Sailor Moon Fan Fiction / Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction ❯ [MSTing] 'Help Wanted' ❯ Chapter 2

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

MSTing of "Help Wanted", part 2 of 2:


(Door #7: the dog-bone raises and the doors separate.)
(Door #6: a Dutch double-door. You open the top and fall over the
bottom.)
(Door #5: Just to spite you, it's a window.)
(Door #4: It's a garage door. You have to open it manually.)
(Door #3: "The Complete Works of David Eddings"... flame works well.)
(Door #2: It's a wardrobe. You open the door... but no Narnia.)
(Door #1: a vault door; after it shuts again, it effectively keeps you
inside.)


Mike entered the theater, carrying Tom. Tom was placed in the third
seat from the right, as Mike sat next to him. Crow sat in the far
right seat.


>Um, we really should have added this to the first post, but Weebee's
>compulsive posting syndrome got away from him, and we honestly
>couldn't resist the cliffhanger.

Tom: CPS is a serious problem affecting many people in all walks of
life...
Mike: I posted over a hundred comments during a discussion of
'Breaking Bad'... I don't even OWN a TV! <starts sobbing>
Crow: I swore every tweet I sent to @KimCattrall would be my last... I
lost count around 2007... the year! <starts sobbing>
Mike: If you or someone you know suffers from CPS, please call someone
and ask them to do something about it. It can be anyone really.
Just make the call. You'll be glad you did.

>As a result, here's prologue 2.

Mike: Prologue 2: The Quickening of the Pace! Please?

>We're sorry for the inconveniance.

Crow: As long as there's no appendix at the end, you're golden.

>Prologue 2: Damned Cliffhangers.

Tom: <author> And, uh, that's kinda it, Weebee jumped the gun again...
stop it!
Mike: <Weebee> Whee!

>The Tendo living room fell silent for the second time in five
>minutes, as Nodoka Saotome's last statement reverberated through
>everyone's minds.

Crow: <Soun> I'm not entirely sure if I'm ready to rock, truth be
told.

>"What?" Ranma asked, deadpan, looking between his mother and the
>blond who was standing in the middle of the room.

Tom: <Nodoka> I said, meet your new step-mother.
Mike: <Ellen Degeneres> Well, Nodoka was my first...

>Much to his surprise, the man had said pretty much the same thing at
>the same time, though he had been a bit more articulate about it.

Crow: Now now, I know that Ellen wears a lot of pantsuits, but that's
a bit of a low blow...

>"I have people?" he mumbled, the only beings fitting that description
>having been the Youma in the Dark Kingdom and his fellow generals.

Mike: Indifference, Consensus, and Dismay.

>"Of course, Jadeite-sama," Nodoka said, before raising her head, as
>bowing for that long was beginning to give her a crick in her neck.

Crow: And you call yourself Japanese? Where's your stamina!?
Mike: <Jadeite> Hey, wait a second... no one else is bowing. I don't
have "people", I only have "person". What kind of shoddy network is
this?

>Looking past the tall man to her son, she winced as she noted the
>confused look on his face, and that wince only got worse when she
>remembered that her husband was sitting nearby, playing Shogi.

Tom: <Genma> Ehh, last week she was worshipping her end table.
Mike: <Nodoka> It's because I couldn't find my glasses and was looking
under it!
Tom: <Genma> Whatever, whacko wife.

>"Perhaps I should have thought before speaking," she muttered,
>nervously.

Crow: What tipped you off, the bemused silence?!
Tom: And... cliffhanger! Off to prologue 3!

>"Well, it definitely shows that you're Ranma's mother," Nabiki
>drawled, earning a sharp look from the Kimono clad woman.

Mike: And Nabiki closed her Hee-Haw door, summarily chastised.

>The auburn haired woman eventually sighed as she took in the
>questioning looks from all around, and stood. "Ranma, there is
>something I haven't told you yet," she began.

Tom: <Nabiki> Wait!
Crow: Then Nabiki proceeds into the kitchen, finds the box of popcorn
marked "For Times Like These", takes two minutes to pop it, and is
ready for what comes next.
Tom: <Nabiki> Continue.

>"If it turns out he's adopted, I'm charging you for the bet losses,"
>Nabiki chipped in, before getting a death glare from the Saotome
>matriarch that abruptly reminded her why she never included the older
>woman in her schemes.

Mike: She also couldn't hold a secret if it was Crazy-Glued to her
hand.
Tom: <Nabiki> And I had the Boesky, the Jim Brown, two Jethros and
the Leon Spinks set up... but now I lost my Ella Fitzgerald.

>"Ranma is not adopted," she snapped. Meanwhile, Kasumi had entered
>the room with a tray full of tea, setting it on the dining table and
>taking a seat to listen interestedly to the latest bit of insanity.

Tom: <Kasumi> I brought enough tea for everyone, just grab a straw
and suck it off the tray!
Crow: <Nabiki> No cups?
Tom: <Kasumi> And miss this?!

>"Okay," Ranma said, "So what haven't ya told me, and who's this guy
>you're calling 'Jadeite-Sama?'"

Crow: <man> Bob Jadeite, Master Contractor. I repair dojos for a
living.
Mike: <Soun> He's everything we've ever wanted. Nabiki, you're
engaged.

>The man in question was rather curious as well, taking a seat next to
>Kasumi and grabbing one of the cups of tea.

Tom: <Jadeite, whispering> I don't know how this will turn out either!

>After all, he hadn't really gotten a chance to eat anything since
>right after he'd challenged the Senshi to their final fight, and
>almost dieing was thirsty work.

Crow: Jadeite likes to chug a gallon or so for every continue screen.
Mike: Final Fight? Don't you mean 'Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon'?

>Nodoka looked uncomfortable. "Perhaps I should show you," she said,
>before closing her eyes and starting to glow with a sort of dark
>aura.

Mike: Her magic skill is reprogramming all of the VCR clocks in your
house... unfortunately, there's no VCRs left.
Tom: <Nodoka> SOMEWHAT LIMITED... POWERRRRRR!!!!

>As she did so, her body rippled, growing about half a foot, her legs
>seemed to rearrange in a fashion that Kasumi thought should have made
>several loud cracks, but didn't,

Tom: <Kasumi> But you've grown half a foot, look... it's sticking out
of your shin.

>and her Kimono seemed to truncate itself, revealing more of her legs
>and chest as soft, white hair grew in all over her body, even her
>auburn hair changing to a darker colour and growing somewhat over her
>forehead.

Crow: Teen Wolf 3! This time, it's not a teen!
Tom: <Nabiki> Picture taken, sending tweet now...

>By the time the transformation was complete, the woman's face was
>even completely different, the nose jutting forward in a narrow
>muzzle with sharp teeth peaking out of it, and her eyes having
>narrowed slightly.

Crow: The Dojo of Doctor Moreau.
Mike: She's probably Team Jacob.
Tom: <singing> There's a poss-i-bil-i-tyyyyyy

>"Um," Ranma said, succinctly, unsure of how to respond to his mother
>turning into something from a Lon Chaney movie, complete with a long,
>furry tail whipping behind her.

Tom: <Nodoka> Just shooing flies.
Mike: <Ranma> Oh god, my mom's into fun fur. Just kill me now...
Tom: <Nodoka> What the... you're looking at me like I have three
heads. I just wanted to show you my Comic-Con cosplay!

>Genma, on the other hand, was a lot less conflicted.
>
>The rather overweight man immediately bolted up, scowling
>ferociously.

Crow: <Genma> One! One situp, and there's no damn way I'm getting
to two.

>"Demon, what have you done with my wife?" He demanded, angrily.

Mike: He's wondering if he can get the replacement wife through March
Madness and have a timeshare every October following.

>Nodoka sighed, slapping her forehead with one of her paw-like hands.
>"Husband," she groaned, her muzzle somehow not distorting her speech.
>"I thought I told you about this."

Mike: <Nodoka> Don't you remember when I told you when Ranma was
born, "No midwife... just get me to the veterinarian?"
Tom: <Nurse Janice> So what did you say to your patient when you
found out that she had a man for a husband?
Crow: <Doctor Bob> I told her what any dog would tell her... "woof!"

>Genma blinked, and then looked kind of sheepish. "I... thought I was
>just too drunk," he admitted, slouching down to his seat by the Shogi
>board.

Crow: <Genma> What year is it? How old is Ranma again?

>"You knew about this?" Ranma asked, looking at his father, trying to
>be surprised but failing spectacularly.

Mike: Know? Genma's already knitted a sweater from the fur she's
shed over the years.
Crow: <Genma> Nothing like the fur of my significant other to
keep me warm on those cold lonely nights...

>"Well, you kind of have to when your wife absorbs your life force
>when you're..." Genma snapped his mouth shut, and Ranma was rather
>thankful that he didn't finish his sentence.

Mike: Hokay, what rating do we have on this implied bestiality fanfic?
Tom: F for Furries?

>"So, you're a Youma," Jadeite said, slightly surprised himself. "One
>of the infiltrators I set out against the Senshi?"

Tom: <Nodoka> Yep, another five pounds or so, and I'll finally be
able to fit into a fuku and infiltrate the senshi, no problem!
Crow: <Jadeite> You are SO fired.

>Nodoka nodded. "Kado," she said, "Of the first infiltration team."
>
>"So, Saotome, looks like Kuno could be right about something," Nabiki
>observed. "Guess you're a demon spawn."

Tom: <Nabiki> It is I, Sailor Sarcasm! And I will punish you!
Mike: Consider us already well-chastised.

>Ranma twitched, while Jadeite nodded. "Technically, Youma aren't
>demons," he corrected.

Mike: <Ranma> Yeah yeah, learned that on "Bill Nye the Science Guy" a
couple years back, just roll with my poutrage, eh?

>"Y'know, that doesn't help much," Ranma grumbled, getting a flinch
>from the wolf creature that was apparently his mother.

Crow: <Nabiki> Hey, lay off her, Mowgli.
Mike: And at this point, I call an emergency moratorium on all jokes
that include the word "Genma" and the word "doggy-style".
Tom: Seconded.

>"Sorry, Mom," he muttered. "Could ya turn back, that's kinda creepy."

Crow: <Nodoka> Happen to have the blood of a virgin? It's kind of
necessary...
Tom: <Ranma, sighing> Lemme get some cold water...

>"There's Saotome, as tactful as ever," Nabiki commented, though
>Nodoka didn't seem to notice this,

Tom: Hey Nabiki? If you're going to keep riffing on everything, you
might as well join us in the theater.
Crow: Punch up the dialogue though, your possible future mother-in-law
may have heartworms.

>shifting back to her human form, and her clothes somehow reforming to
>protect her modesty.

Crow: Way to explain it, authors.
Tom: I think the whole "modesty" thing went out the window when she
was jumping all over Jadeite for some "Beggin' Strips".

>"Perhaps I should have told him when we first met," she pondered,
>quietly.
>
>"Coulda helped," Ranma agreed, but then shrugged. "But things were
>kinda hectic back then, so it coulda made me go nuts or something."

Tom: <Ranma> Hey Mom, do you have your kennel papers? I'd love
to know what colour my coat will turn when I get to be mid-age,
around six years or so from now.
Mike: <chuckling> Okay Tom, enough of the dog jokes...
Tom: But Mike, this is the gift that keeps on giving!
Crow: I'd say, it's really fetching my attention.
Mike: Don't neither one of you say another word, I'm not starting on
the puns again...
Tom: Oh, get rover it.

>Kasumi nodded. "You both did seem rather tense," she contributed.
>
>"Well," Genma noted, turning back to his game of Shogi, and looking
>over to Jadeite for a moment. "You're my wife's old boss, very nice
>to meet you."

Tom: Genma's salivating over the back pay Jadeite owes Nodoka.
Mike: Too bad it's all in squeaky toys.

>Soun Tendo, who had been trying to ignore this whole scene, grunted
>and nodded.

Tom: Poor Soun, doesn't get any lines. Couldn't you at least find him
a place in the stage crew, or associate producer, or underwear valet
for Happosai?

>The blond man in question blinked, looking over to Kasumi, who still
>sat next to him drinking tea. "They seem to be taking this well," he
>observed.

Crow: <Kasumi> Yeah, sometimes our setups take forever. This is only
the second prologue, there's probably a few more unicorns out there
in the garden...
Mike: <Jadeite> Figuratively... or literally?

>"It's been a rather peaceful day," Kasumi said.
>
>Jadeite's eyebrow twitched.

Tom: <Kasumi> Please won't you be our neighbour?
Crow: <muttering> ...land of make-believe...

>HR.

Mike: We need some unpaid interns, stat!

>Forty minutes later, Jadeite was longing for a stiff drink of
>Venusian brandy, as he sat across from what was probably his last
>active servant on Earth and was given a status report that was hard
>for even him to believe.

Crow: <Jadeite> So that's how he got the third fiancee?
Tom: <Nodoka> That's nothing, let me tell you about the principal's
daughter...

>The first part was reasonably easy to swallow, that 'Nodoka,' as she
>now called herself, had gone into hiding when he'd fallen, waiting
>for a chance to eliminate the Senshi.

Mike: Okay, 'fic, are you absolutely sure she turns into a wolf... or
is it really a coyote?
Tom: <Sailor Mars> Meep meep!

>When the Dark Kingdom's forces fell, apparently helped along by the
>joining of two new Senshi and the recovery of the Silver Crystal,
>she'd revised her plans a little, married a strong human who could
>provide the life energy she needed to survive without being harmed by
>it, and decided to live out the rest of her spectacularly long life.

Crow: So, not a coyote... maybe she's really a tapeworm?

>It had been what any of the other reconnaissance division Youma, some
>of the weakest, yet most adaptable, that Beryl had, would do in her
>situation. The problem was that things had rapidly changed after
>that, going in directions he hadn't expected.

Tom: Especially when Nedry shut off all the power that evening and
never came back.
Mike: The few investors that weren't eaten alive were quick to pull
their funding.

>He hadn't expected her to go through the massive energy expenditure
>of creating a child, even if the mixture with the human life force
>and genetic material had made it easier, and that child's life, not
>to mention strength, was nothing short of amazing.

Crow: <Jadeite> Most people just get me a potted plant for my
office... what the hell am I going to do with a teenager?
Tom: Embrace the inevitable sitcom?

>According to what he'd seen, and what Nodoka knew, the boy was as
>strong as one of the Seven Shadows, and much, much smarter. The blond
>grinned evilly. He didn't have much of a power base, with one active
>subject and another whom he wasn't sure he held much influence over,
>but what he did have was reasonably formidable.

Crow: And naturally Ranma will have no problem whatsoever working
for the forces of darkness against the senshi because... uh...
author, little help here?

>Nodoka, for her part, winced at the grin she saw. "Jadeite-sama," She
>said, tentatively. "You... aren't going to ask me to send Ranma
>against the Senshi, are you?

Crow: <Jadeite> Well, not right away. I mean, I do have scores of
low level minions to thin out...

>They've grown a lot more powerful since our queen was defeated, and
>it would be hard for me to get him to move against them."

Tom: <Nodoka> Hell, I can't even move the panda bear, and he's already
dressed like a youma.
Mike: Just please spare us the visual image of a panda in a fuku.

>Jadeite considered rebuking the Youma before him for questioning him
>the way she had and then smacked himself in the side of the head.
>'Don't act like Beryl,' he thought to himself, irritably,

Mike: Send MORE THAN ONE of your minions at a time?
Crow: That's just crazy talk!

>'she has a good point.' "You're right," he finally said. "I will have
>to think before doing anything."

Tom: I wouldn't be admitting that thinking wasn't part of previous
plans to the loyal minion here Jadeite...

>Nodoka sighed in relief, standing from her kneeling position before
>the Dark General, and exiting the Tendo Dojo, where he'd asked to
>stay until he found a way to return to the Dark Kingdom.

Crow: Have you tried clicking your heels together and repeating
"There's no place like home...?"
Tom: Oh, just Google Map it already.

>She knew where her loyalties had once been, and took them, and her
>honor, very seriously, but she really wished that her son wouldn't be
>involved in all of this.

Tom: Oh. Had no idea the series was supposed to be called Nodoka 1/2.
Mike: <Nodoka> The greatest gift and honor is having you for a
daughter.
Crow: <Ranma> ....

>She looked back for only a few seconds, before sliding the Dojo's
>main door closed, and starting for the house, not noticing a small
>purple and white blur dashing for the compound wall.

Crow: <Nodoka> And now I get to go back to the house, I should
really... SQUIRREL!

>HR.

Tom: This fanfic is available in high resolution.
Mike: Wow, I can really see the black levels!

>Akane Tendo found Ranma sitting on the roof, looking out at the
>streets that surrounded the Tendo Dojo, and looking as though his
>favorite cat eating animal had died.

Tom: Alf is dead!? W-When? How!?

>She frowned, having not expected this to be the first thing she came
>home to, other than a secretive Nabiki and a cheerfully oblivious
>Kasumi, after a fun sleepover at Yuka's place.

Crow: *Someone* needs to be Senshi fodder to get Ranma mad enough to
follow Jadeite's commands.
Tom: <whiny> Mike, the narrative is giving me a headache!
Mike: Welcome to my world.

>"What happened?" She asked, in a somewhat resigned tone, hoping that
>another fiancee hadn't shown up.

Mike: <Ranma> Khloe Kardashian's marriage is falling through, Dad's
trying to engage me into their family to increase my "Q-score",
whatever that is.

>"Kuno's right about something," Ranma mumbled back, still staring at
>the street.

Tom: <Akane> He's bound to be, considering how much money he funnels
to Nabiki.
Crow: <Ranma> I'm worried, Akane. Why do I feel like wagging my tail
every time I see a car drive by down there?

>The blue-black haired girl shook her head, climbing up from her
>room's open window, where she'd originally been observing Ranma, and
>onto the roof nearby.

Mike: <Akane> Day 121... I have kept the aquasexual under constant
observation, the subject appears to be depressed. Will attempt to
diagnose cause and record findings later.

>"Kuno's never right," she objected.
>
>Ranma shrugged. "Turns out I'm actually a demon spawn."

Crow: <Akane> Oh... well, good. As long as you aren't engaged again.

>Akane blinked several times. "Huh?" She asked, about as articulately
>as he had earlier.
>
>"Earlier today Gos summoned some guy when trying to get a demon to
>destroy me," the pigtailed martial artist explained. "Turns out he's
>Mom's old boss, and she's from some demonic army or something."

Crow: <Akane> Sooo, just another Wednesday?
Tom: <Ranma> Pretty much, yeah. So how was your day?

>For a moment, the youngest Tendo wondered if her Fiancee had been hit
>in the head too hard, but then recalled that there hadn't been any
>holes in the walls or craters in the back yard. "You're serious?" She
>asked, stunned.
>
>Ranma nodded.

Mike: <Ranma> That's the premise we're running with.
Tom: <Akane> Do I get magic powers and a fuku at least?
Mike: <Ranma> No, but you get a Brooklyn accent.

>"Well, um," The youngest Tendo offered, not sure what to say. "What's
>going to happen now?"

Crow: <Ranma> Goofiness. Silliness. Pain. Not necessarily in that
order.
Mike: <Ranma> But in a bit, we have to clear forty-five seconds for
some Hulu ads.

>Ranma shrugged. "Dunno," he confessed. "Apparently, all this guy's
>friends got destroyed by the Sailor Senshi almost twenty years ago,
>so I guess it's just another strange thing to add onto the
>collection.

Tom: <Akane> He needs to make new friends. Just not you.

>Hopefully, nothin else's gunna come out of it other than Mom turning
>into a werewolf or something."

Tom: <Akane> You're pretty much the best person in the world for this
to happen to, your father is already a panda...
Mike: <Ranma> Yeah, I'm frigging Barnum *and* Ms. Bailey.

>Akane rolled her eyes. "That's likely," she noted.
>
>"Yeah, I know," Ranma grumbled. "'s why I'm up here, before crap hits
>the fan again." He leaned back, taking his vision off of the road as
>the sky began to darken and looking up into the sky.

Crow: <Ranma> Hokay, that's it. TRAINING TRIP!
Tom: <Akane> Take me with you! Please! I won't cook, I swear!
Mike Take us too! I want a buddy road 'fic! C'mon, I won't cook
either!
Tom: Okay, I'm seriously starting to get scared now.
Crow: Who's bringing the pickled weiners?

>Akane did so as well, somewhat unsteadily and wondering if she was
>going to fall off of the roof. "I guess you'll see tomorrow," she
>contributed.

Tom: <Akane> For the psychiatric help, that'll be five cents.
Mike: <Ranma> You'll see that tomorrow too. Honest.

>"Yeah, well, just remember it ain't my fault and don't flatten me
>into the wall this time, okay Tomboy?" Ranma asked, grinning up at
>the sky.

Crow: <Akane> That's fine, I have a whole list of "yo' mama" jokes to
make from this now.

>"I don't know," Akane said, smirking herself. "The Sailor Senshi do
>wear pretty skimpy outfits, you know."

Crow: <Ranma> And that's my fault... how exactly?
Mike: Akane gets all excited about a woman in uniform...

>Ranma just rolled his eyes.

Mike: <Akane> No foolin'! Every time they twirl, you see up their
skirts, they're wearing such short leotards.
Crow: <Ranma> How many times have you seen them?!
Mike: <Akane> Uh, every time I make involuntary withdrawals from the
coffee shop, or the pharmacy, sometimes when I threaten a hot-dog
vendor, once in Toronto's Chinatown....

>HR.

Tom: Well, maybe it's happy HR?
Crow: Everybody take a shot!
Mike: Cool, what's on tap?

>Dr. Ami Mizuno rubbed her nose, as the urge to sneeze came, yet was
>easily suppressed.

Mike: My god, it's so simple! Hah, take that, seasonal allergies!
You won't win this year!

>Taking off her white lab coat, she grimaced down at the grass stains
>it had accumulated that afternoon,

Tom: Suddenly we're watching a detergent commercial?

>when she'd ended up being knocked over by a demon on
>her lunch break and had to fight it.

Mike: Oh Lord, it's grade school recess all over again.

>"All of our enemies have been gone for fifteen years, and the demons
>still show up every week or so," she grumbled.

Crow: If only Ami had thought to destroy the generator, she could've
avoided years of frustration.
Tom: <Ami> Dammit, what season are we in now? Shouldn't I be training
the new generation of senshi in a crappy spinoff by now or something?

>Then, she recalled the last thing she'd seen during the fight, and
>her displeasure got worse.

Mike: <Ami> I am further displeased with my previous recollection!

>Pulling the Mercury computer out of its usual subspace hole, she
>flipped it open, expertly manipulating it to show a large, yellow and
>grey blob.

Mike: Her wallpaper leaves much to be desired.
Tom: <Ami> I've had the damn thing for a couple decades, still haven't
doped out how to change that desktop image...

>"Figures," she snorted, closing the device and putting it back.

Crow: Why the hell did the Silver Millennium never advance past
flip phones?

>Walking into the kitchen and putting on a pot of instant noodles, the
>ice Senshi took out her communicator and hit the all call button,
>figuring that she would be finished by the time the full conference
>had gotten together.

Tom: <Ami> SENSHI ROLL-CALL! VENUS! MARS! JUPITER! MOOOON!
Crow: That's one O!

>As it turned out, she was both correct and incorrect at the same
>time, as she had finished cooking the noodles by the time the
>communicator chimed, but when she flipped it open, she only saw six
>other Senshi and one moon cat.

Tom, Crow: <Senshi> GOOD MORNING, CHARLIE!!!
Mike: So the others are on standby while Ami works all day? Is she
paying their rent too?

>"Where are Mamoru, Haruka and Luna?" the doctor asked, curiously.

Crow: Serving as the punchline to a very silly bar joke.

>"Haruka's racing right now," Michiru answered, and was followed by a
>massive crash from Artemis's channel.

Tom: <Michiru> Aww... she's fine, just gotta go find the air
compressor to reinflate her.

>"You don't want to know where those two are," he advised, solemnly.

Mike: <Artemis> He's getting a second cup of coffee at Haruka's
apartment.
Crow: <Usagi> Mamoru never asks for a second cup of coffee at
home...

>Ami sweat dropped. "Okay..." she said, and then shook her head. "I
>wanted to call in to report another demon attack in Juuban, and
>something strange that I saw after it."

Tom: Something strange as opposed to a DEMON ATTACK??? God, I love
Japan!

>"You called about a demon attack?" Rei asked, looking irritable.
>"Most of us can vaporize those things in about thirty seconds, and
>I've got to go on stage in ten minutes."

Mike: On... stage? Oh, is she one of the damsels at "Medieval Times"?
Crow: <Ami> Oh yeah, silly me. FYI, you might want to adjust your
nipple shield, it's slipping slightly...

>"I'm sure it's important if Ami's called us all about it," Hotaru
>disagreed. "What did you see?"
>"I'm pretty sure it was Jadeite," the blue haired Senshi said,
>quietly. "It's been a while, but the Dark General uniform is pretty
>distinctive."

Tom: <Ami> If we're going back to the beginning, I hope to hell we're
not retconned into something completely different.
Mike: <Mina> What was that, lover?
Tom: <Ami> Stop that.

>"Couldn't have been," Usagi objected, as another crashing noise came
>from her and Artemis's channels, "We ran him over with an airplane."

Mike: One of the greatest Jackass stunts *ever*.
Bots: <singing> They tried to kill him with an air-plane! Olé!

>"You wha..." Makoto started, astonished.
>
>"Well, he tried to do it first," Usagi justified, petulantly.

Crow: And thus started the career of the most bizarre serial killer
that ever stalked the lands of Japan.

>"I knew airplanes were evil," Makoto grumbled, darkly.

Tom: <Makoto> Whitewash them all you want, Disney! I know the truth!
Mike: <Makoto> The airplanes are just WATCHING you. Ever wonder why
they hang in the air like that?

>"Look, that's not important right now," Ami cut in. "I saw him, and I
>know I did... unfortunately the Mercury Computer only scanned him as
>a source of dark energy and some blurred images."

Crow: <Ami> Either that or my webcam really sucks.
Mike: <Ami> If this thing runs on magic, do you think you can get me
an upgrade?
Tom: <Luna> Sorry, you're under contract.

>"I don't know," Michiru said. "I would imagine being run over by an
>aircraft would kill someone rather well."

Mike: Taking notes, Johnny Knoxville?

>"Yeah, Ami, you're probably seeing goats," Minako chipped in.

Crow: <Ami as Shaggy> A g-g-g-g-GOAT?!?
Tom: <Minako> Next thing you know you'll be seeing pink elevators!
Mike: <Rei> That's only when she dunks and dives.

>"That's, um, seeing Ghosts, Mina-chan," Makoto cut in.

Crow: A disappointed George Clooney departs with no goats to stare at.

>"I don't know, but I've got a steak being incinerated over here, can
>you call if you get any more information?"

Tom: <Usagi> I would but I've got a hot pocket being bombarded with
radiation right now so it'll have to wait a bit.

>"I'll tell Haruka, and see if I can contact Setsuna," Michiru
>offered. "But you know how easy that is."
>
>Ami sighed. "All right, I'll call if I see him again."

Crow: <Michiru> Richard forbid she accept the 15 cent charge for one
lousy text message...
Tom, Mike [singing] Fighting evil by moonlight... jotting memos by
daylight... their group calendar's a real sight! She is the admin
Sailor Moon!

>The other Senshi nodded, before the communicator's screen snapped
>off, and the ice Senshi grimaced,

Tom: <Ami> Cheap Japanese crap.

>slipping the small device into a pocket. "I don't think I've been
>told I was seeing things by that many people at once before," she
>observed, irritably, before starting on her instant noodles.

Crow: You know, for "instant" noodles, they're sure taking their sweet
time.
Mike: So this is what happens when middle school magical girls get
old, ornery, and drunk.

>HR.

Tom: Boy, I could just riff on these scene changes for HRs on N.
Mike: Another 48HRS and maybe we'll get a cameo from Eddie Murphy?

>"!" A purple blur ran into the Nekohanten, screaming something
>incomprehensible at the top of its lungs, finally coming to rest in
>the back room, leaning against a counter and panting.

Crow: Uh-oh, looks like Shampoo escaped from the hospital again...
Tom: <Shampoo> WHERE YOU BEEN GRANDMOTHER!? STUPID NURSES TOUCH AMAZON
BLOOD! I KILL!!!

>"Son in law is a what?" Cologne asked, as she sat on top of her
>staff, stirring a pot of rice with a spoon.

Tom: <Shampoo> Wait a second... Grandmother, aren't we a noodle shop??
Mike: <Cologne> You saw nothing.

>"Airen mother is big, scary wolf demon," Shampoo said, slowly. "She
>called Youma, and she work for some dark kingdom thing, tell yellow
>hair man Ranma half demon," the younger Amazon said, slowing down
>to a somewhat understandable level, despite her broken Japanese.

Crow: <Cologne> Hold on, let me Google this, it'll go much faster...
Dark Kingdom thing... yellow hair man... Ranma half demon... no, I
don't want to install Chrome, stop asking me...

>Cologne contemplated telling her great granddaughter to speak
>Chinese, so that she could get a better grasp of the situation, but
>decided against it. The girl would learn the foreigners' tongue or
>sound like an idiot, and she wasn't going to coddle her.

Crow: And the narration breaks down into a list of Shampoo's faults.
Tom: <Cologne> You know my policy! All plot points must be in a
recognizable language for the narration that we're not even speaking!
Mike: <Shampoo> Da, babushka.

>"I see," the old woman said, removing the spoon and setting it on the
>counter before stroking her chin.

Tom: <Cologne> A man with yellow hair... could he be on a Quest for
Glory?

>"I have never heard of a 'Youma,' did youu manage to figure out what
>kind of demon it is through the village's clasification system,
>child?"

Tom: <Shampoo> You mean Amazon.com?
<Mike facefaults out of his chair>
Tom: Oh, like you didn't see that one coming.

>"Um," Shampoo said, looking sheepish. "Shampoo forgot."

Crow: <Shampoo> Shampoo busy having life. Shampoo sorry.

>The old woman sighed, shaking her head. "Well, the village's rules on
>this matter are clear, you understand, but I'm going to have to
>confirm it myself before I can declare your marriage to son in law
>over."

Tom: <Cologne> Okay Ranma, now for your physical. Turn your head and
howl.

>"You're annulling that sham of a marriage?"

Crow: Cologne's papal vestments are at the Chinese laundry.

>Mousse's voice abruptly butted into the scene, as the master of
>hidden weapons skipped out of the back supply room, holding a can of
>sauce that the elder had asked him to get.

Mike: <Mousse> Here's your Ragu, you old bat.

>"Oh, Shampoo, what a happy occasion this..." The boy immediately
>stopped in his tracks, his eyes, behind their thick glasses, going
>wide, before he hit the linoleum floor with a thud and a nose bleed.

Tom: <Cologne> Heh, I don't even need to hit him anymore, his body
just reacts before I need to.
Crow: His eyes have their own glasses? Geez, how blind is this guy?

>"You may wish to go get some clothing, great granddaughter," Cologne
>observed. "The customers have gotten enough of a free show for the
>night."

Mike: <Cologne> You want to see more, it'll be $79.95 a month.

>"Aiya..." Shampoo moaned, covering her chest and crotch before
>immediately running upstairs.

Tom: <singing> Oh, they call her The Streak, fastest thing on two
feet...
Mike: <Cologne> Can't tell you how many times I've told that girl,
they'll pull our license for partial nudity if she keeps dropping her
britches.

>"Told you it was the best place in the district," a brown haired boy
>who went to Ranma and Akane's school said, as he grinned widely from
>a seat nearby. "The freshest rumors, and a free show."

Crow: <Dan Cortese> I LOOOOOVE THIS PLACE!
Tom: Yeah, who needs classy decor or good food? Just have a hot naked
chick run into the restaurant every night and you're guaranteed
business.
Mike: Gordon Ramsay would be proud.

>"Uhhuh," his companion, a somewhat older man with very similar
>features, noted with a glassy eyed stare. "This happens often?"

Mike: All of this is highly pertinent to the plot, when Shampoo
interrupts a UN Security Council meeting on South Sudan in her
birthday suit.
Crow: <Shampoo> Shampoo demand less sanctions, more time! Don't wait
for my pants, answer Shampoo now!

>"More than they'd like to admit," the boy stated cheerfully.

Crow: <boy> Public voyeurism is AWESOME!
Tom: <man> Screw New York, I HEART JAPAN!

>Cologne sighed, sitting on the counter and poking Mousse with her
>staff, before looking up into the ceiling. "I suppose you are going
>to be telling your master," she said to empty air.

Mike: <goat> Meeeeeeeeeeeeh...
Crow: <Cologne> I thought as much.

>"Of course," a voice came back immediately.
>
>"I don't suppose you could do some damage control on the facts?" The
>elder asked.

Crow: <deeply> No! You're just going to have to roll with this. I
wrote it like this for a reason! Now stop complaining to me and get
back in the story.

>While she quite enjoyed the show around her Son in Law most of the
>time, it wasn't nearly as much fun if it got too chaotic, and may
>even hurt someone.

Crow: <Cologne> I'm just here for the possible great-great-great-
great *gasp*...great-great-grandbabies.

>"With my master?" The voice questioned, somehow managing to be both
>deferential and scathing.
>
>"Of course," Cologne said, rolling her eyes. "I hope you know I won't
>be feeding you extra ramen for a week."

Mike: <deeply> The Flying Spaghetti Monster appreciates your
dedication, my daughter, but objects strenuously to only one ritual
offering of tasty noodles.
Tom: <Cologne> Careful, I have meatballs in high places.

>"Aww..." the voice said, before the Amazon matriarch returned her
>attention to the rice pot, which was ominously boiling.

Tom: But..... it's, ah... supposed to boil?
Crow: Neglect me, will you? I, the rice pot, am now PISSED.

>HR.

Mike: Like sands through the HRglass, so are the scene changes of
our lives...

>"All right," Jadeite grumbled, as he traced a line. "The key rune
>connects through the locator runes, the power focus rune, and..."

Tom: <Jadeite> For children three years or under? My ass!

>As the set of markings drawn on a small mat in the middle of the Dojo
>flared, incinerating the mat, the dark general grimaced. "Nephrite
>was always better at this."

Mike: Setting fires to collect on insurance was Nephrite's speciality.

>Sitting back, the man contemplated getting another of the few pieces
>of matting he'd borrowed from the polite homemaker, Kasumi, but shook
>his head.

Tom: Today on the Polite Homemaker -- what dishes do you serve a
houseguest who has turned another of your houseguests into a refugee
from "Twilight"?
Crow: <Kasumi> Our guest today is Taylor Lautner. I will be feeding
him my Team Edward mousse... with real pieces of Robert Pattinson's
kidneys!

>At the moment, he simply didn't have the information needed to
>construct a complex transportation spell to the dark kingdom, and
>when he had tried to use his simple one again, he had ended up
>materializing on the building's roof, next to Ranma and a girl he
>hadn't seen before, who were both staring up at the stars.

Tom: <Ranma> Okay, I'm gonna wish on just ONE more shooting star, but
if I still have boobs in the morning, I'm switching to wells!

>Unfortunately, all of the tomes that would tell him how to inscribe a
>trans-dimensional teleportation circle were back in the dark kingdom,
>with his army of sleeping Youma, and, of course, more importantly,
>all of his spare clothes.

Mike: You simply can't conquer the world nude.
Crow: Paris Hilton begs to differ.

>Still, he was much more on top of things than he really had a right
>to be, as he still recalled the secret identities of three of the
>kingdom's worst enemies, and, hopefully, the Senshi had no idea he
>was back.

Tom: Who would've suspected Larry, Darryl, and Darryl as Sailor
Senshi!?

>Also, he had somehow ended up stumbling upon some sort of energy
>treasure trove.

Mike: That is until he managed to find a Metroid.

>He had, just for experimentation, drained a small amount of energy
>from the fat man that was apparently married to Nodoka, and ended up
>with a similar amount to what a normal human would give when drained
>to near death.

Tom: <Nodoka> Oh, good one! Now I won't get any work out of him for
at least a week!
Crow: <Genma> Sorry, dear! Not my fault! Heh heh... ZZZzzzzzzz...

>If he could set up a base of operations here, perhaps he would be
>able to gain enough power and influence to undermine the Senshi
>before he had to fight them.

Mike: <Jadeite> First... the "Mutant Registration Act", then the
"Magical Girl Registration Annex"...
Crow: He'll need a pair of dark shades first, without them he'll have
NO chance of fooling anybody.

>To him, subtlety had always been best, and now he had all the time in
>the world. Nodding decisively, he stood and walked over to get
>another mat, imbuing his finger with energy and beginning to etch the
>runes again. "Key rune connects..."

Tom: ...to the knee bone!
All: <Singing> Dem runes, dem runes, dem dry runes!

>END.

Tom: I, the author, command you!

>Again, Please R&R, and we're glad that the readers so far have liked
>the story. Sorry about this.

Crow: Rest and Relax? Don't mind if I do!

>A new chapter for all you guys. Hope you enjoy it, and please tell us
>what you think.

Crow: All you gals, take a hike!
Mike: Yeah, go find some CLAMP or My Little Pony to read.
Tom: Umm... all the guys are reading My Little Pony too.

>Chapter 1: A Day in the Life...

Mike: Ladies and Gentlemen... The BEATLES!
Bots: <screaming>

>Jadeite woke sprawled out over a tatami mat with several glowing
>runes covering its surface, and with a massive backache.

Tom: <Jadeite> That's the last time I trade shots with Kasumi. Oy vey.

>Channeling some power into taking care of that, he pushed himself to
>a kneeling position, looking around to note that he was still in the
>training hall that he'd been lent to sleep in, and he'd been awakened
>by the sound of the door to the outside sliding open,

Mike: Breathe, narrator, breathe!

>to reveal a blue-black haired girl in a martial arts uniform of some
>sort who was looking at him curiously.

Mike: <girl> Do you wanna hide a body?

>"Oh, sorry," the girl said quickly. "No one told me someone would be
>in here."

Crow: <girl> Of course no one told me someone wouldn't be in here
either, so really, it's my fault.

>Jadeite rubbed his eyes, getting to his feet, and very thankful that
>none of the Youma could see him so tired.

Mike: <Jadeite> Coffffeeeeeeeeeeeeee...
Tom: <Jadeite> Thank goodness they're all too busy sleeping to see how
tired I am.

>"It's fine," he assured, not really wanting to upset his hosts, and
>rather familiar with courtesy through his efforts to not get blasted
>by his queen.

Crow: The world needs far more polite villains.
Mike: <Jadeite> You're bleeding, here's a clean napkin.

>The girl nodded, entering the training hall and walking past him to
>bow to a shrine nearby. As she did so, her eye caught the runes he'd
>drawn on the mat on the floor, and she blinked.

Tom: <girl> I spy with my little eye something... satanic?

>"What are you doing with that?" She asked, in a combination of
>curiosity and wariness, wondering if something else magical was going
>to cause problems.

Tom: If she calls him "Mr. Man" next, I'm leaving.
Mike: <girl> My parents were killed through the incorrect cleaning of
a Ouija board.

>"I'm trying to construct a portal to go home," the dark general
>explained.

Tom: In Akane's case, the cake IS a lie.

>"It should be done later today." He was, of course, lying through his
>teeth about the timeframe, but had already been seen acting rather
>incompetent in the last two days.

Crow: <Girl> We could tell you were a charlatan when you tried to use
the phone as a meat tenderizer.
Mike: <Jadeite> I thought it was an electronic model!

>"Hmm," the girl noted, bending down to study the sheet. "But," she
>said, uncertainly, "Shouldn't this one be over here?" She pointed to
>one of the coordinate runes, and then gestured to an empty space on
>the mat near the outside edge. "It would fit the pattern better,
>wouldn't it?"

Mike: <girl> Turn over this tile, a ducky... and the tile in the
corner, a cute bunny.
Crow: Jadeite is the only Dark General that would dare to use Memory
cards to build a spell.

>"There's a pattern?" Jadeite asked, confused,

Tom: <girl> Oh, just let me do it or we'll never get this scene
started!
Crow: Jadeite, it's YOUR plot to jumpstart. A lycanthropizing Nodoka
isn't quite enough.

>though as he thought about it, her suggested change would likely
>increase the harmonics of the rune circle.

Tom: Just tap the interocitor with a hammer lightly... I SAID LIGHTLY!

>"Yeah, it's like this," the girl said, smiling, and seeming to forget
>why she was in the Dojo as she started tracing out various changes to
>the diagram with her hand.

Crow: <girl> Like this... and... there! Oh look, it was a pony!
Tom: <Jadeite> Holy crap, I found two new foot soldiers AND a
consigliere? Thanks, authors!

>"I... don't see a pattern," the dark general admitted, though he did
>note that several of the changes she'd recommended sounded workable.

Mike: It's time to send Jadeite to Youma Sesame Street.
Tom: <singing> Everywhere, I see them there, I stop and stare at
patterns, I don't care, I must declare, I've got a flair for
patterns...

>"Oh, all right," the blue-black haired girl said, standing and
>stretching. "I'm going to train on the other side of the room, so be
>careful if you want to go there, all right?"

Crow: <Akane> I've maimed two strays and the postman. Don't say
I didn't warn you!

>Jadeite nodded, looking down at the runic diagram and trying to
>puzzle out all of the things the girl had said, when he heard a
>tremendous splash from outside.

Crow: <thick Asian accent> GOJIRA!!
Tom: Don't worry, Sailor Jupiter has it covered.

>The girl seemed to just roll her eyes, though he was curious, walking
>to the door and looking out to see the black haired boy, Ranma,
>fighting what looked to be a giant panda.

Mike: <Ranma> Damn... you... Ling-ling! why... won't... you... BREED?!

>As the blond watched, somewhat startled, the very heavy looking
>animal lept into the air, the boy following, and the two seemed to
>hang there,

Tom: Ah finally, a crossover we can enjoy! Ranma 1/2 and Kung-Fu
Panda!
Crow: <Jack Black> The awesomeness could not be fathomed by the
most epic dude on his most elite day!

>somehow trading their momentum back and forth in what looked to be,
>and he was pretty sure was, a physically impossible fashion.

Mike: Not really, Neil Degrasse Tyson will cover it in the next
episode of "Cosmos".
Tom: And the week following Jamie and Adam will try to reenact it on
"Mythbusters".

>The punches blurred for several seconds, before the Panda saw an
>opening in Ranma's defense, pouncing on it. This turned out to be a
>mistake, as the boy grabbed the animal's paw, throwing himself
>further into the air and sending it splashing into the pond.

Tom, Crow: <koi> HOLY MOSES! INCOMING!!
Mike: <Jadeite> Wow. And I can't even get a effing rune right.

>"Stupid ol' man, got ya again," the martial artist said, smirking, as
>he settled to a nearby rock, only to be interrupted by a large wave
>hitting him in the side of the head. "And... why do I always let that
>happen?" The short redhead that remained griped.

Crow: <Ranma> Oh right, my contract demands each episode consists of
at least 33% fanservice.

>"Because you have always been, and will always be, sloppy boy," a
>sign pulled out by the animal proclaimed.

Tom: <Genma-Panda> [scribble] "Hey Mr. Author! [scribble] Ease up on
the dialogue... [scribble] I can only pack away... [scribble] so much
wood!"

>"Right," the redhead grumbled. "Shut up, ol' man."
>
>She and the panda turned to the house, the latter shaking its fur as
>best it could to dry off, as Jadeite gaped from the Dojo door.

Crow: <Genma, holding sign> You just love bears with big butts, eh?
Mike: <Jadeite> I see people turn into youma all the time but THIS is
just SHOCKING!

>"Stupid showoff," he heard a voice from behind him, and turned to see
>the girl in the fighting outfit, though she was grinning while she
>said it. "Hey, are you a martial artist? I could use a morning spar."

Tom: <Jadeite> No, I graduated with a BA in sociology, I'm more of a
barista.

>The man frowned. "Unfortunately, I don't have my sword with me," he
>answered, immediately getting a grimace from the girl.

Mike: Here, Jadeite, I've got a Swiss army knife. Now go get 'em!
Crow: <Jadeite> You'll have to settle for my insults. You fight like
a dairy farmer!

>At his inquisitive look, she blushed. "I don't really like sword
>users that much, usually," she admitted, shuddering as she could have
>sworn she heard the sound of a thunder clap from nearby.

Tom: <Akane> Hear that? It's the sound of electric-type Pokemon.
Crossover deluge is on the way.
Mike: <Jadeite> Farmer's Almanac said that it'd be a year with
frequent crossover activity.

>The general merely tilted his head for a moment, before the voice of
>the oldest Tendo rolled across the yard. "Akane-chan, Jadeite-san,
>breakfast is ready!"

Crow: <Kasumi> I decided to pick up McDonalds. Be sure to eat the
hash browns before they fuse permanently with the paper wrapper they
came in!
Mike: <Akane> Ah, Sausage McMuffins... you are pure crack. I love you.

>The girl, who was apparently Akane, grinned widely and dashed past
>him. Shrugging, the blond followed her.

Tom: Apparently, we've only been pretending it's been Jennifer
Lawrence for the last fifteen minutes.

>HR.

Tom: Uh-oh, HR's on the case... and they've finished the 'fic with
outsourced temps.
Mike: Akene melt and fell with much hurtingness. Mebbe awlways and
with Genma fowl. Just anontherr day in Nermia.

>Breakfast at the Tendo home was an interesting event, Jadeite
>thought. It seemed, for the most part, like any other breakfast,
>aside from the fact that

Crow: ...Guy Fieri kept eating everybody's food.

>all of the servings, aside from his and the girl known as Nabiki's,
>were enough to fill most people up for an entire day.

Mike: <Jadeite> Trust me, a plate with five crickets is enough to make
me swear off food for the next twenty-four hours.
Tom: Kasumi's bulking up for her role as Psylocke in the next X-film.

>Also, Ranma, who had changed back to male form, and his father, who
>was still a panda, were having what looked like a chopstick based
>fencing match over their portions, while Nodoka frowned at them
>disapprovingly.

Tom: <Nodoka> You realize my husband is technically endangered, right?

>The dark general tuned out most of the small talk, enjoying a quite
>delicious meal, until someone addressed him directly.

Mike: <Jadeite> A chess tournament in Canada!? Oh, I am SO THERE!

>"So, Jadeite-san," Mr. Tendo said, from behind his newspaper, "What
>do you plan on doing today?"

Crow: <Jadeite, thinking> Don't say "your daughters"... don't say
"your daughters"...

>The dark general thought for a moment. He wasn't inclined to tell a
>group of mostly normal humans his true goals, but then they already
>knew that he was a general who had formerly been under the command of
>a woman who meant to take over the planet, and had greeted the
>revelation with the same amount of surprise as would be seen if he'd
>mentioned that he was Austrian.

Crow: Ironically enough, he did make good on his vow that he would be
back.

>Nabiki smirked. "You're not going to try and take over the world in
>your old mistress's place, are you?" She asked, only half joking.
>"Then we'd end up having to fix the house again when Ranma went all
>hero to stop you."

Mike: <Nabiki> Saving the world from evil simply isn't worth the costs
of living.
Crow: <Jadeite> We've had two prologues to establish that I don't
exactly have an active lifestyle to match my active blond hair.

>"Hey, I'd help too," Akane objected, irritably.
>
>"Great, up go the repair bills," Nabiki smirked evilly, getting a
>glare from her sister.

Mike: <Akane> Love and peace, love and peace, love and peeeeeaaaaaace!
Tom: <Kasumi> How can that girl be Akane the Stampede?

>Nodoka frowned at the middle Tendo, wishing that she would show
>Jadeite-sama some respect, though she supposed the girl really didn't
>have any reason to.

Mike: <Nodoka> He didn't even last before the fourth senshi was
introduced... that barely qualifies for first level sub-boss.
Crow: <Jadeite> For some reason, I'm compelled to pull on my tie...

>Still, she seemed sorely lacking in common politeness, at least when
>she wanted to be blunt. "Nabiki-chan," she rebuked gently, but it
>seemed to roll off of the girl's back.

Crow: <Nabiki> Screw it, if the story isn't going to move along, I'm
providing my own entertainment!

>"I wouldn't be able to take over the planet if I wanted to," Jadeite
>explained. "Without Metalia's power, the conventional armies would
>stop my Youma forces eventually, and there would be too many losses."

Crow: Realpolitik... as presented by Japanese animation!
Tom: <Jadeite> Besides, I've heard that the term "lebensraum" is
verboten around here.

>"You mean he was actually considering it?" Soun mumbled, from behind
>his paper.
>
>"At the moment, I want to scout out the area for resources,

Mike: Gold, wood, ore, crystal, vespene gas, goodie huts....
Tom: "Be Prepared" is Jadeite's motto, but when he says it, it kind of
sounds like Scar.

>and perhaps get enough energy to revive the Youma. I'm sure that even
>in stasis sleep, they might be running out soon." The man explained,
>gravely.

Crow: <Nabiki> Okay, I'll be here watching TV and totally not stopping
you from conquering the world... oh wait, that wasn't sarcastic. Or
maybe it was.
Mike: <Jadeite> You're deep.
Crow: <Nabiki> Yet, you're not.

>Nodoka paled. "I... never realized," she said, worried.
>
>"Youma," Ranma cut in, though only after swallowing his meal.

Crow: Jerry Lewis should hold a telethon.
Tom: <Nodoka> Heh, guess I should've checked in with the office more
often, huh?

>Several glares from his mother over the months had helped
>immeasurably with that. "Wolf people, like Mom?"

Tom: No, Mole people, like Sylvia.
Crow: That reminds me, whose turn is it to take Nodoka for walksies?

>"Not all Youma are wolf-like," Nodoka explained, patiently. "We have
>many different forms,

Crow: <Nodoka> We have tiger, bear, angry hippopotamus... My Little
Pony...
Mike: <Nodoka> Gotta catch us all!

>though we're mostly classified as other-dimensional beings who need a
>source of external energy other than food to live."

Tom: Classified by who? The Enterprise Computer?
Crow: They're called "White Castle Sliders". And you'll wish you had
the energy to refuse them.
Mike: You'd need the energy just to keep them down.

>"Oh," Ranma said, slightly confused, but mostly understanding.
>
>"Do you have any idea how long we would have to get the energy to
>them?"
>The auburn haired woman asked, concerned.

Crow: Just wait until their buzz starts harshing, then come in with
the Doritos.

>Jadeite shook his head. "I didn't feel much in them," he explained.
>"Maybe a year, given how long it's been already."

Tom: You sure they don't all just have Mono?

>"So, wait," Akane said, suddenly thinking of something. "They can
>sleep for twenty years, and they take life force to live?" She
>blinked. "I wonder if Happosai's one?"

Tom: <Nodoka> No, he's a Sith Lord. Keep your crossovers straight!

>Nodoka flinched violently. "I hope not," she let herself say, before
>realizing what she'd said and raising a hand to her mouth.

Crow: <Nodoka> Oh god, I just gave a bad fanfic idea to a random
author! If it comes to fruition, I'll be responsible!!
Tom: The senshi would never get past the transformation sequences
before it all went to hell...

>"There could be another living Youma?" Jadeite asked, interestedly.
>
>"Trust me, ya don't want anything to do with the old freak," Ranma
>cut in, quickly. "I don't care if he's human or not, he's a twisted
>little monster."

Mike: Truly the Youma are the Garbage-Pail Kids of anime.

>"You're just saying that because of the fr..." Nabiki started, before
>getting cut off by one of the most intense glares she'd ever
>received. "I... think I'll be going to school now," she said,
>quietly, standing to leave the house.

Tom: <Jadeite, stage whisper> She's the first against the wall.
Crow: <Nabiki> This crowd's too tough, I'll save my snark for Twitter.

>"Oh, she's right, school's going to start soon!" Akane exclaimed,
>shooting to her feet. "Come on, Ranma!"

Tom: Wonder if Nodoka will consent to being Akane's show-and-tell
exhibit today.

>"Okay, I'm comin," Ranma grumbled, polishing off his and Akane's
>bowls more quickly than Jadeite could see and running after the girl
>as she charged down the hall and out of the house.

Tom: <Nodoka> Finally. Kasumi, can you please bring me the bag of
bacon strips in the cupboard?
Mike: <Kasumi> Oh my, Mrs. Saotome. Did you know that dogs don't
know it's not bacon?
Tom: <Nodoka> What does it say!? I can't READ!

>HR.

Crow: This scene change has been redacted in the name of national
security. You read nothing. Move along, citizen.

>Tatewaki Kuno always loved a good round of posing.

Tom: <singing> When it comes crashing down and it HURTS INSIDE...!
Crow: <Kuno> WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN KUNOMANIA RUNS WILD ON YOU!!!

>In fact, he had even done a couple dramatic poses on his way to
>school this morning, including thunder claps, just for the practice.

Mike: <Storm> Charles, I beg you, let me KILL HIM NOW.

>Today, he felt, was a very good time to be posing dramatically. He
>had found Saotome's ultimate weakness.

Crow: A VHS copy of Tootsie?

>To think, after hours of information gathering, (by Sasuke,) and
>researching, (also by Sasuke,) he would finally use the sorcerer's
>foul magic against him, and in the same way as the beautiful warrior
>soldiers who had once banished demons of this ilk before.

Crow: Okay, 'fic, I am NOT picturing Kuno in a Sailor Scout uniform.
Tom: Urrrgh... too late... avenge me... *thud*

>For a moment, he let himself slip off into a fantasy of thanking the
>dark haired beauty for her help in his noble quest, and then
>proposing marriage to her, when he was jolted out of his musings by
>the steadily approaching sight of the fiend himself, dragging the
>poor, defenseless Akane Tendo behind in some invisible spell.

Tom: Either Kuno's completely snapped at this point or he's LARPing
hardcore.
Mike: Hey Kuno, mind using your sword to cut some of the clauses out
here?

>"Halt, you disgusting blight upon the world of men," the blue thunder
>proclaimed, bringing his family Katana into a ready stance.

Crow: <Ranma> Aw dude, don't drag your family Katana into this...

>Saotome immediately did so, eying the live steel nervously, though
>trying, in vain, to conceal it.

Mike: <Ranma, thinking> That sword is priceless and I just KNOW that
idiot is going to make me destroy it... what do I do!?

>"What do you want, Kuno?" He growled, irritably.

Tom: <Kuno> A threesome! Haven't I made that abundantly clear by now!?

>"I have found out what, in truth, you are!" The Blue Thunder
>proclaimed, swinging the blade up to point at his hated enemy.

Mike: <Kuno> An anthropomorphic dog, who with his canine mother is
trying to take over the world!
Tom: <Akane> Wow, surprisingly astute.
Crow: <Ranma> Woof. Err, I mean shut up.

>"Now, I shall destroy you and my two beloveds will throw themselves
>into my arms!"

Tom: <Kuno> And then my double clothesline will be complete!
Mike: <Kuno> I'm doing this for you, Kate Upton and Jack McBrayer!

>Saotome rolled his eyes, showing his contempt for the nobility of the
>Kuno family. "Okay, get on with it," he said, standing with his
>hands in his pockets and giving off an irritating smirk.

Crow: <Kuno> Hold up, I feel the urge to pose again. Give me five...
ten minutes, tops!
Mike: So this is all from Kuno's perspective? Talk about an
unreliable narrator...

>"Then I shall," Kuno declared, aiming his blade at the heavens, and
>causing a thunder clap before removing a paper from his top.

Tom: Sheesh Kuno, why are you padding your bra?

>As he spoke the next few words, he began taking up poses that he felt
>were apt for them.

Tom: <Kuno> *turn* I am! *turn* A man! *turn* Of the sea!
Crow, Mike: <Akane and Ranma> ...

>"Rin, Pyou, Tou, Sha, Kai, Jin, Retsu, Zai, Zen! Akuryo Taisan!"

Crow: <Ranma> Ahh... gesundheit?
Tom: Ah geez, the subtitles are down again. Quick, someone fix them
before the dubbing kicks in!

>"Wha..." Saotome asked, obviously trying to hold himself there, as he
>was trembling in terror, and having difficulty breathing.

Mike: Pregnant women and Youma should not take Akuryo Taisen for any
length of time.

>Still, he managed to dodge mostly out of the way of the spirit ward
>that was sent hurtling at his face, it managing to catch him in the
>right shoulder.

Crow: Brought down by 3M Sticky Notes.
Tom: Now THAT's 3M Innovation!

>The effects were immediate, as the divine energy lashed across the
>sorcerer's body causing him to convulse in pain. Within moments, he
>began to shift, and was about to reveal his true form,

Mike: Ethel Merman?
Crow: Dark Helmet?
Tom: Russell Brand?

>when a fist streaked in from out of nowhere, knocking the True
>Blunder out cold.

Tom: <Kuno> Thou halfwit author, practice thineself some narrative
neutrality! *thunk*
Crow: <Ranma> <glanced at his fist> Huh. I guess that still works.

>"Ranma?" Akane asked, slowly, walking towards the other martial
>artist, who was clearly in pain, and ignoring Kuno where he fell.
>"Are you all right?" She knew it was a pretty stupid question, but
>had no idea what to do.

Tom: <Akane> Wasn't I awesome? One punch and he's out cold! Yeah,
girl power! WHOO!
Mike: <Ranma> You... you... *did something*?!
Tom: <Akane> I know, right!?

>She reached out to try and pull the ward off of his shoulder, but a
>shock of electricity ran through her hand, and she jerked it back in
>surprise.

Tom: <Ranma> Da'cha!


>"Maybe I should go get elder Cologne," she mumbled, and was about to
>try and yank the ward off again, when Ranma's body exploded in a
>dark, nebulous aura, and the ward was instantly incinerated.

Crow: Uh, yay?
Tom: <Akane> Well... that kills three birds with one stone. No more
paper, no more shoulder, no more fiance...

>The pigtailed martial artist seemed to clutch at the left side of his
>chest for a moment, before his body began to rapidly shift, reforming
>the same way his mother's had the day before, into a large, white
>furred wolf creature,

Mike: And before you know it, he broke up three debates on the FFML.
Crow: And from that day forward, "Nermia" was forever spam-free.
Tom: <Akane> Wow... can I ride you?
Mike: <Akane> All I need now is for Dr. Tofu to become a vampire and
my life will be complete!

>his red and black clothing rippling and shifting into what looked
>like thin body armor.

Crow: Phew, and here I thought it turned into a Starfleet Security
uniform.

>"Uh..." Akane said, backing away uncertainly. "Ranma?"

Mike: <Akane> You're not gonna attack me with a Celestial Brush now,
are you?

>The large wolf creature turned to her, looking at her speculatively.
>"What's wrong, Tomboy?" It asked, in a voice that sounded like
>Ranma's, only slightly lower.

Mike: <Akane> All of my crossover dreams come true! My Remus Lupin
has arrived!
Crow: <Ranma> No, I'm not...
Mike: <Akane> Shut up or no milkbone.

>"Yup, definitely Ranma," Akane growled. "You do know you just turned
>into a giant wolf demon, right?"

Tom: <Ranma> Aw crap! Is it noticeable?
Crow: <Ranma> No, I just hit puberty and THANK YOU for m-making me all
the more self-conscious! <sobbing>

>Ranma blinked, looking down at himself and noting the change. "Was in
>a bit too much pain from the spirit ward ta notice," he admitted.
>"Thanks for gettin Kuno, by the way."

Crow: <Ranma> And if you ever mention that to anyone, I'll eat ya.
Tom: Michael Jordan and Ranma Saotome... up next in "Air-Wolf!"
Special Guest: Jan-Michael Vincent.

>"Well, you're taking this well," The blue-black haired girl drawled,
>trying to be surprised but failing spectacularly.

Tom: <Akane> I'm barely phased that you don't care. And if someone
douses you with cold water, I wouldn't bat an eye if you ended up
with six tits.
Crow: <Ranma> More like ten.

>"I'm not a girl," Ranma explained. "Besides, Mom turned into this and
>then turned back, so I'll just ask her when I get home."

Mike: <Nodoka> You want to transform back? Let me introduce you to
Mr. Gillette Fusion. You and him will be best buddies for the next
three hours.
Tom: <Kasumi> And don't you dare clog the drain, or I'll tie you up in
the backyard!
Crow: <Ranma> *whine*

>"Of course," Akane rolled her eyes, before the bell rung. "Well, if
>you're taking this so well, let's go to class. No need to be late."

Tom: <Akane> And once the school empties out, fleeing in terror from
your horrible visage, we can play cards all day!

>"Wait, ya mean I coulda gotten outta class?" Ranma whined, before he
>was grabbed by the arm by Akane and pulled into the school.

Crow: <Ranma> But I didn't do my homework! Ah hell, I'll just say I
ate it.
Mike: Does this make him the class pet now?

>Nearby, the students who had stayed outside to watch the fight
>shrugged, exchanged the various money they had had riding on the
>events, and followed.

Mike: Who exactly bet money on 'Ranma turns into a werewolf and Akane
saves his ass?'
Crow: <Nabiki> Good heavens, I could've run a pool on what species
they'd be after fighting? Stupid, stupid!

>HR.

Crow: Okay, folks, this is the eleventh HR, if anything going to save
this fanfic, it better happen soon.

>Jadeite's eyebrow twitched as another piece mysteriously appeared on
>the board ahead of him.

Crow: <Jadeite> Come on, there's nothing on the card about TWO hotels.
Tom: <Nabiki> They're called Trump TOWERS for a reason.

>"Are you sure that you explained the rules correctly?" He asked,
>irritably, as the white bandanna wearing man across from him seemed
>to grin smugly. "I don't see how my side can possibly compete if the
>first player gets two turns for every one of the second."

Crow: Someone's going to become poor before he understands three-card
Monte.
Mike: Naww.... Civ V, emperor difficulty.
[All knowingly nod]

>"It's a strategic challenge!" Genma Saotome exclaimed. "You have to
>fight with fewer forces and less time to prepare, only the experts
>can really master playing second."

Tom: <Jadeite> And the fact that there's money on it...?
Mike: <Genma> More reason for you to FOCUS!

>"Then why did you start me out that way?" The dark general protested,
>before he noticed his opponent palming another piece. Annoyed, he
>lifted a finger and discharged a stream of dark energy through it,
>causing the piece to poof into sawdust.

Crow: I had no idea that they published the board game version of
Calvinball.

>"I believe you've been lying to me this entire game, and don't know
>why I agreed to play rather than doing my job."

Mike: <Genma> Double or nothing.
Tom: <Jadeite> You're on, fatass!

>The blond man lined the pieces up neatly on his side of the board,
>before standing and turning to see an image from the lowest circle of
>hell staring back at him.

Crow: <Donald Trump> Is that Monopoly? I've got winner.

>He staggered back from the massive, demonic looking face for a
>moment, before it opened its mouth.
>
>"Why did you destroy one of my Shoji tiles?" It yelled,

Crow: The first challenge to your coming rule of the Earth, Jadeite,
how do you handle it?
Mike: <Jadeite> Nodoka! Sic 'em! ... ... no, he doesn't want to
throw the tennis ball so you can fetch it.

>and he paused, extending his senses and seeing a large, life energy
>fueled, construct before him. Sighing, he raised one hand, driving it
>into the demon's forehead, and siphoning off the energy that had been
>powering it to reveal Soun Tendo, his eyes brimming with tears. "My
>Shoji set..." he moaned, crying softly.

Crow: <Jadeite> You guys are lame, I should move out and find my own
place.

>Jadeite snorted, turning and stalking out the door to the side yard,
>before heading for the front gate.

Tom: Who gave him the cocaine?
Mike: Sorry. I just wanted him to do *something*.

>He really shouldn't have let the idiots distract him, but at least he
>had gotten some energy out of it.

Crow: It's like finding a penny and thinking to yourself, "I'm closer
to Bill Gates' wealth than EVER BEFORE!"

>As he stepped out onto the street, a shiver ran down his spine, and
>he turned just as... something... landed in front of him, balanced
>atop a stick.

Tom: <Jadeite> Oh boy, a WWF Ice Cream Bar! I haven't had one of
those in ages!

>"Well, your danger sense is better than the son-in-law's, I'll give
>you that," the... thing... cackled.

Crow: <Jadeite> Are you 1 or 2?

>"Who are you?" The dark general demanded, having lost most of his
>patience dealing with Soun and Genma.

Mike: <thing> Hey, watch your tone or it's clobberin' time!

>The shriveled figure before him nodded at him. "I am elder Ku Lon of
>the Joketsuzoku, and I would like to ask you the same," it introduced
>itself.

Tom: <Jadeite> Cologne? Are you German?
Crow: <Ku Lon> No, but when my sister moved to France, she was called
Eau de Toilette.

>"Dark General Jadeite of the Dark Kingdom." The man nodded back.
>
>Cologne looked over the blond's rather crumpled military looking
>uniform, and nodded. "One of those outfits that wants to take over
>the planet?" She asked. "I have to say, your name isn't very subtle."

Crow: <Jadeite> We tried reselling Girl Scout cookies first... but
they have very effective lawyers.

>Jadeite's eyebrow twitched. "I don't want to take over the planet,"
>he said, omitting the 'not yet.' "I want to recover my forces and
>maybe pursue some revenge on a group that killed my comrades."

Mike: <Cologne> Pursuing revenge? You know that this isn't a
Dragonball crossover, right?
Tom: <Jadeite> It's not? Wait, you're not Trunks?

>"Hmm," The thing, which Jadeite tentatively identified as an old
>woman, mumbled. "I'll need to get some information from you, however
>I suppose I and mine likely won't stop you so long as you don't
>endanger human lives."

Tom: <Cologne> Just let me splash them with Jusenkyo water first, then
hack away.
Crow: Cologne is truly the Mother Teresa of Ranma 1/2.

>"You want information?" Jadeite asked, his eyebrow raising. "I will
>trade what I know for what you know," he offered.

Mike: You know what this means....
Crow and Tom <as valley girls> SLUMBER PARTY!!

>The old woman grinned, the sight actually causing the seasoned
>general to flinch a little.

Crow: <Jadeite> The horrors of war I can handle, but the toothless
maw of an old crone? That's some serious PTSD.

>"That seems acceptable," she said, and began to hop away. "We can
>talk at my restaurant."

Tom: It was sad just before Maggie Thatcher passed... seeing "dark
generals" everywhere, trying to ride on a stick, thinking she was in
Japan...

>HR.

Tom: <Cologne> Oh, watch your step, we keep getting random letters
dropped everywhere in the narrative.
Crow: <Jadeite> I'll keep an eye out for that, my foot got caught in
the "R".

>"I can't believe it," Ranma snickered, as he, still looking like a
>wolf man, and Akane walked home from school. "How did you manage to
>set the desk on fire?"

Crow: You give it enough gas, *everything's* flammable.
Tom: <Akane> The teacher looked at me! I had to think fast and tossed
the cig inside!

>The girl blushed. "I was drawing some symbols I saw this morning,"
>she explained. "There are all these little patterns they go in. I got
>one to actually start glowing, so I tried a different one, and..."
>
>"It blew up a desk," Ranma finished for her.

Mike: <Akane> Shut up and pass the marshmallows.

>"I wouldn't be joking about that, big bad wolf," Akane shot back. "Or
>do you not remember sending Hinako-sensei screaming?"

Tom: <Ranma> How could I forget? I threw her about seventy-five feet!
Mike: <Akane> I still say it was going through the window that started
the screaming.

>"How was I supposed ta know she'd read Grimm's fairy tails
>yesterday?" the martial artist justified. "Besides, I'm not the one
>who caused the property damage for once, I'm enjoyin the feeling."

Crow: So, um, NOBODY else is commenting or reacting to Ranma having
changed into a wolf?
Tom: <Ukyou> Can I pet you? What? He's soft and cuddly!

>"Jerk," Akane muttered, crossing her arms as the two turned onto the
>street where the Tendo dojo was. Ranma was about to shoot back, when
>a ladle full of water caught him in the face.

Mike: <Ranma> What the?? Throw the water next time, not the utensils!

>HR.

Crow: Heroin Runners. Next week on FX.

>Jadeite entered the Tendo compound, feeling vaguely like he'd just
>lost spectacularly,

Tom: <Jadeite> I can't believe I bet the farm on Japan... I'll never
watch a soccer game again!

>especially since the teleportation spell components he'd received
>matched almost exactly those that the youngest Tendo had suggested
>earlier, with the only difference being that these ones took a little
>more energy.

Mike: <Jadeite> Okay, I've got... a slinky, a diet soda, a small
generator, and no self-esteem. Let's get magicking!
Tom: <Akane> Too much accomplishment. Jadeite, you suck.
Mike: <Jadeite> Aww...
Tom: <Akane> Good, *now* you have no self-esteem.

>The worst part was that, other than the aforementioned teleport spell
>information, the woman either didn't know, or wasn't willing to tell,
>anything that was useful to him.

Crow: <Jadeite> Can't you even give me the weather report for the next
two days? It's not like I'm asking for "Game of Thrones" spoilers.

>Granted, the information she had wanted wasn't terribly valuable to
>him, though she seemed very pleased by it, and he had gotten basic
>rundowns on the most major threats in the area, but the feeling that
>he'd lost far more than he'd gained would not go away.

Tom: The more the plot goes by, the more that Jadeite thinks he's
missed.
Mike: Yeah, I can grok that.

>At least, he thought it was likely that there weren't any magical
>girls in the area, with the exception, as Cologne had so eloquently
>put it, of Ranma, and her great granddaughter, who apparently turned
>into a cat.

Crow: Cologne had NO idea that Shampoo's power would be so viral in
the second decade of the 2000s.
Tom: <Shampoo> I'm the queen of Imgur!

>"Oh, hello Jadeite-san, how was your day?" Kasumi Tendo asked, from
>the kitchen, and looking noticeably startled.

Mike: <Jadeite> Nothing happened and things remained uncombusted. It
was lame.
Crow: <Kasumi> Sounds like my senior year of high school.

>Jadeite just nodded and smiled at her noncommittally, and was heading
>through the living room on the way to the Dojo when he heard two
>voices call out "We're home!"

Mike: Jadeite's so proud, Kasumi taught him how to make ramen today
and he can't wait to show everyone.

>One was Akane Tendo's, and she sounded rather amused, while the other
>was Ranma's female form's, and she definitely did not. Turning as he
>was about to exit into the side yard, the dark general blinked at
>what he saw.

Tom: <Jadeite> A... a gate! I have no clue how to go through one of
these! Dammit, I'm still stuck here!

>Akane was relatively normal, save the fact that one of her uniform's
>sleeves was a little scorched, and she had a bandage on her arm.
>Ranma, on the other hand, looked rather unusual, having apparently
>acquired a set of canine ears on top of her head.

Mike: <Ranma> There were these... zoo animals running past... large
rat... huge turtles with weapons... next thing I know, I've got neon-
green gunk on me...

>Her hair had also grown down to the base of her back and turned a few
>shades lighter, almost pink.

Crow: My Little Werewolf will be back right after these messages...
Tom: <Jadeite> That's... it? I was expecting hair, lots of hair!
Battle fangs dripping with poison! A huge furry tail, hackles as
high as a roof, and bad dog odor!

>To top off the strange changes, her finger nails, on the one hand
>that wasn't clenched into a fist, were rather long.

Tom: Ah yes, the sure sign of female demonic possession, freakishly
long fingernails!
Crow: She'll scratch your eyes out...from a distance!

>Everyone went silent for a moment, only one exclamation of "Oh, my,"
>coming from Kasumi, before Nodoka exploded up from her seat at the
>dining table and flung herself at her child, crying as though she
>were Soun.

Mike: <Nodoka> Oh no! The author made you CUTE! Now you'll never be
taken seriously!
Tom: We bought a pneumatic catapult and dammit, we're going to use it!

>"Oh no, my baby!" she exclaimed. "This is why I always wanted you to
>be manly!

Mike: So, if he was more manly, his wolf form would protect him from
the senshi... HOW exactly?
Crow: By marking more territory, making the Senshi pause before
chasing.
Mike: <Dr. Evil> Rrrright.

>I don't want the Senshi to throw an evil Glowing Frisbee of Death at
>you!"

Tom: Jadeite just put his head in his hands, shaking it slowly.
Crow: <Ranma> Relax, mom. This isn't a TRON crossover.

>Ranma blinked several times, before looking over at Akane, who just
>shrugged back at her, helplessly. "Um, Mom, it's okay?" She said,
>hugging the woman back and patting her gently.

Tom: <Ranma> The authors will never run out of prologues, I won't be
in any real danger.

>END.

Crow: YES.
Mike: But there's so many threads unresolved, what with Gosunkugi
disappearing, Kuno's odd new spiritual powers....
Tom: Akane's sudden competence in a fanfic, Nodoka's role in the new
world order if Jadeite ever gets off his butt to start it...

>Note: A lot of our fics work under the concept that Nerima, and its
>residents including Ranma and his friends, aren't nearly as prone to
>taking everything as it comes as they actually are in the Manga.

Crow: But for this fic, they decided to make an exception.

>If you're wondering why this fic's still mostly light in spite of
>Ranma mutating into a wolf creature, just watch/read the series.
>These people barely batted an eye at Mousse taking a giant Tanuki
>statue on a date.

Mike: The tanuki statue was more energetic than Jadeite.

>The more laid back Nerima's easier for this fic to take place in, and
>things will eventually get a bit more dramatic, maybe... possibly...
>okay, we're lying.

Tom: The fic will continue to be duller than a Harrison Ford
interview.
Crow: Conflict? Reader's avatar, or even a reader's advocate? Who
needs 'em?
Mike: Hey guys, up for some decorating?

[Mike picks up Tom as he and Crow depart the theater]

---Satellite of Love

The bridge of the Satellite of Love was even more cluttered than
usual. The walls, typically filled with bric-a-brack, had marks of
all colors and sizes. The counter looked like a rainbow had mugged it
and failed to find money. Mike's jumpsuit had paint all over the
front, and Tom and Crow were similarly colored.

"So this is how you're supposed to decorate in order to do a
teleport spell, right?" Mike asked. "I've been putting these up all
day long and I still haven't figured where to put them!"

"Runes are serious business, Mike," Crow remarked. "Maybe they need
to be more chartreuse?"

"Hahaha!" Tom chortled. "You just don't understand how to place
runes! It just takes a keen eye to figure these things out! I
figured out how to make fire!"

Crow shook his head as Mike looked around frantically. "Fire?
That's even worse than being stuck up here, Tom! Put it out! Where'd
you stick them?"

Tom attempted to shrug as best as possible. "They're under the
counter."

Mike bent down and looked. He pulled something out from under the
counter and put it up on the counter. "See? Look at that hot stuff!"
Tom remarked. Mike sighed and turned off the hot plate.

"What do you think, sirs?"


---Deep Thirteen

"We're branching out, Frank! Remember that experiment that I ran on
you a while back..."

Frank looked at Dr. F warily. "The one that replaced my blood with
radiator fluid?"

"No, patsy, the one that made you so dizzy and messed up that you
couldn't speak coherent English for an entire week."

"Ohhh, when you forced me to watch 'E!' for a week without sleep....
it wasn't so bad through day two, but I thought that the walls were
crawling with fanged Kardashians for a month..." Frank reminisced. As
the realization hit, he grimaced quickly. "Uhh, why Dr. F?" Frank
asked darkly.

"Because our picture service is so successful, we need to garble the
instructions too!" Dr. F replied. "How incoherent can I make you?"

"Eep?" Frank squeaked as he pushed the button.

--FWOOSH!--

o/~ "Na na na-a-ah, na na, na NA na...."

All comments and criticism about this MST will be gratefully
appreciated and accepted at:
zoogz@yahoo.com
megane67@rogers.com
Follow us on Twitter at (@ZoogzMST) (@MSTerMegane67)

My deepest thanks to my coauthor, Megane 6.7, who as always provides
terrific riffs, host segment ideas, motivation, editing and
formatting, and an ear to bend. His and my MSTings are all available
at:

http://www.nabiki.com/mst

Recently, Megane 6.7 and I collaborated on both a new MSTing that he
wrote called "A Date with Fate", as well as a Let's Play featuring
humorous commentary on the game "Witch Night". All this and more can
be accessed at the recent projects page at A Msting for All Seasons,
which is at

http://www.nabiki.com/mst/recent

Megane 6.7 and I post reviews, articles, and other stuff on our blog
at:

mstings.blogspot.com

Lastly, Megane 6.7 and I would like to extend another thanks to the
authors, Weebee and Jonakhensu, who graciously allowed permission for
us to crack jokes about their story. As well, Weebee provided some
last-minute assistance and editing work with this very MSTing, for
which I thank you! More of this 'fic can be found at:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6241559/1/Help-Wanted

Check out www.fanfiction.net for their other works!

Thanks for reading!

Special Thanks:
Teachers of America
The Authors of the First Amendment
American Cancer Society
Cast and Crew of MST3k


>Soun Tendo, who had been trying to ignore this whole scene, grunted
>and nodded.


Keep Circulating the Fanfics....