Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ The Kenshin Parody, Book 1 ❯ Chapter 7

An hour later they arrived at the Kamiya Dojo.

"Why'd you bring us to this piece of shit dojo?" cried Kelly, pointing at the building, "I thought you were going to take us to your shack o' love and teach us some much needed lessons!"

"Yeah!" added Jenny, "I thought that you and I could...ya know..." Jenny trailed off and began to make little circles in the dirt with her shoe, her head down to the side shyly.

Hiko rolled dem beautiful eyes, "Look, I don't know what kind of man you two think I am, but taking advantage of dirty wenches isn't Hiko's style."

"Rrriiight," said Kelly.

"You're telling me that you don't have any manly urges whatsoever?" cried Jenny, latching onto his leg and holding on for dear life as he tried to boot her away. He gave up after awhile and just dealt with the fact that Jenny wasn't going to let go.

"That's what I'm telling you," he said, trying to walk in the direction of the dojo's front door, dragging the leg that Jenny was on behind him.

"But you live in a forest all alone!" cried Jenny, "Aren't you lonely?"

"No."

"What do you do to keep your mind off of sexy babes like us then?" asked Jenny curiously.

Kelly snickered behind Hiko, "Geez Jenny, why do you think his right hand is so built?"

Hiko glared at her and Kelly shut the fuck up.

"Well?" Jenny looked up at Hiko with puppy JenJen eyes.

"I have sake." He pulled out his jug of sake and took a massive swig.

Kelly's eyes got huge when she spied the jug of life giving alcohol, "Can I have a whittle teensy bit?"

"No. Sake is not for children."

"Why not?" Kelly asked, pouting.

Jenny looked around for the children he was talking about, "I don't see any children..."

"He means us Jenny," said Kelly huffily.

"I'm old enough to be your grandfather, you know," said Hiko, getting ready to take another drink.

"Please!" plead Kelly.

For a moment, it looked like Hiko was going to give in and give her some...

Instead he took another big swig and swished it around in his mouth a few times before he swallowed it with an 'aaahhhhh'. He smiled at Kelly and then put away his jug.

Kelly kicked some dirt and then kicked Jenny for no reason. Jenny fell off Hiko and he took advantage of the moment and took off towards the front door of the dojo.

Kelly pulled Jenny to her feet. "C'mon tard, let's go."

"Hurry up you two," called Hiko, "My baka deshi is expecting me. I'm sure that you'll fit in with the other morons residing here as well."

"Didja hear that Kelly!" cried Jenny happily, "He called me a moron!! I feel so loved!"

"Only you would think that Jenny," replied Kelly, shaking her head sadly.

The three stopped at the front door. Hiko, who actually used what little caveman manners he had to ring the bell and not just walk in like he owned the damn place, tapped his foot impatiently as he waited for someone to answer the door.

Inside a woman's shrill voice could be heard, "YAHIKO! CLEAN THAT MESS UP OR ELSE YOU'LL REGRET IT!"

"Awwwww, shut up you old hag," came the impudent reply.

"What did you say?" she cried, accompanied by numerous broom making contact with head noises, "We have a guest coming today! I want you on your best behavior!"

"Get the door busu!" yelled the boy, "I swear, you really are an ugly old hag with no manners."

"Just wait until later...." The door swung open violently, smacking Kelly right in the nose.

"OOOOOW!! FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING GOOD AND DECENT!!" she screamed, clutching her nose.

"It's about time," remarked Hiko to Kaoru, as he pushed by her rudely.

"Oh my!" cried Kaoru, putting her hands on her face, "I am so sorry! Yahiko! Fetch Megumi right away!"

"No need," breathed Kelly, her voice strangled, "I'll live."

"You're bleeding Kelly," said Jenny, poking Kelly's nose.

"You bitch!" whined Kelly, clutching her injured nose again, "I'll teach you!"

Jenny stuck her tongue out and jumped away as Kelly lunged at her.

"Well, if it isn't the little jailbird," said a cocky male voice behind her, "Can't say you didn't deserve getting hit in the face."

Kelly turned around and screamed bloody murder, "Ch-ch-ch-chicken!! Run!!"

Sano looked behind him, "What are you yelling about now?!"

"Jenny! Run for it!" yelled Kelly, pushing Jenny's frozen body away, "What the hell is wrong with you?! Move dammit! Do you want to be pecked to death?!"

"Sannoooooooooooo...ooo...ooooooo..o..woooow," was all Jenny got out. She was busy staring at his fine self cuz he was shirtless as the day he was first hatched.

"Is that your friend?" Sanosuke asked, pointing to Jenny, a strange expression on his face.

"Uh...yeah. She is my friend Mr. Giant Chicken," said Kelly, holding her hands up defensively, "Please take her as a sacrifice in my place Oh Mighty Poultry!"

"For the last time! I'm not a chicken!" cried Sano, following up with enough cuss words to shrivel a nun.

Kelly opened one of her tightly shut eyes, "Wheeeew, it's only you. Thank God! I thought you were that damned dirty chicken again."

Sano rolled his eyes and went back inside, muttering to himself.

Kelly smacked Jenny in the head, "Wake up!"

"Who? Wha? Where?" she said, looking around confused-like, "What happened?"

"You just saw Sanosuke," said Kelly, starting up the steps, "Now come on!"

Jenny managed to make it into the dojo and into the living room, with Kelly behind her. Hiko was sprawled out on the floor like some Greek god and Kaoru, Yahiko, and Sano were sitting across from him.

"So, where is my baka deshi," asked Hiko, helping himself to a jug of sake that was set out, "It's just like him to be late. He never did have any manners. He'll always be my most stupid pupil."

"Uh...Kenshin will be back soon," said Kaoru, "He went to have lunch with Shinomori Aoshi." There was an uncomfortable silence and Jenny and Kelly stood nervously in the doorway.

"Ahem." Kelly said.

"Yeah, what she said," said Jenny, looking at Kelly oddly.

"Oh, please have a seat," cried Kaoru, "If you're friends of Hiko, then you're welcome here."

"Hiko hangs out with an outlaw?" asked Yahiko, looking at Kelly, "She threatened me before and--" He was cut off by a sharp poke in the ribs by Kaoru, "Hey! What was that for you ugly goat?"

"Shhhh," hissed Kaoru.

"These are my fan club," said Hiko, waving them to take a seat beside him, "I met them on the way here and they were, of course, impressed with me."

"Yay! Hiko fixed my pants for me!" laughed Jenny happily.

Just then, Kenshin and Aoshi strolled in. Aoshi took one look at who was in the room, said "No," and walked right back out. Kenshin saw Kelly standing in the corner, trying to look inconspicuous, and asked "What are you doing here?"

"Kenshin, don't be rude. She's with me. And how do you know her?" Hiko said.

"She interrupted our meal at the Akabeko, first by spitting tea all over Aoshi, then by trying to lick him clean. Then, as if that wasn't bad enough, she got into a fight with Misao-chan and threw her into a pile of cow droppings."

Jenny couldn't help herself anymore. She busted out laughing and gave Kelly a high-five. Kelly was looking mighty pleased with herself.

Kaoru looked over at the two celebrating girls with a stunned expression. "*They* did that?"

"No, just the dark haired one," said Kenshin, not looking too thrilled that two smelling, ungrateful, mannerless weirdos were running amok in his home.

"*I* can tell you a little story about these two," said Sano, getting to his feet. "First, the dark haired one keeps calling me a giant chicken." Yahiko snickered. "Then, the...her..BigHead over here gets me arrested by Saito because she told him that I was gambling. And I got beat down by Saito cuz she kept distracting me!"

"Enough with the BigHead already!" Jenny shouted while Kelly laughed.

"I wouldn't laugh if I were you," Sano said, pointing at Kelly. "You're no prize yourself."

"At least I don't look like a goddamn chicken, jerk!" Kelly snapped.

"What'd you say?" said Sano, balling up his fists.

"You heard me, Chicky. What? You wanna make something of it? Pssh. Niggaplease. You get your ass kicked in every damn episode!"

"So now I'm gonna get my ass kicked, huh? By who, you?" Sano laughed.

Kelly stepped up to him and back handed the smirk off his face. Then she immediately ran screaming from the room. About two seconds later, there was a muffled thud, followed by several loud curses.

"Goddammit! I swear to fucking God, if I run into this bastard one more god-fucking-damn time, I'm gonna...gonna...Goddammit!!" shouted Kelly as Saito carried her back into the room by the scruff of her neck.

"You lose this, Battousai? Oho, I see your little...big friend is here too, eh? Why don't you come out from under the table?"

"Nah, that's okay," Jenny said from under the very low table that barely hid her. Her legs and bowling ball head were sticking out, and the table was about a foot taller than it should be. "You know, I take back the spitting in your eye thing. That was wrong, and uncalled for, so I apologize."

"Hmm. I almost forgot about that. What about the vermin thing?"

"Ummm, nope. That still stands."

"Yeah, and I'm sorry for breaking her out of jail. She was wrong and deserved to be punished," Kelly said, still hanging in Saito's grip.

"Shut up. No one asked for your opinion," Saito said, shaking the holy Mr. T/ BA Baracus out of her.

"Ooh, I pity the po' foo' who shake my ass!" Kelly said vibrating profusely.

Meanwhile, Jenny was trying to sneak away very slowly. "Ayyyyyy!!" shouted Sano, pointing the forbidden finger of the Fonz in Jenny's direction. Jenny froze.

"He--Hey--Haay--Ayyyyy!!! Nevermind me, I'm just gonna go out for some air."

Sano looked at her cockeyed.

"Umm, no, jerk, you can't leave me hangin' here like this!" Kelly shouted, still struggling.

"Umm, ya, I can, cuz your punk ass left me about a dozen times, or don't you remember?" said Jenny, still trying to walk out.

Kelly thought for a minute. "Hmmmm...No. All I remember is Aoshi...and Aoshi... and Aoshi...and holy shit I spit tea on his head!!"

"You spit tea on Aoshi's head? Oh my God, what a goober! That'd be like if I grabbed a giant random sake jug and hurled it at Saito's head and he started to madly scratch at his eyes cuz it burned oh dear lord it burned and he dropped you and then looked at me all evil and shit and then I thought I was gonna die and then he stepped towards me and I shit my pants and he came closer and I shit 'em again and I wish I had some depends right now cuz he's looking at me like I actually did all this shit and then I realized that holy ass I really DID do all this shit. AAAAGHHHHHGGAHHHG!!!!"

"LET'S GET READY TO SEE SOME ASS KICKIN'!! In this corner, weighing in at a whopping ZERO IQ, JENNY TARDASS BIGHEAD!!! And in this corner, some sexy chain smoking bastard that's about ready to kill someone!! Let's hear it for 'em folks!" yelled Kelly in her announcer mode. The crowd clapped wildly. "Ding ding!! And that shit's on!! Oooo right in the cocooooh, ouch that had to hurt. Don't worry Kenshin, we'll get that table replaced for ya. And that window! And that wall! And the chair, the door, the wooden swords, and that Sano, and the vase, and...and, oh hell we'll just buy you a new house!!"

Jenny managed to scramble away, even as broken, bruised, bloody, mangled, and generally fucked up as she was. Saito came after her and inadvertently stepped on Hiko's foot.

"Uh-oh, looks like the tides have turned against our champion. Big Mofo Hiko has joined the brawl and is pummeling the shit out of Saito."

"First of all, Wolf, don't fuck with my fan club or my sake. Secondly, don't fuck with my foot!!" Hiko shouted, punctuating every word with a fist. Saito was knocked...<ahem squirt squirt binaca ahh> the fuck out!! "Are you girls ok?" asked Hiko, also posing a few times for them. Muscles and shit everydamnwhere.

Much to Hiko's surprise, Jenny ran to Saito's messed the hell up to the point of no way plastic surgery could fix his mangled body side and started to sob. "Saaaaaaaaaito!! Wah!! Dooon't die!"

"Tsk, you beast, you monster," said Kelly, looking at Hiko with disgust. When she saw dem abs and pectorals she opened her mouth again, "I'll forgive you if you walk around buck ass nekkid for a month though."

"Git away from me wench," growled Saito, snapping outta his fucked the shizell up state and pushed Jenny the hell away, "I don't need your pity. And you're still going to jail, right after I kill that bastard over there."

Hiko pointed to himself and smiled a wiseass Hiko patented smile, "Are you talking about me? Oh no, my pathetic adversary, I believe I'll be the first to kill you."

The tension in the room was so thick you could poke it with a stick and bring it home to pa. Kenshin, Kaoru, and Yahiko stood to one side surveying the damage done to their home. Sano sat in another corner, chewing on a fishbone and daydreaming, like morons often do. Well, at least it was what Jenny was doing at that moment.

"What kind of a man hits a woman anyways?" taunted Hiko, taking a swig of Sake-o-aid , "That was the only fanclub I had and the bigheaded girl seemed more enthusiatic of the god that is Hiko than the sarcastic, cursing girl. You'll pay for your stupidity."

Saito narrowed his eyes to the point where they vanished from his face.

"He's got Brock disease!" shouted Kelly, rolling on the ground with laughter. Saito's eyes opened and Kelly immediately stopped.

"I am taking these two 'girls' to jail, where they will be executed," started Saito, "But not before my blade cuts that cocky throat of yours." Saito unsheathed his katana and went into Gatotsu stance.

"Oooooh," cried Jenny, hopping on her unbroken leg excitedly, "You're so cool Saito! Even though you're a womanbeater!"

"It seems that she has a thing for you," laughed Hiko, "She must be blind or something because compared to me, and you're nothing but a mangy half-breed of dog that crawled in from the cold: wet, hungry, and weak." Hiko pulled out his sword, "Come, I'll enjoy this 'fight'."

"Mah mah," said Kenshin, stepping between the feuding men folk, "Please don't fight anymore. Kaoru-dono's home is almost totally destroyed. Please, can't we all just get along, that is?"

Saito looked at Hiko and Hiko looked at sake and Jenny stared at Saito while occasionally glancing at Sano, Kenshin, and Hiko, and Kelly stared out the broken window at Aoshi.

"What baka deshi? Did you say something?" asked Hiko, realizing that someone was talking, "You never open your mouth enough when you talk. You were like that when you were young and you're still like that. It's bad manners to talk so low. And bring me some more sake. Some host you are. Reminds me of the time you wet the bed..."

"Shisho...." Kenshin looked embarrassed, "I'm not a child anymore and I think you've had enough sake. And I don't think anyone had to know of my bedwetting problem! That was fifteen years ago!"

"Battousai," said Saito, adding his two.....fity cents, "How dare you talk to your Shisho that way. If you were my student I'd teach you a thing or two. I've never seen anyone be so rude and impudent to their master."

"See? That's what I've been saying all along," sighed Hiko, shaking his head sadly. He put a friendly arm around Saito and preached his probs, "I've been the best Shisho that I could possibly be to this outspoken upstart, teaching him my supreme Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu and all of my way cool moves AND taking him into my home when he had nowhere else to go, and this is the way he repays me. Getting a simple jug of sake for his old Shisho is even to much to ask of him."

"Hiko, was it?" said Saito, trying to peel Hiko's 346346343420 lb arm from him, "You're not as bad as I thought you were. Let's go and get a drink. My treat. We can discuss the finer points of why I think Sano over there is an 'Aho'."

Sano lifted his head, "Oi!"

Hiko nodded, "Sure, let's go. Come on girls. You look like you could use some time out of this dusty, dilapidated old dojo. Hey, Saito, wanna drop the charges on these two? They're harmless."

Saito stroked his chin, "I suppose I could let them go free this one time. Even though they are weird and strange and the bigheaded girl always gives me a headache. But the next time that they break the law, I have to uphold the rules."

"Yay!" cried Jenny, punctuating the air with a fist, "We're going to break the law again and go to jail again!! HEY! My head is not THAT big!!"

"Shaddup Jenny!" whispered Kelly, giving Jenny a poke in the chops, "Cuz it is."