Slam Dunk Fan Fiction ❯ This Way ❯ Part 1 ( Chapter 1 )

This Way

Part 1

A/N: "This Way" is by Dilated Peoples and Kanye West.

*I can't live my
Life this way

Continually really get high*

It's time to go home and pretend I know what I'm doing with myself. Still not drunk after an hour of sitting in this bar. Good for me, I've got some tolerance now. It's a quarter till 8…quite early but I still have class tomorrow so I might as well…

*Instead of runnin' 'round, lock one bird down*

On the way out I run into that girl Yuki…or Yuri or something…I don't know, I've been meeting girls left and right in the three years since starting at the university…I don't know who anyone is anymore. It's a wonder I've managed to stay in school, but I get by.

*It's a new day, gotta do it big just to get by*

Somehow instead of heading home I make it to the `other' bar, where my old friends go. I promised Mitsui I'd come around. I don't know why. He's kind of hard for me to be around when I'm in a mood like this. I love him to death but he's in graduate school and I always feel so…useless around him. Yohei too. Yohei's going to graduate with top honors and I'm barely getting by.

I saw what happened to Mitsui, I warned Oda about it, and the same damn thing happened to me. After hurting my back freshman year, my short-lived basketball career was over. It probably didn't have to be that way, but I let it. I decided it was part of my fate. I may be successful for a while but I'll find a way to screw it up. Just like with my dad. Didn't I make up for it by helping Anzai-sensei? What did I do wrong to end up back on the outskirts of the school? And all alone, at that. All my friends had made a name for themselves as misunderstood gentlemen, and Yohei stuck with Haruko when I faded back into obscurity. I never held it against him though. It's what I wanted. I didn't give him a choice.

"Sakuragi, where the fuck have you been?" Mitsui howls joyously over the loud music and voices as I sit down next to him. I have some special radar that allows me to find that comfortingly dark voice without looking up. I don't even look up as I plop down and allow my dark reddish-brown hair to fall across my nose. "Hey, what?" he demands, slinging an arm over my back.

*Show no respect; can't live that way*

"Are you already drunk?" I growl dangerously.

"No, jackass, but what about you? You smell like Jack Daniels. Aren't you a little young to be drinking like an alcoholic?"

"Fuck you." Funny way I have of treating my best friend. Wish he'd get his damn arm off me.

*Without my chick on deck, can't live that way*

"Did Yuri dump you?" he asks, all concerned. Oh, so that *was* her name. I sigh peevishly and push his arm off of me.

*They say what they like, but I've been that way*

"Hanamichi is always in a foul mood lately," Yohei snipes. I glance up to see him with his arm around Haruko, who has a worried look on her face. Always so worried about me. But it's all just a show I guess. She's "worried" about me for years but not enough to try to help in any real way.

"Hey, so are you coming over to see Rukawa-san tomorrow?" Haruko asks her boyfriend. Yohei shrugs and glances at me. I've been giving him the eye since he first spoke *at* me, and I think Mitsui is glaring at me. Since I'm so rude and all.

"Well, I definitely will," Mitsui chimes in. "Probably the only actual NBA player I'll ever meet."

"I can't believe he's going to be in the All-Star game in his rookie season!" Haruko chirps. "He's only 21 years old and becoming one of the best players in the United States!"

"What about that American kid who got drafted straight out of high school?" I sneer. She gives me a scolding look.

Yohei chuckles. "I'll definitely need to keep an eye on you, Haruko-chan, so I guess I'll be there tomorrow too." *Haruko-chan*. He's always called her this. Was that the secret? Act like you're in until you *are*? Did I fuck this up, too, by always being too respectful and distant?

*The sun can't chill but everyday it sets*

"Oi, Hanamichi, you coming tomorrow?" Mitsui asks, again putting a hand on my shoulder. I shrug him off again.

"I have to work tomorrow, and I have a ton of reading to do," I tell him as I stand up. I finally look at him for the first time since I've been in the building. His intricately messy hair seems to shimmer in the dim light, as do his midnight eyes, so full of real concern. Not like Haruko's fake distress. Certainly not like Yohei's barely-veiled contempt. Why does Haruko make him hang around with me still? We used to be best friends, but now Mitsui's just about the only real friend I have.

"Are you leaving already?" Mitsui demands, confused by my sudden departure. I give him a Rukawa-worthy snort and turn to leave.

"Hey!" he shouts, grabbing my arm roughly. "I'm coming with you. We need to talk." I see Yohei roll his eyes and Haruko crumble as I nod subtly and keep moving. He throws some cash on the bar and hurries after me.

*Success will be the best revenge…*

"I can't see him," I mutter as we get outside to a less noisy zone. "This is just what that baka kitsune would love, to see me so miserable. Barely getting through school, going to work like a zombie…"

"I don't think he'd look at it that way," Mitsui responds as we walk up the street.

"What the hell do you know?" I grumble. Even as I say it, I start feeling the beginning twinges of guilt. This is why Yohei dislikes me so much now.

Somehow or another, Mitsui ends up weaseling his way into my apartment with me. That's fine; it's comfortable to be around him. I flop down on the bed and he sits next to me, leaning a hand on the mattress.

"I wish I could make you feel better," he says sincerely. I know he does. I wish I could tell him how. He gives me a considering look. "How's your back?"

"It's fine. I…just…hate…what…my life's become."

"I've been there," he sighs.

"I know, and you turned things around. I don't know if I can."

"Hanamichi, you quit basketball and got depressed because of your back. I know what it's like. It took years but I managed to recover and found something to work toward. It's been five years since you got hurt. If your back feels fine now, I think you could safely go back to playing now."

"What would be the point?" I groan, falling onto my back. "I don't think I'd even know how to play anymore. And why? I don't even care anymore."

Mitsui sighs. He's always so patient with me. It's kind of pathetic, really. "Well, then, we find you something to care about again."

I raise an eyebrow at him. "Huh?"

"You need to find something to care about. Isn't that your problem? You didn't care about much of anything for a while before you played basketball, and since then you haven't found anything else to make you so fired up. So…you find something that you're passionate about. Make yourself enjoy life again."

I stare at the ceiling for a long time. It seems like a long time, anyway. "Maybe you're right," I finally concede. "I need to find a way out of this…fog. But I have no idea what that thing could be."

"Maybe you should write something tonight. Just start writing all the things you've been thinking about and just let yourself go free. See what comes out of it."

I nod. Mitsui's always right.

"And come with me to Akagi's tomorrow," he continues.

I just sigh. No point arguing. I can always hide tomorrow. "You wanna spend the night tonight?"

Mitsui frowns a little and stands up. "Don't think I should. You…you're busy tomorrow, aren't you?"

I sigh again. "Yeah, but…"

"Just try it. Just take time tonight to think about what you're feeling and see if you have any ideas. I'll come get you tomorrow, ne?"

"Fine," I grumble, getting up to see Mitsui to the door. Don't know why he's suddenly so eager to leave. Probably got a hot date or something. Who the hell knows?

When Mitsui's gone, I rest my head against the door. I guess now is as good a time as any to face all the shit that's been plaguing me for the last five years.

*This time I made up my mind
This time I'm back on my grind
I know there's things in my life
That I'm-a let go starting tonight*

So I turn on the computer and start typing. About all the girls who've dumped me lately. Well, at least I got a chance to date them first. I guess that's progress.

*My favorite girl wanna leave just because I got a girlfriend
My freak girl told me now she a Christian
My white girl wanna move back to Michigan
I'm pullin' girls off the bench like a sixth-man*

I read back over what I've written and it makes me feel worse. I've been such an ass.

*I have my money on my mind, I was thinkin' green*

Work is a joke. I'm getting my degree in journalism but my current internship is really putting me off of the world of reporting. So much is about pop culture and not much real news, and it's sickening at times.

After awhile I take a break and start digging through some old boxes, not sure what I'm looking for. My eyes light on a glossy pile of pictures that I took in high school. When did I stop taking pictures all the time?

I find one of Mitsui that makes me pause. I remember that he brought me a little camera when he came to visit me in the hospital after I first hurt my back. I smile at the picture of my friend leaning against the window frame in my hospital room, a thoughtful look upon his profile, the setting sun making his hair glow orange instead of blue. I slowly lean up on my knees and put it on the desk.

The next picture is one that Mitsui apparently took. I was zoning out on pain medication again and barely had my eyes open. Even now I remember this in a dream-like haze. He had climbed into the bed next to me and held the camera out to take a picture of the two of us lying there, me dozing, him smiling slightly. I stare at this one for a long time. He looks so young here. And hopeful. Hopeful for me. Not yet worried. I don't know where that hope went.

I stare at the picture till I startle myself with drops of salt that taint the glossy paper. I sniff and put it on the desk. Then stare at the computer screen for a while before clambering up from the floor and sitting to type again.

*…When did I stop chasing down all the moments of beauty and light in life? When did I run off my former best friend and start hurting my new best friend? Why do I keep dragging myself down with girls who don't love me? Why don't I stop looking for the girl of my dreams and appreciate those who haven't left me? I don't have many people in life. I should dig deeper and see why they've stuck around. Mitsui. And Haruko. Why do they keep welcoming me back after I am so cold to them? When did I become like Rukawa Kaede? Why was he like this? What's similar? Was he like this because he was depressed, too? But how could a person like that ask for anything more from life? What happened to me? God dammit, what happened to me?*

I look over what I've written and let my forehead hit the desk. Tomorrow I'm buying a new camera. A digital one. And maybe I'll go talk to Rukawa while he's still in Japan. Maybe I can find out what makes a person like this.

Maybe I can find something new in him. Or maybe I can rediscover something in Mitsui, or Haruko, or even Yohei. I just need to find a source of light again. And I've suddenly remembered that when I have that magical lens, I can find the light. I need to start looking again.

*TBC*