Samurai Champloo Fan Fiction ❯ Complexity ❯ here i am ( Chapter 2 )

A/N: I don't own nothing but my fanfics.

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C O M P L E X I T Y

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Here I Am

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Those women passed by you, giving you a flirty look but you just kept eating, obviously to the surprising fact that they had taken an interest in you. I mean, I even told you they were checking you out. Even Jin is catching on with my concern when you said 'to fuck with them'.

I mean, no offense, Mugen, but I have never remembered any women who actually hit on you first before you could to them. Those who actually did hit on you first were partially prostitutes.

"See if we care when you come back on your knees wanting us

I really don't get you. Not at all.

"Go to hell jerk—

"Just leave me the fuck alone!"

But the thought of you REFUSING women?

SERIOUSLY funny.

My mask of pride fell for a second as I lost all thought and started laughing out loud. Quickly, I shut my mouth and bit my upper lip.

I don't hear anything, and hope you didn't hear me. These rice paper walls are really, really thin you could probably hear me breathing really loud and nervously.

Why is such a large inn not a sound-proof wooden walls?

I don't blame anyone who never rents in this inn. It's probably an awful place to have sex.

And coming from me, even I have to agree.

"The worse place," I mumbled, "really, the worst place to make out."

Many men fulfill their desires in any way they could in this hectic era. There was no sure whether to trust a person or not. Trusting Jin was a good thing, but I'm not so sure if trusting Mugen was a good idea, although I hired him as my first bodyguard.

I'm still quite hesitant about you. . . yet pretty bold to say what I want to say to you. . . right?

Like. . . your ugly, lazy, stupid, a monkey, an asshole, a jerk, a stupid-head, a dumbass, you can't even do anything right for one day, I don't need you anyway, shut up, step off I'm taking a bath, I SO do have the figure. . .!

Yet never things things like, 'it's okay, Mugen. You aren't alone,' or 'I know your pain,' or 'it's okay.' They're really hard to say, even expressing to you.

Especially when all I want to say is, 'Here I am, Mugen.'

Never things like that. Because if I say that. . . wouldn't you do really nasty things to me? To my body? To my heart?

And if you do. . . how am I, then, suppose to leave you tomorrow?

If you do nasty things to me. . . then I'm going to be bound by you forever. You may not be the type who wants a woman forever, but I'm the type who wants a man forever.

Just one and it's enough.

I'm not the type brave enough to tell you that it's you I may POSSIBLY want. Because you might dirty me, like all other women you reap, sow, then throw.

I don't want to be a seed that will never grow into a full-grown flower because of you.

I don't want to be a person who fulfills your disgusting fantasies and uses me like a toy like all men wants.

I just want to be the person who is just your person. A person who is just yours. But then again. . .

"If you wanna do it, you gotta do it, right?" I muttered to myself sulkily, "if you have no shame to touch me in a filthy and revolting way, that is. Even just touching me in any way innocently whatsoever. . ."—growl a little, from surfacing frustration and grip onto my blanket—. . I HATE men like that. . . God, I do. . ."

What I hate about you, Mugen, is that you only care about money, gambling, food, and big-breasted women.

Sometimes, it doesn't hurt to save money on your own, know what food's not poisonous or poisonous, and ACTUALLY look at other women who aren't big-breasted.

I peek at my chest through the folds of my pink kimono and brooded.

Just because I have small breast doesn't mean that you have to avoid my gaze every time.

I really hate that about you.

Especially your self-hatred.

You're so used to hating yourself, you throw away everything else and solve your problems with blood and death. It doesn't matter who dies in your eyes, as long as you shed that many blood.

I know that no matter how un-scarred your skin is, I know you still cut yourself by slicing other people's souls. It's not that you hide pain by killing yourself. It's that you bring pain to yourself by killing those who had nothing to do to you.

Do you want to die so much?

Do you hate living in this world so much that you'd rather walk without a living soul in your body and continue murdering the lives of humans with a life?

You're not as handsome as Jin or any other guy.

You're not as nice as other people.

And you're obviously not as human as any other humans I know.

But maybe I don't hate that about you.

I don't hate that you still stay with me to help me find my Samurai.

I don't hate that you still tolerate with me even if I aggravated you or slow you down.

I don't hate that you still risk saving me no matter how much trouble I put you in getting into any danger.

Still. . . I hate that you don't see me.

I hate that you don't know I'm here, too.

I hate that you don't even care about thinking that someday, we'd be separated forever.

I hate that part about you.

"Idiot," I mutter, praying you won't hear me snivle as I relinquish to the wetness on my cheeks and my pillow. I try to mean them, but my heart is always feeling the opposite. "I really—

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—you so much, Mugen."

I stop midway before my hand reaches the sliding rice paper door, fightin' the urge to bang it open an' demand why you're actin' so fuckin' strange tonight.

I've been standin' there forever, listenin' to you blabbin' to yourself with a passive look on my face.

I let my hand freeze in mid air an' watch the rice paper door that bordered the space between you an' I.

There are bags under my eyes, wantin' to sleep an' kickin' off those bitches who wanted to fuck. If it wasn't for that shit your bought for my stomach, I'd've been barfin' my ass off all night. Then again, you just had to spend most of the fuckin' money for a stupid cause.

When you came (barged in, actually) in my room with a straight face, I thought maybe you'd kick me outta my room (inn).

But tellin' me to keep it down? I know that somethin's obviously fuckin' wit' you. An' goin' out of my room an' walkin' towards yours. . . somethin' must be fuckin' me, too.

Why the hell am I here, starin' at your door, you ugly bitch?

Should I comfort you?

'Cause you sounded kinda. . . sad?

Nah. . . that's not my thing.

Should I just come in an' demand why you're actin' strange?

No. . . then you'd ask why I'm so concerned and, that, I don't know how to answer.

Then again. . . why the fuck am I so caught up with how you're acting tonight?

I hate that I subconsciously act on my own in the dark, when you sleep. I hate that I fuckin' submit to my subconscious desires.

But I hate that you don't know what I might do to you. An' I hate that my subconscious desire only wants you.

Is that why?

I grunt in my thought.

'Che, how the fuck should I know.'

But hearin' you say you hate me, I'd kinda figure why anyone wouldn't. 'Cause I don't got the looks, right? 'Cause I ain't so nice to you, right? 'Cause I ain't what any decent girl's dream guy, right?

Even so, I hate that you look at Jin more. I hate that you fuckin' nag an' complain to me so much an' still be only nice to him. Do you like him that much?

I'd've killed him a long time ago for gettin' in my way, but your stupid promise is still alive.

You're too fuckin' positive.

Here I am in Hell, happily cuttin' off all connections to everyone, an' then you come to me with your hands an' ask me to protect you.

I go and kill as much innocent humans as my hands can get, but you still fuckin' follow me.

Shit, are you fuckin' blind, girl?

I ain't human.

Why the fuck do you follow me, lookin' so please to yourself that I'd keep my promise to you?

Are you deaf?

I cuss at you an' tell you to fuck off but you still tolerate them.

What is wrong with you?

Don't I got enough evil in my eye to cast you away?

Don't I got enough death in my hands to keep you away from me?

An' when you look at Jin, don't you see enough hatred in my blank face when you look or glare at me?

When I saw you throwin' yourself against Jin last night, I can't help but feel self-hatred.

That I've lost against him. That it wasn't me you threw yourself on.

Is my body too filthy for you?

Should I go bathe myself for two hours then. . . just so you can touch me? Do you want me to stop makin' out with women? Because that's something that might take a while unless I try hard not to look at 'em so much.

I frown an' rake my fingers through my hair with unease.

Shit.

I don't even know why I fuckin' fancy you.

"I really hate you, Mugen."

I suck in my breath an' move the hand that froze an' rub my neck.

I look up my side, as if embarrassed but uncomfortable 'cause I wanted to see your face tonight from the beginning 'cause of what happened after dinner today. It's not even a pretty face. All I see are wrinkles in your face 'cause you're probably used to crinklin' your face when you see me.
My lips unconsciously begin to pout.

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FLASHBACK
"A aaahh. . . !" Fuu smiled and stretched her arms, "nothing like a good supper!"

If not this afternoon, Fuu had indeed gained the weight she had lost from the rounds of food and grew chubby again. She pushed her chair back a bit to leave room for her mega-sized stomach and leaned back with brand new satisfaction.

Although Mugen had eaten as much as she had, he was still as slim as he is yet pregnant with food. He belched rudely and scratched his neck.

"Excuse me, I'd like to go and freshen up a bit in the hot spring," Jin slowly stood up, nodded at Fuu politely and completely ignored Mugen's existence (although he did gave him a wary look) and left his clean bowl (Happy Combo C with the side dish, this time).

"Oh yeah, that's right!" she beamed, "free hot springs, too! And we only have till the next night to enjoy our time"—got off to her feet (pried herself off the chair, actually)—wait up!"

Mugen snorted and looked at the fat girl with deadpan eyes but burrowed brows.

"Have fun feelin'im up, busu." He tried to sound casual, adding a little glint of smirk on his lips.

Fuu looked at him and frowned. When she realized what he had meant, she gave an enraged gasp and clenched her fists.

"No way!" she screamed, "that wasn't what I meant, bastard!"

"Sounds like it," Mugen snorted, conscious to fact that her cheeks were flaring red. "Che, not like I fuckin' care, bitch. Be my guest. You're way too ugly."

"That's because you never do."

He looked at her for a second, and for just that short bit, they both had given each other enough reasons.

She, too, had left a brand of a poker-faced expression in her eyes that instantly vanished as she gave a noisy 'humph!' huff and stomped away.

"Fine, whatever, never mind," she exclaimed loudly, "I'll just go change and sleep if that makes you happy. . . jerk!"

He looked away, resisting the urge to break the table in pieces with his bare hands and slice someone who passed by with his sword.

At that time, he didn't give a crap notice that three women stalked him and was ready to ravish him any way they could. . . much too preoccupied with the heated thwart within his chest.

END FLASHBACK

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I don't know whether to feel hurt or angry.

I've heard lotsa people say that to me. But I was bothered that you, of all, would say it.

'Cause, that minute ago, the feeling I felt when I was alone before I meet you starts to rise up my stomach again, causing me to feel uncomfortable an' weird.

'Guess there's no use showin' myself to your face tonight after hearin' you say that. I turn an' walk the other way, where the exit is.

I hated life within the walls of hatred.

I hated myself so much, I didn't give a shit 'bout what happened to nobody but my strength.

There's no use lettin' someone like me live.

I got so many reasons to die.

Then again. . . I only got one reason to live.

That a small part of me might wonder if you would cry for me if I'm gone. That, maybe, you'd really worry if I die.

Sometimes it's nice to think like that, 'cause it makes me stop killing my own soul.

It stops me from creatin' a black hole in my heart, instead to start to slowly pile really tiny things about life that may fill my heart someday.

When you're havin' fun walking with Jin, I can't help but think how much I fuckin' hate you, too.

That you act like Jin's your only bodyguard an' I'm just your fuckin' back-up. I hate that I still save you every time you're in trouble no matter how much I think you'd prefer Jin over me.

An' in the wilderness, where we sleep, my subconscious emotions can't help but thinkin' things I don't normally think I'm thinkin' when I wake up from the corner an' look at you with a pout while you sleep between us. You're facing Jin on the other side.

When I watch you for fuckin' forever, I wait till you turn 'round in your sleep an' fuckin' face MY direction.

To actually see a face that ain't crinkled with anger or frustration but a soft an' smooth surface where you make a small pout only renderin' your upper lip lower over your bottom lip.

Then all thoughts become real an' realization hits me as much as I hate admittin' it.

Without understandin', I wanna reach out an' touch your cheek, wonderin' why it's always so pink no matter it's cold or not.

Without knowin', I watch you smile in your sleep, or twitch when you have nightmares.

Do you smile 'cause you dream of him?

Do you flinch in your nightmares 'cause it's me?

Unconsciously. . . but maybe consciously, too. . . I think to myself while I look at you; 'here I am. See me, stupid, 'cause I'm here, too.'

I don't fuckin' get you.

But I understand only one thing; don't pick him or nobody else.

Fuu. . . pick me.

I don't got nothin' else to lose but my self-centered pride. Nothin' else to keep but your existence, even just walking beside me as my self-conscious company.

Just to help me tame myself.

Lookit, you blind woman!

I'm here, too!

Don't dream 'bout nobody else.

Let it only be me.

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Summer of 1676:
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They aren't lies.

I know 'cause the moment me an' Jin went back from buyin' the castilla, I knew you'd probably be gone by then. An' the me who wasn't being me that night would never forget.

When I stare out the ocean at that fadin' boat where, I hope, you're on, I knew this was the end of the line for the three of us.

We're goin' our separate ways again, ain't we?

Che.

It's 'kay.

We've separated twice in the past but we ended up reunitin' again.

An' they say 'third time's a fuckin' charm'.

So maybe. . . we'd wind up bein' together again.

We can ditch that loser Jin, so fuck 'im.

This time, it'll only be just you an' me.



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END(please look forward to its sequel/sidefic, Could Have Been Anybody, coming soon...) please review!