Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ The Drowning of Thyself ❯ Struggling for Air ( Chapter 4 )

The Stages of Drowning Thyself

 

Part 4: Struggling for Air

 

Kaoru picked up a portrait of herself and Kenshin, dusting the edges and placing it lovingly into a box marked `To Bury'. She had tied a handkerchief around her head, holding back her voluminous hair as she worked through her house, picking up and sealing away items to be carried off with her, to be carried off with Kenshin, or to be buried in a deep dark hole where she'd never have to deal with them ever again.

 

“Kaoru-dono...”

“Ack!” Kaoru jumped out of her skin, turning around while clutching at her heart. She gave Kenshin a withering look, “Damn it, Kenshin, you've got to learn to stop sneaking up on people!”

 

Kenshin looked somewhat bemused before noting the `To Bury' box at her feet. His features grew solemn.

 

Kaoru noticed where his eyes had gone and sighed loudly, turning back to her work.

“What're you doing here? Shouldn't you be at work?”

 

“Sumanu,” Kenshin bowed his head, “I needed to make sure you're alright.”

 

Kaoru felt her temper flare at his words and choked on the need to bash his head in with the feather duster.

“Kenshin, stop with the worrying. I've lived on my own before you and now I'll learn to live on my own again. You can't divorce me then follow me around everywhere.”

 

Kenshin flinched at her words.

“Sumanu, it's inappropriate, I know, but...”

 

“No, no, no...,” Kaoru shook her head, her feather duster following her movements, “No `buts'. If you want to help me through this, you've got to stop treating me like your wife. You're only making it worse that way.”

 

“Sumanu...,” Kenshin's face became a picture of guilt.

 

Kaoru sighed and walked over to him. She placed a free hand on his shoulder, feeling some of the old tenderness meld in her heart.

 

“Ana- Kenshin,” she corrected herself, keeping her voice gentle, “Thank you, for coming to see me but, I really feel that I need time to myself now.” Her eyes misted as his eyes came to meet hers, “Just because we're not married doesn't make me love you any less. And you have to understand that it's killing me to be near you.”

 

Kenshin smiled a sad smile. He sighed and placed a hand over Kaoru's.

“I had never deserved such a wonderful woman.”

 

Kaoru held back a tear, masking it with a smirk.

“That, Kenshin, is true.”

 

She turned away, continuing her cleaning, sorting more pictures into the categorical boxes. She could feel him watching her and it took all her willpower to not scream in frustration. She felt as if though they were in their courting days and she was waiting for him to make a move- only now it was a somewhat backwards type of situation.

 

“Kaoru-dono, keep the house.” Kenshin's voice suddenly broke her chain of thoughts.

 

She sighed,

“Kenshin-,”

 

“I don't need it. I already have property elsewhere... but you,” Kenshin's voice was full of concern, “You need a place to stay. I won't sleep well not knowing whether you're safe in a home or not.”

“Kenshin--,”

 

“Please, Kaoru-dono,” Kenshin's gentle tone, so sincere in its request, made her feel anguished at having to be so near him, “Just keep it until you can find another place. You don't have to give it up so soon.”

 

“Kenshin, I cannot stay in this house.” Kaoru was firm on at least this much. “This was not my house, this was our house. And I can't stay in a house that will constantly plague me with memories. I don't want to wallow anymore, I want to start moving on. I've done enough wallowing to last me a lifetime.”

 

Kenshin looked a bit uneasy all of a sudden. Kaoru raised an eyebrow.

 

“What?” She asked.

 

“I've been meaning to ask...forgive me, I know I have no right to ask of your personal affairs any longer but...,” Kenshin hesitated, not sure how to bring up the topic.

 

Kaoru knew what he wanted to ask and sighed again. She was becoming a human sighing-machine.

“I'm not dating anyone at the moment, if that's what you're wondering.”

 

“Ah...,” Kenshin hesitated again. He really was bad at this sort of thing.

 

Kaoru rolled her eyes,

“And yes, Kenshin, I've had sex with another man.”

 

Now that the event was long past gone and she had been given a good hard smack in the head, courtesy of her ol' friend Takani Megumi, she wasn't too uncomfortable discussing it.

 

Kenshin looked a little startle at her blunt confession.

“Ah... ano... I... It's just that... ah...”

 

Kaoru felt a laugh bubbling up from within. Even now, the sight of a flustered Kenshin could still make her laugh.

 

“I know I should be more embarrassed about it- and I would have been if you'd asked me earlier- but now, it's just something that had happened during a particularly low point of our divorce.”Kaoru stated matter-of-factly. “I've gotten over punishing myself and I don't intend on doing it again. Does that satisfy your queries?”

 

Kenshin gave a smile.

“I have to admit, Kaoru-dono, it did make me jealous for awhile.”

 

“It's going to happen sooner or later, wasn't it?” Kaoru quipped, her voice edged with sadness. She was about to sigh yet again and then stopped herself. She looked up at Kenshin, “Let's not discuss your being jealous or my missing you anymore, shall we? It's making me sad again.”

“Sumanu,” Kenshin bowed his head, “I suppose I have intruded too long on your time.”

 

Kaoru smiled.

“We can sit down and talk later... much, much later. When I've at least healed a bit. Right now, when I look at you, I still see my husband and it's hard to see you as anything but that.”

 

They both fell quiet. The only sound came from Kaoru's movements as she finished clearing a shelf and was now sealing a box with tape. Wiping off dust from her hands onto her smock, she took off her makeshift bandana and walked towards Kenshin.

 

Her hands found Kenshin's and she looked down at their intertwined fingers. Kenshin's gaze followed hers and he felt his heart contract.

 

Ages of silence passed by as they stood in that position.

 

“I miss you so much...” Kaoru whispered, her voice cracking with ache.

 

Kenshin bit his lips, wondering if he should respond to that. He decided to throw away his caution for the moment, resting his forehead onto hers.

“I miss you too, Kaoru-dono.”

A tear slid down her cheek as she leaned into his warmth. Kenshin's arms went around her body, holding her in a consoling embrace. She felt herself sniffling as he continued to hold her in silence, fighting her reasoning to not torture herself and to break away from his hug. She held onto his familiar presence, memorizing the feel of his body against hers- knowing that she might never have this chance again.

 

The tears came more rapidly now and she buried her face into his shirt, trying to hold back the sound of her crying.

 

Kenshin felt his heart break at the muffled sound of her tears, holding her closer instinctively. The part of him that still loved her, that argued for him to give into his love, demanded him to rethink his actions. Kenshin steeled himself against those feelings. He knew that he had no right to impose such danger on her- he would rather break her heart now than to have her blood on his hands later. This way, he could keep her safe from harm's way.

 

He held onto her tightly, his features turning grim,

`Kami-sama..., please don't let anything happen to her...'

 

 

Yukishiro Enishi looked out of his office, his eyes narrowed in a dark manner. He wasn't staring at anything in particular but his stance was one of anger and controlled fury. His hands were inside the pockets of his pants, his shirt undone to reveal a teasing view of muscled skin underneath. Manicured fingernails reached around him to play with that tantalizing bit of skin, only to be brushed aside immediately.

 

“Go away.” His voice was cold, impassioned.

 

The pretty face behind him gave a confused look, backing away slightly. She had gone to him since he had requested her presence. One thing quickly led to another and after their little play, he had become distant and dangerous looking. She wasn't sure whether she had displeased him or if there was something else she didn't quite get.

 

“Yukishiro-sama...,” she started hesitantly.

 

“Go away.” He dismissed her again. “I'll have you transferred to another branch tomorrow- you'll be notified of your new offices soon.”

 

She felt as if he had delivered a punch to her gut. She stood rooted to the ground, not knowing what had just happened.

 

Annoyed that she was still around, Enishi turned and swiftly walked towards her, catching her arm and leading her towards the door.

 

“Yu-Yukishiro-sama...,” she almost sobbed, “What did I do? Wh-Why...?”

 

“I don't have time for this.” Enishi spat out, looking a bit appalled at her tears.

 

Practically throwing her out of his room, he closed and locked his door, letting out a long sigh afterwards.

 

He was crossed with himself.

 

Normally, he didn't bother with sexual urges and focused all his energy on his work. Today, that little clerk had come in and he had caught a whiff of her perfume.

 

It had smelled like Kaoru.

 

Before he knew it, he had had taken out his desires on her, only to have the icy waters of truth splashed into his face. He had looked down at her and seen that it wasn't Kaoru. Which was why he was so aggravated.

 

Enishi sighed.

 

It had been about three months since his encounter with Kamiya Kaoru. He had thought that she would look him up and approach him, but evidently, she really had been serious when keeping their meeting to only one night.

 

`One night and half a morning,' he thought with a slight smirk.

 

On that day, he had thought that all his plans were finally falling into place. Now, it seemed as if though he was right back where he had started - the only pawn he had had in his grasp was now safely out of his reach.

 

And a beautiful pawn she had been.

 

Enishi shook that thought from his head.

 

`Now I've got to replace my clerk.' He sighed. `I've got to get a hold of myself.'

 

With that thought in mind, Enishi settled back behind his desk, intent on staying the entire night to make up for his minor dalliance.

 

 

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.

 

Takani Megumi got up from her 9 o'clock movie, disgruntled that she had had to entertain anyone. Once sure that she was decent, she opened her door, her frown turning into a smile when she saw her friend, Kaoru, at the door.

 

“You're back late.” Megumi stepped aside to allow the young girl inside.

 

“Sorry, Megumi,” she took off her jacket and held onto it for a moment. “I was with Kenshin.”

Megumi felt her frown come back on.

 

Kaoru hastily waved her hands in front of her,

“It's nothing like that! I was clearing up some of my stuff and he had dropped by. That's all!”

 

Megumi didn't look convinced but decided to let the disapproval feelings go.

 

`I guess I'm still mad at Ken-san...,' Megumi eyed Kaoru sympathetically, `...I thought he would be the type to stay no matter what...'

 

“Anyways, meeting Kenshin got me thinking..., I need your help, Megumi,” Kaoru started, perking up again. “I want to find my own place to stay.”

 

Megumi took Kaoru's jacket from her and hung it inside a closet. She looked back at the girl with concern.

“Kaoru, you don't need to rush. You can stay here as long as you—,”

 

“I can't intrude on your hospitality too long,” Kaoru smiled, “And I need to get another job soon also. Preferably close to my home. So, might as well find a place to settle down so I can get on that ASAP.”

“Another job?” Megumi looked startled.

 

Kaoru gave a nervous laugh.

“I quit my job yesterday.”

 

“Kaoru!”

 

“I know... I know...,” Kaoru winced, “...but it was a crappy job anyways. I only did it so I could be close to home and Kenshin.”

 

Kaoru felt a sting at mentioning his name again.

 

“Kaoru...,” Megumi sighed, “Why didn't you tell me this yesterday?”

“I don't know.” Kaoru shrugged, “I was scared, I guess. I had wanted to do it for some time and then when I did, I got scared. I'm giving up everything that I was with Kenshin that I wondered if I'd given myself up as well.”

 

Megumi sat Kaoru down on the sofa, switching off the TV. She looked hard at Kaoru.

 

“I guess you're really making a fresh start out of everything, huh?”

 

“Yeah..., after meeting Kenshin today, I realized that that was the best thing to do.” Kaoru continued to smile, “I don't need to have everyone looking at me with pity. I want to start anew.”

 

“Oh Kaoru...” Megumi leaned forward and hugged her friend. “You know I'll help you through this.”

 

Kaoru returned the hug.

“Thank you...”

 

Megumi broke away, wiping a tear from her eye, laughing.

“Look at me, all choked up cause you're growing up all over again.”

 

“I guess I am growing up, in a way.” Kaoru smiled.

 

“I'm sorry it had to be this way, though.” Megumi softly said.

 

“Yeah...,” Kaoru's look turned pensive, “Me too.”

 

TBC...

Part 5: Let Go

 

Notes: I feel like this part was very vague. Everything was vague. But I needed a transition piece before Kaoru can become Kaoru again. So, she's still teeter-tottering here. It was hard trying to write a moment for Kaoru and Kenshin without going overboard. *sighs* (this chapter had a lot of sighing in it if you noticed ><;;) I hope I didn't do too bad a job... Again, thank you all for reading this far...