Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ Everything You Want -Book One- Everything You Want ❯ Promise to Try (2001) ( Chapter 12 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

*Little girl don't you forget her face
*Laughing away your tears
*When she was the one who felt all the pain
*Little girl never forget her eyes
*Keep them alive inside
*I promise to try -- it's not the same

"Serenity... this will be yours someday. When I am gone, when the moon
calls you to her throne... you will have to forget about that little
blue planet below us. My love, my daughter, you were always mine...
now your heart and mind are down there... away from me. I wished for
you... so hard. A little girl to follow in my footsteps, to fill my
heart and take all the love I had."

Queen Serenity brushed the long tresses of her daughter. Tears tickled
her eyes, the tears begging to be let loose. She would not let them.

"Mother, I love him. Endymion is the other half of my heart... I will
never rule anything without him."

Queen Serenity nodded. "I know. I've known all your life. Your destiny
lies with him. Just not now, not yet. Remember something, my lovely
daughter, I have held such a burden in my heart knowing your destiny
from the day I conceived you. I have raised you, loved you, cherished
you. All I do, all I have done, I did for you and for the future. I
hope you grow to a regal woman, a woman who will follow in my
footsteps as a peaceful ruler, but a woman who is her own."

Serenity nodded, not really understanding what her mother had been
saying, why her mother's voice was so hushed and full. A burden?
Outside, Serenity heard a commotion.

"Mother?" Serenity looked into the loving eyes of the woman who had
wished her into being.

Tears now streaked down her mother's face. "Destiny calls tonight, my
love, and you must open the door. I love you."

Warm lips and warm tears graced Serenity's forehead as she heard the
war on the palace take hold...

***

Usagi bolted up in her bed. She was covered in sweat, tears making
their way down her cheeks. "Mother."

Usagi and Mamoru had been married for two years, living in Mamoru's
apartment. Ikuko had just passed away. And Usagi had been plagued with
memories of herself long ago, of her Moon kingdom mother.

"She had been right," Usagi sniffed in the darkness. "We would rule
together." She was alone in bed again. Mamoru spent so little time
with her now. She was left alone, trying to fight the flood of fears
that were now arising. She had not told him anything, but she was so
tired lately.

Ikuko had been a wonderful and supportive mother. The woman who had
given her life in this time and place. But, deep in Usagi's soul, she
longed for the touch of the woman who had wished on a star one lonely
night and willed her into being. Knowing how much Queen Serenity had
wanted her, her and not wanting to share her with anyone else, made
Usagi feel so wanted and now, so very sad.

"Mother, I wish you could be here." She placed a hand on her
just-budding belly. "Usagi will be here in a few months. I know she
will be a great warrior. I *know* her destiny. The same as you knew
mine." Tears fell down Usagi's cheeks. "Only her destiny... her
destiny does not cause me pain as mine must have caused you."

Soon to be Neo-Queen Serenity, the regal, the beautiful, the lonely
little girl who was to rule the Earth, curled up in a fetal position
and cried into her hands.

"Mother..."

*Keep your head held high -- ride like the wind
*Never look behind, life isn't fair
*That's what you said, so I try not to care
*Little girl don't run away so fast I think you forgot to kiss -- kiss
her goodbye

"Usagi! A 33?! No more sweets for you! No more comics! Only your
textbooks! Go to your room! Now! Study!" Ikuko pointed up the stairs
to Usagi's room. A weepy Usagi trudged up, her stomach grumbling.

"But Moooooom..."

"Study. Now."

Usagi continued to her room and slammed the door. She plumped down on
the floor and pulled out her books. If only studying wasn't so hard!
She took out the papers Ms. Haruna had passed out today and began to
go over them.

"I try so hard." Usagi looked over all the low grades. "I am a past
Moon Princess, I am Sailor Moon, I will become a great ruler of Earth,
and I can't even understand math!"

Usagi closed her books hard, frustrated. She began to cry, not wail,
just a gentle sob. She felt so hopeless. A knock came at her door. She
wiped the tears quickly, but knew her red eyes would give her away.

"Come in."

In walk her Mom, a basket of chocolate cupcakes in tow. "Usagi," she
began as she sat down and handed Usagi a glass of milk, "I know you
try." Ikuko looked at her daughter. "I know you do. But, I feel you do
not try enough. I don't know why, but I feel as if you will become
someone of great importance in this world and I don't want you to be
unprepared."

Usagi looked into her Mom's blue eyes. "You are my daughter, but
sometime, I feel like I hardly know you." Ikuko smiled at Usagi. "You
know, you were quite unexpected sixteen years ago. I had wished for a
daughter and bam, I was pregnant with the most amazing daughter..."
Ikuko reached out and stroked her daughter's face. "Be everything your
destiny needs you to be, Usagi. I love you." Ikuko stood, gently
kissed Usagi on the forehead, and walked out the door...

***

'Two mothers,' Usagi thought. 'Two mothers and neither did I ever
appreciate until they were gone, until it was too late to say 'thank
you for wanting for me' -- too late for goodbye.'

"Usako?"

Usagi looked up from the mirror. "Mamo-chan?" She looked at his
reflection. Then looked at hers. She was pale, and thinning. Her eyes
were red, sad, and a window to the torment she kept deep inside her.
Tears began to fall.

"Mamo-chan, I..." she faltered.

He kneeled beside her. "Usako? Are you not well? Shall I call Ami? Is
Usagi ok? Are you hurt?" He searched her face for the woman he had
seen not too long ago, one who was full of life and smiles. Yes,
Ikuko's death had shaken Usagi, and then to be followed by the news
she was with child...

"I... I think I need to lay down." Usagi stood up and shed her robe.
The dreams had become waking visions. She lay down in the cool sheets,
her Prince sitting next to her, stroking her hair until sleep came.

*Will she see me cry when I stumble and fall
*Does she hear my voice in the night when I call
*Wipe away all your tears, it's gonna be all right
*I fought to be so strong, I guess you knew
*I was afraid you'd go away, too

After a week of memories and visions, Ami finally got Usagi to come in
for a check up.

"Usagi! You look so tired! Are you not sleeping?"

"Ami," Usagi looked at the blue-haired doctor. "I need to talk with
Rei. Can you find her for me?"

Ami nodded and walked Usagi to the door. "Go to bed. Stay there until
Rei comes. It shouldn't be long."

Usagi nodded, her vision clouded with apprehension.

Twenty minutes later, Rei came through the door into the Queen's
private rooms. "Usagi?" She approached the bed. "Usagi, Ami said you
needed me?"

Usagi looked up from the big bed. "Rei, what do your visions tell you?
What is their purpose?"

Rei looked down on the fragile Queen, so pale and so sad looking. "My
visions? Their purpose is to help guide my loved ones and me to our
destinies. The offer wisdom and knowledge I would not know without
them."

"Do you believe all visions are like that?"

"No. I don't." She looked at Usagi. "Do you want to tell me something,
Usagi?"

Usagi shook her head. "Why do you say not all visions are like that?"

Rei thought for a moment. "Some visions, I believe, remind us of what
has been done so that we may learn from those wrong turns. They are
there to help us move on or to help us cope with current situations.
Not all visions are for the advancement of the future, some are in
remembrance of the past or the lessons we need to learn from other
lives."

Usagi nodded. "Thank you, Rei."

Rei nodded and got up. "If you need me, please, call for me."

Usagi nodded again.

"Sleep well." Rei brushed her lips across Usagi's forehead and left
the room.

Usagi closed her eyes and slept peacefully. No visions of the past.
Just deep black.

Hours later, she awoke. She felt as if she was no longer alone. The
child kicked and Usagi found she needed to relieve herself. Now. She
raced to her bathroom and when she came out, walked to the large
windows and looked out over Tokyo.

"Mother..." she sniffled, Queen Serenity coming to mind, "Mom..." she
called to Ikuko, "do you still hear me? Do you two know how much I
miss you and how much I need you? What is it you are both trying to
tell me?"

*Little girl you've got to forget the past
*And learn to forgive me
*I promise to try -- but it feels like a lie
*Don't let memory play games with your mind
*She's a faded smile frozen in time
*I'm still hanging on -- but I'm doing it wrong

"Usagi."

"Serenity."

Usagi spun in her room and was faced with the pale figures of the two
women who had given her life. A choked sob came from her throat as she
slowly moved forward, her hand out-stretched to Queen Serenity.

"Mother?" The figure smiled and nodded as Usagi's hand touched cool
flesh. She turned to the other woman. "Mom?" Ikuko nodded and took
Usagi's other hand as it was offered.

"Forgive us, Serenity." Queen Serenity looked at her daughter. "I
wanted to tell you, my sweet daughter, you must let go. You are soon
to be mother; you have a kingdom to rule. Do not try and be me.
Remember, long ago, I told you to follow in my footsteps as a peaceful
ruler, but to be your *own* ruler. Do not try and become me." Queen
Serenity smiled a sad smile. "I am here, always, watching you, love,
forever being proud of what you have accomplished -- seeing you grow
big with your own child, your own light. Think of me, Serenity, think
of me and know my hand wipes at your tears. But, let go of the past.
The present and the future need you now."

"Usagi, I knew you were special." Ikuko sniffled. "I watched you grow,
I helped you when you fell, I watched you become a wife, I will watch
you become a Queen, and now I will watch you become a mother. But,
Queen Serenity is right. You must let go. You make yourself
ill and put your little one in jeopardy. You are your own Queen. Make
us proud. We are here."

They each kissed her on her cheek and then stood back, their forms
fading in the darkness.

"Mom, Mother!" Usagi reached out, trying to grasp what was solid a
moment ago. "Please, don't leave me! I need you! I need you both so
much! I cannot do this alone!"

Queen Serenity's voice called from somewhere Usagi could not follow.
"Alone? You are never alone, my little girl. We are here; Endymion is
here, your Senshi are here. You will never be alone."

Ikuko's voice added, "But you must be able to stand alone."

The two women chorused, "Goodbye, bright star."

Usagi fell to the floor, sobs wracking her body. "Momma... Mother..."

Sometime in the dawn, she crawled into bed and fell asleep, knowing
the visions of the past would never come again. Not unless she sought
them out. They had retreated. Still there, but her two precious
mothers had removed their direct presence from her life. She felt
alone.

*Can't kiss her goodbye -- but I promise to try

In the warm afternoon light, Usagi awoke. Almost refreshed, her heart
not so heavy. She had dreamed. Had a vision. She had a vision of two
women who had shared in the destiny of a little girl who had grown up.
They were sitting in a green field on a checker blanket, bother
sipping tea and sharing memories of that little girl.

"I can do this. I can be her. I am a good person, my destiny is set."
She held her hands over her womb. "I will always be there for you,
ChibiUsa. I will never kiss you goodbye. Just like I will never kiss
them goodbye."

'I promise, Ikuko, Serenity, I promise to try and be the woman you
both dreamed of.'

Usagi smiled in the warm sun. Cobwebs gone, fears easing, knowing two
women who loved her so were near, watching.