Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ Use the Fork ❯ SIngle Chapter ( Prologue )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

Disclaimer: Sailor Moon and its characters don't belong to me. Lazulite and Esperite are mine.
Note: I include everything from Team Rocket to Microsoft and Adam and the Ants. So later on, don't say I didn't tell you so…

Use the Fork: What happens when the evil people try a new plan (again) to take over the world!

""Dad. What are we going to do now?"
* Esperite looks up from his big book called 'How to conquer Earth for Evil Geniuses'- (By Bill Gates) and adjusts his glasses *
Esperite: The same thing we try to do every night Lazulite. Try to take over the world!
* Laughs megalomaniacally *
Lazulite: * raises eyebrow * and they said I had problems… Shouldn't you be taking your medication?
Esperite… Never mind that! Theme song!

* Esperite bursts into song *

My name is Esperite …
My name is Esperite …
One I'm a genius,

Lazulite: And two he's insane…take your goddamned pills!

Ahem! To prove my evil worth, I'll take over the Earth…

Nephlite: * Calls loudly from kitchen * Yeah! When you can lift your bloody ass from that chair and stop watching the television!

My name is Esperite ite ite ite ite ite ite ite ite ite …

* Lazulite scratches her head *

Lazulite: I think that you need a new song…
Esperite: Why?

* Nephlite walks in from kitchen wearing an apron with 'somebody! Anybody! Please kill this chef!' on the front. Esperite and Lazulite laugh*

Esperite: I see Zoycite has sent you a present in the evil mail…
Nephlite: Yeah. It's an anniversary present. * Gives a twirl * Anyhow. Think about it. Team Rocket has that motto. Darth Vader has that evil music, not to mention that breathing. Gul Dukat has that insanity. I'm actually surprised that he's not the two of you in disguise. Ming the Merciless has that cheesiness. Imhotep has that mouth…
* Lazulite and Nephlite shudder *
Esperite: * Goes back to reading book * May I remind you two not to watch the Mummy before you go to bed. It will give you nightmares. All those zombies chanting 'Imhotep' remind me of a night out with Nephlite down at the bar. He gets so plastered that he thinks that the urinals are made from gold.
Lazulite: I know. He looks at them every night from underneath to check the carat.
Nephlite: What do you mean by that? Have you been inside the gent's toilets?
Lazulite: …No I haven't. I was kept away by your constant boozing and flirting at the bar. Why do you think every woman that you flirt with has so far been found in the Pugit Sound? You're a lush! You lush! Wearing that apron makes you look like a ballerina! Give us a twirl!
Esperite: * laughs * I know! Perform Swan Lake!
Lazulite: * wolf whistles sarcastically * He has the legs for it!
Nephlite: … … * sighs * …I am not an alcoholic. It's not my fault if the booze likes me…
Esperite: * Old-fashioned light bulb appears over his head * I'll be right back!
Nephlite: What could he possibly be up to now?
Lazulite: He's probably singing along to Blondie. Let's go and have a look…
* Lazulite and Nephlite sneak over to the room Esperite is in*

* Smoke emanates from the room Esperite is in *
Esperite: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Nephlite: I hope that's not hereditary. Oh, what am I saying? It is
Lazulite: * glares at Nephlite *
Esperite: Yeah! Those Scouts won't get away from my new giant, red, automatic stir controlled, made from mythril, monster possessed, brilliant, magical, filed at the twines, all together yet again wonderful, dark, nasty and evil Quina's Gastro fork!"
Nephlite: Are you sure this thing's not hereditary?
Lazulite: … Shut up, you ballerina!
Esperite: * emerges from kitchen * I have a cunning plan…
Lazulite: But you are a megalomaniac. You don't have a cunning plan. Still, I suppose it's better than the one's Malachite used to come up with. So, what is it? Spill it out…
Esperite: The camcorder failed, but this won't! Soon everybody will feel the power of my cooking!
Lazulite: * cringes * Yeah. When they all go to the toilet a few seconds later…
Esperite: You'll see. You'll all see once my plan is complete! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Nephlite: * whispers to Lazulite * Remember this. We are never going to invite around our in-laws again
Lazulite: * nods* so what shall we call ourselves? The Bureau of Bad Behaviour?
Nephlite: Can't. It's been done already. How about Charlie's Angels?
* Esperite uses the fork to stir a bowl of soup*
Esperite: Can't do that. They'd sue our Asses. Besides, I don't look good in a dress…
Lazulite: Yes, his ass is insured and he wears that robe anyway. So, what are we going to call ourselves? We need a name!
Nephlite: * looks evil* I have it! How about the Department of Desperado's?
Lazulite: * eyes gleam as she clasps her hands * Just like in a Western! I'll come up with the gimmick!
Esperite: Yeah. Except where are we going to find horses, outfits and saddles in the middle of Tokyo?
Nephlite: I know! The Stars know everything!
Lazulite: * smiles evilly * so where are we going to find all that stuff?
Nephlite: * pauses * I don't know yet.
*Lazulite and Esperite fall over *
…

In the mall…
Customer: * squelches * Ewww! Who left horse muck in the middle of the road?
…

In the park

* Nephlite, Esperite and Lazulite appear in some nearby bushes, mounted on horses and dressed in wild west style costumes*
* Others are glaring at Lazulite*

Lazulite: * Exclaims loudly * who stole my shotgun? This is not fair! This stinks! This is total Bs! Oh, here it is! So, what do we do now? Just charge on out whenever any people appear?
Nephlite: Yes! It's Halloween! Candy Canes and more for all! Mwa ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!
Esperite: * pouts * Hey… That's my line
Nephlite: At least I don't wear girls' clothes
Lazulite: Only at weekends, when you're known as Nephlitelia
Nephlite: What's that supposed to mean?
Lazulite: You're the one who dressed up as Tuxedo Dorkas. He's a girl
Nephlite: … All right, I get the point Lazulite; don't point that gun at me…
Lazulite: Good… Remember that I'm no two, Nephlite's no 1 and dad, you're no 3
Esperite: Shh! Someone's coming!
* All three hide their horses in the bushes and position their scarves over their faces *
…

Sailor Moon: Look at all this candy! He! He! I'm going to get full on indigestion!
Tuxedo Mask: You used a long word! Are you feeling all right my love?
Sailor Moon: Yes thank you my dear.

*As Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask gaze at each other, they hear sounds in the bushes *

Tuxedo Mask: Who's there? Come on out before I go in there after you!
* Three people on horses burst out of bushes *
Familiar Stranger No 2: * points shotgun and sings the song line * Stand and deliver! Your money or your life!
Familiar Stranger No 1: Isn't it meant to be candy and not money?
Familiar Stranger No 2: … Oh crap… It's still fun though…
Familiar Stranger No 3: Ignore them! Hand over all your candy!
Tuxedo Mask: Or why?
Familiar Stranger No 3: other wise we cook for the entire world with this! * Pulls out Quina's Gastro fork *
Sailor Moon: No! Not the Gastro Fork! Quick Scooby! Do something!
Familiar Stranger No 2: … Wrong program! There are no Scooby snacks that will save you from the almighty Gastro Fork! So, stand and deliver! Your money or your life!
Familiar Stranger No 1: Aren't you using that a little bit too often Laz?
*Tuxedo Mask furrows his brow *
Tuxedo Mask: Laz? As in…?

* Familiar Stranger No 1 and Familiar Stranger No 2 look at each other *

Familiar Stranger No 1: It looks like the truth has come out…
Familiar Stranger No 2: I know. Shall we?
Familiar Stranger No 1: * nods * Prepare for trouble!
Familiar Stranger No 2: And make it double!
Familiar Stranger No 1: To blight the Earth with devastation!
Familiar Stranger No 2: To drain all people in it's nations!
Familiar Stranger No 1: I am the only person who can read the Stars!
Familiar Stranger No 2: And he's the only person who frequents all the bars!
* they tear off disguises, to reveal that they are Nephlite and Lazulite *
Nephlite: Nephlite!
Lazulite: Lazulite!

Esperite: What about me? Is this a Lazulite and Nephlite fic? No! It's an Esperite and Lazulite and Nephlite fic!


Nephlite: The Department of Desparados steals your candy at the speed of light!
Lazulite: So give up now or prepare to fight!
Leo the Lion: * jumps down inexplicably from above * Grr. Grr. Grr. Grr.

* Lazulite looks at Nephlite *

Lazulite: I think that he needs a b a t h
Leo: * yelps and runs off *
Nephlite: Whatever! Give us your candy, you brats!
Esperite: Yes! Otherwise, the whole of Tokyo and the world will be constipated by tomorrow morning!
Sailor Moon: No! We'd never do a thing like that!
Tuxedo Mask: We'd rather die first!
Esperite: That can be arranged!
* Points Gastro Fork at them, when a portal opens *
Quina: Where is fork? Fork needed to cook food. Quina cannot catch frogs without fork! Aiiieee! I need fork!!!!!!!
Tuxedo Mask: Is that it?
Quina: Yes! Thank you much!
* runs over to Esperite *
Quina: Give Quina fork back! Thief!
* Nephlite, Lazulite and Esperite look at each other *
All Three: Run for it!
* Gallop away on horses *
Quina: Not so fast!

*rolls after them like a boulder and knocks them over *

Lazulite: Well. Look at the nice view
Esperite: Yes. But what goes up, must come down
Nephlite: And this would be the down part… Man, we need our own motto!
Lazulite: But Team Rocket stole theirs, so why don't we steal theirs?
Esperite: Hello? Physics? What goes up must come down!
Nephlite, Esperite and Lazulite: It looks like the Department of Desperados is blasting off again!

*Twinkle in distance *
*Quina picks up fork and disappears *

Sailor Moon: Huh?
Tuxedo Mask: What's the problem?
Sailor Moon: They stole my candy!
…

* Nephlite's mansion. All three crash through roof *

Lazulite: We lost…
Nephlite: At least we got all this candy. Shall we take it upstairs?
Lazulite: Let's…
Nephlite: What about the Sailors?
Esperite: What about them?
Nephlite: We stole their candy
Lazulite: Like we actually care…
Nephlite: * nods and picks up three sacks full of candy * So shall we?
Lazulite: Let's go.
Esperite: Hang on! Aren't we forgetting something?
Lazulite: And that would be?
Esperite: The moral of the story
Nephlite: We didn't forget. We were going to leave it until later
Esperite: Oh. Then enjoy yourselves
Lazulite: We will.
*Esperite turns on television, while Nephlite and Lazulite go to eat all the candy *

…

The end…

Nephlite: No it isn't! We've forgot the moral!
Lazulite: So what is the moral?
Nephlite: The evil guys always win because they're handsome and good-looking…
Lazulite: And talented…
Nephlite: And cool…
Lazulite: And the best…
Nephlite: Unlike Tuxedo Dorkas…
Lazulite: And the spore…
Nephlite: Who's better than Zoycite…
Lazulite: Who's better than Malachite…
Nephlite: Who's better than Queen Beryl is…
Lazulite: Who is sucked up to by Jedite…
Nephlite: Who Lazulite used to go out with…
Lazulite: Who denies what the previous statement just said…
Nephlite: Who is only denying it because it's true…
Lazulite: Who's only denying the denial that it is true because the denial made by the previous denial is true…
Nephlite: Who's denying all those denials because they're true
Lazulite: Who's denying the denial of the denial of the denial because Nephlite's in denial
Nephlite: Is denial a river in Egypt?
Lazulite: It might as well be a river, the amount of times you drink…
Nephlite: I am not an alcoholic
Lazulite: See! He's in denial!
Nephlite: No I am not! The moral of the story is that the evil guys always win and Nephlite's not an alcoholic! The end!
Lazulite: Like hell that's the moral! The true moral is that the evil guys always win and Nephlite's an alcoholic! The end!
Nephlite: Let's just agree that it's the end, okay?
Lazulite: Okay.

…

-The end-