Title: Sayonara - Rukawa's POV

Author: Optimistic_Pessimist, a.k.a. Seraph_Kirin

Pairing/s: RuHana

Rating: PG-13

Status: One-Shot

Genre: Angst

Chapter: 2/2

Email: seraph_kirin@hotmail.com

Disclaimers: All Disclaimers Apply.

Archive: SDBC, Fanfiction.net and Fandomination.net... that's about it I think.

Author's Notes: Okay, as promised, the sequel to "Sayonara: Hanamichi's POV." Note that this is a great deal more revealing than Hanamichi's POV bcoz Rukawa is dumping Hanamichi for reasons only he knows.

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Sayonara: Rukawa's POV

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Hana-kun, I'm sorry.

I know that these words won't take away your pain.

I know that you don't deserve this at all and that I'm the biggest bastard on Earth for forcing this on you.

I know that, more than ever and for the first time in my life, my mind, together with my heart, is rebelling so strongly against this thing that I have to do.

Hana-kun.

I savour the sound of your name even as I say it for what was most probably the last time.

I can feel claws tearing apart my heart into a million pieces... just as I know they are tearing apart yours right now after I say those dreaded words...

I don't want to do this to you.

I never thought I would do this to you.

Then again, I never thought that we would break up this way either.

I never thought that there would be a day when I would have to face the world without you by my side to support me.

I still need you.

I still want you.

And, God dammit, I still love you.

That much hasn't changed.

No. It will never change.

I have never doubted that I love you more than I love basketball or my life.

Hell, I would give up everything in my life if you just asked me to.

And I know you'd do the same for me.

My love for you never wavered. There was never any question that I loved you more than anything else in this world.

Never.

And, yet, it is that love itself that I am most afraid of.

You know that it has changed in essence, you know.

You have felt the brunt of my increasingly irrational and jealous tantrums. And you know that there is now a different edge to my tantrums.

I have become so… so overly possessive of you. And there are stronger words than that to describe what I feel for you.

Hanamichi, I'm scared.

What scares me the most is the depth of my passion for you.

It's so much stronger than before.

So much more powerful and overwhelming.

So much more destructive.

It's so strong that I fear what will happen if one day that passion escapes and is allowed it's free rein of you.

I cannot bear to think of it.

And do you know why I have these unreasonable rages?

They stem from my furious resentment of anyone who stands a chance in capturing your heart and stealing that coveted treasure of mine away from me.

You really don't know how desirable you are, even after half a year with me I still can't knock the fact that you are lusted after into that thick head of yours.

They stem from my hatred of anyone who sees your smile and who knows about how absolutely perfect you are.

I can barely keep myself from walking straight up to you whenever you smile to haul you over my shoulder, take you home and lock you up forever in the house so that your smile will only be seen by me.

That is how seriously deluded I am.

And you know what the most ironic thing is?

These rages stem from my love for you.

The same love that claimed you as my own is now rearing its ugly head, determined to destroy you...

I cannot let that happen.

I will not let it happen.

I know you understand and forgive me these selfish frenzies of mine.

But do you know that I can barely keep myself from locking you away from the outside world so that you will belong only to me?

Do you know how much I want to chain you literally to my side and never, ever let you go?

You don't.

And I intend to keep it that way.

That's why I have to leave, Hana-kun.

I want to protect you from this overwhelmingly devastating craze of mine. You don't deserve this. You never deserved it.

I know that I am hurting you, but believe me. This is the best way out for us.

This way, I won't hurt you.

This way I can protect you.

And this way...

I lose you in the most painful way ever.

I do not want to look at you… not now.

Not now when I know I hurt you in the worst way possible after you treated me so well... after all the things we shared... after all we've been through together...

Pain sliced my heart into many ribbons of flesh. I was dying inside. But you can't see that, can you? Not when I refuse to meet that all-seeing-all-understanding eyes of yours...

You would see past my mask to see what I've hidden underneath... you always had.

But not this time.

Not this time when I'm trying so goddamned hard to protect you from the biggest monster on Earth: Me.

I feel your eyes burning a hole in me.

What are you thinking right now?

Do you hate me?

I'm sure you do.

It is hardly impossible to hate a creature such as I.

Lord, I can only just control myself so that I do not blurt out everything to you and beg for you to understand and forgive me.

I know that if I did that right now, you will understand, you will forgive me and, this is what I fear the most, you will take me back.

I know what will happen if I do that. So I try my hardest to hold myself together, feeling my entire world crumble into a million speckles of dust with every second that passes by.

I know every single thing that must be passing through that silly head of yours now… and while I cannot verbally refute this inevitable self-blame mechanism of yours… at the very least, I know personally that you are not the reason why we broke down.

I know that you think that this is your fault.

But, most assuredly, the fault does not belong to you.

It never did.

Its owner had originally, and still is, been me.

It never belonged to you, not one single second of it.

All of it belonged to me.

It wasn't a matter of us being unsuitable for each other either.

It never was.

I don't regret the time when I started on this relationship with you.

I still don't.

It wasn't that you didn't try hard enough in our relationship.

You did try... 90% of the time, you were the person who made time for us, who looked for me to practice together, who made it possible for us to even last this long... I was the one who was lacking.

I was the one who had the gall to treat you badly even when it wasn't your fault.

I was the one responsible for turning your world upside down and shattering that beautiful jewel of a heart into smithereens.

I was the culprit.

And I'm sorry.

Though I know that "sorry" doesn't exactly cut it at this point in time.

I look up at you momentarily, instantly regretting my decision.

You were crying.

At that moment, you looked so... heartbreakingly vulnerable.

I watched as a crystal-like teardrop slide down your cheek and it is all I can do to keep my hands from wiping that tear away and holding you until the pain ceases...

But I can't.

My hand, my entire body had been paralysed by some other Being that reinforced more than ever that one little fact I wanted so much to ignore: I no longer have the right to do that.

I gave that up the moment I said those six little words.

It would be a loss that I would forever mourn.

A loss that hurt me unlike so many other losses that I encountered before.

I lowered my eyes, deeply ashamed of myself, of what I had done to him who didn't deserve that sort of pain.

Out of the corner of my eye, I registered a sudden movement from him.

I stood up, facing him... and the soul-deep sorrow in his eyes.

I felt my stomach clench painfully at the sight of his empty eyes.

Again I was reminded that I was the one who utterly devastated him.

"Hanami-" Somehow I was glad when he cut me off, rejecting the comfort that I offered.

This was one instance that I was glad for that insufferable pride of his.

How can I not be worried about him?

His eyes belied his countenance, there was a weariness in his voice and step and resignation emanated from every pore of his body.

My heart ached at the forlorn picture that he painted. I know for sure that this gaping wound that I had inflicted on him will never heal completely.

I never hated myself more than in that very moment.

I move to hold him for that one last time.

His rejection of me hurt the most of all.

But I deserved the pain.

He didn't.

He was right in rejecting me.

I no longer possessed that right.

He was no longer mine, nor I his.

He was free, free to leave.

That hurt, even as I tell myself that it was all for the best, sinking back down unto the sofa.

His movements towards the door alerted me to the fact that he is about to leave.

I got back up to open the door.

Somehow, I found that strangely symbolic.

I was letting him go. Just like that.

"So, I guess I'll be seeing you around."

I very nearly laughed at that statement.

We both knew that our chances of meeting each other would be very slim after this, as we would go to all lengths to avoid each other. I cannot bear seeing him with another person other than me, and I know for certain that for quite some time, he would feel the same towards me as well...

He pauses at the gate.

My breath catches.

Somehow, I still hope that he will return to me even after what I've done to him... but that hope extinguishes itself as he turns around to meet my eyes to say with a deadly finality...

"Sayonara, Rukawa."

I close my eyes, hearing him close the gate and leave, this time, forever.

I turned and walked back to my house. There was nothing more to say.

Closing the door behind me, I slide down the smooth wooden panels of the door.

"Sayonara, Rukawa."

"Sayonara, Hanamichi." I mutter, tears gathering at the edge of my dull blue eyes.

And then hugging my knees to my chest, I placed my head down... and began to cry.

Sayonara, Hanamichi.

OWARI

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Author's Notes 2: Should I make a reunion sequel or leave it as it is…? Comments, anyone?

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