Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ The Kenshin Parody, Book 1 ❯ Chapter 11

6 hours later...

"Tokio! I'm home! And with the guests I told you about," Saito called.

"Oh, hello, there," Tokio said, and bowed politely. Jenny and Kelly were both getting tired of being beaten by Saito, so when he gave them an evil look, they bowed too.

"All right, Jenny, you get that room, and Kelly, you get this room. Remember what I said earlier."

The two girls nodded, and went off to their rooms.

"Peace and quiet at last," Saito said, and hugged Tokio. He sat down to eat his soba, but was rudely interrupted by a loud scream from Kelly's side of the room. "Goddammit," he muttered angrily, and got up to see what the problem was.

He opened the door to her room and...

"What the fuck is this? I ain't sharing no damn room with a twelve year old! What the fuck is wrong with ya'll, this is not a dorm room! This is a private Kelly room!"

"That's enough, shit!" Saito snapped. "Eiji, what were you doing in the guest room?"

"Playing. You never said we were having company!"

"I did! If you'd use those big ears of yours, you'd know! Now get out! And don't talk to either of the girls that are staying here, got it?"

"Yessir," Eiji said, and walked out.

Suddenly, just when he thought things were under control, he heard another scream, this time from Jenny's side of the house. "Sonofabitch!" he roared, and ran to the room.

Tokio was busy trying to fend off Jenny, who had picked up the futon and was trying to beat her with it. "RAR! Get thee away from here, you rabid Saito stealing hell spawn! Release whatever unholy grasp you have on my man's soul! Fut! Fut on thee!"

Saito had to gatotsu Jenny to tranquilize her. She lay in a heap on the floor.

"You got knocked the fuck out!" Kelly yelled, hopping into the room. Saito whirled on her.

"Get back to your room, goddammit!" Saito shouted in Kelly's face.

"No need to holla', damn. I'm goin' I'm goin'."

3 days later...

"Chief," Saito said, circles under his eyes, clothes rumpled, and hair messed up, "Chief, I need a break from those two."

Fo'head looked at him closely. "Yes, I can see you do. Where do you suggest we send them?"

"I was thinking a convent, but since that's not possible...They need more discipline than I have time to give them," Saito said wearily, trying to get his head in just the right position where the giant glare spot from Fo'head's moon-like fo'head wasn't in his face.

"I wonder if Himura-san would take them."

Saito shook his head. "As much as we don't get along, I wouldn't wish those two on anyone I know. Besides, they need to be farther away from me."

"Hmm. Doesn't Himura-san have friends that live on the outskirts of Kyoto? They have a restaurant, and I'm sure the people there could use some help."

"The Aoiya?" Saito asked, surprised that Fo'head had brains in that snow-globe of his, not just light. He grinned evilly. "Yes, I think that would work. I will send word to them right away. Until then, I'd like to keep the girls in jail."

"Jail them up again?" Fo'head was surprised how cruel his officer could be, "Isn't that a little harsh, Fujita-san?"

"NO!" shouted Saito, sitting up in his chair and slamming his palms down on Kawaji's desk, "Ahem, I mean, no, Sir. I just think it would be much safer for them to be in a jail cell, instead of in my general direction. I wouldn't want them to get hurt. The little sweethearts..." He said the last two sentences through gritted teeth, trying with all his might to look, or at least seem sincere. "If you won't keep them here, then please allow me to escort them to Kyoto personally."

"When?" asked Fo'head, spit shining his 'Earf'.

"If it's not too much trouble, now. Please." Saito silently prayed that his balding chief would allow him to get rid of them once and for all.

"Hmmmm...I suppose. You seem to have the young ladies in your best interests. Very well. You may use one of the station's coach's for the trip."

"Thank you," said Saito, standing up and bowing, "Don't worry, I'll send word to the Aoiya right away. I may have to elaborate a bit, but I'm sure they'll take the monsters...err...I mean girls."

"You're dismissed," said the Chief, watching Saito half walk, half skip, out of the room. Fo'head stood up and closed all of the shades in the office, and then he sat back down and aimed his head at a wall. He lifted his hands up, making what appeared to be a bunny rabbit, "I just love shadow puppet time! Hehehehehehe!! *screech screech* an eagle!"

Saito walked through his front door just in time to see Jenny chuck a bound and gagged Tokio into a nearby closet, "That oughta teach ya to even look at my Saito! Snaggle-toothed whore! Toothless gibbon!" Jenny slammed the door, dusting her hands off.

Meanwhile, Kelly had poor Eiji's head dunked into a bucket of swill, watching the simple bastard drown. She pulled his head out for a moment, just to pull on his jumbo ears. "You've seen me naked for the last time! Ya penis!" With that, she dunked him under again, before he could get a gulp of air.

Jenny ran into the room, face painted with Indian war paint, wearing Tokio's obi around her head. "To the stake with him! Heya heya heya heya-ho. AYAYAYAYAYAY! Woo woo woo!" She danced around Eiji in a circle, using a kitchen knife to puncture the air with every 'heya', "Me, Big-Head Chief Little Running Jen. You, fucked up." She stopped and pointed the knife at Eiji's ear, while Kelly grabbed a mop and started thwacking him across the back with it.

"Me, Fucking You Up Reeeeeeeeeeal Good Kelly Kelly," said Kelly.

"You little savages!" screamed Saito, opening the closet and pulling Tokio out.

Kelly straight froze where she was; her foot in the air, mop at the ready, dumbass look on her face.

Jenny put the knife down, "Oh, you're home. 'Bout damn time. The soba I made for you is getting cold."

Saito's angry face turned into a thoughtful one for a second. "Soba? I mean, what the fuck is going on?! I leave for a few hours and you two idiots turn my home upside-down. Get out! Out! Out!"

"But..."

"Out!"

"But..."

"OUT!"

"But the soba I made..."

"I'll eat it later...OUT!"

Jenny and Kelly ran out of the house, jumping into the coach that was waiting for them in front.

"Geez, touchy," said Kelly, shaking her head, "We were just having a little fun. It's not we were gonna just kill them both and burn the house down."

"What do you mean? I have the arrangement you wrote out right here," cried Jenny, showing Kelly the "Kill Tokio and Eiji" plan.

"Ohyeah."

"Shit, here comes Saito, and he looks even more pissed than normal," said Jenny, face all squished up against the glass window of the coach, "And will you just look at that ass? Come to mama."

Saito stopped directly in front of Jenny's mashed up face, causing Jenny to lick the fuck out of the glass. "Now I want you both to stop this nonsense. Behave yourselves! I have spoken with the chief--."

"Fo'head!!" cried the girls.

"Shut up! Like I was saying, I spoke with the chief and he suggested we send you to Kyoto, to stay at a restaurant called the Aoiya. I wanted to keep you at my place longer, but he wouldn't have it."

"You're getting rid of us?" cried Jenny, a horrified look on her mushed face that was still remarkably pressed into the glass.

"Sorry, but rules are rules. We have to go right this instant," he explained, getting onto the coach and sitting down next to Kelly, "We can reach Kyoto by this evening, if we hurry."

Kelly was strangely silent for some reason. She simply stared out the window.

"Hey Kelly!" hollered Jenny, "What do you have to say about dis bullshit?"

Slowly Kelly turned around, revealing a giant ass grin, "Ha-yuck, Aoshi's there."

"Oh brother," Jenny said, rolling her eyes. "You need to stop being so obsessed about him."

Kelly's grin turned into an angry glare. "Hey, let's not get started on obsessive-ness, okay? I have ONE Aoshi poster in my room, and that's it! You've got a pin, a pile of pictures, bed spreads, cardboard cut outs, a fake Shinsengumi outfit, a stuffed Saito, that naked tapestry hanging in your bathroom, and don't think I don't know what you do with that..."

"What? Saito, don't listen to her, she made it all up."

"I did not! What about those aku soku zan draws you got? Are those made up?"

"No, they're on right now!"

"Enough!" Saito shouted, clamping both hands over his ears.

"Aw, he looks like he's about to cry!" Jenny said.

Saito glared at her, his gold eyes flashing. "No, I don't."

"Ahhghhghhh, keep looking at me like that. I'm bad, I deserve it. You're really teaching me a lesson here."

"Shut up. Hey, where'd your friend go?"

"Huh?"

"Woo! Fly like the wind towards Kyoto! Fly like the wind, the wind! Look at me, I'm Sanosuke who gets fuckled uppled in every episode!" shouted Kelly, pointing like Sano.

Saito went for his sword.

"Noooooo!! Zero-stance gatotsu! Jenny style!" Jenny shouted, busting out with a hairbrush and brushing the holy poopy out of his hair.

::Snap!::

"Uh, oops."

Saito looked at her crazy. "I know what it means when I say oops, but when you say oops, it had better mean something good. What was that snapping noise?"

Jenny sheepishly held up one of Saito's four bangs. It had come off in her hand.

"Oh my God, that's bad," said Kelly, poking her head in. "What did you do?"

"Ooo, I just touched him, I didn't know he'd be so farking fragile! Calm down, calm down, I'll fix it," Jenny said, stroking his head, trying to calm him like his mother would do. "There now, stop turning red," she soothed, reaching down and grabbing his luscious ass. "There we go...ohhohohohoo."

Saito pushed her roughly away, but unfortunately, Jenny's hand was damn near glued to his ass.

"Let's talk about this, shall we? Boxers? Briefs? Dare I say it? Thongs?"

"From this angle, I'd wager that it was nothing," Kelly said, putting her 2 cents in and stroking her chin.

"SHUT UP!" Saito howled, and grabbed his hair back from Jenny, and firmly reattached it.

Jenny and Kelly looked at each other and mouthed, "What the fuck?"

"Damn legos and shit. How'd you do that?" Jenny asked, trying to touch it and find out.

"None of your fucking business. Now, SHUT UP for the eighth time!"

"Oooo, are we there yet? I gotta pee," Kelly said, dancing around in her seat.

"Driver! Go as fast as you possibly can!"

"Yeah, when are we gonna get there? We gotta find a bedroom or some shit," Jenny said.