Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ To Be Alone ❯ Chapter 1
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: Arigatomina 
Anime/Manga: Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Samurai / Romance / Drama / Angst | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 03.11.2003 | Updated On: 09.06.2003 | Pages: 3 | Words: 5.0K | Visits: 1.1K | Status: Work In Progress
Anime/Manga: Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Samurai / Romance / Drama / Angst | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 03.11.2003 | Updated On: 09.06.2003 | Pages: 3 | Words: 5.0K | Visits: 1.1K | Status: Work In Progress
Author's Notes: This fic takes place after the Kyoto saga, as if the Christian Saga never took place. It is also a sequel to 'Till Morning.'
Category: Anime, Rurouni Kenshin, Yaoi, TWT
Warnings: vague limish content, minor angst, shonen ai, possible sap
Pairings: SanosukexKenshin, Kaoru+Kenshin
Author: Arigatomina
Email: arigatoumina@hotmail.com
Website/Complete Archive: http://www.geocities.com/arigatomina
Japanese=English: ano=um/well, demo=but, baka=idiot, dono=miss, daijoubu=it's okay/alright, de gozaru=old fashioned polite add-on ('that it is' in English dubbed version)
To Be Alone
Nervousness and foreboding kept Kenshin awake many nights, but this was different. For the first time, he was surrounded by a peace so comfortable he willingly clutched awareness. He didn't want to miss any of it, not even a moment. Strong arms curved over his back, weight pressing the silk of his hair against his skin, and the warmth beneath his cheek lulled him as nothing had in years. It had been so long since he'd felt the comfort of an embrace that he clung to it selfishly. No matter how much Kaoru cared for him, the girl didn't have the strength to hold him like this, to wipe away everything, if only for a little while. The vitality surrounding him was an emotional well and he drew from it, bathed in it as the darkness met its end. Deep breaths lifted him gently in lapping waves that nearly melted his heart. The comfort and safety he'd known once before, ten years past in the arms of his wife, but the purity was like none other. Even in sleep, the iron strength was ever so careful not to harm him, the smooth neck vulnerable and bare to his resting head. There were no hidden motives there, no secret agenda beating in the heart beneath him. If there were a way, he might have remained in those arms for eternity, just being held, sheltered, comforted. The past could disappear in those arms.
Hours passed before Kenshin pulled himself out of that pleasurable stasis, his violet eyes opening to the shadows. It would be daylight before too long, and now was the time to face reality. What he'd done last night was something he had thought of numerous times, a variety of imaginings spawned by the youth's bright mahogany gaze, the warm smile that drew him in over and over again. He'd even been accused of having done so already, by a man who knew him better than any of them. But he felt no guilt at having accepted Sanosuke's adamant invitation. Although young, the man had fought beside him too often to be treated as a child. Sano had come to him, and he felt no remorse. All that remained was the path this night could lead them on. Kenshin had no intention of pushing his needs onto his friend. He was accustomed to being turned and swayed by the others, and this would be no different. If last night was a single occurrence, then that was simply the way it was. It depended not on him, but on the strong soul sleeping so peacefully beneath him.
Stealth was one of Kenshin's attributes, but it seemed even asleep, Sanosuke noticed small details. He'd no more than lifted his head before those arms tightened around him, pressing his body close to the young man. Kenshin's breath caught in his throat, and he held it, ducking his face back into the curve of Sano's neck. The embrace was so tight he felt the beginnings of discomfort, but he welcomed that as well and relished in the strength. The hold loosened as Sano let out a mumbled sound, and Kenshin released his breath with a soft sigh. As much as he wanted to prolong the encounter, his sense of responsibility was too strong to ignore. Kaoru and Yahiko would worry if he weren't there when they woke. A small smile curved Kenshin's lips, and he brushed his cheek over Sano's neck, pushing himself up again. The two wouldn't just be worried, they'd be furious if they woke to find no breakfast waiting for them. He knew that without a doubt. And he didn't want the floating warmth he felt to be ruined by a deserved rant.
Pressing an arm across Sano's chest, Kenshin pushed himself up enough to look at the sleeping man. Heavy arms slid down from his shoulders to pool on the small of his back, and he winced a bit as the fingers previously entwined in his hair found their way free. Sano didn't seem to notice the movement as he had the last one, his soft breaths so deep they caused vibrations to tingle Kenshin's palm. Dark lashes stood out on his friend's cheeks, and Kenshin's gaze lifted to the man's tousled hair. It was still constricted by Sano's signature headband, one piece of clothing Kenshin had failed to remove the night before. That brought a twinge of regret, just a hint of longing that made his free hand lift to brush the red cloth. He could remove it still, but there really wasn't much point now. Instead, Kenshin did his best to slide off the man without rousing him. His right leg was pressed between Sano's knees, and he winced when the man let out a groan, one hand closing over his waist.
"Too early..." Sano mumbled, shifting the weight with little thought. A soft laugh made his brows draw tight, and he opened blurry eyes to scowl at the smiling face leaning over him. Dark hair framed Kenshin's elfin face, making the man's pale skin seem to glow in the dim light.
"It is not so early as that," Kenshin said softly, his eyes sparkling at Sano's sleepy expression. He hadn't expected the man to react so casually, but it was nice to know Sano hadn't forgotten during his slumber. Kenshin still wasn't sure exactly how much alcohol his friend had drank before seeking him out. It wasn't enough to cloud those vibrant brown eyes. They blinked slowly at him, awareness clearing some of the weariness as Sano stared at him. And Kenshin's smile widened slowly, his fingers flicking the dark hair over his friend's forehead. "I have to go now, or they'll worry. The sun will rise soon."
The reminder brought a slap of reality to Sano's mind, and he sniffed, his hand easing off Kenshin's narrow waist. "I forgot about that, forgot all about that. Egh...what a mess..."
"A mess?" Kenshin asked, his tone light as he straightened and slid off the taller man to crouch beside him. "Do you regret what we did, Sano?"
It really was too early to be thinking about ramifications, but Sano sighed, rolling onto his side to stare up at his friend. "I don't regret anything. You're the one who's running off to get back before you're missed."
"I don't want anyone to worry," Kenshin explained, tilting his head as he ran fingers through his long hair. "And so long as you have no regrets, I will not consider this a mess." His gaze fell to where Sano had discarded their clothes, and Kenshin smiled a bit, raising an eyebrow at the wrinkles in his magenta and white clothing. "Although, I may have to explain to Kaoru-dono how I managed to get so rumpled overnight."
"No," Sano snorted, falling onto his back and folding his arms behind his head, "just tell her you were wrestling around at my house."
"Which is the truth," Kenshin smirked, his gaze moving back to Sano. The young man seemed completely unaware of how vulnerable a position he was in. It was either that, or Sano really wasn't the least bit embarrassed to be lying naked next to him. Kenshin didn't know which were the case, but his friend's ease was starting to affect him. His gaze shifted away from Sano's face for a moment before he shook his head and moved closer. "Sano, where did you learn to do what you did?"
"Eh?" Glittering violet eyes were hovering over him, and Sano blinked at them, a sudden warmth swamping his cheeks. That wasn't a question he'd expected Kenshin to ask him, not when the man was obviously getting ready to leave as if nothing had happened. "What does it matter?"
"It doesn't." Dark wary eyes looked up at him, and Kenshin reached out to tweak the youth's nose, an impish smile flashing over his face. "I have to go now, Sano. You will come for breakfast at the dojo, ne?" Sano's mouth fell open, but he didn't wait for him to get over his seeming paralysis.
Sano frowned, running a hand over his hair as he watched the slender man dress. Was that it? He didn't know what he'd expected come morning, but Kenshin's behavior was so upbeat he had no idea how he was supposed to react. No regrets. That was what the man had said. If he had any regret it was that he felt completely out of sorts. He wasn't even in control enough to enjoy the view Kenshin's curved back was giving him. Violet eyes glinted over a pale shoulder, and Sano amended that thought. He enjoyed the view plenty, he just didn't have the confidence to do anything about that. All the hesitation that had turned him away from the dojo the night before was curled in his gut now. His friend's quick smile reminded him that he hadn't been the one to decide things last night. If Kenshin hadn't followed him home from that aborted mission, nothing would have happened. But something had definitely happened. So why was Kenshin going back to the dojo as if it hadn't? "Kenshin..."
"Yes, Sano?"
The short redhead was tying his sash, the sword back in place at his side, and steady eyes moved over him. Sano couldn't seem to stop the nervous flush that heated his face. Kenshin's gaze was so direct, and there was no doubt the man didn't look at him as if nothing had happened. He would have noticed if those violet eyes had ever looked at him like that before. Discomfort twisted him, and Sano sat up, bending a leg and making Kenshin smile at him. "I thought you were shy," Sano muttered, frowning at his friend. The sweet Rurouni smiled at him. "Look, Kenshin, you're starting to worry me. Last night...I didn't think anything would happen. And when it did, well, I didn't think at all. But now I just..."
Kenshin's eyes narrowed at the torment scrawled on his friend's face, the curled fist near Sano's bent leg. He crossed the space between them silently and crouched, a light hand falling on the man's shoulder. A part of him wanted to say whatever it was that Sano needed to hear, but he didn't know what that was. Until his friend told him how *he'd* taken last night, Kenshin wouldn't say anything.
The look Kenshin gave was tender and thoughtful and sweetly concerned. Sano winced away from it. "Kenshin, you're acting like nothing happened. What? Didn't it mean anything to you? You're just going to go back to Jo-chan and-and-" Fingers pressed lightly over his lips, and Sano let out a sharp breath, his eyes dark.
"What did it mean to you?" Kenshin whispered, his gaze steady. "I have no regrets, as I told you. If you were to ask me, I would do it again."
"Really." The effeminate man nodded solemnly, and Sano moved. Catching Kenshin's shoulders, he pulled him into a tight embrace, nearly smothering the redhead's surprised sound. Hugging Kenshin was something he rarely did, but if the man was going to say things like that then he'd have to get used to being grabbed without warning. Just the thought of Kenshin accepting another invitation made him want to grin madly. Instead, he did his best not to squeeze the shorter man too hard. "You can bet I'll ask again." He eased his grip a bit and felt a wash of doubt when he saw Kenshin's face. The man's eyes were closed, those narrow brows drawn. "Kenshin?"
How Sano had found his weakness, Kenshin didn't know, but he wanted to burrow against the man. He needed to be going if he wanted to get back in time to start his chores. He knew there wasn't time to be sitting around. But those arms felt so good around him. He sighed, tilting his face to brush his forehead against Sano's bare chest. "I really do have to go now, Sano. If you keep holding me I'll never get my work done in time..."
"Ah," Sano sighed, letting him go. "Can't have Jo-chan mad at you." Kenshin blinked at him, and he frowned, folding his arms over his chest. "Don't you feel bad about messing around with me when she's waiting for you at the dojo? If she found out-"
"Kaoru-dono is too innocent to know what may happen between men," Kenshin said slowly, taking in Sano's uncertain expression. "She would not understand, de gozaru."
Sano stared, taken back by Kenshin's calm tone. "You don't feel guilty?"
"Should I?" Kenshin returned, tilting his head. "I have made no promises to Kaoru-dono that I have not kept."
"Oh."
Kenshin stood slowly, brushing some of the wrinkles from his white pants and straightening the magenta top. "You will come by the dojo, ne?" The dark-haired man nodded, and he smiled at him as he ran one last hand over his long tail of hair. "Good."
* * *
The sun sparked golden highlights along Kenshin's dark red hair, seeming to set the man's head on fire. Kaoru might have smiled at the thought if the Rurouni hadn't been so quiet for the last few hours. He'd done his chores with his usual spirited banter, accepting the girls' antics with adorable innocence. But the moment they left for the evening his expression had fallen considerably. Yahiko had noticed as well, the boy paying so little attention during their sparring that she'd hit him more times than even he deserved. Now she leaned against the doorway, not sure what to make of Kenshin's dark eyes. He was sitting with his feet on the grass, one hand resting lightly on the hilt of his sword, the other curling around a bit of his hair. She'd never seen him do that before, and it almost frightened her. He looked...restless.
"Kenshin?"
"Ah, Kaoru-dono..." Turning, Kenshin smiled a bit, his gaze moving over the girl's hesitant expression. "Do you need something?"
"No," Kaoru said, shaking her head. She moved to him and sank to the wood beside him, her hands folding together in her lap. "Kenshin, is...is something wrong...?" Wide violet eyes blinked at her, but she could swear there was still a darkness hiding behind the man's quick smile.
"There is nothing for you to worry about, de gozaru." Kenshin looked away, his eyes glinting as he watched the sun sink behind the gate. The fingers of his left hand tightened reflexively on a few red strands, his shoulders flexing inward. He didn't know what he was expected to do now. He'd planned to leave it all up to Sano, but the youth hadn't come as he'd said he would. Did that mean it *was* an isolated incident? If his friend had said so that morning, Kenshin would have accepted it. But their parting had promised so much more. His eyes narrowed as a twinge made his right hand curve around the hilt of his sword. Had he changed his mind? That was certainly his right, his choice, but the least he could have done was tell him so. A soft ruffle distracted him, and Kenshin closed his eyes, eliminating the scowl that threatened to take over his face. A tiny smile was the best he could manage to turn on the wide-eyed girl. "I think I will go for a walk," he said softly. "Do not wait up for me."
"Kenshin! Where are you going?" The red-haired man paused, one foot on the grass, and Kaoru made herself hold still. "Kenshin?"
"Daijoubu," Kenshin smiled, nodding back to her. "I just need to think about something. I will be back this evening, or perhaps in the morning. There is nothing to worry about."
"Demo..." Kaoru frowned, her eyes bright as she clenched her hands together. "Can I walk with you? I won't get in your way-"
"No." Wide blue eyes shimmered at him, but Kenshin shook his head firmly, his own eyes shining with fondness. "Kaoru-dono. I will come back, de gozaru. I promise. But now I need to do something that does not involve you."
Kaoru flinched, staring at the gentle man in hurt confusion. She couldn't remember his ever having said something so cruel to her. Blinking rapidly, she dropped her eyes. "Kenshin..."
The hurt echoed in her soft voice, and Kenshin sighed, his gaze falling to the ground. "You don't want me to go."
"I just want to know where you're going," Kaoru said, sniffing a bit as her nose threatened to run. "I don't want you to go anywhere without me. Why can't you tell me where you're going?" Silence answered her, and she looked up suddenly, her head snapping back. Dull violet eyes met her, and she heaved a sigh of relief. For a second she'd been terrified that she'd find him gone. "Kenshin."
"...Megumi-dono..." Kaoru gasped, quivering a bit as her eyes widened till they filled her face. Kenshin didn't react. "Megumi-dono has a collar you could use," he said softly, his solemn gaze boring into the girl. "If you want to tie me here. You can follow me, never allow me to leave the yard. You can treat me as a pet to be watched at all times. Or you can trust that I will keep my promise to you." The girl stared at him, her bright eyes shimmering in the dying light and he turned away sharply. His hands moved, wrapping around him as he sank where he'd stood, sitting with his head bowed. "I will not go if it will hurt you so much."
The man looked so small with his back curved over his folded legs, and Kaoru ran to crouch beside him, tears burning her eyes. "Kenshin, Kenshin, please don't be upset with me. I'm sorry, please, I just don't want to lose you. I don't want you to ever leave again. I can't-I can't take that. But please, please don't be angry with me!"
Guilt struck him in a painful blow, and Kenshin moved sharply, his arms curling over the weeping girl's back. "I am not angry with you," he said softly, staring at the shadowy gate beyond her. "I will not leave you. There is no need to be afraid, Kaoru-dono. I just did not know it would hurt so much. I...had no idea it could possibly hurt this much." His hands were cold on her back as the girl sniffled against his chest.
"No," Kaoru mumbled, rubbing her eyes on his faded shirt. "I'm not hurt, I was just scared you were mad at me for being so worried."
"I am not angry," Kenshin said again, his voice falling to a quiet whisper. "Are you all right now, Kaoru-dono?" She nodded against him, and he removed his arms. He knew that if he did not she would willingly stay cuddled against him, and he felt far too cold to comfort her right now. "It will get cool," he said, standing slowly and straightening his clothes. "You should go inside now, de gozaru."
"Are you going in?" Kaoru asked, her eyes flashing as her breath caught in her throat.
"I will be in my room."
He moved away from her, and she followed after, shadowing him into the dojo. "Do you want some tea, Kenshin? I'll make it."
"No thank you," Kenshin said, not looking back. "Good night, Kaoru-dono."
Blinking in surprise, Kaoru paused as he continued toward the room she'd given him. "Kenshin...you're going to sleep this early?"
"I am very tired." Kenshin moved quietly down the hall, nodding when he saw Yahiko sitting near the cleared dining spot. The boy blinked at him, and Kenshin sighed when he found himself with yet another shadow. At least this one he doubted would need so much attention. He didn't speak when the boy followed him into his room.
Kenshin slid the door shut, and Yahiko jumped a little, suddenly wary to be closed in with the silent man. He'd tailed him only because of the odd scene he'd witnessed outside. Now he wondered if he shouldn't have kept his nose out of this one. The red-haired man didn't even acknowledge him, sitting with his back to one wall, knees drawn close to his chest. Taking a deep breath, Yahiko approached him. "Ano...Kenshin? You want to talk about it?" The slender man had his elbows folded over his knees, chin resting on one wrist, and he flicked dark eyes to him before looking down again.
The boy had worry written all over his wide eyes and young face, worry for him. Kenshin sighed, ducking his head and sighing against his chest. "I do not want to talk," he said quietly, closing his eyes. "Thank you for your concern, Yahiko, but I would like to be alone."
"Here?" Yahiko shivered a bit, his eyes moving around the bare room as he wrapped his arms around himself. Kenshin regularly left to be on his own, probably wanting some quiet time away from them. But he'd never heard of the man seeking solitude in this quiet little room. It was too strange. "Why don't you take a walk or something," Yahiko frowned. A muffled laugh reached him, and he felt goosebumps break out over his arms. The sound was so weird, oddly unnerving, and it seemed to continue until Kenshin's shoulders were shaking visibly. Yahiko stared for a second before turning sharply. He left the room as quickly as he could without running, that soft laughter echoing in his mind.
* * *
Yahiko was panting by the time he reached the right house. He'd sprinted all the way to Sanosuke's home only to find the man missing. After that, he'd spent nearly an hour making rounds of all the men Sano was friends with, at least all the ones Yahiko had met. He was about ready to give up when he remembered one person he hadn't checked with. He'd been to the man's house only once, but he wasn't about to forget that instance. Saitoh had followed him there, the day after Kenshin left for Kyoto. Katsu's home was on the outskirts of town, and Yahiko was ready to collapse when he finally reached it. The moment the black-haired man opened the door, he did just that, falling into Katsu's startled arms.
The boy clutched his arms, gasping deep breaths, and Katsu stared at him with no idea what to do. "Wha-what...?"
"Yahiko?!" Shoving off the mat, Sano moved to tower over the boy, his eyes sweeping Yahiko's length. He didn't seem to be hurt. "What happened?"
"Why do you have to be all the way out here?" Yahiko growled, still panting as he glared at the tall man. "The one time I need to find you and you're out here! You never come out here!"
Katsu snorted when the boy let go of his arm, and he turned droll eyes on Sanosuke. "Well, he's right about that." His friend winced a bit, but he turned away, resuming his seat opposite the dice. Cup in hand once more, he waited to see the scene unfold.
Narrow eyes glared at him, and Sano frowned back at the boy, folding his arms over his chest. "Are you going to tell me what's wrong? And why are you breathing like that? What did you do - run all the way here?"
"I've been all over the place," Yahiko exclaimed, his anger evaporating into exhaustion. "I checked everywhere looking for you."
"Why?" Sano's voice dropped, and he leaned down a bit, actually looking at the boy's troubled eyes. "What's happened?"
"I don't know, but I think Kenshin's lost it or something." Sano jerked back, and Yahiko let out a shaky breath, crushing a hand over his forehead. "I don't know what's wrong. He was weird all day, and then him and Kaoru got in an argument and she was crying. I think Kenshin fell down, and then they were hugging and I figured everything was fine, but when they came back in Kenshin was all weird again. I asked him if he wanted to talk about it but he didn't and then he went in his room and folded up against the wall and laughed - it was the creepiest thing I've ever heard! He didn't look at me, but he was laughing for no reason and I think he's lost it!"
The boy's eyes were very wide, his voice coming in a heated rush, and Sano let out a sharp breath, the tension draining out of him. "Yahiko, calm down."
"But you didn't hear it," Yahiko cried, his hands curling into claws at his sides. "He was laughing like-like-it was just so-"
Katsu snorted, raising his cup at the boy. "Like he was crazy?" Yahiko looked at him and nodded adamantly. He grinned in response, catching Sano's dark eyes. "Sounds like he finally got up the nerve to propose. That'd make any man a little crazy. The infamous Battousai's finally ready to settle down." Sano's cold brown gaze struck him, and Katsu drained his cup, refilling it without breaking eye contact. "At least you won't have to worry about things being weird now."
"Yeah," Sano said softly, his voice void and low. Yahiko turned confused eyes on him, and he brushed a hand over the boy's hair. "Don't worry about it. I'm sure you'll get used to the changes eventually."
"What are you talking about?" Yahiko demanded, shaking his head at the tall man. "That wasn't happy laughter! It was almost like he was...like..." Sanosuke moved across the room, catching his coat and slinging it on in a fluid motion. There wasn't the tiniest bit of worry in the man's dull eyes, and Yahiko let out a frustrated cry, nearly stamping his foot on the floor. "Aren't you worried at all?!"
"Why would I be?" Sano shrugged. "Kenshin can take care of himself, he always does. Don't worry so much."
"You're not even listening," Yahiko said, his hands fisting close to his legs. His eyes glared heatedly, and he clenched his teeth. "I thought you would help. I should have known better. Well, you may not believe me, but there's something really wrong with Kenshin and I'm not going back there!" That managed to catch Sano's attention, and Yahiko nodded sharply, glaring daggers at him. "I'm serious. I'm not just imagining things. If you don't believe me, just go see for yourself. I've never heard anyone laugh like that..."
The boy's wide eyes made something creep over the back of Sano's neck, but he ignored it pointedly, his voice tired. "Think who you're talking about," he said. "Even if Kenshin did...lose it, he wouldn't hurt anyone. Besides, do you really think Jo-chan would let him hide in his room if something were wrong?"
"No," Yahiko admitted, his face still drawn in a stubborn frown, "but she didn't hear him like I did. Will you just check on him? You're supposed to be friends, isn't that what friends do?" His words obviously struck a mark, but not hard enough. Sano sighed and opened the door, making Yahiko hop after him and nearly bump into the tall man's back.
"Just go home," Sano said, glancing over his shoulder at the boy. "I'll try to stop by tomorrow. It's too late to go bothering them now."
Yahiko shifted in the doorway, that cold chill creeping over him again. "But-"
Interrupting the boy, Katsu called out from his place on the floor, his voice carefully filtered to sound merely curious. "Are you leaving?" His tall friend didn't look back, but he saw him nod. Standing, he joined Yahiko in the doorway, something about the scene making him want to look around for an enemy who might have trailed the boy. It was far too familiar. And he knew the chances of Sano's leaving on another journey weren't too slim at the moment, especially if he were right about Kenshin and that girl of his.
Sano's friend sighed near him, and Yahiko shivered at Katsu's dark expression, his own worry doubling. "Sano, are you going back to your place?"
"Later," Sano said, waving a hand without looking back. "I think I'll take a walk. I want to be alone."
Katsu sighed again, running a hand through his straight dark hair as he looked down at the boy still standing near his door. "Want me to walk you home, kid? I don't have anything else to do." Yahiko didn't answer, and he blinked at the boy's wide eyes, his brows drawing in a frown. "Oi, you okay?"
"That's what Kenshin said," Yahiko whispered, staring into the darkness beyond the lit house. "That's just what he said, only Kenshin didn't want a walk. I'm...I'm so glad Sano didn't laugh..."
"You're creeped out all right," Katsu sniffed, laying a light hand on the boy's shoulder. "Come on in and I'll keep you company. You don't look like you'd get much sleep tonight, anyway." Yahiko turned to look up at him in evident surprise, and Katsu smirked, flicking his thumb in the direction Sano had taken. "If I'm bored enough to listen to that baka's problems, I'm not above hanging out with a kid. Besides, I was your age once. Adults are really messed up in the head." The boy blinked, a hesitant smile breaking over his face, and Katsu drew him back into the lit house, closing the door behind them.
* * *
TBC (??)
--notes--
I'm not actually sure if I'm going to continue this. It's different from what I thought I was going to write when I started, so I don't know.
Category: Anime, Rurouni Kenshin, Yaoi, TWT
Warnings: vague limish content, minor angst, shonen ai, possible sap
Pairings: SanosukexKenshin, Kaoru+Kenshin
Author: Arigatomina
Email: arigatoumina@hotmail.com
Website/Complete Archive: http://www.geocities.com/arigatomina
Japanese=English: ano=um/well, demo=but, baka=idiot, dono=miss, daijoubu=it's okay/alright, de gozaru=old fashioned polite add-on ('that it is' in English dubbed version)
To Be Alone
Nervousness and foreboding kept Kenshin awake many nights, but this was different. For the first time, he was surrounded by a peace so comfortable he willingly clutched awareness. He didn't want to miss any of it, not even a moment. Strong arms curved over his back, weight pressing the silk of his hair against his skin, and the warmth beneath his cheek lulled him as nothing had in years. It had been so long since he'd felt the comfort of an embrace that he clung to it selfishly. No matter how much Kaoru cared for him, the girl didn't have the strength to hold him like this, to wipe away everything, if only for a little while. The vitality surrounding him was an emotional well and he drew from it, bathed in it as the darkness met its end. Deep breaths lifted him gently in lapping waves that nearly melted his heart. The comfort and safety he'd known once before, ten years past in the arms of his wife, but the purity was like none other. Even in sleep, the iron strength was ever so careful not to harm him, the smooth neck vulnerable and bare to his resting head. There were no hidden motives there, no secret agenda beating in the heart beneath him. If there were a way, he might have remained in those arms for eternity, just being held, sheltered, comforted. The past could disappear in those arms.
Hours passed before Kenshin pulled himself out of that pleasurable stasis, his violet eyes opening to the shadows. It would be daylight before too long, and now was the time to face reality. What he'd done last night was something he had thought of numerous times, a variety of imaginings spawned by the youth's bright mahogany gaze, the warm smile that drew him in over and over again. He'd even been accused of having done so already, by a man who knew him better than any of them. But he felt no guilt at having accepted Sanosuke's adamant invitation. Although young, the man had fought beside him too often to be treated as a child. Sano had come to him, and he felt no remorse. All that remained was the path this night could lead them on. Kenshin had no intention of pushing his needs onto his friend. He was accustomed to being turned and swayed by the others, and this would be no different. If last night was a single occurrence, then that was simply the way it was. It depended not on him, but on the strong soul sleeping so peacefully beneath him.
Stealth was one of Kenshin's attributes, but it seemed even asleep, Sanosuke noticed small details. He'd no more than lifted his head before those arms tightened around him, pressing his body close to the young man. Kenshin's breath caught in his throat, and he held it, ducking his face back into the curve of Sano's neck. The embrace was so tight he felt the beginnings of discomfort, but he welcomed that as well and relished in the strength. The hold loosened as Sano let out a mumbled sound, and Kenshin released his breath with a soft sigh. As much as he wanted to prolong the encounter, his sense of responsibility was too strong to ignore. Kaoru and Yahiko would worry if he weren't there when they woke. A small smile curved Kenshin's lips, and he brushed his cheek over Sano's neck, pushing himself up again. The two wouldn't just be worried, they'd be furious if they woke to find no breakfast waiting for them. He knew that without a doubt. And he didn't want the floating warmth he felt to be ruined by a deserved rant.
Pressing an arm across Sano's chest, Kenshin pushed himself up enough to look at the sleeping man. Heavy arms slid down from his shoulders to pool on the small of his back, and he winced a bit as the fingers previously entwined in his hair found their way free. Sano didn't seem to notice the movement as he had the last one, his soft breaths so deep they caused vibrations to tingle Kenshin's palm. Dark lashes stood out on his friend's cheeks, and Kenshin's gaze lifted to the man's tousled hair. It was still constricted by Sano's signature headband, one piece of clothing Kenshin had failed to remove the night before. That brought a twinge of regret, just a hint of longing that made his free hand lift to brush the red cloth. He could remove it still, but there really wasn't much point now. Instead, Kenshin did his best to slide off the man without rousing him. His right leg was pressed between Sano's knees, and he winced when the man let out a groan, one hand closing over his waist.
"Too early..." Sano mumbled, shifting the weight with little thought. A soft laugh made his brows draw tight, and he opened blurry eyes to scowl at the smiling face leaning over him. Dark hair framed Kenshin's elfin face, making the man's pale skin seem to glow in the dim light.
"It is not so early as that," Kenshin said softly, his eyes sparkling at Sano's sleepy expression. He hadn't expected the man to react so casually, but it was nice to know Sano hadn't forgotten during his slumber. Kenshin still wasn't sure exactly how much alcohol his friend had drank before seeking him out. It wasn't enough to cloud those vibrant brown eyes. They blinked slowly at him, awareness clearing some of the weariness as Sano stared at him. And Kenshin's smile widened slowly, his fingers flicking the dark hair over his friend's forehead. "I have to go now, or they'll worry. The sun will rise soon."
The reminder brought a slap of reality to Sano's mind, and he sniffed, his hand easing off Kenshin's narrow waist. "I forgot about that, forgot all about that. Egh...what a mess..."
"A mess?" Kenshin asked, his tone light as he straightened and slid off the taller man to crouch beside him. "Do you regret what we did, Sano?"
It really was too early to be thinking about ramifications, but Sano sighed, rolling onto his side to stare up at his friend. "I don't regret anything. You're the one who's running off to get back before you're missed."
"I don't want anyone to worry," Kenshin explained, tilting his head as he ran fingers through his long hair. "And so long as you have no regrets, I will not consider this a mess." His gaze fell to where Sano had discarded their clothes, and Kenshin smiled a bit, raising an eyebrow at the wrinkles in his magenta and white clothing. "Although, I may have to explain to Kaoru-dono how I managed to get so rumpled overnight."
"No," Sano snorted, falling onto his back and folding his arms behind his head, "just tell her you were wrestling around at my house."
"Which is the truth," Kenshin smirked, his gaze moving back to Sano. The young man seemed completely unaware of how vulnerable a position he was in. It was either that, or Sano really wasn't the least bit embarrassed to be lying naked next to him. Kenshin didn't know which were the case, but his friend's ease was starting to affect him. His gaze shifted away from Sano's face for a moment before he shook his head and moved closer. "Sano, where did you learn to do what you did?"
"Eh?" Glittering violet eyes were hovering over him, and Sano blinked at them, a sudden warmth swamping his cheeks. That wasn't a question he'd expected Kenshin to ask him, not when the man was obviously getting ready to leave as if nothing had happened. "What does it matter?"
"It doesn't." Dark wary eyes looked up at him, and Kenshin reached out to tweak the youth's nose, an impish smile flashing over his face. "I have to go now, Sano. You will come for breakfast at the dojo, ne?" Sano's mouth fell open, but he didn't wait for him to get over his seeming paralysis.
Sano frowned, running a hand over his hair as he watched the slender man dress. Was that it? He didn't know what he'd expected come morning, but Kenshin's behavior was so upbeat he had no idea how he was supposed to react. No regrets. That was what the man had said. If he had any regret it was that he felt completely out of sorts. He wasn't even in control enough to enjoy the view Kenshin's curved back was giving him. Violet eyes glinted over a pale shoulder, and Sano amended that thought. He enjoyed the view plenty, he just didn't have the confidence to do anything about that. All the hesitation that had turned him away from the dojo the night before was curled in his gut now. His friend's quick smile reminded him that he hadn't been the one to decide things last night. If Kenshin hadn't followed him home from that aborted mission, nothing would have happened. But something had definitely happened. So why was Kenshin going back to the dojo as if it hadn't? "Kenshin..."
"Yes, Sano?"
The short redhead was tying his sash, the sword back in place at his side, and steady eyes moved over him. Sano couldn't seem to stop the nervous flush that heated his face. Kenshin's gaze was so direct, and there was no doubt the man didn't look at him as if nothing had happened. He would have noticed if those violet eyes had ever looked at him like that before. Discomfort twisted him, and Sano sat up, bending a leg and making Kenshin smile at him. "I thought you were shy," Sano muttered, frowning at his friend. The sweet Rurouni smiled at him. "Look, Kenshin, you're starting to worry me. Last night...I didn't think anything would happen. And when it did, well, I didn't think at all. But now I just..."
Kenshin's eyes narrowed at the torment scrawled on his friend's face, the curled fist near Sano's bent leg. He crossed the space between them silently and crouched, a light hand falling on the man's shoulder. A part of him wanted to say whatever it was that Sano needed to hear, but he didn't know what that was. Until his friend told him how *he'd* taken last night, Kenshin wouldn't say anything.
The look Kenshin gave was tender and thoughtful and sweetly concerned. Sano winced away from it. "Kenshin, you're acting like nothing happened. What? Didn't it mean anything to you? You're just going to go back to Jo-chan and-and-" Fingers pressed lightly over his lips, and Sano let out a sharp breath, his eyes dark.
"What did it mean to you?" Kenshin whispered, his gaze steady. "I have no regrets, as I told you. If you were to ask me, I would do it again."
"Really." The effeminate man nodded solemnly, and Sano moved. Catching Kenshin's shoulders, he pulled him into a tight embrace, nearly smothering the redhead's surprised sound. Hugging Kenshin was something he rarely did, but if the man was going to say things like that then he'd have to get used to being grabbed without warning. Just the thought of Kenshin accepting another invitation made him want to grin madly. Instead, he did his best not to squeeze the shorter man too hard. "You can bet I'll ask again." He eased his grip a bit and felt a wash of doubt when he saw Kenshin's face. The man's eyes were closed, those narrow brows drawn. "Kenshin?"
How Sano had found his weakness, Kenshin didn't know, but he wanted to burrow against the man. He needed to be going if he wanted to get back in time to start his chores. He knew there wasn't time to be sitting around. But those arms felt so good around him. He sighed, tilting his face to brush his forehead against Sano's bare chest. "I really do have to go now, Sano. If you keep holding me I'll never get my work done in time..."
"Ah," Sano sighed, letting him go. "Can't have Jo-chan mad at you." Kenshin blinked at him, and he frowned, folding his arms over his chest. "Don't you feel bad about messing around with me when she's waiting for you at the dojo? If she found out-"
"Kaoru-dono is too innocent to know what may happen between men," Kenshin said slowly, taking in Sano's uncertain expression. "She would not understand, de gozaru."
Sano stared, taken back by Kenshin's calm tone. "You don't feel guilty?"
"Should I?" Kenshin returned, tilting his head. "I have made no promises to Kaoru-dono that I have not kept."
"Oh."
Kenshin stood slowly, brushing some of the wrinkles from his white pants and straightening the magenta top. "You will come by the dojo, ne?" The dark-haired man nodded, and he smiled at him as he ran one last hand over his long tail of hair. "Good."
* * *
The sun sparked golden highlights along Kenshin's dark red hair, seeming to set the man's head on fire. Kaoru might have smiled at the thought if the Rurouni hadn't been so quiet for the last few hours. He'd done his chores with his usual spirited banter, accepting the girls' antics with adorable innocence. But the moment they left for the evening his expression had fallen considerably. Yahiko had noticed as well, the boy paying so little attention during their sparring that she'd hit him more times than even he deserved. Now she leaned against the doorway, not sure what to make of Kenshin's dark eyes. He was sitting with his feet on the grass, one hand resting lightly on the hilt of his sword, the other curling around a bit of his hair. She'd never seen him do that before, and it almost frightened her. He looked...restless.
"Kenshin?"
"Ah, Kaoru-dono..." Turning, Kenshin smiled a bit, his gaze moving over the girl's hesitant expression. "Do you need something?"
"No," Kaoru said, shaking her head. She moved to him and sank to the wood beside him, her hands folding together in her lap. "Kenshin, is...is something wrong...?" Wide violet eyes blinked at her, but she could swear there was still a darkness hiding behind the man's quick smile.
"There is nothing for you to worry about, de gozaru." Kenshin looked away, his eyes glinting as he watched the sun sink behind the gate. The fingers of his left hand tightened reflexively on a few red strands, his shoulders flexing inward. He didn't know what he was expected to do now. He'd planned to leave it all up to Sano, but the youth hadn't come as he'd said he would. Did that mean it *was* an isolated incident? If his friend had said so that morning, Kenshin would have accepted it. But their parting had promised so much more. His eyes narrowed as a twinge made his right hand curve around the hilt of his sword. Had he changed his mind? That was certainly his right, his choice, but the least he could have done was tell him so. A soft ruffle distracted him, and Kenshin closed his eyes, eliminating the scowl that threatened to take over his face. A tiny smile was the best he could manage to turn on the wide-eyed girl. "I think I will go for a walk," he said softly. "Do not wait up for me."
"Kenshin! Where are you going?" The red-haired man paused, one foot on the grass, and Kaoru made herself hold still. "Kenshin?"
"Daijoubu," Kenshin smiled, nodding back to her. "I just need to think about something. I will be back this evening, or perhaps in the morning. There is nothing to worry about."
"Demo..." Kaoru frowned, her eyes bright as she clenched her hands together. "Can I walk with you? I won't get in your way-"
"No." Wide blue eyes shimmered at him, but Kenshin shook his head firmly, his own eyes shining with fondness. "Kaoru-dono. I will come back, de gozaru. I promise. But now I need to do something that does not involve you."
Kaoru flinched, staring at the gentle man in hurt confusion. She couldn't remember his ever having said something so cruel to her. Blinking rapidly, she dropped her eyes. "Kenshin..."
The hurt echoed in her soft voice, and Kenshin sighed, his gaze falling to the ground. "You don't want me to go."
"I just want to know where you're going," Kaoru said, sniffing a bit as her nose threatened to run. "I don't want you to go anywhere without me. Why can't you tell me where you're going?" Silence answered her, and she looked up suddenly, her head snapping back. Dull violet eyes met her, and she heaved a sigh of relief. For a second she'd been terrified that she'd find him gone. "Kenshin."
"...Megumi-dono..." Kaoru gasped, quivering a bit as her eyes widened till they filled her face. Kenshin didn't react. "Megumi-dono has a collar you could use," he said softly, his solemn gaze boring into the girl. "If you want to tie me here. You can follow me, never allow me to leave the yard. You can treat me as a pet to be watched at all times. Or you can trust that I will keep my promise to you." The girl stared at him, her bright eyes shimmering in the dying light and he turned away sharply. His hands moved, wrapping around him as he sank where he'd stood, sitting with his head bowed. "I will not go if it will hurt you so much."
The man looked so small with his back curved over his folded legs, and Kaoru ran to crouch beside him, tears burning her eyes. "Kenshin, Kenshin, please don't be upset with me. I'm sorry, please, I just don't want to lose you. I don't want you to ever leave again. I can't-I can't take that. But please, please don't be angry with me!"
Guilt struck him in a painful blow, and Kenshin moved sharply, his arms curling over the weeping girl's back. "I am not angry with you," he said softly, staring at the shadowy gate beyond her. "I will not leave you. There is no need to be afraid, Kaoru-dono. I just did not know it would hurt so much. I...had no idea it could possibly hurt this much." His hands were cold on her back as the girl sniffled against his chest.
"No," Kaoru mumbled, rubbing her eyes on his faded shirt. "I'm not hurt, I was just scared you were mad at me for being so worried."
"I am not angry," Kenshin said again, his voice falling to a quiet whisper. "Are you all right now, Kaoru-dono?" She nodded against him, and he removed his arms. He knew that if he did not she would willingly stay cuddled against him, and he felt far too cold to comfort her right now. "It will get cool," he said, standing slowly and straightening his clothes. "You should go inside now, de gozaru."
"Are you going in?" Kaoru asked, her eyes flashing as her breath caught in her throat.
"I will be in my room."
He moved away from her, and she followed after, shadowing him into the dojo. "Do you want some tea, Kenshin? I'll make it."
"No thank you," Kenshin said, not looking back. "Good night, Kaoru-dono."
Blinking in surprise, Kaoru paused as he continued toward the room she'd given him. "Kenshin...you're going to sleep this early?"
"I am very tired." Kenshin moved quietly down the hall, nodding when he saw Yahiko sitting near the cleared dining spot. The boy blinked at him, and Kenshin sighed when he found himself with yet another shadow. At least this one he doubted would need so much attention. He didn't speak when the boy followed him into his room.
Kenshin slid the door shut, and Yahiko jumped a little, suddenly wary to be closed in with the silent man. He'd tailed him only because of the odd scene he'd witnessed outside. Now he wondered if he shouldn't have kept his nose out of this one. The red-haired man didn't even acknowledge him, sitting with his back to one wall, knees drawn close to his chest. Taking a deep breath, Yahiko approached him. "Ano...Kenshin? You want to talk about it?" The slender man had his elbows folded over his knees, chin resting on one wrist, and he flicked dark eyes to him before looking down again.
The boy had worry written all over his wide eyes and young face, worry for him. Kenshin sighed, ducking his head and sighing against his chest. "I do not want to talk," he said quietly, closing his eyes. "Thank you for your concern, Yahiko, but I would like to be alone."
"Here?" Yahiko shivered a bit, his eyes moving around the bare room as he wrapped his arms around himself. Kenshin regularly left to be on his own, probably wanting some quiet time away from them. But he'd never heard of the man seeking solitude in this quiet little room. It was too strange. "Why don't you take a walk or something," Yahiko frowned. A muffled laugh reached him, and he felt goosebumps break out over his arms. The sound was so weird, oddly unnerving, and it seemed to continue until Kenshin's shoulders were shaking visibly. Yahiko stared for a second before turning sharply. He left the room as quickly as he could without running, that soft laughter echoing in his mind.
* * *
Yahiko was panting by the time he reached the right house. He'd sprinted all the way to Sanosuke's home only to find the man missing. After that, he'd spent nearly an hour making rounds of all the men Sano was friends with, at least all the ones Yahiko had met. He was about ready to give up when he remembered one person he hadn't checked with. He'd been to the man's house only once, but he wasn't about to forget that instance. Saitoh had followed him there, the day after Kenshin left for Kyoto. Katsu's home was on the outskirts of town, and Yahiko was ready to collapse when he finally reached it. The moment the black-haired man opened the door, he did just that, falling into Katsu's startled arms.
The boy clutched his arms, gasping deep breaths, and Katsu stared at him with no idea what to do. "Wha-what...?"
"Yahiko?!" Shoving off the mat, Sano moved to tower over the boy, his eyes sweeping Yahiko's length. He didn't seem to be hurt. "What happened?"
"Why do you have to be all the way out here?" Yahiko growled, still panting as he glared at the tall man. "The one time I need to find you and you're out here! You never come out here!"
Katsu snorted when the boy let go of his arm, and he turned droll eyes on Sanosuke. "Well, he's right about that." His friend winced a bit, but he turned away, resuming his seat opposite the dice. Cup in hand once more, he waited to see the scene unfold.
Narrow eyes glared at him, and Sano frowned back at the boy, folding his arms over his chest. "Are you going to tell me what's wrong? And why are you breathing like that? What did you do - run all the way here?"
"I've been all over the place," Yahiko exclaimed, his anger evaporating into exhaustion. "I checked everywhere looking for you."
"Why?" Sano's voice dropped, and he leaned down a bit, actually looking at the boy's troubled eyes. "What's happened?"
"I don't know, but I think Kenshin's lost it or something." Sano jerked back, and Yahiko let out a shaky breath, crushing a hand over his forehead. "I don't know what's wrong. He was weird all day, and then him and Kaoru got in an argument and she was crying. I think Kenshin fell down, and then they were hugging and I figured everything was fine, but when they came back in Kenshin was all weird again. I asked him if he wanted to talk about it but he didn't and then he went in his room and folded up against the wall and laughed - it was the creepiest thing I've ever heard! He didn't look at me, but he was laughing for no reason and I think he's lost it!"
The boy's eyes were very wide, his voice coming in a heated rush, and Sano let out a sharp breath, the tension draining out of him. "Yahiko, calm down."
"But you didn't hear it," Yahiko cried, his hands curling into claws at his sides. "He was laughing like-like-it was just so-"
Katsu snorted, raising his cup at the boy. "Like he was crazy?" Yahiko looked at him and nodded adamantly. He grinned in response, catching Sano's dark eyes. "Sounds like he finally got up the nerve to propose. That'd make any man a little crazy. The infamous Battousai's finally ready to settle down." Sano's cold brown gaze struck him, and Katsu drained his cup, refilling it without breaking eye contact. "At least you won't have to worry about things being weird now."
"Yeah," Sano said softly, his voice void and low. Yahiko turned confused eyes on him, and he brushed a hand over the boy's hair. "Don't worry about it. I'm sure you'll get used to the changes eventually."
"What are you talking about?" Yahiko demanded, shaking his head at the tall man. "That wasn't happy laughter! It was almost like he was...like..." Sanosuke moved across the room, catching his coat and slinging it on in a fluid motion. There wasn't the tiniest bit of worry in the man's dull eyes, and Yahiko let out a frustrated cry, nearly stamping his foot on the floor. "Aren't you worried at all?!"
"Why would I be?" Sano shrugged. "Kenshin can take care of himself, he always does. Don't worry so much."
"You're not even listening," Yahiko said, his hands fisting close to his legs. His eyes glared heatedly, and he clenched his teeth. "I thought you would help. I should have known better. Well, you may not believe me, but there's something really wrong with Kenshin and I'm not going back there!" That managed to catch Sano's attention, and Yahiko nodded sharply, glaring daggers at him. "I'm serious. I'm not just imagining things. If you don't believe me, just go see for yourself. I've never heard anyone laugh like that..."
The boy's wide eyes made something creep over the back of Sano's neck, but he ignored it pointedly, his voice tired. "Think who you're talking about," he said. "Even if Kenshin did...lose it, he wouldn't hurt anyone. Besides, do you really think Jo-chan would let him hide in his room if something were wrong?"
"No," Yahiko admitted, his face still drawn in a stubborn frown, "but she didn't hear him like I did. Will you just check on him? You're supposed to be friends, isn't that what friends do?" His words obviously struck a mark, but not hard enough. Sano sighed and opened the door, making Yahiko hop after him and nearly bump into the tall man's back.
"Just go home," Sano said, glancing over his shoulder at the boy. "I'll try to stop by tomorrow. It's too late to go bothering them now."
Yahiko shifted in the doorway, that cold chill creeping over him again. "But-"
Interrupting the boy, Katsu called out from his place on the floor, his voice carefully filtered to sound merely curious. "Are you leaving?" His tall friend didn't look back, but he saw him nod. Standing, he joined Yahiko in the doorway, something about the scene making him want to look around for an enemy who might have trailed the boy. It was far too familiar. And he knew the chances of Sano's leaving on another journey weren't too slim at the moment, especially if he were right about Kenshin and that girl of his.
Sano's friend sighed near him, and Yahiko shivered at Katsu's dark expression, his own worry doubling. "Sano, are you going back to your place?"
"Later," Sano said, waving a hand without looking back. "I think I'll take a walk. I want to be alone."
Katsu sighed again, running a hand through his straight dark hair as he looked down at the boy still standing near his door. "Want me to walk you home, kid? I don't have anything else to do." Yahiko didn't answer, and he blinked at the boy's wide eyes, his brows drawing in a frown. "Oi, you okay?"
"That's what Kenshin said," Yahiko whispered, staring into the darkness beyond the lit house. "That's just what he said, only Kenshin didn't want a walk. I'm...I'm so glad Sano didn't laugh..."
"You're creeped out all right," Katsu sniffed, laying a light hand on the boy's shoulder. "Come on in and I'll keep you company. You don't look like you'd get much sleep tonight, anyway." Yahiko turned to look up at him in evident surprise, and Katsu smirked, flicking his thumb in the direction Sano had taken. "If I'm bored enough to listen to that baka's problems, I'm not above hanging out with a kid. Besides, I was your age once. Adults are really messed up in the head." The boy blinked, a hesitant smile breaking over his face, and Katsu drew him back into the lit house, closing the door behind them.
* * *
TBC (??)
--notes--
I'm not actually sure if I'm going to continue this. It's different from what I thought I was going to write when I started, so I don't know.