Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ The Kenshin Parody, Book 1 ❯ Chapter 4

Back at the jail...

"Hey! It's the melon crushers! Welcome back to paradise ladies!" called a random prisoner.

"See my bum?" asked Kelly, pointing at her ass with her cuffed hands, "Kiss it!"

"Yeah," cried Jenny as she was getting dragged along by the cop, "We get to go to the 'special' room! You're just jealous!"

"Oh yeah baby," laughed another thug, "We're just dying to go to the torture room! Ha ha ha ha ha!"

"Torture?!" cried Jenny, "No one said anything about torture!"

Kelly rolled her eyes again, "Delayed reaction much?"

"Don't you two worry," said the cop, "I'll go 'easy' on you since you seem to be ignorant oafs."

"Hey! I ain't no oaf you ape of a man!" yelled Jenny, instantly regretting her words.

He turned to her and got all up in her grill, "Well, I'll go 'moderate' on you since you seem to be so enthusiastic about being tortured."

"Woo hoo!" shouted Kelly sarcastically, "Go Jenny! Get killed! More food for me!"

The cop gave her a dirty look that said, "Bitch, shut yo' ass up!" He chucked Jenny into a particularly scary room, slamming the door behind her. Then he pulled Kelly further down the hall, stopping in front of an office.

"You act like you're the smarter of the two," he said, having a seat at the other end of the desk. He gestured for her to also take a seat.

"Are you really gonna torture us?" asked Kelly, watching him make little smoke ringlets, "I mean, that seems a bit harsh. We only got drunk and trashed an establishment and then insulted you a few times. And are you really gonna kill Jenny?! I admit, she is an oaf and a drain on human society, but c'mon!"

"First, I want to know about you," he said, ignoring her questions, "Tell me everything you know."

"Well, I was born on April 8th, 1982--"

"I'm serious," he said, interrupting her and sitting up in his chair, "If I don't get the truth out of you, I will make sure you both die."

"I'm serious too," said Kelly, "I swear to Kenshin--er--Hiko--er--Sano--er Aoshi--er God!! Yeah God! That works. Whew. Almost blew it there..."

"So you work for one of them?" he asked, leaning further towards her, "Is that what you're saying?"

"Ah no Mr. Saito, er-- I mean Mr. Cop guy," stuttered Kelly. ::sweatdrop::

"I think you're lying," he replied, "And do you want to know why I think you're lying?"

"I really want to know sir," said Kelly, "Because I'm a Hiten Mitsurugi Master!!" ::Smack!::

"Shut up already you little bitch," he said, grabbing her throat, "Don't fuck with me."

"Wouldn't...>gasp<...dream of it," Kelly managed to choke out, "Jenny...maybe but--"

"Maybe you didn't hear me the first time," he roared, "I said, SHUTUP!"

Kelly didn't say another word.

"I'm just going to leave you here to think about telling me the truth," he said, walking to the door, "If you really are smart, then you'll confess. At least you can die with a clean soul." He slammed the door, leaving Kelly.

"Cockbiter!!" Kelly yelled at the top of her lungs.

Meanwhile, Jenny was in the 'moderate' torture room. She was busy racing rats on the floor.

"Yeah Skippy! You can do it!" she said to a really nasty, diseased looking rat. He was biting the shit outta the other rats in the room as he flew around the 'track', which was actually a crack in the damn floor.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" asked the cop, standing in the doorway.

Jenny squinted her eyes against the bright light, "Mom? Is that you? I don't wanna go to work today! I have a tumbly ache. Fuck Ronald--"

"Shut up," he said, lighting a kerosene lamp, "I got a headache."

"Jerk," she snapped, "I thought this was a fun room! You left me in here with the damn rats and spiders! What the hell is wrong with you?"

He didn't answer her with words, but he did boot her again.

"Would you stop that already? I'm getting tenderized," whined Jenny.

The cop picked her up and dragged her to a crazy ass looking device. He strapped her hands and legs to the thing and took a step back.

"Whatever floats your boat buddy," said Jenny, looking at him all crazy, "I didn't think that you were into bondage, but hey, I guess you're just full of surprises."

He still didn't say anything back to her.

"Why you so quiet all of a sudden?" asked Jenny, "What the hell is this thing anyways? Can I have another cigarette? How's about some sakay? Say something! You're scaring me! I'll talk! I'll talk!"

"About time," said the cop.

"Jerk," muttered Jenny, "Hey do you hear something?"

Kelly's voice could be heard still yelling obscenities.

"Dickless asshole! Shim nibbling assbandit! Oh boy, when I get outta here, your ass is grass pal. You donkey lovin' ape of a man!! Child molester! Oh wait a minute, I called you dickless. I take it back!! Do you hear me?! JERK!!!"

"Your friend is colorful," said the cop.

Jenny nodded, "Yes. Yes she is. So, what's up chief?"

"I want you to tell me just how you found out my real name."

"Your real name's not Saito? Oh my God. I am so sorry."

The cop rolled his eyes and pulled out another cigarette.

"Can I have one?" asked Jenny, eyeing the pack of nicotine goodness.

"No."

"Ok...."

"Well, I'm waiting. Do I have to beat it out of you?" asked the cop, leaning against a wall that happened to be next to an evil looking switch.

"No sir," replied Jenny, nodding her head, "I know that's your name because you were the third captain of the Shinsen Gumi. And that's what the subtitles told me."

"Did they? And what else did these 'subtitles' tell you?"

"They said that your first name was Hajime and that your motto was, 'Aku Soku Zan'." said Jenny, grinning proudly at her first time of telling the truth.

"Uh huh." The cop didn't look too pleased, "Anything else you want to tell me before I push this button?"

"You got a wife!! Named Tokio! She's a hooker!!" cried Jenny.

The cop gave her a dirty look and hit the switch.

"Ow!" cried Jenny as the rack that she was on stretched her arms and legs, "I thought that you said you weren't going to torture me!"

"When?"

"Ooooooh! I don't like you anymore!" said Jenny, "Eh, what am I saying? Hey, will you marry me? OW!! Guess not!"

"The truth, wench, or I'll stretch you from here to Kyoto!"

"Sounds painful. OUCH!! Okay, okay okay! I'll talk! Stop the pain, oh, stop the pain!" The rack stopped. Jenny breathed a sigh of relief. "You're even meaner in person. Hey! Enough with the switch already! Moderate my ass! OWwwowowowow! Ack! Damn your sexy hide!"

"The truth!" he growled.

"Okay. No switch hitting. Hey, hey. No, no. No switchy. I don't need to be taller than I already am. Um, see what had happened was we were sitting in Kelly's basement, watching...the magic box. Then all of a sudden it got all bright and shit and then BOW! here I am on the damn rack!"

"That's quite a story. And I should believe you because?"

"Because...I'm cute. HEY! All right. Why would I lie? Do I look like a spy to you?"

"Yes."

"Aw come on. I'm too loud and obnoxious and tall. I stand out in a crowd. Can I have a bath? Or some water? Something?"

"I'll give you something..."

"Chill with the switch already! You know what? I think Sano's my favorite character now. You can just go---ahhhhhhh! Goddamn that smarts!"

"You know Sano now, eh?"

"Hell ya I know Sano! We used to play dice all the damn time!"

"Really? So, he's not only illegally gambling, he's also hanging around with spies!"

"I told you, I'm not a spy! I'm a Jenny."

"Hold on a second..." he said, hitting the switch one last time, for good measure.

"Yeow! Wooooo, my pants broke! My limbs are getting a bit tingly. Hey hey! Come back here! You can't leave me here!" ::SLAM:: "I guess you can."