Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ The Kenshin Parody, Book 1 ❯ Chapter 3

Just as the two girls were about to escape, the same Police Officer from before stepped in front of them, blocking their way.

Unfortunately for him, the girl's didn't see him. He got his ass walked over.

"Did you feel something?" asked Kelly.

"Nah."

"Oh, ok."

The officer was covered in size eleven Adidas shoe prints and size nine Airwalk shoe prints. He passed out, like the guard inside the cell. "Oi."

"Yay! We're runnin' wild and free! Wild and free I tells ya!" shouted Jenny. People were looking at the two girls all crazy and shit. Not only were they acting weird, but they were rather dingy looking. Hair all messed up, bloody noses, split lips, black eyes, ripped pants, shirts all falling off, and looking like all around bums. Some villagers even started tossing coins at them.

"Woohoo! Free money!" said Kelly happily.

"Cha-ching!" Jenny chimed in. "Hmmm, I'm kinda hungry and thirsty. Why don't we use our new found fortune to go buy some grub. Like some cheeseburgers or something."

"Ya know? I'm hungry too. Let's see. Hey this place looks like a good place, `Akabeko'. I smell foodage."

"What does 'Akabeko' mean, anyways?" asked Jenny as they made their way to the smell of food.

"It could mean pile of ol' nasty ass for all I care."

"That's nasty. And wrong, very very wrong. But still, a side of ass doesn't sound too bad right now."

The two walked into the restaurant like they owned the damn place. They sat their asses down and waited to be given a menu and served.

Jenny patted the floor. "Hey! Can I get some service over here?"

"Whatinell is up with the no table and chairs? Where are the utensils? Where's my ice water? Where's my complimentary b'edsticks?"

A waitress walked up to them and did a double take. "C-can I help you...ladies?"

Jenny looked at her all cock-eyed. Then she put her foot up on the almost nonexistent table. "Why you gotta say it like that?" she asked, dusting herself off.

"Can we have a menu or something? Tsk," said Kelly, snapping her fingers.

The waitress bit her lip nervously. "Menus? We don't serve that here. We have tofu, and miso soup, and beef stew, a western dish."

"What the fuck is tofu?"

"Meeeee-so? Toh-fuuu? What in the fuck? What planet are we on? Kelly, I don't think this is Afghanistan."

"Hmm, I think I'll stay safe and order the beef stew. What's to drink?"

"Umm, we have water and sake."

"Ooooo, I know what sake is. Lemme have it!"

"Jenny, you shouldn't--I mean, we shouldn't drink."

"Yes we should. Come on, let your hair down."

"It is down. It's fucked up too. Oh well. Yeah, sake it is then."

Three hours and six kegs later...

"This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is song that never ends yes it goes on and on my friends..." they slurred in unison.

"Heyyyy, we needs sommore sakay ovah heah ::hiccup::!"

"Umm, I think you've had enough..." said the waitress.

"Nonsense poopy-pants. I'll tell you when I've had enough. Come on! Sakay for everyone, on us!" The whole restaurant "woohooed".

"How are you going to pay for this?"

"Pay? Don' worry. Weeeve got plenty o' money."

"Oookaay."

Things gradually went downhill from there. Free sake+Jenny and Kelly and a room full of men=oh shit. The riot continued, stuff got broke, people got broke, and Jenny and Kelly got drunk...er. Until the cop that arrested them and got run over by them showed up. Again.

"Oi. You again."

"Heeeeeyyy!" Jenny said pointing at one of the images of the cop. On the opposite wall of where he actually was...

"I know youuuu! Yore the guy that arreststtdtsds...(smack by Jenny) arrested us!"

He nodded. "And I'm gonna arrest you again."

"Nonsense. Be a pal!" said Jenny, hanging onto his arm.

"Get off."

"Okay." Jenny said, with a wicked look in her eyes. Her hand shot up and pinched his nose.

"Woo! Got your nose! Yes I do!"

The cop's hand shot up to his face. Jenny wiggled her thumb between her fingers. "Here it is!" she sang, showing everybody.

Meanwhile, Kelly was busy lifting the cop's sword and drinking a keg.

"Hey Jenny! Look at me!" cried Kelly, "I'm a goddamn Highlander! Woo hoo! I think I just felt the Quickening!" She tipped back another keg of sake, "Ahhhh, Sakaaay!"

Jenny was still showing the cop's 'nose' to everyone. "Ooooh, look at the little nosy!"

The cop got his handcuffs ready. He walked up behind Jenny.

"He-hey! I thought we was friends now," said Jenny, "Can't we all just get along?"

The cop pulled her arms behind her back and cuffed her salty ass.

Jenny turned her head around and gave him what she thought was her most flattering smile.

To her surprise, he actually gave her a wicked ass grin, "Awww, you think that I'm just going to let you get off scott free just because of that little sweet and innocent routine?"

Jenny nodded her head fervently.

"Well, you were wrong," he said matter o' factly.

Jenny looked horrified, "Eep."

He pushed her ass out the front door. She rolled down the few stairs that were there and then landed in a puddle of nasty, shit water.

"Sonofa--" was all she got out. Before she could say 'bitch' she felt a heavy boot on the back of her head. She was pushed face first into the mud.

"Now you know the penalties of breaking the law," he said, picking her soggy ass up.

"Kiss my poo' broke ass!" sputtered Jenny, "You crazy ass mutha fucker!"

He laughed an evil laugh, "You're pretty feisty. Most people around here would never have the guts to say half of the things that you just said to me. I'll be a nice guy for once and lower your sentence...to life."

"You bastard!!" screeched Jenny, "Now that shit's on!"

Jenny ran forward, still cuffed, and started to beat the cop with her shoulders. "Take that! And that! And then some!"

"Oh stop. You're hurting me," he said flatly. He reached out and grabbed her face, "Have a seat child." He pushed her back down roughly into the filth, again.

Jenny remained seated this time.

Kelly came outside and walked up behind the cop, "What in the fuck?" she yelled, seeing Jenny messed up in the mud like a damn hobo, "Leave her alone!" She leveled his sword at his neck.

He turned around all slow. He looked scary. Extremely scary, not to mention pissed off to no tomorrow.

"Umyeah...here's your sword back. I even cleaned it for you cuz you seem like such a nice--"

::BOW!::

The cop smacked Kelly in the face and she flew like twenty feet in the air. She landed in the mud next to messed up Jenny.

"At first," he started, pointing the sword at Kelly's quivering throat, "You amused me. But now you're getting on my damn nerves. I should kill you both right here."

"EEEEEEEIII!" the girls eeeeiied. They clung to each other for dear life.

"Git offa me Jenny!' yelled Kelly, pushing Jenny from her.

The cop stepped forward. He got closer...and closer...and closer..Hey! That's too close! He backed up a step.

"You'll be executed tomorrow at dawn. Death by beheading." The two girls cried out in terror.

"Noooooo! Oh please sir! What can we do to appease you? Spit shine your shoes? How about iron your clothes?" said Jenny.

Kelly pushed Jenny forward. "Jenny'd make a damn good concubine!"

The cop stroked his chin. "Hmm."

"Hey! I'm ugly! You don't want me! I'm nasty! Lookit me! I look like a damn mange infested monkey!"

"You're not that bad."

"You think so?" asked Jenny, smoothing out her clothes and hair. "Oh wait, what the hell am I saying? You hentai!"

"Oi."

"Pedophile!" Kelly chimed in.

"Ooi. Enough already. Why are you still saying these things when you know you're already dead?"

"We ain't got shit to lose!" chorused the girls.

"Well, I suppose I could drop you off at the nearest bordello..."

"Hey! That's not right!" said Jenny.

"Better than getting killed," Kelly pointed out.

"Nah. I'd rather kick you allllllll the way to jail," said the cop, setting his boot to 'asskicking'.

"Awww. Goddammit. You remind me of someone...hmm."

"Let's see what we have here. Mean. Mean. Disgruntled. Angry. Downright evil. Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Jenny?"

"I dunno Kelly. I'm thinkin' about something that starts with an 'S' and ends in an 'aito'."

"Ding ding ding, we have a winner!"

The cop, who had been listening to their conversation with only half an ear, lit a cigarette.

The two girls looked at him for a full minute. Kelly was the first to get up, slowly. She held out her hands. "I'm just getting up. No need to kill me. Stay calm."

Jenny soon joined her.

"I would like to take it upon myself to apologize for our behavior. We are extreeeeemely sorry, sir."

The cop raised an eyebrow. "Oi?" he said, then shrugged, tossing his cigarette away. Both girls pounced on it. "What are you two doing now?"

"It's mine, bitch!" Jenny yelled, slapping Kelly's hands away with her shoulders. She tried to pick it up with her mouth, and got a full shot of nicotine and gravel. "Wheeeze, hoohohoo, aghhh hack hack hwagck. Oi. Remind me never to start smoking. That shit'll put hair on your chest. What brand is this? Straight-From-the-Fields? This ain't no Marlboro. It ain't no Virginia Slims neither!"

The cop just looked at her for a second, then started laughing his ass off. "You two are fucking insane!" He leaned over and undid Jenny's hand cuffs, thinking she was incapacitated enough not to try anything else. Bad idea. She started to feel on his legs. Kelly was trying to pull her away.

"Jenny, I'd stop that if I were you. He's starting to look pissed off again."

"He's a damn anime character. What's he gonna do? Boot me?" BOW! "I guess so. Oooorooo."

"You're not funny," said the cop.

"If I ain't funny, then you ain't Saito!" Jenny said, and then quickly covered her mouth.

"Great. Perfect. You just had to open your big mouth. Now he's gonna think we're spies or some shit."

"Hm? You know my name. Who's your boss?"

"Ronald," Jenny said seriously.

"Who?"

"Ronald McDonald."

"You dumbass. Goober," Kelly said disgustedly. "Christ, when God passed out intelligence, you sure got shafted."

"I was thinking about letting you go, but now..." he pulled out another cigarette. "I have a special room for you back at the jail."

"Special? Oooo! With balloons and clowns and stuff?" Jenny said happily and clapping her hands. Kelly rolled her eyes and smacked herself in the head.

"Yes, special. Just for you," he said, with a kind of scary smile on his face.

"Ooh, he's so nice all of a sudden."

"That's not good, Jenny," Kelly said. "Special is right."

"Heyyy!"

"Let's go, spies!" he said, hand cuffing them both.