Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ The Kenshin Parody, Book 1 ❯ Chapter 13

Kelly awoke to the sound of unnecessary moaning. She painfully moved her head to the left, only to get an eyeful of Jenny drooling onto her pillow and clutching a mini Saito doll. Every so often she'd make scary groaning sounds.

"AY! Jenny!" Kelly poked her sleeping friend hard in the chops, "Oh my God! There's Saito! He's totally naked from the waist down and erect like a mutha!"

Jenny's eyes snapped open, "Wha? Where! Where!" She sat up, scanning the dark room for her naked Adonis in blue, "Aw fuck, he's not in here! Why didja have to wake me up like that? I was having a great dream!"

"Let me guess. Saito was somehow naked in it?"

"Wow! How did you know?"

"Just a guess."

"Oh, um...speaking of Saito, the last thing I remember was him pushing me through a wall," Jenny rubbed her forehead, "But I think he patted my ass beforehand!" Jenny grinned triumphantly, even though the entire front of her bowling ball was bruised.

"Well, I'm not too fond of that bastard at the moment either. He gatotsu-ed me!"

Before Jenny could laugh her simple ass off, the door to their room slid open. "Ohayo! I hope you're both hungry! You've slept the entire day away!" Jiya beamed at the duo, carrying a tray of stuff that was hard to identify as being edible.

"Where's Saito?" Jenny eyed Jiya suspiciously, "And what the hell is that nasty slop on that tray? You surely don't expect me to eat that, do you? I am Mrs. Hajime Saito, and I will not be forced to eat that...Mmhhhmmggghhhh-" She was cut off by a pillow slamming into her face.

"Shut the hell up. I'm hungry dammit," Kelly said.

Jiya placed the food down in front of Kelly and Jenny. Jenny stuck her nose up at it, but Kelly dug right in.

"Oh jeeeeesus! How can you eat that shit! It looks like a pile of boiled testes on wheat!" cried Jenny, watching Kelly chew a big spoonful reflectively, "Oh God! A section of it winked at me!"

"Actually, it's not too bad," replied Kelly, "If you don't like it, then you can fookin' starve!"

Jiya watched Kelly as she ate, like some sort of perv. "That's right, open that mouth wider. You got some on your lip, lick it off. Oh yeah, swallow! I said swallow!!"

"Um, is this a porno or something? Git the fuck outta here you dirty over-sexed Japanese man! Unless your name is Aoshi, don't mention swallowing in my general vicinity, beeeyatch!" yelled Kelly, tossing the tray at Jiya's head with a vengeance.

As if magically, the door slid open a crack and Saito's head popped in, "Uhh, Jiya, where are the towels. I just took a bath and I couldn't find any..."

Jenny's ears visibly twitched, "Let me at that door!!" Kelly held Jenny back as she tried to once again rape her man.

"Are those the little monsters I hear? You girls had better behave yourselves in our guests' house, or else..."

"What is THAT?!" cried Kelly, her eyes bugging out of her head.

"Nani?"

Kelly pointed to the silhouette of Saito's naked body against the thin, paper door. "THAT!"

"What? What the hell are you talking about Kelly?" asked Jenny, oblivious to 'THAT'.

Kelly grabbed Jenny's round, circulate head and slowly aimed it to Saito's nether region. "Ohh...OHH!! OH CHRIST IN A HANDBAG!"

"Now you see what I'm talking about? That ain't no third leg. And I sure as hell don't think he likes bananas. Or very large Plumpers...Bratwursts....garden hoses..."

"What are you two jabbering about?" Saito asked, shifting his feet and thereby causing gravity to take its course.

The two girls watched the sexy shadow sway back and forth...back and forth...back and-well, you get it. It was swaying.

"Um, Saito...You don't need a towel."

"What? Why not?"

"They don't make towels that big! C'mon Saito! Let us see your meat sword! Give us a whack, eh?" Jenny added.

"Oh my kami-sama...Uhh, Jiya, those towels please!!"

"Oooooh my pretty Saito! Ciao!" Jiya suddenly flung open the door, leaving Saito to the innocent eyes of the two girls.

However, instead of being naked and defying gravity, he was fully dressed and holding a loaf of bread close to his crotch. A small smile crept onto his face, "What? You thought I was naked? Where are your minds?"

"In the gutter, as usual," replied Kelly, watching Jenny's sad gaze.

"Ohh, don't you look crushed. Did I spoil your fun?"

"You nerd, " Jenny whined.

"Yeah, anyways, breakfast is ready. So, if you're done ogling me..."

"No."

Saito sighed and then started off to the dining room without, them contemplating how sexy of a bitch he was.

"Damn, Saito's a sexy bitch," remarked Jenny, licking on the loaf of bread he left behind.

"Oooooh, you want some Jiya with that?" Jiya cried, undoing his pants.

"NO!" both girls cried in unison.

"Awwww, why not? You never experienced a sexy looking 90 year old like me?"

"Uhhh, if I wanted cock, I'd go to Aoshi."

"And I Saito. Repeatedly."

Misao walked in just then, and saw Jiya with his pants halfway down his ass.

"JIYA!!" Misao shouted, and looked away from his hairy ass crack. "Pull your pants back up and come down to breakfast!"

"What is this? A routine occurrence?" Kelly said.

"No thanks, I'm all sausaged out," Jenny said.

"You don't have to eat, but please sit with us. We'd like to get to know you better," Misao said, nearly choking on the words.

"Ooooo, I really want to get to know you ladies!" Jiya said.

"All right, enough already! Time out! When did this shit become a damn porno?" Kelly shouted.

Just then, Aoshi walked in. "Are you coming to breakfast?"

"Never mind, I remember now," Kelly said.

"I'm staying here," Jenny said, folding her arms over her chest.

"Ooooo, why go downstairs when you can have all the food you'll ever need right here?" Jiya asked, patting his wrinkled nuts, sending them to flapping.

"EEWWWWW!" Jenny screamed, and ran from the room. Jiya jogged after her.

"EEWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Get your nasty asshair outta here! Looks like a damn assfro!" shouted Kelly, leaving right after Jiya.

Jenny slid to a halt next to Saito and sat down next to him.

"Ooooo!" Jiya said, and plopped down next to Jenny.

"Ewwww! Saito, please for the love of all that's good and you, get this nasty sumbitch away from me!"

"Your problem."

Jiya started feeling all up on Jenny's leg. She crawled on top of Saito's head. Jiya grabbed her ass.

"Didju grab my ass, Saito?" He spread his hands. "Damn. Ewwwww, Jiya, get outta there!"

Jiya ignored her and started to knead the fleshy globes. "Oooooo!"

"Ewwww!"

"Ooooo!"

"Ewwww!"

"Oooooo!"

The whole table sat mesmerized at the sight.

Kelly strolled in, with Aoshi and Misao right behind her. Kelly took one look at the situation and said "Whooooa, no," and tried to walk back out, but Aoshi and Misao were blocking her way.

Misao gasped. "I didn't think this would happen..."

"What do you mean?" Kelly asked.

"I slipped something in Jiya's tea this morning to get back at you guys. I knew he would go after you, but I didn't think it would be like this."

"You hooker!" Jenny screamed. Jiya turned his attention from Jenny's ass to Saito's chest, seemingly getting confused between the two bodies.

"Ooooo, you're kinda flat..."

"Okina..." Aoshi said, seeing Saito's eyes.

"Ohhhhhh no," Saito said.

"Ooooo," Jiya said and started twirling Saito's nipples.

"Okina!" Aoshi said, getting desperate.

Jiya ignored him and fondled lower on Saito's body. Jenny cheered him on. "All right, ok, all right, now take it easy, slowly, that's right, yes, now place your hand over mine, and...ok, now grab that, and pull down. Okay, we've almost got it!"

Jiya ruined the moment by thrusting against Saito. Saito calmly lifted Jenny off his head, lit a cigarette, stood up with Jiya still clinging to him, and looked at Aoshi, who nodded sadly. The other Oniwabanshu cleared the area quickly.

"Oooooo! Ohohohohohohohohooooooooooooooooohhhh," Jiya moaned and a wet spot slowly began to spread all over Saito's backside.

Saito roared like a beast, and proceeded to fuck Jiya the fuck up. First, Saito grabbed Jiya by his beard and flung him back and forth like a rag doll. Then he grabbed Jiya around the waist and kicked his ass. Repeatedly. As Jiya lay there like a slug, Saito went in for the coup de grace. He pulled Jiya to his feet by his testicles and strung him up like a piñata. Saito dusted his hands off and sat down to finish his meal.

Jenny and the others cautiously crept back into the room, avoiding the pile of Jiya and the dangling nut sac.

"Uhhh, Saito-san, you want me to make you a bath? You just got, you know, male-ed on," said Jenny, approaching the sexy bastard with extreme caution. Much to her surprise, he patted the seat next to him and gestured for her to have some breakfast.

Kelly stood in the distance, arms flapping, "No! No! Don't do it!"

But Jenny was in her glory; "Finally you come to your senses and see me for the woman that I am, Saito!" She sat her ass down and then suddenly became aware of wetness and utter squishiness.

"What the hell am I sitting on?!" Jenny yelled, about to get up. As she tried, Saito clamped an arm down on her shoulder and pushed her back into the mess beneath her, "AY!"

"Where are you going? I thought you wanted to enjoy breakfast with me," Saito said, an almost friendly smile on his face, "Now, here, help yourself to a plate of...uhh...whatever this mess is. I'm not entirely sure, but I think Jiya rolled in it when I was teaching him a lesson."

"Umm, no thanks," said Jenny, feeling the uncomfortable lump digging in her ass, "Can I ask what I'm sitting on?"

"Probably not," replied Saito, "You can ask, but I'm not going to give away the surprise."

All of a sudden a shout rang across the room, "Oh dear lord! One of Jiya's testicles is missing! Everyone, be careful where you step!"

Jenny turned beet red and lowered her head for a second, "Is that what..."

Saito nodded, "That's right. Maybe next time you'll learn where little girl hands are meant to be: away from me."

Jenny looked totally mortified as she sat on the broken off testie, courtesy of a fucked up Jiya. Saito on the other hand looked extremely amused, or about as happy as he can look. He IS Saito.

"Kelly! Please help me! I'm sitting in a pile of nasty!" whined Jenny, trying to ignore the fact that Saito still held her in place. She flailed her arms like a tard, "Usually I would enjoy Saito holding me down against my womanly will, but I did not picture me having to sit on some guy's McLumpy while he was doing it!! Waaaaaaaaaaaaahh!!"

Kelly walked over to the still form of the late Jiya, looking directly where his privates should have been, "Um..Jenny, Jiya is still all together, slightly mangled and stringy, but all there. Oh God, I'm going to barf! I never thought that much hair could exist on one section of skin!" She turned away, a shade of pea green, "Move it or lose it Aoshi-sama, I'm gonna spew!" She ran from the room and slammed the bathroom door.

"If this is not Jiya...then what the hell am I...?" Jenny looked at Saito, trying to ignore the flutter of cartoon hearts spinning around her head, "Hey jerk! What's the big idea?"

"Aho," he replied, "You're sitting on breakfast..."

The entire room broke out into laughter, ignoring Jiya when he began to stir and make painful noises.

"Ahhhh Saito-san! That was a great joke!"

"Who would've thought an evil man like you could have a sense of humor!"

"Hey, look at the bigheaded girl! Can she get any redder?"

"...ha ha..." Even Aoshi joined in the celebration.

Jenny sat watching the morons around her break out into ear splitting laughter, "What the hell? You thought that was funny? Are your lives here in Japan really that boring?! Christ! Damn, Saito, holmes, you are lame as fuck. I'm sorry, I love you, but what the shit was all that about? I'm embarrassed to even like you now! Oh God! And you're smiling! Stop it! Stop it! I can't take it anymore! It's all too much! My entire image of the hunk of badass, chain-smoking man that is Saito is now completely and utterly ruined!" Jenny held her head painfully. Without warning, she ran from the room and out the front door screaming at the top of her lungs for some "Aku Soku Zan".