Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ MST of Are Two Heads Better than One? ❯ Chapter 1

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Are Two Heads Better Than One?
A Sailor Moon MSTing

Original fic by: James Harrington

MSTing by: M.H. Torringjan

Okay, I know. I've done James already. And I've already done Koopa, too,
but that isn't stopping me from having fun with their stuff. I don't own
Pokemon. Nintendo and Game Freaks do. I'm not doing this for money. It's the
Internet, for god's sake! Who makes money off of there? :-) I don't own
MST3K. Best Brains does. I don't own Sailor Moon. Naoko Takeuchi does. Any
of the other products and characters mentioned in the passing of this MSTing
are owned by their respective creators. Now, if there is no further ado...

In the not-too distant future,
Next Sunday A.D.
There were some bitchin' trainers,
Pokemon trainers to you and me.
They wandered 'round the world to become the best,
Trying to beat out all the rest,
They did well for a while,
But then they lost one little battle
And were shot into space
(Ash: Pi-ka-chuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!)
We'll send them crapy fanfics,
The worst we can find(la, la, la!)
They'll have to sit and watch them all
And we'll monitor their minds.(la, la, la!)
Now keep in mind Ash can't control when the fanfics begin and end
He'll try to keep his sanity with the help of his trainer friends!

(Poke roll call!)

Cambot!
(We're on!)

Misty!
(Splish, splash!)

Michelle!
(I'm not a trainer)

Broooooock!
(Hentai baka!)

If you're wondering how they eat and breathe and other science facts,
Just repeat to yourself, "It's just a fanfic
I should really just relax!"
For Mystery Pokemon Theatre 3000!(TWAAAANG!)

Reverse door sequence

"Yes? And you would be wanting?" Duke Earl asks, looking around to where
the figure stands, silhouetted in the doorway.
"My name is Inengo Montoya. You killed my father; prepare to die," the
figure replies. Her foil is quickly in hand, ready to meet the metal of the
Duke. The Duke draws to attack the figure quickly. He truly does not wish to
lose his life, but he knows that it is a distinct possibility.
The two swords meet as the Duke lunges towards the figure. The figure
parries easily and counters with a slash to the arm.
"Not a bad shot!" the Duke exclaims, returning to the en garde position.
He quickly advances, charging the figure and slashing quickly. After a few
skillful parries by the figure, the Duke succeeds in delivering a hit to the
left shoulder of the figure. "How's that?"
"Very good!" the figure replies, as she recovers and gives a quick shot to
the chest of the Duke. "But not good enough."
"Okay! Okay! I give up!" the Duke exclaims as the blade sticks at his
chest. "Can we stop playing now?"
"Yeah, sure!" Michelle replies. "Thanks for helping me out with that.
It's been a year or two since I've been able to fence, so I thought that I'd get
some practice in. If I'd been in practice, I would have easily evaded that
charge, you know."
"Yeah, sure," Brock replies. "If I had a quarter for every time I heard
Ash say something like that, I'd be able to buy my family a new house. And what
was with the 'Inengo Montoya' thing?"
"Guys! The Mads are calling!" Ash exclaims from the bridge. "And it
seems important!"
"James has probably just misplaced Meowth again," Michelle says to Brock.
Michelle and Brock put away their equipment and casually meander to the bridge.
She presses the button.

Deep 151

"Guys, I'm a bit worried about James," Jesse says as the channel opens.

"Well, what's wrong with him?" Misty asks as she enters from the living
room.

"Take a look for yourself," Meowth replies, moving away from Tobmac.
James is sitting at a desk, five game consoles surrounding him.
"He's gotten addicted to these new RPG's that have multiple endings,"
Jesse says. "He's playing Chrono Cross, Chrono Trigger, and Star Ocean: The
Second Story all at once so that he can get all of the endings. He's been this
way for a couple of days.
"Yes! I got the Nu ending!" James exclaims.
"If he doesn't stop soon, I'm going to have to hurt him," Jesse says.
"And I really don't feel up to it today. Anyway, get on with your invention."

"Well, our invention today is a boon for bureaucrats everywhere!" Misty
exclaims. "I came up with it myself. Have you ever had this happen to you
before?"
Ash approaches a desk, where Brock is sitting with a cash register. "I'd
like to buy these books," Ash says.
Brock rings up the pile of books. "That'll be $24.42, please," Brock
replies. Ash whips out his check-book.
"Oh, darn! I forgot my pen! Could I use one of yours?" Ash asks. Brock
hands him a pen, Ash fills out the check, hands it to Brock and walks away.
"Hey!" Brock exclaims after a moment of silence, "Where's my pen?! And
that was my last one, too!"
"Yes, it happens all the time, everywhere in the world," Misty says.
"Millions of pens are lost or stolen every day, causing grief and pain in the
minds of the public. Our invention today solves all of that! Observe a similar
situation after applying our invention."
Michelle walks up to the counter, carrying a pile of books. "I'd like to
purchase these, if you would please," Michelle says to Brock, who rings up the
books.
"That'll be $24.42," Brock says. Michelle reaches in her pocket and takes
out her checkbook.
"You know, I've forgotten my pen. Can I borrow one of yours?" Michelle
asks. Brock hands her a large pen so thick that she has to wrap all her fingers
around it to use it properly. She hands him the check and begins to walk away.
All of a sudden, from the pen, sirens sound and a voice calls out,
"Attention! You are about to remove a pen from its rightful ownership! Please
replace the pen quickly or you will be incapacitated!"
"Yes, we've invented the Pen-Loss Security System!" Misty exclaims over
the noise generated by the pen. "You'll never run out of pens again! We're
working on other office products with similar premises, so that we can make a
major movement against office product theft! What do you think, sirs?"

"Not bad," Jesse exclaims. "Unfortunately, ours is much better! You know
how some popular sports like Bull-riding have robotic sparring partners and
opponents?"

"Bull-riding? Popular?" Brock asks, leaning on the cash register.

"Trust me, just work with us," Jesse says. "Well, we've invented a
sparring partner of sorts for another fast-growing sport in today's society:
Underwater Basket-weaving!" Meowth leads a robot out from behind a curtain.

"Underwater basket-weaving? Popular? A sport?" Brock asks again.
"Never heard of it," Michelle says.

"SILENCE!" Jesse exclaims inexplicably. "Instead of demonstrating it,
though, I'm just going to send you into your fanfic for this week. We went
searching long and hard for something worthy of being this week's feature. We
dredged up everywhere from Sakura's Lemon Archive to the Anime Web Turnpike! We
looked on JupiterKnight's Archive! We searched our dumpsters out back to see
what we could dredge up!! We finally found one so cruel, so diabolic, so
EVIL!!! .......Oh, who am I kidding? It's just another fic by James
Harrington. But it is one of his earlier things! It's a nice little cliched
clone fic called, 'Are Two Heads Better Than One?' By the end, you'll be
crying, 'OOC' so damn hard, your eyes will ooze out of their sockets! Put the
hurt on them, Meowth."

"Have we done James Harrington on here before?" Michelle asks.
"No, I don't think so," Ash replies. "Why?"
"No reason," Michelle comments. "I just hope that it isn't another self-
insert of his." Then, the sirens, klaxons, bells, whistles, and lights signal
to enter the theater. "Oh, we've got FANFIC SIGN!"

Door 6: A solid wall. A short, gray guy points at it to make a hole in it.

Door 5: A chest of drawers. You open the top drawer and climb down into it.

Door 4: The barrel of a cannon. You climb down it.

Door 3: A wall of fire. You get Squirtle to put it out.

Door 2: A large hand. All of the fingers fold into a fist to punch through door
1.5 (the sheet of paper)

Door 1: A vault door. You turn the handle and it swings open easily.

Everyone moves to take their seats quickly.
Brock: Why don't you carry me across the vent in the floor, Michelle?
Michelle: Because you can walk on your own. Besides, Ash is the closest thing
that we've got to Tom. Would you like me to carry you, Ash?
Ash: Sure, why not?
Brock: (Glares at Ash, who sticks his tongue out at Brock)

>Are Two Heads Better Than One?

Misty: Or, "Mom, I Married my Siamese Twin," on the next Springer!
Brock: Or, "I've Got Two Sets of Genitalia," on the Springer after next!
Michelle: Oscar'd be real popular on *that* one!
Ash: This title holds so many possibilities in and of itself...
Michelle: Ash...

>A new Sailor Moon adventure

Misty: Well, is it a new Sailor Moon or a new adventure? There's the first
ambiguity.
Ash: Wait a minute! This is a cloning fic! That's a pun! It's funny!

>by: James Harrington
>
>Part 1: First Strike

Misty: Wow, it's a Star-Trek Cross-over, too! Let's see James get assimilated!
Michelle: Ummm, "First Contact?"

>The alarm clock went off.

Brock: *crunch!*
Michelle: Some snooze button you got there!

>Serena and Rini both jumped out of bed
>at the same time.

Ash: Hey, it's a new Olympic sport! Synchronized morning-routine!
Misty: Judging by this scene, they're going for the gold in 2008...

>As usual, they were late for school.

Brock: Well, they seem to be in character so far.
Ash: But they haven't said anything.
Brock: And? They're still in character!

>Rini was finished
>dressing before Serena because Serena kept tripping over herself and her
>stuff.

Michelle: (Serena) Ow! Damn left foot! Ouch! Damn right foot! Hey! Damn
bookbag! Crap! Damn cat!
Misty: (Luna) Hey!

>She ran down the stairs with her light red ponytails flapping in the
>breeze.

Misty: (Rini) Carry me away, magical ponytails!
Ash: (Rini) I can fly!
Brock: Somebody's been into the Happy-Plant!

>Her toy(or is it a pet?), Lunaball followed in close tow.

Ash: (Lunaball) Help! She's keeping me prisoner! Save me!
Michelle: And, in her first role off the Island of Misfit toys...!
Brock: (Lunaball) Who wants to play with a robotic cat ball?
Misty: I'm sure it'll be the big thing next Christmas...

> Serena's father greeted her as she ran in and out of the kitchen for
>breakfast and lunch in one grab.

Michelle: And the hand-off! She's going for the twenty... the fifteen... The
ten... She could go ALL THE WAY!!!
Brock: <snicker>

>She was out the door in record time.

Misty: Well, so far, the story has consisted of a literate interpretation of "A
Day in the Life."
Michelle: Let's see him do "I Am the Walrus."

> Serena, on the other hand, wasn't as fast. She got out of the door in
>record slowest time.

Ash: (Serena) You know, I just don't care anymore! I mean, do I even want to
save the world anymore? Don't think so...

>She even almost forgot her breakfast.

Misty: And we have the first instance of OOCness! Give me a time on that!
Brock: That was fifteen lines, ma'am! I don't think that it's a record, but
it's pretty darned fast!
Ash: But it's not OOC...
Michelle: Fanboy...

> Along the way to school, Serena met her friend, Amy. She was late
>as well and running.

Michelle: Ow! (slumps over in her seat)
Brock: Michelle! What's wrong?!
Michelle: Sorry, that one-two punch just kind of caught me off-guard. I'm
cool...

> "My gosh, Amy," Serena said, amazed, "You're going to be late?"

Ash: (Amy) No, I'm not pregnant. But, I will be tardy for class today!
Michelle: Right. Amy? And a guy? Ri-------ght...

> "Yes, regrettably," Amy replied. Serena had to slow down so as not
>to pass Amy, her being unaccustomed to running to school.

Brock: (stretching) God! Well, that was a long story! Can we get out of here
now?
Misty: Nope, we've got about sixteen pages left.
Brock: Damn.

>"I was up late
>last night studying for the math final with Greg."

Brock: So, that's what they call it these days!
Michelle: Right. Amy? And a guy? Ri-------ght...
Ash: (Greg) Lemme take you to your room, add me to you, subtract our clothes,
divide-
Michelle: Stop right there!
Ash: (Greg) -Some cells and look at them under a microscope. (self) What's your
problem?

> "Ooh, Greg," Serena said in a sing-song tone.

Misty: (Serena) Darien and I have a perfect relationship, after all!

> "You're just jealous because I have a boyfriend and you don't," Amy
>countered. A sweat drop appeared on Serena's head.

Michelle: Whoah! He's switched Amy and Raye right off the bat!
Brock: (Amy) Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got this sudden urge to sweep a
Shinto shrine...

>Amy's boyfriend had
>just moved back recently when his father had gotten a job in town.

Ash: The point?
Misty: To let Amy get lucky?
Michelle: Traitor. No point?

>"Anyway," Serena said sourly, "Don't worry about being late. It's
>your first offense, so you should only get this afternoon's detention."

Brock: (Serena) ...And fifty lashes... And a bucket on your head for five
hours... And the un-ending public humiliation of being singled out for the rest
of your scholastic career for being late...

>"The first detention in my whole school life, and I get it for

Brock: (Amy) ...dropping fifteen tons of jelly beans on the city! Imagine the
nerve!

>being
>late."

Misty: (Amy) You know, screw school! Let's go to the arcade!
Michelle: (Serena) No, we've got to study and be the best students that we can!
Misty: (Amy) But what about snacking?!
Michelle: (Serena) Snacking's nothing to learning!
Ash: The OOC skit, ladies and gentlemen!

> They arrived at the school ground just as the last bell rang. They got
>up the bravery to enter their class.

Misty: ...and they all lived happily ever after with only one detention. The
end.
Michelle: So, what's on Raw?
Brock: Huh?
Michelle: Running gag...

>They went to their class and looked
>through the window first to see if it was safe.

Ash: Wait, they went in, and then they looked in? Isn't it a bit too late for
that?
Michelle: (Amy) Let's just peek in to make sure that we went in correctly...

>Something was strange.
>Melvin, the class dork, was there.

Misty: Wait, maybe they magically passed *through* the room, ending up on the
outside of the window, where they're walking on air and looking in through that
window, and are invisible, so as not to cause a commotion! (gasping for air)
Brock: You okay, Misty?
Misty: Yeah, I just want something to happen!

>Another of her friends, Molly, was
>there.

Ash: Yeah, those two are pretty strange.
Misty: But they were wearing rubber chickens on their heads, so it was even
weirder.
Michelle: That's what they get for chewing Polar Ice gum.
All: JUST GUM?!?!

>Serena was there. Amy was there.

Michelle: (Amy) Well, at least we went in correctly! Now, shall we go home?

>Wait, Serena thought. If we're
>here, then how can we be there?

Brock: ...Then, they remembered, they shouldn't have been smoking that new
product before school...
Michelle: But remember, kids! Drugs are bad! (Mmm-kay...)

> Serena decided to take advantage of the situation and get out of
>school.

All: NATCH!!!
Misty: (Serena) It's another evil plot to destroy-- Ah, to hell with it... I'm
getting out of here...

>Amy didn't take it such an easy stide. She began crying.

Misty: (Amy) Oh, no room for Amy, huh? Fine! I'll go build my own school!
With Blackjack! And Hookers! In fact, forget the blackjack and the school!

> "What's wrong?" Serena asked.

Michelle: (Amy) You're standing on my foot!
Brock: Michelle, what have you always told us about old jokes?

> "What if they mess up my grades?" Amy said between sniffles,

All: BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!
Ash: (Amy, distraught) Forget saving the world, what about that Chemistry Test?

> "Why does it matter? Your grades couldn't be messed up by
>anything." Serena said. "It's okay, Amy. We'll find out what's
>happening." Just then, Mina, Lita, and Raye walked up to them.

Misty: You know, they aren't really out of character yet, they've just had their
characters stretched as thin as a strand of DNA.
Michelle: I believe that that's is called Scarecrow Caricatures. Odd, it's
usually only seen in anti-fics...
Brock: Foreshadowing, maybe?

> "Hey, guys!" Serena said. "Aren't you three supposed to be in
>class?"

Ash: (Lita) Killed our teachers. What's *your* excuse?
Misty: (Serena) You, too?

> "I am, but I'm not," they all said.

Brock: Wait! No one said, "I am, but I'm not... altogether!"
Others: I am, but I'm not...

> "Oh, you've got the doubles thing going, too, huh?" Serena said.

Ash: It's the Wrigley's Double Mint Gum ad FROM HELL!!!

> "Yeah, and I just know that the Negaverse is behind it," Raye said.

Michelle: (Raye) Because they always are, and all. Nope, couldn't ever be any
sort of weird tree or demonic circus trying to take over the world! It's always
the Negaverse!

> "Let's barge in our rooms and take out those bogus us's," Lita said,
>her eyes sparkling with mischief.

Brock: (Serena) Well, where would we go? How do we know where they'd want to go
out to? I mean, we could try the arcade! That's where I'd want to go if I were
me...

>She was mid height with brown hair and
>green eyes. Sweat beads appeared on the other Scouts' heads.

Misty: (Lita) And, for my next trick, I'll make little exclamation marks appear
over their heads!
Michelle: FF9 all over again...

> "No, Lita," Amy said, exasperated, "How many times must we
>explain this to you?

Ash: (Amy) Underwear goes on *under* other clothes!
Brock: (Lita) Oops! Sorry!

>We need a plan first. Serena and I barged in on some
>Negaverse enemies once and almost got killed."

Misty: (Amy) But thanks to the fashionably late Tuxedo Mask...

>Amy had blue eyes and
>blue hair due to some hair dye and contact lenses. Why blue, everyone
>would ask.

Brock: (Amy) To hide my real identity from the authorities.
Ash: (Amy) Residue from a bad acid trip.

>I just like it, she would answer.
>"Yeah, but it sure was a fast fight," Serena said,

All: (muted trumpet) Wa-wa-waaaaaaaa!

>her golden hair
>shimmering in the son. It almost made her look like the princess that she
>was. Her eyes were blue, but not Amy's shade of blue.

Ash: Hmmm, blond hair and blue eyes...
Michelle: Stop.

> "Just because of Tuxedo Mask coming to save us," Amy retorted.

Misty: (Amy) Meatball-brains!
Ash: (Serena) Brainiac!
Misty: (Amy) Sloth-girl!
Ash: (Serena) Talent-less!
Misty: Dickweed!
Ash: Bitch!
Michelle: Whoah! Lover's quarrel!

>"Now, now, girls," a voice from behind them said.

All: Gyahh!
Michelle: Don't sneak up on us like that!

>"Let's not fight
>amongst ourselves."

Brock: Oh, stop kidding yourself. You know that they're just going to cry and
pierce each others' ears later!

> They turned around and came face to face with Luna, Serena's cat
>and spiritual guide.

Ash: No, really! We thought it was Luna, Serena's chimpanzee and sexual
plaything! For pete's sake, don't insult your readers' intelligence!
Misty: Then again, what would there be for them to insult in you?
Ash: Why, thank you-- Hey!!!

>She was black with golden eyes and a golden crest on
>her forehead.

Michelle: ...Which is not only a decoration, but it also doubles as an emergency
flashlight!

> "Oh, hi, Luna!" Amy said, petting her favorite member of the team.

Ash: (Amy) Luna, tell Serena that I'm not speaking to her!
Misty: (Serena) Luna, tell Amy that that's just fine with me!

>"Hello," came another voice again behind them.

All: Gyahhh!!
Michelle: Dammit, I said *stop* doing that!

>They turned around
>and saw Mina's cat, Artemis.

Brock: (Artemis) Sorry I'm late! I just came from one of J-Boogie's MSTings!
Did I miss anything?

>He was white with green eyes and a golden
>crest on his forehead.

Michelle: Still, the Chrysler emblem looks cooler...

> "You two shouldn't be sneaking up on us like that," Serena scolded.
> "We won't have a chance," Luna said in a threatening tone.

Ash: Well, that response makes perfect- G'huh?!
Misty: I think we missed a couple of lines... Looks like the editing for "Devil
Fish."

> "Why's that?" Serena asked.
> "Because you won't be alive for the next time." And the two cats
>attacked.

Ash: ...Killing them all, paving the way for a new glorious age of evil. The
End.
Michelle: So, what's on Raw?

> Luna jumped at Serena and scratched for anything vital. She got a
>small bit of Sertena's neck.

Misty: Hey, wait a minute! Who's Sertena?
Michelle: The name sounds to be of Spanish or Mexican origin. Or not. I don't
know names.
Brock: Maybe it's the generic brand Serena. You know, Half the price for half
the characterization?

>Artemis leapt at Mina and bit her arm.
> "Hey! Help!" they cried.

All: (singing) I need somebody! Help! Not just anybody...!

> "All right," Lita called. She ripped Luna from Serena's neck and
>threw her to the ground.

Ash: Sadly, doing more damage than she would have prevented.
Misty: (Serena) Yeah, really helpful, ya' slab o' meat!

>Amy went to Mina's aid, tearing away some of
>the skin and muscle from Mina's arm when getting Artemis off of her.

Michelle: Okay, all bets are off! This is now officially an anti-fic!
Misty: (Luna) Overthrow the human oppressors! Wait, we already rule them.
Sorry, false alarm!

> The girls beat a hasty retreat, running into a conveniently placed
>alley.

Michelle: (Church-lady) How conveeeeeeeeeeeeeeenient!

>Serena and Mina were in bad shape.

Ash: (Lita) You know, you two girls really should get some more exercise. How
about a jog right now? Come on, let's go! Why are you just laying there? Get a move on!

>Serena's neck was torn open
>and bleeding, and Mina was bleeding badly from her wound.

Brock: (Amy) Ah, to Hell with 'em. They were annoying extra baggage, anyway...

> "I never thought that Luna or Artemis would turn on us," Mina said,
>and winced.

Misty: But, hey, live and learn!
Michelle: Well, I guess we know who James *doesn't* like...

> "Should we transform?" Lita asked Amy.

Misty: (Amy) Oh, come on, Lita! It's not like we're superheroes or any- Oh,
wait!

> "You do so," Amy answered. "Raye and I will take Serena and Mina
>to help."

Brock: (Amy) Yeah, we'll leave you here alone and unprotected! Hope it all
turns out alright! Let's do this again sometime, shall we?

> As Amy and Raye were escorting their wards to the hospital,

Ash: Wait, look! Hospital! Ward! It's funny! Laugh, dammit!
Misty: Ash, puns aren't usually funny. Now, when Megane does them, *that's*
funny!
Michelle: Suck-up...

>Lita
>yelled out, "Jupiter Star Power!"

Brock and Ash: Wonder Twin Powers, Activate!
Misty: Jookum-Mookum-No-Siree-Kiray, Sammy Davis Fried chicken, Magical Girl
Pretty Sammy!
Michelle: Guys, what did I tell you about old jokes?
Ash: But those are a classic!

>and was transformed into Sailor Jupiter,
>one of the Sailor Scouts.

Misty: As opposed to Sailor Jupiter, the major general of the Royal British
Navy.

> "Bring it on, you evil cats," Jupiter said as she leapt out into the road
>in the crazed cats' path.

Brock: (Jupiter) Man, this is better than the Running of the Bulls! I've gotta
do this more often!

> "Well, Jupiter, if you want to be that way," and Luna slammed into
>her as Artemis shot her with a fireball.

Ash: (Artemis) Kame---hame----ha!!!
Michelle: Oh, please don't give me Oscar flashbacks...

> "Whoa! Where'd you get the fire power? Did Mars teach you some
>of her tricks?" Jupiter was reeling from the blow.

Misty: (Artemis) Yeah, now let me pull Luna out of my hat...

> "Not only her," Artemis said. He shot lightning at her and Luna
>blew bubbles at her.

Michelle: Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?
Ash: It's turned into the Lawrence Welk show all of a sudden...
Misty: Now play Rock-Paper-Scissors to see if it does damage!

>She was knocked unconscious by the combo.

Brock: Games 2: Some Assembly Required...

> Amy and Raye had made a clean getaway with Serena and Mina and
>were almost safe at the hospital.

Misty: (Raye) Bet you can't catch us! We're almost safe on base! Nya-nya!
Michelle: You know, if you girls can't get help at Charter, please get it
somewhere...

>They turned a corner and came face to
>face with Luna and Artemis.

Misty: Man, those're some tall cats!
Ash: Or maybe this is a sequel to "Adventures of the Chibi Scouts..."
Brock: Nah, this is too bad.

> "What do you want?" Amy asked, desperate for a way out of this
>predicament.

Brock: (Luna) Give us your lunch money, and I mean now! Yeah, give us the milk
money, too!
Michelle: (Artemis) Well, the same things that everybody wants: world peace,
lots of money, and a nice significant other to settle down with of the same
species.

> "What do you mean?" Luna asked.

Ash: (Luna) Who, us? We savagely attacked you and tore flesh from Serena's and
Mina's bodies? Us? No! Never! Not at all... No, siree..! (whistles
innocently)

> "Why did you two attack us back there?" Raye asked. Mina and
>Serena had gone unconscious from blood loss.

Misty: No, guys, don't move faster! Not like someone's life is on the line or
anything here...
Brock: (Amy) What bleeding people hanging over our shoulders?

>They needed to be gotten to
>the hospital pretty darn stat.

Ash: Hey, that's a funny, too! You see, "stat" is one of those hospital terms,
so-
Michelle: Ash, give it up...

> "Us? Attack you?" Artemis said.

Misty: (Raye) Hey! You two stop giving us those innocent... cute... puppy-dog
eyes... Oh, I could never stay mad at you two!

>"We've been at school with Rini as
>her show and tell. Rather cliche, actually."

Brock: Wow, the fanfic that makes a running self-commentary...
Misty: (Artemis) Couldn't she have taken her .44 instead?

> "Then who attacked us?" Amy was confused.

Michelle: (Luna) Ummm... Uhhh... OOOOooo!!! Aliens, scary! (Quick, push the
button!) E.T. Phone home! Phone home!!!

> "I don't know, but we should get those two to the hospital now, or
>they'll be gone, and we can't afford that." Luna was panicking.

Ash: (Luna) We haven't made all of our payments on them yet! And our insurance
doesn't have "Evil Cat" Coverage!
Misty: (Serena) Well, I'm not quite dead yet!

> "Let's go, then." Raye said. She was getting tired from holding up
>Serena.

Ash: (Raye) Man, Serena really should get out and jog a little more often!
Misty: (Serena) I feel a bit better now. I probably could go for a jog!

> "Luna and Artemis, you should go and help Lita. She's confronting
>those yous," Amy said quickly. She didn't fully trust the two cats.

Michelle:(Amy) And you two stop sticking your tongues out at us behind our
backs!
Misty: (Serena) You know, I think I may pull through!
Ash: (King) Who, just as she seemed to be recovering, suddenly felt the icy hand
of death upon her!

> "All right," Luna said as she and Artemis went off in the indicated
>direction.

Brock: (Artemis) So, Luna, we're alone now. How about we forget about that
silly Lita and think about our dear Diana?

> Amy and Raye got to the hospital emergency room and they were
>amazingly the worst off in it.

Michelle: Yeah, this must be one of their slow nights. Only two dismemberments
before six o'clock.

>The only other ones were a woman in labor,
>a construction worker whose eye had been poked out, and a man whose
>hand had been caught in a machine at the office.

Ash: Nope, those aren't as bad as a few cat scratches.
Misty: What is this place, run by Peter Wrongway Peachfuzz?

>Serena and Mina got
>bandaged up as quickly as possible and rolled away on stretchers. That was
>the last that Amy and Raye saw of the two that night.

Misty: Well, that was a thoroughly depressing story. Not much of an ending, was
it? Shall we go?
Michelle: It's not over yet.
Misty: Wishful thinking...

> Luna and Artemis ran down the road until they came to the indicated
>alleyway. They turned into it and ran smack into some other cats.

Ash: *CRUNCH!* (Luna) OUCH!
Brock: That's gonna take some major plastic surgery...

>It was
>like looking into a mirror. Luna blinked, the other cat blinked. Artemis
>bared his claws, the other cat bared his claws.

Brock: Brock gave the story the finger, the other squinty guy gave us the
finger...

> "Hello, me," the evil Luna said evilly
> "Hello," the evil Artemis said hostilely.

Ash: Hello!
Misty: Hello!
Michelle and Brock: Hello!
Misty and Ash: Hello...
Ash: Hello.
Michelle: Hello!
Brock: Olleh!
Michelle: Ri------ght...

> "What are you?" Luna asked.

All: I'M YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE!!!
Brock: (director) Cut! Didn't we already do the long lost twins shtick?

> "We are your evil clones created by Queen Beryl," the evil Luna
>said.

Misty: (Luna) Wow! Cool, another me! Will you be my stunt double?
Ash: (Evil Luna) Uhhh-
Misty: (Luna) Oh, great! A stunt double! Now, all I need is my own personal
soundtrack!

> "But we killed her," Artemis said, stunned.
> "Yes," the evil Artemis said, "but her clone will live forever."

Michelle: (Artemis) No, Jimi Hendrix will live forever. Her clone will just
kind of annoy us for the rest of our lives.

> "Okay, um, uh...I can't think of a good comeback for that," Artemis
>said, puzzled.

Brock: (Luna) For god's sake, Artemis, how many times must I tell you! Never
leave the house in the morning without your witty come-backs! You are such an
embarrassment!
Misty: (Artemis) You think you slick, you punk-ass, blasphemous, dope-fiend
bitch? I got my jimmy whacked seven times last week. I'll bust a cop in yo'
bitch-ass shit-head!

> "Okay, then you'll just have to join your friend, Jupiter in death,"

Michelle: (Luna) But we don't know anyone named "Jupiter In Death."
Ash: (Evil Luna) Oh, sorry! Must have the wrong cats!

>the evil Artemis said. "The age of Scouts is over!

Misty: (Artemis) It is now officially the age of Senshi!
Michelle: Durn skippy!

>We clones are the
>perfect warriors because no one expects the Sailor Scouts to do wrong."

Brock: We need an anti-anti-fic over here, stat! Call whoever the Anti-Nav is!

> "We will survive!" Luna countered. "The future has foretold it!"
> "Yes, but the future can be changed."

Misty: (Luna) Who says so?
Ash: (Evil Luna) Chrono Trigger, but not Chrono Cross, Star Trek: First Contact,
Quantum Leap and hundreds of Star Trek: TNG fanfics!

> The evil pair jumped back in the air and blasted Luna and Artemis
>with water bubbles.

All: (singing) Working at the Cat Wash! Working at the Cat Wash, yeah!

>They quickly followed up with a fireball charge. The
>two good cats froze in their tracks, held by a mystical power.

Michelle: Odd, no deer/headlights analogy. James must be slipping!
Misty: Great, they've got a sonic transducer, too.
Ash: Damn you, Frank N Furter!

> "You'll never get away with this," Luna muttered as loud as she
>could.

All: Oh, but we already have...

>Their external muscles were frozen, but their internal muscles
>functioned for life sustaining.

Ash: Yes, and everything contained within the body is a muscle...
Misty: What would happen if the human race evolved from Arnold Schwarzenegger.

>"The Sailors' powers weren't meant for
>evil."

Brock: (Luna) Well, except in the case of Sailor Nature, but that's a different
story...

> "But they're so easy to use," evil Artemis said. "You wanna take
>them out?"

Michelle: (Artemis) Oh, I don't know. Where would I take them? What would we
do? What should I wear?
Ash: How about fur, moron?

> "Yeah! You got Lita."

Ash: Luna dating Lita?
Michelle: (Lita) Well, you're not Andrew, but you'll do for now...

> Evil Luna reached in a cleverly concealed pocket and brought out a
>black tiara. She reared back and threw it at them.

Michelle: And it hit them and they died.

>It must have been like
>Serena's. It came closer and closer.

Michelle: And they got dead.

>Luna blacked out.

Michelle: And they died. So, what's on Raw?

> Evil Luna stopped the disc just before it hit the two unconscious cats.

Misty: Oh, stop playing with your food, for gosh sake!

>She and Evil Artemis dragged them over with their friend and tied them up
>for delivery to the Evil Scouts.

Brock: (Luna) Gods, this is difficult! Damned non-opposable thumbs!
Ash: (Artemis) This'll be the greatest birthday present for Queen Beryl!
Brock: It's only rivaled by the set of Ginzu knives that the resurrected
Malachite got her...

> "Regular old frisbee. Gets them every time."

Misty: Odd, that seemed slightly humorous. Maybe a slight glimmer of the
story's potential?

>Part 2: Retaliation

Ash: ...The Senshi Strikes Back...
Misty: Part 3: Return of the Luna...

> The next morning, Amy and Raye awoke in the waiting room of the
>hospital. They were drowsy and nervous from the previous night.

Michelle: (stares at Brock) I figured that'd elicit some perverted response...
Brock: Sorry to disappoint you. I didn't notice it.
Ash: Wait, so they stayed there all day long?
Misty: (Amy) There! I finished reading every issue of "GQ" in here!

>They
>didn't want to leave for school, but they had to go and get there before
>their twins.

Michelle: I'm sorry, but this story can't go by without a single Olsen Twins
comment, which is to follow.
Misty: This is like the Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen Story gone horribly wrong.
Michelle: Thank you for your patience and cooperation.

> Amy got to her classroom in record time. Before she entered,
>though, she noticed Serena's parents at the entrance. Serena's mother
>walked up to her.

Michelle: (Amy) STOP STALKING ME!!!!
Brock: Whoah! Caffeine isn't our friend, Amy...

> "Have you seen Serena, Amy?" she asked Amy. "She didn't come
>home last night."

Misty: (Amy) Last I saw her was at the whorehou- I mean, library! Yeah, that's
right! Library!

> "Oh, I figured that someone would have called you," Amy said.
> "What? Why?"
> "Serena's in the hospital."

Brock: Yesterday, on "As the Senshi turns..." Serena has just awoken from her
fifteenth coma with *yet another* bout of amnesia.
Ash: (Doctor) Now, Serena, we want you to meet your long-lost twin sister!

> "Why?"
> "A bad injury to the neck, loss of blood."
> "Is she all right?"

Misty: (Amy) Well, last we saw, she was only mostly dead.
Ash: Oh, for gosh sake, it's Sailor Moon! Is anyone ever not okay?

> "We don't know. We haven't been told. Mina was pretty bad, too.
>Raye might know how they're doing."
> "Good news!" Serena's mom called to Serena's father, "She's not at
>that boy's place!"

Michelle: (Serena's father) Well, why not?! I want a grandchild now, dammit!

> "Darn well better not be!" Serena's dad said. "Where is she, then?"

Misty: (Serena's Mom) Some other boy's house! His name's Melvin or something
like that!

> "The hospital."
> "Why?"

Brock: (Serena's Mom) She just took a wrong turn last night. You know how
easily she gets lost.
Ash: (Serena's Mom) I'm not sure, but it's got something to do with tapioca and
a goldfish.

> "I'll explain on the way," she turned back to Amy. "Where is she?"
> "At Mercy's Bounty Hospital emergency room."

Misty: Insert random hospital name above. Trust me, any combination of words
will work.
Ash: How about Killemdead Hospital?
Misty: Sure, but it wouldn't be a very popular hospital.

> "Thank you, Amy, so much for your help."
> Amy hurried into the classroom as Serena's parents sped away
>towards the hospital in their car.

Michelle: Hey, they've got a hospital in their car? Damn, talk about
convenience!
Ash: I bet that this is Washu's doing!

>She arrived just before her double. Class
>started without the double.

Brock: (Ms. Haruna) Role-call! Serena! Molly! Melvin! Amy! Amy's clone!
Amy, where's your clone today? You know, she won't be able to make up that test
if she's not here!
Misty: (Amy) Well, could I take the test for her, since I am her and all?

> "What do you think that you're doing back here after what you did
>yesterday?! How dare you show your face in this place!

Michelle: (Ms. Haruna) Could I be any more vague in my threats?! Why did you do
the thing?! What's with the stuff?!

>Do you think that
>you can put Melvin and Molly in the hospital and get away with it?

Misty: We could only wish...
Brock: (Haruna) You think we'd let you off without a reward? Nosiree, Bob!

>I'm
>surprised that the police haven't picked you up yet!" Ms. Haruna raged at
>her. Amy didn't even know what she was talking about. "Get out!" Amy
>tried to defend herself, but the teacher didn't let her get a word in.

Michelle: (Amy) But the--
Ash: (Haruna) Zip it!
Michelle: (Amy) And the clone--
Ash: (Haruna) Zip it!
Michelle: (Amy) And I--
Ash: (Haruna) Oh, look! I'm Zippi Longstockings!
Michelle: (Amy) Oh, never mind...
Ash: (Haruna)Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, ex-zip it A!

>She
>was forced to make a tactical retreat.

Brock: God, she's even more chicken than the French army!
Misty: Yeah, and Ms. Haruna's the Canadian Army! Kick her ass, Haruna!

> Outside, she came face to face with her double. "Having problems,
>sis?"

Misty: You know, this story and "Sixth Day" are the two most convincing
arguments against cloning that I've ever seen. I mean, who wants two Arnold
Schwartzeneggers running around, free to make more and more "End of Days"?
Michelle: You got something against Ahnold?
Misty: No, it's just too easy.

> "You! You did this to me, whatever you did!"
> "Right! Now, though, I must eliminate you for Queen Beryl."

Michelle: (Evil Amy) But thanks for playing our game! Tell us what she gets,
Johnny!
Brock: (Johnny) Well, Amy, she gets a big, frothy can of whoop-ass opened on
her!
Michelle: (Amy) Amazing!

> "She's dead!"
> "Not any more," came the voice of the Evil Luna from her left.

Ash: Fortunately, Evil Luna's body was nowhere to be found, making the battle
much easier for Amy.
Michelle: (Evil Luna, singing) I ain't got no body...!

> "We have you surrounded," said Evil Artemis.
> "It's hopeless," thought Amy, "how will I get out of this one without
>the other scouts?"

Brock: Countdown to deus ex machina beginning. Counter set to three minutes.

> At Raye's school, she got to the door and she checked the list of
>expulsions, just in case.

Misty: Because she has no idea what she does when she's not there.
Ash: Really says a lot about her private life...

>Amazingly, her name was on there for two weeks.
> "Well," came her own voice from behind her.

Misty: Gods! What is it James has with disembodied voices? I think he's been
watching a bit too much X-Files.
Brock: Is that possible?
Michelle: (host) Ladies and gentlemen, welcome tonight to a very special episode
of OBE Theater...

>She turned to face it.
>"You want to get this over with right now?"

Ash: (Raye) Not really. You want to go get a cappuccino instead?
Michelle: (Evil Raye) Sure, why not?

> "Yeah. I've been waiting for this since yesterday."
> "But have you been expecting me?" asked Lita's double as she
>dropped down from the branch of a nearby tree.

Ash: --Breaking her back and ending the battle quicker than expected.
Brock: (Lita) Me Lita, you dead meat!

> "No. But I'll do my best to defeat you."

Misty: Wow! Check out the spacing! Raye's pulling a Shatner!

> "You'll be the only one smelling de-stench of defeat," Raye's double
>said.

Michelle: Okay, I said a long time ago that I'd bitch-slap anyone who ever used
that line around me. I'm stumped as to how to get to these guys.

>And with that bad pun, battle began in two places in the city.

Brock: (singing) Maria, I've just met a girl named Maria...
Michelle: 'Cause it's like West Side Story, you know...

> "Mars Star Power!" yelled Raye, and she was transformed into
>Sailor Mars.
> "Mercury Star Power!" cried Amy, and she was transformed into
>Sailor Mercury.

Brock: Odd, I'm having this interesting sense of déjà vu. Anyone else getting
that?

> The Evil Scouts also transformed into their counterparts. "Evil
>Mars!" "Evil Mercury!" "Evil Jupiter!"

Misty: What imagination! How innovative! The originality!
Brock: What? Those sayings?
Misty: No. I'm talking about these Swiss Rolls.

> "You haven't got a chance!" taunted Evil Jupiter.
> "I have more of a chance than you think.

Ash: Yeah, that's some tough trash talk there. Call her a poopie-brain!
Michelle: (Evil Jupiter) But what if I don't think?

>Mars Celestial Fire,
>Surround!" A magical fire engulfed the two Sailors, burning them.

Brock: (Raye) How bout a little fire, Scarecrows?!
Misty: We don't need no water, let the mother f@#$er burn!

> "You singed my fuku! You die!"

Misty: I think James has been dappling in the arcane arts of Japanese/dub
crossovers.
Brock: I think he's been dappling in a little bit more than that. Moon-shine,
for example...

>Evil Mars cried out. "Mars
>Explosion, Flame!" The ground under Mars erupted, and she flew against
>the wall of the school.

Michelle: But, you know, they don't need no education.
Ash: But only because they don't need no thought control.

> "I didn't know that I could do that," she mused.
> "You can't. It's a special technique taught to me by Queen Beryl.
>Only she and I know it."

Brock: (Mars) You mean that thing with the tongue? Come on! I'm a master at
that!

> As the two walked toward the immobilized Mars, a red rose
>slammed into the ground in front of them.

Misty: Of course, it was only because a 1-800-FLOWERS plane had exploded
overhead.
Brock: It was followed closely by a ton of chrysanthemums...

> "Morning, ladies," said a voice from the tree that Evil Jupiter had
>produced herself.

Michelle: Magic voice, how much did you get paid for all these cameos?
Magic Voice: Actually, not enough.

> "Those aren't no ladies," Mars said, disgusted at the late appearance
>of the besuited protector of the Sailors.

Brock: THEY'RE MY WIVES!!!
Michelle: Ba-dump, bish!

> "Need some help, Mars?" Tuxedo Mask asked, sounding a bit
>sarcastic.

Ash: Can't you just feel the love?
Michelle: Is that the same love from when you and Misty fight?
Misty and Ash: Love?! Ha!!

> "Yeah, if you could."

Michelle: (Mars) No, I'm all right. Just leave me here to take care of these
guys. They're on their last legs!

> "Mercury Ice Storm, Splash!" Mercury had her hands full. Luckily,
>the ice blast worked as planned. It encased the evil entities in ice.

Misty: And thirty years later, they get unfrozen to threaten the world again.
Any other cliche we're missing here?
Brock: I haven't seen any product placements yet.
Ash: (Amy) My attack's as cool as Mentos: the Fresh-Maker!

>That
>gave Mercury the time to analyze them with her VR visor that had saved
>the scouts many a time. It analyzed the weak points of the enemies that
>were particularly difficult to beat.

Ash: And their weak points are supposedly EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE REGULAR
SCOUTS!!!
Michelle: But then again, that's too obvious.

> Those guys were strong! Their power meter was off the scale.
>Amy's visor almost shorted out just trying to measure them. Their abilities
>list was two pages long!

Michelle: Of course, it included stuff like "bend fingers" and "metabolize
nutrients."
Brock: (Amy) "And don't forget to turn me off when you're finished?"
Misty: That's what she gets for using the Pedant-o-matic...

>They had no weak points! Mercury was doomed,
>as were the other Scouts.

Brock: No, this isn't doomed. Unreal Tournament on Godlike difficulty is
doomed.
Misty: (Amy) Wait, they're weak against rubber socks! Now, where to get some of
those at this time of the day?

> They broke out of the ice imprisonment a moment later, showering
>the schoolyard with shards of ice. Just then, Mercury got an idea.

Ash: (Amy) Man, this would make an excellent TV show! Maybe a sitcom... We'd
get Keanu Reeves to play Darien, Britney Spears to play Serena, Sean Connery to
play Serena's dad, and Goldie Hawn to play her dad! Now, who would play me?

>She
>would appeal to the human side of herself.

Michelle: (Amy) You know, my horoscope never said anything about me killing
myself today!
Misty: (singing) Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head
impaled upon a stick!

> "Hey, look! There goes Greg!" She knew that she couldn't resist the
>thought of her boyfriend.

Ash: Unfortunately, she forgot that she wasn't a complete moron.
Misty: (Ami clone) Duh, who's Greg?

> "Where?" The Evil Mercury was distracted for just a moment, and
>just enough time for Mercury to give her a good, hard hit right to the jaw.

Ash: Okay, apparently, clones are complete morons.
Misty: That does not paint a bright future for cloning.

>It put the distracted Evil Sailor straight to Dreamland immediately.

Brock: At least it wasn't Disneyland. That'd be yet another pointless
crossover.
Misty: And we're lucky it wasn't Neverland. That'd be bad in so many ways.

> "That's the first time that I have ever punched anyone," Mercury
>said, amazed at her temper being able to get the best of her for once.

Brock: Amy, calm yourself. Redirect the rage! Maybe towards mud-wrestling...
Michelle: You'd like that, wouldn't you?

>"It
>felt good!" But, she couldn't celebrate yet. She still had two pissed off
>kitties to deal with. "Hey! Some catnip!"

Ash: Hey! No problem! I mean, clones are idiots, right?
Michelle: I mean, really! Why not just say, "Hey! I'm over there!"

> "Nice try, Mercury! You won't get us like that," Evil Luna said.

Michelle: You know, my idea would probably work.
Misty: Or, she could roll around on the ground with the other one, get up and
say that she was the evil one.
Brock: (Evil Luna) But weren't you knocked out?
Ash: (Amy) Uhhh, ummmmm, Oooo, aliens! Scary! (quick, push the button!) E.T.
phone home! Aliens! Scary!

> "Uh, oh. Think fast, Amy." X=(YA)/B. "NOT MATH RIGHT
>NOW."

Michelle: (Amy) I should be thinking about geography!
Brock: Gods, what a let-down it'd be to have the last thing to go through your
mind be differential calculus.
Ash: Now, take the third derivative of y=x to the power of DEATH!!!

>She felt her anger swelling up in the depths of her heart and she
>decided to see what she could do if she let it work for her.

Misty: But make sure that you pay it right! We all remember what happened to
Linda Chavez!

>"Mercury
>Geyser, DASH!"

Ash: (announcer) And it's gone 70...80...90...100 yards! It's gotten an Olympic
record in the 100 yard geyser dash!

>A splash of water came up from under the two cats,
>throwing them high in the air, then letting them fall.

All: BOOOO!!
Michelle: Just a moment while I call PETA on Amy...

>They landed on the
>ground with a gut-wrenching thud. They didn't get up.

Brock: Well, from what she saw.
Ash: (Dr. Evil) No, I'm just going to leave them and assume it all went to plan.
What?

>"And to think that
>I almost left this behind for school.

Michelle: Yeah! I mean, there's no crime in Germany for a super-heroine crime-
fighter to fight! Nope, none at all!
Ash: Right. She'd blow bubbles at them.

>I'd better go and see if Raye's all
>right."
>
> Tuxedo Mask was locked in a death struggle with the Evil Jupiter
>when Mercury arrived.

Ash: I mean, really! These clones are so stupid! They can't even beat up Tux-
Boy!
Michelle: Ash, are you all right?

>Mars was unconscious and burnt from head to toe.
>Luckily, most of them were minor burns.

Brock: (Mr. Adler) I thought I told you to stop screwing around! The hotplate
is not a toy! Now, stop screwing around!

>Unluckily, some weren't so
>minor. The Evil Mars was dead on the ground with a cane hole through
>her head.

Ash: I mean, really! They're so stupid they can't even commit suicide right!
They use a cane instead of a gun!
Michelle: Are you sure she was trying to kill herself?

> "I'll be all right!" Tuxedo Mask yelled to Mercury. "Get Raye to
>help!"

Brock: (Tuxedo) And could you get me a cruller while you're out, too?
Ash: (Mercury) How can I get her to help? I mean, she's unconscious! She
couldn't do anything for you!

> "All right!" Mercury went over to Mars. "Revert," she said, and
>Raye changed back into herself.

Misty: Wow! Mars turned into Amy? Now, that's a good trick!

>Mercury had to get Raye to a doctor fast.
>Gosh, she thought, this scene is familiar.

Ash: Wow, they're dipping into the stock footage already!
Misty: It's a Mobius Strip of carnage!

>We Sailors are dropping like
>flies. I hope that the others heal quickly.

Brock: Oh, I'm sure that James'll find a way.
Misty: And suddenly, from out of nowhere...

> "I wonder how Serena and Mina are doing," Amy said to herself as
>she lugged Raye away from the scene and to a phone.

Michelle: Man, Amy's stronger than I thought.
Ash: Nope, but James is skipping the road rash description.

>She reverted back to
>her regular form, then called 911.
>

Misty: (Amy) Nine-one-one! Nine-one-one! Come on! Why isn't anything
happening?!

> Tuxedo Mask was gaining the upper hand on Jupiter, but he was
>fatigued from the travails of the day. He had already dispatched his own
>double,

Ash: So, what do you get when you put two Tuxedo Masks beside each other?
Michelle: I don't know.
Ash: A wind-tunnel.
Misty: Really, Ash, are you feeling okay?
Ash: No, I'm all right.

>now he had to handle two evil Scouts at once? He wouldn't be able
>to take much more of this.

Misty: Oh, come on! He can take dating Serena, but he can't take this much of
this? God, he's a wimp!

> "Well, Tux," Jupiter said to him, "you've done good so far, but I've
>just been using brute force up to this point.

Misty: (Evil Jupiter) Let's see how you like it when I use physical strength!
Brock: (Evil Jupiter) Now, I'll tear into you with my RUBBER CHICKEN!!!

>Let's see how you stand up to
>the brutal forces of nature. Jupiter Thunderclap, Zap!"

Michelle: (Evil Jupiter) Oh, great! Why isn't this working?! Somebody get me a
wool carpet!
Brock: (singing) 'Cause the power you're supplying- It's electrifying!
Misty: Gyaah! "Grease" flashbacks...

>Then, Tuxedo
>Mask was engulfed in a sea of electricity, flowing in and out of him,
>sapping his strength.

Ash: Wait a minute! What strength?! He was just about out of strength a couple
of minutes ago!
Michelle: Details, details...

>He fell to the ground, unconscious.

Misty: Auntie Emm! Auntie Emm!
Ash: Tuxedo Mask was found, alive and of normal size some 800 miles away. There
were no clones.
Misty: So, this story never took place? Sweet!

> "Oh, Queen Beryl and Dark Moon will be so proud of me," Jupiter
>said as she picked up Tuxedo Mask and disappeared into thin air.

Ash: What's this fascination that people have with resurrection fics, anyway?
Misty: Like anime doesn't do it enough as is. How many different plot
contrivances does Dragonball use?

> "Ah, Lita," the dark ruler of the Negaverse said as her servant
>appeared in her court, along with the others.

All: Grouach!
Misty: Pardon me...

>Beside her dark throne stood
>the doctors who had brought her and the Evil Scouts to life.

Michelle: And of course, they're Mad doctors. Can't have any other kind in
Anime...
Ash: Kind of like ditzes and pervs. They're just normal fare.

>From the
>battles of the past two days, they would have a large supply of clones to
>handle the Scouts with.

Ash: Why does the thought of an army of Serenas discomfort me so?
Brock: The Ditz factor would be off the scale?
Misty: Still, it's better than having an army of Mihoshis.

>"I see that you have brought me Tuxedo Mask.
>We will try to make good use of him."

Brock: (Tuxedo Mask) Great. First, I'm beaten up by a stupid clone, then I'm
made a sexual plaything for one of the most evil people in the universe.
Misty: What's next? Getting buried in a big pile of rotten sauerkraut?

>She gestured to the doctors. "Take
>him to the brainwashing chamber."

Michelle: (Doctor) But the college students are all using the brainwashers right
now!
Misty: (Beryl) Damn laundry day! I knew we should have gotten in there earlier!

>She turned back to the waiting Lita.
>"Your counterpart is brainwashing easily. It's as if she didn't have a brain
>to wash."

Ash: Wow. Like it took a lot of brains to come up with that insult.
Misty: (Lita) Yeah? Well... it takes one to know one!
Brock: (Beryl) Up your nose with a rubber hose!

> "I'll ignore that statement," Lita said. The battered Mercury
>entered. "Sheesh, Amy, what happened to you?"

Misty: (Amy) I had a little run-in with a mirror. It won.
Brock: (Lita) Cool! Do you think it'll leave scars?!

> "My loser of a counterpart hit me while I was distracted. I never
>knew that I could be so rotten to myself.

Ash: Michelle, listen to that statement, and then tell me that clones aren't
stupid.
Michelle: .......

>Then, for the icing on the cake,
>she killed the cats."

Michelle: Mmmm-mmmm! Kitty-flavored icing! Reminds me of my momma's cooking!
Brock: (Mercury) Tastes delicious with fava beans and chianti... (Hannibal lisp)

> "Yeah, Mars's counterpart killed her, too. So did Tuxedo Mask."
> "Our Rini clone will be finished soon, and she'll be able to get the
>Silver Imperium Crystal with no trouble at all," Queen Beryl said.

Michelle: Yeah! Just the same way the real Rini has been able to get it!
Ash: (Rini) Can I have it? Please? I'll be your friend! Forever!

>"Plus,
>we can get higher in the Negaverse ranks by handing over the real Rini to
>Rubeus."

Misty: (Beryl) We can even get a discount at the Nega-mart finally!
Michelle: The most awesome of all privileges...

> "Our scheme will proceed as planned, then?" asked Dark Moon,
>Serena's counterpart.

Brock: Wait, does that mean that her lines are going to correspond to the Wizard
of Oz?

> "Of course, and maybe even a little faster, since the Sailors have
>been whittled down to one left healthy."

Brock: OW! (reaches up to ear)
Michelle: What's wrong?
Brock: My Babelfish just bit the inside of my ear!
Misty: Why are you using a Babelfish if the fic's in English?
Brock: Vague hopes?

> "And that's just my counterpart," Amy said. "I want to be the one to
>take her out, but not until after ruining her life."

Ash: (Amy) I've got to write her a letter saying, "You're a loser!"

> Everyone got a good round of maniacal laughter and retired for
>rejuvenation. Queen Beryl was pleased with all that she had accomplished
>with her minions that day.

Michelle: They had helped to write another Andrew Lloyd Weber musical! How
fiendishly diabolical!

> Amy reached the hospital and went to check on Serena's parents.
>They had been waiting in the waiting room all morning long, assaulting
>any doctor who entered the waiting room.

Misty: A pile of corpses lay to the left of the door. Serena's father didn't
know his own strength...

>Another was entering as Amy
>walked in.

Misty: *crunch!!!* (Serena's dad) Another doctor stopped moving, George!

> "Any news on Serena?" Serena's father asked.

Ash: (Doctor) I don't know. What channel should I check?

> "She has finally stabilized and you can go to see her. It's a good
>thing that the girls brought her here when they did.

Michelle: (Doctor) You see, we were supposed to be filming a documentary, so we
needed someone to operate on.

>Any longer, and she
>would have died.

All: NATCH!!!

>She's sleeping right now. It's amazing at the speed with
>which she recovered her strength. It's almost magical.

Brock: (Doctor) ...Probably helped that we brought Sigfreid and Roy in.
Michelle: More along the lines of Penn and Teller.
Misty: Hell, I'd say Boffo the magical clown...

>We should be able
>to release her tomorrow, considering her speedy recovery.

Ash: And they don't want to study her at all?
Misty: Nope, these sorts of things happen every day. Don't they?

>She may need
>some plastic surgery to repair the damage done." The medic started to
>walk away when he remembered something.

Michelle: (Doctor) By the way, we forgot a defibrillator pad when we closed her
up. Do you mind?

>"By the way, all during the
>operation, she kept calling out some names.

Brock: (Doctor) Oh, wait. That wasn't your daughter, that was my wife. And it
wasn't during the operation, it was last night. My mistake!

>Do you know anyone by the
>name of Darien or Tuxedo Mask?"

Michelle: (Serena's dad) Tuxedo Mask? Yeah, I was on the high school wrestling
team with him! Old Rubber-legs, we used to call him!

>A sweat drop appeared on Amy's head.

Ash: Just one? Must not be very nervous...
Misty: (Amy) No, but it is a bit warm in here...

> "And what about the other girl, Mina?" Amy asked changing the
>subject.

Michelle: (Doctor) Her? Oh, she's dead. So, how'd you like to go to dinner
tonight?

> "She's still in operation. We had to replace some of the bone and
>muscle tissue and obviously the skin. The blood replenishing time

Brock: Is that the scientific term for that?
Misty: (Doctor) You see, during the operation thing, we had to use the cutty-
knifey-thing.

>will take
>a while, but she will be all right."

Ash: Well, except for the permanent mental damage. From now on, the only thing
that she can say will be, "tangerine."
Misty: (Mina) Tangerine, tangerine! Tanger-gerine. Tan-ine.

> The doctor walked out of the room and Serena's parents went to get
>directions to Serena's room. Amy went with them.

Misty: But when they got to her room, they only found a pile of pink goo.
Brock: (Doctor) Oops! We accidentally put hepatitis B in her blood stream!
Sorry!

> Serena wasn't asleep when the group arrived, but eating instead. It
>was a large platter, but there was only half of the plate taken up by food.

Ash: So, was the plate half-empty or half-full?
Brock: I don't know, but the story's more than half stupid.

> "Gotten your appetite back, I see," Serena's mother said.

Michelle: (Serena) I'm eating? Man, could have fooled me!
Ash: The gas must not have worn off yet...

> "Yeah, but this food stinks," Serena said. Her golden hair was
>undone instead of in the regular meatballs on top.

Misty: (Serena) Bwa-ha-ha-ha! We fooled you! We got the doctors to switch Mina
and me around, wake me up and then tell you that you could see Serena! And
then, you'd come in here and think that I was Serena when I'm really Mina and
we'd BURN you!
Brock: Kind of sad what sick people'll do for a laugh...

>She seemed in good
>enough spirits. "The bread is green, the meatloaf is purple,

Michelle: (Amy) Ummm, Serena, that isn't meatloaf. It's lasagna.
Misty: And it's not purple; it's mauve.

>and the tea
>looks reddish-brown.

Brock: So, is it tea, or is it TEA?
Misty: What, they're giving her cooking sake to drink?

>The attendants said that it was because of the added
>vitamins and other stuff."

Ash: (Serena) They mentioned strychnine and arsenic. And a hint of Vitamin C
for a nice citrus taste.

> "Well, you do need that sort of stuff while recovering," Serena's
>father said. "By the way, you talk in your sleep. I thought that I told you
>to stop seeing this Darien guy."

Misty: (Serena) Well, ex-CUUUUUUUUUUSE me for eloping! Whatcha gonna do, macho-
boy?

> "I did. He broke up with me right after you told me to."
> "And who's this Tuxedo Mask?"

Michelle: (Serena) He's a Bulgarian weight-trainer who I met at a Bisexual
transvestite convention. I'm having a lovechild with him.

> "Uh, oh," Serena said as her face paled at the realization of what she
>had talked about during her emergency room operation.

Brock: (Serena) Uh, no, I don't have a stash of cocaine hidden under my bedroom
floorboard...
Ash: (Serena's Dad) Serena, this is about your sex life right now, not your
illegal drug trafficking.

>A sweat bead
>appeared on Serena's head.

Michelle: (Amy) Man! You, too? It must be a bug that's going around...

> "Serena," Amy said, "I think that we had better tell them."
> "But then they'll know and I don't know if we can trust them with
>that secret."

Michelle: (Serena) I mean, it's not like everyone can handle being told that
we're all part of a big government conspiracy to conceal intelligent custard
pies...

> "Know what?" Serena's mother asked quizzically. "Are you on
>drugs?"

Ash: (Serena) Mom, it's a hospital. They put everyone on drugs. At the moment,
they've got me on opium, marijuana, and various hallucinogens for my recovery.
Misty: (Amy) Wait a minute, this isn't your chart!

> "As usual, mom, no."
> "We'll have to find a way to erase their memory afterwards, though," Amy
>said, deep in thought.

Michelle: (Amy) Because there's no possible way that we can weasel our way out
of this one!
Brock: They're just telling someone to get it out of their systems.

>"I've got it! I'll use my VR visor to erase their
>short term memories after you tell them!"
> "Okay. Mom, dad," she paused dramatically, "You know that
>superheroine

Misty: (Serena's Mom) Super HEROIN? I knew it! You are on drugs! I'll call
the rehab center and arrange to get you transferred over there right away!
Ash: (Serena's Dad) Hush, you! Now, how much can I pay you? And please speak
into the briefcase...
Michelle: Abracadabra!

>that everyone is going crazy over, Sailor Moon?"
> "Yes," they replied.
> "I'm her. Sailor Moon and Moon Princess. And Amy is Sailor
>Mercury."

Michelle: (Serena) And the rest, they're nothing! It's all me, me, me, me, me!
And Amy, too.

> Serena's mother had fainted. Her father was speechless for a
>moment in his life.

Ash: And during that moment, Serena and Amy made a break for it.
Misty: A touching moment with Mr. Tsukino...

>A moment later, he found words. "Do you know the
>other Sailors?"

Ash: (Serena) Oh, yeah! Popeye and Bluto are some good pals!
Misty: (Serena) Yeah, and we all know how to swear like 'em!

> "Yeah. The girl who was brought in with me? She's Sailor Venus.

Misty: And women are from her.

>And the girl from the temple? She's Mars."

Misty: And men are from her.

> "Amy, why didn't you tell us?"
> "Because, as Serena said, we didn't know who we could trust to keep
>the secret."

Ash: (Amy) So, we decided that we'd take out an ad in the paper. It said,
"Anyone who can keep the secret of who the Sailor Scouts are."

> "Who all knows besides you?"

Michelle: (Serena) Well, the Pope, Nelson Mandela, Bill Clinton, and all of the
UN. So, I guess that'd be the whole world other than you.

> "Well," Amy thought for a second, "My boyfriend, first of all.

Brock: Apparently, *she* talks in her sleep, too.
Michelle: Oh, hush.

>Then, there's the guy, Darien. He is also our protector, Tuxedo Mask. He
>and Serena used to be lovers in another time.

Misty: And so, they must automatically be in love in this lifetime! What?
Brock: (Serena) I've decided that two-thousand years is too long to date one
guy, so I've started seeing Amy.

>That's why they're in love
>now. Now, please come here," Amy said as she fished her VR visor out of
>her bag.

Michelle: (fisherman) Oh, now that's a good-sized VR visor you've got there.
You gonna keep it? What bait didja use 'a catch it?

> "Wait," Serena's father said, "I find out that my daughter is Sailor
>Moon, and I don't even get to see her transform or get an interview?

Misty: (Serena) Nope! Man, doesn't it suck to be you!
Ash: Smallest violin in the world...

>I bet
>that this would get me a job with the newspaper."

Brock: (Serena's Dad) Which actually pays less and is less interesting than what
I do now, but still...!

> "All right, but the transformation will have to wait until tomorrow,
>when I'm at home." Serena was setting terms like a movie star.

Michelle: (Serena) I'm ready for my close-up! Where's the camera? Man, you
guys told me I was starring in the sequel to Battlefield Earth!

>"Meanwhile,
>dad, Amy and I have to talk.

Brock: (Serena) So, Amy, did you make the bets like I wanted?

>Please leave and take mom with you." After her
>parents had left, Serena went on.

Brock: (Serena) Amy, I want your hot woman-chowder!
Michelle: Whoah, hello!

>"Well, Amy, how are the others?"

Misty: (Amy) Raye's dead, Lita's got amnesia, I'm just a spectre, you're not
really awake yet, and Mina's been kidnapped.
Brock: (Serena) Then I suppose I shouldn't ask about my goldfish, should I?

> "Raye is in the Burn Care Unit, Lita's missing, as are Luna and
>Artemis, Mina's still in the Operating room, but other than that, we're
>fine."

Ash: That's like saying, "The world's been destroyed, but other than that..."
Misty: They seem to like that line in Dragonball Z.

> "What was with Luna and Artemis that made them attack us?"

Michelle: (Amy) Oh, they just wanted some Fresh Step. No biggie...

> "Those weren't Luna and Artemis as we know them."
> "Huh?"

Brock: They were the versions of Luna and Artemis from the Oscar fics!
Misty: Or did Sheep Sheep branch into Sailor Moon fics?

> "They were evil clones. We all have one. Raye and I were attacked
>today when we went to school.

Ash: (Amy) Stupid bullies! I could destroy them in a math contest.

>That's how Raye got put in the Burn Unit.
>She and Tuxedo Mask fought her clone and Lita's clone."

Misty: Just another normal day in Sailor Moonville.
Ash: More like Anti-sailor Moonville...

> "This is getting confusing."
> "Well, if it simplifies matters any, Tuxedo mask killed Raye's clone
>and I took care of the cats' clones."

Brock: (Serena) No, that just makes it more complex! Now, I've got to remember
that there are people dead AND alive?!

> "What happened to Tuxedo Mask?"

Michelle: (Amy) Who? Serena, I want you to stop this "Tuxedo Mask" nonsense
right now.

> "I don't know what happened to him after I left to get help for
>Raye."

Ash: Well, actually, the two sat down and had a nice tea while talking their
problems out.
Misty: Then they cried and pierced each others' ears...
Brock: Now, when you say tea, do you mean tea or TEA?
Michelle: Brock, stop sounding like Gwen Khan.

> Serena went quiet for a moment. Amy wondered exactly what
>Serena was thinking about, although she expected that it had something to
>do with

Ash: ...the gross national product of Bolivia.
Michelle: (Serena) And the US really should forgive the foreign debts...
Misty: Right, Bono...

>Darien. She still loved him. But, so did Raye.

Brock: Frequently.

>They used to go
>out with each other.

Misty: You know, not that he saved her life or anything.
Michelle: (Raye) And I think that I almost got him to kiss me goodnight one
time...!

> "I've got to do something," Serena said. "I can't just sit here idle. I
>would be so bored. Maybe I can arrange for the doctors to let me out
>today."

Brock: (Serena) Full recovery? That's for wimps!
Ash: And miss using those sick days with pay? What're you thinking?!

> "Who needs to do that?" Amy said. Serena's jaw dropped at such a
>suggestion coming from Amy.

Misty: (Serena) Amy, are you asking me to marry you?
Ash: (Amy) Let's join the Communist Party!

>She hadn't been acting herself lately. "You
>can just get your dad to guard the door."

Brock: (Serena) Oh, AMY! You're so damn kinky!

> "Yeah, you're right. I've got to do something quick. Y'know, Amy,
>you're the only one of the Scouts who truly understands me."

Michelle: (Amy) Understand, my ass! I'm just humoring you

> "Why, thank you, Serena."
> The doctor walked into the room a moment later. "I thought that I
>would inform you. Your friend is dead."

Michelle: Yup, it's an anti-fic all right.
Misty: (Doctor) But we are entitled to give you a replacement friend at only
half the cost!
Brock: (Amy) Can she be less of a ditz?
Misty: (Doctor) It'll cost ya'!

> "What?!?!" both of the girls screamed at once.
> "Oh, sorry. Wrong room. Your friend is fine and can receive
>visitors. She's in room 222." Sweat beads had appeared over the girls' and
>the doctor's head.

Ash: (Doctor) Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go frighten some heart-
treatment patients...
Brock: Yes, children, incompetence is funny and acceptable in controlled
environments such as hospitals!

> "Thanks," Amy said. "Do we know when she can leave?"
> "I'd give maybe a week or two. Her arm needs time to strengthen, as does
>the rest of her."

Ash: (Doctor) If ya' know what I mean...! Wink, wink!
Brock: (Amy) Hmmm, maybe I should get injured, too!

> "Well, Serena, I've got to go and see Mina. I'll see you tomorrow."
> When Amy walked out of the room, Serena turned out the light to
>get some sleep. She needed it.

Michelle: Just like she needed that nap during Trig class.
Ash: (Amy) Um, doctor, aren't you going to come with us?
Brock: (Doctor) Uh, sure! I'll be there in about fifteen, twenty minutes!

> "This must be like paradise to her," Amy said to Serena's parents as
>she passed them. "Sleep all day, eat as much as you want."

Michelle: Men tripping over each other to meet her every need...
Brock: At your service, ma'am!
Michelle: Wash the windows- the outside, too- cook dinner, and run the upper
functions of the ship for two shifts instead of one, and do my laundry!
Ash: Have fun, Cassanova!

>Serena's
>parents smiled at her as she walked down the hallway towards Mina's
>room. Serena's father followed her.

Misty: Like a lost puppy or a lamb-
Ash: (darkly) To the slaughter?
Misty: No, Ash.

> "Is that other girl awake?" he asked as they got outside of the room.
> "Yeah," Amy said, "But we had better take it quietly anyway."

Brock: (Amy) She might wake up and we'd have to *talk* to her.
Misty: Fate worse than death...

> Mina's room was dark except for a single little light at the bed, a
>reading light.

Brock: (Mina, writing) Dear Ann, I'm an elderly woman who doesn't enjoy sex...

> "Hey, Mina," Amy said.
> "Oh, hi, Amy," Mina replied. She turned on another light.

Ash: (Mina) Look! I got them to install this cool "Eat at Joe's" sign in here!

> "Have your parents been by yet?" Amy asked.
> "My mom came by earlier. By the way, thanks for helping me the
>other night. Who is this?"

Misty: (Amy) This is Elderly Superhero Guy. He really doesn't do much, but that
hasn't stopped us before...

> "This is Serena's father."
> "Oh. Hi. Nice to meet you. What brings you to see me today?"

Michelle: (Serena's dad) Hush, you! How much she going for, Amy?
Misty: (Amy) Since she's just like your old one, I'll give it to you for a buck-
forty-nine! Today only, do we have a deal?

> "Not much," Serena's father said. "I just wanted to meet you. Lots
>of people do, you know."
> "What's he talking about, Amy?"

Ash: (Amy) Nothing really. He's battier than Gotham City. He thinks you're
Madonna.

> "That's why I came here. You may want to brace yourself."
> "What? What's wrong?"

Brock: (Amy) Mina, you're not really a girl.

> "We told him about us."
> "Crud. So he knows it all?"
> "Yeah.

Michelle: (Amy) Thinking back on it, though, I have no idea why we told him.
I'm sorry, sir, we'll have to kill you now.

>The only thing that we didn't explain to him was the part
>about the attack."

Ash: You know, security cameras can hear stuff, too.
Misty: Big Brother is watching...

> "Could you explain it to me?" Mina asked. "What had gotten hold of
>Luna and Artemis?"

Michelle: Dollar Days at K-Mart! Who can resist the SAVINGS?!?!

> "Luna?" Serena's father asked. "Serena's Luna?"

Ash: No, I mean the moon, Luna. OF COURSE, SERENA'S LUNA!!!

> "Yes, and no," Amy answered. "They were evil clones of Luna and
>Artemis who attacked us. We all have one.

Misty: Even Bill Gates has one, and that's scarier!

>Well, most of us. Raye's was
>killed, as were Luna's and Artemis's."
> "But..." Mina started.

Michelle: (Mina) But I was in love with those clones!

>She was interrupted by Amy.
> "That's all that you need to know in your weakened state, except that
>Serena and I will take care of them and rescue our captured team
>members."

Brock: Come on, in an anti-fic?
Michelle: I'm still not completely convinced that it's an anti-fic. Give it a
while...

> "You mean that they got some of us?"
> "Unfortunately, yes. Jupiter was captured in the battle with the cat
>clones, and so were the real Luna and Artemis.

Ash: (Amy) I forgot to mention that these clones are stupid. I mean rock
dumb.
Brock: In Mina's case, not much of a difference...

>I think that Tuxedo Mask
>was captured in a battle today. Technically, I am the only Scout in fighting
>condition today."

Misty: If you'll excuse me, I've got to go make a banner welcoming the glorious
Negaforce to our world!

> "Do we know where these clones are coming from?"
> "No, but I'll get right on it."

Ash: There should be a stupidity nexus surrounding wherever it is. Not too
difficult to find. If the plants all around are crippled with stupidity,
there's your source!

> "All right. So," Mina said to Serena's father, "I guess that you'll be
>wanting the works, autograph, interview, and transformation."

Misty: No, actually, he just wants to get some nice pictures of you to send to
the National Enquirer.

> "No offense meant, but the only Sailor Scouts that people really
>identify with are Sailor Moon and Mercury every once in a while."

Brock: (Serena's Dad) Sailor V who?

> "I understand. So, then you'll be wanting the works from Amy and
>Serena."
> "Don't get too ahead of yourself, Mina," Amy said. "We're going to
>erase his short term memory after he's finished getting the 'works' from
>Serena."

Ash: (Amy) Just let me reach into Ye Olde Bag of Plot Contrivances...! Brain-
washing, folks! Give the man a big hand!

> "Oh, cool."
> Suddenly, Serena walked in the room.
> "Serena, what are you doing out of bed?" her father asked.

Misty: (Serena) Sleep-walking?
Ash: (Serena's dad) And what about the sandwich?
Misty: (Serena) Sleep-eating?

> "Well, I made a deal with the doctors. If I could pass a physical test
>set by them, they would let me go today. Their test was a breeze. Most of
>it I got from being Sailor Moon."

Brock: (Doctor) Miraculous recovery? Sure, go on your merry way! We've got to
autopsy this train-wreck victim to see how he died!

> "Wish that I could be as lucky as you, Serena," Mina said. "I've got
>a week left to recover. Blood loss equals time loss, I guess."

Brock: Was that supposed to be a joke? I must have missed it.
Michelle: Maybe your sense of humor isn't as sophisticated as James's.
Ash: Or maybe it's just a bad joke.
Michelle: Occam's Razor says the same...

> "Yeah, sure, Mina. C'mon, Amy. We've got some major butt to
>kick."

Misty: (Serena) Let's go kick our butts! Wait...

> "I've never seen Serena be so brave before," Mina said after the two
>had left.
> "She can be so when she wants," Serena's father said.

Brock: Or when doughnuts are involved...
Michelle: Goddammit, let me out of here!
(door opens)

Reverse Door sequence

End Part 1

I swear, I've been doing really long ones recently. I really should try to cut
down on the length. When I can.