Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ The Power Of Fire ❯ Chapter 2

Ami sat at the window, barely paying attention to the fact that the temperature in the room was steadily dropping without the warmth of the heater that had recently run out of gas.

Why can't I be normal? Thought Ami to herself as she wrung her hands around and around again, Why can't I be like everyone else? The questions continued to circle around her mind in a constant tornado, bringing with them the latest proof of her own betrayal.

Images slowly flooded her mind with the thoughts and words attached to them…

Usagi's light-hearted, sinfully sweet laughter that seemed to create its own melody in the world as it swooped and soared around her.

Rei's empowering determination and how nothing could stop her from doing anything she set her mind too.

Makoto's graceful, nimble movements as she practiced martial arts, and even though they were violent motions she made them seem threat-less.

Minako's beautifully gold-silk hair, the way it waved in the wind as she spun around delightedly in the last glows of the sun.

And then other images too… Images that Ami hadn't really thought about but had still imprinted themselves in her mind…

Haruka's skilful driving, the way she only had to twist her wrist to take a corner and still looked so calm and thoughtful.

Michiru's elegance and regal intelligence that was all natural; talents that had nothing to do with books and numbers.

Setsuna's motherly nature and how easily she could believe in anybody, even if they didn't believe in themselves.

Even ordinary people…

Naru's gentle love that would expand effortlessly to include everyone she was with at the time, even if they did intimidate her.

Unazuki's bright smile and welcoming nature that made the air around her seem to swell with acceptance.

Reika's great and ever-enduring dream that flowed with courage and trust from everyone who cared for her.

Why can't I be amazing? Ami's flow of thoughts change abruptly as she passed through the memories, seeing each person she cared about in all their glory.

Why can't I? The voice repeated itself over and over in Ami's mind. She wasn't too blind to see herself clearly. She could see her pre-occupation and how it seemed to only apply to females recently. She couldn't deny that she was different now, and she wasn't sure what to do about it either.

Would it be easy? A thought that hadn't occurred to Ami rebounded among the already turbulent array of questions in her head. Don't be silly, she answered herself as she slumped against the glass. She wished her mother was here, Ami could talk to her about it.

JUST LEAVE IT! She felt like shouting the words as she angrily bit down on her bottom lip. She didn't want to think about it anymore, it had already taken control of her thoughts more often than she liked to reconcile.

I'll just leave it…The thought trailed into nothingness as Ami finally felt the heavy weariness of the sleep medication take her under its spell. It was wrong, she knew, to abuse the medication that her mother kept in her office. It wasn't even her medication, it was a patient's but the need to stop thinking was something that was uncontrollable to her right now and she didn't know if she really wanted to fight it at all.

The last image that settled in her mind was of Rei, it was an old memory, back to when they first met three years ago. The confident, fiery girl who had little disregard for anybody but also had an incredibly maternal side for those she unintentionally, or in Usagi's case, intentionally insulted.

 

~~~~~

 

Michiru looked up from the book she was reading as another gentle knock came from the door. It was late at night, Michiru didn't know the exact time, but she knew it was late enough for the visit to not be entirely social.

Setting down her book on the table Michiru made her way over to the door, clicking the deadbolt out to find the blank, but still sensitively depressed face of Ami Mizuno at the door.

"Ami…" murmured Michiru as she took in the girl's haggard appearance, her eyes sweeping over the sodden hair to the torn shoes that seemed as though they were about to fall apart at the seams. "You haven't been out all night have you?" asked Michiru, shocked because she already knew the answer to her question. Haruka was right, she's lost.

"I'm sorry, it's late I know but I was just wondering if I could speak to you, that's if it's alright with you? I didn't know whether or not you would still be awake…" Ami's voice was soft and polite as always but it had a distinct air of uncertainty about it. Not that Ami seriously thought she was making a nuisance of herself by calling so late but by the implication it held; wanting to speak to Michiru.

"No, it's fine. Please come in, I'll make us some cocoa," Michiru held open the door further to allow Ami proper entrance, her eyes still unable to take in the appearance of the girl. She's usually so orderly and neat. This isn't like her at all. Michiru wondered aimlessly what reason might stir Ami into seeming so lost and what part of that reason could cause her to visit so abruptly, and call on her for that matter. It had been made clear that Ami and Haruka were friendlier than she and Ami certainly, but that was just because there was obvious competition between her and Ami, nothing cruel but it had a distinct edge to it.

"Take a seat wherever you feel is most comfortable, I'll be out in a moment," said Michiru, motioning to the lounge set that she had previously been seated at.

Michiru went into the kitchen, barely comprehending the motions of making the cocoa until she was pouring it into the cups for her and Ami.

Walking back into the lounge room it was apparent that Ami was uncomfortable. She sat too straight against the lounge and still clutched a book to her chest just as she had as always, except now it seemed as a more protective motion than one of comfort.

"What would you like to talk about Ami?" asked Michiru as she sat down opposite the blue-haired beauty who was nervously setting her book down on the table.

"I was just wondering… You and Haruka… It's just I was thinking…" Ami started talking time and time again, never seeming to be able to find the right words of which she was looking for, eventually though she seemed to collect herself somewhat and form a reasonable sentence. "You're with Haruka and I was just speculating about how that's affected your life, like you know with family and stuff…" The words faltered at the end and even though the purpose of the sentence was clear the way she had put it together was wrong, as if she was trying to convey and hide an important meaning from Michiru.

"Yes, I'm with Haruka," began Michiru, looking down at her cocoa. She wasn't expecting this topic but she continued on anyway, "But to be truthful, it hasn't affected my life all that much. My family is still my family and I'm still me." Michiru spoke gently trying to think how to interpret and answer Ami's questioning statement at the same time. "Why would you ask about this topic Ami? It shouldn't be a concern for you, should it?" Questioned Michiru back, uncertain if taking the direct approach was the best idea or not.

"I was just interested…" Ami's words trailed off as she looked down at her own cocoa now in her hands, she looked as if she were about to start speaking again but something seemed to stop her short.

"But it shouldn't be a concern for you Ami." Stated Michiru, a little confused by the conversation and the way Ami had responded. "Is it a concern for you Ami?" pressed Michiru, leaning forward slightly as if she were going to draw the answer from Ami if only she was close enough. Michiru had never thought of Ami in that way, she had always assumed she was like all her friends.

"I don't… I don't think… or… I don't know…" Ami's voice stuttered and the depressed, dejected look on her face soon turned to distraught as she clamped her hand over her mouth, the cocoa spilling to the floor.

"Ami." Michiru looked at the younger girl. She had only been her age when she met Haruka and yet it seemed so incredibly easy for her to accept that was who she was, it seemed Ami was on the verge of being somebody but didn't know how to approach the situation. It was probably easier having Haruka there though, reasoned Michiru as she thought back to the first time she had visited her family since becoming Haruka's partner.

"I've said too much," muttered Ami to herself, probably thinking that Michiru wouldn't hear. With such speed Michiru had never seen from the girl before Ami had risen and was already to the door before Michiru had a chance to call to her.

"Ami! Wait! Talk to me." Michiru's words seemed to sting Ami as she flinched away from them before saying goodnight and making a swift exit from the room.

"Ami…" murmured Michiru as she sat her un-drunk cup of cocoa on the table, right next to Ami's book which she had forgotten to take in her haste to leave.

"Michiru?" called Haruka groggily as she opened the door to the bedroom. Michiru glanced over at her lover who stood still half-asleep in the doorframe.

"Is something wrong?" asked a worried, yawning Haruka her brow creasing as she studied Michiru's face.

"Not with me…" replied Michiru quietly as she went into the kitchen to get a dishcloth, hoping that the cocoa didn't leave a stain on the floor rug.

 

~~~~~

 

"Something's really wrong," whispered Makoto into Minako's ear as she watched Usagi drag Ami into yet another store in an attempt to remove the terrifyingly desperate look on Ami's face that seemed to have ingrained itself into her very facial features.

"Maybe it's not just her mother," whispered Minako back as they entered the shoe shop in which Usagi was now hurriedly showing Ami shoes from the stores 'Fabulously New Range'.

"How about these ones Ami? They would look great with your pink dress; you know the one with the bow around the waist and the ruffled sleeves," Usagi spoke hurriedly as she thrust the shoes into Ami's hands, trying to catch the blue-haired beauty's eyes but each time Ami diverted them to another area of the shop.

"She won't even look at us," murmured Makoto as Ami yet again diverted another attempt by Usagi to catch her eye.

"This is ridiculous," stated Minako. They had been through majority of the shops in the Juban area since the beginning of the day as Usagi battled to get a smile out of Ami. Ami had shown up at Mamoru's place hoping to borrow a book but running into Usagi, Chibiusa and Hotaru instead; as soon as Usagi had caught a glimpse of Ami's face she had called Minako and Makoto.

"I wonder what can the matter be? Usually Ami talks to us about anything that's upset her, she's never completely shut us out before." Makoto's eyebrows creased into a worried line as she studied the exterior of her friend. Ami had always been articulate and neat but it looked as though Ami had taken to not ironing the clothes she wore now.

"But she's also never been this upset before. You don't think it's because of a guy do you?" Minako tilted her head in thought, trying to bring back any memories she might have of Ami mentioning a guy but she drew a blank. "I can't remember if she's ever mentioned anything to us."

Makoto shook her head sadly, "I wish she would let us help her with whatever it is."

Minako and Makoto stood and watched as Usagi tried and tried again to get Ami to take an interest in something, even wandering her into the bookshop but Ami seemed either completely unaware of Usagi's attempts or incredibly defiant.

"I hope she get's better soon," whispered Makoto to herself.

 

~~~~~

 

Rei was again surprised to find Ami at her house so late at night. It was past midnight when Ami had unexpectedly knocked on the door and when Rei answered it, it looked as though Ami had even surprised herself by visiting her.

"Ami-Chan," acknowledged Rei as she let Ami into the temple. Ami instantly took point and went to Rei's room, speaking with her back to Rei.

"I hope I'm not interrupting Rei but you did say I was always welcome…" Ami's voice trailed off but started up again soon after, "I just didn't feel like being home tonight. The house is so big when it's just me there. Also, I worry about you being here alone and you look like you could use some help with the chores."

The list of reasons Ami rattled off sounded fake to Rei, she knew that if those reasons where true she wouldn't have given them such detail.

"Its fine I was just going to bed anyway. I'll make you a bed, you look dead on your feet Ami-Chan," replied Rei continuing past her bedroom to the linen closest to find the extra sheets that she had used only three nights previously.

When Rei got back into the room she saw Ami sitting uneasily on the floor, again reading a comic book but from the dim light that shone through the window she could see the reflection of pooled water on the pages.

"Ami," Rei instantly dropped in the sheets on the floor, not paying any attention to how they fell; only concerned about her friend's well-being.

It was odd to Rei but she had always seemed to care more for Ami than her other friends. She felt like it was a betrayal to them in some way but she couldn't help it. She cared for Ami just like all her other friends but there was a certain protectiveness there that she couldn't understand. It was like the maternal instinct she had for Usagi, though not quite as strong and not quite as personal. The attachment she had for Ami, she believed, stemmed from similar parental situations. Although Rei had always had her grandfather there was a certain part of her that longed to have her parents. Her mother had died when she was young and her father left the Temple soon after. When she had met Ami and heard that her parents were divorced and that she rarely saw her mother something seemed to connect her to Ami in a way that it had to no one else before. Either way Rei felt her own pain at seeing the pooled water of Ami's tears on the page of the comic book.

"What's wrong? You have to tell me Ami! You have to tell me so I can help you!" Rei urged with all her might as she turned Ami's face towards her, a distraught mirror-image being played back to her.

"I'm all wrong Rei," was all that Ami could say before the tears engulfed her and silenced whatever other words she was about to say.

"It's okay Ami-Chan. You're okay. You're safe here." Rei murmured the words lovingly into Ami's ear as she held her close.

The feeling of being so close to Ami came as comforting for her as well but a small dull pain still infiltrated the moment as the patter of Ami's tears on her neck gave her a shockingly familiar pain of loss, something Rei hadn't felt since her mother had died.