Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ Lemonade and Liquor ❯ Lemonade and Liquor ( Prologue )

Author's Note: Rated PG13

O.o!!! Konyanyachiwaaa!!! Hoeh! I stole Kero-chan's greeting. Gomen, Kero-chan. Anyways. I got bored, so I decided to write another fanfic. ^_^ I've decided that angst, romance, and drama are fun and all, but I love doing these kooky Outers humor fics. They're fun. I don't own anything but the plot, and even then, I'm not sure if there is one. Wish I owned the Outers, but.I don't. ~)*: So sad. Anyways. This is the sequel to "Coffee, Sandboxes, and Psychedelic Flowers", my other Outers humor fic. 'Super miffage!' is my own little phrase, which, to me, means, 'Really cool!' AND IF YOU TAKE IT, DEATH BEFALL YOU! I CURSE YOU AND ANYONE RELATED TO YOU WITH PURPLE ELEPHANTS AND PINK BEAVERS! And um, with the Pikachus, dingoes, liederhosen, and Germany? My girlfriend came up with that. I just added penguins for DRAMATIC EFFECTS!!! BWAHAHAHAHA! XD Liederhosen is traditional German clothing, by the way. You know, the little green yodler suits? There are some inside jokes in here, and you might not understand them, because...well...they're INSIDE jokes. They're in there for: Trisha, Hazel, Carrie, and Jenna! And also my mom, even though I know she'll never read this. This is how I see the Outers, by the way, except overly exaggerated. Michiru's all perfect and elegant and divine. Setsuna's all mysterious and moody and complex and serious. And Haruka's just.Haruka. She's silly, sometimes. Hot, though. ::swoons:: Oh yes. Very hot. Absolutely yummy.::glomps Haruka::
POOKIE WOOKIE BISHIE HEAD!!!! Ahem. This is something of a very slight self-insertion fic. You know, how some people put themselves in their fics. But I'm not a character, I'm just THE ALL POWERFUL AND MIGHTY AUTHOR! Anyway. Have fun!

WhiteTiger19291@aol.com



"Setsuna, I'm bored." Haruka whined, flopping on the couch next to the beloved resident grouch.

Grunt. Haruka sighed, poking her. Grunt.

"What are you reading?" she asked.

"Words. In a book."

Haruka quirked an eyebrow. More than two syllables. That was quite the rarity.

"Is it good so far?"

Grunt. Silence followed the gracious reply given by the omnipotent Senshi of Time. Haruka poked her again.

"Setsunaaa." she whined annoyingly.

"Away. Now."

Haruka pouted.

She got to her feet and trudged off to find Michiru, who was off in their bedroom on the verandah with her easel. Painting the ocean. Again.

"Koi?" Haruka asked.

"Hai, Haruka?"

"I'm bored."

"Go play with Hotaru, then."

"She's over at Usagi's playing with Chibi- Usa, remember? She's spending the night."

"Ara, I remember now. Then go play with Setsuna-chan."

"She's reading."

"What is she reading?"

"If I may quote her, 'Words. In a book,'" Haruka muttered flatly.

"Koibito, could you get me a drink?" Michiru asked.

She turned around, her aquamarine hair catching the sunlight, whirling in the air around her picturesque face, creating a soft green halo. The air around Michiru glittered and sparkled, and a mass of cherry blossoms blew in from nowhere. Twinkly music played for the cherry blossom thing. Meanwhile, I, THE ALL POWERFUL AND MIGHTY AUTHOR am searching for hidden speakers around Michiru, and a leaf blower blowing cherry blossoms, and a little air-pressure cannon poof thingy to make glitter come out of nowhere. Michiru's perfect, full lips curled into a sweet, perfect smile.

"Onegai, koibito?"

Haruka grinned. Ah. That cute, lopsided grin that makes even I, the ALL POWERFUL AND MIGHTY AUTHOR swoon like a drunk monkey.

"Okay." Haruka got up and went to the kitchen.

She passed the Guardian of the Underworld, who still read her words in a book. She dug around in the cupboard, finding Kool-Aid lemonade mix. She dug around some more in the pantry for the pitcher, which she eventually found. Haruka emerged from the pantry with a pitcher, a rather sizable two liter bottle of tequila, and a horribly, horribly evil smile.

"There shall be hell to pay, ladies, for boring the great Ten'ou Haruka!" she bellowed, raising the bottle of tequila high.

It glinted dramatically in the fluorescent kitchen lights, which flickered when a bug flew into one of the lights and fried itself with a loud, "Zzzt!" noise.

"Keep it down!" Setsuna growled.

Haruka blew a raspberry to Setsuna, pulling down her eyelid as well, grateful that Setsuna could not see her. Lest a mighty blow from the legendary Time Staff be delivered to the back of her cute little cranium and cause her momentary discomfort. Haruka shuddered, remembering the time she had gotten bored and stole Setsuna's underwear and hung it up on the house's gutters for all passer-by to view. One blow from the Staff = three stitches and a mild concussion. And little penguins dancing around her head, chanting, "I'm a German Pikachu! I like to wear liederhosen and drink Foster's Australian Beer with German dingoes!"

Haruka's left eye developed an unhealthy twitch just thinking about the penguins. She sought comfort in the act of banging her head against the refrigerator.

"The liederhosen! It haunts me!" she wailed. She shook her head, banishing the penguins and the liederhosen.

She proceeded to pour the Kool-Aid powder, which sadly, wasn't the really cool kind that changed colors, into the pitcher. She popped open the top of the tequila bottle and poured it into the pitcher.

'Screw water. Tequila's more fun,' she chuckled. 'Don't care much for drinking water anyway. The human body's composed of 75% water, so drinking water could be considered practical cannibalism,' she thought.

She poured two tall glasses of the lemonade and tequila and walked into the living room with them. She went over to Setsuna and offered her a glass.

"Thank you, Haruka," Setsuna said, looking up at the Senshi of Wind, her garnet eyes glinting with 'mysteriocity', wisdom, utter knowledge, and sleep deprivation.

"That's nifty how you do that with your eyes, Setsuna. Super miffage!"

Setsuna took the glass, ignoring the comment, and mysteriously sipped the drink, pondering the depths of the universe and the human mind with her oddment tweak of a complex, dubbed the Setsuna complex by THE ALL POWERFUL AND MIGHTY AUTHOR. It is also called the double reverse Oedipus Hamlet theoretical complex. Confusing, ain't it? Haruka turned the radio on. It was on one of Setsuna's Ella Fitzgerald cd's. "Ants are invading my paaants," Ella crooned from the speakers, Setsuna crooning along with her with her rich, mysteeeerious alto. Haruka's left eye began to convulsively twitch again. Setsuna began to giggle. Haruka changed the cd to the radio, which was on 100.1 FM, one of Setsuna's favorite stations. It was a progressive station, on which new, undiscovered artists wailed their hearts out for the public to hear. 90.3 was also another of Setsuna's favorites. It was NPR, mostly classical, but with some good comedy programs and news.

"...your body is a wonderland." sang some guy from the speaker, sounding all pained and angsty.

Setsuna giggled. The last word had been unclear to her.

"He just told me my body was wobbling, Haruka," she snickered.

Haruka's eyes went wide. She changed the station to 90.3 FM. It just so happened that one of the comedy programs was on. It was obviously some half- wit super model skit.

"...and I'd like, like to toootally thank the like, toootally nice people from Beautiful Home magazine, who like, thought my house was like, so toootally beautiful. But most of all, I'd toootally like to thank duct tape. Without duct tape, I, like, so could not have won. The judges just like, toootally loved the way I stuck strips of it to my ceiling and let it hang down vertically. It like gives my house karmic verticality.and catches flies, too."

At which point, Setsuna collapsed from the couch and rolled around on the floor, flapping her arms like a deranged chicken, kicking her legs, and laughing like a howler monkey with laryngitis on steroids.

"Karmic verticality!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!" Setsuna cackled.

Haruka backed away from Setsuna, realizing just then how low Setsuna's alcohol tolerance was. She walked shakily to her bedroom, which Michiru so elegantly graced with her divine presence. She handed Michiru the drink, which Michiru gracefully took and delicately sipped. After a while, she thought, 'Damn, this stuff is strong! It's good!' and decided to elegantly guzzle it.

She dropped the glass, which landed with a soft thud on the carpeted floor, and belched like a sailor. Which she did elegantly, keep in mind. Michiru calmly walked past Haruka and into the living room to join Setsuna, who was still rolling around howling about karmic verticality. Michiru hit a button on the stereo, and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart's Eine Kleine Nachtmusik boomed so loud from the speakers that it made Haruka's guts vibrate. Michiru elegantly hopped onto the coffee table and began to headbang. Her headbanging would have put Linkin Park, Limp Bizkit, and every rock group to complete and utter shame. She was headbanging so hard Haruka could practically hear Michiru's brain slamming violently into the inner walls of her skull over the impossibly loud violin music. Setsuna rose, pirouetting around the room, shrieking, "PRETTY PRETTY PRINCESS!" at the top of her ancient and mysterious lungs.

Michiru started to sing some nonsense song to Eine Kleine Nachtmusik at the top of her perfect, elegant lungs. Her song was about bon-bons, flamingoes, cheese, and death by Doritos. I know. Interesting combination. Haruka fell backwards onto the couch, laughing so hard she was sure her ribs had punctured her lungs. When the song was over, Setsuna put it on the radio again, this time to 92.1, 92 Q, which was a rap, hip-hop, and R&B station. All of which none of them could stand. "Wobble Wobble" by the 504 Boyz came on. Setsuna jumped onto the coffee table with Michiru and began to, ahem, what is it called? 'Pop it out'? The thing that rap guys' girlfriends do with their butts. That weird dance that gave me nightmares for weeks. Anyhoo, Setsuna did it. And it disturbed Haruka to the point of disbelief. Haruka lay on the floor, twitching convulsively like a dying creature.

"I'm too ghetto for you, guuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrl!" Setsuna yelled, doing the voice and all, acting like her name was Shanaynay or Marqueesha.

Michiru, on the other hand, seemed to think she was a southern belle. Think Tattie from State of Grace, if you watch that show. She's Gracey's mom. Or Scarlet O'Hara from Gone With the Wind. She covered her mouth daintily with her hand, gawping at Setsuna.

"Well, ah dee-clair! Ah've nevah huhd such a thang in mah laf! Goodness me! Ah feel faint! Mammy, go get me my Spirits of Camphor!" Michiru said in that annoying, slightly shushy southern belle voice.

"Holla back, young'n!" Setsuna hooted, waving her arm around her head like she had a lasso. This nearly violent motion sent the mysteriously drunk-off-her-keester Time Goddess reeling and she fell off the table to land with a mysterious thud on her mysterious, yet yummy keester.

She sat there, blinking stupidly for a few seconds, before getting back up.

"HOOOOOO-WEEEEEEEE! I gawt me a big'un, Earl! Spank my monkey and call me Jebediah! Tell the missus to bust out m'banjo! It's salmon for dinner, tonight! Ain't gon' be roadkill! HOOOOO-WEEEE!" Setsuna howled, slapping her knee.

Haruka lay on the floor, gasping for breath, the pain in her chest unbearable. She felt that if she laughed anymore, she would explode.

"Why, goodness me, chahld! You sound lahk an asthmatic elephant in the heat of the moment!" Michiru scolded.

Haruka burst into another helpless fit of laughter. Setsuna staggered into the kitchen, banging into walls and furniture on the way, and returned with a plastic butter knife, a green Sharpie, and a stick of celery. She gave Michiru the celery, who took it and started waving it around making the Jedi lightsaber noises from Star Wars whilst Setsuna colored her butter knife green. After a short while, she held up the finished product.

"I, LORD BOOZE, SHALL FIGHT THEE, KNAVE WITH MY GREEN DESTINY BUTTER KNIFE! FEEL THE PAIN, THOU WINTER CRICKET, THOU! THOU WHORESON!" Setsuna bellowed, waving around the butter knife and poking Michiru with it.

Michiru squealed, grabbing the throw blanket off the couch and wrapping herself in it.

"I, Darth Wasted, shall battle you, fool! May the force be with me!" she countered.

And so, two of the three most elegant fully-grown and age- wise stable Senshi in all existence sparred across the room with a green butter knife and a stick of celery. Michiru kept on making the annoying light saber noise, whilst Setsuna cried out in Ye Olde English and The Hobbit English.

"Great elephants! This knave battles on more bravely than all of King Henry's tuppence whores combined! CONFUSTICATE YOU, DARTH WASTED! CURSE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY WITH PINK POTATOES, and may I say how lovely they are, UNTIL THE DAY YOUR NAVEL CAVES IN TO LANDS BEYOND OUR REACH! PRAISE THE UNICORNS!"

The last of the three most elegant Senshi rolled around on the floor, laughing, unable to stop. And so it continued on until the ungodly hour of 3 AM. 'Lord Booze' simply collapsed and curled up into a little ball and began to snore. 'Darth Wasted' fell over, eyes rolling back. 'Darth Wasted' and her 'lightsaber' were asleep before they hit the floor. Haruka fell asleep two seconds before 'Lord Booze' began to snore.

. . .=In the Morning=. . .

Haruka pulled Michiru's hair away from her face as she prayed to the porcelain gods. Haruka grimaced, shutting her eyes tight, as her perfect lover on her perfect hangover tangoed with the toilet oh so gracefully. Michiru lay back on the tile, bleary-eyed. And still the cherry blossoms and the glitter and the twinkly music came. Setsuna mysteriously pelted into the bathroom, shoving Haruka away from the toilet and spilled her ancient guts. Setsuna flushed the toilet, sitting down, glaring at Haruka with her mysteriously hung-over, bloodshot, hazy, overly pissy, ancient eyeballs of DOOM. Michiru groaned elegantly.

"When I find enough Tylenol to make this bearable, Haruka, you will pay. Dearly," Michiru threatened elegantly, her softly lilting mezzo soprano cracking and hoarse from puking.

Oh, but the way she puked. So beautifully.

"Amen to that, Michiru," Setsuna grumbled.

She was so ancient, one could almost hear the dust in her voice. Michiru and Setsuna both glared at Haruka, who laughed nervously and began to back away.

"Amen."

"HELP!!!!!!"

One can guess who called for help, amidst the banging and beating noises. Poor Haruka. The moral of this oddment tweak of a fanfic? Always keep a jumbo bottle of Tylenol handy after a drink. ^_^

OWARI