Samurai Champloo Fan Fiction ❯ Sweet Nothings ❯ Porcelain Dolls ( Chapter 5 )

[A/N]

 

Thank you for all of your reviews. They really keep me going. I'm surprised some of you even started tearing up already…it's not even the sad part yet! Lol. But it's satisfying to know how much my work affects people.

 

[Disclaimer]: Not mine. Don't rub it in.

 

 

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Sweet Nothings

By Youkai Yume

 

Chapter 5: Porcelain Dolls

 

 

 

She had followed him into the room one night when she saw him sneaking into it. He could hear her footsteps behind him, yet said nothing when she tiptoed beside him. Finally turning dark eyes towards her, Fuu froze and blushed a deep scarlet when she realized she had been caught…or that she had caught him.

 

For many nights now he had gone into that room of colored paper and origami when he thought she was deep in slumber. The samurai knew she would notice that he wasn't in his bed sooner or later and wasn't about to hide it like some child that had broken his mother's favorite vase. And she decided that she wasn't going to cower and run back to bed. It was her house after all.

 

“Y-You're up,” Fuu managed to stutter at last.

 

“So are you,” he answered in a hushed tone, as if there were others in the house that still lay asleep.

 

“Only because you are.”

 

“Hn,” he answered his typical answer, his eyes bore through her like fire through ice. But she didn't falter, her hands coming up to clasp her yukata tightly around her shivering form. She wasn't going back to bed, he presumed, and inwardly sighed. It was now or never.

 

Turning around, Jin approached Fuu slowly before his hand grasped her wrist. She jumped slightly at the contact of his warm fingers to her cool skin. “I want to show you something,” he said gently to her, tugging at her hand almost like an impatient child. She peered at him curiously, hazel depths questioning and probing.

 

There were was only the sound of their footfalls resounding throughout the hallways as he lead her down a line of familiar shoji doors. Pit. Pat. Pit. Pat. Until they stood in front of a particular one that he knew she never had any intention of going into again.

 

Her brows knitted together and her lips thinned in discomfort, as if knowing that what lay beyond the threshold was something she wasn't ready for.

 

“I've already been here before Jin,” she said sarcastically, trying to pull her wrist away from him so that she might go back to the safety of her blankets, her warm shelter of denial. But he held fast to her slender arm, not letting her escape, squeezing it comfortingly to reassure her that it was going to be all right.

 

“But it isn't as you remember it,” he told her cryptically. “Trust me,” he says.

 

“I do,” she replies.

 

“Then open the door.”

 

He hears her swallow and she lifted her hand, fingers trembling as they touched the wooden frame of the door. Hazel eyes would flicker over to his dark ones in hesitation, and all Jin could do was whisper her name in encouragement. It isn't Pandora's box. There is no evil on the other side. There is only the hope that is left behind.

 

She opens it; the moonlight streaming in from the open porch door lights her face, touches her skin. A soft gasp escapes her lips and she stands frozen in wonder and confusion. Behind the girl, a samurai graces her small back with callused hands, guiding her inside. Just one more step, touch them for they are real.

 

“Jin,” he heard her whisper, and she turned around to face him, hazel eyes almost glowing with the moonlight that reflected in them. “How many are there now?” Her voice was shaking, afraid to know the answer.

 

“Seven hundred and ten.”

 

And then she was close to tears yet didn't let them fall, only turned away from his withering gaze as if she were angry or scared. Her feet led her deeper into the room, and she let small hands brush past the new cranes that hung from the ceiling, feeling as though for the first time the room had gotten smaller because it had gotten more crowded.

 

Some of them weren't perfect; showing signs of Jin's frustrations and struggles to make his first paper cranes. Others, like the ones towards the bottom of the chain were perfect—not a single crease out of place. She smiled then, imagining the samurai diligently working in silence to make them.

 

And then, he saw her frown and he knew she was not pleased.

 

“Why did you make them?” She asked, her back still turned to him.

 

He stayed quiet, not sure what to say for honestly he didn't know why he made them himself. He could tell her it was because Satoru asked him to help, but that didn't seem a sufficient enough answer. That wasn't his only reason. He could say that he still wanted her to believe, but that didn't seem right either because he didn't really believe in paper cranes either. In the end, there really was only one answer.

 

“I made them for you.”

 

She laughed. “You're going to make me a thousand paper cranes? It doesn't work that way, Jin.”

 

“No, you're going to finish making them,” his voice was stern, his demeanor serious. Her laughter died way and she stared at him with an expression he didn't understand.

 

“They're just folded pieces of paper.”

 

“It's not about the cranes, Fuu,” he wanted her to understand, wanted her to see how blind she had become. He hadn't realized how desperate his voice sounded, even if it was only a little drop that slipped from the crack in his mask. “I just…need to see it again.”

 

“See what?” Fuu was facing him now, imploring him to go on.

 

The thoughts seemed to choke in his mind, struggling to form words that made sense and logic he could comprehend. “That little glimmer,” he started before he could stop his mouth, “…in your eyes…” the one that sparks when you're happy. “It's there…” fading…the flicker that tells me you're alive. “I want…” He didn't know why these thoughts or words kept coming out, or why all of a sudden such things meant so much.

 

And he could feel it…a deep yearning.

 

“What do you want?” She asked, peering at him.

 

“To see you believe again…” in faith, in hope, in fairy tales and sunflowers… “I don't want you to live as if you're dying.”

 

“But I am dying,” Fuu said firmly.

 

“But you're alive. You're alive right now.” And that's all that mattered. He wanted her to live as if it were her last day, and who knows, any one of these days could be her last. He wanted her to just live.

 

She looked at him with an expression that seemed sad, yet at the same time infinitely grateful. Fuu smiled as if she had just found something extremely wonderful and a sigh emanated from her throat.

 

“You realize you don't make any real sense, right?”

 

And strong, silent, always-sensible Jin nodded in defeat, which caused her to laugh and shake her head. Fuu sat down among the disarray of scraps and colored paper, picking up one by her side and began to fold. Jin watched, not sure what just happened but sat down as well.

 

“All right, Jin,” she said in a voice that suggested surrender. “I'll fold the stupid paper cranes. But not because I believe that they'll cure me,” she added quickly, her finger pointed at him to make an emphasis. “I'm doing it for you. So that maybe one day you might see that glimmer, whatever that means.”

 

He smiled at her, feeling as if something lifted from him and he couldn't seem to care if it was past midnight and they were sitting in a dimly lit room folding paper cranes.

 

“Of course,” he muttered to her.

 

“I can't guarantee that I'll finish making one thousand,” Fuu warned.

 

“That's all right, I'm not leaving you until I make sure that you do.”

 

She froze then, her fingers grasping the nearly completed crane and stared at him with wide eyes. Then she smiled sadly, looking down at the little piece of paper in her hands and said nothing. Without any words, Jin knew that she wanted some time alone.

 

Silently, he got up and headed for the door, whispering good night before sliding the door shut behind him. But not before he heard her own little whisper follow in his wake. It nearly made his heart skip a beat.

 

“If that's the case, then I'll never finish…”

 

 

+++

 

 

People who passed by looked curious, or perhaps even nervous. Some even walked hurriedly away, as if afraid that if they looked at him straight in the eye, he'd draw out his sword and chop off their heads. Honestly, Jin didn't think he looked that intimidating. For the first time in a long while, Jin felt like a bodyguard waiting patiently outside for some important lord to come out of a meeting.

 

Well, technically he was, minus the fact that the person he was waiting for was no lord. Yet there was no one more worthy of his protection except for her, and she was just an ordinary girl. Right about now, Fuu was inside the apothecary that he was leaning on, supposedly talking to a man that she called her doctor.

 

After counting up all of the saved money that the two of them had worked to earn for quite some time, they both managed to scrape up just enough to get Fuu one order of better medicine. He had been thinking for a while, and decided he'd ask the old shopkeeper about a full-time job at the restaurant. That way, he could be around Fuu constantly as well, just in case anything happened to her. Besides, since the shopkeeper favored him a bit now, so he wouldn't mind the added help and more importantly, wouldn't mind paying extra.

 

Today Fuu decided to take her lunch break hour to go pick up her new medicine and Jin decided to come with her instead of eating. She did however, request that she take along some pork buns for a snack, courtesy of Kenta.

 

At first, Jin insisted that he go inside to see the doctor with her, intending to find out all that he could on Fuu's condition. She then called him nosy and that the doctor would feel uncomfortable with the samurai badgering him and made Jin stay outside. He hadn't moved from his spot since, wearing an impassive mask that held hints of a scowl.

 

Moments later, he heard her come outside and turned to face a rather scrutinizing Fuu, looking intensely at a jar of something powdery in her hands.

 

“Is that it?”

 

“Yeah…” she answered half-heartedly. “I thought we'd be able to get a lot more than this.”

 

“How are you going to drink it?”

 

“Mix it with water and swallow.” Fuu made a face when she thought about such an experience.

 

“It can't be that bad, you haven't even tried it yet,” Jin said, taking the bottle from her hands and examining the green powder inside the jar.

 

“You weren't in there when he mixed it,” she groaned miserably. “Oh god, the smell…”

 

Jin chuckled, giving her a bit of a sympathetic look. He remembered that she complained to him once about how it wasn't enough that she was sick, she had to endure the icky taste of her medicine that no amount of food could wash down the taste of for days. The poor thing… he thought with morbid amusement.

 

“Either way, you're going to take that,” Jin warned, growing serious. “We worked too hard.”

 

“Yes, mother,” Fuu rolled her eyes, snatching back the bottle. “I'll take some tonight. And it had better work, or else I'm going to demand a refund!”

 

Jin looked at the noonday sun and estimated the time that had passed since they left the restaurant.

 

“We still have a few minutes left,” he commented.

 

“Really? Then let's go look around the marketplace! Oh, just to window shop though,” she added, looking guiltily at the medicine in her hands. “We'll have to be frugal for a little while. But there's no harm in looking.”

 

Jin internally sighed. He would never understand why females in general liked to browse or look in shops even when they intended not to buy anything. You'd think that they'd get all wistful over the items that they want but can't have, and also piss off the vendors because they lead them into thinking that they'd be interested in buying. He knew about this very well, thanks to some of his part-time jobs.

 

Still, she looked at him so adamantly with those hazel orbs that he had given up trying to fight some time ago and he knew he'd let her do whatever she desired.

 

As they walked through the mildly bustling street, Fuu would once in a while peer at different items as Jin watched by her side. Sometimes, she didn't give the items a second glance, and other times she'd look at something with evident longing, taking out her purse to check if there was enough money. Of course there wasn't, and Fuu would then proceed to groan. The vendor groaned too for he had been placing his hopes on her buying his merchandise.

 

It were these times that Jin had an urge to take out his own money and buy her whatever item it was that she oggled at. But that was impossible for whatever he did have, he had already given to her in order to purchase that little jar of herbs. In short, he was broke too. She never looked to him or asked him to buy things for her though, for he knew that she was grateful and would never ask anything more from him. Still, it didn't ease down the seemingly natural feeling that refused to quell within him to please Fuu, dote on her and spoil her. Just because he wanted to see her face light up.

 

“Momma, momma there's Fuu-chan over there!” A familiar little voice said. Both Fuu and Jin turned around to see Satsuki tug the arm of an older woman who smiled and waved at them. Fuu bowed and waved back, her lips curving into a sweet smile when she saw Satsuki run over to give her a customary hug. After pulling away, the little girl looked up at Jin and mumbled a shy hello.

 

“Ne, Suki-chan…what are you doing here and where's Satoru?” Fuu asked, looking around for the brash young boy that was never too far from his sister.

 

“Nii-chan said he doesn't like to go shopping, so I'm here with Momma!” She pointed at the woman from before who was browsing through a vegetable stand. “Is Fuu-chan going shopping too?”

 

“Ah, sort of,” the elder girl laughed weakly. “I'm more of a `just looking' mood. Is there something you're looking for Satsuki?”

 

The child broke out into a wide grin and nodded enthusiastically, almost jumping on the balls of her feet. “Uh-huh! And guess what? Momma says that since I've been a really good girl, I get a present! I'm going to pick it out right now!”

 

“Oh, that's really great! I'm guessing Satoru doesn't get one because he got into trouble, huh?”

 

“Yeah. Nii-chan didn't do his chores last week. Momma was mad.”

 

Fuu giggled and Jin scoffed. `Figures,' he thought to himself. It sounded like something that Mugen would do, and he knew how Mugen-like Satoru was—down to that cocky smirk he always wore. Jin silently prayed that when the boy grew older he didn't plan a career in piracy.

 

“Did you have anything in mind for what you want?” Fuu's voice brought him out of his thoughts. The samurai looked down at the child who nodded once more and began tugging on Fuu's sleeve, urging her to follow.

 

“Come with me! I want to show you what it is!”

 

The elder girl was practically dragged throughout the marketplace by an eager Satsuki while a silent Jin followed from behind, wondering if it bothered Fuu to walk with her back bent slightly in order to let Satsuki take her by the hand. He was vaguely reminded of all the times she herself would grasp onto the loose sleeve of his kimono when she was scared or simply when they were just walking in peace.

 

He used to be so annoyed at first when she did so, but now that he thought about it, he quite missed the feel of her constant nearness to him.

 

“Here it is,” Satsuki announced proudly. Jin looked up to see that they were at a shop that sold various trinkets and antiques. There were finely painted vases in the store and pretty wind chimes hanging from the door and windows. Necklaces of jade, gold, and bronze as well as beads, bracelets, and clips were displayed at the tables.

 

But both of the girl's attentions were focused on a single shelf, which had a row of perfectly painted and exquisite looking porcelain dolls. Next to him, Jin could hear Fuu let out an audible gasp when she had laid eyes on them, one particular one that is. Her fingers coming up to trace the make-up and paint on the delicate smooth porcelain of the doll's features. She smiled and silently admired the handiwork of the little kimono that the doll was dressed, decorated with golden embroidery of flowers and designs. Slowly, she turned hazel eyes to young Satsuki.

 

“Suki-chan…it's gorgeous. But can your mother afford it?”

 

“Uh-huh. She's been saving for me for a long time, and I've been helping out with her too!” She said matter-of-factly.

 

“Can I help you lovely young ladies?” A short old elderly woman with a kind twinkle in her eyes appeared from behind the shop's flap door.

 

“Ah, well I—“

 

“Yes! I want to buy that doll! My mommy's buying it for me!” Satsuki cut in Fuu's stumbled words and jumped up and down excitedly. The old woman laughed and took the said porcelain doll off of the shelf.

 

“Ah yes, a fine choice. She's the prettiest of the bunch, just like you dear.”

 

The child beamed at the compliment and Jin nearly smiled at her easy-to-please attitude. His dark eyes flickered over to Fuu, and noticed she looked on with an expression akin to sadness. But it was quickly gone when the old woman with the doll in her hands turned to them, smiling.

 

“Your daughter is simply adorable,” she laughed. “Would you like to put the doll in a box…”

 

“Oh! No, she's not our,” Fuu blushed a light shade of pink and shook her head. “I mean I'm not her—“

 

“Satsuki? There you are,” the woman from earlier approached them and took the child by the hand. “I thought I told you to wait for me,” she said sternly.

 

“Sorry Momma, but I got all excited…”

 

She turned to Fuu, Jin, and the old woman to bow her apologies. “Gomen, but I am the girl's mother. I'm afraid she's a little impatient to get her doll.”

 

“It's no trouble at all!” The elderly shopkeeper waved it aside, “I thought these two were a bit young to have a six-year-old daughter,” she motioned over to where Jin and Fuu stood on the side. The girl adorned a blush that was now a healthy shade of red while Jin stood there with that same stoic mask on his face. “Now then, let's get this doll a new home, okay?”

 

With that, Satsuki, her mother, and the shopkeeper all went inside to do business, leaving the samurai and girl behind. From the corner of his eye, Jin knew Fuu was still fighting the last of her embarrassment but said nothing. To be honest, he himself felt a lurch somewhere in his stomach when the old woman had mistaken them for being Satsuki's parents.

 

Guiltily, Jin had played with the idea of it himself in his head before shaking it away and mentally agreeing with Fuu in her denial. He wasn't even sure why the idea reared itself at that moment…

 

Looking outside at the sun, Jin gave a small sigh and pushed his glasses a bit up the bridge of his nose. “Fuu, I think it's time we went back to the restaurant now,” he said gently to the girl. When he received no answer or reaction, he looked over to her she stood.

 

Fuu seemed to be in a deep trance as she stared at the remaining porcelain dolls on the shelf, her hazel eyes reflecting something that he realized was a deep longing. Then, a bittersweet smile crept upon her lips, and he swore he saw it again…that intangible sadness that made her scream in silence.

 

“Fuu?” Jin lightly touched her shoulder, causing her to blink a couple of times before returning to her current situation. “Are you alright?”

 

“H-Hai,” she nodded, giving him that smile that he knew was there only for show. “Just thinking… Um, let's get back before the manager fires us.” Wordlessly, they exited the antique shop to return to their jobs. But not before Jin saw Fuu giving one last withering glance at the porcelain dolls.

 

 

+++

 

 

He waited patiently for her out on the porch, but his fingers that drummed against his crossed arms told a different story. The truth of the matter was, he was quite anxious to know if the medicine actually worked or not. Right now, Fuu was in the kitchen drinking it. It had been a while now, but Jin knew that she also had to prepare the herbs before drinking it.

 

Almost out of habit, the samurai turned his gaze upwards toward the heavens and it's endless blanket of stars that peppered the sky. Vaguely, he wondered how many of them she had already wished on. They had just come back from lying outside on the fields where Fuu made her next request for the night. This time she asked for sushi…

 

The stars lost his attention when he heard a “Bleh!” from the kitchen, signaling that Fuu had finally taken her dose. Moments later, she walked sluggishly to where he sat, cross-legged on the porch. He resisted the urge to let an amused smirk play on his lips when he saw the sour look that scrunched her features. It seems that Fuu was right in her prediction that it would taste awful.

 

“How do you feel?” He questioned. She shot him an indignant look.

 

“Like I'm gonna puke,” she retorted.

 

“Besides that, any better?”

 

“Well I just took it, I don't know yet!” Fuu answered, surprised that he even asked her such a question. He gave her his usual “Hn,” and averted his gaze. It wasn't as if he was a medical expert or anything, so how was he supposed to know how it worked?

 

A shuffling sound could be heard, and Jin knew that Fuu had taken her usual spot beside him. It seemed to be a ritual between them now, to set aside time every night to just sit in comfortable silence and simply enjoy each other's company. It made everything else that burdened them less relevant than it really was. It made things less lonely, easier somehow…yet in a way more complicated.

 

Sometimes she'd talk, and sometimes he'd respond. Most of the time no words were needed. On this particular night though, the silence was thick and tense. Something was weighing heavy on Fuu's mind and Jin wondered what it was that troubled her so.

 

“Jin?” She started, not meeting his gaze. “If I ask you something, promise me you'll answer it?”

 

He studied her for a minute, before nodding. “If I can.” Jin waited patiently for her to continue, her eyes narrowed in thought as if wondering how exactly how to word her inquiry.

 

“Well, I want to know…what makes a woman attractive to you?”

 

`N-Nani?!' Jin was a bit taken aback at this. Out of all things that he thought she would ask this was not it. Yet she seemed so perfectly calm about the subject.

 

“Not just you! Mugen…and men in general,” Fuu added, seeing his unease. “What makes a woman attractive?”

 

Even then he was still rather speechless, and he simply closed his eyes, hoping to give off the impression that he was contemplating an answer—which he was, by the way.

 

“All I ever seem to do is attract weirdos. I remembered what that one woman told me. She said that young girls like me are cute but in the end, men go for the real women. What does that mean exactly?” Fuu tilted her head to the side in thought, in thought, and all Jin could do was let her continue. “Is it the make-up, the poise, their figure? Is it because they have more experience? Bigger boobs?”

 

Jin swallowed, all of a sudden feeling like a little boy that was discussing sex for the very first time. Still, he kept his cool composure and straightened his glasses. If Fuu was so casual about it, then he would be too.

 

“It's…all of those things,” he began slowly, “but it's not always about physical appearance.”

 

“Then, what else makes a woman attractive if not for her looks?”

 

Jin thought for a moment, not sure what to say that would unintentionally hurt Fuu. “It depends for each person,” he finally said, hoping that she'd drop it at that.

 

“Well then, what makes a woman attractive to you, Jin?” She asked, for the first time that night her hazel eyes met his dark ones. Now he really felt uncomfortable being in the spotlight like this. He wondered why Fuu wanted so badly to know, and why she was so persistent. Still, he had told her that he'd try to answer.

 

“I'm not really sure myself what I look for in a woman,” he said honestly. But Fuu didn't seem content with that, for she tugged on his sleeve.

 

“That's alright, just tell me about Shino then.”

 

“What?” Jin was definitely surprised that she had brought up the subject so easily. She shrugged when she saw his confusion.

 

“She meant something to you, right? I mean, I know that she was a prostitute that worked in a brothel so it's a given that she's pretty. But…if you were the type to risk your neck for any girl just because of her looks then you'd probably be in love with every woman you spent with in the brothels,” Fuu reasoned. “But Shino was different. She was special,” her voice became softer, almost a whisper as her eyes glazed over with a sort of distant look.

 

“Tell me…what makes Shino beautiful?”

 

She asked him so earnestly, as if she needed to know that he was once again caught speechless. Jin had never really thought about the reasons why he had felt such a strong connection with Shino. He just did and he had always left it at that. He remembered the first time he met the young woman and everything that followed after. Of course, she had always been attractive to him. She wasn't the most beautiful woman that he had ever seen, but she had a beauty all her own that made her desirous.

 

Her silent pleas for help were what really drew him. Her soul cried out to him, the pain so evident in her eyes every time she looked at him. She didn't need words to convey what she felt, and he supposed it was in that way that he found speaking with her easier. She was graceful, poised, kind and smart. An adult who knew what it meant to suffer. She knew that in life there were things that had to be done no matter what.

 

Jin had never realized it before, but perhaps the reason he was so easily drawn to Shino was because there were many things he saw in her that he saw in himself too. True, his feelings now may not be as strong as they used to be when he had first been with Shino, but he still cared about her. Fuu was still waiting patiently for his answer, and he turned to her with a wary smile.

 

“I suppose it's because I could relate to her better is all,” he said simply. He and Shino understood each other because they were alike. Birds of a feather. This seemed to satisfy the girl and she let out a soft “Hmm,” before returning her own gaze to the stars.

 

“I just have one last question,” Fuu said after several moments of silence. “Please be honest?”

 

Jin nodded. Of course, he knew he could never lie to the girl. She trusted him too much. “Alright.”

 

“…Jin, do you think I'm pretty?”

 

If he was caught off guard before with her earlier questions, Jin was nearly choking when he heard this one. The samurai froze; looking at her with widened eyes, he felt something-warm rise to his cheeks. In all of his years of being alive, Jin had never blushed before in his life. Luckily, it was dark and Fuu looked away as well, a very faint pink of her own on her cheeks.

 

His mouth tried to form words but nothing came out. Well…he certainly didn't think Fuu was ugly if that was what she was thinking!

 

“Fuu,” he started, his voice trying to sound calm and cool. Jin refused to look at her, for fear of what he might find. “Why all of these questions all of a sudden?”

 

The girl blushed, as if embarrassed or ashamed that she had even asked him and waved her hands and head quickly. “Ah, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to put you on the spot like that. It's just…” Her voice trailed off, and that distant wistful, yet sad look returned to his eyes and Jin couldn't help but wonder.

 

“Just…?”

 

She smiled, tucking a wayward strand of brown hair behind her ear. “I just remembered something today. It's so strange…I hadn't thought about it in years. Anyway it's stupid so…”

 

Jin wasn't going to let her off the hook that easy. After asking all of those questions, the samurai was at least entitled to know the reasoning behind them. He crossed his arms and looked intently at her, signaling to the girl that he was ready to listen. She sighed, as if hesitating to reveal anything. Her hazel eyes unconsciously sought the stars before she took a deep breath.

 

“It was after my father left,” Fuu began. “When I was little I remember there used to be this group of girls in my village that were really popular. Each of them had a beautiful porcelain doll that they'd all play with everyday. It seemed so much fun just watching them. I always wanted so badly to join in.

 

“One day, I came up to them and asked if I could play too. They all just stared at me with this weird look on their face. Like I had two heads or something. The oldest girl in the group told me that I couldn't play with them unless I had a doll too.

 

“I ran home to my mother that night and asked her if she could buy me one. But with my father gone, she had to work day and night just to make ends meet. She couldn't afford something like an expensive porcelain doll. So I decided to make one of my own out of rags, thread, and old kimono scraps that my mother didn't need anymore. It took a couple of days to finish and I even painted its' face and everything. I was so proud of it…”

 

Fuu's expression turned even more melancholy and Jin could almost swear he saw her eyes shine with tears that refused to fall. “I…remember it like it was yesterday. When I showed them the doll that I had made and asked if I could join in their game, they laughed. Then they told me that I still couldn't play with them.”

 

“…Why?” Jin found himself asking, his dark eyes probing Fuu's form. She let a sordid chuckle escape her lips.

 

“Kids can be really cruel sometimes,” she said bitterly. “I can still hear their voices… `Only pretty girls with pretty dolls can join.'” Her voice became shaky as she spoke the words. And suddenly, Jin understood why she seemed so gloomy when they were with Satsuki earlier that day to get the porcelain doll. Why she seemed so unbearably sad when the shopkeeper complimented that Satsuki was beautiful just like her new doll. Jin could tell she wanted to cry, her whole body trembled ever so slightly. He wanted to hold her.

 

He didn't know why he didn't.

 

“I cried…all the way home after that. I knew there was no way I could ask my mom for a porcelain doll, so I was stuck with my rag one. So I tried to fix it, make it look better by painting it more, or putting more patterns in its' kimono, or flowers in its' hair. But no matter what I did, it just wasn't as pretty as the real thing.

 

“Sometimes, I got so frustrated and angry that I would just yell at it. `You can't be ugly! Be pretty!' It's weird…but I thought that if I could change it, make it prettier…somehow, I'd be pretty too.” Fuu could no longer keep her voice steady as she pulled up her knees to her chin. Her eyes squeezed shut as if the mere memory of her childhood brought her immense pain…and a lone tear escaped her irises and slid agonizingly slow down her cheek.

 

And it came so naturally to Jin, to just ignore the protests and confusion that rang throughout his body and allow his arms to wrap around her trembling frame in a gentle embrace. She froze upon contact, but eased seconds later, leaning against him and burying her face into his hoari, breathing in his scent.

 

All Jin could do was hold on tightly to her, thoughts ran through his mind and his chest tightened. `She still thinks of herself as that little girl with the rag doll,' Jin thought. She still saw herself as ugly and worthless not just in the eyes of the group of girls, but to everyone. And it still haunted her to this very day.

 

A gnawing guilt overcame him and he suddenly felt that he had no right to touch her like this. Because when he truly thought about it…he was no better than the children that scorned her. How many times on their journey had he and Mugen left her for some curvaceous woman? When they sneaked away from her in the dead of night to enjoy themselves in the brothels? She had always yelled at them and perhaps hit them for it, and at the time it didn't seem such a big deal; even those little instances where Mugen would call her ugly, just to tease her. But by doing so, they unintentionally reminded her every time of the little ugly rag doll.

 

Albeit, Mugen had done this many more times than he had, but it didn't even compare to Jin. No, what Jin did was much worse. He remembered when she had told him to leave with Sera in order to help her find her child and he agreed without hesitation. Even though he had known it was a trap on Sera's behalf, he hadn't missed the hint of hurt that Fuu tried to hide. Couldn't believe that after all that they had been through, he would agree to leave her so quickly and easily. She was even more hurt when she knew that Mugen wanted to go with Sera as well…

 

But the one memory that would forever haunt his mind and plague his conscience, was that one moment where he had told her that he would risk everything to save Shino. His arms tightened their hold on Fuu as he remembered…how she pleaded with him not to go, to stay with her. How he ignored her all the same and said that if he didn't make it back, she should go on her sunflower samurai quest without him.

 

And the look of absolute betrayal and hurt that reflected in her hazel irises burned forever and a day into his memory as she watched him walk away. God, he couldn't even imagine what that must have been like for her when he had done that. He realized now, how much he had truly damaged her then. By just walking away, he was affirming the very thing that she had tried to prove wrong all her life:

 

That she was worthless, unwanted, not even important enough to the one person whom she trusted more than anyone else to put her first before anything else. In the end, Jin had always chosen the porcelain doll over the rag one. In the end…she was ugly.

 

And he had made her feel that way… Without knowing or thinking about it, he was the one who made her feel more ugly than anyone else ever did. He hurt her. The only one he had ever sworn to protect. And after everything she had been through too…the men that only want to use her for her body before discarding her like a broken toy, her father that walked out on her life…and now him. God…how could he do that to her? At that moment, Jin had never self-loathed as much as he did now and would never forgive himself for what he had done.

 

He felt her shift slightly in his arms into a more comfortable position, her breathing coming out in a calm, soothing rhythm. Fuu had fallen asleep, leaning against his chest with a peaceful, yet still sad expression on her face. Yet even then, he still couldn't let her go; instead he pulled her closer, as if afraid that she almost wasn't real.

 

“I'm sorry…” he whispered to her, even though he knew she couldn't hear him. Even though he knew that she'd forgive him no matter what it was that he was apologizing for. He knew…and he felt even worse. She had already forgiven him for it, he thought. She forgave him every time he came back and she only smiled, glad that he was still with her and Mugen before continuing on their journey like it had never happened.

 

Fuu was still here, leaning on him and confiding in him. She wanted him to stay not because she needed to be saved but because she simply needed his company. Even if she knew that in the end, she'd be left for some porcelain doll.

 

Jin found himself questioning…how? How in the world could someone such as she exist? Who went through so much more pain than anyone her age should ever have to endure and still smile as if it would all be fine in the end? How could she trust him so completely, even though he had done nothing to deserve it? Even after he hurt her as he did?

 

`Fuu…' her name resounded in his head, and he felt his body flood with warmth, not sure if it was because of the girl's added body heat or if it was simply the girl. Jin gazed down Fuu, who was now soundly asleep in his arms, feeling something he couldn't recognize but allowed it to engulf him all the same. His hand deftly raised to the pins that held her hair in their bun and pulled them out easily, slowly. He watched in fascination as brown, silken tresses fell onto her shoulders, brushed against his fingers and framed her delicate face.

 

Without being able to resist, Jin allowed himself the pleasure of running his fingers through her hair, never realizing how soft and wondrous they felt. And her scent…Jin lowered his head and inhaled deeply, reveling in the floral aroma that he'd always recognize to be Fuu. He breathed it in as if he were intoxicated with it, like it was the only air he ever needed.

 

His stomach lurched again, as it had done many times now since he had been with Fuu. He prays that it's indigestion, something that he ate that didn't agree with him. But the samurai fears that it isn't; that it's something far worse and would soon consume him whole. Consume them both.

 

In a swift movement, he maneuvered her in his arms and lifted her off the ground to carry her to her room. An incoherent mumble spilled from her lips, and Jin wondered what she dreamt about, if she still dreamed at all. He hoped they were good, hoped that at least in sleep she would be free from the pains of this life. And if she wasn't, he hoped that he would be there to protect her even in sleep.

 

Jin shook his head slightly, surprised at his own sentimental thoughts. But he found that he couldn't help it. It seemed almost natural to feel these strange things that he knew he shouldn't be feeling when he was with Fuu. As he approached her futon, he kneeled down and tucked her in gently so that he wouldn't wake the girl from her slumber.

 

A slight frown edged its' way onto the samurai's lips when he spotted blood droplets on her sheets, possibly left from nights where she had her coughing fits. He'd have to wash them soon. Jin allowed his dark eyes to wander back to the girl now curled in her bed, facing him. A few strands of her hair had messily fallen onto her face and without thinking about it, Jin reached out to brush them aside, pleased to find that her skin was warm.

 

He could have sworn she smiled then.

 

It was then that Jin realized that Fuu was a lot more like the rag doll than she knew, but not in the way that she thought. True, she wasn't as perfect or flawless as the other porcelain dolls that were so deeply revered. But she was made with the utmost devotion, created in the light of pure innocence and love in every fiber of her rags, dirtied threads and mismatched scraps of kimono cloth.

 

She had faults and imperfections…she was clumsy, loud, a bit temperamental, and ate more than a proper girl should. Still, all these flaws only added onto what made her Fuu, and she was all the more wonderful with them. She was unique, with a beauty all her own that came from within. And it was because of this fact that made Fuu far more precious than any of the other porcelain dolls—any other woman or geisha, ever was. And she was the only one who didn't see it.

 

“…Jin, do you think I'm pretty?”

 

Her words echoed in his mind once more, and he felt that familiar aching take over his entire body. Jin cursed himself a coward for not answering her before. But if he could go back in time to that one moment, he knew exactly what he would say.

 

“No, Fuu,” he whispered to her sleeping form. You're not pretty at all… “You're beautiful.”

 

 

+++

 

 

All of the things I wanted to know, and the pain of knowing

Everything was left undone.

 

 

+++

 

+End Chapter+

 

 

 

[A/N]

 

Ending quote once again from “Into the Light” by Maaya Sakamoto.

 

This was very emotionally draining chapter to write, but it's my absolute favorite out of the story simply because of the Porcelain Doll story. I think everyone at some point in their lives felt ugly or worthless and it's hard to see ourselves as beautiful. That's why I was so attached to the porcelain dolls. It was actually inspired off a scene in a movie called “Eternal Sunshine in the Spotless Mind” which is a beautiful movie and I recommend all romantics to watch it.

 

The line “You can't be ugly! Be pretty!” was taken directly from that scene, and I took the concept of the ugly doll and added a lot of things to it. Those of you who have seen this movie know what I'm talking about.

 

Also, everyone seems to think it isn't going to end happy. Just because I didn't guarantee a happy ending, doesn't mean I guarantee a sad one… (sweat)

 

Thanks to everyone who reviewed! Please read and review! Again, try not to flame, criticism welcome.

 

Thanks and Ja Ne!