Saiyuki Fan Fiction ❯ Alive Songfic ❯ Alive Songfic ( Chapter 1 )

Authors Note: I don't own Saiyuki and make no claims on it. If I did, there'd be a whole hell of a lot of kinky shit going down. The song used is Alive and is by the band Rotersand and all rights for the song remain with them.

 

Alive Songfic

 

 

I stand in the blood soaked hallway of the eerily silent castle and wondered where I went wrong so badly. Could I have done any one of a thousand little things differently on the day my world exploded to change the outcome of current events? Would I still be standing here today, knee-deep in cooling blood with my sins weighing far too heavily on my soul? Would you have been spared the terror forced on you by the demons that stole you away and still be safe in our little house, living a normal life with me? Would you be setting out dinner instead of lying like a broken doll forever beyond my reach?

 

 

Jesus, Jesus, what have I done

Where can I turn to, where can I run

Jesus, Jesus, what have we done

A sign of evil my name has become

 

 

I looked around me, slightly bemused. The ground was unsteady under my feet, and when I looked down, it takes me several minutes to realize why. My left foot is inside the stomach of a dead youkai. The pressure of my right foot is snapping the bones of a severed hand one by one as I shift my weight. I blink in confusion. Death is all around me and I know on some level that I'm the one who brought it here, but I can't remember the finer details. My brow furrows and I force my mind to work. I don't really want to know the minutia of what I've done, but it somehow seems important that I be aware of the exact nature of my sins. When memory slams into me, I gasp and stagger, almost falling into the corpses at my feet.

 

“Jesus, Jesus, what have I done?” I rasp out in a voice gone hoarse. Shock at my actions drags the long forgotten epithet from me.

 

Running like a stuttering film before my eyes, I see villagers fleeing me, screaming in terror before they fall under blows vicious enough to decapitate. Blood splatters everywhere making the knife in my hand slippery. The next thing I see is the towering walls of the castle, and I feel dried blood flake off my face when I smile at finally reaching my goal. More screams greet me, and I feel nothing but a perverse sense of satisfaction as I cut down every living thing in my path. Then I'm standing on the wrong side of the bars of your cage telling you I'll get you out, that I'll save you. You smile at me sadly but I don't understand why.

 

You ask for my forgiveness for taking your own life yet deny me the chance to beg yours for not protecting you like I promised. I see you in flashes after that. Taking my knife and backing away from the bars that separate us, plunging the knife home. I watch you fall, your life blood staining the floor of the cell. I'm powerless to stop you.

 

Thankfully, the horrifying film in my mind stops and now there's nothing but white noise in my head. Despite the mental static, one thought is seared into my brain. Where can I turn to, where can I run? You were my rock, my support, my everything and now you're gone. I suppose it doesn't matter where I go. You won't be there. My life truly has no meaning or purpose now.

 

It's then, as I stand swaying and contemplating simply laying down among the fresh corpses, that the pain of the wound Chin Yisou dealt me burns my insides and makes me cry out in agony. Reality jerks me firmly back to the here and now. I realize that the warm, slippery feeling between my fingers are my own intestines that I'm desperately holding inside. I don't even know why I'm making the attempt when I'd prefer to die. My mind plays fast and loose with reality again. More flashes of memory come to me making me groan and shudder, my shoulder crashing into the wall as I take a few stumbling steps over the dead littering the floor; dead youkai that I killed.

 

My mind replays Chin Yisou raining his hate down on me for killing his clansmen. He taunts me with the knowledge that you preferred death over a life with me after your ordeal. His crazy idea for revenge makes me recoil weakly when he tells me what he plans. I don't want to become what I have spent months hunting and killing. The burn of his blood as he drips it over me and the pain involved in becoming that which I'd tried to destroy hurts on a far deeper level than the wound to my belly.

 

Complete fury engulfs my mind as I feel the subtle changes of losing my humanity and becoming youkai. My changing body struggles heroically to repair itself, cruelly denying me the chance to die and join you. I don't want this. I don't want to become one of the things that helped destroy you and what we had together. A towering, murderous rage makes me attack him, ripping and tearing into his flesh with joyful abandon. I now revel in his hot blood spraying my face; the sounds of his dying screams are like the sweetest music to my ears.

 

Reality slaps me in the face hard; the memory of that last murder makes me want to retch from the euphoric pleasure of such a brutal act.

 

And then I hear Him. The demon I have become. I moan softly and bounce off the stone wall of the castle as He pushes me to leave the place where my heart died. I know with absolute certainty He won't let me fall down and die among the youkai. I die and He dies, and His will to live is so much stronger than mine at this point. I hear Him in my mind, whispering to me as if He stands next to me.

 

“Jesus, Jesus, what have we done?” I can hear the mockery in his voice, the glee at the destruction I've wreaked on an entire clan and it makes me supremely ill.

 

How I make it out of the castle, I've no idea. Leaving most definitely wasn't what I wanted, but I'm being driven forward by the youkai I've become. He wants me alive. Some part of my brain registers a few stragglers fleeing the castle, but I don't care anymore. All that I loved and held dear is gone now. A badly wounded youkai staggers past, eyes wild when she sees me. The youkai inside cackles madly and calls out my name after the stumbling youkai, saying she'd better remember my name and live in fear of it. Not long ago I would have been mortified to have the tiniest whisper of wickedness attached to my name. Now, I can't dredge up even the barest hints of concern over what a sign of evil my name has become.

 

 

You were my friend, my guide, my idol

And I lived my life at your command

Our love no one could rival

Tell me how was I to understand

 

 

I stumble down a dirt road leaving a thick trail of blood that isn't only mine. I'm starting to feel dizzy and the landscape is blurring in front of me. If it was my choice alone, I'd simply drop where I stood and be content to welcome death. The youkai now sharing head space with me is having none of that. He forces my mind into thoughts of happier times; perhaps to try to divert my attention from the life and death mental battle we're locked in. Much to my shame, I'm willing to be distracted by thoughts of my contented life only a few short months ago instead of fighting His drive to live. Unfortunately, those joyous thought are short lived, and I can't help but wonder again what went oh so wrong.

 

Kanan, you were my friend, my guide, my idol, and I lived my life at your command despite the fact that you never demanded anything of me. I don't understand why you could've thought that I'd discard you regardless of all that happened to you. I loved you more than my own life. I would have done anything for you. I slew a thousand demons for you. I always thought our love was solid and something no one could rival. Tell me, how was I to understand that you doubted me or my love when I never for one second doubted yours? What did I do to put that shadow of disbelief in your heart? Was it because I didn't come to you sooner? Did you think I'd abandoned you? Did you think I didn't care?

 

 

I kept all my doubts for later

Played the game and played it by the rules

So I became your traitor

Never thought that I was just a tool

 

 

One moment I'm staggering along the road, making a futile effort of holding my intestines inside my belly, and trying to work through my increasingly muzzy thoughts. Then, I feel cold mud under my cheek and chilling rain on my back. I note absently that I'm not standing anymore and wonder when I fell. A voice comes from far away, and in the dim, watery light of the moon, I see somebody towering over me. I'm glad that I had the presence of mind to stop, scoop up and slip on the limiters to make me appear human as I left the castle. Oddly, I find it very important that I die looking human, even if that's not what I am or will ever be again.

 

As I lay there in the road, sure that I was finally being granted my wish to die; I surprise myself with a small spark of spirit and the will to live as I hover on the brink of death. The youkai laughs madly in my head and I groan in defeat. He knows I enjoyed what I did to Chin Yisou in a youkai rage and that I really don't want to die just yet. I admit I had far too much fun letting the monster in me free, much to my shame. In the deepest, darkest part of my heart, I can concede that I want to do it again. I believe that once I'm healed, I'll be able to control the youkai inside me. At least that's the reason I give myself for not leaping at the chance to shuck off my mortal coil.

 

I keep all my doubts for later over whether this is the wisest course of action to take. Only time will tell if I'm making a mistake or not. At any rate, I'll play the game of human and play it by all the rules I know. If I say nothing about being a youkai while acting the part of a human, who'll know the difference? I was human until just a short while ago. I should be able to appear so with little effort. The youkai inside seethes at the knowledge that I intend to keep Him chained.

 

“You force me to live, so I'll do it by my rules not yours. I'll become your traitor. You pushed me to live when I didn't want to, therefore I'll repay you by keeping you chained inside me. You are nothing but a tool, thus I'll use you as well as whatever abilities being a youkai have granted me.”

 

“Are you sure about that, Gonou? I never thought that I was just a tool. Do you honestly think that's the way it is between us? Perhaps you, the human, were the tool all along and I was only using you to reach my full potential. I don't come from nothingness. I've always been here. Lurking in the dark corners of your soul, waiting for the day you'd do something to set me free. Remember, you killed all those people and youkai before you became one yourself. I had very little to do with that.”

 

 

Alive - and forced to live

Alive - and no relief

 

 

My breath catches. I hadn't thought of that and want to immediately deny it could be the truth. I never dreamed it possible that the terrible things I'd done were all an unconscious effort to become a creature that revelled in death and destruction, needing only an excuse to break free. I struggle against the urge to keep breathing and He laughs maniacally as I fight to die. I'm alive and realize that regardless of how I may struggle or what I said, I'm forced to live. I can't gather the will to extinguish my spark of life.

 

I'm alive and no relief of slipping into an endless sleep will be coming for me. Hot tears drop to the ground, mixing with the chill rain that still continues to fall. I whimper softly, utterly defeated by the knowledge that nothing will ever be the same again. I turn my head to look at the dark shape squatting over me in the road and know true despair when I hear the man say to hang on and that he'll get me fixed up.

 

I'm alive despite wishing it otherwise. I get the feeling that it'll be a very long time before I'll be allowed to die.