Saiyuki Fan Fiction ❯ Take it or Leave it ❯ Chapter 4 ( Chapter 4 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Title: Take it or Leave it - Ch.4
Pairing: Gojyo/Sanzo (naturally)
Rating: Mature content
A/N: Sadly, humor is lacking in this chapter, but I suppose that's to be expected after chapter three. Hakkai and Goku play bigger roles and are given a little more depth in this one, so if you're a fan, yay for you.
Length: the shortest chapter yet O_O

Disclaimer: For the love of God, stop reminding me they aren’t mine!

Warnings: Yaoi, citrus, general potty-mouth, some violence, angst galore. Also possible fluff and/or sap. Ah, who am I kidding. It is sap and fluff. Go me.

Take it or Leave it

Chapter Four


The rain had picked up again but Sanzo found he really didn't care. His bare feet squelched loudly in the mud of the main road as he was drawn towards the outskirts of town in almost a trance, his stomach boiling with a storm of emotion he could not handle. He couldn't worry about that now. There was something he needed to do.

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Gojyo didn't sleep at all. He couldn't, not even if he had wanted to, which he didn't. He reached over to the pile of clothes on the chair beside the bed and pulled his winning cigarette out of his pant's pocket, having swiped it from Sanzo when he hadn't been paying attention, and let it hang out of his mouth as he stared at the ceiling unable to bring himself to light it. He didn't even want to throw it out.

In kind, Hakkai had settled himself in the windowsill of his room, staring out at the point in the distance in which Sanzo has vanished. He never should have allowed the monk to go out in the state he had been in, whether he would have gotten himself shot for saying so or not. And now it had been hours, and the blonde had not returned.

Goku had moved to crouch in the foyer of the inn, hugging his knees and worried to death about Sanzo. He wondered vaguely if the monk could hear his cries.

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In the early hours of morning, Sanzo wandered slowly back to the inn, muddy and freezing, his bare feet numb. He wished then that he had remembered to get shoes in his haste to leave. He bypassed the other three members of the group in the dining room where they had congregated silently not too long before without any sign of recognition, the arms wrapped around his middle hardly covering the blood staining his clothes.

Gojyo's eyes followed the blonde with a forlorn air and he had to fight the urge to get up and chase after the monk who disappeared up the steps, undoubtedly back to the rooms. Goku looked just as torn.

Not entirely sure what Sanzo's condition was but far more certain that it wasn't good, Hakkai said quietly, "I guess we're staying here for another day."

Goku bit his lip and glared at the table. He knew that if he even approached the monk now he wouldn't get any answers, yet that knowledge didn't make the situation any easier; if anything, it made it all the more frustrating.

Silence reigned, grating on Gojyo's nerves. He hated silence. He stood and made for the door.

"Where are you going?" Hakkai asked softly.

"Out," Gojyo said shortly, unable to even look at the other two.

Goku passed a worried glance with Hakkai. Even if he didn't know everything that had transpired, he knew Gojyo wasn't in the best of states either. Hakkai almost pitied Goku a little for being the only one who didn't know what was going on. He just wasn't sure whether or not Goku could understand. Hakkai wasn't sure he really understood it himself.

Goku caught Gojyo's sleeve. "Please don't go. Everything's already so wrong," he said, looking up with big, golden eyes.

Gojyo tousled the monkey's hair. "I know."

"I don't really get what the problem is, but I know it has to do with you," Goku said seriously, "and I've never seen Sanzo act so...un-Sanzo-ish."

Gojyo remove his hand from the kid's hair. "What makes you think it has to do with me?"

Goku cast Gojyo a withering stare worthy of the monk. "I'm not an idiot. I have eyes, and ears, and they work just fine."

"I never said you didn't," Gojyo said evasively, not in the mood for an interrogation or a fight.

"Whatever," Goku scowled at the table again as Gojyo left, wanting to forget that any of it had ever happened. "They're both idiots," Goku muttered.

"I know," Hakkai said sadly.

Goku sighed and pushed back from the table. "I'm gonna go see if I can get Sanzo to answer me. He reeked of blood."

"I noticed." Hakkai said wearily.

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In the bathroom of the room he had trashed last night, Sanzo pulled soiled pieces of fabric out of the vicious, seeping wounds curling around his left side and across his stomach. That bastard's claws had been sharp. He prodded at the wounds with disinterest. They looked pretty nasty. Hurt like hell too. He didn't care.

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Gojyo stalked down the road, ignoring the dizziness he still had from yesterday. At least his chest didn't hurt anymore. One small consolation in an absolute fiasco. Who had he been kidding? He never should have gotten involved with the monk. He should have know this would happen.

He walked past what had used to be a house and had undoubtedly been torn apart by demons. He felt a sudden pang in his chest as he remembered the demon that had caused the whole mess in the first place. An incomprehensible anger boiled in his gut and the kappa ran outside the town's wall in search of the bastard. He had to pay.

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Sanzo stilled in his inspection when he heard a faint knocking on the door and a muffled call from Goku. He couldn't handle Goku right now. At least he'd had the foresight to lock the damn door. The monk hastily dabbed at the wounds with a hand towel, doing a poor job at cleaning them, before holding it to them to try to stop the bleeding.

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P icking up the scent of that cursed demon, Gojyo picked up his pace only to abruptly skid to a halt in front of it's corpse. "Shit," the red head muttered as he saw the bullet holes littering the body. It had to have been Sanzo.

Worry taking the place of rage, Gojyo took off back towards the inn, hoping the blood he'd smelled on the blonde earlier hadn't been from something too serious.

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Al l pretenses forgotten, Goku pounded loudly on the door, Hakkai standing silently a short ways away behind him. "Sanzo, come on! I know you're in there! At least say something,"

Still holding the towel to the gashes and more than a little woozy, Sanzo walked back into the room from the bathroom, stepping over the tendrils of the scripture and broken wood no one had bothered to clean up yet, and opted to lie on the floor as he was still filthy and didn't feel like he deserved the comfort of a bed. He obviously wasn't allowed comfort of any sort anyways.

"Sanzo! Stop being childish and open up! I know you're hurt!"

Hakkai looked up startled when Gojyo appeared at the top of the stairs in a hurry, stopping next to Goku who looked up with a start. "Where'd you come from?"

"Sanzo, why'd you do that?" Gojyo asked loudly through the door, ignoring Goku's questions.

Inside the room, Sanzo tensed at the sound of Gojyo's voice.

"What are you talking about?" Goku asked, bewildered.

"I saw the body, Sanzo."

Sanzo turned to stare at the door, feeling the beginnings of panic and scooting back against the wall on the far side of the room. Why was Gojyo out there? Why now?

"What body?" Goku asked in irritation. "What's going on?"

"If you're done with this whole thing then just say so and go back to being a selfish asshole," Gojyo continued angrily, "but don't hover in between." Glaring at the door he added, "Nothing's changed in my mind."

Sanzo huddled against the wall, holding his middle. He couldn't deal with this right now.

Taken aback by the harshness in the red head's voice, Goku said angrily to the kappa, "Now wait a minute--"

Ignoring Goku yet again, Gojyo leaned against the door and closed his eyes. "Don't do this to me, Sanzo..."

Sanzo whimpered as acid ate away at his stomach, the stress and the wound burning up his insides. Everything was too much to take.

"I'll wait for you," Gojyo said, letting his hand slide down the door and back to his side. "Even if you never speak to me again, even if I drink, and smoke, and fuck every chick on this planet." he said bitingly, walking back to the stairs away from a baffled Goku, the look Hakkai sent his way, and the door that refused to answer.

Catching another small noise of pain drift through the door, Goku forgot his confusion and pounded on the door with his fist again. "Open the door, please! I know you're in pain!" Frustrated he turned to look at Hakkai. " Dammit, I can hear him but he won't answer me,"

Hakkai laid a hand to rest gently on Goku's shoulder. They both knew full well that it wasn't the best of times to invade Sanzo's privacy, but if he played possum for much longer Hakkai would go in whether the blonde liked it or not.

Sanzo grit his teeth and grasped a broken chair leg lying on the floor and threw it at the door with a resounding bang. Hakkai rolled his eyes. "Why don't you try going back to bed and getting a little sleep, Goku, I don't think he's wounded too badly."

"But..." Goku looked at the door in concern.

Hakkai sighed. Of course Goku was just as worried, probably even more so. "Would you sit with me then?" He asked, leaning against the wall across from the door. Goku nodded and settled beside him, both sitting in silence.

After the pain subsided some, Sanzo flopped over onto his uninjured side and stared blankly at the wall as he fought off exhaustion. He had to keep himself from drifting off. He was too afraid of what might happen if he did.

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The afternoon crept slowly by, Gojyo wandering with the sole purpose to run away from it all and find some sign of life to take advantage of, convinced that the town's small population had yet to learn that their demon problem had been resolved. He very nearly sighed in relief when he saw a small bar that appeared to be open for business.

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A fter idle chatter had failed against the booming silence, Hakkai and Goku had not tried to break it again for quite some time until Goku couldn't help himself anymore. "What if...what if Sanzo doesn't get better? Or Gojyo, for that matter?" He asked quietly, looking up at Hakkai.

The healer shook his head. "I'm not sure, Goku. I think this is the kind of thing you never really heal from."

"But what's wrong? Is it because of the sutra?"

Hakkai looked at Goku for a moment, debating whether of not he should enlighten his young companion, and finding it hard to resist falling for his golden-eyed imploring stare of doom. "Did I ever tell you why I have to wear these, Goku?" He asked, touching the limiters on his ear.

Goku cocked his head to the side. "Well...because you're demon, right?"

Deciding Goku had the right to know, Hakkai continued. "Yes, and no. I wasn't always a demon, as you know."

Goku nodded.

"Once, I was in love, Goku."

Goku frowned. "What does this have to do with..." he trailed off.

"My love was kidnapped and taken away from me," Hakkai continued, keeping his voice measured, "and I knew that I would do absolutely anything to get her back, and I did. With my bare hands I killed every demon in that awful place just to find her."

"I remember having to go get you with Sanzo after you did that," Goku said quietly.

Hakkai nodded. "Thanks to Sanzo I'm still alive. We all owe him so much."

Goku gave a half smile. "He likes us, I know he does. He'd just rather die than admit it."

"But Goku, you would do anything to save someone you loved, wouldn't you?"

"Of course I would," Goku said.

"Well, when that demon attacked Gojyo and Sanzo, that's what Gojyo did."

Goku opened his mouth to speak but closed it a moment later when the full implications of what Hakkai had said hit him.

"We all care for each other, Goku. It's just harder for some of us to admit than others."

"But...why did Sanzo freak out like this? He's never acted this way before."

"Well, for the same reason you already said, I believe. He'd die before admitting that he can love."

"...Okay," Goku frowned, "but why was he so upset last night? He looked like he was having a panic attack."

Hakkai pondered for a moment. "Unless I'm very much mistaken, he was, well, afraid. He cast the sutra in his sleep and could very well have killed Gojyo without even knowing."

Goku stared at him. "You're right...but what about Gojyo? From what I heard when they were yelling at each other Gojyo didn't really care, but Sanzo was...distraught."

Hakkai frowned. He should have known that with his hearing Goku would have picked up on the argument last night. "What did Gojyo say?"

"Sanzo said something about how it wasn't safe...and Gojyo said 'fuck safe'."

"Sanzo..." Hakkai sighed.

"And then Sanzo said he couldn't live with himself if he killed Gojyo in his sleep and said something about how he doesn't know what he's capable of anymore."

"Oh dear..." Hakkai sighed again. "I think I need to talk to Sanzo first, Goku."

"Um...okay,"

"I need you to be grown up about this though, all right? Their relationship is no light subject to make fun of them about."

"I wouldn't do that!" Goku said indignantly before pausing to think for a moment. "Or at least not to Sanzo."

"Well, not even to Gojyo. It's just as much about him as it is about Sanzo."

"Okay, okay, I promise."

Hakkai sighed and said more to himself than anyone, "Apparently Gojyo would do anything to protect Sanzo, just like I did for Kanan..."

"Huh?"

Hakkai started, remembering Goku was there. "He loves him." He said simply.

Goku gawked. "You really think it's that serious? I mean, are we even talking about the same people? I always thought they hated each other...don't they?"

Hakkai shook his head, his own face mirroring a little of the shock on Goku's.

"Man..." Goku said quietly. "How did it even happen?"

Hakkai chuckled and shrugged. "Who knows...but, as I said, this is quite a serious matter and Sanzo needs you; he's discovering a side of himself he didn't know he had and I know it's frightening."

"I thought Sanzo wasn't afraid of anything, I mean, he's Sanzo,"

"We all have things we're afraid of."

"I suppose..." Goku looked at the closed door sadly. "I guess him, you know, being with Gojyo would explain his batty behavior lately...and what happened yesterday. I guess I'll just go back to my room while you talk," he said reluctantly

"Try and get a little sleep."

"I guess. Night 'Kai,"

When Goku's door clicked shut Hakkai sighed and went down stairs to get a spare key to Sanzo's room from the innkeepers before going into his own room to get a bowl of water, towels, and his supplies. He knew Sanzo hadn't taken care of whatever wounds he had.

Having not moved in the past long hours, Hakkai opened the door to find Sanzo curled on the floor among the wreckage from the night before, staring blankly at the wall. The healer shut the door quietly and set the water and other supplies on the floor next to the monk, dousing one of the towels in the water and wringing it out.

Sanzo flicked his gaze briefly onto Hakkai before looking away at the wall again. "I'm fine. Go away."

"Show me, Sanzo,"

The blonde continued to ignore him and studied the wall.

Hakkai sighed. "Please, it is not helping anyone for you to just lie there sulking."

"I'm not sulking," Sanzo said tonelessly as he lifted his arm from around his middle but didn't bother to move the soiled towel still pressed against his wounds.

Rolling his eyes, Hakkai moved the towel and felt his jaw clench as he got a good look at the jagged claw marks. They looked far worse than what Gojyo had received yesterday. It was a wonder Sanzo had been able to get back to the inn and stay conscious. Then again, he mused, Sanzo gave new meaning to the word 'stubborn'. Shaking his head, Hakkai gently began cleaning the lacerations. "If you aren’t sulking than what are you doing?"

"Brooding. There's a difference."

"Will you let him go?" Hakkai asked, setting the wet cloth aside and examining the severity of the wounds. Nothing vital was hit. Barely.

"This is for the best," The blonde said hollowly.

"Because you're afraid you'll hurt him?" Hakkai asked as he began strenuously knitting flesh back together with his chi. Sanzo would most likely have some nice scars to remember this from. Wonderful.

Sanzo shut his eyes and answered quietly, "Yes."

"This, what you're doing right now, is hurting the both of you even more," Hakkai pressed, carefully continuing to close the wounds the best he could.

Sanzo opened deadened eyes slowly. "But now he's safe."

"There are fates worse than death," Hakkai said quietly, continuing to mend the monk's injuries, rueful that he could only help the physical pains.

"Like being left behind."

Sanzo knew how that felt. Hakkai knew.

"What about being the one forgotten?" Hakkai asked as he gently examined his work, testing the tender, pink flesh and remaining cuts. "I know just as well as you do the pain of living on, and what I might have done differently."

"I don't want more innocent blood on my hands. Not his."

"All I know is when I met Gojyo, and even up until three days ago, he cared almost only for himself and drowned himself in pleasure whenever he had the opportunity," Hakkai said as he rubbed salve onto the sensitive new skin and began wrapping bandages over the wounds. "It would have taken a small miracle to turn him around, but it happened. I might even go as far as saying it was a small miracle."

Sanzo didn't know how he was even supposed to respond.

"I've never seen him like this before, nor you."

"He was hurt because of me," Sanzo said in a low voice, "I was supposed to take that blow. I can't just stand by and watch him die for me. I can't handle that kind of loss again...I'm already too attached."

Gods but he hated having to admit it.

Hakkai dampened one of the other towels and started cleaning the mud and grime from Sanzo's skin and gave a small smile. "Gojyo's stronger than you give him credit for. If you love him then tell him so."

"I lost control because of him, Hakkai."

"You lost control because of the fear of losing him."

"Which endangers everyone,"

"Please, Sanzo, that's just the same as not carrying a gun because you might shoot yourself with it," Hakkai said as he set aside the towel and stood to find the monk a set of clean clothes, "but by having a gun you can protect yourself from many things. All you have to do is find the strength to not use it to end your own pain."

"That's much easier said than done."

"I have faith in you."

"I don't. My own body's turned against me. How am I supposed to fix that?"

"Our bodies really aren’t ours anyways. We're merely borrowing them." Hakkai said mildly as he set the clean clothes next to Sanzo.

"Whatever. Don't fool me into thinking you weren't frightened by my behavior yesterday."

"Well...it was a surprise to all of us. But sometimes the things that scare us are the most worthwhile in the end." Hakkai said quietly. "I know your past is one most could not handle, but do you really think you can overcome it on your own?"

"How am I supposed to function if I'm crippled so easily? I'm no good to anyone if I fall apart at the seams." Sanzo said bitterly. "And you of all people shouldn't lecture me about overcoming my past. You're just as fucked up as I am."

Hakkai stood, face devoid of his fake smile. "Then all I can say is goodnight. But unless you want him to cheat on that bet the two of you made, I'd hurry and find him." Hakkai said as he closed the door silently and decided to go back to bed.

Sanzo rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling, Hakkai's words dancing in his head. "Fuck..." he muttered, and felt tears forming in his eyes, the emptiness of it all eating him up inside.

Debating wildly with himself, Sanzo's heart won and he swiped angrily at the tears and pushed himself upright, wincing. "Fuck this," he mumbled as he got clumsily to his feet and put on the clean clothes Hakkai had set beside him. Ignoring the screaming ache of his body and the wooziness blood loss had produced, he walked out into the night to find the person who had rendered him so pathetic.

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H e'd been sitting there for hours and he still couldn't do it. Gojyo sighed once again as he stared into the mug of beer in front of him, debating just as he had when he'd been given the drink God knew how long ago. He was so fucking pathetic. Three short days with the monk and he couldn't even recognize himself anymore.

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Wa lking slowly down the dark main road, Sanzo wondered over and over where the idiot kappa might have gone. If Hakkai's assumption was correct, and Sanzo thought it was, his best chance would be to check the bars. Yet...he didn't know if he could do it. How could he face Gojyo? The red head had seemed to have made up his mind...but no, he wasn't going to think about that. His only concern at the moment was locating the bastard.

He passed a small gaggle of drunk men, a number of which sent leers his way. Yes, just what he needed right now, something to piss him off even more.

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Gojyo 's eyes trailed to the far corner of the room where a few harlots sat talking amongst themselves and casting lingering looks at him. He turned away and searched for his lighter, pulling out his lucky cigarette in the process, having gotten rid of all of his after he'd lost the bet. Lucky. Yeah right. Gojyo lit up the smoke and took a hit with a sigh, mumbling to himself, "You knew you couldn't make it that long anyways,"

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S anzo paused as he heard footsteps from behind; one of the men was following him. Perfect. Really not trusting himself to not kill someone at the moment, the monk walked a little faster and gratefully ducked inside of the open bar just ahead.

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The girls had found their way over to Gojyo and flocked around him, flirting and sweet talking him. He wasn't in the mood. He didn't think he'd be in the mood for quite some time. Maybe...maybe if he gave it a little more time, got a few drinks in him, he'd be more interested in what they were so unsubtly offering.

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S anzo slowed his pace again once inside, and wound his way carefully between the other patrons only to stop cold a second later as he spotted a head of very familiar red hair. One that was surrounded by women, holding a cigarette, and had a beer sitting in front of him.

Gojyo wasn't talking to them, or even smiling at them, but of course Sanzo wouldn't notice a detail like that. It was Sanzo. He'd known the blonde was there the moment he'd walked through the door. How could he not have? He looked up slowly and met his violet gaze, a little fearful but holding an air of justification about himself.

Sanzo stared at claret eyes, failing to hide the flare of pain the entire situation he had walked in on brought, knowing that he was just that easily forgotten after everything that lying kappa had said to him. Promised him.

He turned and walked right back outside, numb and far too distracted to notice the drunken dumbass that had hung around outside the door.

Gojyo's chest had tightened at the emotion he'd seen flash in Sanzo's eyes and he pushed his way through some of the girls to go after him. "Sanzo, wait!"

"We should have know," one of the girls muttered, "he even looks like a fag."

Gojyo whipped around angrily. "Sanzo's more of a thrill than you bitches could ever hope for!"

The girls blinked at him in shock and were speechless as Gojyo disappeared outside. He skidded to a stop in the road and looked all around. Where had he gone? "Sanzo?"

Sanzo stalked down the road, just away, not paying any attention to where he was going, and a funny ringing in his ears blocking out all thought. He stopped and leaned against an alley wall, wrapping his arms around his middle and the wound that was decidedly determined to annoy him again as it started throbbing anew. He didn't even notice the presence behind him until the appearance of a hand gripping his arm.

The monk found himself suddenly turned and pushed back against the wall, the hand on his arm tightening painfully as the drunkard leaned in close to his face, the smell of stale whiskey burning Sanzo's nostrils.

Gojyo stopped his aimless running, increasingly agitated and worried, and looked up at the sky. "If you're up there, give me a chance! Help me find him!" he yelled up at the heavens. A clap of thunder broke across he sky and rain began to fall heavily onto Gojyo's upturned face as he looked at the sky helplessly.

"Get your hands off of me NOW," Sanzo snarled, unaware of the cause to the reason he was suddenly wet and shivering. The drunkard, much bigger than the blonde, grabbed his wrists brutally and held them together high over the monk's head and leaned against him, pinning him against the wall.

Gojyo sharply jerked his head to the right. That was Sanzo's voice. "Sanzo!"

It wasn't fair, it really wasn't. Sanzo really didn't need this right now. He turned his head to the side as his assaulter's moved closer, and braced himself against the wall, kicking the man hard in the stomach, only managing to irritate the drunk who threw the blonde down angrily. Sanzo grunted in pain as his wounds were jarred and swiped his leg at the man's feet to knock him over, sending him into the mud with a yell.

The man stumbled to his feet and threw a meaty fist down at the sprawled monk, causing white stars to dance behind Sanzo's eyes. The blonde kicked out blindly, knowing his aim had been true when he felt his foot connect with solid flesh.

Gojyo rounded a corner in time to see the stranger fall backwards, slipping in the mud and not getting back up, but was far more concerned with the smaller figure a few feet away, and ran towards him to see if he was all right.

In his haste, Gojyo slipped in the mud and fell, crashing into Sanzo's back as the monk was trying to get to his feet and knocking him back to the ground. Sanzo cried out in pain as he landed on his bad side and his vision threatened to black out as he felt his wounds tear open.

"Dammit!" Gojyo picked himself up and knelt in the mud next to the monk. "Sanzo, oh God, Sanzo!"

The blonde curled in on himself as fresh blood bloomed on his shirt and he gasped in pain. "Fucking--"

"Insult me later," Gojyo said as he pulled the smaller man into his arms and stood, moving carefully so as not to slip again as he hurried back in the direction of the inn.

"Let go of me!" Sanzo yelled, pushing against Gojyo with any strength he could muster.

Gojyo ignored Sanzo's protests and pushed horridly inside of the inn and up the stairs to Sanzo's room, yelling a summons to Hakkai as he passed by his door. He set the monk on the bed and pulled his shirt off of him, despite the steady stream of insults being sent his direction as Sanzo struggled violently against him, trying to kick him off. "I'm fine! Get off me!"

Hakkai ran into the room moments later, looking as if he had just rolled out of bed. He should have expected something like this. Pushing Gojyo aside, agitated, Hakkai pulled off Sanzo's soaked bandages to get a look at the damage.

"I said get off," Sanzo snapped as he tried to sit up and shove away Hakkai, who continued to go about his job calmly as he focused his healing chi on the worst of the tears.

"Lie down, Sanzo, you'll only make it worse."

"It's not a big deal," the monk snapped.

"Forgive me," Hakkai said, his tone hard, "but shut up and stay still."

Sanzo blinked at him, affronted, but fell back against the pillows, cursing under his breath.

Gojyo fidgeted from his vantage point behind Hakkai as he watched him wrapping new bandages around Sanzo's middle. He couldn't help but feel that this was all his fault. It probably was.

Hakkai finished and stood, pushing Gojyo out into the hall with him before closing the door on the blonde who had rolled onto his good side to stare at the wall.

"Wha--Hakkai! What the hell was that for?!"

Hakkai gave him a stern look. "He went out to find you, and I'm willing to bet money you were doing something you shouldn't have been when he did."

"...Well--"

"Sanzo's confused, Gojyo, and I shouldn't have to tell you so. He's frightened, of himself and you."

"Why me?!" Gojyo asked, indignant.

"Because you've opened a part of him that he never knew he had."

"Yeah, well he hates me now, so I don't even see why you're making such a big deal," he mumbled.

Hakkai frowned. "If you really believe that, you don't deserve him."

Gojyo sighed and let his head droop forward, saying quietly, "I miss him..."

Hakkai laid a hand on Gojyo's shoulder. "He wouldn't have gone after you if he hated you. You know that."

"I hate that I can never argue with you..." Gojyo muttered.

Hakkai gave him a small smile and went quietly back to his own room. Gojyo stared at the closed door of Sanzo's room for the second time that day and slid down the wall opposite to sit on the floor.

Inside, Sanzo was still curled on his side, staring at the wall in silence. He was almost positive Hakkai had wanted him to hear their conversation. Otherwise, they would have gone somewhere else. Jackass. He felt ill again. Pushing himself upright, he leaned against the wall, trying not to think. All he knew was that there was no chance in hell he'd let himself fall asleep tonight. He didn't think he'd ever sleep again.

Gojyo rubbed his forehead wearily. In spite of Hakkai's words, he knew Sanzo must be angry as hell and still held strong to his words from last night. He stood and grudgingly went to Goku's room, where he knew there was another bed and he wouldn't get shot or talked to death.

He closed the door behind him and collapsed face-first on the empty bed, accidentally rousing Goku in the next bed who sat up sleepily. "Gojyo? What...?"

"Mmfh," Gojyo grunted into the pillow.

"Did something happen?"

Gojyo sighed. "Go back to sleep, Goku."

"Stop treating me like I'm stupid."

"You're not stupid. Leave me alone."

Goku opened his mouth to say something, but the words died on his tongue as he considered his companion for a long moment. "I think you're being a little selfish,"

"I seem to be famous for that."

"Stop trying to joke your way out of everything and be serious for once."

"Fine, what? What do you want, Goku?"

Goku looked thoughtfully at the wall for a second, choosing his words carefully. "You do realize he doesn't understand anything that's happened the past few days, don't you? It terrifies him, and I don't think he knows how to handle it."

"Oh, God, you too!?" Gojyo asked in muffled irritation. "You don't know what you're talking about," he said as he rolled over to face the wall.

"Do you?"

"You've been hanging around Hakkai too much."

"Maybe, but now you're just changing the subject."

Gojyo closed his eyes, a small smirk playing across his lips as he opened them again, eyes softer and a little more willing to think about what Goku had to say. "There's not a whole lot I can do if he isn't even talking to me."

"How did you approach him? You should know by now that it isn't hard to scare him away by saying the wrong thing."

"Look, he's already told me he wants nothing to do with me because he's scared of himself," Gojyo said shortly, unsure as to why he was even discussing this with the monkey.

Goku raised an eyebrow. "Is that really what he said or what you thought you heard?"

"That's what he said," Gojyo answered, resolute.

Goku frowned. "Somehow I don't think that's true. That doesn't sound like Sanzo at all."

"If I go into that room right now I can guarantee I'll be kicked right back out. And if he wants an apology he won't get it until I get one from him."

"You don't know what he's thinking, none of us do. Can you really assume that you know what he'll do?" Goku asked, still frowning. "And I'm not sure I understand why he needs to apologize."

"You wouldn't," Gojyo said as he got up. "I don't need a lecture from a monkey." Especially not one that makes my heart ache, he thought bitterly.

Goku sighed. "Fine. Just don't go do something stupid. We have enough problems right now as it is," he said as he laid back down.

Gojyo scowled as he left the room. He really wanted to kick the stupid runt's head in for talking down to him like that. Gojyo paused as he walked past Sanzo's door again and stared for a long moment. Taking a deep breath, he decided to test his theory and opened the door quietly, stepping inside and closing it behind him.

Still crouching against the wall on his bed, Sanzo didn't look up and was playing distractedly with his lighter. Gojyo walked slowly over to the bedside and stared down at the monks bowed golden head.

Sanzo flicked the lighter open and asked quietly, "What?" and flicked it closed.

"Nothing, I guess..." Gojyo faltered, a little surprised he didn't get a 'get the hell out'.

Sanzo flicked the lighter open. "Then why did you bother me?" Flicked it closed.

"Why did you come after me?" Gojyo asked without pretense.

Sanzo remained silent and flicked the lighter open. Closed. "I felt like it."

"That's bullshit. I don't understand you at all."

Sanzo ceased in playing with his lighter. "You think it's bullshit?" he asked, a dull pain in his chest. "Then I have nothing more to say to you."

"No, it's not bullshit you came after me, it's--" Gojyo floundered. Open mouth, insert foot. "You said you couldn't do this anymore. What was I supposed to think?"

Sanzo sat in silence for a long moment, the lighter slipping form his slackened grip. "I didn't say that..."

A cold feeling settled in the pit of Gojyo's stomach. "...What did you say then?" Everyone had been telling him he'd heard Sanzo wrong...but he could never forget those words.

Sanzo's voice was hollow. "I summoned the sutra in my sleep, Gojyo. I didn't know it was even happening and you very well could have been killed." He pulled his knees up to his chest, hiding behind his hair as he continued. "I said...that I don't know how it can work if I'm...a threat like that. You're too important to me...and I'm clearly unstable."

Gojyo wanted to shoot himself. He really did.

"You were the root of the reason I lost control to begin with," Sanzo finished quietly.

Gojyo swallowed hard, and felt a tear roll down his cheek. He'd messed up. Bad. How was he supposed to even respond to something like that? "...I'm sorry," He said, in almost a whisper.

Sanzo hugged his knees and rested his head against them. "I couldn't live with myself if I--" his voice cracked. "I'm not worth that."

"To me you are," Gojyo said gently as he sat on the end of the bed, "to all of us. Goku and Hakkai berated the shit out of me because they're so worried about you."

Sanzo shook his head and said quietly, "People die because of me, whether I'm the one who killed them or not. I can't let that happen to you."

"I'm not going to let you stay unhappy because you're scared. I'm not going anywhere."

"I've been unhappy for years. What difference does it make now?"

"Because you've tasted how nice it is. I've--I've tasted how nice it is. I mean, don't you think it's selfish to keep you all to yourself?" Gojyo asked with a small smile.

"I thought I was selfish," Sanzo said indifferently, "You and everyone else have always said so."

Gojyo gingerly crawled next to him and gently hugged him from behind, careful to avoid his wounds. The blonde tried to pull away as expected, even though the both of them knew he really didn't want to. "I'm not letting you go," Gojyo whispered.

"You're trying to drive me crazy, aren’t you?" Sanzo asked ruefully as he leaned into Gojyo's embrace anyways.

"Just doing what you do to me every time I see you," Gojyo murmured, kissing the back of his neck.

Sanzo snorted at the lame joke. "You're an idiot."

"Does that mean you'll stop pretending to ignore me?"

"Only if you stop being an ass."

"Fine," Gojyo said with a small grin, "that shouldn't be too hard."

Sanzo raised an eyebrow. "If you say so."

The pair sat in silence for a long while, Gojyo tracing his fingers over Sanzo's chest pensively as the monk allowed his eyes to slide half-shut and leaned more of his weight back against Gojyo. The kappa rested his lips against Sanzo's bare shoulder. "You're not hurt too bad are you?" He asked quietly.

Sanzo pressed his hand against his bandages. "No, not really. It just got reopened. Hurt like a bitch though...what about you?"

"Another day and it'll be like nothing ever happened," he replied, patting his chest. "I took the bandages off today even, and they're nothing but scratches now."

"Mmm," Sanzo murmured, tilting his head back to rest beneath Gojyo's. Smirking, Gojyo moved one of the hands still gliding across the monk's chest and traced a finger around one of Sanzo's nipples, teasing it erect playfully. The blonde made a small gasp, a light blush crossing his face as he pressed back against Gojyo more firmly.

"Sanzo, you're hurt. Forget about it."

"You started it you damn tease," Sanzo snapped, irritated.

"Well, I can't help that, now can I?" Gojyo asked as he sat up a little and kissed the monk's cheek. Sanzo tilted his head back further and reached a hand behind Gojyo's to pull him down, their lips meeting. A moan rumbled in the back of Gojyo's throat. He could never refuse Sanzo a kiss.

Smiling a little to himself, Sanzo shifted in Gojyo's arms and turned more towards him, putting his arms around the red head's neck. Gojyo pushed Sanzo's lips open with his tongue, pushing it into the smaller man's mouth to meet Sanzo's own. Gojyo always wanted this, always, and if he didn't stop soon..."Mmh, stop this, I'm serious,"

Sanzo pulled closer and rubbed his tongue against Gojyo's teasingly, winding a hand into the kappa's loose hair. Gojyo whimpered. "Who's the tease now?" He pulled away from the blonde a little, but not enough to make any real difference. Reluctantly, Sanzo pulled away from the kiss and pressed his face against Gojyo's shoulder, his arms still draped around his neck. "Sanzo, you're driving me mad as it is. I don't want your wounds to reopen again."

Sanzo whined a little, his voice slightly muffled against Gojyo's neck. "There isn't any way...?"

"Are you...asking me?" Gojyo asked with a smile as he looked down at the blonde head hiding it's face. All Sanzo had been doing lately was push him away.

"What does it sound like?" Sanzo said in muffled exasperation.

Gojyo's breath hitched in his chest, along with something south of that. Sanzo was surely going to drive him to insanity if he kept this up. "You've got to heal first," the kappa forced himself to say.

Sanzo pressed closer. "The wound isn't that bad...but with everything--" he broke off for a moment. "I think I need this."

"Oh, God," Gojyo moaned and pushed Sanzo back to lie on the bed, being careful of is lower abdomen even as he thrust his tongue into his mouth, kissing him earnestly. Only fazed by the sudden motion for a second, Sanzo responded to the kiss with just as much passion, the fingers in Gojyo's hair tightening. "If you keep saying things like that you might get what you ask for," Gojyo said when they broke off for air.

Sanzo laughed a little and ran his thumb over the kappa's cheekbone. "That's the point,"

Gojyo swallowed and had to steady himself. His body was screaming at him to fuck that beautiful creature's brains out. He took a deep breath. He knew he needed to be gentle.

Sanzo started combing his fingers through Gojyo's hair and kissed him softly, almost reading his mind. "It's okay, Gojyo."

Gojyo's lips trembled under the pressure of Sanzo's, and he tried wildly to understand what he was feeling at that moment, what that emotion was. His eyes glistened with questions, as he settled on the knowledge that he didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve love. Least of all he didn't deserve Sanzo's love.

Feeling the tremor, Sanzo pulled back a little, concerned. "...Gojyo?"

"Why, why me?" the red head asked, shifting so that his hair hid his eyes.

The blonde's brow knit in confusion. "What are you talking about...?" He asked softly. "You...you make me feel things I didn't know existed...that I didn't want to know existed..." he turned his head away. "Shouldn't I be asking that question? I'm the royal pain in the ass."

Gojyo gave a small laugh as tears emerged from the darkness under his bangs. "Maybe...but I'm just a playboy, a flirtatious kappa bastard...and yet I can't see myself alive right now without you," he said as he leaned down and held Sanzo close to his chest, against the heart he had started to believe no longer existed.

Sanzo clung tightly. "I'm...I'm not even sure I was alive before this..." he said softly. "I invested all my time in pushing everything away,"

His heart beating so hard he was certain it would burst free from his chest, Gojyo tightly clutched the back of Sanzo's head in their embrace. "I'll never stop loving you, Genjo Sanzo." And he realized, as Sanzo pushed his face into the crook of Gojyo's neck, finding himself unable to speak in return, that he could give everything he had to the monk, even if he never received anything in return.

Face pressed tight to Gojyo's skin, Sanzo had to stifle what sounded suspiciously like a sob and trembled in Gojyo's arms, his heart feeling as if it wanted to burst. He wasn't even convinced that was such a bad thing.

They stayed that way, each struggling to get a hold on themselves. The entire situation was absurd. Far too real to be true.

After what felt like hours, Gojyo let go and smiled down at Sanzo, his eyes full of the kind of trust he hadn't bestowed on anyone since he was a child. He did nothing to distract the blonde as he reached down and undid his pants. He wanted to see him. Feel him.

Sanzo hadn't really wanted to end the embrace, but he lay complacently beneath Gojyo as he set about undressing him, his breath hitching at the presence of his hand opening his fly.

"Do you trust me?" Gojyo asked softly.

"Yes," Sanzo said breathlessly.

His eyes half closed, Gojyo smiled softly down at him and eased Sanzo's clothing away along with his own. Sanzo flushed as the cool air hit his heated flesh and he looked up at smooth tan skin and glittering red eyes. "I love you," Sanzo whispered.

Happiness beyond measure pulled the corners of Gojyo's lips into the kind of smile he had never smiled before as he couldn't speak, couldn't move, couldn't breathe, for a second that felt like forever.

Sanzo found himself smiling in a way that left him feeling vulnerable in response to the look in Gojyo's eyes and on his face, and reached to pull him down, wanting to be closer. Needing to be closer.

Their lips met, and Gojyo murmured, "You undo me, completely."

Sanzo made a noise that might have been a laugh. "You've caught me," he murmured back.

Gojyo pressed his hips down on Sanzo, hunching over him to make sure he didn't put much pressure on his bandaged lower abdomen, and kissed down his chin, stopping to suck on his neck. Sanzo moaned low in his throat and pressed back, tilting his head back against the bed to give the kappa better access. Gojyo ran his hands lovingly down the monk's sides and sucked fervently on his neck, pausing to bring one of his hands up to wet his fingers before moving it back down and lower.

Sanzo hardly even flinched as Gojyo pushed in a finger, too distracted by what the kappa's ingenious mouth was doing to his neck. Gojyo moved his attentions to Sanzo's collarbone as he added a second finger, Sanzo whimpering in response as the fingers began to gently stroke his inner walls.

After a few long minutes, Gojyo pulled away and nuzzled the blonde as he gently urged him to roll over onto his knees and chest. Sanzo raised his hips to press back against Gojyo kneeling behind him. "Just...be careful?" he said quietly.

"I will," Gojyo murmured as he entered him slowly, their bodies fitting together like pieces of a puzzle. Sanzo muffled his cry into the sheets and jerked back against Gojyo. He wanted him deeper. "Careful..." Gojyo said, putting his hands on the blonde's hips to steady his abrupt movements.

Sanzo groaned, panting and his fingers tightly clenched the sheets as Gojyo started moving, their knees bending together with each thrust in and out. The monk ground back against Gojyo to the best of his ability, burying his face into the mattress and his legs shaking. Gojyo's breath was coming in spurts and he was having a harder and harder time with each move at keeping the pace slow and gentle. His life seemed utterly meaningless up to that point, and with each gasp Gojyo knew he wanted to be a new person, a better person. The kind of person that Sanzo deserved.

Sanzo was whimpering with each thrust, tears slipping past closed eyelids. How could he have avoided people for so long? The comfort of human contact? How had he survived for twenty-three years without shooting himself and ending his solitude? He didn't think he could ever go back to living that way again, no matter what he told himself. Without Gojyo.

Gojyo caressed a hand down Sanzo's arm and held his hand tightly. "Stay with me," he said, moaning as he thrust in again, "forever."

The blonde moaned loudly in response and squeezed his hand tightly, bucking back against him. "Yes," he said breathlessly.

"Ah--" Gojyo clenched his teeth as he tampered with their rhythm. Sanzo whined helplessly and arched his back sharply, gasping at the change of angle it brought. "Sanzo--" Gojyo said, squeezing his hand again, "gently, remember,"

The kappa trailed his other hand down Sanzo's chest and wrapped his fingers around him, the blonde whimpering as he pressed into the hand and clutched the sheets. "Gojyo--" Gojyo had attempted to answer, but his words became jumbled as he moaned, thrusting faster as he began to pump Sanzo. The monk bit back a yell. He was getting so close. "Ahh--"

Gojyo leaned over him, kissing his back sloppily, panting against flushed pale skin. Sanzo pressed back against Gojyo hard, twisting the sheets in his hands. He wanted to cry. Gojyo let his tongue fall from his mouth, tracing lines over twitching muscles as he picked up the pace a little more. Sanzo pushed the knuckles of one of his hands into his mouth and bit hard as he felt his orgasm rip through him, spasming in Gojyo's grip. Another shameless moan erupted from the kappa as Sanzo's release triggered his own and stars burst behind his eyes.

Sanzo panted for air as he slumped in Gojyo's grip, moaning softly in the afterglow as his heart rate began to slow back down and he opened eyes he hadn't realized he'd closed. Gojyo's eyes had stayed open the whole time. He hadn't wanted to miss a thing.

The red head helped Sanzo ease down to lie on the bed so he wouldn't hurt himself, his breath still fast and heart still racing. Sanzo rolled onto his good side and pulled Gojyo close, resting his head over the Kappa's heart and wrapping shaky arms around his waist. Gojyo ran his fingers through damp blonde hair over and over as his breathing slowed down. Sanzo mumbled something incoherent as he tried to stay awake and tangled their legs together.

Gojyo made a small moan as he exhaled deeply. "Sanzo..."

Said monk nuzzled against Gojyo's bare chest and pulled a little closer, his fingers tracing obscure patterns on the kappa's back. Quickly fading off, Gojyo sighed. "Tonight your dreams will be wonderful ones." He looked down at the blond head and smirked as he kissed it softly. "That is, if I haven't completely worn you out."

Sanzo mumbled something sleepily before pulling his head up to gaze at Gojyo. "If it happens again, I'm sleeping by myself," he grumbled tiredly before pressing his face against Gojyo's skin again.

"It won't happen again. I'll keep you awake every night from now until we die of old age if you're afraid it'll happen again."

"Doesn't mean we can stop it from happening," the monk mumbled against Gojyo's chest, "I have to sleep sometime." He sighed against warm flesh. "Or maybe I'll lock the damn sutra in a box..."

"Shh, don't think about it," Gojyo murmured as he began drifting off, "don't think about anything but me. Forever."

"Mmmn," Sanzo sighed as he succumbed to the pull of unconsciousness.

"I love you," Gojyo breathed in a faint whisper.

"Too..." Sanzo murmured against cooling skin as both fell into dreams far from the horrors of those the night before.


TBC

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