Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ The Kenshin Parody, Book 1 ❯ Chapter 5

Meanwhile, back in the office...

"JERK! <cough cough hack wheeze> damn. Uh. My voice. Where the hell is Saito? Hmm. I feel an escape coming on." Kelly rolled off the chair, onto her stomach, and started inching her way towards the door, all the while humming the theme to "Mission Impossible".

The door swung open and hit her in the nose. She stood slowly. "Uhg. I give up. It ain't worth it."

"Let's go, weirdo. You can go home," said Saito.

"I can't go home! Not without Jenny! Wait. I don't even have a home! Where am I going to go?"

"Not my problem. Get out of my office."

"Jerk!"

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that," Saito said, and pushed her out the door.

"I'm free. I'm free!! Woohoo! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Sakay, sakay!" she said, strolling past the torture room window. "Hey, Jenny! Whazzup? Getting tortured, eh? Well, them's the breaks. See ya!" Kelly passed Sano getting dragged in.

"Illegal gambling as well as harboring spies. Saito's going to have fun with you," said a random guard.

"Chicken man! How's it going? Remember me?"

"Not really," Sano said, giving her an evil look.

"Okay. Bye! Say hi to Kenshin for me! What am I saying? I'm gonna say hi to him my damn self! Later!" said Kelly, leaving the nasty ass jail.

Kelly strolled to the Akabeko and went inside.

"No no, I don't think so, miss."

Kelly got thrown out. "Aw come on. I'm thirsty," she said, walking back in. The waitress started to chase her out again, but Kelly dodged and went further in. She ran past all the people drinking their sake and felt left out.

"Sakay, sakay!" Kelly shouted, and grabbed a jug off a random table. She started to chug that shit down.

"Pthbptbphtrhbpnbpp! What the hell is this shit?"

"Oro."

Kelly looked down and saw that she had spit out the foul tasting liquid onto a guy's head. A guy that closely resembled Aoshi. And another guy that closely resembled Kenshin was seated next to him.

Kelly damn near shit her pants. ::I just goobed all over Aoshi. O my God. I'm such a loser!::

"I'm sorry. Here, complimentary face cleaning," Kelly said, sticking out her tongue and leaning down near Aoshi's face.

Aoshi held up a hand. Kelly started licking the hand.

"My hand is not dirty."

"Yes it is."

"No it isn't."

"Oro."

"Yes, it is!" Kelly poured some of the tea onto his hand. "It is now!" ::Ick. This shit is nasty!::

"What are you doing?" asked Aoshi, getting pissed.

"Look, whaddya say me and you go get a room?"

"Oh, you're a prostitute."

"For you, hell ya."

"Not interested," he said, and tried to ignore her. Kelly was going to have to get a-bombed to get her away from him. She made a sweeping motion with her hand. "One side," she said, and plopped down next to Aoshi, and started to hang all over him.

"Aoshi, I think she likes you," Kenshin said grinning.

"If she doesn't get off me, I might have to kill her."

"Mah, mah. Don't worry. She's probably drunk."

"I ain't drunk. I'm stone sober."

"Aoshi-sama! What the--!"

Kelly reached up behind her without even looking and punched Misao. Knocked her the fuck out.

"Oniwabanshu my ass. Didn't see that comin' didja. Tsk. Ninja," said Kelly, snuggling closer to Aoshi, "So, Aoshi. Now that annoying bitch is out of the picture, what about that room?"

Misao got back up unsteadily, "How dare you?!"

"Oh, I dare bitch, I dare," said Kelly, getting up and towering over Misao, "You wanna rumble for this sexy bastard or what?"

"Let's go then. No one insults me or the Oniwabanshu's good name!" Misao yelled, storming outside, "Wait for me Aoshi-sama! I'll fight her for you!"

"Oh, it's on now you skinny whelp of a guttertramp!" said Kelly, following her outside the Akabeko.

Misao pulled out her knives and crouched down, ready to fight.

Kelly on the other hand stood by all calm and shit, "Well? You wanna fight me unarmed skank? I'll kick yo' ass bitch!"

Misao was fuming. She tossed aside her weapons and charged forward, "You're dead!"

Kelly stepped to one side, letting Misao crash head first into a manure wagon. "That was a helluva lot easier than I thought it would be. Get yo' stankity stank stank away from me already."

Misao's head was stuck deep within the steaming shit. She struggled a bit and then her body went limp.

Kelly patted her hands and walked back into the Akabeko, "So Aoshi, are we ready to pick out curtains or what?"

Aoshi stood up, "Uh, yeah sure."

"Woo hoo!!" cried Kelly, hopping around like she had a manhandlin' Hiko in her pants, "I'm gonna get married, I'm gonna get married!" She went over to Kenshin and whispered, "Don't worry, that doesn't mean that we can't fool around on the side."

"Oro?"

"Yeah."

"Married? I'm not going to marry you," said Aoshi, walking past Kelly like she was a leper. Kelly watched him walk down the road, past Misao's stinky ass.

"There goes one hunk of ass," said Kelly dreamily, "Oh well, he'll come around one day. Then he'll be beggin' for a bit of Kelly, that he will."

Kenshin ran after Aoshi, but not before pulling Ole Stink from her shit pile.

Kelly walked back into the Akabeko and helped herself to the store room, where she got so drunk that she became blind. "Damn, I'm a poo' black Ray Charles lookin' ass mofo," said Kelly, singing the pepsi commercial song.

"You got the right one, Aoshi, uh huh."