Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ By the Numbers ❯ Chapter 1

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

By the Numbers
By: Reba Jean, April 7, 2002
E-mail: rebajean@writing.com
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Romance/comedy

Disclaimer: Characters are based on Sailor Moon copyright 1992 by Naoko
Takeuchi/Kodansha, TOEI Animation, English language adaptation
copyright 1995 by DIC Entertainment. This story is not intended for
monetary gain or tangible profit, but purely for entertainment of the
readers.

Notes: Yet another first season with the sparring partners becoming
reluctant allies. A bit of manga, a little anime, and horror of
horrors, mixing English dub and Japanese names - purists be warned.
The timing falls somewhere between Mina's arrival and Darien's capture
by the Negaverse. As in the manga, Darien became aware of Serena's
identity fairly early on, but she had not yet made the connection
between Tuxedo Mask and her irritating friend. He is not portrayed as
'sweetly' as in the manga (is any real man like that?), but also not
quite as much a jerk as in the anime (most of the time anyway). This
is a 'prequel' using the same personalities as my other stories set in
the post Stars/pre-Crystal Tokyo years.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


It was a study in contrasts, light and dark. Pick any school day and
the scene would have been the same. The blond Andrew rested his chin
on his crossed arms on the counter watching the doors. He was bored
out of his mind. It was the same every day waiting for the after
school crowd to arrive. The dark-haired Darien sat at the counter
picking at the remains of his pastry, waiting for his coffee to cool.
He was more or less a permanent fixture this time of day, which usually
coincided with the arrival of a certain blond junior high student.

The extra quiet during the weeklong absence of Serena Tsukino was
beginning to wear on Andrew. It had been fun watching the increasing
agitation of his friend, however. Every time the door opened, Darien's
head would shoot up as he turned to see who had entered. Andrew and
Serena's friends had agreed to tell him nothing about her absence to
test their theory. The spectacular fights between the two had to be
merely a cover for their unacknowledged mutual attraction. It helped
that Darien was too stubborn to ask if they knew anything about why she
was missing. They left him to stew in his self-inflicted torment over
her absence.

The dark brooding statue came alive; there was no other way to describe
it. Andrew heard Darien exclaim, "Serena!" softly and in two seconds
he was across the room. Just in time to crash into Serena, who flew
through the door at warp speed. They clung to one another tightly as
they staggered around, trying to avoid the almost inevitable fall to
the floor.

Serena scowled at Darien's joyful greeting, "Meatball Head, you're
back!"

"Don't call me Meatball Head," she screeched in reply. Noticing that
he was still holding her tightly, she thought 'Gotcha!' Her friends
were right when they claimed his incessant teasing was a cover for his
true feelings. "You missed me!" she taunted gleefully.

"No way! Not me! I was just worried . . ." he shouted back.

"Did too," she retorted.

"Did not!" he returned, louder still.

"DID TOO!"

"DID NOT!"

"PROVE IT!" Serena shouted in his face. She raised up on her toes and
tapped his nose. "YOU said you were worried about me YOURSELF!"

About this time Andrew decided that the relative quiet while Serena had
been gone was a good thing after all. He strode over and grabbed
Darien and Serena and shook them both. "That's it. That's enough out
of you both. Calm down or take it outside."

Serena and Darien looked at each other questioningly, nodded in
agreement, and both turned and yelled at Andrew, "SHUT-UP! It's none
of your business!" They turned back to one another and resumed their
argument. Darien still held Serena closely in his arms. Her hands had
crept up to his shoulders to help her balance as she looked up into his
face to gauge his reaction to her verbal volleys.

Andrew stepped over to the 'senshi' table to confer with Ami, Mina,
Lita, and Rei. The girls had been watching the confrontation with
amusement. Ami commented, "Plan A appears to be a success."

Andrew questioned, "Implement Plan B?"

Ami replied, "Affirmative."

Mina asked, "I forget. What is Plan B?"

Rei hushed her and answered, "Just watch." Lita got up from their
booth and went across to the doors and held them open.

Andrew let out a loud, "AARRGGHH!" and rushed over to Darien and
Serena. Using the built up momentum, he propelled them both outside.

Lita retrieved Serena's bag and Darien's textbook and handed them to
Andrew. Andrew tossed both items toward the astonished couple and
instructed them loudly, "And you can just stay out. You both are
BANNED from the arcade until you can get along without arguing every
time you come in here. And be ready to prove to ME that you can get
along in each other's company for at least a couple of hours before
I'll let you come back in here!"

They looked at him with astonishment. "What, . . . but . . . but,
you can't do that!" exclaimed Darien.

Serena regarded Andrew angrily. "Yeah, what he said. It's not my
fault though. HE started it," she said pointing at Darien.

"DID NOT!" yelled Darien.

Andrew smirked; this was going to be so much fun. "I don't care who
started it. You BOTH argue. Until you BOTH can behave TOGETHER,
neither one of you is coming back. And starting tomorrow, everything
made with coffee or chocolate is half-price off." Andrew turned and
went back inside the arcade and joined the girls at their booth
watching through the window.

"Now look what you've done, Meatball Head," Darien complained angrily
to Serena.

"I did not. You started it. You called me Meatball Head. You know I
hate that name. You call me that on purpose just to make me mad. And
now I can't even go in there with my friends," she wailed and started
crying.

"At least your friends don't have to put up with this," Darien retorted
sarcastically.

"You don't either. GO AWAY!" Serena cried and buried her head in her
arms, leaning against the side of the building.

Darien turned, picked his book up off the ground, and prepared to
leave. "At least I have friends," Serena added spitefully to bait
him. She really didn't want him to leave just yet. She wasn't through
blaming him for their banishment. She watched him through the strands
of hair that hid her face. Her tears slowed and stopped.

Predictably he went for her lure, "I do too have friends; you just
don't know most of them!"

She looked up at him with eyes still wet with tears, going for the
kill. "Well the only ones I know are Andrew and Rei and now I can't go
in with them because of YOU!" The tears began falling again.

Darien squirmed guiltily. He had made her cry again; or maybe it was
Andrew's fault this time. He wasn't really sure, but he hated to see
her cry. His protective instincts toward her as Sailor Moon made it
hell on him to really cause her any pain.

Darien had been torn several ways since he had discovered Serena's
identity at the Princess D. fiasco. Her disguise that night had been
the very image of the princess in his dreams who asked him to find the
crystals. As Tuxedo Mask he had been drawn to her as Sailor Moon. But
as Serena, it was another story. She had the ability to irritate and
infuriate him just with a look or a word. But he loved to argue with
her. He loved to pick at her until she fumed, turned bright red, and
verbally or physically attacked him. And she had just been gone who
knows where for a week. She "owed" him an explanation. He strode over
to her and took her by the shoulders and shook her.

"What was that for, Jerk?" she protested angrily, forgetting about
being upset.

"Where were you all that time? I was worried about you," he
complained, looking down at her exasperatedly. He held her still by
the shoulders, determined to wrest an answer from her.

Serena's response was a huge grin. "See, I told you that you missed
me. You just admitted it you big baka!" she taunted. Serena reached
around the aggravated man and tried to crush him with one of her bear
hugs. If she had seen the astonished, delighted, and stupid look on
his face, she would have had even more ammunition with which to tease
him. He used the opportunity and buried his face in her hair.

Nuzzling one of her 'meatballs', Darien commented, "You still haven't
answered my question, Meatball Head."

"Leave my hair alone! You are such an A # 1 Jerk! Let me go!" she
shrieked.

"Well, I'm still waiting," he answered calmly, tightening his grip as
she squirmed trying to get away.

"I was in Anchorage, Alaska. There are you happy. Now let me go,
Dork!" she spit out.

"Alaska?" Pulling her closer, "Why would I want to let you go; it's
much more fun to watch [AN: or should we say 'feel'] you squirm. You
may even be a genius disguised as a meatball brain; you've solved the
problem of how we can keep arguing in front of Andrew without him even
knowing what we're doing."

Serena's curiosity conquered her irritation with her nemesis, "What are
you talking about?"

"Arguing by the numbers. Surely you and your friends made lists of
things by numbers in elementary school so people wouldn't know what you
were talking about or writing in notes,"
Darien answered.

"So like # 1 would be Baka, Dork, Conceited, Obnoxious, Egotistical,
Jerk, or Jerk-wad, or Jerk-off, ..." she needled.

"Hey that's enough. You've got the idea. Number 2 can be Meatball
Head since you have two," he said. "Nah, I like to call you that too
much. Can't I please at least keep one name to call you? Don't you
think you keep your temper for at least that one, huh?" Darien pleaded.

Serena laughed, "Oh, maybe you can pick one. But I don't know about
'Meatball Head', I really hate that you know."

"I know. That's why it's my favorite name for you. You look so
adorable when you get mad. . . Oops, did I just say that last part out
loud?" he asked and looked away.

"You're blushing! Your ears are bright red. 'Mr. I think I'm oh so
cool and suave' is embarrassed," she crowed.

"Yeah, so what. Let's get out of here. You want to go make up that
list?" He turned and picked up their things and handed Serena her bag.

As he turned and headed in the direction of his apartment, Darien asked
again, "What on earth were you doing in Alaska anyway? And why didn't
you tell me you were going?"

Serena skipped along quickly to catch up with him. "You're going too
fast. If you'll slow down I can talk and walk at the same time."

With lines like that, she invited teasing he rationalized. "Amazing!
You mean you can do two things at once, if you're not klutzing out
anyway?" Darien smirked.

"Oh you baka!" Serena complained and reached over and started punching
Darien's arm.

"Ouch, stop that. You've actually got a pretty good jab. You've been
sparring with Rei or Lita, huh?" Darien asked as he grabbed her hand
and kept hold of it to stop her assault.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Back at the arcade, the girls and Andrew were squashed in the corner of
the window trying to see what Serena and Darien were doing. Finally
Lita climbed on the corner of the booth and leaned out against the
glass. She narrated a blow by blow account. "They're arguing. Serena
is leaning against the side of the building and crying. It looks like
Darien is leaving. No, they're arguing some more. Oh, Darien just
grabbed Serena and he's shaking her. If he hurts her, I'm gonna get
him. Huh, now she's hugging him? He's holding her; it looks like
she's trying to get away. Now they're just standing there. They're
talking or arguing; I can't tell which. Darien just gave Serena her
bag and he's walking off. She's chasing him. Now she's punching him.
Uh, they're holding hands and walking off. I can't see any more."

"Let's follow them," said Rei.

"Yeah," put in Andrew.

"Wait a minute, wasn't the whole idea of this plan to force them to get
along," reminded Ami.

"Ami's right," added Mina. "Besides they may actually end up doing
more than just getting along," she added mysteriously.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"You never did tell me why," started Darien again.

"Oh all right. Shut-up so I can talk. My dad came home Friday with
tickets for some airline travel promotion deal. He said they wanted a
good write up in the magazine. But they were for a 10PM flight that
night so we had to pack and leave right away. I only had time to call
Rei.

It was a lot of fun. We flew to Anchorage and took a train trip to
Denali Park and saw Mt. McKinley. That's their highest mountain. I
saw lots of animals like bears, and deer, and caribou. We had a boat
tour to see some glaciers. There aren't many people a lot of places.
Everything was really pretty. I got to go shopping in town with the
tour guide when Mom and Dad went to some company thing. We had to take
that dork Sammy along though. He must have taken a million stupid
pictures. I got to miss school for a whole week! We just got back
yesterday," Serena finished.

"Interesting, so everyone all probably knew where you were. When I
mentioned your name to Andrew or the girls, they just ignored it and
changed the subject. I wonder what they're up to this time? Did ya
bring me anything?" asked Darien. He was sure she didn't, so it would
be fun to tease her and make her feel guilty.

"I brought everybody something. I was gonna give em the stuff at the
Crown, but some big dope had to get us kicked out first!" Serena
growled and tried to jerk back her fist to hit him some more. Since it
was still captured, she began swinging her bag menacingly. Darien
quickly stepped in and grabbed her, pinioning both arms at her sides.
But now he was trapped as well, the instant he let her loose she was
likely to clobber him from the look on her face. He thought quickly,
maybe shock tactics would work.

Darien raked his gaze over her face and lecherously up and down her
body. "Darling, as much as I enjoy the way you've plastered your hot,
wiggly little body all over me, I don't really think the public street
is the place to indulge your ecchi fantasies about me. We're also not
accomplishing our goal of ending our banishment from the Crown arcade."
Either she'd kill him or, . . .

Serena jumped away from Darien as if he were on fire. "Me, ECCHI? You
arrogant, obnoxious HENTAI! Not if you were the last man on earth!"
she screamed angrily, trying to pull her hand from his grip. She stood
there fuming as far away from him as their still clasped hands would
reach.

"Are you through trying to hit me? Can I let go of your hand now?"
asked Darien mildly.

Serena nodded yes and he dropped her hand. Somehow she felt, . . .
what was it, . . . disappointed. She actually liked touching him? And
when he had been holding her, when they had been holding each other
in fact, she felt all hot and melting inside, like molten candle wax.
"Oh no!" her mind wailed. She may be rather naïve and inexperienced,
but she had seen enough romantic movies, and felt that way when she
read a really mushy romance novel. She not only liked him; she had the
'hots' for him, as Mina would have put it. That jerk, that good-
looking, arrogant, conceited, obnoxious, and annoying man. They fought
like cats and dogs whenever they were together, but when she looked
into his eyes, she was lost. He loves to tease me, she thought. We
constantly argue. But I love to argue with him; it's so much fun and
it makes me feel so alive.

"Hey in there? Anybody home? Where did you space out to this time,
Meatball Head?" asked Darien as he waved his hand in front of her face.
She had stopped and was just staring at nothing with a dumbfounded
expression on her face.

"Oh what? You don't want to know," answered Serena as she came back to
reality. She blushed, if he ever got any idea of what she had been
thinking she was doomed.

"Daydreaming again, huh. Tarzan and Jane, the Prince and the Princess,
Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask? About me maybe?" Darien snickered. That
was sure to get a reaction from her.

"About YOU? Nuh - uh, no way! You are SO conceited, as if!" Serena
denied, her face brightening to a lovely shade of red.

Darien's eyes twinkled with amusement. He must have really hit a
nerve. "Then why all of a sudden, my lovely Meatball Head, does your
complexion match the paint job on my car, hmm?"

Serena stopped, lifted her chin, and folded her arms. "If you're just
going to pick on me, I'm going home. I think you have caused me enough
trouble today already."

Darien imitated her stance, "The feeling is mutual, my dear. However,
since we are right in front of my apartment building anyway, perhaps we
should work on the stealth argument techniques after all."

Serena rather reluctantly accompanied Darien up to his apartment. She
looked around the inside. It was, of course, immaculate. A small and
rather bare one room apartment, but his furniture was nice and his
entertainment unit state of the art. One wall was largely occupied
with a huge overflowing bookcase. He indicated that she should sit on
the couch and he handed her a piece of paper and pen. He sat down and
started up his computer. "Why don't we each make out our list and I'll
consolidate and number them. That way we can be clear on what names we
want to call each other and we won't repeat insults. Okay?"

Serena nodded. Strange man, he was even organized about arguing and
insulting her. She began writing furiously. He typed a few entries,
thought a few minutes, and entered a couple more. Darien looked over
at Serena. She was still scribbling feverishly. After about five
minutes she brought over her list, the paper was completely covered
front and back. "Here it is; this is all I can think of now," she
said.

Darien read over her list. "I'm impressed; I didn't know your
vocabulary was this large. Oh and these last few, naughty, naughty.
Surely your mother doesn't approve of you talking that way."

Serena snatched back the list and wrote several more words. "I just
thought of a few more." She handed it back to Darien.

"Serena, I'm shocked. Do you really think of me that way?" He read
the last additions to the list back to her in a purring, seductive tone
of voice.

Serena blushed scarlet, "I didn't mean it THAT way!"

Darien laughed, "It's all in how you say it. Do you want me to delete
those?"

Serena nodded vigorously. "I think I better be going home, I'm getting
hungry since I didn't get to have anything at the Crown."

Darien really didn't want her to leave yet. "Well since neither one of
us got our chocolate fix today, would you like to share some ice
cream?" He took her delighted squeal for an affirmative. Rummaging in
his freezer, he found that there was only one pint left. This would
never be enough for Serena. Darien grabbed a couple of spoons from the
drawer and went out to the couch and sat down next to Serena.
Predictably she asked, "Where's yours?"

"Sorry Meatball Head, this is all there is. So you will be nice and
share with me?" Darien asked. From the expression on her face she was
considering her answer.

Reluctantly she answered, "I guess so, since it is your ice cream after
all."

The ice cream disappeared almost immediately. Darien tried to remember
if he had any other junk food stashed away. Pie, cake, cookies? That
was it; there were still some of Lizzie's chocolate chip cookies left
from the last batch Andrew had shared with him. "Do you want some
cookies?" Dumb question where the human garbage disposal was
concerned. The cookie plate was cleaned off in record time as well.

Darien remarked, "Wow, whatever guy marries you is going to have one
hell of a grocery bill."

Her mouth still stuffed with cookies, Serena sputtered crumbs all over
the table. "That was mean. Take it back."

"Why should I; it's true," Darien waved his hand in the air
negligently.

Serena asked, "Why do you pick on me so much? We could just solve this
whole thing with Andrew by not arguing any more."

Darien answered, "But that wouldn't be any fun. I like to argue with
you. So do you want to go with me to the movies tonight?"

Serena looked at him in surprise. "Did you just ask me out, like on a
date?"

Darien hastily amended, "With Andrew too of course, so we can try out
our list."

"Oh, okay I guess." she responded.

She actually sounded a little let down, he thought. He got up and
carried the dirty dishes back into the kitchen. Darien came back over
and offered her his hand to help her up off the couch. "So Meatball
Head, are you ready to go pick on Andrew?"

Serena looked at him exasperatedly, moved in close, and poked his
chest, "You're calling me that name again."

Darien was very much aware of how close she was standing to him. He
debated closing the gap between them. He reached up and brushed the
hair off the side of her face, "But I love to call you that. I love,"
he paused for a moment, heard her sharp intake of breath, and
continued, "to tease you."

Serena looked both relieved and slightly disappointed. She smiled
brightly at him, "I love to argue with you." She moved closer and
rested her hands on his chest. Unable to resist the impulse, Darien
wrapped his arms around her and pulled them together. Serena looked up
at him and said, "I love, . . . to tease you too." She regarded him
curiously, "And just exactly how long do you plan on picking on me,
tormenting me, and all the rest?"

Darien's thoughts strayed for a moment to a small jewelry box that had
been hidden in his dresser drawer for several months now, near the
rainbow crystals, in case he ever found his princess. Regarding
Serena's expectant expression, he smiled. "Oh, probably for the rest
of our lives together."

Serena gasped and whispered, "What did you say?"

Darien gazed down at her fondly, "You heard me. Now let's go show
Andrew how we can 'get along' without 'arguing' with each other."

~ Finis ~


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Thanks for reading! Please leave a review or comment, whether you loved it or hated it.

RJ