Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ MST3K-Sailor Moon ❯ A Moonstar is Born ( Chapter 1 )

Sailor Moon - Episode 1: "A Moon Star is Born"

<MIKE, SERVO, AND CROW ENTER THE THEATRE AND SIT DOWN AS THE SHOW BEGINS>

Narrator "A thousand years ago, our Moon was home to a great civilization ruled by Queen Serenity.

MIKE: Also known as Queen bag of Doorknobs

Narrator "Everything was peaceful until the arrival of the evil Queen Beryl."

CREW: ….of monkeys.

Queen Beryl "Ha ha ha ha. First, the Moon shall be mine. Then, the Universe!"

SERVO: This is how MOST women behave during menstruation.

Narrator "To conquer the Moon, Queen Beryl unleashed the awesome power of the Negaforce.

MIKE: <surfer voice> AWEsome power, dude.

Narrator Although her world was destroyed, Queen Serenity's last hope was the power of the Imperium Silver Crystal and the Crescent Moon Wand."

SERVO: Now available at participating K-Mart Outlets.

Queen Serenity "Only this Crystal and Wand can combat the power of the Negaforce. Never let our enemies get them, or the Universe is doomed, but most of all, you must protect our dear Princess Serena. Understand?"

CROW: Not a single word, your highness

(Luna and Artemis, Serenity's two talking cat adviasors, acknowledge the order.)

Luna & Artemis "Yes."

MIKE: Talking cats? How much of this cartoon WASN'T LSD induced?

CROW: Very little.

Narrator "Frozen in Moon Beam Crystals, the queen sent the Princess and the children of the Moon to the future on Earth.

SERVO: And so begins "The Anime World", on MTV.

Narrator "Their memories lost to them all, the queen's cat advisors, Luna and Artemis, must find the Princess, so she will at last be safe. And so, our story begins."

CROW: ….to suck even MORE.

(In a a typical house in the city of Tokyo.)

MIKE: This week, on "Better Dojos and Gardens"

Serena "AAAH! Oh no. I'm late for school again."

SERVO: foreshadowing…

(She tears down the stairs in a blinding hurry, passing the dining room, where her mother is looking over coupons.)

MIKE: What, does she live in a furniture show room at "Sears"?

Serena "Mother!"

(She grabs her toothbrush from the bathroom and brushes while she asks . . .)

Serena "Why didn't you wake me up in time for the first bell?"

(Her mother sighs.)

Serena's Mother "I did, Serena darling, three times, and each time you said you were getting up right away."

Serena "And you believed me?"

SERVO: The official bio-pic of Anna Nicole Smith.

Serena's Mother "Serena . . ."

Serena "I gotta go!"

Serena's Mother "Aren't you forgetting something, dear?"

Serena "What?"

(Serena reappears and sees what her mother had.)

CROW: <imitating Mother> You forgot your brain again.

Serena "Hmm. Oh yeah."

SERVO: <chuckles> …." Oh yeah"..?

(In her rush, she had almost forgotten her lunch.)

Serena "Bye, mom! See you after school!"

(Serena heads down the street as fast has her still-tired body can take her. She's still yawning.)

Serena "I'm so sleepy. Why can't today be Saturday?"

MIKE: Because that would make the plot TOO convenient.

(As Serena passes a parking lot, she notices three little boys crouched over something.)

First Boy "Hold it still."

Second Boy "I can feel its tongue."

SERVO:…….Are we in the same movie?

Third Boy "I'm trying. I'm trying."

(Serena looks and, quickly realizing that they're tormenting a cat, yells at them.)

Serena "HEY! Stop it! Leave that cat alone!"

CROW: <imitating Serena> Damn Appledumpling gang! Ya do this every week!

(Serena rushes at them, and the boys run away, leaving the cat on the ground.)

Serena "Rotten brats."

MIKE: Odd, they didn't even look ripe yet.

CROW: <chuckles> Shut up.

(Having scared the kids away, Serena attends to the cat.)

SERVO: <Blond cheerleader voice> Aw, the poor little puppy.

Serena "You poor thing."

(She picks the cat up. It has 2 bandages in an X on its forehead.)

Serena "Did those creepy kids hurt you, kitty?"

(Suddenly, the cat wakes up and struggles to get the bandages off its head. Serena sits down and places the cat on her lap.)

CROW: Hey! Pussy on Pu--

MIKE and SERVO: CROW!!!!!!!

Serena "You're okay, but how about I take this bandage off of you?"

SERVO: <girl voice again> … or how bout I take the thorn from your paw?

(When she does so, she sees something very odd on the cat's forehead.)

MIKE: <gasp> Stevie Nicks' pet cat!

Serena "Huh? Is that a crescent moon?"

SERVO: She learned those words from Fun Facts on the "Lucky Charms" box.

(Suddenly, the cat leaps into the air, bounds off of Serena's head, and lands on top of a nearby car.)

Luna "Hmm, this girl . . . . I sense something . . ."

CROW: certainly not a brain stem.

(The cat is actually Luna, one of the advisors from the Moon Kingdom.)

(Serena, meanwhile, is a little frightened by the sudden movements.)

Serena "Ni-nice kitty."

(In the distance, a bell rings.)

Serena "Oh great! Now I'm really late!"

SERVO: She's pregnant?!

(As Serena dashes to school . . .)

Luna "Could she be the one?"

MIKE: Starring Jet Li.

(At school, Serena is eating a snack.)

Serena "Hey, did you hear there's a new Sailor V video game out? I saw it on TV."

CROW: Sailor Venereal Disease.

Miss Haruna "Serena, you need more studying and less TV."

(Serena's teacher, Miss Patricia Haruna, whom most of her students simply call Miss H, is turned . She holds up Serena's latest algebra test: 30.)

Miss Haruna "There isn't any excuse for failing this exam."

MIKE: Unless you went through the entire test with your eyes closed…

Serena "I failed? How can that be?"

SERVO: Can it be how I failed this test?

Miss Haruna "Have your mother sign this and return it to me."

(After school, Serena, , talks with her best friend, Molly Baker.)

Molly "Aw, chill out, Serena. It's just one lousy test. It's not like it's the end of the world or something."

MIKE: < imitating Molly> Now I gotta get back to rehearsing for "Chicago"

Serena "You don't get it, Molly. If my mom finds out I flunked that test, she'll ground me and cut my allowance, and I won't get to play the new Sailor V game."

Melvin "Hey Serena, I heard about your test. Want me to be your tutor?"

SERVO: A young Bill Gates makes his move.

Serena "'Bout as much as a toothache."

MIKE: What?

CROW: Did she skip a line or something?

Molly "You're such a dweeb, Melvin.

CROW: This scene brought to you by the Verbal Abuse Council.

Molly She doesn't need a tutor. She needs a trip to the mall to get her mind off this."

MIKE: This cartoon has to be the largest stereotype against women ever created.

(She gets an idea.)

Molly "Tell your mom you're at my house studying."

Melvin "You're going shopping? What's more important than your grades? Look, I didn't study, and I only got a ninety-five. How will I ever be able to explain this to my parents?"

SERVO: Oh, for shame!

Molly "Do we care?"

Serena "Maybe he's right."

Molly "What? We're going shopping. By the time you get home, your mom'll have forgotten all about that dumb test."

Serena "Hmm, do you really think so?"

SERVO: Thinking requires living brain cells, ladies.

Molly "I know so. I saw some major awesome boots on sale."

CROW: Some superduperhoochicoochi boots.

Serena "We can get ice cream . . ."

MIKE: …..In the shoe store?

Molly " . . . then shop some more!"

Serena "Can we look for some earrings?"

Molly "Good idea. We can go to my mom's jewelry store. She's got some major cool stuff. I mean wicked cool."

CROW: I mean Bad ass Cool, bitch.

Serena "Oh, I could use some new pink barrettes for my hair."

SERVO: Berets? She wants to get pink fuzzy hats for her hair?

Molly "Oh, she's got all kinds of great things! You gotta see it! It'll blow you away!

MIKE: Cause she got a new shotgun.

Molly Diamonds, rubies, emeralds, all kinds of stuff! Even some rhinestones."

CROW: But mostly just Zircon crap.

Serena "Rhinestones? I LOVE them!"

SERVO: So how is it women like her can't do simple math problems, yet they know EVERYTHING about gemstones?

Molly "She's got lots of 'em, and in lots of colors."

Serena "Pink?! And purple?!"

CROW: With orange polka dots?!

Molly "Oh, like for sure!"

<All three chuckle>

Serena "All right! What are we waiting for? Let's go!"

Melvin "Ha ha ha. Serena. Ha ha. Beautiful, but a shopaholic."

MIKE: He has a lot of potential stalker in him.

(The Negaverse, an alternate reality which contrasts our dimension. In the heart of the Negaverse is the palace of Queen Beryl. She sits on her throne, and her scepter floats in front of her as she waves her hands over the orb on top.)

CROW: It's Glenda's other sister, Linda, the dominatrix witch.

Queen Beryl "The oracle says it's time to attack the other dimension, to unleash the power of the Negaforce."

SERVO: With new super strong scrubbing action.

Minions "Yes. Yes."

CROW: Corporate "yes-men"

Queen Beryl "But to do so, I shall require energy. Yes, a great deal of energy.

MIKE: So get a case of "Red Bull"

Queen Beryl " We shall get it from the planet Earth. So Jedite, present yourself and tell me of your progress there."

Jedite "Yes, Queen Beryl."

SERVO: I umm..was going to conquer humanity, but then I got hammered and just walked around for a while.

(He appears before Queen Beryl to report.)

Jedite "As we speak, my servant Morga is on the other side, preparing to gather energy.

CROW: <shakes head in a brief convulsion> Morga?!

SERVO: Must be a Godzilla villain

Jedite "The humans are weak and helpless, and they will yield to our will, and then nothing will stand in the way of the great Negaforce."

Queen Beryl "Do not fail me, Jedite. I need their energy."

MIKE: And their shop and save coupons.

Jedite "Yes, my queen."

SERVO: My "Queen" albums, I mean.

(Mrs. Baker's Jewelry Store )

Mrs. Baker "Come on in! Everyone's welcome! Make me an offer!"

(. Serena and Molly walk into the store and see the crowd.)

Serena "Molly, what's going on?"

(Molly's mother, Mrs. Baker, is walking around the store, talking through a megaphone.)

Mrs. Baker "Welcome, ladies! Here's your chance to own diamonds, sapphires, emeralds, and a whole lot more!"

MIKE: All for the low price of only a few THOUSANDS of dollars..

Molly "I don't get it. My mom's sure acting strange."

CROW: Actually, considering most anime women, this behavior is quite normal.

Serena "Yeah. What'd she put in her coffee this morning?"

SERVO: Could it have been the new Sailor V video game?

Mrs. Baker "Today only, everything in the store is ninety percent off! Please feel free to try on anything . . ."

Mrs. Baker "Hm hm hm hm . . . and surrender your frantic energy to Queen Beryl and the Negaforce!"

MIKE: <laughs>…very subtle..

Morga "For I am Morga, loyal disciple to the Negaverse, and my jewels will drain away all your energy!"

SERVO: …The Godzilla AND Tokyo will bow to my will.

(This energy is sent to Jedite, who collects it into an energy ball.)

Jedite "You have done well, Morga. So much greed . . . . So much energy . . . .

CROW: …from Republicans.

Jedite Queen Beryl will be most pleased. Feed the Negaforce, foolish humans. Queen Beryl will soon triumph. Prepare them, Morga, for her triumphant arrival! Ha ha ha ha ha!"

MIKE: This is starting to be kind of a weird show…

(Morga receives the mental message.)

Morga "With pleasure."

(From behind her . . .)

Molly "Mama?"

(Morga is startled for a second, but then, she turns around and resumes her disguise.)

Morga/Mrs. Baker "Oh Molly, what a surprise."

SERVO: DIE DIE DIE! SURRENDER YOUR ENGERY! I mean, hi Molly, dear.

Molly "Serena and I came to see some . . ."

Serena " . . . rhinestone jewelry!"

Mrs. Baker "Rhinestones? Ha! Don't be silly now, girls. Help yourselves to some diamonds instead! There are plenty to go around."

MIKE: Feel free to randomly take rare and valuable gemstones.

Serena "Diamonds?"

CROW: Are Forever?

SERVO: Are a girl's best friend?

Mrs. Baker "Why, yes! Any friend of Molly's deserves nothing but the best."

Serena "I can't believe this! I totally can't believe this!"

MIKE: Like , Wow man!

(Molly still finds this a little weird.)

(At the display counter, Molly's mother shows them a ring with a BIG diamond.)

MIKE: <imitating Mrs. Baker> And this ring has the curse of Satan on it, but still, it's 50% off.

Mrs. Baker "Here, Serena. Would you like to try on this ring?"

Serena "Wow, would I!"

SERVO: Or wouldn't I?

Mrs. Baker "It's a flawless twenty carat diamond. For you, ten dollars."

CROW: <laughs> Fort Knox must be having a lawn sale.

Serena & Molly "Twenty carats, TEN DOLLARS?!"

MIKE: And 40 carrots for only $15 at your Grocer's Produce section.

(A rather round woman shoves Serena and Molly out of the way.)

Fat Woman "MINE!"

(This gets everyone crowding to the display case. Serena and Molly crawl out of the mob.)

Molly "Serena, this is way weird."

Serena "What's up with your mom, Molly? I've never seen her like this before."

SERVO: < imitating Serena> Did she put on weight or something?

Molly "I don't know, but I'm worried."

Serena "Hmm. This place is totally wacko, Molly. What's going on?"

CROW: the age of Aquarius.

SERVO: hee hee.

Molly "Where are you going?"

Serena "I think I'll take a nap before showing my mom my grades."

( Molly sighs.)

Molly "Okay. See ya tomorrow, Serena."

MIKE: On "Catholic School Girl Theatre"

(She leaves the riotous jewelry store.)

Serena "Oh no. How can I tell mom I flunked another test?"

CROW: "Mom I flunked another test"?

(She pulls out her test . She crumples it up.)

Serena "DUH, HOW CAN I SHOW HER THIS THING?!"

(She throws it over her shoulder . . . and right on the head of a young man wearing shades.)

Darien "Hey, watch it, Meatball Head."

(Serena turns around.)

SERVO: <imitating Serena> Yeah, well up yours Spaghetti wiener.

Serena "Uh? Oh, sorry."

(He has already uncrumpled the test and is reading it.)

Darien "A thirty? Admirable."

MIKE: …..for using your butt.

Serena "NO!"

Darien "Are you stupid or just . . . incredibly lazy?"

CROW: …..WHAT a charmer.

Serena "Hah! How dare you!"

(She snatches the paper from his hands.)

Serena "Give me that!"

(She walks away.)

Serena "Hah! The nerve of that guy. What a total jerk calling me a Meatball Head. Still . . ."

(She glances back.)

Serena "He sure is cute."

SERVO: Indecisive? Horny? No acquired memory? You decide.

(Darien pulls off his shades.)

Darien "Something about that girl . . ."

CROW: ….That makes me want to vomit.

(Serena stops by the Crown Arcade on the way home. As she walks by, she notices a poster advertising a new game arrival.)

Serena "Oh! The new Sailor V video game. Ah . . ."

MIKE: This Sailor V game is really kind of a loose end in this plot.

(Serena squats down and admires the poster.)

Serena "I wish I could be like Sailor V. She's so beautiful and smart. Something exciting's always happening in her life, not like mine."

SERVO: I mean all I get is attacked by raging hell beasts…<sighs>

(Behind a nearby sign, Luna the cat is keeping a close eye on her.)

Serena "Who am I kidding? I'll never be like Sailor V, not with grades like this. Mom's gonna blow a gasket when she sees this."

CROW: So I'll continue to avoid showing the test to her.

(She gets up and starts crying.)

MIKE: Phhf… I didn't think the show would go this long before we'd see a girl crying..

CROW: Yeah.. Tch… Women..<shakes head>

Serena "Oh, what am I going to do?"

(Still crying, she walks home. Luna senses something about her, but . . .)

Luna "I can't believe it. This crybaby? She's the one?"

(Serena arrives at her house, and her mother is waiting for her. She immediately cuts to the chase.)

Serena's Mother "So, how did you do on yesterday's algebra test?"

Serena "Uh, test? In algebra?"

SERVO: Is she even using real words?

Serena's Mother "You know, the one you were studying for the other night with Melvin? You two were up so late at the library."

Serena's Mother "Melvin's mom said he got a ninety-five, and they're very disappointed."

Serena "Oh yes, that . . . ha ha ha ha . . . algebra test. Well, uh . . ."

Serena "See, that is, well, uh . . ."

Serena's Mother "Serena, come on. Tell me. How did you do?"

Serena "Melvin gives me the . . . well, uh, you see, uh, it's like this. I, uh . . . well . . ."

(Serena's mother holds out her hand.)

Serena's Mother "Let me see."

(Serena shows her the test . . . very reluctantly.)

Serena "Okay."

(Her mother takes one look, and . . .)

MIKE: < imitating Mother> Let me see that….. 200 hours of AOL?!?!

Serena's Mother "THIRTY?! You said you studied! Know what you need to do?!"

CROW: The Hustle!

SERVO: <humming tune to "The Hustle">

Serena "No."

Serena's Mother "GO BACK TO THE LIBRARY TO STUDY FOR A MAKE-UP TEST!"

( Serena is thrown out of the house.)

Serena "Mother, nooooo! Please! It's too late in the afternoon to study! It's bad for the braaaaain!"

SERVO: So she'll be just fine.

(Meanwhile, back at the jewelry store.)

Woman "Something's wrong. I feel very strange."

SERVO: Diarrhea is like a storm, raging inside you

(The women are starting to get weaker and weaker. They can no longer stand up.)

Fat Woman "Oh, mercy me. I feel as I'm going to fain . . ."

(She faints, scattering beads all over the floor. People all over the store are fainting.)

CROW: <imitating the fat woman> Oh I have the vapors..

Molly "Mama, I'm scared. What's happening to all your customers?"

(No answer. Morga has her back turned to Molly.)

Molly "Mama?"

MIKE: <imitating Molly> Aren't we goin' to Baker's Square?

Morga/Mrs. Baker "Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha."

CROW: heheheheh… Man that Ziggy is SO funny!

( Molly is extremely worried.)

Molly "Mama?"

Morga "I'm not your mother, Molly dear."

(Morga turns around.)

Morga "Ha ha ha ha ha!"

(Her face has a tinge of black)

SERVO: <gasps> The Bionic Woman!

(At dusk, Serena lies back after a long trip to the library.)

Serena "Studying so hard is very, very tiring.

MIKE: Perhaps I should try it some time.

Serena " All those books . . . . All those words . . . . It can't be too good for a person. How does Melvin do it? Oh, I'm so sleepy, so tired. I wanna sleep."

(And so, she takes a nap. In her slumber, she doesn't notice her bedroom window opening and something jump into the room. It creeps closer and closer . . . until the wind slams the window shut. The noise wakes up Serena, and she turns . . .)

Serena "Huh? Huh?"

CROW: You want a piece of me Punk?!

(. Luna sits on her bed before her. She jumps upright and gasps.)

Serena "You scared me! What are you doing here?!"

MIKE: Ah, I'm here for the "CATS" audition.

Luna "Why Serena, I came to see you, of course. Who else?"

(She jumps off her bed and looks back at the cat.)

Serena "A talking cat? Oh man. I HAVE been studying too hard."

SERVO: Is this a conversation between a cat and a blob of inert matter?!…Oh no wait, the other is a human.

(Luna clears her throat.)

Luna "My name is Luna, and I have been searching for you for a very long time."

CROW: About two weeks, but that is a long time in cat years.

Luna "You are the chosen one"

MIKE: You are Bruce Lee

Luna "And I have been sent here to guide you on the path to your ultimate destiny."

CROW: To become a brunette.

Luna "I wasn't sure if you were the one the first time we met, but I've been watching you, and now I absolutely know that you are . . . the Sailor Scout of the Moon."

MIKE: From the new Neil Simon play.

CROW: Which one?

MIKE: Any of them.

(Serena lowers her head.)

Serena "Ah, I'm hallucinating."

Luna "No you're not, Serena. You are Sailor Moon, and your friend Molly's in big trouble."

(Luna tries to get Serena's attention by hitting her head.)

SERVO: Luna played by Jackson Brown I guess.

MIKE: Or Rick James.

Luna "You have got to help her."

(Serena doesn't respond.)

Luna "You don't believe me. Well all right, then. I'll prove it to you."

CROW: …by hitting you again!

(Luna does a backflip, revealing the locket. Serena opens one eye.)

Serena "What is that?"

MIKE: It's a cat, you idiot.

Luna "It's a special locket just for you."

(She picks it up.)

Serena "Wow. For me? It's beautiful. How should I wear it? On my school uniform or on my dress?"

SERVO: Wear it without clothes! TAKE THE PAJAMAS OFF!

MIKE: Calm down Tom.

Luna "Serena, it's not just a piece of jewelry"

CROW: It's a ship leader

Luna " Listen to me! Do you hear what I'm saying?"

MIKE: I mean, has even a WORD of this gotten through that rock above your shoulders?

(No answer. Serena's still looking at the mirror.)

Luna "Sailor Moon, sworn to defend the princess of the Moon."

SERVO: With courage and blondness.

(Still nothing. Luna jumps on the dresser in front of the mirror.)

Luna "Powerful evil forces have appeared here on Earth."

CROW: Lee Trivino and Yahoo Serious.

Luna "And that special locket can help you fight them. You are Sailor Moon, and you must fight evil when it confronts you. You must not be afraid."

MIKE: Because you have……..that..thing

Serena "Yeah right. Just like Sailor V."

SERVO: MAN! Again!

CROW: Ironically, Sailor V backed out of this anime at the last minute.

Luna "This is no joke, Serena. Do you hear me? This is your destiny."

MIKE: Your destiny is to be a brainless tart with super powers.

Serena "My destiny? I MUST be dreaming."

Luna "It's no dream. I'll prove it, Serena. Just repeat after me: 'MOON PRISM POWER.'"

Serena "Okay. MOON PRISM POWER!"

(Those are the magic words. The Moon Prism Locket goes to work, giving Serena a brand new look and transforming her into Sailor Moon, the Champion of Justice. The transformation gives her a shock.)

SERVO: Puma Man!…Oh wait, no.

Sailor Moon "AH! What happened?! This dream is getting weirder and weirder! I'll never study that hard again! I wanna PLAY Sailor V video games! I don't wanna LIVE them!"

(Suddenly, a cry for help reaches Sailor Moon's ears.)

Molly "Help me! Please help me! Somebody please help me! AAAAAH!"

MIKE: Another date flees Billy Bob Thorton's house.

Sailor Moon "That's Molly!"

CROW: And Cubby and Ronnie and Biff!

Luna "That's right. She's in big trouble."

SERVO: She withdrew without commision.

Sailor Moon "Yeah, but what can I do to help? You keep forgetting. I'm just a kid."

Luna "You are Sailor Moon. You will know what to do when you look into your heart. Believe in yourself."

MIKE: Oh, that really makes me think………..As in I think having my groin gradually chewed off by a sewer rat would be better than watching this show!

Sailor Moon "Okay."

(The jewelry store .)

Molly "Somebody please help me!"

SERVO: Except Jerry Seinfeld!

(Morga has Molly by the throat.)

Morga "Hm hm hm. There's no one to help you now, little girl."

Molly "Oh, help me! Oh . . ."

MIKE: ….umm.. Line?

(As Morga laughs at Molly's struggle, she reverts to her true form)

Morga "Soon, you and your kind will cease to exist. Once Queen Beryl unleashes the Negaforce, she will destroy you all!"

CROW: She's supported by the Bush Administration!

SERVO : <fake> noo!

Sailor Moon "Let her go."

(The voice from behind Morga surprises her. She turns her head around.)

Morga "What's that?"

SERVO: It's Shonen Knife!

(At the door is Sailor Moon.)

Sailor Moon "I said let her go!"

Morga "And who are YOU?"

MIKE: <imitating Serena> I am "Mary Kay Woman"!

Sailor Moon "Oh, uh, well, my name's . . ."

CROW: Barbarella!

Sailor Moon "I am Sailor Moon, the Champion of Justice. And I say, on behalf of the Moon, I shall right wrongs and triumph over evil, and that means YOU."

ALL THREE: <Groan in dismay>

Morga "Sailor Moon? Never heard of you, and I'm sure I never will again. Arise, my children, and serve the great power that is the Negaverse!"

MIKE: Sounds like the negaverse is really part of a Tony Robbins seminar.

(The customers/zombies. They follow Morga's command and attack Sailor Moon.)

Sailor Moon "Luna, help me. I don't know what to do."

SERVO: <Sarcastically> …Surprise!

(Unfamiliar with her enemy, Sailor Moon struggles to avoid the attacks. Morga herself charges at her, knocking her against a column.)

Sailor Moon "Ow! That hurt. I don't wanna do this anymore."

Luna "Sailor Moon, what are you doing? You must fight this evil monster, or the whole Universe could cease to exist."

CROW: We're placing the safety of the Universe in HER?!?! Hello oblivion!

Sailor Moon "I don't wanna play this game anymore."

MIKE: And so, Morga turns into Pac-Man.

Sailor Moon "LUNA! I WANNA GO HOME!"

Morga "Fine, I'll send you away for good."

CROW: I'll send you to Canada!

(Morga stretches her arm towards Sailor Moon. The arm is almost upon her)

Sailor Moon "AAAAAH!"

(. . . when something streaks through the air and stops it short. It's a rose. Morga turns around to find Tuxedo Mask.)

SERVO: Michael Crawford to the rescue!

Morga "Now who might you be?"

CROW: Believe it or not, a man

(Standing in a window high above the floor is a strange young man, wearing a black top hat, a tuxedo, a flowing cape . . . and a mask over his eyes.)

Tuxedo Mask "I am Tuxedo Mask. Sailor Moon, look into your heart and find the warrior within you. It is your destiny."

MIKE: This show is giving me current traumatic stress disorder!

Sailor Moon "But I don't want to be a warrior."

(She does the one thing she could think of: she starts to cry and wail. Surprisingly, her powers magnify the noise considerably, sending the entire store into a tremor. Morga's control over the customers is broken, and they all collapse to the floor.)

ALL THREE: Oh for the love…

Morga "Aah! Stop that hideous crying!"

SERVO: Yes! The villain speaks for us!

(Luna advises her.)

Luna "Sailor Moon, quickly, throw your Tiara and then say 'MOON TIARA MAGIC."

CROW: Or…Just..give up!

Sailor Moon "What for, Luna? What good is that gonna do?"

Luna "Just do it!"

SERVO:<imitating Luna> Stupid little.. Er.. I mean.. Good luck Sailor Moon!

(She takes it off. )

Sailor Moon "MOON TIARA MAGIC!"

(Morga; Caught off-guard . . .)

Morga "AAAAAH!"

(. . . Morga can only stand there as the Tiara connects.)

MIKE: So villains can't move at all when glowing costume jewelry is flung at them?

CROW: Apparently.

Sailor Moon "Huh? I did that?"

Morga "I shall return . . ."

SERVO: In the sequel..

(Morga has been moondusted.)

(NEGAVERSE)

(Jedite's energy ball disperses and returns to Earth.)

Jedite "What? The energy. Someone will pay dearly for this."

MIKE: Negaverse. Member FDIC

(Back at the store, the moon dust soon vanishes, and the strange Tuxedo Mask says some parting words.)

Tuxedo Mask "You have done well, Sailor Moon, and now, Molly's mother and all the other women are free. Others will test you. Do not be afraid. I will fight with you."

CROW: ….Is that a GOOD thing?

(And he exits through the window.)

Luna "Are you all right, Sailor Moon? Speak to me."

ALL THREE: NO!!!!!

Sailor Moon "What a hunky guy."

(The next morning, at school . . .)

Molly "Serena, you're not gonna believe this, but my mom and I had the strangest dream last night, that we were attacked by this hideous monster, and that this beautiful warrior named Sailor Moon saved us!"

Student "What? Are you kidding? I had the same dream."

(Molly gasps.)

Other Student "Yeah, me too."

(She gasps again.)

Molly "That's weird . . . very weird. Serena, isn't that the weirdest?"

SERVO: Yeah it is weird……..that some producer allowed this to be made!

(Serena's head is down on her desk. .)

Molly "Serena?"

Serena "Shh. Hey, you guys, could you please keep it down? I was up late last night, and I just need a little bit more sleep."

(She yawns and goes back to sleep.)

Serena "Good night."

<MIKE,CROW, and SERVO exit the theatre, SERVO screaming in frustration.>