Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ CRONIES ❯ The Inter-Companions Saga Conclusion! ( Chapter 5 )

CRONIES

A triple team production by:

THE TRIPLE PEEPS

Apollo Alexandre, a.k.a. "Grand Master Shoma" (GMS)

Neusa Gaspar, a.k.a. "Judge Neusy"

Carlos Alexandre, a.k.a. "CMA" (CMA)

Judge Neusy: DISCLAIMER: Any characters mentioned in this story that are not the distinctive likenesses of anyone else--including, but not limited to, Sega, Sonic Team, Nintendo, etc.--were created by us, and may not be used without our permission. All characters and distinctive likenesses not created by us are the property of their respective owners.

Grand Master Shoma: We need African drums, so we can sing:

♪♫And I'll never have that recipe AGAIN, AGAIN--♪♫

[gets punched by Carlos] OW!

[Several hours later]

GMS: Oh, YEAH, that's heaven!

CMA: What are we doing?

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Day 4

13:23

Tails's Pad/Mystic Ruins Base

[It's been a few days since Amy's departure. The gang is... still watching TV, letting their many skills deteriorate (trust us, this'll factor into the story later). Specifically, they're watching the A-Team.]

Eggman: I like the A-Team 'cause it's witty and Mr. T can break down walls! [angry] Damn Face, always getting the ladies! WHY CAN'T I LICK SOME TWAT!?

[Everyone in the room is disgusted yet again.]

Sonic [losing it]: Several reasons, Eggman...

Eggman: Speaking of which, Sonic, why does your laugh sound like "HJA?" It's such a stupid laugh, I'd say. I wonder if you're gay?

Sonic [confused]: What are you talking about!? Not once, in my fifteen years of life, have I ever--and I mean EVER--said "HJA," never mind saying it to YOU.

Eggman: Sure you have! In fact, when I leave--which won't be for quite a while--you'll say "HJA, that Eggman sure is stupid!" [freaks out at the thought and charges Sonic] STUPID, AM I!?

Sonic [little time to react]: NO! WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM!? [gets tackled]

Knuckles [kinda sad]: Things suck without Amy. At least she would have tried to maintain a semblance of order. Granted, we'd never listen, but she'd try.

Rouge: Why do you care? You just wanted Amy to make you sandwiches--

Knuckles [politely interrupting]: Sammich, Rouge. It's Sammich. [gets booted by Rouge] Damn, that hurt.

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INTRO THEME SONG

by Knuckles's Rap Band

They were sittin', in a cafe one day

Then some weird-ass nut came and says the bank wuz bein' stolen

Shadow says "What?" Sonic says "Whoa!"

And the superhero posse wuz born

They'z the CRONIES

The name looks like Friends

But they ain't no "Phoebe"

What's up with that bitch?

Is she crazy or stupid--I dunno man, that's just whack

We talkin' about CRONIES!

And that's a fact!

Sonic's fast and freaky

Shadow thinks Sakura-chick died

Tails flyin' like a COPTA'

Knuckles is boring--he's guarding the Master Emerald

Rouge is stealin' it right now--dumb ass ho

Amy gets captured every episode

Eggman doin' the commercials

No one knows why!

They'z the CRONIES

Crime ain't got nothin' on 'em

Can't think of how to end this song

So we's is outa here!

(Instrumental)

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C ٠R ٠O ٠N ٠I ٠E ٠S

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[AUTHORS' NOTE]

Judge Neusy: I have nothing to do with this commercial. GMS actually LIKES Yu-Gi-Oh, and Carlos only hates two things more than he hates Yu-Gi-Oh, specifically two movies: Resident Evil and Artificial Intelligence. EEEeee...

[END AUTHORS' NOTE]

COMMERCIAL

[Eggman is in the middle of a card battle with Yugi.]

Yugi [NEVER SHUTTING THE FUCK UP]: Behold, Eggman, I have used Dragon Buttocks to fortify my Blue Eyes White Dragon's ass! With it, it can withstand the force of any attacks that are aimed at his ass! I have done this because... well, it's a long story! When I was five, I was near a fountain...

[Five hours later...]

Yugi: ...said to me, "Yugi, you drunken little shit! Stop groping my sister! She's in a coma!" So *I* said--

Eggman [losing it]: If you don't SHUT UP, I'll show you how to REALLY win a battle: my gun in kill-loser mode aimed at your head! Initiate! [fires gun; Yugi dies]

Bob: Ach! Sir, in THIS world, you win by card-battling!

Eggman [indifferent]: Yeah whatever. [feeling comical] Well, it looks like more than Yugi's Life Points reached zero; SO DID HIS PULSE! HAHAHAHAHA [laughing ass off] If Sonic were here, he'd laugh along with me! HJA, he'd say!

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

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Day 4

13:26

Inter-Companion HQ (Fist's apartment)

[Amy is happy with her new life. She's also in the shower. No, we're not going to describe the scene, you perverts. That's for us to know.]

Amy [to herself]: I'm so happy here! I'm useful for clerical work, I have my own office and computer, an Inter-Phone--although that name is pretty dumb--and a new sexually active relationship with Spike. [Amy thinks back on last night] I kinda miss some of the Cronies, but I'm happier here!

[Amy showers, dries off, dresses, and joins the rest of the team in Fist's Mythical Crystal room. Fist is playing Spike the Porcupine Advance by new game company Odnetnin. It plays surprisingly similar to Sonic Advance.]

Amy [to Fist]: How's it going?

Fist [into his game]: Okay, I guess. I just need two more Order Gems to stop the evil Nagoogueean [pop noise] from keeping order in his planet. I just can't wait to see the ending!

Spike [walks into the room with the rest of the group, pecks Amy on the cheek, then speaks]: Alright, gang, we have a new mission! That old space colony ARK has been orbiting Earth for a while now. However, its Eclipse Cannon is down, but the threat of someone trying to reactivate it remains! We're to board the colony and prevent anyone else from activating and using the cannon. Amy, you've been inside the colony, right?

Amy: That's right, when Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles boarded it to stop the cannon.

Spike: Good. Can you handle being our guide?

Amy [smiling happily]: You bet! But how are we going to get there?

Hunter [sarcastic voice]: I don't know. Horseless sleigh?

Darky [thinking]: That might just work...

[Two hours and one horseless sleigh construction later (it's powered by the Mythical Crystal)...]

Hunter [wiping brow, as he did most of the work]: Wow, that's surprising...

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Day 4

15:30

Tails's Pad/Mystic Ruins Base

Eggman [standing near some empty 2-litre milk cartons]: Tails, I think we should leave your house.

Tails [a little confused]: ... All of us?

Eggman: Yes, we could use the exercise. Oh, and, Tails? You're out of milk!

Tails [angry]: Did you drink it all? I had 5 cartons there! [realizes something] YOU DRANK TEN LITRES OF MILK IN FIVE MINUTES?

Shadow [disgusted]: Good lord, Eggman! Seriously, what is wrong?

Eggman: Calcium, baby! How do you think I'm so surprisingly fit? [Eggman's stomach emits a gross-sounding rumble]

Tails [taking a step back]: Eggman, are you okay? That was TEN litres!

Eggman [feeling sick]: Oh, the milk is curdling in my stomach! I'm going to be crapping out cheese tonight!!!

Shadow [turns away in sheer disgust, then turns back to Eggman]: DUDE, FUCKING GROSS, MAN!!! I DIDN'T NEED TO FUCKING HEAR THAT!!!

Knuckles: You know, I've said some REALLY stupid things in my life, but there's a line even I won't cross. Eggman, not only did you CROSS the line of revulsion, you THREW UP on it!

Eggman [groaning on the floor, suffering]: Just get me to a bathroom, quick!

Tails: Oh NO! NOT IN MY BATHROOM! We're going to the mall now! You can devalue their property.

Eggman [looking up at Tails]: You are a king amongst men...

Sonic: Whatever, just don't fart! I don't really want to smell the consequences...

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Day 4

15:59

Inside "The Mall That Never Closes"

[Eggman makes a mad dash for the bathroom when they arrive. People run out screaming and occasionally fainting. The rest of the gang are looking around, doing nothing in particular.]

Sonic [like a giddy tourist]: Wow, it's the La Senza that Sephiroth went to!

Knuckles [feeling evil]: Hey, Rouge! Slutty outfit at 9 o'clock! [points to a pair of nipple and crotch covers with hearts]

Rouge [eyeing the outfit]: Picking out clothes for yourself again, Knuckles?

Shadow [hearing a strange and annoying ringing]: Sonic, are you buying an alarm clock?

Sonic [not even in a store]: No. Why'd you ask?

Shadow: I could SWEAR I heard a strange ringing--[hears it again] THERE IT IS AGAIN!

Sonic [heard it]: Yes, what was that?

[Sonic and Shadow see a paper-thin pitch-black figure window-shopping. It's badly animated and liquid crystal.]

Sonic: Is that... Mr. Game and Watch?

[Game and Watch rings his alarm bell, like his taunt in Super Smash Bros. Melee.]

Knuckles [angry]: Oh, you think you're better than us, eh Nintendo-boy?

Tails: Knuckles, stop it! He's just minding his own business.

[Game and Watch gives a thumbs up, indicating that he agrees with Knuckles.]

Tails [pissed off]: Oh, so you're better than us, then? [grabs Knuckles and throws him at Game and Watch, who gets hit by said echidna]

Rouge [playing with Tails's three hairs; speaking seductively]: I love a man who beats up Knuckles and uses him as a living projectile...

[Tails is very happy.]

Knuckles [getting up; very jealous]: Oh, yeah? Well, I guess I'll throw myself! [Is about to launch himself into a window when he is suddenly head-butted by Game and Watch.] NOOOOOOOOOOO-- [flies through a window]

Shadow [standing in front of Game and Watch]: You little piece of pre-Master System shit! NO ONE head-butts Knuckles but ME! Take your best shot!

[Game and Watch uses his Judgment move. The hammer hits Shadow cleanly, but Game and Watch is holding up a "1," so Shadow doesn't even flinch.]

Shadow [laughing]: HAHA, that tickled, do it again!

Sonic: Don't get cocky, Shadow--

Shadow: Oh pish-posh!

[Game and Watch hits Shadow with Judgment again. This time, the liquid crystal fighter is holding up a "9." Shadow is sent flying at incredible speed.]

Shadow [flying off]: AAA-- [flies through the same window that Knuckles broke]

Sonic [a little worried]: Wow, he didn't even finish screaming! Is this the untimely end of the Cronies? [looks at Game and Watch] Probably not, we're just being lazy.

[Suddenly, the elevator dings, and out comes a full-sized steamroller, being manned by Knuckles. We don't know how it fit.]

Knuckles [driving towards Game and Watch]: Mind your own business after being CRUSHED! HAHAHAHA...

Rouge: Um, Knuckles, he's completely flat--

Knuckles [blind to what Rouge meant]: Of course you think he's flat, Rouge! LOOK at you! Everything's flat to you!

Rouge [speaking really fast]: Knuckles I'll kick your ass later but that's not what I meant--

[Knuckles rolls over Game and Watch. Game and Watch gets up two seconds later.]

Sonic [slapping own forehead]: You know, guys, this is really bad for Sega's rep...

[Game and Watch--badly animated--dusts off each arm, then gives two middle fingers to Knuckles, accompanied by the ringing taunt.]

Knuckles [confused]: He has fingers?

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COMMERCIAL

[Eggman, taking a leisurely walk, is being stalked by the Klondike Bar commercial people.]

Jingle: ♪♫What would you do for a Klondike Bar...♪♫

Klondike Bar commercial guy [here thereafter known as "KB-Guy"]: Mr. Eggman!

Eggman [stopping; angry]: That's DOCTOR. Whaddaya want?

KB-Guy: Would you jump up and down for a Klondike Bar?

Eggman [odd look; answering as if it were a stupid question]: No!

KB-Guy: Would you act like a monkey?

Eggman [same tone]: I'm not even going to dignify that with a response...

KB-Guy: Would you kill a man?

Eggman [at the camera]: It's called PRIDE, people! Look, I'm going down to the corner-store and I'm going to purchase the relatively cheap Klondike Bar! Goodbye!

KB-Guy [intimidating tone]: NO ONE denies us a commercial! You'd better do as we--

Eggman [shoots KB-Guy pretty quickly]: Go to hell! [Grabs the fallen Klondike Bar; realizes that he killed a man for one] Oh, god, I've sunk to his level! [takes a bite] This is SHIT! [throws it away and buys a Popsicle] Now THIS is worth killing over!

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

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Day 4

16:05

Space Colony ARK

[The Inter-Companions have arrived at the Space Colony ARK via horseless sleigh. They're quite resourceful, aren't they?]

Darky: This is dark and creepy.

Fist [angry]: Do you know what I'm sick and tired of? The injustice in this world!

Mr. Chicken Man: Aren't we all.

Fist: And do you know what I am going to do up here? I'm going to use my Mythical Crystal to destroy everyone in my apartment building, where MOST of the world's injustice dwells.

Amy [needing a second to absorb what she heard]: What!? But I thought we were up here to stop this colony from causing more harm?

Fist: Oh, we plan to! AFTER the sinners have been punished! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA [and it goes on like this]

Amy [whispering to Spike]: What's this about, Spike?

Spike [sad look]: I'm sorry, Amy.

[Suddenly, a cute little birdie (in the abandoned space colony?) lands on Hunter's arm.]

Hunter [eyes the bird for a moment, then...]: I have a very low tolerance for these animals. [wildly, violently chomps away at the bird, eating it; blood is everywhere]

Amy [genuinely afraid; backing away from the Inter-Companions]: What's going on, here?

Spike: Sorry, Amy, but we haven't been entirely honest with you. We USED to be major superheroes, but we've long since realized that humanity isn't worth saving.

Mr. Chicken Man [suddenly a lot scarier]: So we will kill them all. The innocent and guilty alike. Life will return to zero, and WE will create a NEW world.

Darky: You're a good person, Amy. You can be part of the new world order.

Amy [struggling to find words]: But, what... um, er-- but-- AHA! What about your Chao? They're still on Earth! You wouldn't kill them, would you?

Darky: Heavens, no! They've already been teleported on!

Amy [non-believing look and tone]: What?

[Suddenly Kooky and Maid appear.]

Kooky [polite]: Hi!

Maid [polite]: Hello!

Amy [looking at Violet]: And what about you, Violet?

Violet [slowly approaching Amy]: Well, Amy, I'm in on all this, but--even though it has NOTHING to do with any of this--I have a long history of seducing young girls. [speaks seductively] What do you say, Amy? Ever been... curious?

Amy [blushing, actually considering it]: Well, I guess--NO!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! WHAT AM I DOING HERE!? [points at the group] YOU'RE ALL SICK!!! [glares angrily at Spike] YOU USED ME, SPIKE!!! I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!!!

Spike: But I do, Amy! We can rule over a pre-selected area of Neo Earth!

Amy: YOU ALREADY HAVE A NAME FOR IT!? [runs off, hoping to lose the Inter-Companions within the colony that she knows about somewhat]

Darky: She knows too much. Should we kill her or hope she comes around?

Spike [shakes head]: Amy...

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Day 4

16:06

Inside "The Mall That Never Closes"

[Game and Watch is still engaging the Cronies. Shadow is still MIA.]

Tails [facing off with Game and Watch]: You and me, liquid crystal bitch!

Knuckles [being annoying]: That's not threatening at all, you little pansy!

Tails [angry, but continues speaking to Game and Watch]: I'm on to your plans! I'm the smartest one here! AND I can fight--

Knuckles [being REALLY annoying, like those ass-fans at baseball games]: TAAAAIIIIILS... TAAAAIIIIILS...

Tails [turns to Knuckles]: You know what, Knuckles? You've been physically and mentally abusing me since chapter 2! I felt bad when I said I could kick your ass, AND THAT I ALREADY DID TWICE, in chapter 1! Now, readers probably think I'm some kind of wimp--[dodges a popcorn bag thrown by Knuckles; Tails loses it]--THAT'S IT! TAILS BEATING KNUCKLES, THE HAT TRICK VERSION! [flies into Knuckles; pummeling Knuckles]

Knuckles [getting beat up; trying desperately to parry some blows]: STOP IT TAILS! I THOUGHT YOU WERE DOING VERY WELL! I, ER, WAS JUST HAVING FUN! [gets hit some more; Knuckles starts crying] STOP, I'M BEING EMASCULATED IN FRONT OF ROUGE! I NEED A GIRLFRIEND!

[Game and Watch shrugs while beeping. He starts walking away.]

Sonic [yelling out]: This is pathetic! We're losing to MR. FREAKING GAME AND WATCH! We should be able to destroy him! Rouge, get in there!

Rouge [filing nails]: What? Why don't YOU do anything?

Sonic: Because, since you were a Crony, you haven't fought anyone other than your fellow Cronies!

Rouge [sighing, throws away nail file]: Very well. [gets into fighting stance] I'm ready.

[Game and Watch turns back to see one more competitor. He dashes at her, only to have her dodge and pummel him with a series of lightning fast kicks. One back-roundhouse kick later, Game and Watch is floored.]

Sonic [cheering]: You go, girl! Kick that, um, er, YEAH!

[Rouge stomps the ground so hard that Game and Watch lifts a little off the ground. She dashes in quickly and kicks him up, then follows with her Devil Screw Kick. Game and Watch falls and seems to be defeated.]

Rouge [sighing again]: There you go, people! It wasn't THAT hard!

[Suddenly, Shadow comes screaming through another window.]

Shadow: --AAAAAAAAAAAAH LOOK OUT FOR ROUND-THE-WORLD SHADOW!!! [crashes into Rouge]

Sonic: Oh for the love of-- [grabs Game and Watch and flings him into the men's bathroom. Some desperate chiming and a toilet flush later, Eggman emerges]

Eggman [relieved]: OH MAAAAAAAAAAN, THAT'S HEAVEN!!!

Sonic: Eggman, you defeated Mr. Game and Watch apparently!

Eggman [confused]: Game and Watch? I thought it was just an overly black and animated piece of toilet paper! Before flushing it, I used it to wipe my a--

Sonic [holding hand out, looking away]: NO, EGGMAN! That's quite enough! [looks at the Cronies, who are all recovering and gathering near Sonic] As for the REST of you, I'm ashamed!

Rouge: You didn't DO anything--

Sonic: Any ONE of us should be MORE than a match for Mr. Game and Watch! As a team, he shouldn't even TOUCH us! But we've got lazy Shadow, Tails and Knuckles were fighting, and Rouge--well, you actually did okay, Rouge, but the REST of you need training!

Shadow: Who made YOU top honcho?

Sonic: IT WAS DECIDED SINCE DAY ONE!

Shadow: YEAH, BY YOU! I want another vote! Who's with me? [no one raises their hands] Jackasses...

Eggman: Hey, guys, I have a feeling that the Cronari's video monitor is beeping with a message from the space colony ARK.

Tails [eyeing Eggman]: And this is just a feeling, Eggman--

Eggman: Yes.

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Day 4

16:15

Sewers

Mr. Game and Watch [caught in turbulent waves; screaming in monotone raspy voice]: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo-- [voice fades]

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Day 4

16:16

Inside the Cronari

[The Cronies are listening to a desperate Amy from the Cronari's sophisticated video monitor communications system. Amy just told them about the Inter-Companion's plan on the space colony ARK.]

Amy [panicking]: C'mon you guys! They're going to kill everyone! The guilty and innocent alike!

Eggman [grumbling to himself]: Stupid innocent moochers--

Amy: And now I think they want me dea-- [Amy gets cut off by static; soon the signal is lost entirely]

Sonic: Ah, dammit.

Knuckles [angry]: Hey, people! SHE left US, remember? She didn't make my sammich, remember? So she deserves to die! [gets booted by Rouge three times] What!? It's true! I'm still waiting for my damn sammich! If Amy makes it, I'll consider saving her life!

Rouge: Make your own damn "sammich."

Knuckles: It's SAM-MICH. [gets booted]

Tails: Hey, Eggman, let's just use your teleporter!

Eggman [whining]: Oh, but then that means we have to go through Cosmic Wall, and I don't feel like activating my mech!

Juki and Shade [one on each of Eggman's shoulders out of nowhere]: Bitch, bitch, bitch. Get a move on, fat ass!

Eggman [surprised that they're on him]: Then let's get a move on!

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Day 4

16:17

Cosmic Wall

[The Cronies--slightly amazed that they arrived at Cosmic Wall so quickly--are planning their next move.]

Tails: Okay, first things first--let's split up into teams.

Eggman [raising hand]: Can I name the teams--

Tails [interrupting]: No. Since Rouge and I actually cared that Amy left, we'll go find her.

Juki: What about us?

Shade: We cared!

Tails: This is true, but we need you two to go with Sonic and Shadow to find the Inter-Companions and stop their plans of Armageddon.

Juki [happy]: Yay! We like destruction!

Shade [happy]: Sweet!

Tails: Eggman and Knuckles [looks at Eggman, who's scratching his ass, and at Knuckles, who's shadow-boxing] will go do whatever, since don't give a fuck. Or, they could go take care of Mr. Game and Watch, who's on that not-so-distant platform!

[Game and Watch gives the middle-finger/ringing taunt again.]

Sonic: Oh NO! Not him again!

Tails [voice of authority]: Move out, people! [Tails and Rouge go in one direction, while Sonic, Shadow, and the Chao go in another.]

Eggman [pulling out a really big beam gun]: I GOT HIM! DIE! [fires a huge beam at Game and Watch, who absorbs it in his bucket.] A smart one, are you? [fires like ten or fifteen follow-up beams; Game and Watch absorbs them all]

Knuckles: You fool, Eggman, you gotta hit'em with lightning! [Knuckles casts Thunder Arrow on Game and Watch, who absorbs that, too.]

Eggman [noticing that Game and Watch is eerily glowing and charging up something]: Knuckles, I have this stupid feeling that he's about to fire everything we threw at him right back at us.

Knuckles [clueless]: Really?

[Game and Watch fires a giant Dragon Ball Z-style lightning beam at our heroes. The beam also hits a good portion of ARK, causing it to shake.]

Mysterious blue-clad human [standing away from the battle, but watching it intently]: Well, this universe is my home-away-from-home, now, so it's time to save the day!

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Day 4

16:36

Inside the ARK Near the Cannon's Core

[Sonic, Shadow, and the Chao have made their way into Cannon's Core.]

Sonic [observing the ARK's shaking]: Something's going down, Shadow! We have to hurry!

Shadow: Sonic, why do we always fight on vacation!?

Sonic: This is a vacation!? We're preventing the apocalypse, AGAIN!

Shadow [teary-eyed]: This is why we can't have nice things--

Shade [on Shadow's shoulder]: Daddy, I smell other Chao!

Juki [on Sonic's shoulder]: Me too!

Sonic: Are you sure you aren't smelling each other?

Juki: We're serious!

Darky [appearing in front of our heroes]: I'd say your Chao are just about correct.

Shadow: YOU! Go on, Sonic, I'll take care of this phony me!

Sonic: But, Shadow, you're a phony ME--aw, screw it! [Takes both Chao and runs onward]

Darky: Shadow, you and me are a lot alike. You were born on this colony, and I wasn't. You had a hard life, and I grew up with a rich family in the nice part of Beverly Hills...wait, we're NOTHING alike! But we're both sophisticated men--

Shadow [interrupting like a goof]: AAAHAAAAAAA!!! We're NOT men!!!

Darky [taken aback]: Um, that's not what I was getting at; you kinda ruined my train of thought here; oh, to hell with it, let's resolve our differences with a friendly game of Operation.

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Day 4

16:37

Inside the ARK Somewhere

[Violet is holding a seduced Amy in her arms. Hunter is beside the two.]

Violet [sexy voice]: Yes, Amy, give in to your inhibitions... [to Hunter] Get the gun.

Hunter [sniffing air]: A second, Violet... I smell a fox nearby. It's the same one that we saw on Earth. But HERE, no one can stop me! [sees Tails and Rouge approaching; darts at Tails] DIE, FOX!!!

Tails [suddenly sees many teeth; rears back as Hunter takes him down; holding back Hunters head with hands]: What the!?-- Oh god! Rouge, you have to videotape Amy and the other chick doing it! I'll buy you time!

Rouge [a little shocked]: Riiiiight, Tails... why don't I save Amy instead?

Tails [fighting off Hunter]: Whatever, just make it quick!

Rouge [walks up to Violet and shoves her away from the entranced Amy]: You okay, Amy? [Amy, still entranced, starts passionately kissing and groping Rouge; Rouge tries to verbally protest, but her pleas are muffled]

Violet [getting turned on]: Wow, this is great!

[Hunter and Tails are still at each other's throats, but have stopped struggling and are now watching the two girls as Rouge is getting into it.]

Tails [to Hunter]: I'll get the chairs, you get the popcorn!

Hunter: Consider it done!

[As the scene continues, Tails and Hunter are each sitting on a sofa eating popcorn at abnormally fast rates.]

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Day 4

16:50

Inside the ARK Near the Cannon's Core

[Shadow is sweating as he is concentrating on removing the butterfly in the stomach of the Operation guy.]

Shadow [to himself]: Focus Shadow... be one with the cut-up patient... patience... patience...

Darky [starting casual conversation]: So, Shadow--

Shadow [getting zapped; losing it]: THAT'S IT! [grabs the Operation board and starts shoving it into Darky, zapping him repeatedly]

Darky [trying to fend it off]: Shadow, this is really annoying! I thought we were civilized men--

Shadow [continuing his assault]: I TOLD YOU, WE AREN'T MEN!!!

[Somewhere close, Mr. Game and Watch hears the repeating zapping noises nearby. Entranced, he follows it to Shadow and Darky's little "match."]

Shadow: I'll zap you good! [Game and Watch snatches away the Operation board] Hey, fucker! I'll kill you! [Game and Watch holds the board close for a moment, then runs off with Shadow in hot pursuit]

Darky [rubbing his face]: I must play my part in this grand drama... [runs after Shadow, who is running after Game and Watch, who is headed towards Cannon's Core...]

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Day 4

16:52

Cannon's Core

[Sonic and the Chao have just arrived at Cannon's Core's emerald shrine. There are no Chaos Emeralds, but the Mythical Crystal is in the center of the shrine and glowing.]

Sonic [leaping into the middle of the shrine]: Shouldn't the Master Emerald go here? This is a SMALL crystal--

Juki [tugging at Sonic's arm]: Um, daddy--

Sonic: Juki, daddy's pondering!

Juki [tugging harder]: Daddy, someone's here!

Shade [tugging other arm]: Pay attention, dammit!

[Sonic turns to see the cross-armed form of Spike the Porcupine and the Inter-Companions' two neutral Chao.]

Spike: Welcome, Sonic the Hedgehog!

Sonic [narrowing eyes]: You DO know who I am, AND that I made up Inter-Companions!

Spike: What!? No, Inter-Companions was a coincidence. We were all drunk, but--anyway, yes, Sonic, everyone knows you. I needed to get you angry so that you'd be less inclined to help your cute pink girlfriend.

Sonic: Um, why does everyone assume that I like Amy because I tell her that I'm not interested? Look, I'm REALLY ACTUALLY NOT INTERESTED IN AMY! HOW MANY MORE WAYS DO I HAVE TO TELL PEOPLE THIS?

Spike: Five more ways should do, but we have to fight now. Kooky, Maid, sic'em.

[The two Neutral Chao and Juki and Shade start comically fighting, Chao Karate style.]

Sonic: You're not really evil, are you Spike? Then why all this?

Spike [getting ready for long-ass villain explanation of why they do what they do]: You see... [punches Sonic in the head; Sonic recovers but lands on the giant ring where Shadow fought the Biolizard. Spike and Sonic are running around it at incredible speed, trading blows.]

Juki [getting tired]: Oh, man, are we done yet?

Shade [getting tired; shrugs]: Let's watch Sonic!

Juki [watching Sonic and Spike fight at high speed]: This is getting me dizzy...

Shade [watching the fight]: It's like a choo-choo train--

Juki [suddenly mad]: No it's not!!!

[Shade screeches as he pounces Juki. Kooky and Maid look on, shaking their heads.]

______________________________________________

Day 4

16:54

Amy and Rouge's Make-out Spot

[Violet is smoking a cigarette after... having enjoyed the show. Tails and Hunter are still eating popcorn, watching the two now-naked chicks go at it. Tails is videotaping everything for future blackmailing material.]

Tails: Um, Hunter, we're out of popcorn.

Hunter: What? [loses it] FOXES MUST DIE! [tries to pounce on Tails, who dodges this time]

Tails [throws Hunter into a wall; Hunter stands up]: Incompetent fool. You're dealing with TAILS! HAHAHAHAHA [stops laughing] That was mean...

Hunter: Thank you, Tails! By beating the crap out of me, you've shown me the light!

Tails [recalling Breath of Fire 4]: So, let me get this straight: you lose all faith in humanity's ability to right its wrongs and live well in general, UNTIL someone kicks the crap out of you? [Hunter nods] Interesting... I'll call this the Fou-lu Theory.

Hunter: But how do we separate your two friends?

Tails [calling out]: HEY, ROUGE AND AMY!!! YOU'RE BOTH KISSING EGGMAN!!!

[Rouge and Amy bolt apart, look at each other's naked bodies, and quickly dress up again, not saying a word to each other.]

Rouge [to Tails]: Um, fox-boy, what did we do?

Tails [quickly hiding his camera]: Uh, nothing. Rouge, if you beat up Violet, she'll become a good guy! Amy, Hunter, follow me!

[Suddenly, Fist and Mr. Presario Chicken Man burst through one of the ARK's metallic walls, cutting Tails off.]

Mr. Chicken Man [arms crossed]: That's far enough.

Fist: Hunter, you traitorous son of a bitch!

Hunter [growling]: Don't make me rip out your lungs, dude.

Fist: You're capable of lung-ripping?

Mr. Chicken Man: You were going to be vice-president of Neo Eurasia. [pulls out giant ass gun, and cocks it like a shotgun] But now, that can never be--

[Mr. Chicken Man is interrupted when, through another metal wall, Knuckles and Eggman emerge.]

Eggman [oblivious]: Hey guys, what's shaking? [sees the giant gun] OH, Jesus, I'll be back later--

Mr. Chicken Man [aims gun at Eggman]: Oh no, you don't. No one escapes from Uncy Chicken Man!

Eggman [freaking out]: Did you just call me gay!?

Mr. Chicken Man [confused]: No, I didn't! [gets tackled by Eggman; the gun flies away] OH LORD!

Knuckles: Hey, Fist, over there! [points AT Fist]

Fist [looking at Knuckles's finger]: What are you talking abou-- [gets KO punched] Oh... [passes out]

Knuckles: Ha HAH! He's dead-ilicious!

Fist [coming to slightly]: I'm... not... dead... Thank you... Knuckles... you've... shown me the... light... [gets punched again, and passes out again]

Knuckles: I SAID you're dead-ILICIOUS!!! Now where's Sonic!? EGGMAN, HURRY IT UP!

Eggman [slapping Chicken Man repeatedly]: Oh, very well! [points to Chicken Man] You're the luckiest Chicken Man in the world!

Mr. Chicken Man: I'm the ONLY Chicken Man in the world--

Eggman [slaps him again]: Don't be smart!

Mr. Chicken Man [groaning]: Um... thanks... you've shown me the light, and such...

Eggman [to Tails]: Tails?

Tails: Fou-lu Theory. We beat them, they love us. Now, Eggman, Amy, Rouge, Knuckles! Let's catch up to Sonic!

______________________________________________

Day 4

17:12

Cannon's Core

[The four Chao have stopped fighting and called it a draw, even though Kooky and Maid said that they saw the light or something. Now all four of them are watching Sonic and Spike fight.]

Sonic [breathing heavily]: Give up, bitch?

Spike [breathing heavily]: You're really rude, you know that?

Sonic: Oh, look who's talking, Mr. Seduce-a-twelve-year-old-superhero-team-secretary-as-part-of-a-grand-plot-t o-destroy-everyone-on-Earth!

Spike: You DO like her!

Sonic: NO! I seriously, seriously don't! She takes my calls! No one else will! Shit, do I have to draw you a diagram? 'Cause, seriously, I WILL!!!

[Meanwhile, the cavalry has arrived.]

Tails: We've come to help you, Sonic! And we got Amy back! And some videos for later!

Amy [angrily looking at Tails]: What videos?

Tails: Nothing. SONIC, BEHIND YOU!!!

Sonic: Huh? [gets pushed into the ground face first by Spike] Ow, that HURT! No fair, Spike! I was talkin'!

Spike: Don't talk during a fight!

[Suddenly, Game and Watch runs in, carrying the Operation board game. Shadow is running behind him, and Darky is behind Shadow.]

Spike: Darky! Where's the rest of us?

Tails [smiling]: They've seen the light! They're going back to Earth!

Darky: Actually, that's a relief! We should give up now, Spike! This was all a bad idea, anyway.

Sonic [confused]: What!?

Shadow [chasing Game and Watch]: Come on, we're in the middle of an Operation!

Sonic [confused further]: You're a surgeon, Shadow?

Shadow: I'm not an MD, it's the game!

[Game and Watch throws the Operation game rather abruptly into Shadow, then turns and starts firing liquid crystal sausages.]

Shadow: Look out! They have liquid crystal MSG!

Eggman: OH GOD! ONE OF THEM'S STUCK IN THE CANNON'S CONTROLS! WE CAN'T STOP IT! AND I CAN'T EAT IT! OH THE HUMANITY!!!

[Game and Watch then runs to the top of the shrine, and channels the Mythical Crystal's power into his bucket.]

Tails: Oh no! He's channeling and redirecting the power so that it completely destroys Earth!

Mysterious blue-clad human [heroic voice]: I'll save y'all!!!

Sonic: Who?

Rouge: What?

Amy: Where?

Knuckles: How?

Tails: Why?

Shadow: When?

Eggman: EGGMAN!!!

Captain Falcon [formerly mysterious blue-clad human]: Yes, it's me, Captain Douglas Jay Falcon! [impressively flips a Game and Watch unit around like a baton, then points the unit's screen at Mr. Game and Watch] Mr. Game and Watch, return to whence you came!!!

Mr. Game and Watch [freaky voice; getting sucked into the unit]: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-- [gets absorbed]

Captain Falcon [playing on the Game and Watch unit]: Woohoo! You never know where this crazy puppy's gonna go!

Sonic: Captain Falcon? Why are you here?

Captain Falcon: Haven't you heard? Sega's making the next F-Zero game! I'm scoping out my new home-away-from-home!

Sonic: Well, that's great and all, but can you stop Earth's destruction?

______________________________________________

Day 4

20:00

On Earth, outside of Tails's House

[The Cronies, along with Eggman, the Chao, the re-enlisted Amy, and Captain Falcon, are standing in a group. They're facing the reformed Inter-Companions.]

Tails: Wow, Captain Falcon! That was a miraculous save! I can hardly believe it!

Rouge: Agreed! It's hard to believe that you, Knuckles, and his rap crew saved the day like that! It was so amazing, and so simple at the same time! Brilliant!

Eggman: It was actually some of the best work I've ever seen done! MAN, was it awesome! Too awesome for words!

Sonic: You got that right, Eggman!

Spike: Indeed. But we must be off. There are places that need good superheroes, now that the Inter-Companions are good again!

Darky: Like New Jersey?

Spike: Indubitably. [to Amy] Sorry to have captured your heart falsely, Amy--

Amy: That's okay, I'm used to disappointment in my life.

Spike: Indeed.

Mr. Chicken Man [as the Inter-Companions, sans Amy, walk off into the sunset again]: Goodbye, Cronies. And thank you! Perhaps we'll meet again!

Eggman: Hmm, probably not. [the Inter-Companions are now out of sight; Eggman turns to Amy] Amy, it's important to learn something from all this; when you zip up your pants, DON'T get any pubic hairs or extremities caught in the zipper! I watched "There's Something About Mary" recently, and MAN, did that look like it hurt! I was vomiting for weeks! [moment of silence] Well, see ya. [walks off in obscurity... into Tails's House]

Sonic [running and yelling after him]: Get the hell outta there, porky!

Eggman [from inside Tails's house]: Did you just me a uvula?

Amy [sighing]: Oh, well. [Tails walks up to Amy and puts his hand on her shoulder, then faces her and nods; Amy smiles and nods back] Being here isn't SO bad. It's quite humorous, at least...

Captain Falcon: I'll see you guys later, I left my F-Zero IN the mall fountain!

Knuckles [thinking]: Guys, did we forget something?

______________________________________________

Day 4

21:07

A Lamp Post near Sephiroth: Tailor of Death

Classic Magneto [still tied up]: BEHOLD, I AM NOT REALLY TIED UP TO THIS POST! [several silent moments pass, then...] SHIT!!!

______________________________________________

COMMERCIAL

Manly Narrator-type Voice [otherwise known as Narrator]: Eggman has always abused small animals. But what happens when the animals say... NO MORE.

Eggman [sitting at a park bench, eating a non-fat (?) ice cream cone]: Hmm, strawberry! [it's actually peach-flavored; next, Eggman is getting attacked by several small park rodents, like squirrels and the like] OH GOD, THEY'RE NIBBLING ON ME!

[A woman is walking her poodle nearby, only to have her poodle dash off and start attacking Eggman.]

Eggman: GUH! GET'EM OFF ME!

[Suddenly, a bear comes out of nowhere and starts roaring.]

Eggman: BEAR, ARE YOU!? [Eggman starts throwing the small animals on him at the bear's head, only for the bear to eat them as they fly into his mouth]

Bear [who apparently can speak]: MORE!!!

Eggman [throws a nearby hippie at the bear]: Have some nature-lover, nature-bear!

Flying Hippie: Fight for peace, man! [flies into bear's mouth] OH GOD, I HATE NATURE NOW--

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

______________________________________________

Dragon Ball Z Announcer: On the next episode of Cronies...

***

Captain Falcon [talking to Sephiroth]: As a representative of Nintendo, let me just say that we're glad that whiny-bitch Square finally got up off its ass and started making games for us again!

Sephiroth [calm, but pissed off]: I see...

Captain Falcon [patting Sephiroth's shoulder]: So we cool, right? [flying into the distant horizon] GUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH--

Vectorman [flirting with Aeris]: Word...

***

Sonic: If you have a death-wish, follow Captain Falcon's example, demonstrated here...

[Captain Falcon walks up to an unarmored Samus, who's enjoying a drink in a bar.]

Captain Falcon: How's it goin', sweet cheeks? [slaps Samus's ass]

[Two seconds later, Captain Falcon is embedded IN the wall.]

Vectorman [flirting with Samus]: Word... [flies into wall]

***

[Eggman is jumping rope dangerously close to the edge of the Big Blue racetrack, AS A RACE IS HAPPENING.]

Eggman [jumping rope as F-Zero cars wiz dangerously closeby]:

♪♫ Cinderella, dressed in purple ♪♫

♪♫ went upstairs to kiss Steve Urkel ♪♫

♪♫ made a mistake, kissed Captain Falcon ♪♫

♪♫ how many doctors will it take? ♪♫

♪♫ A, B, C, D, E, F [gets nudged off the track by the Blue Falcon] WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY-- [explodes as he hits the water below] OH, GOD, I'M NOT EVEN EXPLOSIVE!!!

Vectorman: Cool... I mean, um, Word...

***

THE END... for now...again...one more time... BEHOLD, IT IS NOT THE END... oh, wait, it is...