Saiyuki Fan Fiction ❯ Living on Empty ❯ Confused feelings ( Chapter 1 )

 

 

Living on Empty

 

 

 

I do not own the characters of Saiyuki, but I would like to claim Sanzo and Gojyo for my very own.

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Sanzo sits down on the grass leaning against a tree. He pulls his pack of smokes from his sleeve and lights one. He looks at the others as they too relax from their fight with the youkai. Gojyo gets up and walks over to Sanzo, “I need a light and I think you have my lighter.”

 

Sanzo does not raise his eyes as he answers, “Fuck off, ass-hole, every time you lose your lighter you claim I have it.”

 

“Listen, you high and mighty monk, just give me a light!”

 

“Don't want too.”

 

Gojyo looks at him with his eyes wide and his mouth opening and closing. “Wha…what you say!?”

 

Sanzo chuckles under his breath. He loves pushing Gojyo's buttons. The kappa always got flustered when he is at a lost for words.

 

Gojyo flops down on the ground next to Sanzo and leans back, invading his personal space. The monk looks at him without turning his head, “Why do you have to sit next to me, baka?”

 

Gojyo smirks as he closes his eyes and rolls his cigarette between his two fingers, “If I can't light my own, then I'll share the smoke from yours. This is nice and cozy isn't it; I inhale your smoke as you blow it out.” He chuckles as he tells him this, waiting on the fireworks to begin.

 

Sanzo takes his lighter from his sleeve and tosses it to him. “Now, get the hell away from me.” Gojyo lights his cigarette, stands and drops the lighter back in the monk's lap. He inhales deeply, blows out the smoke and smirks back down at Sanzo. “I thought you would see it my way.”

 

He walks back over to Hakkai and sits besides his best friend. “That stupid monk, one day I'm going to get even with him for being so shitty all the time.”

 

Hakkai smiles at Gojyo, “You should let him rest, after all he does get tired faster then we do.” He looks over at Sanzo as he lights another cigarette, “He is smoking more than usual I think. He must have a lot on his mind wouldn't you say? He only smokes like that if he's worried about something.”

 

“And what the hell could he be worried about? We've sent all the youkai to hell in a hand basket didn't we?” He leans back taking another pull from his cigarette. He pulls his leg up where he rests his arm across it. He has a frown on his face as he looks at Sanzo.

 

Lately he has been thinking a lot about the blonde haired monk, especially at night. The last time he and the others had to share one large room he and Sanzo were the last ones to sleep and he almost crossed the line.

 

Flashback three nights ago:

 

Goku has fallen asleep as soon as they made it into the room with Hakkai following soon after. Sanzo is sitting by the window staring out into the darkness, blowing smoke at the moon. Gojyo walks up behind him, leaning down to look out the window also. “The world seems like a peaceful place at night doesn't it. At a time like this you can sleep with the knowledge that the gods are watching over you.”

 

“Hump, I didn't know you have trouble sleeping at night. You want the gods to read you a bedtime story too.”

 

Gojyo looks down at Sanzo as he straightens up. “No, but why don't you read me one, since you're the closest thing we got…to a god right now.” He has his usual smirk on his handsome face.

 

“As if.” Sanzo gets up, goes over to his bed, and sits on the edge as he looks around at Goku and Hakkai. He sighs as he lights another cigarette leaning his head back against the wall. He hates how he feels when Gojyo gets to close to him. There is something about the kappa that makes him shudder involuntarily. He feels Gojyo's aura invading his own whenever he is near. His pulses seem to race out of control and he could feel his body flush involuntarily and this is something he is not familiar with.

 

He is a man that likes to be in control of all his emotions. Showing weakness around others is not an option for the monk. Hold nothing, is something he knows means not to get involved with others to the point where their welfare is more important then your own. You can die worrying about someone you're close to, someone you don't want to lose.

 

He can feel the kappa without looking, too know he is standing too close. “What is it now ass-hole. Don't tell me you need to be tucked in now?” He mentally kicks himself. `Why did he say that!?' Now he has started a dialogue with the baka and may never get to sleep! He looks up warily at Gojyo, hoping that he would just go away.

 

“If you're not planning on sleeping with me, then I think you should go to your own bed, Master Sanzo! After all you are the one that assign the beds.”

 

Sanzo looks down and discovers he is indeed in Gojyo's assigned bed. “Go sleep in the other one, I'm not moving.” He turns on his side with his back to the redhead.

 

“Why you…” Gojyo gives his back a seething look, goes next to Hakkai, and flops down on the futon, thinking about amethyst eyes before he falls asleep.

 

End of flashback:

 

“Are we ready to go? We can make it to the next village by nightfall if we leave now.” Hakkai smiles at the others as he calls Hakuryu over from the trees.

 

“Oh boy, we get to eat, I'm starving! Maybe we can get some meat-buns, right, Sanzo?” Goku hops behind Sanzo and takes his seat. The other two exchange a smile and get in.

 

“You know you need to get some new material, monkey. We know you're always starving.” He hits the smaller Ikkou on the back of the head.

 

“Ow! That hurts, you water-sprite!” He turns and tries to hit Gojyo but he blocks and grabs him in a headlock.

 

Hakkai starts the jeep, chuckles under his breath at the two in the back, and glances over at Sanzo. He hates the noise the two makes when they are in the back wrestling. “Pipe down you two or I'll let one fly!”

 

“He started it; I can't help if I'm always hungry!”

 

“Yes you can. You just like to announce it to us every five minutes!”

 

“Do not!”

 

“Do too!”

 

Do not!”

 

Do too!”

 

Sanzo pulls out Shoureiju and fires off a couple of rounds effectively silencing the two in the back. Goku ducks behind Gojyo and tries at being one with the back seat. Hakkai chuckles and looks over at Sanzo. “Maybe will have some peace for a little while now, but you know you scared all of us, not just them. I could have sworn I heard Hakuryu chu just now.”

 

“He should be use to it by now. Those idiots are always making me aim for the goddess for sticking me with them!”

 

Hakkai chuckles and Sanzo sits back with his eyes closed trying to take advantage of the quiet for now. Gojyo and Goku settle down in the back as they gaze out at the heat-filled desert, each lost in his own thoughts.

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Standing at the counter to check in Goku looks around at the dinning room and then at Sanzo. “Are we going to eat now, Sanzo?” As if his stomach is confirming his hunger, it growls.

 

“Take my bags up to the room.” He hands Hakkai his card and takes Goku into the dinning room. He looks over his shoulder and tells Hakkai he will order dinner and to join him when they are finished. “Don't take too long and make sure we all have separate rooms.”

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Goku is sitting at the table bouncing in his seat. “When are they going to bring the food? I'm starving, Sanzo!”

 

Sanzo looks over at Goku and groans. “You have to wait like anyone else so shut the hell up!” He glares at Goku as he seen to melt into his seat. He looks over as Hakkai and Gojyo come up to the table.

 

“You haven't been served yet Sanzo?” Hakkai looks around for the waiter.

 

Gojyo chuckles, “I bet the monkey is having fits over not being able to eat right now.” He pulls his set out and sits down. Tell your mommy to get them to hurry up with dinner monkey.”

 

Sanzo pulls his fan from his sleeve and hits Gojyo across the head three times in succession causing him to duck and look at the monk in surprise. The young Ikkou laughs aloud forgetting his hunger for a few moments.

 

“Why did you do that, you stupid monk! You need to know how that shit feels! One day I'm going to take that fan and shove…”

 

“If you don't like it, then keep you mouth shut, baka!”

 

The server brings their food followed by two others and they set the food down in front of the travelers. “Oh boy, food!”

 

As the other two fights over the portions of the food, Hakkai looks at Sanzo and tells him, he was only able to get two rooms since they were the last ones. “We will have to double up and I thought you would like to sleep with your ward but Gojyo said he would share with you since the two of you smoke and neither one of us does.”

 

“That's fine; I know he is going out this evening since there is a bar not to far from here. That means I should be sleep by the time he returns.”

 

“You never know monk, I might just bring one back and put you out for the night.”

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Sanzo is sitting by the window smoking a cigarette looking up at the moon once again. He inhales and turns towards the door. As the it opens, he looks back out the window. He knows it is Gojyo but what he doesn't know is why he is here after only one hour. He usually stays out for half the night, sneaking in at the crack of dawn and sleeping in the jeep while the rest of them have to smell the booze and women on him.

 

“You not sleep monk?”

 

Sanzo turns at the sound of his voice and looks at him with a raised brow. He watches as the kappa walks over to the window. “Why are you back so early? I thought you would be out the rest of the night. What's the matter you didn't get lucky with the usual sluts?” He turns back to the night and takes another pull off his cigarette.

 

Gojyo gives a lopsided smile and looks at the monk hungrily. All he wanted too do right now was kiss the back of Sanzo's neck and bury his nose in his golden hair.

 

Going to the bar was a mistake when all he wanted was to stay here in the hotel room. He found of late that all he could think about is the angry monk who kept him and the others at arm's length.

 

He is quiet as he stares at Sanzo, wondering if he is going to turn around sometime tonight. What he didn't know is the monk is afraid to turn around and face him. His heart is beating so loudly he knows the kappa has to hear it.

 

“How long have you been at the window? I thought you were tired?”

 

“Hump!” he keeps staring out the window not daring to answer. “Go away, leave me alone don't come any closer…please.” He reaches for another cigarette with a shaky hand. He looks down and drops the pack to the floor and as he bends to pick it up Gojyo bends at the same time. They both look into the others eyes not saying anything each lost in total confusion about the other.

 

The golden haired monk breaks contact and sits back on the window seat as the kappa hands him the cigarettes. “Here you go.” He stares, as the monk takes the cigarettes without looking at him.

 

“What did I do now?” the red haired kappa looks at him with a frown on his face, “what crawled up your ass?” He walks over to the bed, sits down, looks at the monk, and then stretches out with his hands behind his head.

 

Sanzo takes a few calming breaths then looks over at Gojyo. He longs to run his fingers through the flame colored hair to see if it is a soft as it looks. He turns his head back towards the window not seeing the shadowy night. The only thing he sees is the image of the Hanyou with his hair falling softly against his face.

 

`Oh hell! What is wrong with me! Fuck! This has to stop.' I don't want that whore chasing, slut sucking, Hanyou! Get your shit together you fool! All he will do is laugh if he finds out. This shit would be right up his alley to have me wanting the likes of him!'

 

He steals a look at Gojyo, as he lies back smoking a cigarette. He watches the rise and fall of his broad chest, the muscles of his strong arms flex under the soft moonlight every time he raises his hand to his lips to smoke his cigarette.

 

The smoke curls up to the ceiling in long swirls as he exhales. He knows the monk is watching him as he lets a small smile emerge on his lips. This is something he is enjoying, in a devious way.

 

Maybe this night won't be a waste after all. Coming back to the inn early, might be just what they both need. He wants to turn his head but the comfortable silence between them is rare and he wants to relish every non-verbal moment as long as he can.

 

He can hear the monk breathing and notices the change when he turns to gaze back into the darkness. He glances over and sees that he has his head thrown back and his beautiful eyes closed.

 

`Open your eyes and look at me. Don't close them against me like that, I want you to see the desire I have for you. Can't you see how I long to hold you and stroke your golden head as it lies on my chest. I want to heal the pain you feel because I know you have to be hurting to keep everyone away like you do. Open your eyes and your heart…please.'

 

Sanzo looks over at the kappa and turns his back quickly, `Why is he looking at me like that. Does he know what I'm thinking! Yeah right, as if he can read minds! Stop acting like a kid with his first infatuation! He could not possibly know how I feel or what I'm thinking, just calm down and get your act together.

 

He does not realize that his body is giving him away, his movements jerky and uneven. Then he feels the kappa's breath close to his neck. He wants to lean back, feel that broad chest against his cheek as he nestles his head, and look up into the flame red eyes, eyes that hold so much promise as they gaze at him in longing.

 

The monk shudders as he lifts his hands up to his own eyes. He shakes his head trying to clear it of the picture he has in his head. “Not now Gojyo, please not now, don't come any closer!” He groans and pushes himself off the window seat and pushes past him and throws himself down on his bed.

 

“Are you okay Monk. I didn't mean to upset you.” Gojyo walks over to his own bed and watches Sanzo as he lays in a fetal position, wondering what he did to him.

 

Sanzo says nothing as he hugs himself. He's not use to feeling this way and it's hard for him to express himself. He has pushed people all his life to stay away from him and now he wants this man to be closer then anyone he has ever known. Goku is the only exception because he couldn't get rid of him if he tried. He knows their fates are tied together, but this, this is something entirely different. This is something new to him, something he desires and he should not desire anything or…anyone.

 

His teachings forbade him to desire. The Absolute is the extinction of desire. He has been taught that since childhood but he knows he already has hatred in his heart and as for illusion, he knows he will never have the illusion that he and the kappa will ever be together.

 

However, if he feels this way, why is he in turmoil now? He can feel his heart slowing down as he relaxes. He turns over on his back straightening out his body. He has his arm over his eyes and does not see when Gojyo walks over and look down at him with concern in his crimson eyes.

 

He stands there with his hand on the back of his neck and his head down, looking at the monk. “Are you okay now? I don't want the monkey thinking I did something to you. If I upset you then…you know… I'm sorry.”

 

Sanzo looks at him for the first time and allows a small smile to escape. “It's not your fault and yes, I'm fine. Get to sleep will you. We have a long way to go tomorrow. You should rest too.”

 

Gojyo looks at him in shock because this is the first time he has made a sentence with out cursing or trying to shoot or hit him with something. `Now I know something is wrong!'

 

He smiles down at the monk and agrees. He backs up to his bed and sits with a flop. “You sound like a normal person, right now. I could get used to it. You want me to tuck you in so you don't fall out of bed?” He smirks at Sanzo.

 

He turns his back on Gojyo and says in an inaudible voice. “If you think you can get away with it, go for it?”

 

He looks over at Sanzo with his mouth open. `Did that bastard just challenge me!?'

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Is he going to go for it or will he give up!