Slam Dunk Fan Fiction ❯ Wings ❯ wings ( One-Shot )

Title: Wings

Author: The Black Iris (MitsuiSelphie)

E-mail: selphie2002@hotmail.com

Genre: angst and a little bit of romance, POV

Pairing: RyoAya in a way, NOT RyoAya in another way…-_-

WARNING: Angst?

Disclaimer: SD belongs to Dr. T and Jump, this story belongs to me…

Author's Notes: In this story, nothing is as is. You have to distinguish what is from what is, otherwise your attempt to understand the gist of this fic would prove to be futile. This story was written for Liete-san and dedicated to my dear friend - the biggest Ryota fan I ever knew (aside from Liete of course) - Eugenette.

~*~

Everything was silent.

The wind was dead calm and time remained utterly still the moment she left. Even I was frozen for a while. It was too quick, too fast to have happened. It had a dreamlike quality to it - so unreal I could have sworn everything around me stopped moving - like the perfectly tranquil waters on a cloudless midsummer day.

I regretted the fact that I wasn't there when she said goodbye - that I wasn't even able to listen to her last words; that I missed the last sound she made with her voice which I loved most. Nevertheless, everything's finished and I was left with only regrets to nourish my weary spirit. And when she went away, everything started to fade…like a fisherman's dying gas lamp in the middle of pitch-black seas; like a candle burning out slowly in the middle of vast obscurity; like a person's last flickers of hope fading - almost all at once - amidst all of life's turbulence.

All my life I've been carefree and I've never really taken it seriously with another woman except her - but she rejected me…more than once. I pretended that all was well - that I'm just fine with everything, I pretended that I was happy; that in one way or another, those heart-wrenching rejections had never happened - but it was all pretend. Inside, the feeling was utterly indescribable - but somehow, I acquired the ability to smile even though I was feeling exactly the opposite.

Oh…how much did I love her? No, even though she's gone, I won't speak of her in the past tense. Until now, I still love her - I love her so much that every girl I see looks like her…such a cliché, but it's the truth, love in itself is a cliché anyway. So when she left, my mask broke; and all my wrapped up emotions were set free to dance along the gay breeze like fallen autumn leaves. And for the first time in my life…

…I thought of death as a way of escape…

It's not true that life has infinite possibilities. I only had two choices after that traumatizing incident; the first is to die and end the pain and the other is to live and live with the pain. I was confused…truly, wholly confused that I fell into a drinking fit, so severe, I was drunk whole day everyday for quite a period of time. I succumbed to the world of the coward's way of escape - I tried to get out of it, I really tried, but every time I struggle to climb out of the choking man hole I made for myself; a vision of dark enormous shadows would dance before my eyes and before I knew it, I already got sucked more into the pit of my own emotions.

It remained like that until nature took its course and gave me retribution for abusing my own self. I got sick…it was just flu but my head kept on reeling incessantly. That period of my life was the worst. I was lonely and I couldn't drink - so in the end I felt like shit and truth is, the first option I made for myself was playing inside my head that I almost carried it out.

As if divine providence had interceded, I got well almost instantly, but then something queer happened. After I got well - I lost my ability to speak. It was so depressing to have lost your voice…I can't say anything, I couldn't make a sound, but at least I forgot to be sad for a while - it's hard to be lonely when you're mute. The doctor said that it might be psychosomatic due to her death and I agree, but still, I can't help but feel angered - I already lost the woman I love, was I bound to lose my voice too? It's so unfair…

Life. Is. Unfair.

At first, I thought words. I was still coherent in my mind even though I couldn't speak. My thoughts were composed of words I would have voiced aloud if ever I were able to. But after some time…my way of thinking changed. Every time something happens, I feel something or see a vision. Like when Hanamichi would come and visit, I'd feel real warm because I can feel fire from his red hair or when I see Rukawa, a picture of a white fox would come popping into my brain. Whenever Mitsu would come around to say hi, I'd suddenly remember my old dog - just like him, Mitsui had been a loyal friend to me and when Kogure would call to check things out, the feeling of soft cotton on my skin would envelope my thoughts.

It's strange, but because of what happened I was able to realize so many things especially the fact that not everything could be explained by words alone. I could say, that the incident of losing my voice made me…emotionally mature, and thinking back, I'm actually thankful it happened. During those times when I couldn't speak, I was able to assess my own feelings, able to face all my fears. I felt really alone, so I struggled alone and in the end - I found out that I was actually not. I was living in my own world then and in it I realized who I really was. I am me. I am but myself and no one else and there was no need to pretend anymore. After that self-realization, I felt truly happy…

…for the first time in ages…for the very first time…

…and it had been worth the wait…

It's been years now since she left me but a memory of her still remains within. She was my youth - the dazzling Aya-chan, but just like my youth, she's also gone. I still don't believe in fate but I don't think we were ever meant to be together…she was my joy but she was also my despair, she was my life but she could have also been my death. That's the kind of woman she is - intoxicating, sometimes even addicting. She gets me high on my senses, like liquor (or steroids), but she also calms my hyperactive persona, like narcotics and depressants. She was both my source of inspiration and my cause of degradation, she was both my angel and my devil…but she had never been mine.

Looking back on those days, I feel like a fool, but I don't regret anything that has ever happened. After all, it's because of everything that has happened that I am who I am now. I am finally free of all anger, sadness and regret and although I can't say that I'm perfectly happy with how things are going on now, I also can't say that I'm sad - I'm just content that I'm just me; and I am proud of who I've become…

…because now, I'm finally free…

And just like what I always wanted, I'd soar the sky with my dreams even though I've already lost my wings - I myself would be my own wings and my dreams, the wind.

It was not so long ago in my youth

That I could still spread my wings and

Take flight carefreely among stars and

All things celestial.

It is not so easy to fly now

that my wings are gone with age;

It is more challenging.

~OWARI~

A/N: For Liete…hope you liked it. Verses at the end not by me, but I don't know who wrote it either.

Date finished: August 4, 2002 (Sunday) 22:20 GMT+8

Currently listening to: nothing…but I'm staring at my Shohoku team's wall scroll hung in my room…hehe…