Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ The Kenshin Parody, Book 1 ❯ Chapter 10

Meanwhile, Jenny was walking aimlessly down random halls. Above all of the doors there was Japanese writing that she couldn't read.

"Gotta go potty!" she thought, looking everywhere for a picture of a woman in a skirt, "Where's the potty!"

A door in front of her opened and a business man hurried past her, not bothering to shut the door behind him. Jenny peeked around the doorframe carefully. It was an office and a large desk sat empty in the center. Jenny's mouth dropped open. Her CD player! It was on the desk! She pushed past the door and went straight for the desk, not hearing the door close and lock behind her. Above the door there was a nameplate that read: Saito Hajime.

Jenny picked up her CD player and hugged it happily. She put it in her pocket and looked around the room. It was a pretty nice office. There was a large plant in one corner and lots of paper stacked up on the desk. Jenny squinted hard at the writing. It was no use; those Japanese had to make everything difficult. Whatever happened to good old pictures? Jenny sat in the large chair and pretended to be an executive.

"Haha! You're fired!" she pointed at the plant, "And you too stack of paper!" She swung her hand out and the whole pile fluttered to the ground in a messy heap.

"Oops," Jenny said guiltily, "Oh well, can't be helped." She was about to get up and leave the room when she heard the sound of keys jingling in the lock. She ducked down under the desk quickly. From beneath the desk, she spied two black boots walking her way and stopping dead in front of the scattered papers.

"Yare yare," said a male voice and a hand scooped up some of the papers.

Jenny had never stayed so still in her entire life on Earth. She didn't even breathe, she was so scared. The chair was pulled out from the desk and she was forced to crawl further under the tight space as the man took a seat. The sound of a pen writing could be heard overhead, as well as other unidentified sounds. Jenny rolled her eyes and shifted her leg, so it wouldn't fall asleep.

"So, how long are you planning on staying under there?" the man asked.

Jenny figured he wasn't talking to her so she remained quiet.

"I asked you a question," came the voice again, as well as a nicely aimed kick.

"Well what the hell?! How you gonna just kick someone all hard like that? With a boot?" Jenny cried, trying to avoid getting booted some more. "Can I get out dis mutha or what? I'm on a mission! I must find my future baby's daddy! Move it assnibbler!"

"I know you're not speaking to me like that," continued the man, "You're not in any position to talk back."

"Who the hell do you think you are? I am Queen Gambit of the Bayou. Do you know what a Cajun person can do to you? I will fuck yo' ass up, bwoi! Now, let me outta here fo' I go Woody Harrelson on your ass!"

"What?"

"You heard me! I'm talkin' about Cheers, mutha fucka, where everybody know yo' goddamn name! Talkin' 'bout Norm! Frasier! Cliff! Diane! Sam! Don't make me go Three's Company up in heah!"

"..."

"Come and knock on my door! We'll be waiting for you! Hers and hers and his three's company too! Doodo doo doo!"

"Shut up!"

"What! Don't make me bust out with some Grandpa Munster!" Jenny yelled, and started beating the holy al capone out of the man's legs. ::Hmm:: she thought, ::These legs feel familiar:: Jenny started lifting the pants leg. The man pushed back the chair and looked down at her.

"Holy shit! Saito!" Jenny screeched, and backed up, taking the desk with her. She backed right into the door, so there was no escape. In a moment of inspiration, Jenny jumped up on the desk and lay there, seductively. Or, as seductive as she could get, lookin like a homeless bum from downtown Milwaukee beggin for change.

"Ehhhehehehe, now that I've got you all to myself, why don't we...get comfortable?" Jenny asked. "Let's get it on, baby," she said, sounding like Barry White just invaded her throat.

Saito only shook his head, totally unfazed by Jenny's 'charms'. "Look here, 'Jenny', I think you owe me for the cost of cleaning my uniform. Tokio spent a long time getting out all the stains."

"I don't give a fuuuhck! I don't care if it took her three goddamn years! I don't owe you shit! Come to think of it, you owe me! Yeah, you owe me a good hmmm...I'd say three or four days of Saito-loving-care! You owe me for the mud pile you pushed me into, TWICE! You owe me for getting me addicted to cigarettes! You owe me for torturing me on the mutha fuckin rack! You owe me for puttin up with those goddamn vermin in the torture chamber! You owe me for the innumerable random boot downs and beats! For leaving me in the middle of a pond with a naked woman! For leaving me in the middle of a pond naked! For forcing me to sleep outside on Ruffian's Row! For stealin' my CD player! For kicking me while I was under your desk! And that brings us to the present!" By now, Jenny was all up in Saito's grill, and poking him every time she mentioned an incident.

Saito was leaning way back, trying to get away from the psychopath before him. Suddenly, and for reasons unknown, he fell out the window behind him.

CRUNCH!! Ooooo, right on Kelly's coconut.

"Thanks for breaking my fall," Saito said, and dusted himself off.

"No problem," Kelly wheezed.

"Umm, I think I owe you for that!" Jenny called, poking her head out of the window.

Five minutes, two interrogations, and about a dozen stretches later...

"Jerk," Kelly said through her Angelina Jolie lookin lips.

Jenny smacked her friend. "Don't call Saito-sama a jerk, you jerk! Show some fuckin respect, you penis molester!"

"Hey, you know I gave that up! Well, since Aoshi don't live where we come from."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!" Saito roared, and kicked both chairs away from him. "Now listen up! Since I can't let you out of my sight, and I can't keep you in jail, do you know what I have to do now, because of you two?"

"Have wild animal sex with me?" asked Jenny.

"Hey, what about me?"

"What about you? He don't like you!"

"Well, he don't like you either!"

"SHUT UP! I DON'T LIKE EITHER ONE OF YOU!!!"

"Not even a little bit?" Jenny asked.

"No!"

"A teensy weensy bit?"

"NO!"

"How about if I was naked?"

"...NOOOOOOOOOOO!! OF COURSE NOT! SHUT THE HELL UP! Ahem. You will be staying...withmecoughhackcough."

"What?"

"You will be staying with mecoughhack."

"Enough with the coughing, Joe Camel. Staying where?" Kelly asked. "With Hiko? Kenshin? Ooooo Aoshi? I ain't stayin with that damned chicken man!"

"You know, that's the only thing that keeps me from wringing your damn neck. You keep calling that aho a chicken," Saito said.

"What keeps you from wringing my neck?" Jenny asked, batting her eyes.

"Your head's too big for me to get my hands around. Now," he said, ignoring Jenny's shout of 'Hey!', "The chief has ordered me to keep you at my place until either you learn to behave, or we find somewhere else to put you. Whichever comes first. I suspect it will have to be the second one."

"Whatchu tryin' ta say?" Jenny asked, her head shaking with attitude. "I know you ain't askin me to suck yo' dick is you? Cuz I will."

"FWEAK!" Kelly shouted.

"Hey, you said 'chief'. You mean...could it be? Fo'head?" Jenny said, ignoring Kelly.

As if on cue, the man who owned the biggest fo'head in all of the eastern world, sidestepped his giant, rapidly departing follicly deficient ass head through the door.

"FO'HEAD!" The girls screamed in unison, using their shoulders to shield their eyes from the overpowering heavenly light that radiated from his almost mirror like scalp. Even Saito had to not only go into Brock mode; he also had to bring a hand up to prevent the gleam from penetrating his almost non existent eyes.

Jenny was lying on a beach chair with a giant metal fan and some sunglasses, while Kelly lay transfixed by the orchestra of light that played off Fo'head's squeakly clean melon. "Oooo pretty," Kelly said.

"Fujita-san. Are these the girls you spoke of?"

"Hai."

"Well, they shouldn't be too much trouble for you and Tokio."

Jenny sat up. "What? We're staying with you? Aww, shitty!" she said, and little hearts could be seen in her already dilated pupils. Even in the Christmas-like lights, little sparkles were dancing about Jenny's head.

"Gooooodamn! Why couldn't we stay somewhere cool, like the Aoiya, or with Fo'head?" Kelly complained.

"Fo'head?" Fo'head (Kawaji) said.

Saito coughed nervously. "It's their term of respect. Remember, they don't come from around here."

"Ah. They're so charming."

Jenny and Kelly looked at each other. "He don't know us very well, do he?"

"Well girls, it was an honor to meet you. Fujita-san, I'll leave them both to you. Have a nice few days off. Try not to give him too much trouble, ok?" said Fo'head, patting Jenny and Kelly on the heads before walking out. The two flinched away, sticking their tongues out in disgust.

"*ahem* That's also a sign of respect in their native homeland Sir," Saito called after the bald wonder, tugging nervously at his tight uniform's collar, "Now young ladies, shall we go? Tokio must be done with dinner by no--."

Jenny cut him off rudely, "Tokio Tokio Tokio. I don't give a bullsheeeit about Tokio. When we gonna get to me? Aren't I important? Don't I worship you, as a Saito deserves to be worshipped? I always be sticking up for you too, but what do I get in return? Not even a goddamn fondle."

Saito just stared at her for a full minute, and then he turned to Kelly, "Um yeah, let's go."

All three started down the hall, preparing to leave for Saito's shack o' lovin'. Before they could reach the police station's front door, a loud, raucous voice called, "Hey Saito!"

They all turned around. Jenny and Kelly's eyes bugged out of their already buggy heads at what they saw.

"Holy crabapples and peach pits!" screamed Jenny, while Kelly screeched, "Holy elm tree!"

"I cannot believe what I am seeing!" cried Kelly, pointing in shock.

"It's Vash the Stampede dude!" laughed Jenny happily, "The $$60 billion humanoid typhoon! OH MY GOD! Vash! Can I get an autograph?? Or a Wolfwood?! Where is that sexy bitch? Ooooo! I can't wait to meet Milly! We're like cousins or some shit!"

Saito was totally confused, "Vash? Who's Vash?"

Jenny shook her head sadly, "You of all people should know the legend that is Vash the Stampede. And you call yourself an anime character. Shame."

"That's Vash," explained Kelly, still pointing at the Vash look-alike before them, "Who the hell else would look like that?!"

The alleged Vash gave the two drooling girls an odd look, "Who the hell are these two?" he asked, gesturing to the tards.

"We Sir are your most hugest fans ever!" cried Jenny, walking up to 'Vash' and hanging on his arm. She reached up and started to stroke the tall blonde hair on the man's head, "Did your hair grow out or something? I don't remember it looking quite so...broom like. It also has a rough straw texture to it. Here Kell, cop a feel, will ya?"

Kelly obliged, reaching her hand up to the tall man's hair and squeezing it gently, as if testing a melon for ripeness, "Hmmm...I think you're right. Did you change your shampoo Vash? You need some Vidal Sassoon or something, cuz lemme tell you. Dry. And will you look at these appalling spilt ends, Jen? Darling, you should really do something about that. That desert heat will just do a number on you." Kelly flicked her wrist gaily, as she offered hair advice to the poor bewildered man.

'Vash' grabbed both Kelly and Jenny's hands and pulled them away from his hair, "Hey! Did I say you could touch my head? And who the hell is Vash?! Saito, what's the deal with these two?"

Saito rubbed the back of his neck wearily, "I have the joy of babysitting these two for the weekend. They've caused quite a bit of trouble around here lately. What did you need Chou? We're about to head out; I don't want to be late for dinner again because of you."

"Calm down, I just wanted to say that I didn't have a chance to finish that paperwork you wanted done for today," he explained, trying to keep the girls off of him, "Dammit! Will you knock it off!"

"But Vaaaaaaash!" both whined, pulling on the edge of his red coat.

"My name is CHOU! C-H-O-U! Now git offa me!" he cried, pushing them away roughly.

Jenny looked at Kelly and Kelly looked at Jenny. A smile started to creep onto the girl's faces.

"Chou!" Kelly cried, latching onto his leg.

"Saito!" Jenny cried, trying to latch onto Saito's groin. He was too quick for her though and all she caught was an armful of air, "Damn! Almost!"

"Ahou," he snorted, pushing open the front door and lighting a cigarette. Chou dragged Kelly out the door with him, trying to catch up with Saito.

"So, you're not upset about the paperwork, right?" he asked cautiously, aware of Saito's mood changes.

Saito turned around, "Right now, nothing could upset me. I'm going home to my lovely wife Tokio and a nice hot pot of kake soba. All that I want to do is relax. Come on girls. Leave the moron alone. Be sure you get that paperwork done by Monday."

"Moron?!" cried Chou, flipping Saito the bird, "Why you....*grumble grumble curse word grumble grumble*"

"Next time do that to my face," said Saito, his back still facing Chou, "....Moron."

"Oh hell naw! Saito snapped!" yelled Kelly, slapping Jenny a high five, "What a jerk!"

Chou looked like he was about to try something, but Chou knows better than to fuck with a pimpmaster 5000. He growled and stomped back into the police station, slamming the door behind him.

Jenny looked as if she first noticed that Chou was there, "Kelly, what's wrong with the broom?"

"Maybe if you were paying attention to something other than Saito, you'd know," said Kelly, smacking Jenny on the head, "Now come on, let's all go to Hajime's house! La la la la la!"

Saito turned and glared at Kelly, "Don't call me by my first name. Ever. It's Saito. Understand?" Kelly nodded dumbly. "And before we get to my home, I have a few rules for the both of you. Mostly for bighead though."

"Hey!" yelled Jenny, crossing her arms.

"Rule number one: Don't look at me, touch me, breath the same air that I breathe, or think of me in anything other than clothes. I'm serious. If I catch you even in the same room as me, I'll make you sleep outside. Got it?" He eyed Jenny severely, but she just thought it was sexy, "Rule number two: Treat my wife, my home, and I with respect. I don't want either of you acting like the savages that you have been acting like for these past few days. That means no foul language, no drinking, no stealing my smokes, no calling Tokio a 'hooker', and above all, no talking."

"No talking?" whispered Kelly to Jenny, "Can that be done?"

"No whispering either! No communication of any kind! You both better hope you can mind read, otherwise, you're screwed!" yelled Saito, "Rule number three: Hands off! Don't touch anything in my home! If you want to sit down, you either levitate or stay standing. I'll assign you each an area, in separate rooms so that you can't cause me any grief. Follow these three rules, and I won't have to kill you."

"Well, ain't dis a muh'a fucka'," Kelly said, and got smacked upside the head by Saito for her troubles.