Sailor Victory Fan Fiction ❯ Poppies, Pictionary, and Haruka's Sudden Obsessions ❯ No Undies? Too Much Coffee is Bad For Haruka!! ( Prologue )

Rated PG13

Author's Note: Rated PG13 for drug and sex related humor and rude language. HELLO, MY WONDERFUL FANS!! ::cricket chirps. Pin drops. Toilet flushes in the distance. Lone-prairie-desert-whistle-type-noise. Tumbleweed goes tumbling across the screen:: >_< Yes. My fabulous public. This is the third in my Outers Trilogy!!! Yay!!! ^.^ \ I dedicate this ficcie to my beautiful girlfriend, my insane friends, Vash the Stampede (just because he's so DARN funny!), the Ranma cast (just 'cause THEY'RE so DARN funny!), the Outer Senshi, all Sailor Moon fans, and all humor fic fans. And to my tiger plushie, Velvet, and to my formerly white, now gray little teddy bear, Chinky. ^_^ I don't own the Outers, or Vash, or any one I'd like to own. ::sob:: Ah well. SO DON'T SUE MEEEEE! There will also be allusions to Goldmember. I don't own any of that, either. Enjoy.

WhiteTiger19291@aol.com "Damn! I'm crazy!"

Chapter the First: No Undies? Too Much Coffee is Bad For Haruka, As It Impairs Her Logic and
Better Judgment and Frightens Setsuna With Her Lack of Underpants!

"Haruka...must I do this?" Michiru asked, quizzically lifting a perfect eyebrow.

Haruka clasped her hands under her chin and made the googly-googly- googliest of all googly-googly eyes at her lover.

"Aye, lassie! Ye must!" Haruka bellowed, thumping her sexy self on the chest.

Setsuna blanched, covering Hotaru's eyes and pushing the child out of the room. Usagi magically appeared out of nowhere, picked Hotaru up, and ran to the Tsukino residence with her to play with Chibi-Usa. Yes. Usagi, Chibi- Usa, and Mamoru were resurrected. For Haruka and Michiru's convenience. Michiru crossed her long, silky, perfectly touch-friendly legs, whilst I, the insane horn-dog of an author, PLOT AND SCHEME EVILLY ON HOW TO TOUCH THOSE BEAUTIFUL TOUCH-FRIENDLY LEGS!! AHAHAHA! Ahem. Bad author. No, Tiger, no! ::squirt squirt:: Haruka, Setsuna, and Michiru are all staring at THE ALL POWERFUL AND WONDERFULLY INSANE HORN-DOG OF AN AUTHOR.they should stop if they don't want some freak accident to occur and their eyes be gouged out by marshmallow bunnies.

Haruka, Setsuna, and Michiru all continued what they were doing. Michiru sighed, her sweet, soft, perfect voice wafting through the air like a silver bell. Setsuna rolled her ancient and dusty, though sexy crimson eyes, then stared at the inane and completely irrational Haruka. Haruka stood on a forty-year old wooden crate of potatoes, wearing a complete Irish kilt outfit, complete with the funny thing that hangs in front of the crotch, the socks, the shirt, the hat/beret thingy, and the BAGPIPES OF DEATH!!!! Haruka held up an Irish fairy costume for Michiru's perfect eyes to see. Michiru's lovely, perfect blue eyes widened. Her right eye twitched. Ah. So beautiful. And perfect. A magical breeze blew by, rustling Michiru's silken locks of aqua, carrying with it the sweet smell of the sea and the wonderful scent of Michiru. I, THE ALL POWERFUL AND WONDERFULLY INSANE HORN-DOG OF AN AUTHOR, once again begin my search for the mysterious wind machine and the bottles of perfume or whatever.

"Haruka, love, I will gladly wear this for you in the bedroom, but.out in public?" Michiru stammered, eyeing the costume, which was complete with glitter and wings.

Setsuna chuckled, her ancient, dusty lungs nearly collapsing.

"Ah, shut it, ye sexy mummy!" Haruka griped.

The Guardian of the Underworld said absolutely nothing in reply. Did nearly nothing. Just blinked. And went back to reading her little bookie entitled: "DEATH AND DESTRUCTION AND TIME AND SHAKESPEARE AND OTHER WEIRD FREAKY MELANCHOLIC THINGS LIKE THAT!" written by Ima Freekideekiedutchguy. Michiru's perfect, soft, pink lips parted once again in a soft sigh of her perfect exasperation.

"Darling..." she began.

"Aye?" Haruka replied, pausing from her gluing red facial hair to her chin.

"This dress," Michiru stated, holding up the Irish Fairy costume, "has barely enough fabric for me to blow my nose on."

THE ALL POWERFUL AND WONDERFULLY INSANE HORN-DOG OF AN AUTHOR gave up on looking for the wind-machine, stopped, and stared at Michiru. Then at the dress. Then at Michiru. Got a wonderful mental image. THE ALL POWERFUL AND WONDERFULLY INSANE HORN-DOG OF AN AUTHOR passed out cold on the ground, with swirly eyes and a nosebleed. The Guardian of the Underworld poked THE ALL POWERFUL AND WONDERFULLY INSANE HORN-DOG OF AN AUTHOR with her Time Staff Key Weapon Thingy. Then went back to reading her bookie. Setsuna's red-wine colored eyes, sultry and secretive, looked over at Michiru who had the most perfect- sized, perfect shade of blue sweatdrop on her perfect forehead. It slid sexily and elegantly down her sweet angelic face.

"So, let me get this straight, my love," Michiru said, "you want me to wear the outfit and play Pictionary with you in the nearest Starbucks?"

Haruka nodded frivolously, bits of badly glued-on red beard flying everywhere.

"Why?" Michiru questioned.

"It's kinky!" Haruka chirped.

Michiru's sea-blue eyes, perfectly lovely, widened to an impossible size. She twitched violently, though gracefully, and fell backwards. However, instead of whamming into the floor, she gently floated backwards to land softly on her back. Setsuna's eyebrows shot up so high they were in danger of disappearing into her hairline.

"It must be some odd bondage thing, Michiru dear. Just go along with and you'll be fine. Let Haruka have her fun," Setsuna drawled, sexy and ancient-like.

"Setsuna, have I ever told you how exquisite you are? How like wine you are? Better when aged. You are an ancient wonderland," Haruka rasped.

"Are you calling me old?" Setsuna demanded, crimson eyes blazing an ancient pissyness.

"Aye. I'm also calling you yummy and intoxicating and dangerous to drivers," Haruka purred.

Yes. I can see the readers. 'WHAT THE F-?!' ^.^ I know.

"I'm not wearing the see-through green tissue and playing Pictionary with you, Haruka," Setsuna stated.

Haruka hugged the Irish pixie/fairy dress protectively and gestured to Michiru.

"This dress, lassie, ain't for you!" Haruka bellowed, waving her arms madly, causing a pipe thingy from her BAGPIPES OF DOOM! to poke her in the eye. Haruka rubbed her eye. She held up a green pleather bondage leprechaun costume, complete with hat, shoes, socks, suspenders, lace, leather, chains, whip, and all. (For a better idea of what the leprechaun outfit looked like, think Faye Valentine's outfit, except green, leprechaunified.)

"This outfit, however," Haruka continued, meaning the leprechaun thing, "was tailored to fit your every curve."

Setsuna's old-as-time lips parted in shock. She's so old, dust nearly flew from her mouth. Haruka pounced on Setsuna, and within a matter of seconds, the Guardian of Time was stripped and clothed in the leprechaun costume. Setsuna's crimson eyes glinted with a promised vengeance.

"For this, you will die. Painfully. And slowly," she growled.

Haruka picked at a piece of badly glued-on red beard that had ended up on her cheekbone instead of her chin. She turned her mischievous green eyes to Michiru, who cringed back gracefully in her flawless terror. She jumped on Michiru, bellowing madly in wanna-be Scottish/Irish lust. She expertly undressed her beautiful lover, and before another precious breath was released from those luscious pink lips of Michiru's, she was clothed in the Irish fairy costume.

"Now, aren't you sexy!" Haruka laughed loudly, shaking her head with pride.

Setsuna's eye twitched, and hearing a wet splat against her eyelid, she pulled off a piece of glue-saturated, soggy, faux red beard.

"You're so pretty." Haruka sniffled, wiping at her eye with the corner of her kilt.

Ancient crimson orbs widened with shock, seeing what exactly was under the kilt.and what wasn't.

"Haruka! YOU'RE NOT WEARING UNDERPANTS!" Setsuna shrieked.

Haruka puffed herself up indignantly.

"'Course not. The ancient Scotsmen never wore underpants.'sides." she chortled, "Michi can make good use of it, right, Michi?"

Michiru's usual smooth, lilting voice came out as a hacking, raspy, choked back laugh.

"Not with that fake beard, I'm not!" she laughed.

Haruka pouted.

"But I'm sexy!" she bellowed in her false Scottish accent, sounding much like Fat Bastard from Austin Powers.

All of sudden, with no warning, little Hotaru came running through the living room, dressed like Mini Me as Austin Powers, glasses, wig, teeth, and all. She stopped abruptly. Looked up at Setsuna. Did the little growl/purr thing Austin does and yelped, "Oh, BEHAVE!" and ran off. Usagi came running in after her. She stopped in the middle of the room and took a good look at the three women around her. She chose not to ask, which was, believe it or not, the intelligent thing to do, and continued her pursuit of Hotaru. Dead silence passed, and a few seconds later, Usagi emerged, carrying Hotaru. She waved calmly and trotted out the front door. The brief silence was shattered by the nice man on the t.v. show "Downtown Shibuya's Top Ten Idiots" announcing the winner.

"The winner of this month's competition is Nancy Mukahari (BU-WAHA- HAHAHAHAHAHA! READ OR DIE! WOO! ^^;;), who sent in a tape of some psychotic woman in a kilt riverdancing on a counter at Starbucks and singing "O, Danny Boy" while gargling an Irish Crème Latte! How do we know it's a woman? Easy! She wasn't wearing undies! So Nancy wins 10,000 yen worth of diapers for no apparent reason other than we felt like giving her diapers; 6,000 yen of low-fat doggie treats; 500 pounds of green tea; a novelty Hello Kitty vibrator; a free Replay Card for Suncoast, which may be the only useful thing in this pack other than the vibrator; a dvd with a really pretty cover, a free poster, and a t-shirt of all three OVAs of Read or Die, which is another good thing that Nancy-san (BWAHAHAHAHA!! ^^;;;) will probably enjoy; and a long-haired chihuahua named Bernie to feed the 6,000 yen worth of low-fat doggie treats to! Congratulations, Nancy-san! Wow, Nancy! You sure did get a lot of useless shit! But that's OKAY!!! We'll be replaying this clip for you now!" he bawled, doing step-aerobics along with a Richard Simmons tape.

And there it was. All on tape. Playing for all of Japan to see was Haruka, wearing her kilt outfit with the glue-on beard and all, gargling coffee, singing, and riverdancing like a lunatic Scotsman on crack withdrawals.

"Haruka, explain yourself," Michiru murmured, beautiful blue eyes staring over at her lover, who was sitting in the corner, gnawing on her BAGPIPES OF DOOM!, and hugging her knees to her chest whilst she rocked back and forth.

Haruka's right eye twitched as she looked to her beautiful and perfect lover.

"Irish Creeeeeeeme," she yowled, flopping on her back and kicking her legs in the air.

The Time God saw far more than she needed to, and in shock fell over, suddenly quite unconscious, her pleather outfit squeaking with protest as she fell over and hit the floor.