Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ Archives of Insanity ❯ Oh My God! I'm A Woman! ( Chapter 3 )

Advena: Hello and welcome to Archives of Insanity! I'm your host (slaps hand over

Risu's mouth) Advena.

 

Risu: (mumbles)

 

Advena: I'm sorry. Could you repeat that?

 

Kioko: (walks in) Repeat what?

 

Risu: (innocently) Nothing…

 

Kioko: Alright, what did you do?

 

Risu: Nothing!

 

Kioko: Liar! You were antagonizing Advena again weren't you?

 

Risu: No I wasn't!

 

(Kioko attacks Risu and Risu pulls out an Advena shaped plushy, which Kioko hits. Advena then attacks Kioko.)

 

Kioko: Ow! What was that for?

 

Advena: You hit the plushy!

 

(Risu laughs evilly and hops out the window, realizing too late that she grabbed the Advena doll and not the parachute.)

 

Risu: (sweatdrop) Aaaaaaah! (THUD!)

 

(Risu looks at whom she landed on and somehow scrambles up the wall and climbs in through the studio window, screaming the whole time.)

 

Sapphire: What's the matter Risu?

 

Risu: T-T-T

 

Advena: C'mon! Spit it out!

 

Tuxedo Mask: (walks in through the door) There's no need to be rude Advena.

 

Advena: (gapes)

 

Kioko: H-h-how?

 

Sapphire: (groans) Please don't get him started. I had to work with him for a whole

Season, so trust me on this ok?

 

Risu: (puts a hand on his shoulder) I feel so sorry for you.

 

Advena: That must have been horrible!

 

Sapphire: You have no idea.

 

Tuxedo mask: Hey! That wasn't nice!

 

Sapphire: You're not my conscience you baka!

 

Tuxedo Mask: Apologize!

 

Sapphire: Not a chance in Hell! Now go away!

 

(Sapphire pushes Tuxedo Mask out the door causing him to trip on his cape and tumble down the stairs. -That's a lot of stairs folks! *giggle*-)

 

Sapphire: (shutting the door) So, what's today's story? (noticing that everyone is staring at him) What? He was getting on my nerves?

 

Risu: I had no idea you had it in you…

 

Kioko: Me neither…

 

Advena: (snaps out of it and looks around) Where's the book?

 

Risu: It's the only book on the bookshelf. It can't be that hard to spot.

 

Kioko: (smacks Risu on the back of the head) Stop it!

 

Advena: No, seriously. Where is the book?

 

Risu: I told you- (looks at the bookshelf) where is the book?

 

(They search the studio and turn up nothing, with the exception of the furniture.)

 

Advena: Where could it be?

 

Risu: (picks up the parachute and the book falls out) Found it. It was in the parachute. (hands the book to Advena)

 

Advena: Thank you. Today's story is called Oh My God! I'm a Woman!

 

Kioko: Why is it called that?

 

Risu: Why do you ask stupid questions?

 

Advena: (raises an eyebrow at them and opens the book) Huh?

 

Sapphire: What?

 

Advena: It says “Thank you Chibi Pyro Duo for your idea. Only half is used, but the rest is being taken under consideration for a later chapter.”

 

Risu: Why?

 

Advena: Oh…the story…

 

Risu: What?

 

Advena: Nevermind.

 

~*~

 

Heero shoved Relena into an escape pod and launched it. “Heero!' Relena screamed as he shrank away. Heero raced to the launch deck and climbed into Wing Zero and launched himself. When he entered the battle the other Gundams were already engaged in combat. Heero cut down a doll that was preparing to attack Sandrock from behind.

“Thanks.” Quatra said over the radio. “Relena!” Heero turned and saw a small army of dolls preparing to attack her escape pod. He flew over, followed by Wufei in Nataku and Trowa in Heavy Arms.

“They sure are set on killing Relena aren't they?” Trowa asked quietly. Heero just grunted in reply.

“Why am I even defending this weak onna?” Wufei muttered hotly. “What in the world are they doing?”

The dolls retreated back and formed a large group. “7…6…5…4…” a loud computerized voice said answering his question.

“Shit!” Wufei cursed and Heero automatically shielded Relena's pod.

“3…2…1” A huge explosion ensued and the four of them were thrown backwards into a black hole they had been studying.

“Shit!” Wufei said even louder.

 

~ The Sailor Moon Dimension ~

 

“Heero…. Heero!” Heero opened his eyes and found himself looking at Relena. He jumped up and looked around. Where am I? He thought. Trowa and Wufei were just coming to.

“Aaah!” Came the scream from Wufei. The other three turned to look at him. He was… “I'm an onna!” Trowa smirked at this. “What are you smirking at? You are too you baka!” Trowa looked at himself and fainted. He was a woman. Unfortunately, Heero found he was as well when he looked at himself. They were all wearing tiny leather shorts, bikini-like leather tops, long leather gloves, and thigh-length leather boots.

“Fight! Healer! Maker!” A blonde with her hair in odangos shouted as she ran up. “Are you alright?” Four other young women came up behind her. One had long blonde hair back partially in a red bow, another had short blue hair, a third had long raven hair, and the fourth had long brown hair pulled up into a high ponytail.

“ I'm a weak onna! Of course I'm not alright!” The girls gave Wufei a strange look.

“Weak onna?” the raven-haired girl shrieked.

“Calm down Mars.” The brunette said.

Trowa sat up, “Maker! Are you alright?” The blue haired one asked.

“Who am I?”

*THUD! * “What a convenient time to lose your memory!” Wufei growled.

“Princess Kakyuu! Are you alright?” Odango girl asked noticing Relena for the first time.

“Um…Kakyuu? Who's Kakyuu?” Relena Asked.

“You silly!”

“But my name is Relena. I can't be Kakyuu!”

“Who are you people?” Heero asked coldly.

“ I'm Sailor Venus. That's Jupiter, Mars, Mercury, and Sailor Moon.” Venus stated pointing to each in turn.

“This is all a bad dream. A very bad dream.” Wufei tried to convince himself.

“What's the matter Healer?” Moon asked.

“I'm not this Healer person!” Moon put her hand on his…her…aargh! Screw it! Moon put her hand on Wufei's forehead. “What are you doing onna?”

“I'm checking your temperature.”

“I'm not sick!” Wufei slapped her hand away.

“Hey! That was rude!' Jupiter yelled.

“Heheheh. Look at the little twits arguing amongst themselves.”

Everyone turned around and saw… “Who're you?” Jupiter asked.

“To protect the world from devastation.”

“To unite all peoples within or nation.”

“To denounce the evils of truth and love.”

“To extend our reach to the stars above.”

“Jessie.”

“James.”

“Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light.”

“Surrender now or prepare to fight.”

“Meowth, that's right.”

*cricket*

“That was pathetic.” Venus said.

“Aargh! No one talks about Team Rocket that way! Go Arbock!”

“Go Weezing!” They said throwing two strange red and white balls at them. Out of one came a huge cobra-like creature and out o the other came a creature the resembled three different sized balls stuck together.

“Arbock! Poison Sting!” The attack was aimed at Relena. Wufei, Trowa, and Heero found themselves in front of Relena protecting her from the attack.

“What the?” Wufei said.

Heero held out his hands in some weird position. “Star Serious Laser!” The attack hit Arbock and Weezing and flung them into Jessie, James and Meowth, knocking them all into the air.

“Looks like Team Rockets blasting off again!” They said as they sailed out of sight.

Relena broke down. “That's it! I have no idea where the hell I am, I'm wearing strange clothes, the pilots are women, I'm being called Kakyuu by five strangers, Trowa lost his memory again, three weirdoes just tried to kill me, and Heero just shot a huge laser out of his hands!”

“What's she screaming about?” Venus asked.

“It seems that the four of them are all suffering from amnesia.” Mercury stated.

Heero just stared at his hands wondering where the laser had come from.

“Would anyone care to tell me why I was pulled in front of the stupid onna?!” Wufei shouted angrily.

“Because its your duty to protect you princess at any cost.' Jupiter told him.

“What? I have to protect her?!” He pointed at the hysterical Relena.

“Yes.” Jupiter glared at him.

“Aargh! A weak onna! I have to protect a weak onna!” Jupiter tackled him, her anger overcoming her.

“And she told me to calm down.” Mars said rolling her eyes.

Venus looked around her. Jupiter was strangling Healer, Fighter was looking at her hands, Mercury was talking to Maker who couldn't remember her name, and Kakyuu was having a mental breakdown. She turned to Sailor Moon and Mars, “How about a milkshake?”

“Ok.”

“Yeah! A milkshake!”

The three of them went to the nearest fast-food restaurant leaving the rest to their own devices.