Slayers Fan Fiction ❯ Slayers meet Cthulhu ❯ If the Story doesn't end in this chapter, it's not going to end. ( Chapter 3 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

If the Story Doesn't End in this Chapter, It's Not Going To End

Gourry is tied to a big boulder, wearing only a loincloth.

Author' Disembodied Voice: Ooh, nice image! I should put images like
this in my stories more often. Oh, and the story kind of continued
without me, so to catch you up to date... Gourry is tied to a boulder
and is about to be sacrificed to Cthulhu. The WFP (weird fish people)
are trying to take Zel's clothes off. Since he keeps Rah Tilting them,
it isn't working too well. There's also an empty boulder next to
Gourry's and it's a safe bet that Zel's going to be put there as soon
as he runs out of power. That won't take very long, since judging by
the burn marks on the ground, he's cast lots and lots of Rah Tilts.

Zel: Aren't you planning to help us?

Author: I'm not materializing, and you can't make me. Anyway, it's
Xellos's job to save you.

Zel: Xellos! We're doomed!

Author: He'll show up. I threatened him with Barney.

The WFP start singing...

WFP: I love you, you love me...

Author: <singing loudly enough to be heard over the crowd> Libera me
Domine.

The WFP suddenly start singing the Libera Me from Faure's Requiem.

Author: Much better.

Gourry: If you save Zel, I'll do whatever you want.

Author: Gourry, that's so sweet, but I'm sorry, it has to be Xellos.

Gourry: <doing puppy dog face> Please.

Author: No. But a good try.

Zel: Hey, get your hands off there. Ack, not the pants! Stop it now!
Put me down and give me back my pants!!

Yup, you guessed it. Zel ran out of power. The author is laughing
hysterically. Suddenly Xellos pops in.

Xellos: Zel-chan, why didn't you tell me you liked bondage games? It's
much more fun with two.

Zel: As soon as I get out of these chains, you're dead.

Gourry: Um, Xellos, would you mind unchaining us?

Xellos: I can't. Well, not yet anyway.

Gourry: Why not?

Xellos: Sore wa himitsu desu.

Zel: I'll kill you, you damn Mazoku.

Author: That's a great idea, Zel. Threaten the only person who can
save you from Cthulhu. And here I thought Gourry was the dim one.

A very large door in the hillside begins to open. A slopping sound can
be heard from inside it.

Author: Here cones Cthulhu.

Gourry: Um, would somebody please unchain us? Xellos, anybody? At this
point I'll even take Rezo.

Author: Sorry.

Horrified screams are heard from both Zel and Gourry as Cthulhu comes
into sight.

Author: No, I'm not telling you why, because I'm not looking. Cthulhu
drives men mad, and I'm quite happy at just crazy. The horrified
screams continue as the slopping, glomping noise gets closer and
closer.

Xellos: Um, when am I supposed to save them again?

The author whispers in Xellos's ear.

Xellos: Okay, no problem. Um, slime doesn't stain, does it?

There is a very loud glomping noise from close by, and suddenly
Gourry's screams stop. Zel's screams intensify until everyone's ears
hurt.

Zel: GOURRY!!

Author: Gourry just got eaten, didn't he?

Xellos: Yep.

Author: Damn it! Xellos, you were supposed to unchain Zel just before
Gourry got eaten, so Zel could save Gourry and thus realize that
friendship is more important than a cure. I am never trusting you
again. Now unchain Zel!

Xellos: Should I save Gourry while I'm at it?

Author: Now that you've ruined everything, yes.

Xellos unchains Zel, and then dematerializes. He pops back in carrying
a bright red Gourry and a box of baking soda.

Author: Do not, I repeat, do not pour baking soda on Gourry. The
reaction will just do more damage to his skin. Go wash him off, and
make sure you don't traumatize him further. Zel, Gourry, I'm sorry.
How about a week in New Orleans to make up for it?

Zel: Where?

Author: They have great food, lots of alcohol, and it's the middle of
Marti Gras, so no one will give either of you a second look. Trust me,
you'll have fun.

Xellos: Can I come too?

Zel and Gourry: NO!

Author: Well folks, Gourry and Zel'll have a great time in the Big
Easy, and I'm off to sit on a bear rug in front of a warm fire and
cuddle with my favorite bishounen, Saphir. Hope you enjoyed my little
trip into insanity.