Saiyuki Reload Gunlock Fan Fiction ❯ Heaven above Heaven above Heaven ❯ Subtlety is for wimps ( Chapter 7 )

Disclaimer: I don't own Saiyuki.

Warning: Some implied shonen ai. Not my first language.

 

Chapter V: Subtlety is for wimps

 

The party had been travelling for the whole day despite of almost nonexistent sleep they had got. Everyone was exhausted and no one bothered to hide it. They had searched and worried the whole night for Mei despite Shien and Zenon had said she would be okay and back before the morning. She did but the fact that Mei indeed wasn't kidnapped didn't put them ease at all when they saw her bewildered expression. They had fended Kougaiji and his comrades off and he had had enough sense to not push the matter at the moment. When Sanzo had asked for an explanation Mei's face began to mirror pure panic.

“Maybe you should sit down at first?” she had proposed and followed her own advice. Sanzo had given her an odd look.

“You didn't answer.” The simple statement nearly made Mei spit something sarcastic against his face but she had held herself back. She had decided to be subtle.

“I am trying to tell the bad news with subtlety,” she had told them and forced back the nearly hysterical laugh. She couldn't have imagined what would be more difficult to tell without shocking the hell out of anyone.

“Well, stop it,” Sanzo had said. Mei had still tried. She had started with what was relatively safe information: that Homura indeed was a renegade Toushin Taishi and up to avenge himself being separated from her past incarnation. Too bad after that all subtlety she could manage was stalling and stuttering in order to prepare them for the news. It didn't work too well. Hakkai had been wordless and silent and horrified. Gojyo had been the same. Sanzo was the same and also disbelieving.

“So you are the reincarnation of a goddess?” he had asked nonchalantly.

“Yes,” Mei had admitted miserably.

“And we are reincarnation of rebelling gods?”

“Except Goku, yes.”

“And he is planning to destroy the whole world because you two were forced apart?” That had been almost like an accusation and Mei's cheeks had burned.

“Yes.”

“And now he is about to do it anyway? Sanzo's voice had been highly disapprovingly and it had held a tone of something akin to his shutting you idiots up -tone.

“Yes.” Homura hadn't listened Mei's protest cries of “not in my name.” Still it had been worst for Goku.

“And he wants Goku because without his coronet he could destroy the world?” Mei had writhed and tried to look into Goku's eyes.

“Umm. Yes? With the help of your Sutras.” They all hated Homura at the moment because of the look on Goku's face. Even Mei.

“Loads of bullshit!” had been Sanzo's judgement but it fooled no one.

Now Sanzo was bitching about the situation within his mind. He couldn't take another failure, not now. He didn't mean Homura attempting to destroy the world. At least the nutcase believed he could and Sanzo knew there were depths in Goku that were better to leave unknown. He was not worried for the destroying the world -part because he still had Mei and he would settle with serious mental violence towards the god if necessary. He was worried for Goku. It wasn't only compassion, it was something much scarier and the lesser amount of the same for Mei, Hakkai and Gojyo didn't help the matter. He shouldn't have wanted to protect. He had known it would come to this. He was an idiot.

“You better be quiet,” he said just to be normal. Goku was so horrified and disgusted with himself he even found himself hoping Sanzo would have left him into that cave. Anyone like him deserved that, would have deserved death if he hadn't been rechargeable too. Like a car battery, he remembered his earlier carefree words and cringed. He even half-heartedly meant his musings. Hakkai had withdrew into the far region of his mind no one could follow him and the smile was plastic on his face. Gojyo would have retreated into the mindspace which allowed him to joke while killing but he feared Sanzo would kill him for one sentence now. Mei felt guilty for ever being that person who had fell in love with Homura, she still didn't fully believe she had been and to the top of all she had the nagging feeling she should have made sure Jiang got at least some sort of funeral. Her problems weren't Jiang's fault at least.

So they were all wallowing in angst and then there were the mundane problems. Because the town had been all but being evacuated when the morning finally came they hadn't had the chance to buy supplies and now they had to ration their food supplies. Goku didn't whine about it and it made the matter just worse. No one could take the usually high-spirited teen brooding. This then prevented the ill-tempered monk's attempts at meditation to attenuate his hunger, a common ritual for the monks during fasting. And everyone's temper was brewing. Then Hakkai suddenly stopped driving and stepped out of car.

“What now?” Sanzo snapped angrily but he was more surprised than mad. He had expected the empathetic Hakkai react badly but he was usually more subtle with his moods. That was like a complete nonsequitur. Hakkai smiled dashingly.

“If we keep going like this someone is bound to do or say something we will all regret. So let's take a break.” Gojyo, Goku and Mei looked at him with disbelief and gave Sanzo warily side glances. And having once in a lifetime -opportunity Sanzo decided to be sensible, count slowly to ten and agree.

“All right,” he said and left the car. Everyone dropped their jaws, even Hakkai. And it was permission to normalcy.

 

“He gotta be sick! Hakkai!”

“He can be nice and sensible too, you know.”

“Every once in a blue moon.”

“When he is not trying to shoot us.”

“Well, you two can be rather provocative.”

“It's that erokappa's fault!”

“Shut up you chibi chimp!”

“Silence or death!”

“ - -“

“- -“

“- -“

“- - calcium defiance? What do you think, Hakkai?”

 

Of course it wasn't that easy.

 

“We won't head back just yet,” Kougaiji said. Dokugakuji thought that for a while.

“Wouldn't Gyoukumen and Nii notice that we have disappeared?” he asked. Kougaiji smiled darkly.

“They have already. It's just better we don't have to answer to their questions before we know what Sanzo will say.” He sighed wearily. “Really, of all the time Homura could have showed up…” He shrugged helplessly and Yaone bit her lower lip. Mei had her full sympathy. She didn't want to imagine exactly what Homura had done to her to make her look like that. She could remember the dull ache in her heart when she had realised she loathed the thought of Hyakunga Maoh even more than her father's death.

The mousy apothecary, like she bitterly called herself in her most private thoughts, couldn't help but follow blindly her lord; after all he saved her life and more. He even treated her as someone really useful, not as a liability. The bodyguard couldn't help but follow him. He was so much like his brother. The red hair in the wind and those youkai markings were a cruel mocking of fate, he realised when he saw the scars had turned out to be permanent. The little princess couldn't help but hang on; even her mother thought she was only a useful tool. At least she had one family member who cared. But Kougaiji was bound to a mother in a stone pillar, hanging there helplessly and he couldn't seem to be able to break free from Gyoukumen Koushu. It hurt them to look him like that.

 

Homura had stood his ground stubbornly but now he was beginning to have his doubts. The old hesitation was worming its way back o his heart. It wasn't even just a doubt any more. What would she say if she knew? Not in my name, that's what she had said. Homura was angry at her. He deserved a comeback! They deserved it, they both had been wronged and there she was obeying gods like nothing ever happened.

“I'm doing it for the world, not for the gods,” she had said. And Sanzo and others are doing it because of themselves! And what's the big idea of avenging something I can't even remember?”

“Are you not even the slightest bit sorry for me?” Desperately.

“Of course! But being hurt doesn't justify hurting thousands of people who have never done anything to you!”

And even though he hated to admit it there was sense in it. He found himself considering the idea of just giving her immortality and living happily ever after. Even if it was cheesy and the gods would never allow it. But some part of him was screaming that it would be an anticlimax and it was a bigger part than he knew. He should talk to Mei. It was a good idea. His comrades followed him because he resembled those they had lost and even if he was doing his very best to give them the revenge too he wasn't sure if he wanted to live fiercely enough to keep going. He really needed to talk to Mei.

 

“What do you think, why he just complied like that? I was sure ya would have got shot the first time.” It was bugging Gojyo till no end. Hakkai shrugged.

“Truth to be told I expected it too. But as I said Sanzo can be sensible too.” Gojyo's smirk was disbelieving.

“As if!”

“Believe me,” Hakkai chuckled. And there wasn't much more to be said because Gojyo tended to believe Hakkai. And believe in Hakkai.

“I have been thinking about this insane field trip,” he said when the silence grew uncomfortably. “Why you took part in the first place? If you say because gods told you I'll kick your ass. And if you say it was to atone I'll kick your ass all the same.” Hakkai gave him a small embarrassed smile.

“Maybe it would be better to remain silent them,” he proposed. Gojyo shook his head.

“Tryin' to play strong and silent type?” He gave Hakkai the same slightly flirtatious smile he gave to Sanzo sometimes. When he gave it to Sanzo it was to make things bit more exiting even at the risk to his bodily health. Now he didn't even notice he was doing it. Hakkai smiled him back.

“If you insist, I wanted something to do people would remember me kindly for. And then there is the fact that the fate of entire human race weights heavily upon our shoulders.” Gojyo made face.

“Yeah, whatever.” It was probably euphemism for atoning but Gojyo was willing to let it slide. Being the nice person he was and all.

“What about you?” Hakkai's voice was politely concerned.

“What?” Gojyo had lost the train of his thoughts and Hakkai's question took him by surprise.

“Why you joined to our wayward group? Surely you had your reasons too.” Hakkai gave the uncomfortable aura of looking more into Gojyo than at Gojyo and he felt his cheeks burning.

“Someone needed to take care of you. And the monkey.” The last sentence appeared to be merely an afterthought.

There was that really confusing dream he had seen some days before Sanzo's very straightforward letter had arrived. He had seen the dream first time then and only twice afterwards. He had been a different person and gone by a different name. He didn't remember the name but there was a picture of his appearance in his mind like there was a picture of his true looks; like it had been a self-evident fact. He couldn't remember Hakkai's name either but he had looked a bit like Gonou except his hair were longer and he had that odd liking of labcoats. There had been that nasty Li Touten guy and when Goku had lost it he couldn't help but follow his companion. Because even if he had been drunk the first time Hakkai - whoever he had been - hadn't. Because they were companions in a biblical sense and all the things the man could do with his tongue. He stood at that man's back and fell all the way with him, because confessions of love were for nicer people than he was. And at the time being Gojyo became aware of the blush creeping at his face. Which caused him to blush some more.

“Is that so?” Hakkai asked somewhat perplexed. He would wonder Gojyo's expression later but now he turned his attention to Mei who was talking with Sanzo and Goku. Gojyo followed eagerly his lead.

“You think Sanzo is the best person to do that talk?” he asked. Hakkai touched his arm reassuringly.

“He made me go on living,” he reminded. “And there is a reason he is our leader.” Gojyo knew it. It was because a holy, enlightened, pacifist Sanzo wouldn't have lasted the first hour on their mission to the west. And that was to be taken literally. The first attack had come before they had even officially started.

 

Once upon a time there were two gods who were supposed to be friends with benefits but it's never that simple. There was a heretic god who had dared to love a pure goddess and who had been loved back. A dragon king who only had one friend in Heaven. A god who found fatherly feelings towards an innocent murderer, a killing puppet who found the strength to resist when it really mattered, an akuma princess who loved a god and two more gods who didn't give enough regard to people they cared for. So much love was crushed and twisted because contrary to popular opinion Heaven isn't all that nice place. Once upon a time there were a demon slayer and a hanyon, a halfbreed, who were both somewhat emotionally fucked up. There was a new Toushin Taishi with two followers and a human woman who was having bad identity crisis. There were a pet dragon, a bad priest, an amnesiac almost-youkai and a comatose war god. There was a sealed away demoness and the Goddess of Mercy and Love was currently a very content person. Because when it rains it pours and the beginning of the end took place then. Once upon a time there was a Heaven above Heaven above Heaven.

 

“Um, Sanzo?” Mei started.

“What?” Sanzo wanted to fix the situation. It was affecting his precious journey. That didn't mean he would have been good with handing things carefully.

“It's really your style to kick first and then kick till we get a grip of ourselves,” Mei stated dryly. Sanzo shrugged his shoulders.

“If it works.” Of course when it wouldn't work he would be forced to be nice but that would not be with Mei this time. He sighed.

“You know it isn't your fault but you want me to tell it to you like you needed some authority which is utterly pitiful. It's not your fault. Satisfied?” Mei opened her mouth and shut it again. Then she tilted her head and seemed to look through Sanzo rather than at him. It felt nasty even thought Sanzo knew she wasn't reading his aura but lost in thoughts.

“Not quite,” Mei answered slowly. She felt better now. At times she was really glad she wasn't a Buddhist because she royally sucked at the infamous nonattachment. She could say all she wanted about her only side being her own but she was lying and she knew it. She was more of a loyal type than independent and if that insecure priest had a problem with it so be it then! And even if the priest indeed was an insecure jackass she still had wanted to hear that. And she wanted some advices.

“What should I do?” she asked. “I mean, how I could stop him?” It was probably wrong to assume that Sanzo had all answers but he usually had. And even though Mei had a feeling he didn't follow his own advices too well it didn't make them bad advices.

“Tell him he can't do thing in your name if you tell him not to. No matter how noble he talks if you say no it's only to ease his pain and even causing yours. No one has the right to make other people responsible of their shortcomings when our own doings are enough to bear. You are not the bright centre of the universe. Your name justifies nothing. Period.” Mei stared Sanzo and felt bizarre laugh tickling her throat. That probably wasn't supposed to make her feeling better but it did it all the same. Her name justified nothing. It should have been obvious. So it wasn't her fault.

“Um, Sanzo?” she still said. Sanzo gave her an annoyed look. Some people didn't know when to be satisfied.

“What?” he asked.

“Déjà vu,” Mei muttered. “How am I supposed to make Homura understand that? He isn't too eager. I tried already.”

“Then why you needed me to tell you to?” People really were too much to bear at times. Sanzo gritted his teeth. “Be rude enough. It will have an effect to a lovesick idiot like Homura.” It didn't truly relieve Mei's stress. It didn't erase the feeling she didn't know anymore who she was but she had to keep ignoring it because Sanzo couldn't help her with that and she was getting better and better enduring mental burden. She probably would find herself again and if not, well, her friends were doing so well like that she should manage too.

“And what about you, Goku?” she asked. Because Goku hurt more than she and she couldn't stand her friends hurting. It wasn't all about being selfless and good person, thought that was a big part of it. She could feel the echoes of their pain and added to hers it was unbearable.

“I won't do it!” Goku assured firmly and his gaze was shifting between Sanzo's eyes, Mei's eyes and his own hands. Sanzo was beginning to feel he was exceeding his quota of understanding for the whole fucking year.

“Stop apologizing then. Being what you happen to be is not wrong.” Hugging would have been too awkward for words not to mention Gojyo would never had let him live it trough so Sanzo settled with touching Goku's forehead. It was as intimate gesture as it ever would be and Goku appreciated.

“'m not,” he sniffled and made an effort to grin.

“You are. Stop it,” Sanzo ordered and softened his words with ruffling Goku's hair. The touch lingered and Goku gave him smaller but more genuine smile. Mei pulled Goku into hug.

“I won't let him,” she promised. Goku's face lit up some more and Mei sighed inwardly. Into what I got myself again, she thought. Now she had to make sure to not break the promise.

“And what will we do now?” Hakkai's voice asked. Sanzo lifted his eyes to match the ones of the two other members of their group.

“We will continue the journey,” he said. “What else?” It was merely a statement but Goku hadn't quite fathomed out the idea of a rhetorical question so he dutifully began to consider the matter.

“Uh, go home? Wouldn't it be kinda stupid after all this time?” A vein popped on Sanzo's temple.

“That's why we won't do it! Idiot!” Goku braced himself for the strike of harisen but it never came. Gojyo grinned widely.

“Your subtlety is just getting better. Then again, maybe not.” Goku stuck his tongue out.

“Who cares? I'm not a wimp like some!” For once Gojyo ignored him.

“Or maybe you are covering for being sweet?” That time the Fan of Doom appeared.

“Ow! I'll take it all back! You have no heart! Your liver does its work!”

“About time to find out,” Sanzo muttered. Now Gojyo looked like a child in a caramel shop and Hakkai just knew he would make some remark of Sanzo priests' unique anatomy and add something dirty just for the good measure. Sometimes Gojyo had no sense at all but that was part of why Hakkai liked him. A remarkably part actually.

“I am sorry if my question was stupid. I just wanted to hear you saying it. I like to know where I stand." He matched Sanzo's bit less irritated glare.

"You stand where you all always stand: wherever you choose,” Sanzo said.

“As long as it's the same place you want us in,” Mei snickered and surprisingly Sanzo did too.

“There is that too,” he admitted.

“You always want both have the cake and spare it,” Gojyo marked.

“If you have a cake, why the hell shouldn't you eat it? That's what it's for.” Really, it was one stupid proverb. Goku eyes widened when he realised he had forgot.

“Man, I'm hungry!” he whined.

 

Later in that evening:

“Um, Sanzo?”

“I said it already so shut the hell up.”

“Uh, okay.” It might have been either one of them. Maybe it was both.