Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ CRONIES ❯ Miracle Match? The Job of Eggman and Mysterious Chums! ( Chapter 6 )

CRONIES

A triple team production by:

THE TRIPLE PEEPS

Apollo Alexandre, a.k.a. "Grand Master Shoma" (GMS)

Neusa Gaspar, a.k.a. "Judge Neusy"

Carlos Alexandre, a.k.a. "CMA" (CMA)

Judge Neusy: DISCLAIMER: Any characters mentioned in this story that are not the distinctive likenesses of anyone else--including, but not limited to, Sega, Sonic Team, Nintendo, Koshi Rikdo, etc.--were created by us, and may not be used without our permission. All characters and distinctive likenesses not created by us are the property of their respective owners.

[Several seconds later]

GMS: Oh, YEAH, that's heaven!

CMA: That's getting a little old...

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Day 1

08:59

Eggman Cafe

[The Cronies and Eggman (?) are having a light breakfast at the Eggman Café.]

Eggman [looking around]: This is the first time I've ever been to this café... [sips coffee] This coffee tastes like ME! OH, I remember now...

[Eggman describes his flashback to the group, who don't really care. Back in college, a drunken Eggman, Bowser, and Il Palazzo are slurring drunken words at one another.]

Eggman [drunk]: Yoooou know what, g-uys? ... ... I LUV U!!!

Bowser [drunk]: Soooooo true.

Il Palazzo [drunk, but it doesn't look it]: I think I'm drunk of my ass, sup? [falls over]

Eggman [drunk]: WHY DON'T we each build... a CAFÉ in EACH of ooooouuuuuur rrrrrrrespectived worlds, yo? ... Good idea, Il Palazzo! [Eggman passes out]

[Bowser passes out as well. The next morning, there is a perfectly constructed, tested, and licensed building called the Eggman Café in Sega's world, as well as a Bowser Café in the Mushroom Kingdom and an Il Palazzo Café in the city of F. Don't ask how.]

[Back to the present...]

Eggman: And that's how I built the Eggman Café!

Knuckles [totally ignoring Eggman; speaking with one of the waiters]: Hey, do you have a giant slab of meat lying around? I want to punch it some!

Waiter: One number 5, coming up! [Giant hunk of meat is wheeled over]

Knuckles: PERFECT! [starts punching it some]

Rouge [sniffing air]: It smells like raw, meaty... Eggman...

Eggman: Why thank you! I feel pretty meaty today, too! [a cell phone starts ringing; Eggman pulls it out (it's his) and speaks into it] Hello? ... Really? The strike's over? I'll be right there!

Sonic [the only one paying attention to Eggman]: What? What's going on, Eggman?

Eggman [getting]: Oh, the strike's over! I'm going back to work!

Sonic: You mean conquering the world wasn't work?

Eggman: No, it was a time killer!

Sonic: For as long as I've known you, which has been pretty much my whole life, you were just on sabbatical?

Eggman: Yup! See you later guys!

Knuckles [still punching away]: Hey, who's gonna pay Eggman's tab?

Sonic: Um... RUN FOR IT! [All except Knuckles run off]

Knuckles: Wait! I'm still punching my meat some!

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INTRO THEME SONG

by Knuckles's Rap Band

They were sittin', in a cafe one day

Then some weird-ass nut came and says the bank wuz bein' stolen

Shadow says "What?" Sonic says "Whoa!"

And the superhero posse wuz born

They'z the CRONIES

The name looks like Friends

But they ain't no "Phoebe"

What's up with that bitch?

Is she crazy or stupid--I dunno man, that's just whack

We talkin' about CRONIES!

And that's a fact!

Sonic's fast and freaky

Shadow thinks Sakura-chick died

Tails flyin' like a COPTA'

Knuckles is boring--he's guarding the Master Emerald

Rouge is stealin' it right now--dumb ass ho

Amy gets captured every episode

Eggman doin' the commercials

No one knows why!

They'z the CRONIES

Crime ain't got nothin' on 'em

Can't think of how to end this song

So we's is outa here!

(Instrumental)

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C ٠R ٠O ٠N ٠I ٠E ٠S

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COMMERCIAL

[Eggman is walking down the street, drinking some Mello Yello. Suddenly, he trips in front of some hot ladies.]

Announcer: Mello Yello asks: how would YOU stay smooth?

[A: Eggman falls and hits concrete. He looks at the ladies, who are laughing at him. Eggman snaps.]

Eggman [angry]: STUPID, AM I? I'LL *expletive deleted* *expletive deleted* YOU *expletive deleted* *expletive deleted* *expletive deleted* CHEESE *expletive deleted* *expletive deleted* MOTHER-*expletive deleted* [cocks a shotgun]

[B: Eggman sees a puppy about to get run over by a truck. Eggman lets it happen. The ladies start crying.]

Eggman [explaining]: Hey, I don't want to die!

[C: Eggman sees Sakura Kinomoto apparently about to get hit by a bus.]

Eggman [diving to catch Sakura; slow-motion]: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Sakura [already past the point where the distant bus would have hit her because she was crossing the street]: Hi Eggman-kun!

Eggman [confused and irritated]: Huh!? [gets hit by bus] OOOOWWW!!! THIS IS A STUPID COMMERCIAL! HOW IS THIS PROMOTING ME?

Sakura [confused]: Promoting? [gives Eggman a quarter, then merrily walks off, humming a little tune]

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

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Day 1

10:01

The Streets Next to the River

[The Cronies, sans Eggman, are taking a leisurely stroll.]

Knuckles: The wind feels so good against my dreads. HAIL ME!

Shadow: Just shut up, dumbass!

Amy: Where are we going, anyway?

Sonic: Wherever fate takes us!

Tails: To Subway?

Sonic: ...Yes.

Amy: I've always wanted to try--[Amy gets swiped by something mysterious]

Knuckles [tapping his foot impatiently]: C'mon Amy, we're waiting! [notices Amy isn't there] Amy? Where'd you go? I want a sammich, dammit! [gets booted by Rouge] I meant from Subway!

Rouge: Asshole, Amy's been kidnapped again!

Sonic [sighing]: What else is new?

Mysterious Mario-sounding voice: You-a fool! We-a have Amy!

[The Cronies dramatically turn to see Mario (holding a struggling Amy), Luigi (giving a strange look), Yoshi, Peach, Donkey Kong, and Bowser.]

Sonic [narrow eyes]: You... bastards...

Mario [bowing, still holding Amy]: And-a now, to introduce ourselves!

Tails: Um, we already know who you all are--

Mario: I'm-a the leader, Mario!

Luigi [doing a weird... THING... with his hands]: I'm-a Lu-IIIIIIII-GI!!!

Yoshi [mocking Akuma like in Smash Bros. Melee]: Yosh...

Peach [sickeningly sweet]: I'm Princess Peach! Let's all have a big bowl of strawberry ice cream!

[Donkey Kong grunts like himself, flexing his ape muscles.]

Bowser: I AM KING BOWSER KOOPA! KNEEL BEFORE MY AWESOME... aw, who am I kidding? I'm just a jerk! Really! I need help! [starts crying]

Mario: Excuse-a Bowser. He's-a going through-a the midlife crisis! Anyway, together, we are... THE CHUMS!!!

Shadow [muffling laughter]: They're trying to imitate the Cronies! [The Cronies laugh; Shadow suddenly turns serious] But anyway... CHAOS CONTROL! [Shadow uses his burst of time-bending speed to swipe something from The Chums, and Sonic takes hold of it] A HA! WE GOT...

Sonic: TOAD!?

Mario: Keep him! He's-a useless to us! [The Chums run off]

Sonic [looks at Toad; Toad smiles back]: Oh, man, you ARE useless! [chucks the screaming Toad far off, until we hear it hit something that sounds a lot like Mario saying "Ow."] All right, I nailed him!

Shadow: WAY TO GO TEAM SEGA! WHOOO!!! [all the Cronies in turn high five Sonic, except for Tails]

Tails: Um, guys, they took Amy. AND ran off with her.

Sonic [looking at Tails with narrow eyes]: High five...

[Tails sighs and gives Sonic the high five]

Sonic [hugs Tails]: That's my buddy! [starts singing the song from the old My Buddy TV commercials with a few modifications] ♪♫ My buddy, my buddy, wherever I go, you have to go, my-- ♪♫

[The Cronies cut off the singing Sonic and make chase.]

Sonic: They have to cross the river to get anywhere! They're trapped!

Knuckles: Oh my god, they're heading into said river!

[The Chums begin expertly swimming across the river. Yoshi and Donkey Kong start. Bowser swims with Peach and Amy on his back (Amy stays because she can't swim, and Peach doesn't want a see-through blouse). Luigi dolphin jumps into the water and dolphin hops into and out of the river several times LIKE A BIG GOOF. Then, halfway across, he walk-marches along the surface of the lake to the other side.]

Mario [angry; calling to Luigi; saying many Italian profanities]: HEY, YOU-A MAKING US-A LOOK BAD!!!

Rouge: Now THAT'S a logic-defyer!

Sonic: I'm going after them!

Knuckles: Uh, Sonic, you can't swim. In fact, only Rouge, Tails, and I can swim. YOU cannot. SHADOW cannot.

Shadow: You know, I didn't SAY anything, jackass!

Sonic [angry]: Nuts to this! I need a fan girl to tell me I'm cool AND I can learn how to swim at the same time! [Sonic jumps into the water and disappears from sight. They only see some bubbles reaching the surface around the same spot.]

Shadow [stops Tails from jumping in after Sonic]: Let's just see how this turns out.

[Suddenly the Sonic game drowning counter and panic-song come up.]

[5...]

Rouge: Um, someone should save him...

[4...]

Knuckles: I want a sammich! [gets kicked by Rouge]

[3...]

Tails [trying to push Shadow away]: C'mon, Shadow, let me go save him!

[2...]

Shadow [starting to panic]: Oh, shit! [runs off] I didn't see nuttin'!!!

[1...]

[Tails jumps in and flies out the drowning Sonic, setting said blue hedgehog gently on the shore.]

Sonic [coughing up water; coughs up a fish]: Tails, you saved me! I could kiss you!

Tails: No, don't.

Sonic: I almost drowned! [glares at his black-colored counterpart] No thanks to YOU!

Shadow: Hey! I was running off to... go SAVE... Sonic... the Hedgehog...

Sonic: No you weren't!

Rouge [playing with Tails's three little hairs]: I love a man who saves his friends...

Knuckles: Friends, eh? [chucks Rouge into the river with a Geese/Rock Howard-style Shinkuu Nage]

Rouge [screeching in mid-air]: KNUCKLES!!! [splash]

Knuckles [wading into the river]: Don't worry, Rouge! I'll save you!

Rouge [almost back at shore]: I can swim, you fool! [gets picked up by Knuckles]

Knuckles [holding Rouge]: It's a good thing I saved you from those sea bass, eh, Rouge? Now, where's my kiss? [receives such a hard face-boot that his face is contorted oddly for a moment] You know, you can pleasure yourself easily with such flexibility, Rouge! [gets booted into a tree; yes, INTO] OW!!!

Shadow: Tails, can you convert the Cronari into some kind of transforming half-car/half-boat thing?

Sonic: Be reasonable, Shadow.

Tails: Give me 20 minutes. But I'm making a new boat from scratch--

Shadow: PUT WHEELS ON IT!

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Day 1

10:10

The Chums Hidden Base (in a forest somewhere...)

[The Chums be chillin' at their secret forest lair, which looks deadly on the outside but is very... pink and yellow on the inside. Donkey Kong is having a conversation with Mario, Luigi is playing Mario Sunshine, Peach is baking COOKIES!!!, and Bowser is on the phone with a shrink's office. Amy, by the way, is tied up to the chandelier, being guarded by Yoshi.]

Amy [suspended]: Is this how you treat all your hostages/guests?

Mario: Hmm, more or less.

[Donkey Kong grunts something.]

Mario [understanding DK]: Yes, I understand! She'll-a need to die!

Peach [holding a tray of cookies]: Who wants COOKIES!?

Amy: I do but I'm tied up!

Peach: That's okay! [to Mario] Get the cookie gun! Then I'll bake a cake for you!

Mario [wheeling in the cookie gun]: Oh god no! That's-a always hell!

Peach [aiming the cookie gun at Amy]: Prepare for high-speed COOKIES!!! [fires the gatling-like gun, which nails Amy with many cookies in a short time frame]

Amy [struggling]: OH GOD, STOP!

Luigi [maniacal; purposely and repeatedly killing Mario in Mario Sunshine by drowning him]: Yes, DIE, I'M-A THE BETTER PLUMBER, MARIO! SUFFER! SUFFER!!!

Mario [to DK]: Ever since he's had that mansion, he's changed...

[DK grunts.]

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Day 1

13:13

Tails's House/Mystic Ruins Base

Shadow: Guys, I have some bad news... Game and Watch is coming back!

Sonic: What!?

Shadow [whips out his GameBoy Advance E-reader]: In card form! [scans in a Game and Watch game and plays] This is so addicting... it makes me want to kill Sonic!

Sonic: Huh!?

Eggman [comes out of Tails's kitchen with an entire cooked chicken]: Hey, you need some more chicken!

Sonic [not realizing Eggman's there]: Thanks, I'll make a note of tha--HEY! WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE, MOOCHER!? [looks around, no Eggman] Wha--he's gone!!!

Shadow [with no GameBoy Advance in sight; is playing Monopoly with Rouge and Knuckles]: What are you talking about Sonic? Eggman's at work! Remember?

Knuckles: Hey, Rouge, you landed on my Boardwalk hotel! It's either two grand or you pleasure me right here, right now! [grabs his cannon game piece and motions suggestively with its, um, shaft.] I think the make-out is a discount, Rouge! [gets a chair broken over his head] You'd think that would've hurt me-- [faints]

Tails: Hey, Rouge, I have to pay for those chairs!

Rouge: Sorry, sweet-ums. [plays with Tails's hairs] Do you forgive me?

Knuckles [suddenly conscious]: Sweet-ums!? [Grabs Tails by the head, but Tails kicks Knuckles in the groin] Oh, god...

Tails: Anyways, I'm done!

Knuckles: Oooh, let me drive! Let me drive! You never let me drive!

Shadow: Sorry, you half-literate bastard, but I'm driving!

Tails: Shotgun!

Knuckles: Half-literation? I knows you well I read good!

Sonic: What? Anyway, let's go! Let's get those Chums!

All: YEAH!!!

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COMMERCIAL

[Unlike almost every other Eggman commercial lately, this one is actually, kind of, promoting him. He's at his house, shooting what seems to be a normal commercial.]

Eggman: I think I know why you people won't join my empire. And if you're wondering about Tomoyo, that little lesbian whore-bitch can bite my nads! I think I can't make you join because I can't send a worldly message around the world on my own! So I've been practicing foreign languages!

Bob [Scottish, yadda yadda yadda]: Ach, I'd like to see that, sir!

Eggman: Now I'm going to say "JOIN!" in many languages!

First, normally: JOIN!!!

Next, American: Join up, yo!

Canadian: Join/Joindre!

French: Voulez-vous vous joindre a nous?
British: Join up, jolly good chap!

Australian: Yahoo serious, join, mate!

NEO American: Join up, yo!

NEO French: Join, you damn frogs!

Scottish: Ach, join up, laddie!

Bob [shaking his head]: Ach, try some more non-English languages, sir!

Eggman: FINE! Spanish: yo queiro dois huevos por favor!!!

Bob: Ach, you just said you wanted two eggs, sir!

Eggman: All the better! Who DOESN'T like eggs!? Damn Dutch people...

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

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Day 1

14:50

Killer Waves

[The Cronies are shredding some fine waves in the new "Croboat," which is, in fact, a high-tech yacht. Everyone is getting sea sick thanks to Shadow's driving, except for Knuckles, who's stuffing a microwave with Easy Bake cake mixes. The smallish cakes explode, coating the sides of the microwave with Easy Bake chocolate mush.]

Knuckles: Who wants MUSH!? Just scrape it off the sides of the microwave! [starts licking said mush]

Rouge: You're sick!

Sonic [sea sick]: I'm getting sick-- [throws up into the river]

Shadow: Don't worry, we're probably near the Chums' base! Uh oh, I gotta fix my shoes! [bends down, let's go of the wheel, while the yacht hits land and is tearing through trees]

Eggman [appears before Sonic at the front of the yacht; only Sonic sees him]: Hi, Sonic!

Sonic: What? Eggman! [blinks a few times, then Eggman's gone] AAAAAHHH!!! What's going on!!!?

Shadow [gets up]: There's no Eggman out there Sonic! That's a dead deer!

Tails: Um, Shadow, have you NOT noticed the tree killing?

Knuckles [pointing towards Shadow]: YOU'RE the reason that Earth's oxygen supplies are slowly depleting, thereby slowly killing the environment! Then again, we CAN breathe in space--

Rouge: Um, Shadow, Chums Fortress dead ahead!

Shadow: How do YOU know it's the Chums Fortress--oh dear god, we're gonna ram them!

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Day 1

14:52

The Chums' Not-so-Hidden Base

Mario [hears a strange distant rumbling]: What is that, Peach's-a vibrator? What did I-a do this time!?

Luigi [still drowning Sunshine Mario]: Die, Mario! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA-A HAHAHA [gets hit by the giant Croboat, which rams into the base and sends Luigi spiraling into the stratosphere] AAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa--

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Day 1

14:53

Within the Croboat

[The Croboat is, as you may guessed, out of frikkin' control. Panic ensues.]

Shadow [trying to regain control]: How the hell do I stop this thing!?

Tails: Deploy the wheels and throw the anchor!

Shadow: Throw the anchor!

Knuckles: Throwing anchor! [ties a rope around himself, secures the other end to the bulkhead, salutes, and jumps overboard, digging his claws into the ground in an attempt to stop THE ENTIRE BOAT.]

[Rouge looks at the actual anchor, right beside where Knuckles was standing, and shakes her head in disgust and shame.]

Sonic [amazed at the stopped Croboat]: Wow, Knuckles did it!

[The Cronies all get off the boat to see a bloody Knuckles.]

Knuckles [looking at his bloody gloves]: Ow, my hands are hurting me! Could anyone hand me some gauze and liquor?

Tails [pulls out his trusty first aid kit, pulls out some gauze, and starts dressing Knuckles's wounds]: Better?

Knuckles: Much. So was that their base we passed through?

Sonic: I saw several red coins about, so I'm going to assume "yes."

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Day 1

15:01

Chums' Destroyed Base

[The Cronies arrive at the Chums' partially destroyed base to see an enraged Mario.]

Mario [angry]: You killed-a Luigi, which I have-a no problem with! But I'm-a mostly concerned with-a the TV! I watched-a that TV! What am I-a going to do with the drunken-a Peach amateur pornos?

Tails: Mario, let's make a declaration of peace and watch some Amy/Rouge lesbian amateur video!

Sonic: I don't agree with it... yet...

Rouge: WHAT videos?

Mario: No, never-a you mind! Mama mia! It's-a time to battle!

Sonic: Very well. Rouge, you take Peach.

Rouge: Fine.

Sonic: Okay, Knuckles--

Rouge: Done. [filing her nails after violently beating the shit out of the mushroom princess] Can I go home now?

Sonic: No, keep filing or keep fighting or whatever. Knuckles, the gorilla has a rap crew. And he thinks he's better than you!

Knuckles: I'll get him!

Sonic: Tails, take the falling crazy-ass-psycho.

Tails: What crazy-ass-psy-- [gets Luigi chopped in the back] Ow!

[Shadow couldn't stop laughing at the site]

Shadow [laughing]: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Luigi... chopped... his bum! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA [gets sucked in by Yoshi, then crapped out into an egg which Shadow promptly breaks out of] I've just been through hell and back. [angry] C'mere, you little shit!

Sonic: Well, that takes care of Shadow. [sees Eggman; again, is the only one to see him] Eggman?

Eggman: Yes?

Sonic [looks away from Eggman for a moment]: I want you to take Bowse-- [can't see Bowser] Where'd he go? Sorry Eggman, you're going to have to sit this one out-- [Eggman's gone] WHAT'S WRONG WITH-A ME!!! "WITH-A?" AAAAAAAHHH!!!!

Mario: Oh, so your-a not the only one? [punches Sonic]

Sonic: HEY! I wasn't ready, jackass! [kicks Mario in the shin]

Amy [swaying a bit; looking down at the filing-nails Rouge]: Y'know, Rouge, instead of filing nails, you COULD be letting me down!

Rouge: Can't you see I'm busy? [lifts hand] LOOK AT THIS NAIL! [starts swearing at the nail]

Knuckles [to DK]: Bring it on, ape-boy!

[DK picks up Knuckles, holds him in place with feet, and starts "grooming" him with hands. He finishes a moment later.]

Knuckles [straightening out dreads]: Are you done?

[DK nods and punches Knuckles quite far.]

Knuckles [flying into a wall; gets up and runs back at DK]: Why, I oughta--

Shadow [to Yoshi]: You Akuma wannabe! I'd like to see you pull off some REAL Akuma moves!

[Yoshi's eyes start glowing red, then he Akuma teleports towards Shadow, and, in a bright flash of light, we see a bunch of hit marks, then Yoshi in Akuma's win pose, with the symbol of TEN behind him.]

Shadow [from behind Yoshi]: Way to destroy that sofa!

[Yoshi notices that he just Raging Demon-ed a sofa. Yoshi is confused long enough for Shadow to send him flying with a carefully timed spin dash. Yoshi flies into the sunset.]

Shadow: Sunset? It's only three o'clock!

Tails [to Luigi]: What are you doing?

[Luigi is doing strange crazy hand movements, dances, and capoeira. He kicks Tails aside.]

Tails: Grrr... that was just annoying!

Luigi: Well, bring it-a beeyotch! [to Mario] Your-a next, Mario!

Mario: What?

[Luigi is about to kick Tails again, but Tails anime-teleports out of the way (like the Sonic anime). Tails re-appears behind Luigi and tail-whips him into the sky (yes, again).]

Luigi [flying off]: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA SUFFER MARIO-- [ding noise]

Sonic [to Mario]: I'd hate to be you, dude. Your brother's whack!

Mario: Don't-a I know it! [continues fighting with Sonic in a flurry of spin dashes, fireballs, cape swings, and homing attacks]

[Meanwhile, Knuckles and DK are giving and dodging blows.]

Knuckles [getting pissed]: Oh, you are SO getting hit by lightning! [is about to cast Thunder Arrow, but then DK pulls out his (trusty?) coconut gun and starts firing] OH, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!?

Knuckles's Rap Crew [rapping]: ♪♫Don't worry, boss, we got ya covered! We gonna kick some ass, their won't be no other!♪♫

DK's Rap Crew [rapping as well]: ♪♫Gonna do this now, we're gonna kick some butt! You mangle with us and you gotta be nuts!♪♫

[The two rap bands start fighting with each other. DK's Rap Band fights with pansy-ass punching, while Knuckles's Rap Crew... is using guns. The fight is over quickly.]

[DK worriedly grunts and pulls out a white flag!]

Knuckles [cocky]: You damn well better bow down to your superiors! NOW, BEG!

[DK grunts as if asking a question.]

[Meanwhile, Sonic and Mario are still at it. Sonic anime-teleports out of the way of some fireballs, but Mario matches his blows with his unique plumber martial arts. Suddenly, Sonic thinks he has Mario off-guard and lunges at him with a homing attack, but Mario swings his yellow cape around, which uses Sonic's own speed to send him towards a wall.]

Sonic [all groggy]: Oh, god...

Eggman [with Bowser]: You can do it, Sonic!

Sonic [stands up]: GOD DAMN IT, EGGMAN, AREN'T YOU AT WORK? [looks around and sees no sign of Eggman or Bowser]

Mario [approaching Sonic]: Are you-a talking to yourself again, Sonic?

Sonic [very angry]: OKAY, YOU CROSSED THE LINE! [grabs Mario and gives him the ultimate groin kick (tm)]

Mario [stunned in place, very much in pain]: Oooooooooh... ... ... [collapses, holding his groin]

Sonic: That's what you get! [walks off, then turns around for a moment] Bitch!

Mario [weakly standing up]: Oh no... we'll-a meet again, Sonic! [in a giant puff of smoke, all the Chums disappear]

Knuckles: Whoa, nice special effects! [glides up to Amy (like in the anime, again) and cuts her loose; he carries her to the ground] Amy, get me a sammich from Subway, please. [points to Rouge] See, Rouge? I DO save friends! Now where's my blowjob?

Rouge: Say that again and I won't have anything to blow on!

Knuckles [looks down]: What do you m-- OOOOOOOOoooooohhh...

Shadow: Good riddance! [Shadow is throwing rocks and other objects around for no reason]

Sonic: Shadow, the fighting's done!

Tails: Hey, my hypothesis wasn't correct this time! The Fou-lu Theory isn't 100% accurate! Then again, they weren't REALLY evil, just annoying...

Sonic [picks up a piece of paper]: Everyone gather! I found a sheet!

Shadow: Cool!

[The Cronies gather around as Sonic reads the note]

Sonic [reading]: "Dear Sonic, it's me Dr. Eggman! I'm sorry I made you think you were hallucinating, but I have a perfectly reasonable explanation as to why I did those things! You see, my job was to go around and annoy people! Good pay, and there are benefits! I was flying during the afternoon and got stuck in a tree branch, when I saw the Croboat drive by. Curious, I hopped down, and saw you! I said "Hi, Sonic!" But then I got whipped away by another branch. Anyway, I came to the Chums' base to meet my good friend Bowser from college, because, well, it's been a while! When you told me to fight, we both got bored and left, hence why you didn't see me after! But I came back to cheer you on, and we stole some beer money and copped a few feels from the unconscious Peach. Later, I got fired, since I arrived late or something, so I'm going back to conquering Earth and eating Tails's food. See you back at Tails's! Regards, Dr. Ivo Robotnik, aka EGGMAN! JOIN! JOIN, I TELLS YOU! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..." [Sonic stops reading] And it goes on like this for three more pages!

Knuckles: Well, that's the end of that chapter! [dusts off his hands]

Rouge [smiling wickedly]: Doesn't that hurt?

Knuckles: Immensely. [then proceeds to scream like a banshee]

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COMMERCIAL

[Eggman and Bowser are standing outside Il Palazzo Café.]

Bowser: Well I'll be. She still stands.

Eggman [walking in]: Let's see how he's doing! I hope he's here...

[Bowser and Eggman enter the posh café to see Il Palazzo at a table having a cup of joe.]

Il Palazzo: Huh? [notices the pair] Well, if it isn't my old drinking buddies! Pull up some chairs! Did you lose weight, Eggman?

Eggman [sits down]: You noticed! Wow, this place is fucking swanky! [orders] One espresso, please! [drinks it] It tastes like... Il Palazzo...

Bowser: So, how's your conquering the world one city at a time plan going, Illy?

Il Palazzo: Well, if it weren't for that foolish Excel, I'm sure I'd be progressing smoothly! But, alas, SOMETHING about her keeps her on my payroll.

Eggman: You pay your people?

Il Palazzo: Not really. You see, Excel wants to screw me, so I use that to keep her on board for free.

Pedro [at the bar, nursing a drink, speaking in his spastic Excel Saga dub voice]: IF ONLY PEDRO COULD SCREW HIS SEXY WIFE AGAIN IN THE LIVING WORLD!

Bowser [to Pedro]: ... You're dead?

Pedro: I THINK SO!!!

Il Palazzo [getting annoyed]: C'mon, let's go to a strip club!

Eggman: GOAL! [the three leave]

Pedro: No, don't ignore Pedro! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

______________________________________________

Dragon Ball Z Announcer: On the next episode of Cronies...

***

Lance Bass: Eggman, you've got to help me!

Eggman: Lance, what's going on?

Lance Bass: Sephiroth's going to kill me because I voiced him in Kingdom Hearts! [hears Sephiroth's music getting closer] HE'S COMING!

Eggman: I thought you were doing Cloud! Dude, he might've forgiven you, but NOT Sephiroth!

Sephiroth [unsheathes sword as his theme music hits it's "♪♫Sephiroth!♪♫" chorus]: Time to die, Bass.

Eggman [pointing Lance out to Sephiroth; whispers to Lance]: Dude, you're SO screwed.

Vectorman: Suspenseful...

***

Captain Falcon [to armored Samus]: I was thinking, you, me, and sex. Whaddaya say, babe? [slaps her ass] Hmm, I'm not dead yet. Something's not right, here! [pulls off Samus's helmet to reveal...] Peach Toadstool!?

Peach: I'm playing the mean bounty huntress! Samus is being the princess of the Mushroom Kingdom for a while!

Captain Falcon: This I gotta see! If she's wearing a dress, and it's windy... oh, man, BROMIDE MATERIAL! [runs off at incredible speed]

Sonic: This has nothing to do with Cronies, but it IS interesting! [follows Captain Falcon]

[Meanwhile, in the Mushroom Kingdom Castle throne room...]

Samus [wearing Peach's pink dress; she looks rather nice, except for her pissed off expression and not done up hair]: Anyone who calls me "pretty" will die.

Mario [walks into the throne room]: Hello, Samus, you look-a pretty to-- [gets instantly hurled very far] UWAAAAAAAAAAAH-- [ding noise]

[Captain Falcon and Sonic arrive to see Mario fly off]

Sonic: Wow, scary!

Toad: She's strong! In fact, everytime Bowser tries to kidnap her, she impales him with one of his children!

Captain Falcon: Now she CAN'T kill me, because she's weaponless! [lifts her dress up to see black lace panties] AWESOME! So you really ARE going to screw m-- [goes flying after Mario] AT LEAST I'LL DIE HAPPY-- [ding noise]

Samus [glaring at Sonic]: Who's next?

Sonic [steps back]: Don't hurt me!

Vectorman: Long...

***

[Eggman is... you guessed it, skipping rope. Today, he's on an airport runway in the middle of a busy day.]

Eggman [jumping rope as planes take off and land dangerously close by]:

♪♫ Cinderella, dressed in yellow ♪♫

♪♫ went upstairs to kiss one fellow ♪♫

♪♫ made a mistake, kissed my ass ♪♫

♪♫ how many doctors will it take? ♪♫

♪♫ Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta, Epsilon, Zeta, Eta, Theta, Iota, Kappa, Lambda, Mu, Nu, Xi, Omicron, Pi, Rho, Sigma, Tao, Upsilon, Phi, Chi, Psi, Omega!!! [stops jumping] MY GOD! I ACTUALLY MADE IT WITHOUT GETTING HURT-- [gets run over by a plane] Ooooooh, fuck...

Vectorman: Word...

***

THE END... for now...again...one more time... BEHOLD, IT IS NOT THE END... oh, wait, it is... psyche!...