Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ Childhood, Friends, & Journals ❯ Prologue

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Childhood, Friends, & Journals By Crimson Fairy aka Sailor Heartache
Dianap@lunap.com
There had been times when I would have killed to be asked by Darien
Shields to go to the Homecoming Dance, but we were what some affectionately
called 'worst enemies'. I was the cheerleading champion of Wylie High having
lead the squad to national championships for the past two years, and he was the
football team captain.
I know, I know, what a classical match made in heaven, right? Well, it
wasn't. I had been dating his brother since we were in eighth grade, and
although Andrew was a great guy I just couldn't love him. Not the way I loved
Darien. Of course, at most times I did believe him to be an arrogantly conceited
jerk who knew nothing more the bug stuck to the bottom of my shoe, and he
believed me to be a rich little daddy's girl who knew nothing of anything
besides what the best highlight colors would be for his sister.
We fought, we shouted, and eventually somebody would break us apart, but
no matter how much I tried to hate the boy our fights were always the best part
of my day. Mina, my poor cousin, had grown up with the three of us, she and
Andrew were always wondering off somewhere in order to get away from our ear
splitting screams.
But as you've probably figured out Darien hates me, and has since the
first time I met him. Of course you're saying 'no, no, I'm sure that's not
true', but it is for a fact true. Here let me start at the beginning, okay not
really the beginning but the beginning of what's important.
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^
"Come on, Sere." Andrew said punching me in the arm in an effort to shake
me back to life, "We have got to get going, the movie starts in five minutes."
Bless his heart, Andrew was just not creative. Every Friday night we went
to a movie, every Saturday he'd take me out to lunch, and every Sunday he'd show
up at my front door and drive me to church.
Swatting away one of the million mosquitoes living on my front porch I
hurried out to his car, "Okay, let's go. I suppose Mina is meeting us there with
her latest crush?"
Andrew nodded with a far away look in his eyes, I had known for a long
time that Andrew liked Mina, but still no matter where we went he invited her to
come along knowing perfectly well that she would bring her latest crush and
leave him heartbroken again. Of course I was not different, every time we went
out I'd search the crowds for Darien just to see if he was there with some girl
who wasn't me. I'm pretty sure that both Andrew and I had known a long time ago
that our relationship was only of a brother sister type.
Just as I had known, Mina was standing in front of the box office waiting
for us, the only problem is that she was with Darien. Now, I have no problem
with Darien dating people I don't know, but somehow the idea that he and my
cousin were dating was suddenly making me feel incredibly jealous. After all,
wasn't she supposed to read my thoughts and know that since I was five I had
loved Darien.
Of course, anybody who couldn't read my thoughts couldn't possibly know
that my world revolved around him. That my every thought somehow ended on what
he was doing and how to find a way to see him without letting him know how much
I lived just to argue with him.
"SERE!" Mina shouted as I stepped out of Andrew's car and headed towards
her and Darien, "Guess what!"
I of course had no idea what she was talking about, so in order to amuse
her I energetically waited for her to tell me.
It didn't take long, in less than a minute she was by my side whispering
in my ear, "He did it, Sere! He asked me to homecoming!"
I was slightly confused, she hadn't told me she'd been waiting for anyone
special to ask her. "Who?"
Her eyes widened and she bent back over to my ear and whispered the one
word that ruined the rest of my night, "Darien!"
Now, I knew that Darien would never ask me, I knew that from the
beginning. Yet, hearing Mina suddenly brought my knowledge to reality, and I
suddenly realized how desperately I'd wanted him to ask me. How much I had been
holding out hope, but then again the only thing we ever said to each other was
'Hi, you're looking awful today'. It was almost as if I was cursed as if the
Gods had decided I was to be the laughingstock of the human race - I was to fall
in love with the only man who I never had a chance with.
The movie went by without me paying any attention to the gory plot line
that Darien and Andrew had decided on, the next thing I knew we were headed to
Chili's to grab a burger. Mina was jumping all over the place so happy that
Darien had asked her, but no body seemed to notice my feelings of distress. We
managed to get through dinner and outside before the final straw broke. Just as
I was getting into Andrew's car I turned back to wave to Mina only to find the
two in what I could only name as a kiss out of a romance novel.
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*
I don't know how I managed to get home without bursting into tears, but
somehow I did. But when I finally managed to reach my room I found no comfort,
because all across my room there were pictures of the four of us from the time
we were four until last year's state football game Darien and Andrew in their
football jerseys and Mina and I in our cheerleading outfits. It was one of my
favorites because Darien had his arm around me holding me close while Andrew
held Mina.
I suppose that was when I had my first real breakdown sitting there on the
floor holding the picture so tightly that the corners cut into my palms, I
cried. I can't even remember how long I sat there, I knew my mother was knocking
on the door asking if I was alright, and I knew that in some distant place my
phone was ringing, but none of it mattered. I had finally lost all hope that he
would ever love me that he would ever think of me the way I did him.
I began to lose faith in the world I felt that I could no longer believe
in the silly love stories I'd been reading since I was five, almost as if love
was simply a fairy tale written to make little children hold hope in an
otherwise dreary world. I decided that all I had left was Andrew, and I would
hold on to him forever.
That was of course when I decided to check my messages to see who had
called while I was out, and while I was having my breakdown. There was one
message from Donna asking me to be on the homecoming committee, another from
Donna asking when cheerleading practice was, one from Mina telling me what her
and Darien had done after we left (this one I could not listen to, but simply
deleted), and the last took my last bit of being away.
It was Andrew, calling me from a cell phone in who knows where. He said it
was time to end our charade, he knew I loved Darien and I knew he loved Mina, I
guess it tore him apart just as much as it had torn me apart to see them kiss
like there was no tomorrow.
And suddenly I was left alone, I had nobody left. The man I loved was in
love with my cousin and my boyfriend had finally dumped me. I knew I had tons of
acquaintances, but what I needed was someone who knew everything about me
someone who could tell what I was feeling simply by looking me in the eyes. But
I was not the type of person who had thousands of best friends, I only had two
one of which was my cousin the other my ex-boyfriend.
The next few days went along in a haze, I busied myself with work, taking
on the homecoming committee, my homework, and cheerleading practice not taking
time to see anyone when I didn't have to.
Andrew looked as bad as I did. I had begun to stop eating not seeing the
need to, and the loss was showing. Somehow it didn't mater much, I had stopped
feeling pain or sorrow.
Mina was becoming a mother hen, unable to figure out what was wrong with
me, she spent her time forcing me to eat or taking me to raves to cheer up. But
being with Mina only made me feel worse, because it seemed as if everywhere she
went Darien would show up.
The first time I saw him I felt as if every last piece of my broken heart
shattered again into even tinier pieces. He looked so good, his midnight blue
eyes boring into mine as if he knew everything about me just by taking one good
look, and somehow I think he did.
That was when I began having dreams of him and her, and after a while I
just quit sleeping. I couldn't handle seeing their faces so close in my dreams,
suddenly sleep joined the list along with food neither were important. So in
place of sleeping I began writing in a journal, putting all my deepest thoughts
into its bindings as if it was the long lost friend I'd never had.
Of course, my body did not last long without food or sleep, and in the
middle of the homecoming football game I fell from the top of the pyramid in
sheer exhaustion.
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*
I woke up in the hospital with my mother crying silently and my father
staring blankly at the wall, but for the life of me I couldn't remember why I
was there. I don't know why, but when the doctor, Mina, Andrew, and Darien all
came in together I just kept my eyes closed trying to find out what was going
on.
"What's wrong with my daughter?" My father asked ready to pounce on
somebody for the answers he'd probably been waiting for hours to receive.
The doctor cleared his throat, "Your daughter seems to be suffering from
exhaustion, mild bulimia, and severe depression."
"Bulimia? Serena, would never do that to herself!" My mother shouted, and
I knew by the sound of her voice that tears were running down her face.
"I understand, Mrs. Johnson, but we believe it to be a result of her
depression. Most likely she simply lost interest in eating and believed it to be
unimportant."
I could hear my father's feet as he paced the foot of my bed, and most
likely turned on Mina to question her. "What is so bad in her life that she has
slipped into a depression?"
Mina obviously had no idea, but she tried her best to improvise. "It might
be over her and Andrew's breakup."
Suddenly I was tired of listening to them discuss me, tired of everybody
being so down right stupid, but most of all I was tired of myself for letting
this go as far as it had.
"I'm sorry to interrupt your conversation about my life, but I'm getting
tired of it." I paused as everybody turned to stare at me wondering how much I
had heard, "Why don't you all just leave, I'm tired." I felt Darien's eyes
boring into my back, surely trying to figure out what had been so bad, "I'm so
tired, of everything."
I don't know how he knew, or what he knew, but somehow Darien understood
that I really needed to be alone right now. After about ten minutes he managed
to convince everyone that I was okay, I only needed a little time to myself, but
even after everyone else was gone he did not leave. He simply sat in the chair
my mother had previously occupied and stared at me, what he was looking for I
don't know, but after a while he realized he couldn't find it in my eyes and
began to gaze out the window.
We sat in silent companionship for awhile, how long I don't know, until he
finally asked me the question that I knew he had been wondering about maybe
since he heard about my accident. "Why, Sere, what is it that is so bad?"
I've never been able to lie to Darien, even when I tried he could see
right through me, but now was not a time to tell him that he had broke my heart
more times then I can count.
"Dare, have you ever just lost faith? Lost the hope that everything will
turn out all right in the end?" I asked, I wasn't sure what I was looking for in
him, but it was something just out of reach.
He turned his head towards mine, and although he was facing me I knew he
did not see me. "When mother died, don't you remember?" I did, but something
told me that I would learn something if I didn't say anything, so I simply
listened. "You were there with me, you always were, when dad came in looking for
us. Our families are so close that he felt he had to tell you too, that you had
the right to know. He sat there and he carefully explained to us how she had
fallen asleep at the wheel and lost control of her car. I didn't talk to anyone
for day, I would just sit there silently while the rest of the world went on. It
felt like it was all some bad dream, somehow I lost the faith to believe that it
would all be alright."
His eyes closed as if he was trying remember some memory he held closely
to heart, "That was the night I ran away, but you saw me running and you came
after me. You sat there as I told you to go home, that you couldn't understand
why I was leaving. Then you looked me right in the eyes and said, 'I may not
understand, but that doesn't mean I'm going to leave you here alone, either'. I
argued with you, I told you I was alone, I didn't have anyone else. Do you
remember what you said to me?"
I gave a small smile as I remembered, "I laughed at you and told you you'd
never be alone because you had Andrew, Mina, and me. I told you it didn't mater
what happened, the four of us would always get through it together."
He opened his eyes to stare at me again, "You were the one who said it,
Sere. Why won't you tell us what's wrong?"
I looked away from his prying gaze, I was so sure he could read right
through me and see every secret I tried to keep locked away. "Even if I told you
it would make no difference, some things are always meant to be secrets."
I knew he was disappointed that I wouldn't tell him, and I knew he was
probably thinking of how I had always trusted him when we were kids, but he
could never know how much I loved him. He would always see this incident as his
fault, and he would maybe even stay with me to keep me from hurting myself
further, but I didn't want that. I didn't want pity or sympathy or even
disappointment, I didn't want him to look back later in his life and think of
how I'd cornered him. So I sat there silently refusing to answer the one
question he wanted answered the most.
He continued to question me moving on to small things, when was the last
time I had eaten? When was the last time I slept? Why wouldn't I sleep? When he
learned about my dreams he wanted to know what they were about, thinking they
could lead him to my insane reason for doing this to myself, but he was sorely
disappointed when I wouldn't tell him. After a while he got tired and left, most
likely leaving to fill in my parents and his on what he could get out of me. I
knew that tomorrow I would have to face either Mina or Andrew.
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*
I was right, as soon as I woke up Mina rushed into my room carrying a box
of expensive chocolate and her makeup bag. Mina's approach to things had always
been a little different then most people.
She went to work immediately, handing me the chocolates to eat while she
began giving me a make over. I just sat there silently letting her brush her
goop all over my face, now don't get me wrong. Mina is not a dumb person, she
simply puts her priorities in a different order then most people. She sat there
and led me to believe she had no idea what was going on before she finally
dropped the bomb on me.
"You're in love aren't you?"
I just sat there silently clarifying her assumption.
"Let me guess, he started going out with someone, and they seem really
serious."
Well, I wasn't sure about the serious part, I hoped that they weren't.
"Who is he?"
That's when I shut off, it didn't matter I'd never have him anyway. Plus,
if Mina ever found out then just like Darien she would blame herself for never
seeing it. Then again, part of me did blame her for never realizing, for never
understanding how much I needed him. But I had done this to myself, it was my
subconscious decision to torture myself for the feelings that I couldn't help
but feel.
She tried for a while longer, thinking of tricking me into answering her,
but it wouldn't work. I guarded my secret well, too well. I was beginning to
feel caged as if I couldn't hold everything in forever. I didn't have my journal
to spill my feelings into, and I had no I could trust not to tell. So I just sat
there and let the feelings ball up inside.
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*
Andrew arrived after dinner, obviously he had done better homework. He sat
there with me and played a few card games, slowly helping me let my guard down
before he pulled it out.
I don't know how he got it, most likely he asked my parents if it would be
okay for him to look in my room for clues and had accidentally stumbled upon it.
I knew Andrew, and although he probably never would have read it in a normal
situation, he was scared about what I was doing to myself and had most likely
read it cover to cover twice.
He turned to stare out the window, "You know, Sere, it was always you and
me that could never confront our true feelings. We trusted each other because we
were always steady. I could lean on you, while I watched Mina date every guy
with a pulse at least once. Every guy but me. And you leaned on me while you
watched Darien do the same, but it was eating us up inside. She hurt me so much
without even knowing it, and he did the same to you, but it's not their fault.
They don't understand what's going on, although they're right in the middle of
the action they can't figure out what it is that's going on."
I felt the tears falling silently as I finally let go of all the walls and
barriers I'd put up to keep them from knowing, "It hurts so much, Andrew. I
thought I could live knowing he would never love me, that he could never, but I
can't. I just can't."
He jumped up and started shaking my shoulders, "Serena, you can! It's just
harder than what you've had to do before. You just have to realize that there
are people who can't live without you, and then you have to live for them. Even
he can't live without you, although it may not be the reason you want."
I closed my eyes against his boring gaze, "I don't think I can, I don't
think I want to."
"Do you remember when you and Darien found me after Mother died?" He
asked, "I told you that I didn't want to live anymore, and Darien said that was
nonsense I had to live just to see what will happen tomorrow. Do you remember?"
I nodded.
"You have to live for tomorrow, Sere. You don't know what will happen, you
don't know if it will be good or bad, but the adventure of seeing it is enough
to live for."
In some strange way that did help me, "I can't promise anything."
He smiled, "You don't have to, I know you better than that."
And I knew he was telling the truth.
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*
Mina came twice more, Andrew visited every day, but Darien seemed to
always be there. Whether he was outside with my parents, or inside making sure I
was still breathing.
He brought me all sorts of things, magazines, flowers, books, and even a
giant card the football team and cheerleaders had signed. Whenever I was with
him I felt so much better, but the minute he was gone I was left to remember why
I was here in the first place.
I continued to write in my journal, telling of how I felt around Darien
and how Andrew had convinced me that everything might be all right again some
day. However, Darien and Andrew seemed a little hostile towards each other.
Andrew I'm sure felt angry that Darien knew nothing of my feelings while Darien
felt jealous that I had confided in Andrew and not him.
Unknowingly, Mina gave me the best news I'd had in a long time on her last
visit to my room.
"I met the most handsome guy in the mall today." Mina exclaimed as she
flipped through a copy of Cosmo girl that Darien had brought me. "His name's Jon
and he asked me to go out on Saturday!"
I was suddenly confused, "What do you mean? What about Darien?"
She rolled her eyes at my lack of knowledge, "We broke up, after
homecoming."
I ignored her sarcasm, "Why?"
She shrugged, "He wasn't interested in me, and I wasn't interested in him.
He just made a good Homecoming date."
Just like that Mina had made my day, and suddenly I wanted out of the
stupid hospital, out of the stupid gown and into my own clothing. I wanted to
win Darien, this time I wasn't going to sit around while he got some other girl
to date.
In a day I was out of the hospital, but I was never left alone. At home my
door was always open, and somebody always made sure I ate and slept. When I was
out I was with Andrew, Mina, or Darien.
Darien and I hadn't argued since I had seen him and Mina at the movies,
and I liked the fact that we were now talking. So I started spending time at his
house, I did my homework there and just sat there talking to him for hours on
end. It seemed that we would never run out of things to talk about.
Then Andrew finally got what he wished for, Mina asked him out. Darien and
I laughed saying it was destined to happen sooner or later, and accompanied them
to the movies for their first date. After a month I knew it was serious, and
suddenly I was happy that it had finally happened to Andrew, but I was also
waiting for it to happen to me.
Darien and I started going out every Friday night, but only as friends. It
meant more to me then it possible could have to him, but those were always the
times when I was happiest.
That is when I got careless, and left my journal at his house.
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*
Some things you just don't want people to know while other things you fear
people knowing, and as soon as I found out I'd misplaced it I realized where I'd
left it. I'd begun to carry it around with me in order to write about the little
things that happen during the day, and I had written in it at Darien's house.
I panicked at the thought of him having read my deepest thoughts, most of
which were about him. I ran off not knowing why or where I was going till I got
there.
Without knowing it I had arrived at the first place I had ever met Darien.
A small tree house behind my house where we spent most of our younger years. I
sat in the tree house for probably hours before he found me. I don't know how I
knew, but somehow I knew that if I sat there long enough he would find me.
He sat there not saying anything for the longest time, before finally
looking at me. "Why? Why didn't you ever tell me?"
I couldn't look at him, I couldn't face the disappointment of knowing he
hated me now. "I couldn't, what would it have changed anyway."
He was quiet for a minute, "Everything."
My head jerked up at his statement and I stared at him trying to find the
truth hidden behind his eyes. "Don't joke with me, Darien."
He didn't say anything for a long while, "Do you remember the night Mina
ran away, because she thought she was adopted?" I nodded. "Do you remember that
while we were searching for her you nearly fell over the edge of that cliff
behind my house?" Another nod. "Do you remember what I said to you?"
I searched my memory, and finally came up with the piece he was talking
about. He had told me then he would never let me fall, and I had shook my head
and told him not to lie and he replied that he could never lie to me.
"I meant it, Serena. I would never lie to you, I couldn't."
I searched his eyes again, "What are you saying to me, Darien?"
He grinned, "I love you, since that time you fell out of your tree and
broke your arm so bad you had to have surgery, and Andrew kept telling me you
were going to die. I thought I'd never be able to go on without you."
I didn't think this was real that he could really love me after all I'd
been through but there he was and suddenly he kissed me. This kiss was nothing
compared to the one he had given Mina, this one proved to me beyond all doubt
that Darien Sheilds loved me just as much as I loved him. And suddenly I was I
lived to see this day.