Slayers Fan Fiction ❯ Disorder in the Court ❯ Insanity Abounds ( One-Shot )

Kaori: Okay, this is my first (and probably going to end up being my only) Slayers fanfic. I think I watched too much Court TV today…

Ayamachi: I'll excuse you just this once because you haven't really sat down and watched television for about three months.

Kaori: [puzzled] It's been that long?

Machigai: Blame your coursework.

Kaori: I do that anyway.

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters of Slayers but if I did, Slayers Try would definitely have been less of a disappointment, and Naga would've been included in the first two seasons.

WARNING: AU, OOCness

Other stuff: I'm not a law student, I'm a Computer Information Systems major and everything I know about law is from the brief course I had in high school, watching Court TV, Judge Joe Brown, Judge Mills Lane, and Judge Hatchett.

Disorder in the Court

By Kaori

Interior. Your typical courtroom setup.

Amelia: Order in the court!!

Gourry: [somewhere in the back] I'll have three chicken sandwiches, six roast beef sandwiches, a flagon of milk, some… [is smacked upside the head with a Claire Bible manuscript]

(The authoress apologizes for this old and very bad joke. We now resume with your regularly scheduled fanfic.)

Amelia: The Dishonorable Judge Xellos presiding.

Xellos: This court will now come to order. Lina Inverse versus Princess Martina Zoana Mel Navratilova (1), case number 846 dash 9R7 dash Who the Hell cares. Before we begin, how does the defendant plead?

Amelia: Usually by grabbing onto the desired benefactor and crying like baby, Your Dishonor.

Xellos: Interesting… We will now hear opening statements.

Naga the Serpent: Your Dishonor before this goes any further I just want to say that I refuse to represent someone who is obviously not worthy of my time and request to be withdrawn from this case.

Martina: HEY!! I'm Princess of Zoana! How dare you speak of me in such a manner. The Monstrous Zoamelgustar (2) will curse you!!!

Xellos: The accused will refrain from uttering ineffectual curses at the attorney. Naga your request is granted. You are dismissed as Martina's lawyer. I guess I'll have to appoint a new defense attorney…

Vrumugun falls in through the ceiling.

Vrumugun: [blinks] How did I get here?

Xellos: Plot hole. You will be serving as Martina's lawyer.

Vrumugun: Do I get paid?

Xellos: An indecent amount of money.

Vrumugun: Okay then.

Xellos: Give your opening statement, and be brief. I have better things to do.

Vrumugun: Very well. My client is evil incarnate and…

Martina: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEFENDING ME!!!

Vrumugun: Am I? Sorry. Your honor I retract my previous statement.

Xellos: You mean it's not true?

Vrumugun: No, I just retract it.

Xellos: Oh. Stenographer let the record show that the statement given by the defense has been retracted.

Sylphiel: Which statement? The statement about Martina being evil incarnate or the admission that the statement concerning the defendants moral standing is true?

Xellos: Errr… why don't we just start over?

(A/N: Sounds like a plan to me…)

Chibi-Valgaav: REWIND AND EDIT!!

[ |<< ] [EDIT] [ RECORD ]

Xellos: We will now have the opening statements.

Zelgadis: Your Dishonor, I am here to prove that the defendant has maliciously stalked and harassed my client on numerous occasions and that my client deserves monetary compensation.

Vrumugun: And I intend to prove that my client was completely justified in her actions.

Xellos: Mmm… Since we've already established how the defendant pleads, I ask that the defense call their first witness.

Vrumugun: I call Zangulus to the stand.

Zangulus takes his place on the stand.

Amelia: [holds out a Claire Bible manuscript] Raise your right hand.

Zangulus: [does as he's told]

Amelia: State your name.

Zangulus: Zangulus.

Amelia: Do you swear?

Zangulus: Whenever I can get away with it.

Amelia: Good enough. [walks away]

Vrumugun: Please state your present occupation.

Zangulus: King of Zoana (3).

Vrumugun: Please tell the court about your wife.

Zelgadis: Objection! Relevance!

Vrumugun: Your Dishonor I am establishing the character of the defendant.

Xellos: What character? Nevertheless objection overruled. The witness must answer the question or be subjected to a Balus Rod (4).

Martina: [glares at Zangulus] Rrrrrrr…

Zangulus: Ummm… [looks nervously between Martina and Xellos] My wife is the sweetest, most gentle, demure, and kind individual I know.

Xellos: Are you lying?

Zangulus: [looks at the ceiling] Nooo….

Xellos: [shrugs] Okay then.

Vrumugun: Zangulus, have you ever been witness to any of the alleged stalking incidents that allegedly occurred?

Zangulus: No.

Vrumugun: No further questions.

Xellos: [to Zelgadis] Your witness.

Zelgadis: [stalks up to the stand as only he can and gives Zangulus a scathing look] Zangulus, would you please tell the court when you first met the accused.

Zangulus: It was about the time of the final battle with Hellmaster Fibrizo.

Zelgadis: So there was no way you could be sure that your wife didn't harass my client.

Vrumugun: Objection!

Xellos: Overruled.

Zangulus: Well… no…

Zelgadis: How long have you been married to the defendant?

Zangulus: About two years now?

Zelgadis: And how would you say your relationship is going?

Zangulus: [looks nervous] Err…

Vrumugun: Objection! Relevance!

Xellos: Sustained.

Zelgadis: [smirks] No further questions.

Xellos: Fine then. Zangulus you may step down. Vrumugun, call your next witness.

Vrumugun: The defense calls Lina Inverse to the stand.

Gourry: I object!! [is hit with the Hammer of Justice courtesy of Amelia]

Amelia: You don't get to object!

Lina: Than I object!

Xellos: On what grounds?

Lina: On the grounds that I'm hungry!

Xellos: Accepted. We'll break for lunch and then resume in half an hour. [bangs gavel]

Chibi-Valgaav: FAST-FORWARD!!!

[ >>| ] [ RECORD ]

Amelia: Court will come to order!

Xellos: Now that our bellies our full… Lina Inverse, take the stand.

Amelia: [once again has the Claire Bible manuscript] State your name.

Lina: The beautiful, genius sorceress, Lina Inverse.

Amelia: Do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you L-sama? (5)

Lina: Whatever.

Zelgadis: Now Miss Inverse, please relate to the court the crimes perpetrated on you by the accused.

Lina: Well she followed us around everywhere going on and on about her revenge and that made up deity of hers, Zoamelgustar. She stole items from my person twice, my headband and a gem, and put a curse on me. On top of that she made fun of my chest!!

Zelgadis: So she caused you both physical and emotional damage not to mention stealing your personal property?

Lina: Yes.

Zelgadis: Your witness.

Vrumugun: [walks over to the stand and looks Lina up and down] Is it not true, Miss Inverse, that the so called 'stalking' began after you utterly destroyed Zoana?

Lina: I wouldn't say that it was completely my fault…

Vrumugun: Yes or no, Miss Inverse?

Lina: Yes…

Vrumugun: Your witness.

Zelgadis: Miss Inverse, isn't it true that the destruction of Zoana was partially due to Martina's own ambitions?

Lina: Yes.

Zelgadis: Would you care to elaborate?

Lina: Gladly. The little trollop…

Vrumugun: Objection! The witness is slandering my client!

Xellos: Overruled. Martina is a trollop.

Martina: HEY!!! What kind of justice is this?!! I demand to be let out of this ridiculous kangaroo court!

Jury: [consisting of nothing but kangaroos] WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!

Zelgadis: Objection.

Xellos: Sustained. The accused will refrain from slandering the jury.

Martina: Okay, okay. I'm sorry…

Xellos: Continue Miss Inverse.

Lina: As I was saying, Martina was plotting world domination and had already made threats against Saillune. She had to be stopped.

Zelgadis: Thank you, Miss Inverse. No further questions.

Xellos: Vrumugun?

Vrumugun: No further questions, Your Dishonor.

Xellos: You may step down now, Lina. Anymore witnesses?

Vrumugun: Nope.

Zelgadis: I haven't got any.

Xellos: In that case, let's hear the closing statements. The prosecution goes first.

Zelgadis: Kangaroos and joeys of the jury, you have heard the defense try to persuade you that this [points at Martina] megalomaniac had no intentions of harming my client, when in fact, the very basis of Martina's association with my client was to inflict harm upon her. I ask you, should such wrongdoing go unpunished? No. That wouldn't be justice. And besides which, you can't let her get away with insulting you. The defense rests.

Xellos: Vrumugun, your rebuttal.

Vrumugun: [clears his throat] If it pleases the court, the defense wishes to refrain from giving a closing statement.

Xellos: On what grounds?

Vrumugun: The sooner this is over with the sooner I get paid.

Xellos: Works for me. Court will be in recess while the jury makes its decision. [bangs gavel]

Chibi-Valgaav: RECESS!!!

Exterior. A playground. -_-;;;

Lina and Gourry: [making a sand castle]

Amelia and Zelgadis: [on the see-saw, Amelia is stuck at the top because Zel is too heavy]

Xellos: [skipping rope. Armace and Rezo are holding the ends]

Philia: [comes out of the courthouse with a big bell] Recess is over! Everybody back inside!!

Others: Aww…..

Chibi-Valgaav: And now… ACK!!! [is kicked out of the way by Chibi-Fibrizo]

Chibi Fibrizo: The verdict!!

Interior. Same courtroom.

Xellos: Has the jury come to a decision?

Kangaroo: Yes we have, Your Dishonor.

Xellos: Well get on with it! I have things to do.

Kangaroo: We, the jury, find the defendant Martina Zoana Mel Navratilova to be guilty of all charges.

Xellos: There you have it. Martina I hereby sentence you to a beating with a Balus Rod and a year with the Naga clones (6).

Lina: [shudders] A fate worse than death…

Xellos: It is also the decision of this court that the sum of twenty thousand gold be awarded to the plaintiff. Case closed. [bangs gavel]

Martina: I WANT AN APPEAL!!

Xellos: Are you sure? The judge in the court of appeals is Jeffrey-kun (7).

Martina: [blanches] Never mind. If I go there I have to deal with his mother as well…

Xellos: Smart woman.

~Owari~

(1) This is Martina's full name. I looked it up. ^_^

(2) However the hell you spell it…

(3) Remember, Martina's father officially abdicated the throne at the end of Slayer's Next.

(4) I think this spell was only used once during episode 11 of Slayers which is too bad because I find it quite entertaining. "Hya! Hya! Call me queen!!!"

(5) I felt no need to do the same joke twice.

(6) Ooh hoo hoo hoo hooo!!!! Naga and the clones can only be seen in Slayers OVA #1. It's the annoying laugh that never dies!!!

(7) Jeffrey-kun and his very scary mother can only be seen in Slayers OVA #2. See if you can figure out where she keeps coming from. O_o

Additional stuff: Throughout this entire fic I was trying to resist the urge to put Wufei in here somewhere and have him scream "INJUSTICE!" I'm not really sure I should be glad that I succeeded.