Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ CRONIES ❯ Sephiroth? Aeris? Punch Buggies? CONCLUSION!? ( Chapter 3 )

CRONIES

A triple team production by:

THE TRIPLE PEEPS

Apollo Alexandre, a.k.a. "Grand Master Shoma" (GMS)

Neusa Gaspar, a.k.a. "Judge Neusy"

Carlos Alexandre, a.k.a. "CMA" (CMA)

Judge Neusy: DISCLAIMER: We don't own these characters, but we own this fanfic. Don't steal it. Oh, Tails's four Super Flickies (from Sonic 3 and Knuckles) aren't ours, but the names we made up for them do. Please don't use them.

Grand Master Shoma [yelling like Mr. T]: Ah pity the foo who don't like mah unbuttonin' of jeans! [serious tone] No, really, it's hurting my bellybutton!

Judge Neusy: Get better jeans, you--anyway, read the first two Cronies chapters first, then Sonic Iron Chef (by us!), THEN this! And if you want, read Grand Master Shoma's stories with me co-authoring!

CMA: And now we begin!

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Dragonball Z Announcer: Previously, on CRONIES:

***

Sonic [panicking]: Oh my god, get SHADOW OUT OF THE CAR!!!

[The Volkswagen that Shadow was test-driving explodes.]

Shadow [not actually IN the car]: We lose more Volkswagens that way!

***

[Tails and Vectorman, wearing suits, are chasing down a psychotic killer.]

Random Person B [aka. psycho killer]: Don't come any closer! I'll shoot!

Vectorman [in his normal voice]: Oh my god, he's got a gun.

Tails [worried]: He's packing heat!

[Random Person B shoots the middle ball off of Vectorman's arm; it pops off.]

Vectorman [charging palm blaster]: I'm going to school you up your ass.

[Vectorman fires. Did he hit Random Person B? Yes. May he rest in peace.]

Vectorman [re-attaches ball]: Word.

***

[Eggman and Shadow are at the harbor for some reason. Equally strange is the fact that Eggman is jumping rope on a wooden dock.]

Eggman [singing a jump-rope rhyme as he, um, jumps]:

Strawberry shortcake

Blueberry pie

Give me the name

Of a very nice MACHINE-THAT-WILL-BE-ABLE-TO-DESTROY-SONIC-IN-ONE-HIT-OR-LESS!!!

A, B, C, D, E, F [falls through dock] uuuuuuuuuck!!!-- [splashes; his rope floats away, then sinks]

Shadow [indifferent]: Uh, you're rope's sinking, Eggman.

***

Dragonball Z Announcer [slightly baffled]: Um, yeah, I guess... now, on with our show!

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Day 4

00:21

Inside the Cronari

[Eggman has just finished explaining how and why he secretly boarded the back seat of the Cronari.]

Eggman: And that's the perfectly legitimate and sensible reason why I'm here!

Sonic [amazed]: Wow, now that I think about it, that IS perfectly reasonable!

Knuckles: I couldn't agree more!

Shadow: You're still the stealth master!

Tails: I've never heard a more perfectly reasonable and justified explanation! [thinking] Haven't we forgotten something?

Sonic: Other than bringing back the bank?

Knuckles [evil]: Hey, Rouge, not saying anything because you're still mad at me? Aw, poor little bitch!

Rouge [really pissed]: Hey--

Shadow [suddenly really loud]: BURN!

Rouge [sly look]: I'm not mad, I'm just upset at the fact that you won't be GETTING ANY, ANYTIME SOON!

Shadow [starts laughing hysterically]: HAHAHAHA, BURN--

Eggman [pointing forward, looking worried]: SEPHIROTH!!!

Sonic [scared]: He's CHARGING AT US!!!

[Meanwhile, in Sephiroth's black punch buggy...]

Sephiroth: They have defied me for the LAST TIME!

Amy [somewhat untied, can speak, can't really move]: Why didn't you leave us at your base!? Why'd you only drop off the panties!?

Aeris [still as cute and bubbly as ever, and still poking Sephiroth's face]: Sephy, you're getting road rage!

Sephy [angry]: Now is NOT THE TIME!!!

[Back in the Cronari...]

All in the Cronari [frightened]: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH--

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INTRO THEME SONG

by Knuckles's Rap Band

They were sittin', in a cafe one day

Then some weird-ass nut came and says the bank wuz bein' stolen

Shadow says "What?" Sonic says "Whoa!"

And the superhero posse wuz born

They'z the CRONIES

The name looks like Friends

But they ain't no "Phoebe"

What's up with that bitch?

Is she crazy or stupid--I dunno man, that's just whack

We talkin' about CRONIES!

And that's a fact!

Sonic's fast and freaky

Shadow thinks Sakura-chick died

Tails flyin' like a COPTA'

Knuckles is boring--he's guarding the Master Emerald

Rouge is stealin' it right now--dumb ass ho

Amy gets captured every episode

Eggman doin' the commercials

No one knows why!

They'z the CRONIES

Crime ain't got nothin' on 'em

Can't think of how to end this song

So we's is outa here!

(Instrumental)

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C ٠R ٠O ٠N ٠I ٠E ٠S

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COMMERCIAL

[AUTHORS' NOTE]

Remember that stupid IBM commercial with that gay-ass song "Do You Think You Really Want a Clone?" We hate that! And so, we bring to you, the people, this better version!

[END AUTHORS' NOTE]

Gay-Ass Song: ♪♫Do you think you really want a clone?♪♫

Tails: Of course I do! They're cheaper and more expandable!

Gay-Ass Song: ♪♫Er, um, do you think you really want a clone?♪♫

Eggman: They give you better choices than brand names, people! Buy clone--

[Eggman is cut off that stupid little nerdy white-trash little nerdy fuck.]

Little Nerdy Fuck [really stupid voice that rises then dips]: NOOOOOOoooooooo.

Eggman [getting angry]: Do you want to mess with m--

Little Nerdy Fuck [cuts off Eggman again]: NOOOOOOoooooooo.

Eggman [losing it]: IF YOU SAY THAT AGAIN, I WON'T BE RESPONSI--

Little Nerdy Fuck [again]: NOOOOOOooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOooooOO!!!

Eggman [cocks a shotgun, holds it two inches in front of little nerd boy's face]: Tails, stop me, I'm going to KILL HIM!

Tails [pondering]: ... ... ... nah, this is worth it.

Eggman: THANK YOU! [shoots the stupid little fuck]

Little Nerdy Fuck [dying, turns out to be a cloned robot]: nooooo...bzt...oooooo

Eggman: Wow, how's THAT for irony?

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

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Day 4

00:22

"The Streets"

[We're back! And, oh yeah, the Cronari got hit and flung. Luckily, the Cronies were wearing seatbelts. Remember, kids, seatbelts is cool! Oh, and they landed straight, with no damage to the Cronari. On the inside, however...]

Sonic [rubbing head]: Ow, my head!

Rouge [confused]: Hey, we landed perfectly!

Tails: How does logic explain that?

[They all look at Eggman]

Eggman: What am I, a doctor/scientist who wants to rule the world? [thinks for a second] Oh, wait, I am! Damn, I'm a sexy bitch!

Tails: Hey, I can kinda see Sephiroth about TO RAM US AGAIN!

[The Cronari gets rammed again, and goes sliding down the street.]

Rouge [gathering senses]: Hey, here's another logic-defyer: there are no other cars on this street! Are we in the twilight zone?

Sonic: Hey, let's just get out of here! We don't have to take this abuse!

Eggman: You say it, soul sista!

Sonic: Shadow, drive!

Shadow [having trouble moving the shifter]: I'm trying, but there's something clogging the gear shift! It looks like an Eggman hairball! [tries to take it out] It's too greasy! Don't you bathe?

Eggman [angry]: HEY! I'm the only one here NOT COVERED IN FUR!

Shadow [serious]: Then we have no choice. Tails!

Tails: Yes, sir!

Shadow [all happy]: Ooh, I like that! Take the wheel!

Tails: ... and?

Shadow: Go in reverse, you idiot.

Tails [pointing to an empty alleyway that would surely make a great place to hide]: But Shadow, there's--

Shadow: DO IT!

Tails: Fine. [mutters to self] I can't believe we're gonna die, here...

[Tails starts backing up the Cronari as Shadow gets out of the car and starts pushing.]

Tails: Shadow, what are you doing?

Shadow [pushing]: I'm pushing the car!

[As Tails back up, there's a mysterious beeping noise, like the kind that buses have when they go in reverse. It turns out to be Knuckles.]

Knuckles [really annoying]: BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP--

Sonic [really pissed]: KNUCKLES, SHUT UP!!!

Rouge: Wow, that's unattractive.

Shadow [struggling]: Stupid-- car-- why-- won't-- you-- MOVE-- [notices something] Hey, there's an Albino mouse on the street! SURELY Sephiroth wouldn't run over it!

[Meanwhile, in Sephiroth's black punch buggy...]

Aeris [poking Sephiroth's face]: Sephy, there's a cute little mousy! Don't run him over!

Sephy [evil]: I don't care!

[Sephiroth quickly and brutally runs down the cute little white-furred pink-eyed Albino mouse.]

Mouse: SQUEEEEEAAAAA--

Aeris [teary-eyed]: YOU KILLED THE MOUSY! THAT WAS MEAN, SEPHY! [punches Sephiroth really, really hard in the face]

Sephy [spits out tooth, losing control of car]: What the fuck!? Oh well, free money.

[Back to the Cronari...]

Shadow [looking over his shoulder]: I think that thing's losing control!

Tails: Shadow, I unclogged it! Can we drive forward now?

Shadow: NO! Keep going backwards!

Sonic [looks worried]: Um, Shadow--

Shadow: Can't you see I'm instructing the boy?

[Everyone in the car except Sonic and Tails is covering their eyes.]

Sonic: SHADOW!

Shadow: WHAT!? WHAT IS *SO* IMPORTANT THAT I HAVE TO LISTEN TO--

Sonic [freaking out]: GET IN THE CAR!!!

Shadow [all calm]: Why? [Looks back, sees the out of control black punch buggy careening directly towards the Cronari] Oh, crap.

[Shadow quickly boards the car and pushes Tails aside.]

Tails: OW!

Shadow: No time for you, boy! [Quickly puts the car into third gear, then rockets away, as Sephiroth's buggy crashes into whatever the hell was there--but somehow quickly regains control and starts chasing the Cronari at incredible speeds]

Knuckles: Wow, that little thing's catching up! We have to jettison something!

Rouge [angry]: How about you?

Knuckles: Oh, that is it! How about my fist up your--

Sonic: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! THE CHOICE IS EGGMAN!

Eggman [confused and irritated]: What!?

Knuckles [opens car door, lifts up Eggman]: It was nice having you with us, Eggman. [throws him]

Eggman [screaming and irritated]: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! MY HERNIA AGAIN! [gets knocked unconscious]

Tails [to Sonic]: And you wonder why he hates you!

Sonic: It could be the little things...

Tails: Like?

Sonic: Now is not the time.

Knuckles [panicking]: Oh my god, Eggman wasn't enough!

Sonic [getting brave]: We have no choice, then. WE RAM THEM!

Rouge: But, Sonic, we're ahead of them--

Sonic: I DON'T CARE! Just stop the car, they'll keep going, and BAM! End of freak-ass. And Amy.

Rouge: But we're here to save her--

Shadow: I'm gonna stop now! [Screeches Cronari to a halt]

Sonic [freaking out]: We don't have seatbelts on!

Knuckles [confused]: How did they come off?

Tails [also freaking out]: NO, NOT MY BABY! AAAAAAAAAAAHHH--

[The black punch buggy hits the Cronari. What happened? Sorry, scene change ahead...]

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Day 4

00:40

Inside a Mysterious Van

[Eggman is coming to, and in pain. He finds himself in a mysterious van.]

Eggman [groggy]: Uh, my head. My mouth is dry, and I have a bubble in my throat- [gurgles] ah, there it goes. Did I have a hangover? Is this Wednesday? Where am I?

Mysterious Voice: Shuddup, foo'!

Eggman: Hey, it's Mr. T! You saved me!

Mysterious Voice: Don't rhyme, foo'! I'm Barret! [points] THIS is Mr. T!

Mr. T: Shuddup, foo'!

Barret: Foo'!

Eggman: Mr. T times two? What am I on? [Eggman sees the familiar, heavily chained Mr. T hanging out with a bigger black dude with a vest, ripping muscles, and a chain gun for a hand.] What are you two doing around here?

Barret: We here to catch that Sephiroth fucker!

Mr. T: God, you know-nothin' foo'!

Eggman: Well, catch up to that Cronari! [points out the Van's window to the conveniently nearby, being rammed Cronari]

Mr. T: Waz a Cronari, foo'?

Eggman [angry]: I'm not going to explain things, just DO IT! I've got some people to beat up in there!

Barret: Daz coo', foo'!

Eggman: Too... many... incomplete wor... wor!? AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

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Day 4

00:45

"The Streets" (yes, again)

[Yep, the Cronari's still getting rammed.]

Sonic: Okay, THIS time--

Tails: Sonic, I think that we should just drive forward.

Sonic: QUITTER! Wait, that doesn't make any sense! No matter! Stop the car! Final time! Seriously!

Shadow: FINE! [stops car; as predicted, they get rammed again; Shadow keeps driving this time]

Rouge: I'm surprised that this car isn't really damaged, yet.

Knuckles: Well, aren't YOU Ms. realism?

Rouge [pissed]: Knuckles, what is your damn problem?

Knuckles [sad]: ... I'm lonely ...

Sonic: Wait, I've got an idea! I'm SONIC THE HEDGEHOG, dammit! I can jump from aircraft on a metal board, and then surf the streets! Not to mention being able to breathe in space.

Shadow: Your point being?

Tails [proud]: Sonic kicks ass!

Sonic: Thanks, Tails! But now I'm going to Homing Attack that punch buggy! [opens window, jumps to the roof of the Cronari, stands on top for a second of "dramatic wind blowing through hair/quills pose," then emits a war cry] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH [jumps, does his Homing Attack, but thanks to Sega's stupid glitches, he instead Homing Attacks a nearby lamppost.]

Rouge: Did he make it?

Knuckles [looking out of the window, depressed]: Well, if that lamppost was our enemy, then yes.

Sonic: AAAAAAAAAA-- WHAT THE!? [hits lamppost] OW! HEY, WHAT THE HELL? STUPID SEGA GLITCHES! [starts running at top speed beside the Cronari] GUYS, LET ME IN!

Shadow [casually opens window]: Sorry, there's no time.

Sonic: THERE'S PLENTY OF TIME, NOW OPEN UP!

Shadow [pushing away, by the face, a now-closer Sonic]: No, Sonic, we don't have time!

Sonic [getting tired]: TAILS, DON'T LETHIMTAKEOVERTHE [collapses] CARAVENGEME!

[As Sephiroth drives by the fallen Sonic, he finds it in his heart to roll down his window and cast BOLT 3 (Thundaga to you geeky importers) on our hero.]

Sonic [getting electrocuted, losing rings]: AAAAAAAAHHH, WHY ME-- I had rings?

Sephiroth [noticing fallen, out-of-nowhere rings]: Wow, that's not right. Stupid weird dimension!

Amy [from back seat]: Hey, that's my future boyfriend, hopefully! Stop the car!

Sephiroth [shudders]: Don't start. Wait a minute, he was the ring leader, no pun intended. Without him, the rest are helpless!

Aeris [poking Sephiroth in the face]: Really, Sephy? Are they really?

Sephy: Yes. You forgave me already?

Aeris [teary-eyed]: Oh, the poor mousy! I just got that out of my head! Stupid Sephy, you're bad! [pulls out anime-style 100 ton hammer and smacks his right hand]

Sephy [in pain]: AAAAAAAAAAH!!! [calm] My hand.

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Day 4

00:52

"The Streets" (*sigh*)

[Sonic is sprawled out on the empty streets.]

Sonic [groggy]: Oh, man, is that a van? [starts waving] Hey, I need a lift-- [gets grabbed by someone in the van] WHAAAAAAAA--EGGMAN!?

Eggman [really, really mad]: I HATE YOU! [punches Sonic] YOU TOLD KNUCKLES TO THROW ME OUT! [punch] I HATE YOU! [punch] AGAIN! [punch, punch, punch]

Sonic [bleeding]: Ow, what were those last three for?

Barret: Foo', don't attack your friend! [punches Eggman]

Eggman [collapses; weak tone]: He's... not my friend...

Barret: Oh, then I've got no beef with either of ya! [using conveniently allocated Restore Materia's Cure 3 spell on both Sonic and Eggman]

[Barret explains the situation.]

Sonic: So you guys are after Sephiroth, too?

Mr. T: Why you wanna know, foo'?

Sonic [angry]: Because he took our friend for NO REASON!

Barret: Hmm, that's odd. Usually he kills people.

[Sonic is worried slightly.]

Eggman: And that's why we have to catch up to that black punch buggy! And the Cronari 'cause I still have to beat people up in there!

Sonic: But you beat me up! Isn't that enough?

Eggman: No.

Sonic: What do you have against Tails?

Eggman [slick]: You tell me.

Sonic: What about Knuckles?

Eggman: Well, he threw me out of the car!

Sonic: Rouge?

Eggman: She didn't admit to being a secret government agent when we were trying to take over the world.

Sonic: And Shadow?

Eggman: I really have no beef with him.

Sonic: Tails?

[Eggman pauses for a moment, then suddenly punches Sonic in the face. Sonic collapses.]

Eggman: Now, ONWARD!

Mr. T: Whad he say, foo'?

Barret: Somethin' 'bout eatin' breakfast.

Mr. T: FOO'!

Barret: FOO'!

Eggman [losing it]: AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGH!

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Day 4

01:13

Further along "The Streets" (GOOD GOD!)

[During the intense chase, our heroes, followed by Sephiroth, stupidly somehow made their way back to Sephiroth's base.]

Shadow [looking at rear-view mirror]: Hey, I think he's stopping at his base!

Knuckles [sarcastic]: What gave him away, him parking his car?

Rouge [sarcastic]: Taking Amy inside...

Tails [sarcastic]: ...sneaking inside like Solid Snake?

Rouge [seductive voice to Tails]: I love a man who agrees with me!

Tails [cocky]: About time.

[Knuckles, in anger, grabs Tails by his tails and flings him out the window.]

Knuckles [yelling out window]: WAS NICE HAVING YOU WITH US, TAILS!

Rouge [angry]: Knuckles, what was that for?

Knuckles: We needed more room.

Shadow: Never mind! [skids car violently, doing a complete 180]

Rouge: You know, we ARE in the middle of the streets.

Shadow: I'm aware!

[Tails, removing his face from the street, is suddenly being levitated, by his shoes, by an unknown force.]

Shadow [confused]: The FUCK!?

Tails [suspended upside-down in mid-air; worried]: Guys, help me! [happy] WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Shadow: My GOD! It's the MOVE CARD! Oh, man, I'm going to capture this!

Knuckles: First of all, what in the blazing blue hell are you talking about? Secondly, you don't have a Clow Staff. Thirdly, we have to save Amy!

Rouge: Y' know, she must be REALLY pissed at us for taking so long! We could have saved her two, maybe three days ago, but then Eggman and his "commercials"--

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COMMERCIAL

Little Boy A [showing off a completed Gundam model]: Level 1. Gundam. 3 hours.

Tails [showing off a very complicated Gundam model]: Level 5. Gundam. 1 minute and 45 seconds.

Little Boy B [tubby kid not showing off anything]: Gundam, level 4. ... [pats stomach] I thought it was a Wing-Ding.

Eggman [showing off three Gundam models]: Gundam, levels 1, 3, and 5. Total time: 4 months, 2 hours, and 35 seconds. I couldn't find the head for the level 1. That's why it took four months. [suddenly angry at the level 1 model] I'll kill YOU! [starts "strangling" the Gundam]

Tails: I bet I could beat you in a level 1 Gundam building contest!

Eggman: YOU'RE ON!

Bob [crappy Scottish accent]: But, sir, t' isn't part o' the--

Eggman: SHUT UP, this got interesting!

[They start building identical level 1 Gundams. They're neck-in-neck, until Eggman takes the lead. Just as he's about to win...]

Eggman [spazzing]: Where's the head? I CAN'T FIND THE FRICKIN' LEVEL 1 GUNDAM'S HEAD--

Tails: Finished!

Eggman [looks to the floor, where he finds the missing head by his toe]: I LOOKED TWO SECONDS AGO AND YOU WEREN'T THERE! [grabs the head and starts biting it] OH, MY TOOTH! Let this be a lesson, kids: don't buy Gundam models! They'll just make you mad!

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

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Day 4

01:25

Sephiroth's Base

[Within Sephiroth's Base, a mind is slowly going crazy...]

Amy [on the verge of tears]: I want to go home. Why aren't they here? I've been this chick's plaything for almost *three days*--

Aeris [giddy]: LET'S PLAY SCHOOL! I'M THE TEACHER!

Amy [starting to twitch involuntarily]: Listen, Aeris. I'm going to kill you. I'm going to kill everyone. ESPECIALLY THE CRONIES!

Aeris [poking Amy's face]: Really, Amy? Are you really?

Sephiroth [watching from afar]: Uh-oh... [puts on earplugs]

Amy [lost it]: YES! YES I AM! [starts violently poking Aeris face with both index fingers] IS THIS ANNOYING? NO, BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST SO HAPPY! HEY, MISS TEACHER, I GOT A QUESTION FOR YOU: SHUT UP! SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH!

Sephiroth [cringing]: Uh-oh, if she's this angry, then... [takes off current earplugs, and puts on Omega earplugs]

Aeris [giddy]: What's bothering you? You don't get fractions?

Amy [berserk as she tackles Aeris to the floor]: YOU DON'T GET IT, DO YOU!? DO YOU!!!??? [punches Aeris]

Sephiroth [starts giggling]: Hehe, Amy's on top of Aeris! Sa-weet!

Amy [faces him with death eyes]: THIS IS NOT THE TIME--

Sephiroth [quickly]: Sorry.

Aeris [still giddy but bleeding]: I'm sorry too, sunshine!

Amy [insane]: SUNSHINE!? AAAAARGH!!! [dismounts Aeris, runs out the back door]

Aeris [pondering]: Wow, that girl's got problems. She should cool down. [poking Sephiroth's face] Hey, Sephy, this means she isn't our hostage!

Sephy [angry]: The hell she isn't! [he and Aeris go after her]

[Meanwhile, outside, Shadow is trying to get the Move Card. What!? That's not right...]

Shadow [screaming like an idiot at one-thirty in the morning, holding a golf putter]: RETURN TO YOUR POWER CONFINED! MOVE CARD!!!

Tails [sees incoming putter swing]: Um, Shadow, watch your aim-- [gets conked in the brain by putter] You're supposed to hit air, you idiot!

Shadow: Whoops! Shit! Hey, isn't that Amy?

Tails [landing, giving a friendly "hello" wave to Amy, who is approaching at incredible speed] Hi, Amy!

Shadow: Hmm, looks like she's charging right at us! [Amy full-speed tackles Tails] Hmm, looks like she charged right at you, Tails!

Amy: WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU!? [punches Tails repeatedly for like five seconds, then points to Shadow] AND YOU!? WHAT THE HELL KIND OF DRIVING WAS THAT? WE WERE RIGHT BEHIND YOU FOR GOD KNOWS HOW LONG! YOU COULDN'T HAVE JUST STOPPED, GOT OUT, AND KICKED THE CRAP OUT OF THEM! IT'S FIVE AGAINST TWO!

Tails [wait for it... bleeding, confused, irritated, etc.]: What? What's going on? Who's talking? Sonic? Rouge?

Amy [starting to slightly calm down]: Speaking of which, where's that damn boyfriend of mine?

Shadow: Um, he's not your boy--

Amy: SHUT IT!!! [gets mad at Tails again, whom she is still on top of] AND YOU! IF YOU WERE A GIRL, TAILS, SONIC WOULD BE IN LOVE WITH YOU!

Shadow: That, I didn't need to hear.

Amy [snaps]: SHUT IT!!! I HAVEN'T HAD SLEEP FOR DAYS! I DESERVE A BOYFRIEND! I'M NEVER GOING TO GET LAID!

[Shadow, Tails, Knuckles, and Rouge all look at her strangely.]

Tails [still kinda dazed, but trying to be kind]: I'll sleep with you, Amy--

Amy: Quiet, you're in la-la land, still! [points to Knuckles and Rouge]: AND YOU TWO! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO--

Knuckles [acting like an indifferent jackass]: Hey, SHUT up! Sweet Jesus, cry me a river!

[Suddenly, Sephiroth bursts through the base's outer wall as his eerie opera chants play again.]

Sephiroth: Give back our hostage.

Opera Voices [formerly Eerie Voices]: Sephiroth! [drums/bells playing] Sephiroth!

Knuckles: NEVER!

Sephiroth: Fine. [pulls out the Masamune, his really long katana, out of nowhere] Now you die.

Rouge: Oh, great! We're gonna die because of Knuckles! I hope you're happy!

Knuckles [angry]: Hey, don't start bitchin' on me!

[Our heroes notice a familiar voice screaming in panic. It starts very faint, but gets louder, until...]

Sonic [still as a distant scream]: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAH-WE'RE-GOING-DOWN!

[Mr. T's van lands, hood first, on Sephiroth. Sonic, Eggman, Barret, and Mr. T are flung from said van.]

Sonic [who got thrown through the windshield]: OW! The hell! I thought I was wearing a seat belt!

Eggman [landing beside him]: They're rubber bands, what do you expect? You're cheap, Mr. T!

Rouge [confused]: Here's yet ANOTHER logic defyer: how were you guys flying?

Eggman: Now that one IS really logic defying. We were using Float Materia.

Sonic [angry]: Until EGGMAN threw it OUT THE WINDOW because he thought it wasn't working! And you're supposed to be smart!

Eggman: Hey, scientific experiments have to be tested!

Barret: Shuddup, foo'! Where Sephiroth at?

Sonic: Um, I think we crushed him with the van.

Aeris [teary-eyed]: Oh, Sephy! You guys are evil!

[Suddenly, a slash streak cuts through the van. The van stays motionless for a second, and then, anime-style, it flies apart into two clean-cut pieces.]

Sephiroth [glowing a light eerie blue; holding his sword like he just swung it, which he did]: You called, babe?

Sonic [panicking]: Dear God! Nothing kills you!

Sephiroth: Damn right. Now to rain desolation upon the streets.

Knuckles: Where's that blonde spiky-haired kid with the giant sword who can kill you with a single Omnislash?

Sephiroth: Probably boning Tifa. And that was a plot battle.

Knuckles [Australian accent]: Crikey! Now that just sucks! [End Australian accent]

Rouge: What are you doing?

Knuckles: Getting down with my ancestral roots.

Sephiroth: Enough stalling. We fight.

Aeris [happy]: Go Sephy! I'll be your cheerleader!

Sephy [irritated]: Not now...

Eggman: She's a happy cheerleader! KILL HER! KILL HER DEAD!

Aeris: Uh-oh.

[Suddenly, everyone except Sephiroth tackles Aeris.]

Sephiroth: Alright, I guess I'll start things off. [Uses Float magic to lift everyone off of Aeris.]

Eggman [floating]: I think I lost weight!

Sonic [looking down]: Oh, no...

[Sephiroth drops everyone to the rather hard concrete.]

Sephiroth: Leave her alone. She's with me.

Tails [in pain]: Sonic, how are we supposed to beat him?

Sonic: I know I've never backed away from a fight before, but [shrugs shoulders]

Shadow: Some hero YOU are!

Sonic: And what are you doing to help?

Shadow [thinking]: I'm, um, going... to... start the car... so I can... run... away... from.. the battle. He he he. [thinks again, realizes Sonic heard him] D'oh!

Sephiroth [smiling]: Oh, really? [Runs at the Cronari and attempts to cleave it in half, but instead the Masamune breaks.] WHAT THE!?

Sonic [amazed]: Tails! What did you make that car out of?

Tails: Adamantium.

Rouge [sultry voice]: I love a man who makes vehicles out of a made-up metal from the Marvel universe!

Knuckles: [grabs Tails and places him in front of Sephiroth]: Here, he can die first!

Tails [frightened]: Help...

Sephiroth: I don't need a sword to defeat the likes of you. No, wait, I did need that sword. I really did.

Barret: Whaddaya talkin' 'bout, foo'? You got magic, martial arts, and yer super-strong!

Eggman [angry]: YOU IDIOT!

Barret [realizes his error]: Shit! [runs away]

Sephiroth: Oh, yes, thank you for reminding me, insolent mortal.

Amy: I don't care how long it takes, Sonic. You're going to defeat Sephiroth so that I don't EVER have to see HER again!

Aeris [happy]: HI AMY! Hey, Sephy, can I make you invincible so that they have no chance of beating you so that we can take Amy back? Hey, here's an idea! Let's have a tea party! And EVERYONE'S invited!

Sephy: I'll take the invincibility, but can the rest.

Rouge: CRAP!

Sonic [to Eggman]: Where's one of your big fancy machines when we need it, Eggman?

Eggman [disappointed]: I left it in the kitchen...

Aeris [gathering power, preparing her Level 4 Limit Break]: GREAT GOSPEL! [The aura of Great Gospel replenishes all of Sephiroth's health, magic, and split ends, then makes him near-impervious to damage, even more so than he already is]

Sephiroth: Fuck this. FIRE 3!

Knuckles [bending over]: Hey, I think my shoe's untied. Oh, wait, my shoes don't have laces, [fire ignites his dreads] they have metal plates. [running in circles like a scared chicken-type bird] AH! MY HAIR'S ON FIRE! MY HAIR'S ON FIRE!

Sonic: KNUCKLES, STOP, DROP, AND ROLL!

Knuckles [freaking out]: THERE'S NO TIME! [fire grows all of a sudden] AAAAH! [drops and rolls] ROUGE, PUT ME OUT WITH YOUR NAKED BODY!

Rouge [offended]: That's only for the cold, you idiot--

Knuckles: IT CAN WORK BOTH WAYS! [his rolling eventually puts it out, but leaves little burnt spots]

Sephiroth [still shooting magic at the dodging Cronies and friends, getting bored]: Oh, fuck this. [Dashes at Mr. T and KO's him with a swift kick] That wasn't much of a fight.

Mr. T: FOO'! [knocked unconscious]

Shadow [upset]: Mr. T!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Tails: Why do you care?

Shadow: I'm showing sympathy, you jackass!

Tails: But you don't care!

Shadow: Yeah you're right. Tails, think of something, quick! You're smart n' stuff!

Eggman: Yeah, c'mon!

Tails [thinking]: Hmm... [snaps finger] Got it! Doesn't Great Gospel wear off after a minute or so?

Eggman: You're a genius, I could kiss you! [grabs Tails and kisses him on the lips]

Sonic [gagging]: YOU POISONED HIM! Amy, distract Aeris.

Amy: NO! How about him [points at Eggman] or ANY of you?

Eggman: Fine! [calls to Sephiroth] Oh, Sephy!

[Sephiroth looks disgusted, then realizes something. He looks at Aeris.]

Sephiroth: Oh, no...

Aeris [burning rage]: Only I call my Sephy SEPHY!!! [Bats Eggman with her staff. Eggman is sent flying high into the sky]

Eggman [disappearing into the distance]: AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa [voice fades, and we hear a little Team Rocket sparkling "ding" noise]

Sonic [calling up]: GODSPEED, EGGMAN! Oh my god, she's going after him!

[Aeris runs off into the horizon, chasing Eggman.]

Rouge: Tails, think of something else, quick!

Knuckles [while Tails is thinking]: I know what can stop him! FIRE!

Rouge: But he's casting Fire magic on us, you idiot!

Knuckles: Then what about golf clubs? The four-woods are the deadliest ones!

Tails [snaps finger again]: Got it!

Knuckles: See! SEE! He's as stupid as me!

Tails: No, while you were rambling, I was thinking! Let's all turn super and kick the crap out of him!

Knuckles: I know who can't turn super: Rouge.

Rouge [angry]: Knuckles, stop being a bastard! I have the--er, I mean, I DON'T have all seven Chaos Emeralds on me right now, hehehe...

Knuckles [looking at Rouge sternly]: Rouge...

Rouge [getting nervous]: Um, don't stare at my breasts. Yes, that's it... Aw, fine, here's your damn emeralds! [Drops the seven Chaos Emeralds on the ground] Happy!?

Sonic: Yes, thank you.

[Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, and Shadow gather around the Chaos Emeralds and start to glow.]

Sephiroth: Oh, crap, this can't be good. And I think Great Gospel wore off. Wait a minute, I was almost GOD once! I can take them!

[In a brightly-colored flash, Sonic turns into Super Sonic, Tails turns into Super Tails (complete with four Super Flickies), Knuckles turns into Super Knuckles, and Shadow turns into Super Shadow.]

Knuckles [glowing purple/red/pink]: Oh, man, I forgot what this felt like!

Rouge [giggling]: You're the same color as Amy!

Knuckles: QUIET! [punches ground, sending a shockwave that trips up Rouge and slightly frightens Sephiroth]

Sonic [glowing yellow]: Stop it.

Knuckles: Damn.

Tails [glowing whitish, sorta (we can't really describe it)]: YAY! [commands his Super Flickies] Go get him! Terry! Barry! Joey! Yamazaki!

[The Super Flickies, glowing bright yellow like Super Sonic, start pecking Sephiroth.]

Sephiroth [swatting air]: JESUS! FUCK OFF, stupid birds!

Sonic: C'mon, Shadow! Let's warp him into the sun!

Shadow [glowing silver-ish in the parts that used to be black before]: Mr. T would've wanted it that way!

Mr. T [regaining consciousness]: NOT DEAD, FOO'! BUT GETTING' THE HELL OUTA HERE! [runs off into the night]

[Sonic and Shadow warp to either side of Sephiroth, then use Chaos Control to warp him to the center of the sun.]

Shadow: We did it!

Knuckles: We rule!

Tails: I wanna go to bed!

Amy: I wanna turn super! I wanna go home! YOU GUYS SUCK! WHY DIDN'T YOU DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE!?

Knuckles: Hey, don't be bitching again!

[Suddenly, a taxi pulls up, and out comes Sephiroth.]

Sephiroth: That was kinda warm.

Sonic: DEAR GOD, NOTHING KILLS YOU!

Rouge: Why don't you all just do what Tails suggested and kick the crap out of him!?

Sonic: Fine! CHARGE!

[Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, and Shadow, still in super form, are flying straight towards Sephiroth, when...]

Sephiroth [holding his hand in front of his face, casting...]: Ultima.

Sonic [scared]: Oh...

Tails [frightened]: ...my...

Knuckles [trying to change direction]: ...SHIT!

Shadow [sighing]: Well, if I die, I'll see you all in hell!

[Our heroes are enveloped by an expanding green field of raw magic power. It expands further, makes a giant explosion sound, then fades away. Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, and Shadow are on the ground in non-super form.]

Rouge: Anyone notice that this is turning into an episode of Dragon Ball Z?

Amy: That looked painful. GOOD, THEY DESERVED IT!

Shadow [struggling to speak]: ...OOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!! DAMMIT THAT HURT!

Sephiroth: A shame, really. This was beginning to get interesting.

Tails [in pain]: Why do you have to make this so dramatic?

Sonic [big hurt]: Just kill us already! Christ!

Sephiroth: I was just getting to that. [hears a faint screaming] What the!?

Eggman [distant voice getting louder]: aaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAH MAKE WAY FOR EGGMAN!

[Eggman lands right beside Sephiroth. Yes, Eggman flew around the world.]

Sephiroth: Glad that wasn't me. But that means...

[Sephiroth sees, much too late, a girl in pink running at breathtaking speed.]

Aeris [rage]: THERE YOU ARE! TAKE IT BACK! [mistakenly hits Sephiroth over the head with a staff swing intended for Eggman]

Sephiroth: Down I go. [collapses, loses a second tooth]

Aeris [rage-to-sad]: Oh, Sephy, you lost your tooth! [holding Sephy's head in one hand and his tooth in the other, trying to put the two back together]

Sephy [annoyed]: Guh... stop that!

Sonic [sees his chance]: NOW!

[Our heroes quickly turn super again, and hit Sephiroth with their most powerful, um, stuff, all at once. A huge explosion later...]

Sephiroth [tired and beaten]: Why do I always taste defeat at the hands of heroes with yellow spiky hair? It matters not. I will now be a tailor! Yes! I'll do good in this world! At competitive prices! Thank you, Cronies, you've shown me the light!

Sonic [powering down]: Yeah, we tend to do that!

Aeris [giddy, poking Sephiroth's face]: Sephy, I can be your waitress!

Sephy: Um, you sure can!

Aeris: Hey, Amy, wanna--

Amy: NO! You're lucky I don't have Tails make me something to kill you with!

Shadow [whispering to Tails]: Get the bottle opener out of here.

Tails: Done.

Barret [returns with nachos]: HEY, FOOS', I BROUGHT BOUNTY--UM, I'LL GO HOME NOW!

Dragon Ball Z Announcer: Stay tuned for scenes from the next CRONIES!

______________________________________________

COMMERCIAL

Soap Opera Narrator: And now, the Days of Eggman!

[Corny soap opera intro music resembling Days of Our Lives]

Sonic [watching this live in the studio as Eggman directs]: What!?

Eggman [megaphone in Sonic's ear]: QUIET, YOU!

Sonic: OW! My ears!

Shadow: Ooh! That's harsh!

Eggman: And ACTION!

[Scene begins. Eggman, in the scene (not the director), is being played by Matt LeBlanc from Friends. Tina is being played by Jennifer Love Hewitt from many crappy movies.]

"Tina" [concerned]: Eggman, I can tell something's bothering you. Please tell me! Don't you trust me?

Sonic [gagging]: This really sucks...

Shadow: Shh, I don't want to miss anything!

Sonic: Huh?

"Eggman" [quotes means the Matt LeBlanc Eggman; dramatic, totally *not* Eggman voice]: You want to know what's wrong? I know you're not really Tina! You're her TWIN SISTER!

"Tina" [melodramatic gasp]: No!

"Eggman": And another thing: I know that you and the bank manager want to ruin my life! Well, I'm not going to let you! Now, if you don't mind [opening a door] I'm going to conquer the world! And stop that dastardly hedgehog!

"Tina": But, Eggman, don't you care about your child, EggJu?

"Eggman": He was never mine!

"Tina": How could you say that?

Shadow [crying]: That's so beautiful...HOW COULD HE DO THAT?

Sonic: Shadow, if you hate me, you'll kill me!

Shadow [hugs Sonic]: I LOVE YOU, MAN!

Amy [walking on set]: What the hell!? An Eggman soap opera?

Eggman [the director/real Eggman]: CUT! Now, change to the next scene!

[Next scene: a man and a woman are in a park kissing. Their names aren't known to anyone but the director and the actors, yet.]

Eggman [real one]: Okay, ACTION!

Guy: Time to stop Eggman again! I'm so sinister! [evil laugh] HJA!

Sonic: Was that guy supposed to be me? I don't say "HJA!"

"Sonic" [formerly just Guy]: Time to ruin Eggman's life! HJA!

"Eggman" [LeBlanc jumps down from a tree]: I'd know that sinister laugh anywhere!

Sonic: That's a laugh?

Eggman [real one]: Just like the real thing, eh Sonic boy?

Sonic: What?

"Sonic" [the Guy]: Oh, no, don't hurt me Eggman! I'll join your Eggman Empire! Please!

"Eggman" [LeBlanc]: You're the last soul alive!

Shadow: Pardon?

Amy: That didn't make any sense!

"Eggman" [LeBlanc]: Now you die, evil Sonic! [vaporizes him with a special gun-type thingy]

Sonic: Well, the special effects were good, at least.

Eggman [real]: Um, YES, that's what it was! Special effects! Yep! A guy didn't just die on my set!

Sonic [looking at Eggman strangely]: You're an odd one...

Eggman [real]: Thank you!

"Eggman" [LeBlanc; takes the girl into his arms]: Now we can be together!

Girl: I love you, Eggman!

"Eggman" [LeBlanc]: I love you, Amy!

[Amy, while drinking a can of Pepsi (cheap plug), spits almost all of it out wide-eyed.]

Eggman [real]: Just like in REAL life!

[A half-hour later]

Sonic: I don't get it! That plot made no sense!

Shadow: Sure it did! You see, Evil Tina and Princess Tina were one and the same! But Normal Tina and Tina Tina didn't like this. So Tina Tina hired Normal Tina to kill Evil Tina who is really Princess Tina.

Sonic: You're an idiot.

Amy: I think I'm gonna be sick.

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

______________________________________________

Dragon Ball Z Announcer: On the next episode of Cronies...

***

[Random Person A walks into Sephiroth: Tailor of Death (Sephiroth's new small business, plus they sell hot dogs, so that Aeris could be a waitress)]

Random Person A [loud, annoying voice as usual]: HEY, SEPHIROTH, YOU MESSED UP THE STITCHING ON MY PANTS!

Sephiroth [unsheathes Masamune2 and holds the blade up to Random Person A's neck]: The hell I did. Now get out.

Aeris [giddy in skimpy waitress outfit]: Don't forget to buy a hot dog!

Vectorman: Word...

***

[Vectorman and Sonic are playing chess]

Vectorman: I tell you: teachers these days just want more money. [moves queen] Check.

Sonic: Really, now? [moves bishop] Checkmate! Wow, I won!

Vectorman [charging blaster]: The hell you did! [fires; Sonic barely dodges, but the bishop is destroyed]

Sonic: My bishop!

Vectorman: Word...

***

[Eggman is jumping rope dangerously close to the edge of the Grand Canyon. Shadow is watching.]

Shadow: Dammit, Eggman, you know something's going to happen!

Eggman: Pish-posh! [breaks into the Spanish Dancer jump rope game]

Spanish Eggman

Do the twist

The twist, the twist!

Spanish Eggman

Do the jump

The jump, the jump!

Spanish Eggman

Turn around!

Around, [falls into canyon], ArouAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

Shadow [calling down]: YOU FELL, EGGMAN!

Eggman [still falling]: I'M AWARE! GET THE EGG VIPER!

Shadow [confused]: What's an Egg Viper?

Eggman: AAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh-- [light splat noise]

Vectorman [next to Shadow, shaking head]: Humorous...

***

Dragon Ball Z Announcer: Next time, on Cronies!

______________________________________________

THE END... for now...again...one more time...