Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon: Writer's Blockhead ❯ The Story of a Cuckoo Otaku ( One-Shot )

For a thousand years, the ancient Stone of Knowing, lay buried in the Earth. It had the potential to be an incredible tool or weapon depending on he who wielded its might. A terrible power it was, for he who did wield it would be able to look subconsciously into the hearts and minds of those he focused upon. If properly harnessed, he could even influence their actions and control them. This, the most dangerous weapon because of its ability to sway the minds of royalty and peasant alike, was originally made by a talented, but ass-ugly mage who wanted a girl he liked to go out with him. After he died many (very satisfied) years later, the stone was thought to have been lost. Nearly five centuries later, in the lot of an old building, it has been found by a person whose potential use of it could be more disastrous than all the enemies of the Earth combined.

A fanfic writer.

Kuso Atamano was walking home from yet another day of being an outcast and reject at school. If there was one thing that could be said about Kuso, it's that his life perfectly matched his name. One popular theory regarding the boy was that somewhere in his mother's womb, his body saw that there was no point in going on and simply gave up trying to continue masquerading as a life form. Kuso, however, being the stubborn bastard he was, didn't care what his body thought, and decided to be born anyway regardless of what he looked like. Short, slightly underweight, and with a face scarred by a loosing war on acne, Kuso was hardly a popular guy growing up. Having few friends, Kuso developed had many hobbies. Some boys built models, Kuso collected news articles. Articles in particular about the Sailor Senshi, the resident heroes of Japan. Some might wonder quietly why a young man might be so interested in five (to his knowledge) extremely pretty girls that wore extremely short skirts while fighting evil. Why they would wonder is anybody's guess, but they'd wonder nevertheless. For Kuso, it wasn't about the fact that they were the secret heroes in a war that went on underneath the very noses of Japan. No, it was that he had fantasies that were simply too big to be limited to normal girls. When Kuso had gotten a computer for his birthday, he had finally discovered something wondrous, something magical, a place to get all the porn he could download AND meet other fans of the Sailor Senshi. The internet, in a single glorious moment, had opened up a world to Kuso of like-minded individuals that posted drawings, photo-manipulations, and stories made up featuring the unfortunate objects of his desire. He smirked at most of the various renderings, knowing from his collection of blurry, amateur photos and tapes of news broadcasts what the senshi really looked like. Well, not exactly, but he knew that Mars didn't have red hair or Mercury green. He was proud of this fact and knew that he could rule this community. Yes, Kuso had found a group that he could stand out in. Kuso couldn't draw a straight line, or even a crooked one very well, but he was sure he could write. After all, it was just typing on a keyboard wasn't it? Kuso had found what he knew he could, what he would succeed at. Kuso had become so lost in his own delusions of otaku grandeur that he walked right into Akira, an upperclassman from Kuso's school.

"Hey, look who's here, the little shit himself."

Who also just happened to be the single biggest prick in school as a bonus. Kuso looking the way he did was a very easy target for harassment. Some might think much too easy a target, but then the kind of people like Akira weren't interested in challenge. They liked a sure thing. Dating a girl they knew was as loose as football player's jacket on a dwarf, betting on a rigged game, and fighting someone they knew they would have little trouble beating. Akira, along with his two usual cohorts, were just these people.

Kuso tried to walk past them without saying a word, but besides being the kind of person that didn't particularly like a challenge, Akira was also the kind of person that didn't particularly like to be ignored.

"Hey!" Akira said, grabbing Kuso's shoulder hard. "I'm talking to you, fairy."

"I said leave me alone you... you... IDIOT!" Even the biggest coward could find courage in blind anger and desperation, if not a good verbal comeback. Kuso also knew that Akira wouldn't hurt him badly in a public place.

Akira grabbed Kuso and shoved him hard into the temporary wall that separated the sidewalk from the construction site on the other side. He was, among other things, also not the type of person that let little things like logic and reason get in his way. Kuso fell and Akira, like an animal that smelled blood in the water, was about to move in for the kill.

"Stop that!"

Akira turned to see a young girl with some of her friends that had been walking by. She was dark-haired and wearing the uniform of the TA Academy. "What are you going to do if I don't little girl?" Akira laughed.

Rei fumed. She and the others were on their way to the temple for a meeting when she saw the scene across the street. No matter what the smaller had said, three bigger students ganging up on him was excessive. "The Kamis punish people who prey on others. If you keep up that attitude they may strike you dead someday." She said, figuring that if she couldn't scare the fools away, she could make them laugh themselves into a coma and give the smaller one a chance to run.

Akira stared at the girl for a moment before laughter had completely overtaken him and his comrades. It was precisely that moment in the construction site when an errant jackhammer on the other side of the wall had sent a large chunk of pink quartz flying through the air, over the wall, and right into the the bully's head, knocking him out cold in mid laugh. The two who were with him looked at the scene, looked at each other, and then ran screaming for their lives.

Kuso turned and looked at Rei wide-eyed. "Arigato!!!" He said, before picking up his new lucky stone and running off.

Had Rei's jaw dropped any further out of complete and utter shock, it would have posed a serious danger to the ants on the sidewalk.

"Rei-chan!" Usagi chastised. "If you could do that then why don't you do it when we're fighting monsters?!"

Rei proceeded to fall flat on her face.

When he had gotten home Kuso blew through the door like a tornado put before an inviting trailer park and dashed upstairs to his room. Putting the stone that the Kamis themselves had apparently blessed him with on the shelf, he hit the power button on his computer. Within seconds he was booted up and typed his AOL password. It was a terrific password, and probably the single most inventive thing Kuso had ever created (outside of excuses for being late for school) in the sense no one else's mind could have conceived of something so perverted. As the computer dialed up the number (or at least attempted to), Kuso changed from his school uniform to his casual wear and sat down just as the familiar "welcome" chime cheerfully greeted him. The boy didn't know it, but he had just been handed the Stone of Knowing, the key to every perverted dream he could imagine, and unceremoniously placed it next to a cheap, plastic model of a Dalek.

The one witness to Kuso inheriting a power that could put the very fate of the entire world within his greedy hands was a cockroach (whom, for no particular reason, we shall name Bob) that was sitting on a bookcase and eating a piece of a bran flake it had stolen earlier. Bob ceased to be impressed. He had far more important things to worry about in his little life (which I promise we shall get to later).

Kuso checked his mail and opened the text program ready to get to work. He had found last night, after he made his attempt at writing the greatest Sailor Moon fanfic of all time, that writing was somewhat more difficult than it first appeared. With a click of his mouse he logged in to the Sailor Moon fanfic archive, determined to learn how other writers created stories that had people worshiping them and their talent. Kuso found one that looked promising by Raptorman, who wrote himself into the story as a character who got to make out with Jupiter. Kuso cringed, he had considered doing the same thing himself, but now realized just how big an ass he'd look like if he did. He tried another, this time by a Mr. Thinker. Kuso read, or at least tried to read, the story. It looked as if the story had once been a masterpiece of literary genius in whatever language it was originally written in, but was then fed to, and spat out by one of those translator programs that could never get the context or sentence structure right. Kuso's head spun, and he decided to try again, this time opening up a story by Osker D. Kat. "AHHHHHH!!!" He screamed. After the boy regained some semblance of composure, he unsteadily crawled out from under his desk. His hands still shaking, he tried yet again. This time looking for one that didn't didn't feature gay bestiality as a theme. He opened up one by one writer who claimed to be the captain of a starship called the Moon Revenge. "What the Hell? Are ALL these guys are insane!" Kuso sighed and looked on, believing that he'd found the answer. These guys take on an identity, he thought, like a pro-wrestler. If he could just have a good identity, and a writing style people would like, he knew he would get the praise he deserved. Kuso finally found a few that didn't feature any graphic sex, violence, foul language, or tentacle rape. "Booooooring! Damn, this is harder than I thought." Kuso continued to look on.

Meioh Setsuna, aka Sailor Pluto, aka the Guardian of Time, suddenly had a very bad feeling as she began to pour her usual afternoon cup of tea, and when the Guardian of Time has a bad feeling, it's usually cause for some worry. It wasn't the usual generic bad feeling, it was more along the lines of something going on just out of her field of vision. Something she could just make out out of the corner of her eye, but not clearly. Pluto didn't like it when something was happening under her nose that she didn't know about. The opaque sense of dread she had been feeling suddenly gave way to a very warm, soggy feeling. She looked down to see she had neglected to stop pouring her tea and was now standing in a puddle of Earl Grey. "Damn, not again."

Kuso had finally found some stories to inspire him. The first was a story that featured the senshi beating tentacled demons from Hell. Another had the senshi being beaten by tentacled aliens from another galaxy, and yet another had the senshi teaming up with Sailor V to fight living tentacles from someplace the writer hadn't even elaborated on. Never mind that these stories had the young girls in question using language that even a real sailor would raise an eyebrow at, or that they had characters so two-dimensional as to make a slasher movie marathon look deep and thought provoking by comparison, they all kicked a lot of ass and didn't hold back anything unlike all those professional writers that wasted time with foreshadowing and characterization and good taste. Kuso liked movies and stories that had balls, never mind that many of his favorite action movies secretly made use of those very things in oh so subtle ways. Kuso knew that he could make his story just as bloody, just as graphic, just as kewl as the next guy and he was going to prove it to the entire fanfiction world.

Bob shook his little roach head at his noisy roommate, who was starting to get as bad as that other thing that had just moved in. All day after he came home now the giant would sit in front of that big glowing screen and move that smaller (but still huge by cockroach standards) round thing making clicking noises with it. Bob considered moving, but decided that the food his roommate left lying around for him might have been worth a little discomfort. The other one, the sneaky bastard that never came out of hiding. That would be the one that had to go, Bob thought, twitching his antenna in anticipation of kicking the unwelcome creature out.

While Bob went about his plans, Kuso (who still had no idea he had even one roommate, much less two) began to pace back and forth in his room, wondering how he should depict the Sailor Senshi, what their personalities should be like, and most importantly... which ones would be in bed together. He saw his good luck stone and picked it up, thinking maybe that its magic would give him some divine inspiration.

It did.

Kuso started slow. He took out the pictures he had collected of the senshi taken by various reporters, tourists, and other assorted amateurs. None of them were even close to being clear, but they gave him at least a vague idea of what they looked like. Kuso focused on each one while playing with small the stone in his hand. He looked intently at the taller one in the green skirt. Slowly, thoughts, mannerisms, ideas began to flow through the many layers of sediment and limestone that so many people were sure the boy's head was made from. He imagined her as being powerful, a strong fighter to be feared, but somewhat reserved and even domestic in her civilian life. Kuso's head bolted upright. He had just had his first breakthrough. There were as many theories as to where the senshi came from as there were stars in the sky, but now Kuso was sure they had lives outside the battle for justice. He was sure they had secret identities. Of course, nearly every hero in anime and comics had a secret identity, but within Kuso's normally empty head stirred possibilities as to what kind of people these girls really were. The one with the blue hair, he imagined, must be the intelligent one. Kuso could somehow see it in the picture that she was the one that was by far best at school. They were schoolgirls in real life. Kuso leapt to his computer and began typing. He was on fire now and tapping up a storm on his keyboard (much to his roommate's incredible annoyance) and would soon have what even he couldn't have expected... characters more developed than ever seen before in the realm of fanfiction, although unbeknownst to him, none of it was really his own creation.

Miles away, on the summit of a hill upon which stands the Hikawa Shrine, the very girls in question were discussing the usual things.

"Demons?" Nearly everyone said at once.

"That's right." Ami replied. "From the research I've been doing as to the stability of the dimensional fabric, it will be easier to cross between dimensions now than it has been in nearly a century."

"Does this mean what I think it does?" Makoto asked sullenly.

"If there is anyone out there that is waiting for a chance to invade our world, now will probably be the time to do it." Artemis said.

"Not just enemies, but mages will also use this opportunity to summon demons and spirits. If any of them get loose from their masters, or are used against others as weapons, then we may have to be ready to get involved." Luna continued.

Rei sighed. "It's probably going to mean a lot more calls here for purifications and blessings. I better let grampa and Yuuichirou know."

"Know what?"

Rei almost jumped. "G... grampa!" Rei wondered just how much he had heard.

"I came to tell you that your friend Setsuna is here." Grandfather Hino said, stepping out of the doorway and letting the young lady through.

"S... Setsuna-san?"

"Did I come at a bad time?" Setsuna asked with all innocence.

Rei cocked an eyebrow at the obvious pun, whether it was intentional on Setsuna's part or not. "No, we were right about to get in touch with you and the others."

"Ah, girl talk. I'll go and make you young ladies some tea then and get out of your way." The old man said, although getting a very healthy look at Setsuna as he left. It was very rare that someone even more attractive than his granddaughter's usual friends should show up, and he made every attempt to make them feel welcome. He had no illusions, though, but sometimes the mere presence of such an incredibly beautiful girl could, as he'd once heard in a movie, put some step in an old man's stride.

Back in the den, the others made room around the table as Setsuna sat down.

"By your comments, Rei-chan, I assume you already know that something is amiss."

"Only what Ami has told us so far." Rei began. "About the fabric between dimensions being in a weakened state."

Setsuna was surprised by this news, but didn't show it. She was sometimes privy to knowledge of what was to come, but rarely did she know specific causes of the events. Her previous self thinking Sailor Saturn was the one who threatened to destroy the world, when it was in fact the being who inhabiting the girl's body, was a good example, but there was no need to tell the other girls this fact.

Usagi was also surprised, as she was distracted throughout the conversation and had thought they were talking about some other kind of fabric demons used. She hid her surprise as well, seeing no need to give Rei any more ammo if they got into a fight over something.

"I assume knowing this that you have been preparing for something to happen." Setsuna finally said. "I came to tell you that I feel the approach of that something."

The other senshi fell silent at those words.

"Do you know what it is?" Minako asked.

"Specifically, no." Setsuna replied. "I can't even be sure if it's related to the current state of the dimensional fabric. What I do know is that a convergence is approaching. A nexus where the future of our entire world may hang in the balance and a single act could mean salvation or destruction for us all."

"Hehe... No pressure there, right guys?" Minako said, sweatdropping.

Kuso continued to write as the sun went down, and would most likely continue to write after his bedtime. He had already worked out what he thought were extremely clever names for each of the characters. Sailormoon herself was now Tsukino Usagi, whose name really meant "Rabbit of the Moon", and even Tuxedo Kamen, who's secret identity, Mamoru Chiba, meant "Earth Protector". Kuso couldn't imagine where all this brilliant inspiration was coming from, and didn't care. Now that he had his cast ready, he now needed a story. This is the point where, regrettably for the boy, the Stone of Knowing had reached its limits as a magical talisman. It could provide a user that knew how to wield it information on the thoughts and lives of nearly any living being on Earth, but for all its immense ability, it was completely powerless in the face of writer's block. It could relay only what was, for the ability to create something new was a gift sentient life forms alone possessed. Kuso finally decided that he needed a monster, the only question would be, "what kind?"

Akira staggered home after waking up, cold, alone, and bruised on the sidewalk. Bad enough that his head was killing him, but he had footprints along the length of his back. "Damn that little shit, I'm going to make that bastard pay so badly..."

Akira's angry mumblings didn't go unnoticed, as one particularly rowdy demon was looking for something to help him find a way into the Earth realm. Emotions like anger, hate, frustration, and resentment were always good to start with, and shone like beacons to demons looking for a host in this world. Akira had all four to spare. With one mighty push, the demon forced its way through the fabric of reality like a pervert through the fabric of a girl's panties and was immediately inside Akira's head. Akira's face twisted into a frightening parody of itself, and instantly the boy had become a japanese Mr. Hyde. The demon looked about and took in its new surroundings and decided it needed two things. Food and girls, in that order. It knew from Akira's memories where his little black book was, but the food was closer. Popping a beer and some junk food, it got ready for its first night out in a century. While a century may seem like a small speck of time to a creature which was nearly eternal, demons were particularly randy creatures and any span of time between instances of rape and murder for them was usually far too long.

Amazingly, at the very moment Akira was having his mind invaded by a demon, Kuso had the perfect idea for a monster and whom it should be based on. Kuso began typing again, and began the story with a completely worthless ass that was taken over by a demon. Kuso liked that idea, and typed some more. Kuso thought for a moment about what kind of monster this would be, and how it would attack. Drawing a blank (except for a vague impression of food and beer that he couldn't quite explain), he decided to work on what the senshi might be doing right now while the threat of the monster loomed behind them. This was one instance where Kuso's imagination was more than adequately prepared to take over for boring reality.

As Setsuna left, the remaining senshi decided there was little to do but wait and be ready for whatever trouble happened. It was getting dark and most of the senshi had decided to go home. It was at that very moment that the other side of the Stone of Knowing's power began to make itself known. Although the stone could not allow anyone but the most experienced and talented mages to control everything a person did, it could very easily influence them. Any amateur could very gently nudge them in a certain direction.

"Ami-chan..." Makoto began. "I have a test coming up tomorrow and I think I might need some help."

"Tomorrow?"

"Well, I know this is last minute, but do you think you could come over tonight and help me."

Mind you, that you have all just witnessed the very moment in this tale where reality itself as the Sailor Senshi knows it begins to collapse in on them. Makoto asking Ami for help on a test she knew to be a lost cause the night before she had to take it, and imposing on a friend in the process. It is a very small thing forced, or should I say nudged, upon her that gives a premise for what is coming. It is a small, tiny act out of her usual character, but remember that even the Roman Empire didn't fall all at once. It started one, small, tiny bit at a time.

"I... would have to tell my mother, but yes. I would be happy to help you Mako-chan." Ami replied, although even she didn't know exactly why she seemed to look so forward to that night so much.

"Usagi-chan, would you mind staying over too tonight?" Rei asked. "I could use some help... ah... making some preparations." Rei as well, didn't seem to know why she wanted to be with Usagi so much all of a sudden.

"I'll help too Rei!" Minako cheered. "OW! Artemis!"

"You have a test too, young lady." The white cat replied. "You go home and go to bed early."

"Hai... hai... I'm going already."

My friends, the stage has now been set, and any out one there who has ever read a lemon fic will probably know exactly how these particular scenarios will turn out. Well... maybe not exactly.

Kuso hammered at the keys of his keyboard like an otaku possessed. He had come up with something he was very proud of... a plot twist.

Meanwhile, way over on what he considered to be his side of the room, Cockroach Bob was nursing a headache. Both his roommates seemed to be in rare form tonight.

On the bus ride home, Makoto had felt an increasing desire to be near Ami. Not simply with her, but close to her. Makoto tried to avoid staring at her friend, but couldn't help herself. With every passing moment, Makoto found herself focusing more and more of how pretty the girl was. Her eyes, her hair, the slight, but cute body she had.

"Something wrong Mako-chan?"

"Ah...wha???" Makoto stammered. "No... nothing. Nothing at all. I guess I'm just worried about the test."

Ami smiled. "That's okay, it's perfectly natural."

Makoto felt butterflies in her stomach. She was afraid of what she knew she was feeling. The last time she felt it was with her sempai, and even then it wasn't as compelling as it was now. Makoto felt as if she needed to be with Ami, and couldn't think of a single reason why. When the others had thought that she had fallen for Haruka-san, they asked whether she had "changed her choice". Makoto now wondered if she or anyone else really had a choice in the matter. She wondered if anyone could really choose who they... who they could... Makoto couldn't even finish the thought in her head.

"Mako-chan?" Ami asked, again shaking Makoto out of her thoughts. "This is our stop, isn't it?"

"W... what? Oh yeah.... sorry."

Upon entering the apartment, Ami paused and took in something heavenly. "That... wow. That smells so good."

"It's just stew, but I put it on before school and let it slow simmer all day and..."

"Mako-chan?"

"Hmmm? Wha...AAAHHH?!?!"

Makoto didn't even have time to react as Ami grabbed the taller girl in an embrace and pressed her lips to her own. Ami let her hands move across and embrace Makoto's body, across her back, her shoulders, letting her hands ravish the back of Makoto as her arms pulled the brunette as close to her as humanly possible. Ami would have pulled them together until they became a single person if she could. Ami had been so alone for so much of her life, but Makoto was even more so not even having parents as she did. Ami let the strength in her legs ebb, and the two were dragged in their embrace onto the sofa where Ami's hands continued their wanderings across Makoto's body. Ami nuzzled Makoto, laying gentle pecks on the nape of the girl's neck and face.

Makoto decided she'd have to make stew more often.

Rei had convinced Usagi to stay to help her with preparations and such, but in reality she simply wanted to spend some time alone with her. Rei didn't know where the feelings she was now experiencing came from, but there they were they in spite of every conscious attempt to pretend they weren't. She had found herself becoming more and more attracted to Usagi. Everything about the blond seemed to captivate Rei's attention, from the way she moved to the way she talked. The way the two streamers of hair (which Rei found increasingly adorable) trailed behind her, to the when she inhaled and her chest would press against the inside of her uniform. Rei found herself focusing more on Usagi that her chanting, which was a dangerous thing because one could easily summon something unintended. Rei broke off her chanting for a minute under the pretense on needing rest.

"Usagi-chan?"

"Hmm?"

"Nothing." Rei looked at the sacred flames burning. They cast a light that gave the dark room a warm and serene feel. "Usagi-chan, where do you think we'll all be in ten years? Twenty?"

"Hmmm... I guess I'll be with Mamo-chan by then in a warm home."

Rei twitched a bit, then caught herself. She couldn't be feeling jealousy, could she? Not over Mamoru. Not in that way, she thought.

"I don't know if we'll have Chibi-Usa-chan by then. Maybe not even until Crystal Tokyo."

"That's... that's a really long time to wait to have children Usagi."

Usagi laughed out loud at the comment. Rei somehow found the sound to be both grating and pleasing at the same time. She smiled, and suddenly found Usagi's head leaning against her shoulder. Rei felt like her insides had just done a somersault.

"The fire looks so peaceful Rei-chan, always moving. Like watching a river. Is that what people call "zen", when you have that peaceful feeling looking at something like that?"

"Well, I guess in a way." That was unusually deep for Usagi, Rei thought, as she put an arm around Usagi.

Usagi responded by cuddling more into Rei's shoulder. Rei reached and gently held Usagi's hand in her own. There were no more words exchanged that night between the two girls. Both slowly, easily, lost themselves to what they had been feeling since early that night. Rei kissed Usagi on the forehead, feeling how imperceptively soft the girl's hair was. Usagi smiled and cuddled more with Rei, kissing her gently on the lips. The two girls began to hug and touch and kiss each other more and more until finally Rei let the shinto robe slide off her shoulders. She kneeled in front of Usagi, uncovered from the waste up, as if basking in Usagi's radiance like a warm glow that would rival the fire itself in beauty and warmth. Usagi laid a finger on Rei's shoulder and let it trail down her body, between her breasts. Usagi quickly proceeded to unbutton her own blouse while Rei patiently knelt and watched, captivated by the girl's innocent beauty.

In most circumstances the Kamis, the ancient and revered gods of Japan, might have become somewhat offended at two people getting it on in a shrine devoted to them. However, in this particular case, the Kamis were far too busy passing around a bucket of celestial popcorn and enjoying the show to be very offended by much of anything.

Outside the shrine, Luna had grown tired and impatient waiting for Usagi and decided to peek in on the two through a small hole in the paper door. Luna's mouth fell open, and in total shock she staggered away. Her mind tried to digest the information her eyes had provided for her and got mental indigestion in the process. Luna shook her head for a moment. "I... I suppose... if they really feel that way about each other, it's... it's not so bad." Luna said to herself. "It could be worse after all."

Murphy's Law was in full effect that night. It got worse.

"Hi Luna!" A cheery voice called out.

Luna turned to see Chibi-Usa running up the stairs to the temple.

"I came to return this plate to Rei-chan, and find Usagi." The young girl said. "Is she and Rei in the shrine now? Ikkoku-mama has dinner ready and Usagi still hasn't come back home."

Luna's heart stopped. Before she could lie and say Rei was out, a moan that sounded suspiciously like Rei's voice emitted from the shrine.

"What's happening Luna, is Rei alright?" Chibi-Usa asked, trying to make her way past Luna.

"N... NO!" The cat cried. "Err... I mean, yes, she's fine, but she's in a... a very deep trance. It really isn't the right time Chibi-Usa-chan. If you leave the plate here I'll tell Rei you brought it when she's finished her... ah... meditation. And tell Ikkoku-san... err... that Usagi will be sleeping over." Luna sweatdropped.

"Oh... okay Luna." She said and put the plate on the floor next to the cat. "Bye-bye!"

Luna sighed, thinking what a close one that had been as another moan, this time Usagi's, drifted from the inside of the shrine. Luna sweatdropped. She'd had half a mind to burst in on them and tell them to get a room when she saw Mamoru approaching.

"Ah, Luna!" The young man said. "I came to see Usagi, are she and Rei inside?"

Luna sighed.

Mamoru walked past Luna before she could concoct a story, opened the door to the shrine, and saw Rei and Usagi in each-other's arms... and legs. Upon seeing Mamoru and Luna they both blushed and tried to smile innocently.

Luna quietly sat, wondering just what would happen now. She imagined Usagi and Mamoru breaking up forever and never wanting to see each other again. Poor Chibi-Usa would never be born, and the future of Crystal Tokyo would be destroyed forever.

"Usako... Rei-chan." Mamoru said, as he smiled and proceeded to take his own shirt off.

Luna fell backwards, her brain going completely numb from a complete lack of rationality while one of the Kamis went for some more celestial popcorn.

Somewhere in the darkest reaches of the Netherworld, the demon known as Grim lounged in his lava whirlpool enjoying the heat. As he sat and enjoyed the heat, as well as the quiet solitude, a thought drifted through his head, which was somewhat rare for Grim. With the weakening of the dimensional fabric being what it was, most of Grim's friends were out of town doing whatever for every Tom, Dick, and Harry Potter with a magic wand. Grim smiled to himself. It was a fact that every demon in the netherworld had a "call name" that, when uttered as part of an incantation by a summoner, could be used to breach the dimensional fabric and draw him to the location of that summoner. Grim laughed out loud and realized how incredibly lucky that the call name that could summon him... "Ahgadumercaryaimagonaexpalod", which meant something wholly rude in demon speak, was something so innocuously nonsensical in any other language that no human would ever think to even try it, much less decipher it in an incantation.

Again, fate has a rather twisted sense of humor, as Ami continued her fondling, kissing, and touching of the now bound and helpless Makoto. The brunette, brought to the edge of her limits where unreleased pleasure almost caused her to fall unconscious, finally cried out at the top of her lungs...

"OhGodMercuryI'mgonnaexplode!!!"

Reality itself folded like a pair of trousers and Grim suddenly found himself in Makoto's kitchen standing next to a simmering pot of stew. "What the Hell?" Grim looked about in confusion, and saw two things of immediate interest. One, that there were no circles or runes of either protection or binding to control or restrain him, and two... that there were two girls on the sofa completely oblivious to his presence. "Shit! Goddamn wiccans, they probably scream out incantations in their sleep too." Grim looked at the scene and considered staying to watch (or get involved), but knew he'd have a limited opportunity to get home before his own dinner time. Grim decided to teach the damn dirty humans a lesson before he left, though, and dropped a small hand grenade (which he'd been saving since the Vietnam War for his parents' anniversary party) into the pot of stew. "Sweet dreams, you turds."

Makoto looked at Ami, who was snuggling on her chest. "Did you hear something?"

Before Ami could raise her mouth from Makoto's breast to answer, Makoto's pot of stew unwittingly proceeded to follow through on Makoto earlier threat, and exploded.

Kuso had found something for nearly everybody to do now except for Sailor Venus. He decided now was the time for his plot twist. Kuso had been a fan of Sailor V even before Sailor Moon. Hell, he'd first heard of Sailor V even before the damn company started licensing her image (without her permission he suspected). Kuso decided Sailor V, whom he pretty much knew for a fact was now known as Sailor Venus, got some solo action.

Minako, having a track record only slightly better than Usagi's when it came to being on time for anything, had missed the bus. She was forced to walk hom with Artemis, who had draped himself over her shoulder. As her attention drifted from one subject to another, she paid little mind to the large, hulking creature that was walking on the other side of the street. The creature however, once Akira, took full notice of Minako.

"Hey baby! Wanna see my tentacle?!"

Minako stopped dead in her tracks, slowly she turned, with the full intention of giving the pervert a piece of her mind that he was obviously lacking. When Minako turned, however, there was no sign of the her verbal assailant.

"Look out!" Artemis cried.

Minako looked up and saw the monster bearing down on her. She dodged and just missed being in the spot the beast had landed. "Wh... what the heck are you?!"

"I'm in town with a few days to kill, baby." The hideous creature responded. Although it still looked vaguely human, it was malformed and twisted in nightmarish ways. "Wanna ride my wild baloney pony?"

Minako cringed. The only thing, in her mind, worse than a demon was a perverted demon. One could say whatever they wanted about any of the enemies they'd had to deal with in the past, but at least none of them had ever employed creatures like the one before her now. Minako had her wand in her hand, but saw that a few people had stopped to look at what was going on. Minako decided to give the creature what it wanted. "How 'bout we go someplace a little more private big boy?" Minako said, as she skipped off and over a wall.

The demon grinned from ear to ear (literally). In nearly two thousand years of visiting the Earth Realm, this was the first time a girl had ever made an offer. "I don't mind a public show baby, but if you wanna play follow the leader, well then hey!" It said, kicking its bulk into high gear and giving chase.

Venus ran for all her worth. There was an old building scheduled for demolition just a few blocks away where she could take care of the creature in private.

"Minako-chan!" Artemis cried. "Call the other Sailor Senshi!"

"Hahaha!" It wasn't a happy laugh, but one that usually came from Minako when she was about to say something she knew nobody else wanted to hear. "I... kinda left my communicator at home."

"WHAT! Minako-chan!"

"We haven't faced an enemy in months Artemis! I was going to start carrying it again! I swear!"

"That does us a lot of good now." The cat said. "What are we... WAHHH!"

Minako tossed her partner up to a low tree branch. "Run back to Rei's and tell her what's happening!"

Artemis didn't like leaving Minako, and especially didn't like leaving her when something like what just ran by was chasing her. He knew she was right though, and ran with all possible speed.

Although Minako could hardly hold a candle to Haruka in foot speed, she was no slouch and now appreciated her many times spent mad dashing to school like Usagi. She could hear the creature gaining, but what it had in raw power it lost in agility and nimbleness. Minako vaulted another wall and was onto the property of the old apartment building set to be demolished. She hurdled the yellow tape warnings to stay away. All the doorways and first floor windows were boarded, but with a grace she rarely showed other than when it was most needed, she leapt, climbed, and scrambled up to the second floor balcony and was in the building where she knew she could keep her pursuer running around until the other senshi arrived. Once she had made her way into the second floor hallway, out of site of either her attacker or any witnesses, she pulled out her wand.

"VENUS CRYSTAL POWER... MAKE UP!!!"

In a flash of golden light, Minako had become Sailor Venus. She was now confident she could handle the creature if she had to, which was indeed fortunate because he was now standing before her at the other end of the hall.

"You're pretty fast, but so am I when I slim down." Akira looked more human now than before. No doubt the creature had become a more reasonable size for the added speed and agility. The demon possessing Akira was quite experienced at chasing girls, and relished what it believed would be its first time with a genuine Sailor Senshi. It's face contorting into a monstrous and fearsome visage of its former self, he lunged at the girl before him, growing and gaining speed as he went.

Venus tried to dodge, but the terrain she had hoped to be to her advantage now proved to work against her. She found she had nowhere to maneuver in the hallway and with no time to charge her attack. Before she could think of a plan, she was taken right off her feet and knocked clear across to the other end of the hall. Venus's vision blurred, she saw the stairs to her right and lunged just as the creature crashed into the spot where she had been. Venus half rolled, half collapsed down the stairs into the lobby, where she knew she'd at least have some room to maneuver. Shaking off the pain from her bruises, she got to her feet and brought her extended arm around just as the creature leapt at her.

"CRESCENT... BEAM!!!"

The golden yellow beam lanced in a devastating arc as she brought her arm around, hitting the creature in its shoulder. Although it had hit, it had not hit with its full power, and the monster was able to fight through the assault, slamming into Venus and knocking her down in a daze. As the hideous creature, more and more mutated with every passing minute, loomed over Sailor Venus, its bulge began to break through the fabric of its trousers. A monstrous, tentacle-like phallus emerged from the creature's midsection with an enormously distended sac hanging and swaying beneath it, filled with pulsating, sticky fluid ready to pour out and drench its seemingly helpless victim when it had finished with her. The problem that most demons don't realize though, when attempting to rape a young girl hero, is that it is generally a very bad idea to loom over said heroine with your giant swaying ball sac when said heroine is wearing high heels and her legs have not yet been adequately secured. What happened next was foreseeable (as well as being far too painful to even be adequately described), and the Akira-demon let out a tearful, high-pitched cry that could be heard halfway across Tokyo.

"Damn!" Kuso cried out. "What the hell was that? Some woman must be practicing a role in the opera or some shit." Kuso went up and closed his window to keep any more auditory distractions from bothering him or his writing. Kuso continued typing undisturbed. He had very much considered letting the demon have some more fun with Venus, but decided anything he had based on that flaming asshole, Akira, didn't deserve such a magnificent honor. Kuso smiled as his favorite senshi went to work on the monster and laughed maniacally when he imagined his own nemesis being on the receiving end.

"NOGOODECCHIBASTARDHENTAISONOFABITCHCR ESCENTBEAM!!!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Getting a second wind fueled by a combination of adrenaline and pure unbridled rage, Venus now chased the demon with a demonic fervor of her own. She shouted every curse word, english, japanese, and even a few german ones she'd picked up from a rowdy exchange student in England as she blasted away at the Akira-demon with every attack in her arsenal.

"AAAAAHHHHH!!!" The demon continued to scream as it was being mercilessly hammered by elemental fury. "Get away from me you crazy bitch!!!"

"DIIIIE!!!"

"Alright, that's it, now you asked for it!!!" The demon lunged at Venus with his primary weapon, which had now grown teeth and looked very hungry.

"VENUS... LOVE ME... CHAIN!!!"

The Akira-demon had learned it's second lesson of the night, and that was that there was a very severe drawback in one's primary weapon being the same as one's primary reproductive organ.

"YEEEEEAAAAAARRRGH!!!" The demon-half of the creature, at this point and time, had had more than enough. "That's it... I'm out of here. I don't care if you bastards here have a clearance sale on virgins! YOU HEAR ME?!?! I'M OUTTA HERE!!!" And with that, the demon left a a very bruised Akira, who fell unconscious on the floor and would wake up the next day with some very sore parts and no clue how he'd gotten there. Minako sighed, and went to look for a phone to call Rei.

Ami and Makoto hadn't been having what many might consider a very good day. After Makoto's stove exploded, the fire department came and evacuated the building. Ami and Makoto were now sitting in the living room of Ami's house still covered in bits of dried stew.

"I can't believe it. Right in your own apartment?" Mrs. Mizuno said, serving the two girls some tea and cookies. "You both must have been terrified. Are you sure you're both all right?"

"Well, it kinda took us by surprise, but we're fine... I just don't have a place to stay tonight."

"I told Mako-chan she could stay with us, is it okay mother?"

"Of course it is dear. I'll have the guest room ready by the time you both get cleaned up."

"If it's all right, mother, I don't think either of us wants to sleep alone tonight."

"Oh, that's quite all right. I'll have dinner ready for you both by the time you clean up then."

"Thank you Mizuno-san." Makoto said with a bow. "I really appreciate you letting me stay the night."

"Think nothing of it, Ami's friends are always welcome here." Mrs. Mizuno, said as she got up to put a TV dinner in the microwave. She was glad Ami at least had friends now. She had become increasingly worried about her daughter in recent years in spite of her academic abilities.

Ami and Makoto made their way to the bathroom and began to undress. Both tried to be inconspicuous in looking at each other, but there was some blushing and eyes made. Ami and Makoto each got a washcloth and took turns with the bar of soap. Ami lathered up her own cloth, and began to slowly let it glide across her arm leaving little trails of suds to glisten in the light. Makoto watched intently, spreading some soap across her own body in the process. Makoto started at her shoulders and worked her way down her arms, squeezing her breasts together slightly. Ami looked on, touching herself.

"I think I might need some help with my back, Ami-chan." Makoto said, turning around.

Ami looked to toward the door. Her heart was pounding, both from the sight of Makoto's body and the knowledge of what would happen if her mother were to walk in with extra towels. She moved to Makoto and stated to rub her back, gently, caressing the girl so softly. Makoto's breathing deepened slightly as Ami's hands moved across her body. Ami teased Makoto for a few moments with just touching her back, but when she saw Makoto was getting more and more aroused, she moved her hands forward and started to gently massage Makoto's breasts. Makoto began to touch herself lower, the feeling was breathing harder and harder now, and began to make little noises under her breath. She tried to remain quite, lest Ami's mother hear them, but she had never been in involved in anything even close to what she was experiencing now. She was losing control of her body, losing herself to her feelings.

"A... Ami-chan..."

"Are you kidding me?"

"No, I swear, I never thought that kinda crap would happen to me in my life."

Grim was sitting at the local Neatherworld bar. Having just related his story to his friend, he sipped another pint.

"Wow, and they were just doing it? Right there?"

"Yup. I figured they musta been wiccans and they were screaming incantations out or something."

"Uhh... I don't think Japan has any wiccans, Grim."

"Well, whatever the hell they were, they wrecked my whole damn night. And now I have to get a new hand-grenade for my parents' anniversary."

"A hand-grenade?"

"Yeah, to hide in their cake."

Fen stared at his friend for a moment. "Grim, why in Hell would you hide a grenade in your parents' anniversary cake?"

"Cause I don't have the cash lying around for a nuclear weapon."

"Oh, well then, that makes total sense." Fen said, shaking his head. He decided to let the subject drop. "Well, maybe you have problems like these my friend, but not me." I'm two thousand years old and I'v never had a problem with people guessing my last name, and I never will, so help me if my name isn't Fen Juptachanailuvyusomuch." Fen said, and proceeded to disappear into thin air.

Grim, not even batting an eyelash, simply reached over and swiped his friend's drink. He had a feeling he was going to need it.

Ami and Makoto both came running out in their bath towels.

"Mother! What happened? We heard you scream all the way from the bathroom."

"N... nothing, Ami-chan. I was drying the dishes and.. and... I just saw a rat and was startled. That's all. Nothing to worry about." Mrs. Mizuno was hardly going to tell her daughter that a demon had just jumped out of her sink, asked her if she'd "clean off his rolling pin", and then proceeded to fly out the window. She'd made a decision that moment to seriously cut back her hours working at the hospital.

At the Hikawa Shrine, Artemis ran for all his worth, leaping up the steps to the temple two, even three at a time. He neither stopped nor paused, his heart pounding and his legs aching. Every second some new and more despicable scenario played out in his mind over what the creature would do to his poor Minako. He ran until he finally came to the shrine, passing Luna in on the way and straight for the door to where he knew Rei was.

"Artemis, wait!!!" Luna cried. "Minako-chan called! She..."

"WAAAAAAAAH!!!" Artemis had just seen a scenario even he wouldn't have thought of.

The next day found Setsuna and the other senshi, and Mamoru, in the den of Rei's home. Grandfather Hino, once again, was off making tea. All the girls relayed to the Guardian of Time the events that had happened the previous night... minus certain details.

"I can't believe it!" Minako exclaimed. "You two weren't hurt at all?"

Makoto shrugged. "Niether of us was in a direct line with the kitchen. We were both covered in stew though. I... ah.. had to stay at Ami's last night while the fire department evacuated the rest of my building."

"How terrible!" Chibi-Usa exclaimed.

"Ahhh... it was okay. Ami's a very good host." Makoto said, though Ami blushed for some reason that the others could only guess at.

"And while all this was going on, you were fighting a monster, Minako-chan?" Usagi asked.

"Hai, it wasn't that powerful, and it didn't seem like a very likely scout for an invasion force." Minako said.

"Why do you say that?" Setsuna asked. Something was going on, she thought. Ami's and Makoto's slightly odd behavior could be written off by their experiance last night, but she also noticed that Rei, Mamoru, and Usagi seemed to be slightly uncomfortable, to say nothing of Luna and Artemis.

"Errr... it seemed like it had.. ahh... other things... on its mind."

"I see." Setsuna replied. "Well, it seems that the weakening of the dimensional fabric has passed, so we would appear to be out of danger. Are you all sure that nothing else happened last night out of the ordinary?"

Everyone else in the room except Chibi-Usa shook their heads in perfectly synchronized unison. Setsuna cocked an eyebrow while sipping her tea. She resisted the urge to grab one of them and shake the truth out, as a guest in Rei's home that would have demonstrated extremely poor manners.

"What about the feeling you had been having, Setsuna-san?" Rei asked, desperate to change the suject. "You said the very fate of the world as we knew it was at stake!"

"That's... very hard to explain." Setsuna said. "The feeling had been growing increasingly powerful last night. It was as though I was standing and watching as all of you were tied to a set of railroad tracks, and the train was getting closer, and closer."

"How horrible!" Chibi-Usa exclaimed.

"What happened next?" Mamoru asked.

"Well, that's the thing." Setsuna continued. "In a single moment, for no reason I can fathom, the sense of doom and destruction simply... vanished."

"Vanished?"

"Yes, as though the train that had been baring down upon you all had simply derailed and crashed harmlessly on the side. I have no explanation for it. I only wish that I knew what kind of power could have intervened on our behalf."

Flashback to late previous night...

Kuso had finally finished his masterpiece. A tale of the Sailor Senshi the likes of which no one had ever seen before. He thought for sure that this would have the entire fan community mailing him with praise over what a cool story it was, and most importantly, what a cool writer he was. In reality, the following things would happen. Four people would write back commenting on the atrocious spelling and typos, one would tell him what an ass he was to think he could know any more about the senshi that anyone else, and one person, a student of Juuban Junior High School, would recognize the secret identity names of the Sailor Senshi. Remembering having seen the senshi once, and what the girls in his former class and their friends looked like, he would make the connection. It wouldn't happen immediately, but it would eventually happen. The secret identities of the Sailor Senshi would be exposed to the world and none of the senshi nor any of their families would ever be safe again. The information would be used by those who wanted to blackmail or destroy them and the senshi would be no more, forced into hiding, and eventually hunted and massacred by their many enemies. Without the senshi, the Earth would be unprepared to deal with the next invasion, and the human race itself would be gone from the universe forever.

That is, of course, had Kuso ever managed to submit his story.

Cockroach Bob had finally had all he could take from both his roommates. He decided to do what he'd been planning and kill the more annoying one that just moved in. Bob suspected that the tapping Kuso was doing was a means of communication as the other one always responded to it. Bob entered the domain of his enemy, a giant beige building tucked away under Kuso's desk. Bob climbed up the multitude of levels, and finally came upon the chamber of the coward. Whatever creature lived inside inside the metal casing never came out. It's only connection to the outside world seemed to be some wires going through the air-tight compartment and the annoying little chattering sound it made. The roach noticed some markings on the case, but couldn't read japanese, so didn't concern himself with them. Bob had no idea how anything could live that way, but he was going to put a stop to it. He had figured that even if he couldn't get inside the indestructible metal shell, he could cut off the life support of the noisy creature. Little by little Bob began to chew on what he believed to be the life support hose of his hated enemy. What it was, in fact, was the power supply for a computer hard drive that made a feint noise as it scanned the disc, almost inaudible to humans, but immensely annoying to cockroaches.

Just as Kuso was ready to submit the story that would end human life forever, which was poorly formatted on top of everything else, a power surge caused by a damaged wire would destroy all the data on Kuso's hard drive. Kuso's roommates, both of them, were now dead, but the sacrifice would not be in vain. Although there would be no memorial to his name, or song of his story, the small creature we have come to know as Cockroach Bob would be known by the Gods and fate itself as the one who saved the entire human race from complete extermination.

Sailor Pluto would never know just how small the power that interfered on their behalf was.

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Author's notes:

Well, this is it. You have reached the end of my first ever lemon fic. If you were expecting something a lot more pornographic, well, sorry to disappoint you. This was about the story and characters all along. The sex was only in service of the story (really!). Originally this was going to be an R rated "Lime" fic, but I eventually just decided to cut loose with it and have some fun. Lemme know what you think.

All comments may be sent to...

zefmann9901@aol.com

My website, containing other examples of my work, may be found at...

http://www.geocities.com/captainzman/sailormoon

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Translation Notes:

Otaku is a somewhat derogatory term that means "superfan", or "fanboy". It's used to describe fans that are just a little too into their favorite anime, comic, or whatever the same way fanboy is over here in the states.

Although many modern apartments and homes in Japan have western styled bathrooms, it is still quite common to see more traditional bathrooms around. With these, you first wash and rinse yourself off, then get into the tub to soak in the hot water. These baths are usually big enough for more than one person and large public baths are still fairly common.

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Thanks go to...

Naoko Takeuchi, Toei Animation, Studio Chikashitsu, Mountain Dew, VKLL, Pioneer, and Macintosh Computers (think different).