Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ The Kenshin Parody, Book 1 ❯ Chapter 14

Kelly came out of the bathroom looking a little bit better. She looked at the room of chuckling morons with disdain, "Uhh, what's the shiboz? Where's Jenny yo? Jenny?" She walked over to the still laughing Saito and checked under his jacket, "Jenny? You in there getting your freak on? Saito, where did she go?"

Saito halted laughing and his usually serious face reappeared, "Jenny? I don't know. And I don't care."

"Well, that was certainly nice of you," Kelly placed a hand on her hip, "Attention room full of slack jawed Eastern peeps. Where is Jenny!"

"She ran out the door," replied Misao, a slight smile on her grubby, crayon marked face, "She said she couldn't live without Saito-san's love and companionship, so she went to jump off a bridge. At least I'm hoping that's what she'll do."

"You a damn liar," replied Kelly, giving the tramp a look that could make a whore grab an application and work hard for the money, "Now come on everyone, this is serious. I mean Jenny. Alone in Kyoto. Jenny. Are you getting the picture here? J-E-N-N-Y alone in your city. Do you know how much trouble that BB head could cause here?"

Saito got slowly to his feet and lit a cig, "Ahhhh, I suppose I had better go out and look for the little monster. I'm only doing it because it's my job to serve and protect-"

"Yeah, and slaughter and assassinate on the side," added Kelly, trying to ignore the evil look he flashed her, "You know what Saito, this is all your damn fault. If you weren't so mean to her..."

"Aho, I don't have to be nice to either of you. I don't like either of you. It's my job to see you safe and sound in Kyoto though, so I can finally get you out of my hair." With that he started out the door, Kelly following closely behind.

"I'm going with them," said Aoshi suddenly and without warning.

The entire room froze and stared at him in awe.

"Ahhh, gomen Aoshi-sama," said Misao apologetically, "We're just not used to you speaking. Usually you do the "..." thing."

"..."

"Umm, like that right there."

Aoshi remained silent and picked up his sword. He walked out the door wordlessly, looking damn pimp and full of 'gotdamn'.

Two Hours Later

"Jenny! Jenny where are you!" called Kelly. She sighed and then looked around for a sign of a giant head. Nothing. She, Aoshi, and Saito had been looking through Kyoto's streets for 2 whole hours and they found not even a trace of Jenny. It was starting to get dark outside too.

"Well, she's not here," Aoshi said emotionlessly, "Any luck with you

Saito?"

Saito made an annoyed sound, "No, the little aho has really gotten herself lost now. Kami-sama, why did you have to unleash these girls on me? Why? Why?"

"Um, excuse me," said a voice. The three turned around to see a middle-aged man approaching them, "You wouldn't happen to be looking for a foreign girl with a large head, would you?"

"Yes! Tell us where she is!" cried Kelly, shaking the Uncle Sam out of the poor man.

"Whoa whoa whoa," he replied, vibrating like a...um...you know, "She went that way about an hour ago. Looked quite panic too if I do recall. She kept crying about some guy named Saito. You may want to find her before it gets too late. This part of town is particularly rough."

Kelly thanked the man and then headed off in the direction he had pointed. Saito and Aoshi followed, looking less than amused.

Meanwhile

Jenny wandered heartbrokenly through an alley, whimpering away like a lost midget, "S -aito-o-ooo *sniff* I miss your evil eyes, those pointy teeth, those funky bangs, that firm succulent ass...Waaah! SAITO!!!"

"Pssst," said a voice.

Jenny turned around, "Wha? Who's there?"

"Hey girl, how would you like to become a member of the Jupon Gatana?" the voice asked from inside of a garbage can.

"Dude, why are you in the garbage? Are you a hobo?" Jenny inquired, peering into the dark can.

"I am not a hobo!" cried the voice. All of a sudden the man stood up, garbage lid on his head, banana peel on his shoulder, paint chipping stench..."I work for the upcoming ruler of Japan, Shishio Makoto."

Jenny peered at the man, as if trying to remember his face, "Are you...Hoji?"

"How do you know my name!!" the man squealed, "Oh no, Shishio-sama is going to kill me."

"Isn't Shishio a BBQed corpse by now? Remember when he died so hilariously? Drooling...Burning ...Making gay noises..."

"How dare you talk about Shishio-sama in such a manner! Now you have two choices. One: Surrender and become a loyal servant of Shishio-sama. Or Two: Die!"

Jenny thought for a few minutes, "There's no third choice is there?"

"Uhhh, no."

"Hmm, ok. I'll choose number two," said Jenny, snickering away.

"What's so funny?" asked Hoji.

"I chose number two," replied Jenny, laughing even harder, "You know? Number Two. Get it?"

"Not really," Hoji said, a serious no nonsense expression on his square face, "Now c'mon, we have to meet Shishio-sama and the others at the secret hideout. Follow me." Hoji started to skip like a gay. Jenny followed a great distance behind.

Meanwhile...

"This sucks. Man, if we can't find Jenny, who am I gonna watch anime with when we get home?" moaned Kelly.

"Shh, I think I hear something," Saito said.

"You can't shh me; I'm a grown ass woman dawg. But wait, I think I hear it too," Kelly said.

"A deehhh?" said a retarded voice.

"Sounds like Jenny," Saito said.

"Nah, that's not her. She sounds more like 'deerrrr' than 'a deehhh', y'know?"

Saito just looked at her crazy.

A big fat guy came out of the alley in front of them. Kelly jumped back and hid behind Aoshi. "Wizut the fizuk is that!?"

"Iwanbo of the Juppon Gatana," Aoshi explained. Or said. Or exclaimed. You can't really tell with him.

"Who of the what?" asked Kelly.

"Juppon Gatana. Shishio's henchmen," said Saito, drawing his sword.

"Ahh. Wait a tic, Saito. You're gonna use a sword on this guy? Jesus, he's dumber than Jenny and you don't use a sword on HER!"

"Hmm. You have a point."

"So, Shinomori Aoshi, we meet again," said a childlike voice from behind them.

"Oooo, say that again. It sounded so sexy when you said his name. Of course, when I scream it, it would sound so much better," Kelly said, and got a look of complete disgust from Aoshi.

"Seta. What are you doing here?" Saito asked.

"Recruiting. We need two more people since you and the Battousai got rid of Cho and Fuji. Hoji-san already found one, a big-headed girl with no manners and a dirty mouth."

"He-hey! Now, that sounds like Jenny. Wait a minute. Aren't you a Rurouni now? And isn't Shishio dead? Last time I checked, his ass was a shrimp on the barbie. Y'know, toasty roasty and shit. And didn't Saito and Kenshin whoop all y'all asses?"

"What are you talking about?" Saito asked.

"Well, I guess we magically got thrown into an AU Kenshin story. Never mind, guys," she said, then looked at Aoshi. "But you better not go joining the JG, all right? I mean, it was cool and all how you fucked Jiya up, but that was way wrong. And don't fight Kenshin anymore, cuz you'll lose. I love you man, but you kinda suck. The top five guys in all of Rurouni Kenshin are Hiko, Saito, Kenshin, you, and Sanosuke. In that order. Ay, don't look at me like that. Like I just shot your mama or somethin'. Constructive criticism, man, geez, relax."

"Ahem."

"Oh, Seta, I'm sorry, I forgot you were there. You may go now," Kelly said all arrogantly, like she could back up those words.

Suddenly, off in the distance, a voice called out: "SSAAAAAAAIIITOOOOO!"

"Jenny? HEY JENNY!!! GETCHER BITCHASS DOWN HERE!"

A couple minutes later, Jenny came running up, huffing and puffing.

"Damn, cut that smokin' out."

"Shaddup. Man, I just ran away from Shishio. That nigga crazy, let me tell you! First, that screwball Hoji jumped out the damn garbage can like some sort of sick joke and swindled me into joing the Juppon Gatana. Then, I have to sit and have a 'private' conference with Shishio's burntastic self and lemme tell you, that shit aint cute. I mean, he isn't good lookin' anyways, not by a long shot, but he smells funky too! Like...like when you cook on the stove and something from last time you cooked spilled over and you never cleaned it up, and now you're cooking it? That mystery burn smell. And man is Yumi a hooker! She's even more hookerish than Tokio!"

"That's enough right there," said a mummy lookin' guy that could only be Shishio.

"Ack! Saito, protect me! And watch out for that metal plate he has in his head bandages!!" Jenny squealed, and tried to hide behind Saito.

"What are you going to do now, you bandaged young punk?" Saito asked.

"Ew, no, it's 'you wrapped up bag of shit'," Kelly said.

"Hey, don't tell me how to talk garbage," hissed Saito, unsheathing his sword.

"Wooo! Wrong sword!" called Jenny, laughing like some sort of hentai-dono, "You want the one attached to you!! Ooooo!! Here, I got it, don't strain yourself!" She reached forward, but got a slap upside the head for her troubles.

"You shut up too! This is all your fault young lady," continued Saito, amber eyes flashing, "I'm in no mood to be toyed with right now, especially not by some under-aged brats." He went into Gatotsu stance, looking mad as a mutha whose son just got shot.

"Ahhhh, Saito Hajime, we meet again," rasped Shishio, "Now I can finally have my revenge on you." He slumped forward, dragging his right heel and making scary moaning sounds. "Um, this is going to take awhile. It seems I can't move as fast as I used to…"

"Don't worry, I'll come to you," roared Saito, charging forward, sword at the ready. Suddenly he stopped dead in his tracks. Jenny was clinging to his leg like some sort of leech, "What are you doing? Get off of me this instant!"

"I missed you so much Saito-chan!!" whined Jenny, "Even after you were so mean to me! My my, you're thighs are muscular… Ohhohohohohoho!!"

"You are embarrassing me!" he whispered out of the corner of his mouth, trying to ignore the whip sounds that Shishio tried to make as well as the hand on his ass, "Now let go of me!" He noticed that Shishio's ol' slow crusty ass was advancing, so he began to shake his leg.

"Who would've thought that Saito Hajime could be beaten by a girl with an abnormally large head," laughed Shishio, "Now you will finally DIE!!"

Before Mum-u-la could try a damn thing, Kelly ran forward with a flaming branch, "Back! Back I say! As a mummy, you should be afraid of fire!" She watched as Shishio began to flap his arms like a retard.

"EEEEEIII!!" he screamed, flap flap flapping away, "Get it away!!"

Jenny now had Saito down to his draws, "Hey hey hey, no need to get excited this soon!"

Saito turned beet red, veins sticking out of his neck. He looked up to the sky for help, "Kami-sama, have mercy on me!"

"Kami-sama is havin' mercy! It ain't like you gotta beg for this kinda treatment! Ooooooo!"

"Shishio-sama!!" cried a woman's voice. He turned and saw Yumi running for him. She carried a pail of water, which she splashed him with, "There, let's see her try to burn that."

"Yumi!" Shishio held her in his arms. Suddenly, he stabbed her for no reason.

"Shishio-sama," she cried, love in her eyes, "Thanks!"

"You didn't have to stab her! What the fuck!" yelled Kelly.

"You don't know my woman very well," he explained, "She died for the cause."

"Um…what cause? Kenshin was not there in front of her," yelled Jenny, her voice muffled. She peeked out from Saito's coat, clinging to him as he tried to get away, "OMG! He looks like a Soggy!"

Kelly stared at Shishio for a full minute, "By shit you're right! Dude, you ain't getting a piece of my mutha fuckin' Cap'n Crunch!" She clutched her box of cereal to her, watching as Shishio licked his lips in hunger.

Finally Saito got away from Jenny, half-naked and disheveled, "Ok, where was I? Oh yeah, don't worry, I'll come to you!" He ran forward, only in his draws, shoes, and a shirt.

Before Saito could mess a body up, some jerk in a trench coat jumped in front of him, "Shishio Makoto, I will kill you."

Saito stopped and tossed his sword down, "Awww, shit. I give up." Jenny ran for him and reassumed the ass grabbing position in the blink of an eye.

"Damn, even you gotta be quicker than that!"

"Gotdamn Aoshi? What is your ignorant ass thinkin' `bout?" Kelly hollered, "I hope you're ready for the humiliation of getting your ass beat down by a half-baked mummy! I know ya'll around me thinking: This sumbitch better not try to fight him. This mutha fucka better not even try to fight him. Hey Aoshi! Stop! This gotdamn mutha fucka IS gonna fight him!" She ran forward to pull him back, but someone stopped her.

"A…A deeeeeeh?"

"Damn! Git your damn obese mits offa me!" she yelled, as the fat red man tried to sit on her, "Oh hell naw! That ass gets within 2 inches of me, I'm gonna go Legato Bluesummers on yo' In Need of Jenny Craig Badly ass."

As she spoke, the giant pimply ass descended upon her. The shadow alone was enough to cause a city wide blackout.

"Noooooooo!!!" she cried, lifting her hands to shield her face from the ass-lanche. Her shouts were muffled as her mouth was filled with raw waddly-lard-flab.

Aoshi was down in 2.4 seconds. Shishio just looked at the man and he crumpled to the ground in a sexy heap.

"That's sad," said Saito, shaking his head sadly.

Even Jenny looked up from her luscious ass grabbing position, "Dems the breaks, or the ass. Whichever."

Suddenly the alley got brighter and the sound of choir girls filled the air.

Kelly poked her head out from under the tox of butt, "Hiko! Praise the Aoshi cock! You're here to save us all!"

Hiko flashed a smile that blinded all, "Ho ho! Here I am!"

Saito looked not at all impressed. He glanced down at Jenny, who was salavating at the speed of Lake Michigan. Her hand even dropped from his ass. "Hmm, you again."

"Yes, it is I," Hiko said arrogantly, strutting around the alley and looking down upon the scared shitless Juppon Gatana.

Hoji ran out before Hiko dressed in drag, "Stop! You dare go against Shishio-sama! I, Hoji, will not allo--." Before he could get the rest of his tard ass saying out, Hiko stepped over him like he weren't even there. *crunch crunch*

Hiko looked down at the sound of a sickening crunch, "Ew, my nice boots! Boy, get over here and clean it up this instant," He gestured for Shishio to bend down and give his shoes a gauze shine.

"Yessir." He bent down and began to shine with a vengeance.

Saito walked up behind him and booted him a few times directly in his dusty ass. Little clouds of sand flew up in the air.

Aoshi slowly got to his feet, rubbing his head, "...what happened...did I...win?"

"No," said everyone in unison.

"A...a deeeeh?" Iwanbo shifted his ass, making Kelly get wet and full of ass. The ass smell was so strong that even the fat ass himself coughed.

"Why am I going to get wet? This is so gross! Jenny! Stop writing this disgusting segment!"

Jenny hunched over her mini laptop, "Nooo!! Mwahahahahahahaaa!!! Watch what I'm going to do next!!" Jenny typed frantically, looking like Professor Tomoe, complete with moonsmile and shiny glasses.

Kelly looked around, afraid of what could happen. Without warning, Shishio's head flew from his shoulders and hit a wall. Then Iwanbo's draws flew off, leaving Kelly to fend for herself in the watery depths.

Saito looked around in horror. He watched Jenny as her gaze slowly set upon him,"Ooooooo."

Magically, Saito became a Manticore. He danced around, dancing the night away, "I don't know what's going on, but I'm enjoying this."

Aoshi's trenchcoat flipped over his head and an imaginary foot kicked the shit outta his ass, "You're a loser! You suck! Can't you do anything right? Gotdamn!" yelled the disembodied voice of Ray Charles.

"Ow! Ow! Stop it! You're making me say more than 5 words!" cried Aoshi, actually looking constipated.

Saito left his Manticore form and became a bird. A smoking, cussing, killing bird.

Jenny the Author put on her wicked witch of the west costume and waved her arms, "Fly my pretty! Fly!!!"

Saito flew forward and began to peck Shishio's head, which had sprouted feet and a hand.

Kelly was almost drowning in ass water. She opened her mouth to scream for help but her mouth was filled with life-killing ass.

Jenny typed two more words and the alley suddenly was filled with dancing count draculas and a few wolfmen to boot. It was like a Universal Studios rave! Trance music filled the air and there were strobe lights.

"Ok, that's enough," said Hiko, unplugging the magic computer.

"Aww....bitch." Jenny looked down, tears filling her crazy eyes. Everything suddenly went back to normal, except for Kelly drowning in ass.

"Hell! I'm drowning in ass!" screamed Kelly, swallowing another gulp.

Saito and the others looked pretty pissed. He picked Shishio up and killed him with a single look. Seta ran like a pansy, and Hoji hopped after him like a garbage man.

Iwanbo suddenly flew away.

"Aw, God." Kelly got up, still swimming with absolute shit and crabs, "C'mon! As if shit weren't nasty enough! Aoshi! You still love me, right?"

Aoshi avoided her gaze, kicking dirt around and muttering something about being a loser.

Kelly woke up, sweating like Al Capone at FBI headqueeters. "That was one fucked up ass dream. I don't even know what a manticore looks like. Wait a second. My basement! Aw hell naw! Jenny, wake up!!"

"Ugh? Man, I had the porno-est dream. I dreamt we went to Rurouni Kenshin land and I molested Saito through the whoooooole damn thing."

"Man, dawg, hey man, man, you know what I'm sayin', man?"

"Man, I know what you sayin' man. I love you too, man," said Jenny, holding up a can of Bud Light.

"Man, that's NOT what I'm sayin'. Man, was that real?"

Jenny looked down and saw her hand molded into the Saito luscious ass grabbing position. "Man, holy shit, man. I touched Saito's ASS!"

"I held Aoshi cock!"

THE END

Or is it? DA DA DAAAAAAAAA!