Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ Things I'll Never Say ❯ Chapter 1

This is something I felt inspired to write. I was on my way to work, thinking of the next chapter of my story when this song came on. It's from Avril Lavigne and I love the song to begin with. It's peppy and upbeat and is one of many songs on the soundtrack to my life. I've read a couple of songfics and decided what the hell, I'd write one based on this song with Kenshin and Kaoru. It's an alternate world and does have out of character behavior to a degree. It's just a short little story I had to write down before I could return to the bigger picture. To all those waiting, the next chapter will be out soon, this weekend, I promise. Luv ya all!

I don't own Kenshin or Kaoru. Also I don't own Avril Lavigne's `Thing's I'll Never Say. But it's a great song though ^_^

I hope you enjoy. This is my first song fic so feel free to let me know what you think!

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Kaoru hesitated before pulling the door to the restaurant open. Her blue eyes searched the dim space searching for a familiar face. Well one face in particular she looked for. Not spotting it she moved to the maitre'd stand. The man there smiled warmly at her.

"May I help you?"

"I'm meeting someone."

"Name?"

She absently reached up and began to play with the pendant on her necklace. "It might be under Himura. I didn't make the reservation."

"Ah yes." He found it and looked up at her. "You are the first to arrive. Would you care to sit down or have a drink at the bar?"

Nervously Kaoru glanced at her watch. She was two minutes early. She offered the man a weak smile. "I'll sit. He'll be here any minute."

The man showed her to a table by the window and handed her a menu. Tenuously she accepted it. Nibbling on her bottom lip she eyed the other tables hunting for a flash of brilliant red hair. She didn't see it and studied her menu desperately hoping no one was looking at her and feeling sorry for her.

*

`I'm tugging at my hair

I'm pulling at my clothes

I'm trying to keep my cool, I know it shows.'

*

Kaoru bounced lightly in her seat and ran a tongue over her teeth. She bit her lip again and then wondered if she had gotten lipstick on her teeth. Cursing herself for allowing Megumi to convince her to wear makeup this evening she searched her purse frantically for a mirror. She came up empty and glanced helplessly around for something. She didn't want to leave the table lest she miss him. Her azure eyes landed on the silverware and she picked up the spoon.

She peered into the curved back and flashed her teeth. She couldn't see anything on them, nothing caught between them. Just to be sure, she ran her tongue once more over the smooth surface and stuck her finger into her mouth. She pulled it out and saw a slight smudge of lipstick around the knuckle. It was a good thing she had checked.

Glancing at her watch, she saw nearly five minutes had passed since she sat down. That made him three minutes late! What if he didn't come? She'd been waiting for far too long trying to build up her courage to this moment. Kaoru was going to do it tonight, at this table, even if it killed her. She would Kenshin just how she felt.

She looked once more at her watch and saw the time had not changed. She swore softly. Either her watch was broken or barely any time had passed since she'd last checked it. Kaoru bet it was the latter, but what if her watch was broken? What if she was an hour late or god forbid an hour early? Megumi would do something like that to her finding it funny. But then she knew how important this was to her. While the woman did have a tendency to leave Kaoru in precarious situations, she wasn't purposely mean.

The waiter arrived then. "Can I offer you a drink while you wait for the rest of your party?"

She looked up at him and brushed her dark hair from her eyes. "What time is it?"

The man looked slightly flustered. He hastily looked at the watch on his wrist. "I have six forty two."

Her eyes widened. Twelve minutes! "There isn't a chance that your watch is fast, is there?"

"It's ten minutes faster than the restaurant clock. At least the clock I punch in and out by."

Kaoru closed her eyes. "Only two minutes then." She whispered. He wouldn't stand her up would he?

"Kaoru-dono?"

Her eyes flew up at the sound of her name. Only one person called her that. She looked up and saw Kenshin standing next to the server.

*

`I'm staring at my feet

My cheeks are turning red.'

*

Dumbly she stared at him. He was beautiful, even more so than when she'd last seen him three months before if that was possible. Realizing she was gaping, she stood and smiled at him. The server disappeared and she waited, unsure of what she was supposed to do.

*

`I'm searching for the words inside my head.'

*

"It's good to see, Kaoru-dono."

She grinned at him shyly. "You too."

He stepped towards her then and enveloped her in his embrace. She melted against him, enjoying her brief brush with heaven. She turned her face slightly into his flaming red hair and took a deep breath. She loved his smell. The intermingled scents of sandalwood and cedar she identified as Kenshin. She relaxed and briefly speculated the length of the embrace. Was it a bit longer than propriety necessitated? And if it was, what did it mean?

"I missed you, that I did." He told her and pulled out her chair for her.

The chivalrous gesture had her flushed. She couldn't recall him so openly treating her like a woman before. Not that he had treated her like a man. For the years they had known each other, they had a comfortable relationship. But then as they had gotten older, her feelings had changed. She no longer looked at him as a best friend, but rather someone she wanted more with. Then he had fallen in love with someone else.

"Something to drink?" The waiter had returned.

Kenshin smiled at her, his amethyst eyes sparkling. "Are you in the mood for wine or would you like a cocktail?"

"Um, maybe a cocktail first." The liquor would hopefully settle her nerves.

"She'll have an apple martini, but with a splash of midori and pineapple juice." Kaoru stared at him surprised he recalled the particular way she liked her drink. "I'll have a jack and ginger."

The man nodded and left them alone again. "How have you been?" She asked after a minute.

"Good. Traveling gives me time to think."

"I see."

Silence descended again and Kaoru scrupulously looked at her menu, not really seeing the food offered, but hiding from the intense look Kenshin kept giving her.

*

`I'm feeling nervous

Trying to be so perfect.'

*

Her thoughts kept straying to the fact he had left and the reasons surrounding his abrupt departure. Tomoe had been perfection. Kaoru greatly wanted to be that for Kenshin in the hopes he would return her love. Obviously he preferred his woman that way. But she didn't have the natural grace Tomoe had portrayed. Even after the weeks of Megumi trying to turn her into a lady so to speak, all of that had gone at the window with one bone melting smile from the man cross from her.

*

`Cuz I know you're worth it

You're worth this.'

*

The waiter returned with their drinks and they placed their order. Unfortunately for Kaoru that meant she lost her menu to hide behind.

"Here's to putting the past behind us." Kenshin toasted, raiding his glass.

She reached for her cocktail and clinked glasses with him. What was that suppose to mean? Had he gotten over the heartbreak from his first love?

She sipped her martini, allowing the tart concoction to slide down her throat. She vowed to never hurt him the way Tomoe had. She had left him, tearing his heart to shreds in the process. Devastated, Kenshin had left, deciding it was time to see the world. He had returned home every few weeks. This last stint abroad had been the longest he had ever been gone. For over two years, he had seen most of the world. And yet he continues to leave, running from the heartache one woman had left behind.

*

`If I could say what I wanna say,'

*

It was time to tell him. She took another gulp from her drink. "Kenshin. There's something I've been meaning to tell you.

*

`I'd say I wanna blow you away

Be with you every night

Am I squeezing you too tight?

*

"I love you. I think I've always loved you. I missed you so much these last few months. I go to bed each night aching for you. I can't even begin to explain it. I love everything about you. The way your upper lips curls right before a smile lights up your face. I love the way you hair falls ever so gently across your face. You're so gentle and sweet, always thinking of everyone else. How you used to try desperately to keep Sanosuke from drinking to the point that makes him belligerent and wanting to pick a fight."

She paused, sucking in a deep breath. Kenshin stared at her, his violet eyes shinning in the dim light. "I love you. It's that simple."

The redhead reached across the table and took her hands in his. "I was hoping you would say something like that. "I have missed you so much. I thought of nothing but you while I was gone. I brought you something." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small box.

With wide cerulean eyees, Kaoru could only stare at it. "It's a token of my devotion to you. I love you." He opened it. Inside was a brilliant sapphire embedded on a band on white gold.

*

`If I could see what I wanna see

I wanna see you go down on one knee

Marry me today…'

*

"Kaoru-dono?" She blinked. Kenshin was watching her a look of concern etched on his face. "What did you want to say to me?"

*

`Yeah I'm wishing my life away

With these things I'll never say.'

*

Coming back from her brief daydream she flashed a smile at him. "I missed you." She told him. Kenshin would never be so flamboyant. He was more reserved and subtle. Not that he wouldn't hesitate to declare his love, yet he would never go as far as to propose. Plus he would give her something that was smaller and more sentimental than a ring from his travels across the world.

Their salads came and they spoke of idle things.

*

`It don't do me any good

It's just a waste of time

What use is to you?

What's on my mind?'

*

"How are Sano and Megumi?"

"You haven't talked to them yet?"

"I spoke to Sanosuke a few days ago. He mentioned he had finally saved up enough money."

She grinned. "He's finally going to do it. I can't believe it."

He returned her smile. "After this time. What do you think she'll say?"

"There's only one answer for her to give. The nature of it will depend of course upon how Tori-atama asks her."

Kenshin chuckled along with her. "Knowing how long it took them to finally admit their feelings towards each other, I imagine she'll make him suffer if he doesn't ask properly."

"Proposing marriage is not something to be taken lightly." She stated and then blushed as she recalled her numerous fantasies of Kenshin asking her just that question.

"What do you think he'll do?"

"The only way Megumi will want it done. He'll take her to dinner at one of the five star restaurants downtown. He'll order a bottle of champagne. If he's suave enough, the ring will be in the glass and then Meg will drink and see it. Then he'll get down on one knee and ask her."

"And how do you expect him to bumble the entire thing? What will really happen?"

Kaoru grinned wryly. "I think he'll forget the ring for starters. Not to mention his wallet will be forgotten as well. Megumi will be furious at having to pay for dinner she'll accuse him of being a freeloader and want to end it. Then in desperation, he'll ask her to marry him. She'll say it's a ploy and get even more upset. They'll go their separate ways."

"And then what?" He asked, his eyes dancing in merriment at the picture she painted of their friends.

"He'll go over to her house in the middle of the night, apologize and show her the ring. She'll get weepy and then, snap!" She snapped her fingers to emphasize her point. "They'll be engaged."

"You don't give Sano enough credit."

"I've known him for far too long."

"And you're probably right."

Their laughter faded away.

*

`If it ain't coming out

We're not going anywhere

So why can't I just tell you that I care?'

*

"Will you stay?" She asked, her voice wavering ever so slightly.

*

`Cuz I'm feeling nervous

Trying to be so perfect

Cuz I know you're worth it

You're worth this.

*

Kenshin watched her, his eyes never leaving her face. "As long as I have no reason to leave." He sighed and then smiled brightly at her. "And how do you imagine the man of your dreams to ask you?"

*

'If I could say what I wanna say

I'd say I wanna blow you away

Be with you every night

Am I squeezing you too tight?'

*

Kaoru swallowed. So many times she had dreamed of him asking her. Should she share one of her fantasies with him? Let him know it was him she even envisioned as the one asking her?

"I'd want it to be a surprise. But I want it to be planned. Like we were walking down the street randomly and he pulled the ring out of his pocket. I don't know." She shrugged. "If I loved him it wouldn't matter." She looked up at him.

*

`If I could see what I wanna see

I wanna see you go down on one knee

Marry me today…yeah I'm wishing my life away

With theses things I'll never say.'

*

Suddenly overwhelmed by her own emotions, Kaoru stood. "I'll be right back."

"Are you okay?" His voice was laced with anxiety.

"I'm fine." She told him, attempting to keep her voice steady. She turned before he could protest.

Quickly she made her way to the bathroom. The tears threatened. Why the hell was she crying? She just needed to tell him how she felt. Instead she was in here blubbering like a fool.

*

`What's wrong with my song?

The words keep slipping away.'

*

Kaoru splashed some water on her face, grateful the mascara was at least waterproof. She didn't know if she could handle that mess of having to reapply her makeup. She covered her mouth with her hand as she peered at her reflection. Taking a deep breath she tried to calm her nerves.

It was just Kenshin. She had known him for so long. Her first kiss had been with the man in Megumi's basement playing a game of spin the bottle when she was fourteen and he was sixteen. She didn't presume she had been his first kiss, but it was always a nice thought. They had been through so much together. She could tell him how she felt. He wouldn't merely spurn her and just walk away.

*

I stutter, I stumble

Like I've got nothing to say.'

*

She felt steadier and she strengthened her resolve to confess her feelings. Even if she did it right this moment. That being said she left the bathroom.

*

`Cuz I'm feeling nervous

Trying to be so perfect

Cuz I know you're worth it

You're worth this.'

*

When Kaoru returned to the table their dinner was there. She was no longer hungry. She sat down, her attention focused on her food. She pushed the shrimp and scallops around the bowl, her attention on keeping herself firm in her decision to tell him everything.

"Kaoru-dono? Are you sure you're all right?"

She looked up at him. "Yes. In fact for me everything is fine because you're here with me."

The violet eyes blinked. "I'm happy to be here with you."

*

`If I could say what I wanna say'

*

Taking a deep breath and met his gaze. "There's something I need to tell you."

"Okay."

*

I'd say I wanna blow you away

*

"We've known each other for a long time. We've been through so much together. High school, graduation, the death of my parents, college, Sanosuke and Megumi's bickering, your heartbreak…" She faded with her last words as she saw the man cringe as she brought up what must be a painful memory. This is not where she was supposed to go with this and she nearly bolted.

Instead Kaoru closed her eyes and clinched her fist.

*

'Be with you every night

Am I squeezing you too tight?"

*

"I don't care how you feel anymore. All I know is what I feel and I have to get this out. It's been pressing on me for so long and then you left before I could do anything about it.

"Kaoru-dono-"

"No! I need to say this before I lose my nerve. I have spent the entire afternoon, the entire week trying to gain the courage to tell you this. Ever since I heard you were back in town and you called me asking me to meet you for dinner. I need to have my say.

*

'If I could see what I wanna see

I wanna see you go down on one knee,

Marry me today…yeah I'm wishing my life away

With these things I'll never say

*

"I'm not perfect like she was. I never will be. All I could think about was this moment. How long I have waited for it and dreamed of it. IT has hardly gone the way I imagined.

"Kaoru-dono-" He reached across the table for her hand.

She stood to avoid his touch. "If you're going to go, then just go. I can't stand to have you continuously breaking my heart. I know Tomoe hurt you, but Damnit Kenshin! Get over it before the best thing that ever happened to you walks away." The man sat there stunned

"Is that all you have to say?" He asked her quietly after a moment.

Her eyes filled with tears. "I…I…" She couldn't say it, had to yet to tell him.

Feeling mortified she fled. She couldn't do it. The hot tears coursed down her cheeks. She hit the door to the outside hard and bumped into someone. She stood on the sidewalk briefly deciding what to do. She turned to the left and turned the corner. She leaned against the wall, her cobs shaking her body.

How long she stood there she didn't know. She wanted him to come after her and another part of her didn't. "Kaoru-dono."

She looked up at her name and saw Kenshin standing there. His chest heaved and reached out to touch her. She shied away from his touch and she saw the flash of pain that went through his violet eyes.

"I wanted to know if you have finished telling me everything you needed to say?"

Mutely she shook her head, and then nodded refusing to meet his gaze. "I came here to tell you something. I've waited long to tell you this. I'm over Tomoe. I have been for a long time. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. I know this. It took me so long to realize it. That's why I left. I had convinced myself you felt nothing for me but friendship. I was a fool. I can't hide from my feelings for you any more. I love you Kaoru-dono. I always have."

With trembling lips she looked up at him and saw the sincerity in his eyes. "I love you." She whispered, her voice barely audible even to her.

His lips curled ever so slightly. "Really?" She nodded. The smile lit up his face and he caught her up in his arms. He swung her around, his embrace strong and sure. He put her back down and brushed the dark tendrils from her face. Then he was kissing her. Kaoru melted against him, relishing the way his lips moved over hers. Giving into temptation, she trailed her fingers through his fiery hair. HE pulled back from her and rested his forehead against her. "We need to get back." Kenshin murmured.

"Back?" She asked through a daze.

"To the restaurant."

"Restaurant?"

"We haven't paid."

"What?" She shook her head trying to make sense of what he was saying.

"You ran out and I chased you. I had to give the waiter my wallet so he wouldn't chase after me. I figured it might ruin the moment if he came and interrupted us."

Kaoru giggled and pulled him to her. "Okay. But promise you're going to make it up to me." She whispered in his ear.

He shivered in her embrace. "What's that?"

"For making me say the things I'd never say."

He kissed her again and trailed his lips to her temple. "Koishi, I plan to do just that."

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And there it is. I hope you have enjoyed it. It didn't take that long to write. Unfortunately I thought of it ON the way to work and had a six hour shift dealing with people before I could actually sit down and write it. So of course, some of the exchanges, which I envisioned in the car, were much better when I first "wrote" them in my head. Anyway, I hope you liked it. I'm quite proud of it. So hope to hear from everyone. Until next time!