Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ The Mirror Does Not Reflect ❯ The Mirror Does Not Reflect ( Chapter 1 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

The Mirror Does Not Reflect
1/1
by Kihin Ranno
silver_siren2@hotmail.com
http://www.geocities.com/kihin_rann o/starlithorizon.html
PG-13

Waking up in the morning... One would think that such a simple task
would not be all together too difficult, and yet with each passing day
I find myself lacking the will and the desire to do so. I am not sure
if the problem lies in my mind, my body, or my heart. The last of the
three seems the most likely to me when you take my element into
account. But then consider the things I must do every night, it could
be physical. And then, as for my mental stability... Well, perhaps
it's best not to dwell on such things as those...

Maybe I should just say I'm fucked up in every way and leave it at
that.

The lids that have covered my eyes for the night seem as heavy as
cinderblocks and sometimes, even heavier than that. Well... maybe my
eyes were not closed the entire night, but as much of it as I can...

My muscles ache from the constant battles I must participate in... The
constant injuries I must endure which never truly heal. Every time
they come close to being completely mended, those damn daimons blast me
again and thus, the wounds worsen.

And then there are those awful dreams that plague me night after
night... Horrific dreams of blood red death and of things I do not want
to see anymore... Faces of people I want to forget...

But always they come and arouse me from my sleep... Then falling back
into my state of dormancy is next to impossible.

I have just awoken from one of those dreams... It seems that that is
the only situation where I can wake up immediately. Other than that,
it takes me at least half an hour. And I already have issues with
time...

But back to the dreams. You have never known horror, never known fear
until you see what my mind's eyes must bear witness to night after
night, and day after day... Yes, I even have the dream while I am awake.
That is how bad it has become. I shut my eyes to block it out, and the
scene just becomes all the more vivid and all the more painful. I open
them again, and it seems I can hear it more clearly. The screams of
the dying and the roar of destruction and chaos.

At long last, I stop lying down on the bed and slowly work myself up
onto my elbows. It is extremely painful to do, considering the last
daimon attack gave me a rather nasty bruise on my ribs. Along with
that, my muscles are incredibly sore and my eyes sting from lack of
sleep. I glance over at the clock and let out a dejected sigh when I
realize that it is only four in the morning. And to top it off, it's
Sunday.

I quickly check the bed for the white furball who prefers to call
himself my guardian cat. When satisfied that he is not there, I
realize that he is most likely at Usagi's to be with Luna. Be it for
senshi business or more personal matters I am not sure. But for both
of their sakes, I pray for it to be the latter of the two.

I throw the covers off of my body and force myself to stand. I am not
exactly sure what I am doing or why I am standing, but I do it anyway.
My steps are a little shaky due to the fact that I still have not fully
woken up and my injuries, and I often have to grasp random pieces of
furniture or walls to steady myself.

At last, I reach my dresser, painted the color of sugary white like all
the rest of the furniture in my room. I rest my hands on the top of it,
forcing nearly all my weight upon it.

I slowly lift up my head and stare into my reflection. The long golden
hair, tumbling down my back in rich, thick waves. Certain strands
cling to my forehead being held there by the perspiration. The clear
cornflower eyes, now surrounded by red veins from my tears and from the
little rest I have had as of late. The bottom button of my pajama top
has come undone, most likely from when I was tossing and turning wildly
in my bed. I notice the disgusting shade of indigo that my skin on my
ribs has decided to shift to and cringe at both the sight of that as
well as the immense amounts of pain I go through each time I dare to
take a breath.

I run my eyes over every inch of my body as I know many others of the
male persuasion have done before. I don't deny I'm pretty. I know
that. It may sound conceited, and it probably is, but I can't very
well deny the truth now can I? There is a reason why I have been
offered a few contracts. Talent has an effect on the outcome as
well, but looks certainly gives me an advantage.

Contracts... Why did I have to think about that? Why did I have to
think of the contracts I've had to turn down? Every time I think of
that I get those feelings again...

Feelings... Emotions... Thoughts... Those are things that my mirror can
never reflect. I thank God for that.

The mirror does not reflect me... Not the real me anyway... Yes it can
reflect me as I am now, Aino Minako. It can reflect me in my former
alter-ego, Sailor V. It can reflect me as the current super heroine I
embody, being Sailor Venus. And countless other forms that I may not
even be aware of. And still it will never reflect the real me.

Despite all my names, all my forms, all my appearances, there is one
thing that I keep to myself. My truth. It may sound odd, but I do. I
was born with natural talent for acting, and I may have never been on a
stage, but my greatest performances are the ones that are seen daily by
everyone I come into contact with. I am acting every moment of my life,
save the time when I am alone, and they do not even realize that it's
happening. It becomes almost amusing after awhile.

I act when someone says an unkind word. I act every time my mother
yells at me or my father refuses to acknowledge my presence. I act
when I laugh off everything and seem carefree and not bound by
anything. I act when I smile. I act when my eyes sparkle. I act when
I talk to my friends. The best performances are when I put on my ditzy
facade and pretend I know less than I really do. I have found that
people see me as a dumb blonde, so I may as well give them what they
want. Nobody likes a brain with a pretty face... At least that's what
my mother says...

The bitch.

My mother... A prime example of my superior acting would be what I do
with my mother. Every single time that woman opens her mouth it's to
scream at me. My hair isn't silky enough. Or my eyes are too pale.
One little blemish and I'm broken out beyond repair. I'm too fat. My
breasts are too small. I shouldn't be spending so much time at school
and more time on my looks.

She never has yelled about my grades... She probably believes its just
a waste of time. Or maybe she just doesn't think I'm smart enough to
be anything but an uneducated housewife, I don't know... She's always
telling me I have to look good to find a man. My dreams don't matter,
and I doubt she even knows what they are. And if she does, she doesn't
care...

Then there are my friends... One friend in particular whom I keep up
the charade for. The one girl who altered my life for all of my
lifetimes and will continue to do so until all of humanity ceases to
exist...

Usagi. Oh yes, dear old Usagi. Sailor Moon. Princess Serenity. Neo
Queen Serenity. It really doesn't matter what you call her. She still
is the same sweet loving person she'll always be. The forgiving and
kind one. The understanding one. The one who loves all creatures and
can forgive even her worst enemies.

Damn her.

Yes that's right. I hate the one person in the universe who should be
impossible to hate. I really do loathe her. Because of her, I've had
to put my life on hold, not to mention put it on the line. Just for
her... The rest of us amount to nothing, but they don't see that...
I don't know why, but they don't...

I guess its because out of all of them, I am the most expendable.
Sailor V's proof of that... There was more than one reason why I was
activated first. It wasn't just to give the leader of Serenity's
guardians extra training. I was supposed to act as a decoy moon
princess. To draw fire away from Usagi.

No, that wasn't her fault... But still, it is hell to think that you
were the moon princess all that time, and then have it snatched from
under you... And on top of that to realize that your life wasn't taken
into regard at all... I was nothing more but garbage to them...

And then that isn't even the big thing. No, that alone would not give
me reason to hate her... No... The real reason is the one thing I want
the most... The one thing I know I'll never be able to have in my
position... The one thing she has that I can never aspire to do
anything with besides wield it on the battle field...

Love.

She has it, and I do not. I don't care if she deserves it or not...
Everyone deserves to be loved at least once in their lifetime...

Except me. I am only worthy enough to destroy lives with it. I can
never experience it like normal people. Or like Usagi.

Once again, her well being and happiness is placed ahead of ours...
ahead of mine. I know it is supposed to be that way, but that doesn't
make it right! It doesn't make it fair, does it? NO! I have
feelings! I am human!

But whoever created me... Whoever deemed it necessary to give me this
life out of all the lives I could have possibly had, doesn't think I
am. Whatever god or goddess exists must get a real kick out of seeing
me live this life... They must enjoy bashing me around as their
pawn. In their dangerous game of life and death.

The problem with that is, it isn't just our lives at stake here. The
entire universe is on our shoulders and they never let up. They never
give us a break and allow us to be human. Allow us to live our lives.
Allow me to live my life as I want to, not a slave under a naive little
girl who doesn't see the pain in my eyes.

I am so tired of this... tired of fighting... Tired of getting hurt
and having to worry about dying. Worry about others dying. Knowing
that one small mistake can cost the universe's freedom... The universe
itself...

I almost quit... I should have quit... This is too hard. It's too
difficult to go on. I stayed because I remembered my duty... My duty
to her...

I hated doing that... I hated coming back. I was the leader, and I
couldn't leave, but I didn't. Why did I have to be so noble?! Why
couldn't I have thought about all the things I have been through over
the years?! Why did I stay for her, when I want her dead?!

Who am I kidding...? I can never leave this life... I tried it after
Alan... but I came back...

Artemis promised I'd have friends who would help me get through the
pain of being a decoy. He knows some of my anguish... Not all of it,
but some. He promised me that... And look what I got?

My friends... Damn them all... Damn Usagi for taking away my choices
and my life, and damn her again for having love. Damn Ami with her
brains and rationalizations of everything. Damn Rei for her exotic
looks and for always sticking by Usagi like she does. Damn Makoto for
being so good in physical combat and for being so much like me... Even
though she didn't have a clue. Damn Pluto for getting the job as Time
Guardian and never having to worry about life and love. Damn Haruka
and Michiru for having each other. Damn Chibi Usa for being so young
and innocent... and damn her just as many times as her mother for
getting a chance I'll never have... And damn Mamoru for allowing the
one man who could change that die.

I look up into the mirror... Stare into the face of a beauty. Perfect
face, perfect family, perfect life... Happiness... Joy... A girl who
fits her name...

I am looking at a lie... A falsehood I have lived for far too long...
I don't want to look at that anymore... I just want it to stop...
Damn it, I want everything to STOP!

The mirror breaks... The blood is all over my hands... And at the lie
is no longer staring me in the face.

Odd I can't feel anything...

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

Last revision... Some people may still find this amusing in some cases,
but something about this fic had been bothering me since I put it out.
I finally figured out what it was...

I'm too obsessed with the generals.

It is not necessary to work them into every single fic... Nor is it
necessary to always have a happy ending. I already know a few of my
fics won't have happy endings, but this one should not have been given
a happy ending...

And the way she wanted to commit suicide was just weird... So I just
had her smash the damn thing. *shrugs*

Oh by the way... *points to email addy* Come on you know you want to
e-mail me... Heck, you can even flame me for all I care... Just please
give me feedback... Then maybe I'll get my next short out faster...