Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ Episode III: Revenge of the Obvious Pun ❯ Some Sith-y Political Discussions ( Chapter 4 )

Chapter Four: Some Sith-y Political Discussions

 

[A small shuttle streaks across space, heading towards a small planet in the distance. The scene cuts to the ship setting down on a landing platform. General Big the Cat walks out of the ship, as a droid walks up to him.]

 

Droid: General, the planet is secure. The population is under control. However, we do have a problem with some shrieking lizards…

 

Big: Shri-(cough)-eking lizards are not my problem. Where is the (hack) Separatist Council?

 

Droid: The tenth level my Lord. Oh, there is a communication from Darth Egg that you should attend to.

 

Big: O-(coughing fit)-kay.

 

[Big strides purposefully through the building, and reaches a platform. He taps a few buttons, and a hologram of the Dark Sith Lord, Darth Egg appears. It is so blatantly obvious that it's Supreme Chancellor Robotnik that you have to worry about the general I.Q. of “Star Wars” characters.]

 

Big: Yes, Darth Egg?

 

Darth Egg: I suggest you move all the Separatist leaders to the boiling planet of pure lava and pain. There, they will be safe.

 

Big: Ye-(wheeze)-s, my Lord.

 

Darth Egg: Good. Everything goes according to plan. Soon, I will have my victory.

 

Big: Even without Metal Sonic?

 

Darth Egg: His loss was regrettable, but necessary. Proceed according to plans. That is all.

 

Big: (bows) Yes, master. Actually…something (hack) seems odd.

 

Darth Egg: What?

 

Big: I have the strangest feeling I s-(wheeze)-aw you earlier today…

 

Darth Egg: (nervous) Nonsense! You didn't see me on your Separatist ship eating Twinkies while pretending to be your captive as I furthered my plan to topple the Republic from within and without.

 

Big: Thank you for pu-(snot)-tting my worries to rest, master.

 

Eggma…Darth Egg: No problem. Peace out!

 

[The scene cuts to a balcony on Coruscant at night. Amy is brushing her hair, while Tails stands around awkwardly. Even though no time has passed, and, as far as we know, it's the night of the same day, Amy is already visibly pregnant.]

 

Amy: I got the most wicked craving for pizza right now…with those little sausage thingies. The ones that aren't sausage, but everyone calls `em sausages even though nobody knows what they're called.

 

Tails: You're so beautiful!

 

Amy: Well, that was sort of random…

 

Tails: The only thing that's random here is my love.

 

Amy: It's not random, it's beautiful love.

 

Tails: If it weren't for my love, you wouldn't be so beautiful.

 

Amy: Are you implying I'm ugly?

 

Tails: I'm implying I must have been drunk to try and have sex with you.

 

Amy: Aww, that's so sweet. Nobody else ever tried to force themselves on me while under the influence…

 

[As the audience rolls their collective eyes in chagrin over the shoddiest romance dialogue ever, the scene fades to black. It cuts back to some wavy type of crap or something. Amy is onscreen, obviously in pain. Or…meh, most people probably fell asleep by this point anyway. I'll wake you when it gets cool again.]

 

Amy: Ahh! Help me! Tails! THE PAIN! HELP! [Bleep] ME IN THE [bleep]!

 

[Amy groans, then dies. Or, takes mercy on the audience, and stops “acting”. The scene cuts to Tails jerking of…awake.]

 

Tails: (panting) What…was…

 

[He turns to look at the sleeping Amy. He gets up out of bed and wanders off. Amy wakes up, and follows after him.]

 

Amy: What's wrong?

 

Tails: Nothing is wrong…

 

Amy: Really?

 

Tails: Okay, I've been having dreams about you…

 

Amy: (seductive) And what were you doing to me?

 

Tails: That's the problem…they weren't good dreams. You were giving birth…and you died.

 

Amy: Oh. Well, it is just a dream.

 

Tails: No. This one felt real. I'm worried…I don't want to lose you.

 

Amy: And you won't. We may have to go in hiding though…the Jedi Council will not approve of this child, nor will the Senate. Could we ask Sonic for help?

 

Tails: Sonic? What have you told him?

 

Amy: Nothing. You need to stop being so suspicious. I haven't wanted to do anything with him since that night of drunken sex with you…the reason I love you so much.

 

Tails: Me too. Our child will not be a problem. It should be a blessing.

 

[The scene cuts to somewhere inside the Jedi Temple. Yoda {Author's Note: Seriously, who else could I put here? Gordon fucking Freeman?}is deep in thought, while Tails looks on anxiously.]

 

Yoda: Visions, you have, eh?

 

Tails: Yes. Visions of pain. Death. Bad acting.

 

Yoda: Yourself you speak of? Or close to you, someone?

 

Tails: What?

 

Yoda: These visions, who are they about?

 

Tails: Someone I care about…

 

Yoda: Beware these visions. Fear not death. Natural part of life it is. Go to a better place, dead people do. Mourn the dead, do not. Attachment leads to jealousy and sadness. Being sad leads to the Dark Side.

 

Tails: How do I follow that pretentious bullshit of a lesson?

 

Yoda: Easy. Care not about the things you should care about.

 

Tails: Thanks Master Yoda. That lesson sure makes the Jedi look like uncaring pricks.

 

[Tails rushes through the Jedi Temple into a meeting room, where Sonic stands around anxiously.]

 

Sonic: There you are Tails! You missed an important meeting!

 

Tails: Sorry. I got…held up.

 

Sonic: I won't ask. In any case, we're doing good. We've got a whole bunch of planets back from the Separatists. I'd list them, but honestly, I cannot pronounce half the names unless I'm drunk.

 

Tails: Well, that's good. So, why do you look so sad?

 

Sonic: Well, there's going to be a vote in the Senate to authorize new powers for Supreme Chancellor Robotnik.

 

Tails: So what's the problem? With more executive power, we can quickly hunt down enemy collaborators, and punish them. We'll win the war super-fast.

 

Sonic: Don't you get it? If we authorize more power, he'll abuse it, and cement himself as supreme ruler of the galaxy and usher in a new era of darkness where the Jedi will be hunted down and slaughtered like pigs, while he uses his extensive powers to destroy all dissidents that oppose him! Just like George W. Bush is doing right now! He's slaughtering honest, upright citizens to cement his power under the PATRIOT Act! He's going to elect himself galactic ruler! And anyone who speaks against him will be rounded up and killed!

 

Tails: (blinks) Riiiight…nobody can say anything against him. That's why there's blatant political subtext in a movie that will be seen by everybody and their mother.

 

Sonic: SHUT UP! YOU'RE RUINING GEORGE LUCAS' BRILLIANT POLITICAL COMMENTARY!

 

Tails: Oh my God…it's not brilliant. He's a retard.

 

Sonic: DO NOT QUESTION THE BRILLIANCE OF GEORGE LUCAS!

 

Tails: THE MAN GAVE US JAR-JAR BINKS!

 

Sonic: Oooh…ouch. Okay, maybe he's not that brilliant.

 

Tails: “You're skin is softer than sand”?

 

Sonic: Okay, maybe he's retarded…in any case, Chancellor Robotnik wishes to speak to you personally.

 

Tails: That's strange.

 

Sonic: Yes. Very strange. Beware the Chancellor.

 

Tails: You're crazy, you know.

 

Sonic: Possibly. But still…beeewwaaaaaare the Chaaaaaanceeelllooooooorrrrr.

 

Tails: (backing away) Riiiiight…