Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ Best Friends ❯ Chapter 9

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Chapter 9 Thursday evening
-----------------

*I am no Superman
*I have no answers for you
*I am no hero, that's for sure
*But I do know one thing for sure
*Is where you are, is where I belong
*I do know, where you go is where I want to be

The words from the radio washed over Makoto as she sat. A flash
of lightning lit the skyline outside of her window and erased her
reflection. Other than the green and red lights from the stereo,
nothing illuminated the room. Behind her, the phone waited
quietly.

Thinking brought no solutions; dwelling brought only pain.
Staring at the rain falling on the window served as a reasonable
facsimile for the oblivion that would eliminate worry, or so she
hoped. She knew, though, deep down, that worry resided in the
heart, not the head, and that no matter how hard you tried, you
couldn't shut down your heart. Not for long anyway.

Such a difference a day could make. One step taken more quickly,
one moment seized more forcefully, one less distraction or
pointless delay...and all would have been different. Instead,
she'd gone from the edge of the precipice to the depths of the
abyss, not in a single step, but with a single step never taken.

If she called, she'd never know if the call would have come on
its own. If she called, it would mean a lack of trust, of faith,
in a promise made. If she called, vague fears and uncertainty
might be given form and made real. And so, the phone waited.

Uneaten cookies lay on plates as pristine and clean as the floor
below. Tables and shelves sparkled. Cooking, cleaning, the
normal paths of escape, now exposed as frauds, unable to provide
solace in the hour of utmost need. The refuge of extreme
femininity was as barren and cold as the rain-swept streets below.

*Are you looking for answers
*to questions under the stars?
*If along the way, you are growing weary,
*you can rest with me until a brighter day
*It's okay

How long had she known, really known, before she felt soft lips
on her cheek, before she felt the connection in a glance, a
smile? Days? Months? Years?

Wind blowing through her hair, laden with asphalt and a soft
perfume that smelled of the ocean, that wind and a soft scarf,
the images almost overwhelmed her. Suspicions, fears, excitement,
understanding, all leaping into existence in the back seat of a
red convertible and at the side of a riverbank. Not a crush, just
an understanding, a revelation, the first steps on the path to
self-awareness. Years then since the creation of possibilities,
the birth of potential.

More images: soft hands holding a black cat, soft color washing
over alabaster skin; a narrow alleyway, adrenaline pumping, and a
sudden flash of white on white, lines and curves as perfect as
the harmony of the spheres; a large room flashing with colors,
enveloped with music, hands extending forward erasing loneliness
and uncertainty. Like sand filling an hourglass, moments stacked
against one another...exams prepared for, meals shared, battles
fought. Like the tide erasing the shoreline, wearing away at
doubts and fears slowly over the years. Beyond friendship,
beyond loyalty, beyond any conception of the possibilities of
love to love itself in all of its radiant glory. The feel of it
swept through Makoto, making her shiver and draw her blanket more
closely around her shoulders: the precipice which she had just
gotten a glimpse of the night before.

The precipice presupposed the abyss, however. Still it waited,
ever silent.

Did loving a woman mean she was less of a woman herself? Did a
dream of a life without a man mean the end of the dream of being a
bride, a wife, a mother? What did dreams mean anyway? What else
were they, except the wish to love, and be loved in return.

*Tell me where are you going?
*Where do you go?
*Where?
*Let's go.

If she didn't call, she'd never know. If she didn't call, she
could be denying the one she loved what she might need the very
most. If she didn't call, she was expressing a doubt that she
did not have. She loved, and she was loved in return. There was
nothing else.

Turning, Makoto reached for the receiver. Before she could lift
it, the phone rang.

----------------

The rain fell steadily, pinging off of the roof of the shrine with
a comfortable rhythm. Rei enjoyed rainy evenings, if only
because things were generally much quieter on such nights and it
gave her time to herself. The last of her chores was long
complete as she sat on a soft, red cushion sipping tea and
occasionally jotting lyrics in a small notebook. It was true that
on some occasions she envied her friends their experiences in
college, especially Usagi and Minako who were truly in their
element in the dorms. However, on a night like this, when they
were stuck writing papers or studying dry textbooks, she reveled
in her freedom.

As it so typically did, Fate (or was it Irony?) chose that exact
moment to chastise her for her arrogance. Rei heard the sound of
the main door to the shrine opening slowly. Soft footsteps echoed
as she set down her cup and pen and straightened her hair. Moving
out into the large hall, she saw a young woman, quite bedraggled,
kneeling on a pillow. The fires around the edges of the room cast
long shadows, periodically obliterated by the flashes of lightning
outside. She was no older than Rei, hair damp but still springing
with a life and energy completely absent from the rest of her
bearing. She reminded Rei of someone. Not in the hair, not in
the dejection, but that subtle arc from waist to hip, the firm
curve from the small of her back to her thighs, pressed against
delicate ankles. Just in that, she could have been Usagi's twin.

Shaking the familiar image out of her mind, Rei stepped forward,
making enough noise to be heard, but not so much as to disturb.
The woman turned and Rei started in amazement. "Naru-san? Is that
you?"

"Hai, Rei-san," Naru replied with a smile that almost touched her
eyes. "I'm surprised you remember me, I don't think I've seen you
since we did that play together. I didn't know you still worked
here."

Rei thought back, trying to recall when she'd last seen Usagi's
friend. "I suppose it has been awhile. I saw you at that love
contest with Umino, but I don't think we had a chance to talk."
Unbidden memories of unwanted dances with some conjured jerk came
to mind.

Naru sighed sadly and nodded. "I remember."

Moving closer, and recalling something Usagi had mentioned in
passing the other night, Rei knelt down near the damp redhead.
"Oh, Naru-san, I heard about Umino. I'm so sorry. Is that why
you're here?"

"She must have told you, huh?" Naru asked.

"Yeah, she did."

Rei wondered suddenly. Naru hadn't said her name. Rei knew all
too well that she was the only one of their friends to omit the
"chan" with Usagi. They'd never discussed it, it was just the way
things were between the two of them. Usagi and Naru had been best
friends, though, before Usagi had become a sailor soldier. While
part of her was curious, Rei decided she'd rather not know.

If Naru had similar questions, she did not express them. "I'm not
really here because of him, though," she replied to Rei's earlier
question. Rei waited patiently, sensing that she would continue
when she was ready.

"I haven't really been too upset about that, well since I talked
to her about it," Naru added after the pause.

Rei smiled, "She's good at cheering people up. It's one of her
best qualities." So many memories could remind her of that, but
they all resolved into a cozy glow that suffused her completely.

"Yeah, it is. As opposed to punctuality," Naru joked.

"Or scholastics," Rei added, giggling joyfully.

Naru giggled as well and soon both women were laughing and
smiling. The laughing soon ended, but that warm comfort now
seemed to extend and surround both of them. Naru shifted so that
she was sitting cross-legged, facing Rei. Once again, she paused,
pondering her words.

This time, Rei decided to take a more active approach to helping.
"So, if you didn't come here because of him, may I ask what brings
you out on such a miserable night?" Rei had great control of her
voice and made it as welcoming and gentle as she could.

"Have you ever loved someone, even though you knew deep down that
you could never ever be with them, at least not in the way you
hoped?" Naru asked suddenly.

Lightning flashed, but not outside. Rei rocked back, staggered by
the question, so simple and so damningly complicated. Memories
and feelings long buried clamored to rise from their resting
places, grasping at her with cold, dead hands. How could she
answer such a question with anything other than the honest truth?

"Yes, I have."

Naru nodded, again smiling with lips only. "What did you do?" she
asked. Her eyes locked onto Rei's and she seemed to see something
there. "What do you do?"

'Bury it down. Remind myself that some things can never be. Take
solace in the love freely offered and ignore the longings for the
love you can never have. Work and pray and read and write and sing
and do anything else but think of things that only make you ache
inside.' Sometimes, though, the truth would not do.

"You cannot control who you love, Naru-san. Nor can you control
who loves you, or how they love you. All you can do is appreciate
what you can have and try not to lose yourself in dreams of what
cannot be."

"Can it be wrong to love someone?" Naru leaned forward intently,
obviously casting about for something to cling to.

"No, Naru-san, I don't think it can ever be wrong to love
someone," Rei answered solemnly. Quietly, she added, "She taught
me that, too."

Again, Naru nodded, apparently satisfied. "I don't really know
why I came. I was just kind of walking around and I saw the sign
and it just seemed like the right thing to do."

Rei smiled, "I'm glad you did. It's always nice to see an old
friend. Even if we didn't go to the same school, I feel as if I
know you very well."

Naru returned the smile, "Yeah, I feel that way, too. I'm glad I
came, too. I don't know why, but I feel a little better." She
shivered. "I guess I should go home and get out of these wet
clothes."

A breeze must have snuck in because a light shiver went down Rei's
spine. "I hear you're working at your mom's jewelry store. We
should try to get together some evening. Maybe the three of us
can go shopping or something."

"That sounds fun." Naru stood up and headed toward the door,
trying not to drip too much. "Thanks, for listening and all."

Rei nodded and waved away any notion that thanks were necessary,
accompanying Naru to the door. As they got there, and Rei held it
for her, Naru turned away, whispering something that Rei could
only barely make out. "You know, I used to be jealous of you, but
I think we've probably got a lot in common."

Before Rei could grasp what she'd heard, let alone respond, Naru
darted outside, trying without success to dodge the falling rain.
Rei watched her go, more puzzled than she had been in quite
awhile.

The bells in a distant clocktower sounded and Rei realized that
Minako and Usagi would be here soon. Notes were to be compared,
progress reports given. The warmth that had lingered from before
fled as she recalled the news she had to impart to her friends
about that rat, Urawa. Forming ideas and plans on what they could
do, she went to prepare some tea for her imminent guests.

--------------------

Ami stared at the computer screen. She rationalized the size of
the columns in her table, added a layer of thickness to the border
around the outside, shaded the top row and leftmost column. She
did everything but read what she'd written, everything but think
about what it had meant. For some people, thoughts entered and
left their heads at such a dizzying pace that it was impossible to
keep up. For others, perhaps thoughts never entered in the first
place; they simply lived by instincts and emotions. Ami, however,
could not comprehend the concept of an 'empty head.' So much to
consider, so much to review and analyze, it was only natural that
she should use state of the art technology to organize herself.
'This computer is about 15 months past 'state of the art'', she
thought in yet another brilliant diversionary tactic.

Eventually, however, nothing remained but to get to it. It had
started with simple text, stream of consciousness writing,
capturing mostly questions and exclamations. "Why?" "Why today?"
"Am I crazy?" "What gives her the right?" "Is she right?"

Cathartic as they might be, such ramblings were not very conducive
to systematic analysis, so Ami changed tactics: lists, bulleted
and prioritized, summarizing the salient points, the timeline of
recent events, identifying key issues and questions.

*Studying at i.c.p
*S.K. arrives, asks about M
*Awareness of disharmony
*U.R. arrives, then leaves
*Visit to Rei, improvement
*Dinner w/friends, improvement
*School, test, normal
*Dinner w/M ... do I?
*Review of feelings...I think so
*School, normal, anxious, might she?
*Dinner w/M ... I do, she does
*Call from Mother...return
*QT Prep
*QT...appointment..Why? Who???????????

With the issues identified, the timeline clarified, and the
questions posed, Ami had proceeded along the natural lines of
self-analysis: tables and charts, pros and cons, names and
speculations. Who knew? Makoto, surely, but that was
impossible. Rei? Maybe, but why would she tell? Usagi? Usagi
was very perceptive, very nosy truth be told, but she wouldn't
either, would she? Minako? There was no way. Who else was there
who knew her, who might have guessed?

Ami shook her head and decided to drop that line of inquiry for
the moment. Maybe some distance would bring clarity or
inspiration. Unfortunately, that left the more difficult issue.
True, she had given it a cursory examination the other night,
after she'd left Makoto with a soft kiss. Ami now realized that,
in her excitement and anticipation, she'd failed to adequately
consider all sides of the issue at hand. The very fact that she'd
neglected to consider her mother's reaction amply demonstrated the
depth of that failure. Failure was not a concept with which Ami
was either familiar or comfortable.

So, with a deep breath, she scrolled up to the list of factors for
consideration. The more salient ones stood out for her perusal:
external reactions (family, friends, society), impact on existing
relationships (mom, dad, other senshi), potential risks (breakup,
ostracization, unrequited feelings, condemnation), impact on
future plans (normal life, social standing, children,
professional/career), moral/ethical issues. The list went on and
on. Some items were easily disposed of, others were far more
sticky.

Ami had reviewed her own philosophies and moral attitudes, honed
primarily through lessons learned as a sailor soldier. Nothing
she had seen, nothing she had fought for, nothing she had learned
about either future or past led her to believe that there was
anything inherently evil or wrong about loving someone of the same
gender. True, there was a lingering discomfort with the notion, a
low murmuring of guilt, but Ami had quickly identified that as the
residual influence of popular culture and social stereotypes
absorbed throughout her life. Ami was used to doing what she knew
was right with little regard to what others thought. How easy
would it have been for her to study less, to feign stupidity, to
adopt a more genial persona, in order to make friends in school?
How much better off was she for having waited to make friends on
her own terms, friends like Usagi and Rei, Minako and especially
Makoto?

As the hours wore on, Ami became more and more certain that her
feelings were not something to be ashamed of, nor something that
would need to be 'cured.' More troublesome, though, was her
mother's reaction. Ami had a tremendous amount of respect for her
mother. True, she could be stern and demanding, but that was only
because she wanted the best for Ami, because she wanted to help
her avoid the kinds of mistakes that she herself had made.

'Mistakes like me' drifted to the surface before being squashed
back down.

Maybe her mother was right, maybe she was too young, maybe she
could use some counseling. The very thought made Ami's heart
twinge, almost bringing her to tears. How could something that
made sense to her head cause her heart so much pain? Normally,
Ami's head took precedence, unlike so many of her friends. It
was a strength of hers, the ability to think clearly in any
situation, to not allow herself to get swept up in a moment, but
instead to retain a clarity of judgment. Why couldn't she do that
now?

As she scrolled up and down through her document, Ami realized
that she might have reached the limits of what she could
accomplish on her own. More than anything, she wished she could
talk to Makoto. Makoto knew her, maybe better than Ami knew
herself. Ami admitted ruefully that Makoto probably knew her
emotions better than she herself did. Growing up alone had given
her a depth of character and inner strength that Ami respected
deeply.

'I should have called her, she's probably worried about me.'

Somehow, though, she just couldn't bring herself to call. She'd
reached tentatively for the phone more than once. What could she
say, though? Ami felt as though, as long as she didn't speak with
Makoto, then they both could linger in that moment, like in a
stasis, eyes closed, lips moving forward... To see her, to speak
with her again would take them out of the 'then' and put them into
the 'now'.

Ami picked up the phone and dialed a familiar number.

----------------------

"Hello? Ami-chan?"

"No, Mako-chan, it's Rei."

"Oh," Makoto didn't even try to hide her disappointment. "What's
up? Is everything ok?"

"Well, Ami-chan asked me to call you and let you know that she's
ok."

"Why didn't she call me herself?"

"She didn't say exactly, just that she couldn't right now, but she
didn't want you to worry about her. She said that everything will
be ok."

"What the hell does that mean?" Makoto didn't mean to yell at her
friend, but couldn't really help herself. Fortunately, she knew
Rei would understand. And, Rei did.

"She said she needs to take care of some things. She also asked
me to say something kind of specific. I'm not sure what it means,
but she said you'd know."

"What?"

"She said, 'Tell her I promise that we'll finish our dinner
properly.' Do you know what she means, Mako-chan?"

Makoto smiled. She was still worried, of course, and more than a
little confused, but that was enough. Enough to get her through
the night, anyway. "I understand, Rei-chan. Thank you."

"Mako-chan, are you busy tomorrow?"

"I have class in the morning, but I'm free the rest of the day.
Why?"

"Would you want to stop by here in the afternoon, then? It's been
awhile since we've spent some time together, one on one. Maybe we
can trade gossip about Minako and your friend Kenjo!"

"I know what you're up to, Rei-chan. I'm fine, but I'd love to
see you. I'll come by around lunchtime. Now, I think I need to
get to bed."

"Great, see you tomorrow then. Bye!"

----

"Ok, I'm going to have lunch with her tomorrow. I'll fill her in
on 'you know what'."

"Great, and I'll take care of Ami in the morning."

"It's not fair, you two get to do everything and I'm stuck in
class all day."

"Don't you have a date tomorrow night? I'm sure that you'll need
most of the afternoon to get ready..."

"Oooooooo, you're one to talk. How many hours a day do you spend
putting up those meatballs! You'd better not spy on us again,
either!"

And so it went....