Saiyuki Reload Fan Fiction ❯ You Were Meant To Be Mine ❯ Drunken Revelations ( Chapter 14 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Around the campfire that night, Layla tries to cope with the knowledge of having revealed her "real self" to Sanzo and the others. Sanzo coaxes Layla into drinking enough sake to make her loosen up and start talking. The true story of her time with the bandits comes out.

Anime/Manga: Saiyuki Reload Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Psychological / Hentai / Adventure | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 09.17.2006 | Pages: 7 | Words: 6.8K | Visits: 209 | Status: Completed

CHAPTER FOURTEEN Drunken Revelations

When Layla opened her eyes again, she lay in darkness. Her cheek rested against soft, smooth cotton. A blanket covered her. She sensed a limit to the darkness above her. Turning her head slightly, she saw the flickering flames of a campfire through a gap in the doorway. One by one her impressions fitted themselves together. Campfire. Tent. Voices outside. She wasn't in the box the bandits kept her in. She moved her arms, feeling nothing but empty space around her. That was wrong too. The slavers made sure she stayed bound hand and foot with a noose around her neck that led to a stake hammered into the dirt. Where was she? Someone should be here, lying beside her. Memories of morning came back to her, and with them the afternoon.

Then it all came flooding back.

"Sanzo!" Layla kicked free of the blanket and scrambled up onto her knees, fighting through the tent flaps to stagger upright. "Sanzo!"

"I'm here, Layla." Sanzo moved into the circle of light thrown by the fire.

"Sanzo...." Layla ran to him and wrapped her arms around him, holding on tight enough to squeeze out a sharp curse.

"Hey!" Sanzo gripped her wrists, prying her arms away from his waist and holding her at arm's length. "The youkai didn't break any ribs, but you might!"

"Sanzo." It was all she could say. He was alive. Not eaten. Not dead.

Hakkai bent over the cookpot, stirring its contents. Goku stood beside him, holding a bowl of greens. Gojyo sat nearby, smoking and taking sips from a can of beer. All three were looking at her. Gojyo threw his cigarette into the fire and stood.

"Hey, honey. How are you feeling?"

Layla looked up into those crimson eyes. Not youkai. Half-youkai, but not the bad kind. She shook her head, trying to get past the lingering fear and the instinct to fight.

"Not too good, huh?" Gojyo asked. "Come sit here, out of the wind."

Sanzo let go of Layla's wrists. She reached out and caught his right hand between hers, clinging to it.

"Go on." With his free hand Sanzo pushed at her. "Go sit with Gojyo."

Layla shook her head, clutching his sleeve in a white-knuckled grip. Sanzo didn't want her. She knew that. She could understand why. But she still couldn't let go. Younger, smaller hands covered hers.

"Layla." Goku gently tugged at her wrists. "It's OK. I'll watch Sanzo now. You took your turn, now it's mine."

Layla looked at him, into those big golden eyes. Goku nodded, smiling.

"It's OK now. I'm not mad at you anymore. I saw what you did for Sanzo today, the way you kept those youkai from hurting him." He grinned. "I didn't know a girl could fight like that! Every time they knocked you down, you just got up again! You were trying to get more bullets out of Sanzo's sleeve, weren't you?"

Layla nodded, then turned her head away to hide her face against Sanzo's shoulder. She didn't want to think about it, about those moments when she'd let the monster inside her have total control.

"I know how you feel," Goku said. "So many times, it's been so close. I can't stand it. I feel like I have to be right next to Sanzo, right beside him every second." Goku tugged at her hands again. "Do what Sanzo said. Go sit with Gojyo. He'll take care of you and I'll take care of Sanzo."

Layla looked up at Sanzo. Those amethyst eyes were so cold. Sanzo was leaning away from her. He didn't want her touching him. He didn't want her, period.

"Goku's right," Sanzo said. "Now go sit with Gojyo."

Slowly, reluctantly, Layla allowed Goku to pull her hands away from Sanzo. Gojyo was right there waiting for her, wrapping her in his arms and pressing a kiss to her hair. He led her back to his spot by the fire and sat down, getting her settled on his lap. Layla leaned against him, but her eyes followed Sanzo's every movement. Sanzo stared back at her, his mouth set into a frown.

"Goku," Sanzo said. "Bring me the sake."

"Sure thing, Sanzo." Goku ducked into the tent and came back carrying a sealed flask of sake and two cups. "Here you go."

"Hakkai." Sanzo held up the flask. "What do you think? Hot or cold?"

Hakkai turned away from the cookpot to come and crouch down before Layla. With gentle fingers he held her wrist just at the pulse point. Then he touched her chin, trying to make her raise her head. Layla turned her face away, letting the curtain of her long hair swing down to hide her face.

"Layla," Sanzo said. "Let Hakkai look at you. I just want to make sure you weren't hurt more seriously than we realize."

Layla turned back toward Hakkai. Hakkai stared into her eyes, then held up one finger.

"Watch this. Don't look at me."

He moved his finger back and forth, up, down, and around in a circle. Layla tracked its movement. Hakkai sat back, nodding to himself.

"Nothing more than shock, along with further emotional and physical strain on top of her original trauma." He pursed his lips. "Hot, I think."

Hakkai fetched another pot, filled it with water from the water bucket, then hung it from another hook on the tripod set up over the fire. After a few minutes, Hakkai wrapped a cloth around the pot's wooden handle and brought over to Sanzo, who set the sake flask in the hot water. Soon it was ready to be poured. Sanzo himself did the honors, filling one of the tiny sake cups and offering it to Layla.

"Here," he said. "This will help."

Layla stared into the clear depths of the sake, breathing in the fragrant steam that rose into the night air. She didn't want any. All she wanted was to hold on to Sanzo.

"Layla." A stern note entered Sanzo's voice. "If you're strong enough to kill three youkai all by yourself, then you're strong enough to snap out of this daze and get on with life."

"Hey!" Gojyo's arms tightened around Layla. "Get off her case, monk!"

"Stop it!" The words burst out of her. She broke free of Gojyo's grip and drove herself up onto her feet, stumbling away from them until she stood at the very edge of the ring of firelight. "How can you fight over me like this? How can you even want me, now that you know what I am?" Her voice had risen to a shriek.

Sanzo stared at her, watching her. Gojyo stood up and started toward her. Hakkai stepped into his path, halting him with one hand against his chest.

"We've known all along, Layla," Hakkai said. "It's obvious, to people like us."

"You knew?" Her face twisted with grief. "Then how could you? How could you treat me like I'm just some pretty girl who needed to be rescued?"

"Hakkai," Sanzo said. "What are you doing?"

"Just be quiet, Sanzo. I know a great deal more about madness than you ever will." Hakkai took one careful step toward her. "Look at us, Layla. Don't you think we understand? None of us has a home to go back to. None of us has family who would welcome us even if we could go back."

Layla shook her head. "You couldn't possibly understand. You most of all, Hakkai. You're so kind, so gentle...."

Hakkai's harsh bark of laughter made them all jump. He took off his monocle, turning it over and over in his fingers. "You think so? I'm on this journey because I'm doing my penance, Layla. With my own two hands and a sword I murdered a thousand youkai. Men, women, children, babies. I gutted them like fish. I laughed while they

bled to death."

Layla's eyes opened wide. She clapped one hand to her mouth, then jerked it away. "Why?"

"Because they took from me the only woman I have ever loved. Took her and gave her up to a monster who raped her and filled her belly with his filthy seed."

"Hakkai--" Gojyo started forward, one hand outstretched.

Hakkai stopped him with a glare. "Let me finish!" He turned back to Layla. "And then, just when I'd found her, just when I thought I could breathe again, she took my sword from my hand and drove it into her belly, killing the demon seed and herself with it." Hakkai put his monocle back on. "So you see, I do understand how you feel. No family, no home, and now a crime you can't live with staining your hands and your heart."

Only the wind and the crackling of the fire filled the silence. At last Layla found words she could bear to say.

"Does it ever get any easier?"

"Sometimes. Other times it gets worse. All you can do is live through the day. Just that one day. Don't even think about the next one."

Layla nodded. "Thank you, Hakkai." She came to him and leaned up to kiss his cheek, then moved past him to stand close to the fire. She held out her hands to it.

"Dinner is ready." Hakkai began scooping the stew out of the cookpot into a short stack of wooden bowls, handing a bowl to Sanzo, Goku, and Gojyo in turn. He filled another, then held it out to Layla. "Come and eat. You'll feel better."

Layla shook her head. "I doubt I will ever feel 'better' again."

"Eat," Sanzo snapped. "You've proven yourself capable of killing your share of youkai. We may need that skill again before it's time for you to leave us."

Layla looked up at the sky. "Good thing there's a Goddess of Mercy. Fate is certainly turning out to be a cruel bitch."

Gojyo choked, coughed, then burst out laughing. Hakkai set his bowl aside and put one hand to the back of his head as he chuckled quietly. Even Goku snickered. Layla looked around.

"I didn't think it was that funny."

"It would be," Sanzo said, "if you knew the Goddess of Mercy like we do." He stalked over to pick up her bowl of stew and thrust it at her. "Now eat."

Layla stared into those impossibly purple eyes, seeing something burning there that might have been only anger, might have been something else. She took the bowl and fished out the wooden spoon buried in the stew. Sanzo stood there watching her, matching her bite for bite. When both bowls were empty, he took up the sake flask and poured the little cup full again. Hakkai had both Goku and Gojyo helping him clean up after the meal, so the three of them were busy on the far side of the fire. Sanzo brought the sake to Layla, standing close enough to make her feel the heat of his body warming her against the night's chill.

"Here. Drink."

"No thank you." The sake made her think about the last time Sanzo had offered it to her, just after he'd been forced to use the sutra to bring her out of the madness.

"It will help you relax."

"I said no."

"Layla." Sanzo's golden brows slanted together in a scowl. "Don't you dare refuse to drink with me a third time."

Layla stared at him, caught between the sickness inside her and the fear of making him really angry. Sanzo leaned toward her and spoke, his voice soft, his breath warm against her ear.

"Drink the sake. It will keep you warm, even if I can't."

Layla looked up at him. The fire gave his golden hair a ruddy gleam. The mark on his cheek was nothing. With his face wiped clean of dirt and blood, Sanzo was once again beautiful. She held out her hand to take the cup. Her fingers shook too badly to grip it. Sanzo wrapped his long fingers around hers and brought the cup to her lips. She sipped, then sipped again, grateful for the warmth of the sake and the sting of it. They chased off the cold that seemed to come not from the night itself but from deep inside her.

When the chores were done, Hakkai, Gojyo, and Goku came back to sit around the fire. Layla drifted back to the place where she'd been sitting earlier. She settled down cross-legged, staring into the flames. Sanzo filled her cup again and handed it to her. Layla drank. Sanzo took the empty cup from her hand and filled it again.

"Sanzo," Hakkai said. "Is that a good idea?"

"You have your ways, I have mine. Just wait."

Layla drank the third cup of sake. She braced her elbows on her knees and rested her chin on her hands. Sanzo watched her, pouring sake for himself, drinking from the same cup. Layla sat up straight and let out a long, loud sigh, shaking her head, making her long hair ripple around her, its red highlights mirroring the fire's red sparks.

"It's easy, isn't it? Once you make up your mind to do it."

"What do you mean?" Goku asked.

"Killing. You just find the right place, then--" She made a stabbing motion.

"Yes," said Sanzo. "Living with it is the hard part."

Layla nodded. When she finally spoke, her voice was very quiet. "Is there any cure for the nightmares?"

Sanzo filled the cup again and held it out to her. Layla looked at it, shrugged, then drank. Hakkai, Gojyo, and Goku watched. After a few minutes Layla's eyes closed. Her head began to nod. Just when Gojyo was about to reach forward and catch her before she toppled into the fire, her head snapped back and her eyes opened.

"They were stupid." Her voice had an edge to it. She knew it was the rage talking, the voice of the monster inside her. "So stupid. How could they think I wouldn't want to avenge my own family?"

"Bandits are stupid," Sanzo said. "Stupid brutes who aren't capable of any work that requires actual intelligence."

Layla nodded. Her eyes squeezed shut. Her fists clenched. Gentle fingers touched her wrist, pressing the rough stoneware surface of the sake cup against her fingertips. Layla took the cup from Sanzo and drank, then held it out.

"More."

Sanzo filled it. Layla drank, then wiped her mouth on the back of her hand. She shook her head, glaring at the fire.

"He said he wouldn't hurt me. How stupid did he think I was? He said if I was nice to him, he'd be nice to me." Layla's mouth twisted. "I was nice to him. I waited until I could shove his dagger straight into his miserable heart." She turned her head to spit on the dirt. "It was a cleaner death than he deserved."

"How many did you kill," Sanzo asked, "before they stopped you?"

"Not enough."

"I know that feeling. All too well." He handed her another full cup. "Tell me what happened."

"It was the blood." Layla drank, then held out her hands. "The blood. Blood all over Mama. All over Teryn and Davi and Pitr...." She looked up, a crooked smile on her lips. "Even is even. Blood for blood. I had his dagger. They were all drunk by then. Drunk and slow and stupid." The smile vanished. "But it didn't bring them back! Not Mama, not Daddy, none of them!"

Layla shot straight up onto her feet, hands buried in the hair at her temples. She threw her head back and screamed at the stars. Strong arms closed around her. Gojyo stood behind her, holding her, his long red hair brushing against her cheek. He rocked her, cuddling her against his chest.

"Gojyo--" Sanzo said.

"Shut up. You got what you wanted. Now we know what really happened." Gojyo turned Layla toward the smaller tent. "Come on, honey. Time for you to go to bed."

Sanzo stormed over to plant himself between them and the tent. "If you think I'm going to stand by and let you take advantage of her in this condition--"

"The condition you put her in? Fuck off, Sanzo! I don't use people. I never have. Which is the biggest difference between you and me."

"Layla?" Sanzo asked. "What do you want?"

Layla held on to Gojyo. Sanzo asked what she wanted, but he really meant who she wanted. Sanzo didn't want her anymore, but he didn't want Gojyo to have her either. Layla looked up at the worry that almost hid the longing in Gojyo's eyes. Gojyo was Gojyo. He'd take care of her. She leaned on him, her arms around his waist.

"Well," Gojyo said. "I think that's a pretty clear answer. Goodnight, Sanzo-sama. Sleep well cuddling that gun of yours."

Sanzo stood back, arms crossed, his face a stony mask of disapproval.

"Go then," he said. "But if I hear anything I shouldn't hear, my gun and and I will be paying you a very sudden visit."

"Guns." Layla made a face. "Knives are better. Knives don't need bullets. Can't run out."

"And on that romantic note...." Gojyo gave Layla a gentle push toward the smaller tent.

She pulled away from him. "Hakkai?"

"Yes, Layla?" Hakkai watched her from the far side of the fire.

"You said you knew. That you'd known from the beginning. Was that true?"

"Yes. While we didn't know the details, it was plain to see you had survived the bandit attack. You also survived days in their company, before they sold you to the slavers. That meant the odds were very good you'd killed at least one of them."

"Why didn't they kill you," Sanzo asked, "the instant they discovered the first dead body?"

Layla looked into the fire. That crooked smile came back. "They were afraid of me. Of me. They knew I'd gone mad. The best they could do was wait for me to fall asleep, then they took the knife away and tied me to a tree."

She raised tormented eyes to the four of them, then held out her wrists.

"If you think you need to tie me up, go ahead. I wouldn't blame you."

"There's nothing wrong with defending yourself," Hakkai said. "Just like there's nothing wrong with wanting to punish the people who killed your family."

"But there is something wrong with killing people," Layla said. "There has to be."

The firelight glinted on Hakkai's monocle, making it look like his bad eye held leaping flames. "Not if those people deserved to die."

"Right!" said Goku. "We're talking about bandits, Layla. Scum. Thieves and murderers and worse. Killing them should count as a good deed, not a crime!"

Layla shook her head. "It's not that simple."

"No, it isn't." Sanzo moved to stand before Layla. "So you went mad. So you killed a handful of bandits. At least you didn't just lie there and let them rape you then kill you too."

"But -- "

"Listen to me! You had a problem and you tried to deal with it. That's much better than giving up and dying."

"Is my life worth more than theirs?"

Sanzo took her chin in a hard grip and turned her face to his. "Look at me, Layla. I am the Thirty-first of China, High Priest Genjo Sanzo. When you shot those youkai assassins, did you believe my life is worth more than theirs?"

"Of course!"

"Then why wouldn't the life of one innocent girl be worth more than a bunch of murdering scum?"

Layla stretched her hands out to the fire. "What you say makes sense, Sanzo-sama. And yet...." She turned her hands this way and that, letting the fire paint them with its reddish light. "See? My hands are stained with blood."

Sanzo held out his right hand to the fire. "So is mine."

Hakkai held out both of his. "So are mine."

Gojyo held out his left. "Same here."

Goku held out his. "Me too."

"Welcome to the club, Layla," Sanzo said. "We are survivors. Our survival implies the death of our enemies. We are fortunate in that our enemies are clearly evil, and intent on spreading that evil far and wide."

"How does that make us fortunate?"

"We may kill them without hesitation or regret."

Layla stared around the ring of firelight at the four of them, all still holding out their hands. She bowed.

"Thank you. Thank you for your mercy, and your strength."