Slayers Fan Fiction ❯ Lina's a Mean Bitch ❯ Lina's a Mean Bitch ( One-Shot )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Miguel appearing on the front of a movie theater stage and clearing throat: (Ahem!) Now that I have your attention folks, I would like to sing a song dedicated to the flat-chested, hot-tempered, and dragon spooker girl: Lina Inverse. I would also like to say-

(Gourry, Zelgadis, and Amelia running towards Miguel at a quick pace and stopped to catch their breath. Gourry was the first to regain his breath.)

Gourry: Ahhhh!!! Are you nuts saying those things about Lina, Kid!? I mean, do you realize what would happen to you if Lina ever found out that you are the one saying that about her?! Last guy who dared to do that ended up in a coma for about six mouths before he came to again!

Zelgadis: That's right, kid! If you ever spouted those words in front of Lina, then you're going to suffer a fate that's far worse than what that guy had to go through.

Miguel: Come on, guys! She's not as scary as the rumors say she is and I'm going to prove it by singing a song about how much of a bitch that she is-

Amelia: Mr. Arias! Do you have any idea what you're about to do?! I mean, if she hears you singing that song about her, then you'll-

Miguel: Awww! Come on, Amelia! Don't tell me that you guys are a bunch of chickens? I'm sure that Xellos of the Monster Race would love to hear the song that I have prepared for a person such as Lina Inverse. Right, Xello!

Xellos appears on stage right of Miguel: Well, of course, Miguel! I would love to hear exactly what you wrote about our little sorcery genius, Lina Inverse! I mean, anyone who sings that kind of song about her must have a really strong stomach and a lot of courage to do it! Would you mind if you sing to us that song now?

Miguel: Well, certainly, Xellos. I would be glad to sing it to everyone right now. Would you folks like me to sing it to you now?

Audience shouting and clapping their hands in approval: Sing it! Sing it! Sing it!

Gourry, Zelgadis, and Amelia screaming incoheritly with the crowds shouts.

Gourry, Zelgadis, and Amelia: Ahhhh! Don't do it!!! Please, we're begging ya!!!!

Miguel: Sorry, guys but the people have spoken and now here's my song called "Lina's a Mean Ass Bitch" which I remind you folks is the based on the song of South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut! Now without any further interrupts, here it goes!

Miguel clearing his throat once more and starts the songs words along with the music: Okay. Wwwwweeeeeelllllllll....!

(Filia suddenly appears on stage while using magic teleportation.)

Filia: Mr. Arias, please don't do this in the name of all that is good! Please, don't do it!!!

Miguel: Hmmmmm. Wwwweeeeelllll....!

(Jilias and Gravos suddenly appear on stage with a head-sized bomb in hand.)

Gravos: Don't you dare sing that song or otherwise we'll blow the place apart!

Jilias: That's telling him, boss!

Miguel: Oh! Oh, alright! I won't sing it!

(Miguel starts to walk out of the stage, which causes the audience to groan in disappointment.)

Gourry: (Whew!) For the moment there, I thought that the kid was really going to do it no matter what it takes to do it!

Zelgadis: Well, you can relax now that Miguel has left the stage, Lina won't have to hear the song for when she arrives in the theater.

Amelia: I'll say, if Jilias and Gravos hadn't appeared with that bomb like they did, then Miguel would've start singing that song a long time ago!

Filia: Well, I just hope that Mr. Jilias and Gravos don't set off that little bomb of theirs off. (looks at the two) Do I make myself clear, you two?

Jilias: But, Miss Filia, the bomb that the boss and I got was only a model of one of my old...!

Gravos covering Jilias's mouth with his huge scaly hand: Shhhhhhhhh! Be Quiet, you idiot! Do you want the kid to hear what just happen and start singing that....!?

(Miguel suddenly reappears on stage and starts singing the song with music as backup:)

Well, Lina's a bitch,
she's a flat chessed bitch,
she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world,
She's a stupid bitch,
if there ever was a bitch,
she's a bitch to all the boys and girls!

Gourry: Ahhhhhhh!! Miguel, please stop that song!

Amelia: Please stop while you still can!!

Miguel continues:

On Monday she's a bitch,
on Tuesday she's a bitch,
on Wednesday through Saturday she's a bitch,
then on Sunday,
just to be different,
she's a super King Kamehameha bee-itch!

Miguel: Come on, Xellos! Sing along with me and I'll teach you the words!

Xellos: Oh, alright, if you say so but only if the audience does it too!

Miguel: Oh, alright!

Miguel and Xellos continues the song along with the audience:

Have you ever met Lina Inverse?
she's the flattest bitch in the whole wide world,
She's a little ol' bitch,
and she has stupid hair,
she's a bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch,
bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch,
she's a stupid bitch,
Lina's such a bitch,
and she such a mean ass bitch!

Miguel:
Talk to kids around the world,
it might go a little bit something like this!

Audience sing the song in different languages:

(Singing in Japanesse)

(Singing in Dutch)

(Singing in German)

(Singing in French)

Miguel, Xellos, and audience singing:

Have you ever met Lina Inverse?
she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world,
she's mean little bitch,
and she has stupid hair,
She's a bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch,

(Audience and Xellos suddenly stops singing the song and gasp in fear as Miguel is left singing the rest of the song by himself.)

Miguel finishing the rest of the song:
bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch,
she's a stupid bitch,
Lina's a bitch,
and she's such a mean ass bitch!

I really mean it,
Lina Inverse,
she's a small, flat-chested bitch!
A small flat-chested bitch!
Liiinnnaaa! Yeah! Cha!

(Miguel soon noticed the entire Slayer's cast shaking in fear with heavy armor on and magical shields up for extra defense.)

Miguel: What's wrong with all of you guys all of a sudden?

(Gourry cowardly points behind Miguel's back and the boy turns around and saw a volcanic mad sorceress, Lina Inverse waiting to inflict all kinds of harm to our hero.)

Miguel: Holy S***!

(Miguel starts running from the stage and the theater with dragon-angered Lina Inverse coming after him with a variety of black magic spells fired at him.)

The End.