Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ Wishful Thinking ❯ Steadiness ( Chapter 6 )

"Wishful Thinking"

CHAPTER SIX: Steadiness

As I've mentioned before, nothing in my life was very steady. I'd spent all fourteen of my years bouncing from place to place, being dragged from one city or state to another. I never had the same friends or even the same relatives around me-besides my immediately family, of course-and the friends that I managed to stay in touch with once I'd left would inevitably grow up and then apart. For me, friendships usually didn't last for more than a few months at the most, and I hated that. Even the twins and Levi and Lita were constantly changing, learning new things and finding new hobbies and making new friends that I had nothing in common with or simply didn't like. And that was fine, because I'm not so possessive that I would have wanted their entire worlds to stay focused on me. I wanted them to have their own lives, even if it didn't always include me.

People have to change. I get it, really I do. It's a necessary part of life, and I can admit that I wasn't the same person at fourteen as I'd been at ten or twelve or even thirteen. I wouldn't have wanted to be, and I probably wouldn't have wanted my friends to be, either, but it didn't make any difference. I still hated change. I hated having people leave me. Just because I'm highly adaptable doesn't mean I don't want stability as much as the next girl. Isn't it ironic, though, that Darienwas the one to provide that stability, at least in some twisted way? Darien was the only person that I could count on to be the same from one day to the next. He was always there, even if it was only to pick on me and berate me, but I'd never really thought about it until after it was too late for me to keep him that way.

I altered something between us, that day with the brownies and the chemical I fed my archenemy. I'd expected him to be mad at me, of course, but I'd never expected him to be hurt, as well, and he definitely was. He'd immediately charged upstairs to his sisters' room once he'd realized what was happening to him, somehow knowing I was there just as he always knew exactly where I was. He threw the door open, and it slammed against the wall and left a dent, but the three of us were too busy staring almost fearfully into Darien's eyes to care. Even Mina and Raye were gaping at their brother, not as frightened as I suddenly was but still a little more apprehensive than they'd ever been around their deeply beloved sibling.

I had reason to be frightened, though I continued to believe that Darien would never willfully hurt me. There was just something terrible in his eyes as he stood there, his hands balled into fists at his side, his teeth clenched and his eyes riveted to mine. He didn't even glance at his sisters, instead staring hard at me. I shrank from him, hating the way he was searching my face for…well, for something. I didn't know what he was looking for, and I didn't know if he'd found it or not, because without throwing out a single word of incrimination, he suddenly turned and left the room. He didn't even close the door behind him, and his pace down the stairs was a little too slow and steady after all that fury. Another door slammed a minute later, and we heard his car driving quickly away.

I didn't stick around long, after he'd gone away. His reaction had taken all the fun out of what we'd been doing, and the twins and I couldn't quite meet each other's gazes. I think we were all a little ashamed of what we'd done, even if none of us really had any idea of why Darien had reacted that way. We'd known he'd be angry, but Darien usually yelled when he got mad, and it was terribly unnerving that he hadn't said a thing.

I'd been a little apprehensive myself, about facing Darien at school after what I'd done, but I didn't see him at all the next day, and that was infinitely worse. He didn't show up for our morning art class, and he wasn't there for lunch, either. His sisters admitted that they had absolutely no idea where he'd gone, since he hadn't come home after he'd stormed out. His mother hadn't noticed, fortunately, as she'd been working pretty late the night before and consequently slept in the next morning, but the twins and I were getting worried. Where could he have gone? Darien was a big man, well over six feet tall and very strong, so we probably wouldn't have been concerned for his safety at all if the weather hadn't been so bad. It was always snowing at this time of year, and the roads were nothing short of awful. We were afraid that Darien might have gotten into an accident or something after he'd left. He could have been seriously hurt, and we had no way of knowing.

Naturally, I blamed myself for this disaster. It had been myidea to feed him the dye, and even though I'd been provoked, I still felt awful. What if I'd driven Darien to do something stupid or dangerous? For all his supposed maturity, he wasn't above being reckless, and I admit that I was getting concerned. Okay, so I was more than just concerned. I was starting to panic. Darien wasn't my friend, but no matter how twisted the relationship between us was, I still cared enough about him not to want him to get hurt. I didn't want anything to happen to him, especially not if it was my fault. I wasn't prepared to deal with that kind of burden.

Darien never came to school that day. I don't know how he managed it, since we went to a school so strict that it was next to impossible to skip class and not get in trouble. Sure, the twins and I sometimes succeeded in cutting out of a few classes before we should have, but even we couldn't have gone an entire day without making an appearance. I didn't know whether I should be more worried or impressed that Darien had succeeded in doing so, but the worry soon overcame the admiration, and I eventually wound my way down to the admissions office. I had a few friends who worked there, and I whined and nagged them into checking to see if Darien had called in sick or something. He hadn't, and that only made the worry grow. Somebody at that school had to have known where Darien was, or the principal would have called his mother, and assuming she didn't know anything, she would immediately have come to the twins to see if they did. Mina and Raye, of course, would have told me if something like that had happened, so it was obvious that Darien's mother thought he was safely at school with the rest of us.

Darien usually gave the girls a ride to and from school, and we were all hoping he'd come and pick them up that afternoon, ease our worries for him. He didn't, of course, so the three of us took the bus leading to their home, now only half-hoping that we'd luck out and he'd be there. The bus stopped about a block away from the house, but even from there we could see that Darien's car wasn't in the driveway. The girls and I exchanged worried glances, and we all but ran the rest of the way, threw ourselves into the building and started calling his name. We knew he wasn't there, but we searched the house anyway, wondering all the while if we should call Darien's mother or maybe the police. Bringing the police into it still seemed a little extreme, especially since there was a good chance Darien was still angry and had just gone to a friend's house, but we knew something had to be done, so we broke down and dialed the restaurant.

Darien's mother didn't know where he was. She didn't even know that he hadn't been in school. Like I said before, she was surprisingly oblivious for a mother. We were glad of that, for once, because while we were getting more and more concerned about Darien by the minute, we didn't want her to worry, not when we didn't have any proof ourselves. So we lied to her, downplayed the entire thing and somehow convinced her that Darien had just taken off after school and hadn't told his sisters where he was going. Mina, who'd been the one talking to Anne, has always been a surprisingly good liar, and it was easy enough to convince Mrs. Shields that all was right with the world.

Mina hung up, and then we all sat down and considered our options. We still didn't want to make people worry, not when Darien was probably just mad and didn't want to come home and deal with us, but we had to find him, make sure he was all right. I called Lita's house, told her what had happened and then asked to speak to her brother. Ryan was one of Darien's best friends, and even though I didn't like him at all, I still figured he might know more than we did. I spoke to him for a few minutes, trying to keep my fear for Darien hidden but not succeeding even a little bit. Ryan, though, didn't know where Darien could be. He'd noticed Darien's absence from school, but had just assumed he was out sick. It honestly hadn't occurred to him to ask Raye or Mina if Darien was all right, and he admitted that he wouldn't have even if he'd thought of it, because, and I quote, "guys don't ask about other guys. It's just wrong."

Yes, because being concerned about a member of the same sex automatically makes you gay or something. Ri-ight.

Men.

I was rolling my eyes by the end of that particular conversation, because no matter how worried I was, that was still the most asinine thing I'd ever heard. I didn't let it bother me, though, and no matter how stupid I now thought Lita's brother was, I stayed on the phone just long enough to give him a much edited version of the previous day's events. I didn't tell Ryan exactly what it was that we'd done, of course, but I asked him to start calling all of Darien's friends, see if anybody knew where he was, and then told him to get in touch with either me or the twins the second he knew anything. He promised, maybe catching a little of the concern that I couldn't keep from my voice, and then hung up.

There wasn't much more we could do. The twins called as many of Darien's friends as they knew, but were unable to discover his whereabouts. Finally, having run out of ideas, I called Heidi. She'd just gotten her driver's license, and we talked her into driving us around to Darien's favorite haunts. We went to all the places Darien usually hung out, and then, when that didn't pan out, we went everywhere else. We didn't find him. As far as I could tell, he'd been abducted by aliens or something.

I was practically in tears at that point, and I was snapping at my friends often enough that they were sort of edging away from me by the time we gave up and went back to Darien's house. My only saving grace was that the twins were as worried as I was, and so were too busy panicking over their brother's disappearance to tease me about how emotional I was becoming. Not that I really cared if they did tease me, of course. I was way beyond that, by then. I just wanted Darien to come home so I could stop worrying, and nothing mattered to me but that.

Heidi had decided to wait with us, after our drive around town, but the twins had never been patient, and they soon demanded that she take them on another trip. Maybe, they reasoned, Darien might have gone to one of those places after we'd checked them. It made sense, and it was certainly worth a shot, so the three of them took off again. Somebody had to stay behind and wait for Darien, though, and I volunteered for that. I didn't think I could stand more of the disappointment I'd felt each time we went somewhere but didn't find Darien, and anyway I was pretty close to breaking down. I didn't want my friends to see me crying over that jerk, and going with them wouldn't have been a good idea.

I think Mina might have realized how much I needed to be alone, because she suddenly reached out and caught Levi's sleeve as she went through the door. She dragged him along behind her, ignoring his protests, and forced him into his sister's car. I watched them drive away, and then I turned away from the window. There wasn't really anything for me to do while I waited for some bit of news about Darien, so I simply started walking around the twins' house. I wandered from room to room-and by this time I'd spend enough time here to feel comfortable with that-and eventually wound my way up the stairs. I wasn't really thinking straight, anymore, so I also wasn't paying attention to where I was going. I guess, though, that while I never made any conscious decision to go there, it was almost a natural thing, my ending up outside Darien's room.

I pushed the door slowly aside, staying in the hallway for a minute or two while I gazed across the threshold. Then, with a tiny sigh, I stepped inside and started looking around. It was a neat room-a little too neat, of course, but I'd expected that. Darien wouldn't live anywhere that wasn't as ordered as he was. Still, this was…too much. My own bedroom resembled something more along the lines of a national disaster area, and I guess I couldn't quite understand why anyone would spend so much time keeping a bedroom clean. A bedroom, to me, is just a place to sleep, a place to store the odds and ends that don't really belong anywhere else in the house. It shouldn't be as flawlessly clean as Darien's was, shouldn't look as though it would make the most bleak and sanitary of hospitals seem like a pigsty. As always, Darien had gone overboard, with this place.

On the other hand, I really couldn't fault his sense of style. The furniture in Darien's bedroom was elegant, possibly even expensive. He had a large four-poster bed against one wall, a desk against another. There was even a small bookcase, though it was nothing compared to the library in my own room. I frowned a little as I walked around his room and sifted through his things, impressed in spite of myself. Darien's bedroom looked like something out of Better Homes and Gardens. There weren't even any posters on the walls, like most teenagers had. There was nothing, actually, to indicate that Darien was below the age of thirty.

It was unnatural.

I sighed, moving slowly across the room and sitting down on the edge of Darien's bed as my worries and my doubts swamped over me again. I'd let myself be distracted by his things, but it hadn't lasted. I could see too much of Darien in his bedroom-his need for precision, for order, his physical perfection and sheer masculinity. It reminded me too much of why I'd come here at all, and, yes, it reminded me of just how much I was already starting to miss him. I sighed again, tears actually welling up in my eyes. A few of them spilled down my cheeks before I could stop them, but I hastily wiped them away, swinging my legs around until I could lay down on Darien's bed. I lay on my back, my head cushioned on his pillows and one arm flung negligently across my stomach. I closed my eyes, breathing deeply so that I could calm myself. And then, tears still streaming down my cheeks in spite of myself, I did what I always do, when I'm under stress.

I fell asleep.

Naturally, Fate continued to hate me, and my relatively peaceful-and mercifully dreamless-rest was interrupted. I don't know how long I was actually asleep, before the tall, dark-haired man I'd come to loathe came into the room with me. I don't know how long he stood over me, staring down at me, watching me sleep. I'd actually prefer not to know, because that's just too creepy to think about. Darien has some real stalker issues…

He must have called my name at some point, because I remember stirring, mumbling something back at him. I think I told him to go suck an egg, but I'm not really sure. I probably thought he was one of my brothers come to irritate me, and that sounds like something I'd say. In any case, he called my name again, more insistently this time. I frowned, not quite awake yet, and promptly rolled over onto my side and as far from him as I could get. I reached out and grabbed the pillow I'd been using-his pillow-flung it over my head so I could block out the sound of his voice. It wasn't enough, though, because I could still hear him. I think he was probably getting irritated by then, too, because he finally grabbed me by the shoulder and started to shake me. He wasn't overly gentle about it, either, so I guess he was still mad at me about the dye.

That woke me up. My California childhood reared its ugly head, and I thought I was in the middle of an earthquake. My eyes flew open, my arms started flailing in panic, and I instinctively tried to roll to my feet so I could go cower in a doorway like any sane person. Of course, I hadn't counted on the fact that my legs had been twisted at an odd angle as I'd slept, and now they were asleep. When I tried to stand, all I really succeeded in doing was falling back down. I missed the bed, though, and instead landed on my backside on the floor beside it.

Graceful I am not.

To his credit, Darien didn't laugh, at least not on the outside. He only walked calmly around the bed, held a hand out to me as I gaped stupidly at him. I took the offered hand, my mind too numbed by a mixture of sleep and relief to think straight, and he helped me to my feet. He pulled me up without any effort at all, and then released my hand as soon as I was steady again. He took just a step back, probably wanting to put some space between us, and then watched me without saying anything. Maybe he was waiting for a reaction from me, or maybe he was just waiting for me to apologize for what I'd done earlier. I don't know, but it didn't really matter what he was expecting, because I'm sure that it wasn't anything like what I actually did.

I gaped at him for a solid minute, so many emotions flitting through me that even I couldn't identify them. I think my mouth was probably open, a little, my hands clenched into fists at my sides. Then, while he continued to stare back at me, his own face completely unreadable, something inside me broke. A wall went down, and every bit of concern that I'd felt for this man during the last two days tore through me. I trembled with the unexpected potency of that, my knees turning to jelly as I stared up-way up-into those admittedly gorgeous blue eyes of his.

And then I flung myself at him, wrapped my arms around his waist and buried my face in his chest. "I was so worried," I mumbled into his shirt, not really caring that his body had completely frozen the second I'd touched him, not really caring that five minutes from now I'd probably hate myself for acting this way in front of this man who was still my enemy. "Don't ever do that to me again."

Whatever he'd been expecting from me, I knew it hadn't been that. Still, after only a second, I felt his body shift next to mine, and then his arms were around me. One arm was pressed against the small of my back, the other along my spine. The fingers of one hand brushed against my hair. He was still very tense, but laughter bubbled up from his chest, erupting in an almost uneasy chuckle. His head bent, his cheek pressing against the top of my head. "No promises, Serena," he whispered gently into my hair, his voice so carefully neutral that I couldn't really tell what he was feeling right then. "Maybe knowing that I might run off again will keep you from playing more tricks on me."

It had been the wrong thing to say. My fears for Darien had made me abandon my anger towards him, but now his words had brought me back to my senses. My concern for him flew out the window, my perpetual irritation with him coming back stronger than ever. I pulled away from him, pushing against his chest with as much violence as I could. He let go of me, though I thought I caught a flare of reluctance in his eyes as he pulled his arms away. I stepped back.

I was the tense one, now, and my fingers were digging so deeply into my palms that I might almost have drawn blood. I think my face had probably gone white, as it always did when I was furious, and I glared up at Darien with all the loathing I was capable of. "You jerk," I snarled, startling him with my vehemence. "I can't believe you just said that." I took a step forward again, forgetting that just a second ago I'd been in his arms, knowing that I should just leave but too angry by far to let his comment go. "Do you have any idea what you've put me through, Darien?" I growled at him, taking another step forward. "Do you know what you've put your sisters through?" I was only a few inches from him, now, though I was so much shorter than him that my face was still far enough from his. "We've been looking everywhere for you, Darien. We went all over town-even to the hospital. Does that even bother you? We thought you'd gottenhurt."

He crossed his arms over his chest, the reluctance I'd seen in his eyes completely gone. He was glaring back at me, and he, too, had paled with his anger. "How is that my fault, Serena?" he snapped back at me. "You were the one who played that prank on me. How did you think I would react to something like that? You crossed the line."

"I crossed the line? You were the one who poisoned those apples and started all of this!" My glare intensified. "Or did you think I was too stupid to realize who'd done it?"

"What, and the fact that I did that to you first makes you a saint? I know what you did to my car, Serena. Were you trying to ruin the pain job, or was that just a bonus?"

That did it. If I'd been mad before, it was nothing to the anger now coursing through me. "All this was about your car?! How does my soaping up a car compare to what you've done to me? You'veruined my life!" I shouted back, infuriated. "I never had any problems until I met you!"

Darien was beyond exasperated, beyond reason, even beyond shouting. "You're not exactly the best thing that's ever happened to me, either, Serena," he ground out, his voice low and dangerous. "Everything was so much easier before you came into my life!"

Ouch.

Maybe I was still feeling the after effects of the emotional roller coaster I'd been on all day, but that one hurt. It was one thing to be angry, but even I would never have said that I wish I'd never met Darien, which was pretty much what he'd meant by that last comment. I may have thought it, often enough, but I'd never have said it. Even I wouldn't go that far, be that cruel. Still, there was only one thing to do at that point, only one way I could respond to something like that.

I slapped Darien. Hard. Then, without even taking the time to admire the nice red welt I'd left on his cheek, I immediately burst into tears and ran from the room.