SD Gundam Fan Fiction ❯ By Process of Elimination ❯ By Process of Elimination ( One-Shot )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

This story and my author's notes can also be viewed on my fanfiction account here: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5019375/1/By_Process_of_Elimination

000

The process of elimination is a basic logical tool to solve real world problems.

~Wikipedia

If there was one thing that he absolutely hated more than organics, Gundams, and the dark tunnels of Lacroa combined…

"You're all right! My precious flowers… they survived! Oh, I'm so happy! I'd thought you had all been petrified by those bugs…"

…It was Zapper Zaku's new god forsaken programming.

With an inward sigh, Grappler planted his face against his palm and ran his hand over his features for the third time within the past three minutes. Since Genkimaru last disappeared through another passageway with his axe embedded in the giant bagubagu that attacked them, the Zako soldiers and their three abstained squad leaders had run out of options when it came to figuring a way out of the underground caverns. Whereas Destroyer was already never any help when it came to practical planning, the next choice to get out of the caves rested solely on Zapper Zaku and Grappler Gouf. Grappler couldn't do as much as help either though. He was a no-nonsense leader and was most certainly the most level-headed of all of them down there, but he had no experience with navigating caves. He wasn't built for underground exploration in chasms, let alone being trapped in them. Zapper Zaku did not have the skills necessary for escaping the tunnels either, but certainly wouldn't be of any use regardless… for escaping or otherwise.

The maroon and once vicious squad commander stood cheerily over the three small flowers growing up from the cave floor at the center of the room. It was a curse, Grappler thought, that there just had to be an opening at the top of the cave's ceiling above where the flowers were growing so that they could survive, because none of them had the hopes of reaching it to escape. Skipping around those same flowers, Zapper watered the small plants with a peppy air lingering around him like a heavy aurora that was thick enough to be hacked through with an axe. Gouf was tempted to take his mop in hopes that he would stop, but Zapper's trusted cleaning device was safely strapped to his back. Being in possession of a strong sense of self-preservation -- and not wanting to be on the receiving end of being ruthlessly bludgeoned by same said mop -- the cobalt warrior opted to not try taking it away while Zapper was so close. If he tried to, Grappler was positive the other warrior wouldn't hesitate to go completely postal on him. The older squad leader still had his machine guns after all. Even though Zapper claimed he wouldn't use them, Gouf didn't put if past the maroon mech to not do so anyways.

In other words, seeing Zapper the way he was now made Grappler want to be violently ill.

"Uhhhhh…"

"As if my day couldn't get any worse," Grappler thought bitterly to himself. It took a great deal on his part to keep his voice from rising in frustration when he glanced over at Destroyer Dom. It was strange not seeing Gallop following behind the weapons crazed warrior, although Grappler couldn't bring himself to complain. Even though Destroyer managed to become slightly more irritating with his complaints that he needed and wanted weapons -- Gallop, his storage trailer, had been confiscated by the SDG when they were originally captured -- at least none of them had to worry about the dull headed warrior going berserker on them by accident. Dom had a tendency to go overboard and get carried away with his weapons after all so, even though he was otherwise useless unless he had some sort of firepower at his disposal, Grappler did not mind that Destroyer did not have anything that he could use to potentially blow the entire cavern sky high.

Predictably, of course, this left Destroyer bored. When he was bored, he had a tendency to think. When the not-so-bright mech was left to think, this usually created problems. One of these problems was that he would frequently ask questions… none of them, of course, being of the intelligent variety.

Especially so now.

Dom rubbed the back of his head and his optic flashed bright pink. There was no depth behind it, giving the much more ferocious looking squad leader an almost blank looking appearance. "Dom has question."

"No duh," Grappler said. He looked away from Destroyer to glare spitefully at Zapper skipping joyously around his flowers. The other Zakos around the cavern had long since broken up into groups to mingle amongst their friends, but the looks they cast in Zapper's direction were more of apprehensiveness than the anger Grappler was channeling at the maroon warrior. Grappler had to resist the sudden urge to scream at their minions to do something useful. "Hurry up and ask me your question before I loose my patience. I'm not in a good mood."

The unspoken threat that Grappler would loose his thinning patience -- and his temper with it -- fell on deaf audios to Dom. The other warrior wasted no time in speaking up again. "Zapper Zaku says he's daddy to flowers."

As if to verify this statement, a rather loud exclamation of "Daddy loves his babies!" echoed throughout the cave. A few of the Zakos jumped in surprise and some of them even visibly shuddered.

"That's a statement," Grappler hissed. He turned his head to glare at Destroyer, his aggravation seeping through the cool barrier he had put up to separate his anger from the outside. "That's not a question, gear head."

Destroyer wasn't finished though. "And Grappler is married to--"

Urgh. This again?

"For the last time, Dom," Grappler breathed threateningly. "I… Am not… MARRIED."

It had been an innocent comment from the Gundams' pet organic during a battle in Neotopia -- Shute was his name, though only unless Grappler's memory chips were working correctly -- claiming that Zapper and Grappler fought like a married couple. True to word, the two of them had been fighting. Both the squad leaders were squabbling over whether or not to make a tactical retreat when the human made his comment with a laugh. Destroyer had been in earshot though, and he asked what the human meant with a confused expression. Shute told him. Grappler hated the organic more than he had before because of it. When they returned to the Dark Axis that day after failing that same mission, Destroyer had gone ahead asking stupidly if he could be the best man.

Commander Sazabi would not let either of them live it down. Grappler despised that.

Dom, unfortunately for him, did not seem to hear Gouf's angered exclamation. Despite whatever it was that Grappler said to try convincing the somewhat larger mech otherwise, the warrior never seemed to get it through his skull. That was when Destroyer finally got around to his question.

"So, if Zapper Zaku daddy and Grappler Gouf married to him, then that means…" He trailed off with an almost painful slowness before resuming. "…So that means that Grappler Gouf is mommy!"

Silence.

With a pang of horror rising through his circuitry, Grappler turned his head to look in the direction the rest of the Zako troops and Zapper Zaku. Upon finally turning his head all the way to face their direction, Grappler was mortified to see they were all staring straight at him. They had heard the loud cry from Dom obviously, and Destroyer was doing Gouf's embarrassment more harm than anything else.

Dom threw his arms in the air and spun around in a lumbering circle. His voice took on a singsong tone that echoed throughout the cavern so that it was amplified. "Grappler a mommy! Grappler a mommy! I like big BOOM!"

They were all still staring. Very, very slowly, the Zakos looked at one another before looking back and staring at Gouf. Zapper had stopped his charade with watering his plants entirely, and he was blinking in a manner that was nearly as stupid as Dom's antics.

With mortification taking priority over the horror, Grappler felt his face flush hot and he buried his face in his hands to avoid looking at anyone.

"Whatever you say, Dom," he said with a defeated moan. He thought slowly, "I just had to jinx myself when I said today couldn't get any worse, didn't I?"

Fin