Saiyuki Fan Fiction ❯ Until It Sleeps ❯ Until It Sleeps ( Chapter 1 )

Until It Sleeps

By GuiltyRed

Where do I take this pain of mine

I run, but it stays right by my side

So tear me open, pour me out

There's things inside that scream and shout

And the pain still hates me

So hold me, until it sleeps

Just like the curse, just like the stray

You feed it once, and now it stays

So tear me open, but beware

There's things inside without a care

And the dirt still stains me

So wash me, until I'm clean

It grips you, so hold me

It stains you, so hold me

It hates you, so hold me

It holds you, so hold me

Until it sleeps

So tell me why you've chosen me

Don't want your grip, don't want your greed

I'll tear me open, make you gone

No more can you hurt anyone

And the fear still shakes me

So hold me, until it sleeps

It grips you, so hold me

It stains you, so hold me

It hates you, so hold me

It holds you, so hold me

I don't want it

So tear me open, but beware

The things inside without a care

And the dirt still stains me

So wash me, `till I'm clean

I'll tear me open, make you gone

No longer will you hurt anyone

And the fear still shapes me

So hold me, until it sleeps…

Until it sleeps…

(Metallica - "Until It Sleeps")

Though he doesn't smoke, he sits there holding a lit cigarette and letting it burn down to his knuckles. His hand is shaking. He lifts his head and fixes those green eyes upon me, pleading.

"I don't know what to do, Sanzo. I want to be with him, so very much, but I know what will happen."

I take a drag on my cigarette and let the smoke out slowly. This isn't the first time we've done this, sat together and talked about heartache and fear over cigarettes and booze. This is, however, the first time he lit up, watching the ember consume its prey as his own fear consumed his soul.

"Wrong," I state with as little feeling as possible. I can't afford to cloud this any further than it already is. He's in a fragile state this time. "You know nothing. You perceive much, but is it real?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do you want him?"

"Yes."

"Does he want you?"

Hakkai pauses here, and I frown. I had counted on a quick affirmative, but this throws me off stride. His answer is more unsettling than his silence.

"Gojyo wants IT. He wants to take my limiter off."

Smoking is the best way I've found to keep my breathing slow and even, and I take good advantage of it now. I consider his statement with monk-like calm, trying not to smile inwardly at my own presumptiveness. I know I'm a poor excuse of a textbook monk, but life is a poor excuse of a textbook.

"And if you say no?" I ask, stalling for time.

Hakkai heaves a sigh and stubs out the remains of his untasted cigarette. His fingers are singed, but he pays them no mind. "He'll still try, Sanzo. Sooner or later, he'll do it. And I don't think I'll be able to stop him, or myself." He gives me a look that is pure misery. "I'm afraid I'll kill him, Sanzo. Or worse."

I don't ask what he means by worse than killing. I have a pretty good idea. "So why does he push it? He's perverse, but not stupid."

Hakkai looks away, toward the little pile of white scales cooing softly to itself on his cot. "He thinks nothing bad will happen, that I'll reach some inner rightness and be okay. But Sanzo," he adds, turning back to face me with dread in his eyes, "we all know that's not true. There is no inner rightness within me, there is only…"

"Kanan," I say with no tone at all.

He flinches, as I expected him to do. "Sanzo, that's not--"

"I don't do nice. You should know that."

He takes a long drink of whiskey and looks away from me, falling into himself again. Damn, I hate when he does that. Have to go in after him, and it's usually messy.

"Hakkai."

No answer.

I don't have patience for this tonight. With measured slowness I take out my gun and aim it at his head. I haven't cocked it yet, but my thumb is ready to. "Hakkai. Don't do this."

Slowly he turns to face me, eyes noticing the gun but not reacting to it. His voice is dangerously calm as he tells me, "I'm fine, Sanzo."

I lower my hand to the table, gun still aimed. "Like hell you are. You're at the edge and looking over. Fall over and I'll have to do something we'll both regret."

Hakkai sighs and hangs his head. His voice is more nearly normal: "No, it's okay. I'm not going anywhere. Can I have another cigarette?" He holds out a shaky hand.

The frown stitches itself firmly across my lips; this is really weird of him. Still, he did ask nicely, so I slide the pack across the table, setting the gun down as I do so. He tugs one out and rolls it between long fingers, contemplating it as though it were prayer beads. He doesn't bother to light it. I give him a few moments of silence, using the time to collect my own thoughts.

Time's up. "So what's the problem?"

"I don't... Sanzo, I can't trust myself with him. I destroy the things I love."

"You didn't kill her."

"I failed to save her. Same thing. And I'm failing to save Gojyo from his own stupid arrogance." Silver tears fall like rain. "And I'm cold," he adds in a whisper. "Cold from the inside." He looks up at me from under wet lashes, the next statement carried on the barest of breaths. "It's always there, just below the surface, and it's waiting for the chance to feed. Again. It screams inside me, clawing its way out if I let down my guard for even a moment. It…hates. And it always wakes up around Gojyo, and it wants him."

I don't like this conversation. I never do, once it veers into this personal "Twilight Zone" he carries around in his heart like a twisted memento. This discussion will end in one of three ways, and I don't care for any of them. "Hakkai, listen. You're not a monster. As long as your limiter stays on and intact, you won't lose yourself. Why don't you just go next door and tell him flat out that you stay with him only so long as his hands stay away from your limiter? He has to respect some boundaries, right?"

Hakkai draws a ragged breath, and I know that we're down to two possibilities now. "Sanzo, I can't. The way I feel right now, I'm barely in control even with the limiter. I can feel it, tonight. It's there, just beyond my sight. I can feel it. It's awake."

Well, at least I know which way this talk will end. I push my chair back and step around the table to face him directly. I reach down, grip his chin firmly and raise his face toward my gaze. "You are not a monster. And you're not losing control." What I don't say is, if I need to prove it to you again, I will.

Tears slide down his stricken face in silence. Moments pass, me staring into those green eyes and him staring through me in sheer misery. I sigh harshly. I cannot afford to lose him, not now, not like this. Our journey is nowhere near done, and the four of us are bound to see it through together. I cannot let him fall before the weight of his past. And I cannot allow him and Gojyo to harm one another.

Slowly so as not to startle, I lean down and brush my lips against his. I whisper against his mouth, "You are no monster, Cho Hakkai."

Hakkai lets out a sound that is somewhere between a wail and a moan. "Gods, Sanzo, hold me!" His hands clench on my shoulders, digging in painfully.

I know what visions are driving him this night, same as every other rain-filled hour we've had to endure so far. I grip him under the arms and haul him to his feet. He staggers against me, weeping in helpless dread. I am no mind-reader, but I know where his thoughts are and why he weeps.

I know his pain.

Sudden phantoms from my own heart rise up and threaten to pull me under. I force them down and focus on the wounded soul in front of me. I will not fight on two fronts; my own will have to wait.

Slipping his arm about my shoulders, I turn and walk him toward my bed. He complies without a sound. I sit him down and look at him. The tears are still flowing as if there can never be an end to them. My own heart clenches for a moment; I choke back the whimper in my throat.

Our eyes meet.

I strip off my robes and stand before him wearing only my leathers. He doesn't move. I reach down and unfasten his shirt for him. His hands lift and take over, removing the protective layers until his body is as naked as his eyes.

I slip out of the tight black garments, shivering a little at the chill of air on my bare skin. I don't think I'll ever get used to that sensation; it's such a personal thing.

Not bothering to extinguish the light I join Hakkai beneath the covers. He is trembling all over. This night is a bad one, as far as they go. Usually he's calm by now. I try not to think about how much he might demand of me before morning. It doesn't really matter to me anyway. He's only trying to touch my life, my strength, my warmth, using the only means we can think of. It's not love, what we share on these long nights.

Pain, grief, heart-shattering wrongness, yes. Not love. Our souls have witnessed horrors that most men never have to see. We lie together to remind our souls that they have this bond, this knowing, and that they are not alone.

Hakkai is curled up against me, his head tucked against my chest. He is still crying: silent, polite, desolate.

Gently I lift my hand to stroke his thick hair, tangle in it, tug his head up so he has to look at me. I lower my mouth to his and shut my eyes.

Faces whirl about in my head as we kiss, as Hakkai's breath hisses into my mouth.

Komyo…master…you are gone, you left me alone. I would have done anything for you, even the forbidden things…

Hakkai, do you see her face when we kiss? Do you see her when Gojyo kisses you? Does he kiss you like I do, or is it different where there is love?

I feel my face grow hot as Hakkai slips his arms around me, holding me against him, keeping my lips right where they are for many heartbeats.

Fleetingly I see Gojyo's face, and I know I am blushing fiercely. The man holds no appeal for me, and yet…he looks at me sometimes the way a tiger regards the deer. If he could, what would he do with me? To me? For me? The thought is at once repulsive and weirdly compelling, and I feel myself grow hard. Better at thoughts of the kappa than…

No. I will not think of him.

Hakkai lowers a hand and touches me intimately. I gasp, the sound more reflex than commentary. He is not the first, but nearly enough so. That's another sensation I doubt I'll ever be really comfortable with. His fingers grip me with precision. I wonder if he touches Gojyo like this, if the hot-spirited halfbreed leans into it the way I do, if he trembles just a little.

Again a face from memory drifts up, smiling as gentle fingers stroke me, filling me with an earthy sort of bliss unreachable through meditation. I moan into Hakkai's mouth.

He pulls me on top of him, guides me. I am slick with my own juices, and I enter him easily. Sweat gathers under my hair, trickles down my neck. I am no longer a man of spirit, but one of muscle and sinew and heat. My body knows what to do, and my mind rides it like a dragon must ride the wind: wild, unstoppable, exhilirated.

Hakkai wraps his legs around my hips, and my mind soars to new heights. In his silence I imagine soft moans, my name falling from tender lips, an occasional growl at some unexpected sensation. My right hand is tangled in his hair, but it seems less silky, less straight to my touch. I imagine it is shaggy and brown, kissed by the sun, warm and fragrant. I feel my excitement lurch into overdrive.

I take him with my mouth, claiming him, tasting him, sucking at his lips and tongue in rhythm with my thrusting. In my mind I am not riding a slender green-eyed man to the fields of paradise, but a solid-built golden-eyed youth with wild hair and untamable passion. In my heart I ache for him, but will not risk his safety for my own desires. Until the task is done, I cannot have him except in my dreams, and I'll be damned if I'll wake before I have to.

Beneath me, I feel Hakkai surge to new heights, and the name he calls is not mine. Hakkai is as deep in fantasy as I am, which suits me just fine. I don't belong to him, nor he to me. His nails rake my back as he comes, whispering Gojyo's name over and over. I shut my eyes tight and concentrate on my own finish.

I do not call Hakkai's name, either.

Spent now, I pull away and lie beside him. He is panting roughly, but no longer trembling with cold. I watch him regain control, a thing he does with neatness and speed when he's with me; I wonder if it's the same with Gojyo. Somehow I doubt it.

He turns to regard me for a moment, and his eyes tell me that he understands everything. The ghost of a smile brushes across his lips and is gone. So polite, he kisses my forehead and whispers, "Thank you, my friend."

I nod in reply.

Hakkai rises from my bed and gathers up his clothes, then proceeds across the room to his own bed. He sets his clothes out for morning, picks up Hakuyru (pillow and all) and sets him down on the floor, then moves to turn out the light. He pauses, looking over at me.

"Sanzo, I --"

I raise my hand for silence. "I know. Remember, Hakkai, you were a man first, and you are a man still. This fear that shapes you is within your control. Sleep on that."

The room goes gently dark.

And what of the fear that shapes me?

Do I control it?

Or does the boy with gold eyes?

Goku's image follows me into dreams…