Sailor Moon Fan Fiction / Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction ❯ Polarity ❯ Chain Reaction ( Chapter 12 )
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
In all the times it had been released before it had never felt so right, so free, so balanced. Before it had been trapped in that stupid monkey shell, but now it was at home. Yes, this body was much larger and more powerful then it was used to, but what did that matter?
This time it was free, and it wasn't about to let that stupid monkey have his body back.
The white tiger bounded down the street, it's red stripes almost glowing in the twilight as it sprinted a short way and took a pounce, landing hard on the front of a yellow sports car that was just turning onto the street. The front end crumpled and screams could be heard from inside.
The massive creature sniffed the air again and coiled its legs, springing away again to land on the roof of a nearby convenience store. Out of the car scrambled two people.
“Oh my god,” Haruka cried as she knelt next to the destroyed front of her prized Ferrari, “look what that thing did to my car!”
A white faced Michiru almost shouted back, “Forget your car! It could have killed US!”
Suddenly four sailor suited defenders of Love and Justice landed by them, breathing hard and ran over.
Moon almost collapsed on the ground next to them, but managed to get out, “Which way did he go?”
An equally panting Saturn pointed to the front of the car, then across the street to a savaged store sign. There were more screeching tires and crashes of glass heard in the distance as well as another roar.
“Oh, never mind,” the Senshi leader said flatly as the four began running again.
Michiru watched as her teammates dashed off, looks of extreme worry on their faces.
“We should go after them,” she said as she collected herself. “That creature may be a new enemy monster.”
Haruka stood; a look of fury on her face, “Screw the enemy! I want that guy's insurance information!”
Polarity
By Seth
Chapter 12
Chain Reaction
Note: Ranma and Sailor Moon are owned by their respective creators and distributors. I use them without permission or gain, but with respect to the work done before me.
Uranus and Neptune quickly caught up to the other Senshi and fell into formation as the group bounded over the rooftops.
Neptune moved to Sailor Pluto's side and asked, “What is that thing, one of War's creatures?”
“No,” the Time Guardian answered, “It's Sailor Polaris.”
“What?!”
Sailor Jupiter called back, “Something went wrong with his powers. When he transformed there was a blast of bad juju and he went all beastie on us. I think it's some kind of berserker state, but we'll have to catch him to find out.”
“Catch him, nothing,” growled Uranus, “did you see what he did to my car?!”
Saturn took a deep breath and managed to get out, “Then you'll love what happened in the living room.”
Neptune was about to question further when an explosion was heard up ahead and Sailor Moon commanded, “Less talk, more run! We have to help him before he hurts himself or someone else!”
Ahead of them the tiger was enjoying its night. Hopping between the massive square stones and chasing the little metal boxes. It had been so much fun, but all the while it had felt the presence of several people chasing it. It knew some of their scents, they were from the place where it had woken up, but more joined them.
Were they friend or foe? It wasn't sure, but maybe it would be interesting to find out. Either way it would have some fun playing with them.
**********
Rei awoke with a start. It had been a nightmare, a crawling darkness that was devouring everything it touched. The sensation was sickening to her, and even now in a wakeful stat she could still feel it.
Closing her eyes again she began a ritual of cleaning her mind, expanding her awareness. Normally her meditations were done in front of the sacred fire, but a sense of urgency gripped her heart tonight.
There, on the edge of her perceptions. It was a taint she had felt before when the Senshi had battled the cloaked sorceress, Famine. And now it had returned.
Sitting up, Rei turned to face the downtown area of the city, and even through her walls she could almost taste the evil in that direction.
The young shrine maiden reached over to her night stand and grabbed an ornate watch. Flipping its cover open she tapped a button and after only a few moments the watch face became a tiny screen with the disheveled blue hair of a sleepy Ami Mizuno filling it.
“It's almost midnight Rei,” Ami said softly, “please tell me this isn't trouble.”
Rei sighed, “Sorry Ami, but I think the enemy is back. I can almost feel her right now. Do you think you can scan for her while I call the others?”
“Yeah…yeah, I'll take care of it,” the young genius said as she started groping around for her Mercury Computer. “I'm starting to understand why Usagi sleeps in class so much. Being a super hero does not make for a good night's sleep.”
The connection closed and Rei pressed another button, fully expecting a long pause before anyone answered.
Almost immediately a blond, pony tailed head appeared, “What's up, Rei?”
After a moment of shock she answered, “Apparently you are. What are you doing up so late?”
“Trying to help a friend,” Sailor Moon said.
In the tiny screen Rei could not make out much detail, but she could tell there was movement, a great deal of it. Shaking her head Rei focused back on her mission.
“Famine may be back. I can feel her, and Ami is scanning for her now.”
There was a long pause and then Usagi said, “All right, I'm sending the Outers to back you up. Get Minako and meet up. Jupiter and I will catch up as soon as we can.”
Rei blinked, “Wait, what? What's going on?”
In the background Rei heard Uranus' voice, “No way. What about my car?”
Moon looked over her shoulder, “We'll deal with that later.” Speaking into the communicator again Moon said, “Get Ami and Minako and meet the Outers downtown. Moon out.”
Confused, Rei reached for her transformation wand, “What is she up too?”
**********
“That thing is on a rampage and you want to split us up?!”
Moon almost cringed back from Uranus' shout but managed to hold her ground, “The more of us chasing Ranma around right now the more spooked he's going to get. Besides if War or Famine are back then they need to be dealt with.”
The taller blond leaned over her leader, “Fine then. Pick one to focus on. We have two threats that need to be put down.”
“NO!”
Jupiter and Saturn had shouted at the same time and Jupiter continued, “You even try and harm him and, teammate or not, I'll put YOU down.”
“Enough,” said Pluto with authority, “the Princess has given her orders. Saturn, Neptune, Uranus, we will aid our comrades.”
The sandy blond was going to argue again, but saw the look in her adoptive daughter's eyes and her heart almost stopped. There was fury in those deep purple orbs, and it was directed right at her. Uranus relented as a knot grew in her stomach, and she turned to move out towards the downtown area.
Turning back to the Princess for a moment, Pluto asked, “Do you think you and Jupiter will be able to stop him?”
Sailor moon looked down for a moment and let out a deep sigh. She didn't look up, but squared her shoulders and quietly spoke.
“It's risky, and I'm not really sure it will work, but I have to try. I have to try and trigger another awakening in him, and hopefully Makoto will be able to reach out to him.”
Pluto frowned, “Trigger another awakening…You're going to attempt to use the Crystal? You could endanger yourself.”
Sailor Moon shook her head and looked up, “I don't think so. But even if I was, it wouldn't matter. He is our friend, and a Senshi. We take risks for each other every day, because we are family.”
With that she turned and ran off in the direction of the white tiger's rampage. Jupiter a step behind her, but pausing for a moment.
“I'll bring them BOTH back, Pluto. I promise.”
With that she followed quickly after the blond and the two Senshi bounded up to the rooftops once more to track down their wayward friend. The path was still easy to follow and soon led out of the more heavily populated areas and into the suburbs. As buildings grew smaller and wooded areas grew more numerous the destruction seemed to lessen.
Coming to a halt in the middle of a deserted intersection, Sailor Moon looked around, trying to find some clue as to where the large cat disappeared to.
“Something's out of place,” Sailor Jupiter said. “The trail was not so bad for a while there, and then it picked up again. It was like he calmed down for a minute, and then went bonkers again. Now there's nothing.”
Moon looked up at her warrior teammate and nodded, “I was worried for a second that we lost him, but then it got clear again. I guess we're lucky…if chasing a crazy giant tiger can be called lucky. Now we just need to find…” She trailed off as she saw her brunette friend's eyes go wide.
“You were worried that we lost the trail then it got clear again. Now it's a dead end. He's playing with us…he's stalking us!” Jupiter spun in place, her eyes scanning quickly, but her reaction alerted the tiger that she was aware of his tactic.
Springing out from the shrubbery of one of the houses at the intersection, the white tiger cleared the distance in a heartbeat, but it was enough for the two young heroes to dodge out of the way.
His feline instincts were singing as he turned on his pray, ready to play.
**********
Luna and Artemis hid on a rooftop as Sailor Venus led a desperate charge against the horde of enemy creatures. A dozen of the brown imps were commanded by Famine and had been awaiting the arrival of the Senshi. The three Inners had taken stock of the situation quickly, and Mercury had held back, her visor down and scanning as her long haired teammates made the initial assault.
It had shocked the two cats when they saw Sailor Mar's first strike, a fully charged Flame Sniper dissipate against the lead creature leaving only a small scorch as the only indication of damage.
“This is bad,” the white furred Mao said to his longtime partner as the two cats watched the fight. “That was Rei's best shot. They may not be able to take them out individually.”
Luna frowned, “They are out numbered. All we can do is hope they can stall long enough for the Outers to get here.” She paused then continued, “What is Usagi thinking, splitting up the team like this?”
“She won't let a friend go,” Artemis countered, “even if she has only known him a moment. If this new Polaris is really in trouble, you don't think she would ever stop trying to help him, do you?”
The blue-black Mao looked down, “No, I guess not. It's her greatest strength. But at times like this it can be her greatest weakness. We need all the power we can muster here to fight these monsters.”
Below, Mercury watched as another of Mar's attacks did almost no damage to the creatures. Sailor Venus was doing slightly better, wielding her Love-Me Chain as a whip. The two girls in front of her were being overwhelmed and without hesitation the blue haired girl put away her computer and let out a torrent of water magic.
“Shine Aqua Illusion!”
The blast impacted another of the creatures and pushed it back a few feet, but did no other damage.
Her eyes darting back and forth over the readout on the inside of her visor, Mercury saw a graph of power usage, a chart of elemental forces, listings of compounds the scanner had detected in the monster's skin, and a small playback of the attack that showed mana dissipation on the creature. Taking all this in an instant the genius of the Senshi formed and discarded a dozen hypotheses. But one fact connected all her findings.
She shouted out, “They are almost immune to elemental magic! Our attacks are useless!”
Sailor Venus yelled back, “It doesn't matter, we have to stop them! The Outers will get here soon, I just know it. Then we can really push these things back.”
“Until then,” Mars said, “We make due with what we have.” She flicked her wrist and a dozen of her specially prepared spirit wards were in her hand. Focusing her mind she charged them with energy and shot forward to engage the monsters at close range. Ducking and weaving through the attackers she left one of the wards on each of the creatures.
Her hands flashed through a series of signs as she began a low chant. Once the mudras were complete she released the coiled spirit energies in the paper slips as well as the prayers contained within. Instantly there was a reaction, jolting each of the creatures and stunning them for a moment.
Quickly the Senshi acted, closing in and using their limited hand to hand skills to get as much damage in as they could on the helpless foes. The moment did not last however, and as the creatures started moving again much to the dismay of the three warrior girls.
As the imps began to move once more the three of them fell back and readied another attack. Before the monsters could charge them an orb of power shot past them and impacted with the lead creature. Moving swiftly the Outer Senshi fell into formation with their teammates.
“What took you so long?” Venus asked with a grunt.
Uranus growled back, “A giant tiger wrecked my car.”
“Sure, right, that's likely.”
“I'm telling the truth. A giant tiger apparently blew up our living room and then crumpled the front of my car,” Uranus said, almost shouting in frustration.
“Take your anger out on the enemy,” Sailor Saturn said as she dropped into a combat stance, her weapon pointing at the advancing horde. The creatures approached at a slow pace, but soon began to run, and then the Senshi were among them, and the chaos of battle swallowed them.
**********
Jupiter rolled out of the way as the tiger swiped at her once more. Only her enhanced agility kept her out of reach of the beast's claws, but she knew that she was pulling hard on her reserve energy.
But even though she was slowing, the tiger had yet to make contact with her.
It was playing with them, and the brunette was using this to try and find a way past the animal and to the young man inside.
“Quit it, Ranma,” she yelled, “there are lives at stake here and this is no time to be goofing around!”
Sailor Moon was scrambling out of the way of the tiger's next pounce when she called out, “It's like something is blocking out the part of him that would recognize us. We have to get him to calm down,” she rolled out of the way as the beast ran by her, “and SIT STILL!”
Sailor Jupiter evaded once more as the fighter in her evaluated her limited options. Spinning on her heel she called on her power and raised the antenna built into her tiara. A charge began to form and she locked eyes on the transformed Polaris.
The beast looked back at her and the fur on the back of its neck rose up as it felt a threat. Reacting quickly it charged, attempting to take down the girl. Jupiter did not resist as the tiger pounced, and let her body go slack as the animal hit letting her magical armor absorb the impact she brought her hands up to the sides of the tiger's head.
She heard her Princess cry out her name, but her focus was not on that. She ignored the pain of the attack and the danger she now found herself in. Instead her sole focus was on the spell building up within her. The smallest waver and she would fail.
“Now,” she whispered and released a precise change through her hands.
The pulse of magic lightning went from one hand to the other, but the tiger between them completed the circuit and with a groan the great beast fell to the ground.
Running up, Sailor Moon fell to her knees and checked her friend, “Jupiter! Are you all right?”
Under the weight of the great cat the lightning Senshi answered, “Yeah, I'm ok. I'm glad that worked.”
“What did you do?”
Jupiter answered, “I hit him with a low power version of my Supreme Thunder. It's like a stun gun, but I've never tried it before now. Is the big guy all right?”
Moon looked over the animal, with a little hesitation, and nodded, “I think so. He's still breathing at least. Can you move?”
“Yeah,” the brunette answered and slid out from underneath the great cat until only its head was resting in her lap. “So what now?”
“Now comes the hard part,” Moon said as she began to concentrate. Soon a light shone from her chest as the Silver Crystal removed itself from her broach and floated between her hands. “I'm going to try and open a connection between you and Ranma. You have to try and wake him up.”
“Why me?”
The Princess frowned, her eyes closed in concentration, “I can feel them, the threads of magic. His Star Seed and the Chaos are all pulling against each other and if I don't keep them balanced it could rip him apart. It almost feels like what…what Wiseman did to Chibi-Usa…”
Jupiter looked up at this, remembering the turmoil Usagi had gone through when her daughter from the future was taken and transformed. They had gotten the young girl back, but some of the scars on Usagi's heart were still healing even today. Jupiter wondered if she had that kind of strength, and doubt crept into her soul.
Suddenly it was gone as she felt her friend's hand on her own.
She looked up and saw the Princess' smiling face and her heart grew warm again as her leader and friend said four simple words.
“I believe in you.”
With that Jupiter opened her mind and her heart to the crystal and in a flash her world went dark.
**********
She walked in the dark, unsure of her direction, but knew that it was the right path. Her boots tapped lightly on the unseen floor, and she knew from the tone of the steps she was walking on wood.
Then there was light, and Makoto looked up to see that she was in an enormous dojo. Scrolls by the hundreds lined the walls showing martial arts stances, techniques and even ideologies. The floor was well worn, but cared for.
She moved further into the dojo, but stopped as she approached the center. Half the room was blocked off by a transparent wall that rippled lightly in the non-existent breeze. Before the liquid like wall stood a statue, and it drew the Senshi's attention.
It was a statue of Ranma, but it was cracked and weighed down in heavy chains. Some of the chains had been pried off she saw, and were piled on the floor around its base. Whoever had gotten them off had done a poor job, however, and there were obvious scars from the broken chain's removal.
Looking around again she saw beyond the water wall was another statue and let out a gasp. It was hard to see through the water, but she could still tell that it was a female figure wearing identical clothes to the male Ranma statue. She also saw that the face was a perfect match for the person she had fallen in love with near the end of her previous life.
She walked towards it, hoping to get a better look, and was about to push through the barrier when a childlike voice called out.
“Don't!”
Jupiter turned and saw a small boy, no more then five or six. He looked like hell, dirty, underfed and beaten, but it was the fear in his eyes that stopped the lightning Senshi.
She asked softly, “Why not? I think my friend is over there, and I'm trying to rescue her.”
“The water takes your soul,” the boy answers with a whimper. “My daddy said that what's over there makes you weak, and that I'd be better off dead. I don't like my daddy much, but if I don't listen to him he hits me. The last time he even put…that in here.”
The last was said in a terrified whisper, and Makoto looked over to the shadowed corner where another statue stood. This third statue was of a group of cats, claws out and teeth showing, clawing into something. The brunette looked closer and saw that the huddled figure in the middle of the arrangement was identical to the beaten boy behind her.
“Daddy said it would make me stronger,” the boy said with tears in his eyes as he came in and clutched onto Makoto's leg, “but I just want it to go away.”
The girl knelt down so that she could hug the frightened boy. At first he shied away from it, but after a moment he almost melted into the warm embrace. After a moment she looked around again, still holding the boy, and saw something odd up near the ceiling of the room.
Between the two statues on this side of the barrier there was a tendril of water reaching out. At it's end was a clear shape, and it was one she recognized, A Star Seed.
Following the tendril with her eyes Makoto saw that it led back to the water, and beyond it in the closed off half of the room was another shape in the air, another Star Seed. But unlike the one on this half of the room, the Seed was a solid construct not made of water.
She looked deeper into the blocked room and saw a fourth statue hidden from view. Its outline was as female as the other trapped statue, but Makoto was unable to make it out clearly, but she could guess what it was.
Sailor Jupiter was not the smartest of the Senshi, or the wisest, but she understood instinct well. Hers was that of a fighter, and a caregiver, and right now it was guiding her in this strange world. She realized that it was all metaphor and illusion, that everything around her was an aspect of Ranma's life.
She drew on the tale that the boy had told them, sifting through the incredible story to find parallels in this room and began to make a few assumptions. It wasn't enough to guess, however. She needed confirmation.
Taking the boy by the shoulders she gently made him look up at her and spoke softly.
“You're Ranma, right?” The boy nodded and she continued, “And those cats are the Neko-ken you told us about?” There was a long pause, but finally the boy nodded. His eyes were watering, but Makoto pressed on. Pointing at the translucent wall between the two halves of the dojo she stated plainly, “And that's the Jusenkyo curse.”
Makoto stood, letting the boy hold her hand as she puzzled out the meaning of the room. Ranma's male aspect was bound in chains, some broken. He was being threatened by the cats that had attacked him during the traumatic training he had undergone so long ago. Behind the wall of Jusenkyo water was Ranma's female aspect, along with the Star Seed and probably the hidden power of Polaris. The Chaos of Jusenkyo was mirroring Ranma's form, but in doing so had somehow taken the Seed.
Looking up at the watery crystal above her she figured that it was the curse's halfhearted way of balancing things out, by creating a doppelganger of the Star Seed and corrupting the cosmic power within.
“Big problem,” she muttered. Glancing down at the boy she continued, “deal with the little problems first.” Kneeling again she spoke, “I'm going to help you, but we need to work together, all right?”
The boy nodded and she led him over to the statues of cats attacking. As she got closer she saw that the boy in the middle of the tableau was the same as the one holding on to her, and an idea formed in her mind. It was crazy, and probably stupid, but everything here was metaphoric, so why not help in a metaphoric way.
She let go of the suddenly nervous boy's hand and walked into the display, kneeling and wrapping her arms around the boy's statue.
“I will protect you,” she said quietly, and was swallowed by the memory.
Instantly there was white pain as cats clawed her back, tearing into her uniform back, but the Senshi refused to move, guarding the boy beneath her with her very life.
Young Ranma cried out, “No! They'll kill you!”
She glanced down and saw the boy moving in her arms, “They won't, as long as you stop them. They are a part of you, if you can stop your fear you can stop them.” It was getting hard to talk as the cats circled her, their claws and teeth sinking into flesh.
“Why are you helping me?” the boy whimpered.
Makoto smiled through the pain, “Two reasons. It's a Senshi's duty to help those in need…and I love you.”
Ranma's eyes went wide at this, but any response he would have had was drowned out as the girl above him screamed in pain as a large white tiger took the place of the smaller cats. He could almost feel his fear trying harder to get past this new defense, and he didn't know how long the brunette above him could hold out.
“no…No…NO!”
With a shout and a burst of energy, Ranma was past the weakened Senshi and charged headlong at the tiger. Fear clawed at him, literally, as the two engaged in battle. But Ranma could not afford to be afraid. With a deft uppercut he moved in and began breaking down the beast defense.
“I won't let you hurt her,” he shouted as preteen hands replaced the child's hands, “I won't let you hurt anyone! I'm tired of losing control to you, of being nothing more then an animal!” A teenage foot connected with the tiger's jaw and sent the great animal reeling. “From now on you'll never get the chance again! You may be my fear, but I'm not going to be afraid of you ever again! This is my mind, and I'm in control here.”
Finally, running out of breath, Ranma came to a halt and looked down at the tiger. It was kneeling in submission before him and the young man felt a great deal of satisfaction. But it didn't last as he turned to check on his fallen savior. Makoto was torn up badly, but as he ran to her the wounds began to heal in seconds.
The brunette stood and gave the worried martial artist a big smile and pulled him into a hug.
“I knew you could do it,” she said. There was no response and she glanced at Ranma to see he had nervously stiffened at her contact. She let out a chuckle and said, “So you can beat up the big bad kitty cat, but a girl giving you a hug sends you into a panic? Some defender of love and justice you'll be.”
“Hey,” Ranma countered intelligently as he got out of the hug, but didn't let go of Makoto's hand, “I'll have you know that for me affectionate girls are a hell of a lot more dangerous then some feline.”
The two of them laughed and smiled at each other. For Makoto it was like picking up where they had left off, as best of friends who had become closer through overcoming adversity. For Ranma it was like having a dream, and then waking to find that the dream had become real.
They looked around then and saw that the dojo had changed slightly. On the far side of the Jusenkyo barrier Ranma's Star Seed floated closer to the floor, directly between the statue of Ranma's female aspect and the still hidden form. The shadows were receding however, and they could make out the glint of light on metal.
On their side of the water wall the statues of cats attacking the boy Ranma had been replaced. Now there stood a statue of the great white tiger. Between it and the statue of Ranma's male aspect floated the faux Star Seed created by the Chaos of Jusenkyo.
Jupiter turned to Ranma and found that they were eye to eye. She felt herself blush at the lively sparkle in those blue orbs, but still managed to speak.
“Are you going to be alright now?”
“I think so,” Ranma said, one hand rubbing the back of his neck. “I feel…I don't know…balanced.”
Jupiter nodded, and began to feel a pull.
“I guess it's time to go back to the real world. See you in a second.”
“Wait,” Ranma said in a rush. “Before you go…”
He stepped forward and cupped her cheeks, now burning in his hands, and leaned in to give her a gentle kiss.
Stepping back again, far too soon in Makoto's opinion, he blushed and stammered out, “I don't know if I'd be able to do that out there yet.”
They smiled at each other as the light came up and swallowed them both.
**********
They were in a bad spot and they knew it. The Inner Senshi were not really balanced towards hand to hand combat, and the numbers they faced gave an advantage to their enemy. The only spells that worked against the creatures were Pluto's Dead Scream and Saturn's Silence Wall, and they could not keep up a constant barrage to hold back the attack.
Mars and Uranus had engaged with their skills, but seeing them as a threat the horde had doubled up on them, forcing them to fight defensively. Venus and Neptune did their best, but were quickly being driven back. Saturn had been running on empty for the last few minutes, and was now being guarded by an overwhelmed Mercury. And even Pluto was unable to block all the attacks coming at her.
Seven Senshi against twelve monsters, it normally would be an even fight. But right now the Senshi knew they were holding on by a thread, and Famine had yet to enter the fray.
Suddenly there was a deafening roar and a white comet blazed down into the battle. It sent one monster flying as the brown imp was knocked thirty feet into the air. The other creatures backed off, giving the form room as it turned on the rest of them.
Sailor Moon sat behind Sailor Jupiter, gripping onto the taller girl with eyes squeezed closed from rapid acceleration changes. Jupiter however had a large smirk on her face.
They rode on the back of an armored white tiger, spun copper almost glowing in the pre dawn light. Armor plates covered its forelegs and shoulders, a segmented and reinforced arrangement covered its back, and a light helm sat on its feline head with a circle with a line through the middle engraved into it.
It let out another roar, making the horde fall back a few more feet, and knelt low to the ground. Jupiter slid off, and helped a wobbly Moon to the ground.
“I never want to travel like that again,” groaned the blond as she bent over, gripping her knees.
A deep chuckle came from the cat, and much to the surprise of the other Senshi it spoke in a deep, growling male voice, “You wanted to get here fast. Roof hopping is as fast as it gets.” The beast then stood again and shifted its shoulders as if popping his neck.
“Now then,” the armored tiger continued, turning towards the regrouping creatures, “you can call me Saber Polaris. And in the name of Polaris…I'm gonna bury you.”
To be continued…
Endnote: Yeah, yeah, I need to write more then a few paragraphs a day. Sigh. Anyway, I'm going to keep cracking at this and hopefully you'll stay with me. Next time…MORTAL KOMBAT! Until then, (THIS WITTY ENDING HAS BEEN APPROPRIATED BY THE F.C.C. FOR BEING TOO FUNNY).