Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ Passion Choke the flower ❯ I am sinking in this silence ( Chapter 1 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: Pebi 
That's all you get. The italics don't work WTF? Oh well. There's flashback flashback yadda yadda. Whatever.
Non Anime: Sonic Series Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama / Hentai / / Angst | Type: One Shot | Uploaded On: 04.29.2004 | Updated On: 04.29.2004 | Pages: 3 | Words: 4.2K | Visits: 1.2K | Status: Completed
That's all you get. The italics don't work WTF? Oh well. There's flashback flashback yadda yadda. Whatever.
Non Anime: Sonic Series Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama / Hentai / / Angst | Type: One Shot | Uploaded On: 04.29.2004 | Updated On: 04.29.2004 | Pages: 3 | Words: 4.2K | Visits: 1.2K | Status: Completed
Nothing lasts forever. Not even love. Friends had come and gone, feelings had shown and fled just as quickly. But just for a second.. Maybe this would defy that twisted logic. Maybe this would last forever.
“It’s time that I go.. I have to leave you. I don’t know.. How.. To say this..”
Upon those sole words, he could of sworn there should have known...
<i>Remembering that yelling from the night before, they were having a fight... fight.. Parents fought? Weren’t they happy all the time? Mama loved Papa....so why did Papa have a suitcase? Why did they keep yelling at each other and stop when he was around? Chrisu blinked those bright blue eyes, still hugging his teddy-bear that was eagerly seized for some support, “Neee.. Papa.. Are you going somewhere? Can I come?”
“No, you can’t come. ..I.. Don’t think we’re going to be seeing each other for a while. So just have your bear keep you company, okay? Until Papa comes home?”
By this time.. He’d forgotten what the bears name was.. “Ne ne! Papa! What do you mean? Where is Papa going?”
“..Your Mama and I.. We’re going..to.. Well.. Grown-ups need alone time to try and think about things, what we’ve assessed over time. Well..” Trying to get it into terms the four-year-old could understand..so difficult. But with an utterly serious tone: </i>
Those words .... never went away. Even with you here.
<i>“I mean that.. ..Son, You should
never get attached to anything.”</i>
<i>A quick grimace to the room where his wife resided, “Doing that sets yourself up for loss. You don’t ever want to lose anything, son. Remember that. Nothing lasts forever, not even love. Understand me, Christopher?” Bending down and placing a firm hand on his shoulder, just before leaving–</i>
’This.’ This was happening again. Again. <i>’Again.’</i>
Witnessing this nauseating repeat of history. And in some round-about way, he wasn’t mentally there at the moment- with racing thoughts consuming so much he couldn’t manage any expression but a blank gaze, docile, and disconnected from reality. He was leaving. He was leaving He was leaving.
<i>’Papa... he was right. You can’t.. You can’t... ever.. become attached to anything. It always leaves yourself open to loss. It was setting me up for failure. I set myself up. I cut my own throat on this one. I did this. I.. Sonikku. And I don’t regret it, Though it’s killing me...’</i>
“I’m sorry. Chrisu.”
But all of these thoughts, Chrisu stared down not saying so much as a word. He didn’t blink, and he couldn’t even think of a word to say. This had happened so many times.. <i>’Here I go again. Here I go again with this.... this.. They always say that ‘we’ll see each other again, promise’ or guarantee me letters. It never happened. It’s not going to happen because that’s not even the case this time. You can’t see me again. You..can’t.’</i> That was it then, was it? Just like that? Somehow.. Maybe.. Chrisu disillusioned himself that this would have some different ending. Another result from this. He felt his fists clench tightly, “I’m so -stupid- for thinking that you could stay here.” Here he was, reliving all of this past once more. It came down to this same bitter routine time and time and time again, this wasn’t any different from usual: putting on that happy act while the realization came that he was alone.. And that it was ..Soni--..no..it was his very own gullibility that had done it.
“I have to go home now..Chrisu.”
It hurt so badly, and he wouldn't even let himself flinch.
“You should go..home.” Finally, Chrisu managed to mumble out those simple words, with such a disgustingly fake smile. “You belong there. You’d be happier.” All those times that he would have to go through people leaving him- this was it. He’d gone through enough of people toying with his mind, taking advantage of him, leading him on to think there was actually hope when the plain truth came down to it: Nothing -did- last forever. Sonikku had told him that he would ‘never be alone’ and that ‘I’ll always be with you’... He wanted to be angry, hate him, feel regret, and couldn’t even manage those simple emotions. He couldn’t feel anything...because..
He..
All the things he’d come to known being taken away with just a few simple words, leaving this giant open gap. This had returned back to that old Chrisu he’d once bound himself up in. ’It hurts.. So bad.. Oh god, it hurts..’ It was desperately against his will for him to cry, though.. This seemed inevitable enough.
Sonikku glanced back to him alert, And still his expression remained blank. Same. Un-changed. Trying to resolute some action in thought. Seeing tears run down his face in desperation to help. CRYING. He hated to see Chrisu cry like this. Hated it. And.. Hated the fact that it was him who.. Made it happen, “I don’t want to go... If you’re going to be this way, I’ll stay here. I can have lots of fun in this world and– I promised you that I would try and heal all that peo--.”
“NO. You belong at home. HOME.” He paused, “You’ll be my sweetest memory, that’s..all....” Chrisu paused for a second, and cringed, “I’ll leave first be-because I don’t want to see you leave if you don’t mind.” He paused,” ...Sayonara....Sonikku the hedgehog.”
Sonikku just bared a tearing stare of his own, watching one of the most important people just walk away from him and he was the reason.. That.. It happened. Chrisu had been hurt so much in the past by people, by the ones that mattered to him the most just up and leaving him to be alone, and now here he was, just a mere contributor to that pain. He -caused- it. Right after he .. Promised to help and try to make all that pain go away here he bared the knife that cut Chrisu deepest, “You’re strong, Chrisu. You can do this..”
Forever after had ended, just like was foretold.
<i>Sonikku, you wanted to be the one to heal all my pain. You don’t understand that you can’t, not when you’re the one who hurt me the most this time.. You're killing me, though I never thought you could ever matter this much
but
you do.
But since it’s you, since it’s Sonikku, who hurt me like this.....
I don't think that I mind.</i>
Staring at the sun no rays down on me
I call you in my arms, embrace is unreal
You're moving on we'll never be apart;
just drain my tears I cry aloud.
This empty house once more, everywhere, holding memories that were now long past. Memories. All those times they had some conversations; all the words they spoke to each other echoed off the walls; Their first meeting still lingered there when he got home. Empty corridors and rooms that were once for their guests now just ...plainly.. Unoccupied. Chrisu's glance darted to something that moved..
Oh..it was only that- Only his reflection in one of the mirrors. For a moment, Chrisu paused just to study that broken and torn expression that he had. ' No wonder he left. You can never do anything right, can you? So what reason is there to—<i>....Iiie.. Sonikku always said that I always..was...cute. Special. Kind. Why can't I just let this go? It'll only be a little while. A little while. I’ll get over it like I always do.. I always manage to..’</i> He looked away, not wanting to stare at that anymore. How could Sonikku ever get him to believe that he was worthwhile? No one else ever seemed to think as much.
He didn’t even bother to take a few more steps on the lengthy walk to his bedroom, just slouched against one of the walls in a halt.. Sliding down the side of it until his head met his knees.
Sniff.
“...I understand.”
You're moving on, you'll never be a part
of all my tears I cry aloud
Calling on your sins, you're here in my dreams;
a desert place, I'm not alone
There were papers littered all over the floor, scrunched up in little tiny wads of paper and randomly thrown to every corner of Chrisu’s dwelling-place. Green eyes passed over them with an utter curiosity, “Hey there? What’cha up to?” That blue hair, distinctive smirk upon his face, and always with the fresh bouquet of flowers from one of the other archipelago peninsulas, “Chrisu? What are you doing there?”
“Ne! Na. AHAHHA....” He lunged his arms over all the paper that spread the width of his desk, and then some onto the floor, “N-Nothing. Sonikku, you shouldn’t startle me like that.” The tone was meant to catch Sonikku off-guard a little, maybe make him apologize. Something like that. Which he did neither of the above. It figured for being him. <i>'Pleasedon’tlookatitSonikkuuu’ </i>And of coarse, the first thing Sonikku had to say,
“Let me see.”
“Nooo Sonikku!” Chrisu laughed nervously, “Stop it.”
“Let me seee. You know you want to show me what you’re working on.” Sonikku padded to the other side of the desk Chrisu was working at, and knelt down to eye level, “Pleaase?”
“Iiie! Sonikku, you’re mean.”
“Am I now? Such a mean and bad Sonikku who ran all the way to Fujiyama to pick these for you. What a mean Sonikku.” Sonikku was officially fake pouting; That always worked. Flicking a slight view of the flowers he had within his grasp; blue colored beautiful flowers-- Chrisu’s favorite color., “Such a bad Sonikku! Can you forgive me for being so mean and unworthy to breath the same air as fair Chrisu?” Moaning, Sonikku flopped backward on the floor, “I am not worthy!”
Chrisu giggled, leaning forward, “ Hey! I’m..s-sorry. I didn’t mean anything like..th-.”
Sonikku bolted upward, giving Chrisu a kiss on the nose, “So you gonna show me what you’re doin’?”
“Iiie!!!”
<i>That night after you left was such ... Ugh I can’t even describe it. I sat there, and cried for hours on end. It wasn’t because of you, either’ none of the memories that we share, or the fact that I still think you’re with me.. Somewhat..
Maybe.. Maybe I’m selfish too that way. Heh. Yeah. You always said I was cute, but what could be more ugly than someone who is selfish?
Liar..</i>
Well, he was awake now. Chrisu sighed, staring at that mirror again; Showing him for what he decided that he was, a fake, fraud, annoyance, plague, disease, unwelcome person. It was intended to just fall asleep again, ignore the day as it went by. Every time he was awake, Chrisu had to think about it all over again; about the days that.. They had. Sonikku.. And no matter what, the brain wouldn’t stop nagging with the annoying feeling of hurting about it. He -wanted- Sonikku to go to his home, and get everything back to the way it was before. He never hurt before.. Sort of.. Maybe.. Maybe
ERRRRGH. That’s <i>all he had to do was think</i> Such a downhill trek.
Chrisu rolled over, covering his head from the daylight which streamed down the corridor. Why couldn't he just stay asleep? Dreams were the one place that the ending was in his very own control, it was where everything always turned out fine. Dreams were the one place right now, where he could meet Sonikku, and call him mean without regretting it.. The one place where.. Well.. That everything went right. Usually.
Do you really want to be me?
You're moving on we'll never be apart
just drain my tears I cry aloud
Running in the rain with Sonikku that day; running with Sonikku never turned out well for one thing. Having a race and Sonikku actually losing it proved that he just wanted Chrisu to win. It happened all the time. During this race right before home though, Chrisu had fallen. It wasn’t surprising..he always fell running in the rain. And even though he wasn’t hurt at all, Sonikku insisted on picking him up and carrying him inside. “S-Sou..You didn’t have to carry me inside. I’m fine. ” The soft bed beneath his feet felt really nice.... Well.. Considering.
“Shh already.” Sonikku smirked. A few strands of that oceanic blue hair started to dangle on Chris’s face, being so long, untamed, and close as that.. “I told you this before, Chrisu.. Whenever you fall, I’m gonna just have to go and pick you up.” He sighed, “You make it a big job. I wonder if your taking advantage of me, Chrisu?”
A light laugh followed that, “Yes, I’m selfish.”
“Now, time to put you down–“
“Iie.. Can’t you just..” He blushed brilliantly at that. After a pause, Chrisu slung his arm around Sonikku’s neck easily. “Nee, I wa-“
“Shh.” “He slid onto the bed, still holding that little burden in his arms, “I said shh already..You are making this a big job.” It was a brash attempt to ease that paining glance which he’d seen often lately, something had been bothering Chrisu lately, and he just wouldn’t come out and say what; despite that it could be read all over his face, in his body language, and tone of voice. Gently tracing his fingers down the side of Chrisu’s face slowly down the side of his shoulders, “Just remember: I’ll be always by your side. To be a part of you, Chrisu.” So soothing and relaxed that he almost had to fight his eyes closing, even though in a matter of a few seconds they had done so despite his resistance; Sonikku leaned forward, letting there lips brush.
All of that, and this was the thing which managed to somehow take him off-guard. Just a little at first. The feeling of their lips actually touching made his freeze up, joints stiffen, and knees instinctively brought up to his chest. W-..what? Blank thoughts, and not a clue as what was this; and that same uneasy feeling made Chris wrap an arm around Sonikku’s waste, clinging to the very person who made him unsure. Their lips parting, and he could only just faintly blush and nod in agreement, “ I want you to–“
<i>’I need to stop this.’ </i>End the pain and suffering
But he wasn’t here now, Sonikku wasn’t by his side. This was now, not back then. Not..
Chrisu walked blindly down his hallways, tracing his hands against the wall to support the lanky form; not exactly sure of the destination, but knowing there was one in sight. It being the end. He...Couldn’t take this anymore, ’I keep seeing you everywhere in this house. I go anywhere in this city, I’ll see you there. All.. The things you did. All the people you helped, all.... the times.. You helped me so much. I need you. I need THAT.’
Glancing outside, to the pool had memories they made: <i>“Do you have a name?"
He smirked back, “Sonikku. Sonikku the hedgehog!”</i> It reminded him; Those were the very first lines of conversation, that’s where they had met. And... looking anywhere had the same affect. To the floor, which he walked across each day. Into the kitchen he stepped, all of them had caused such a racket there...
. Worst... even.. To his own flesh. Glancing down at his hands.. Himself..was the worst part of it all– <I> You’re a part of me, Sonikku. I look at myself.. And..I see pain. I see you-‘</i>
You're moving on you'll never be a part
of all my tears I cry aloud.
<i>“I want to always be with you.. Be.. A part of you.”</i> Pleaseplease don’t let go of me I need you here you’re all that I have to depend on.
Pain.
Both of them dripping with sweat and breathing hard from the hours past. How did it end up this way? Only here in each others presence like this ..intertwined. A simple arm placed around Chrisu...which caused him to flinch noticeably; Maybe he was being to hard on Chrisu..Trailing the flat of his palm against Chrisu’s bare back, taking in the opportunity to press his lips firmly to the wet flesh, sloppily tracing onto the boys shoulders, “Ai...” Heart beating faster, blood running thin. Faster. “Chrisu....Ai-“ Words softly spoken into the ear barely audible at that, Sonikku was trembling shivering despite the heat, that much could be told.
Gripping the sheets tighter trying to bear the pain, the delectation, which he could only whimper out the words to go with it. “S-sonikku, ohh–So-” There were tears running down his face, only being able to tell as occasionally one slipped into Chrisu’s mouth, letting him taste that salty tear. This.. This way, he’d always have a part of Sonikku with him. Always. He could bare this.. Just to.. Have it. A surge of pain crept up his spine, and though trying to choke it back– He screamed. Shock from the sound of it’s piercing made Chrisu choke in a breathe or two before clamping his teethe together so hard it, jaw locked tightly. He----
It hurt to think. Chrisu clutched his head, actually beginning to shake, <i>’Stop stop STOP STOP STOP STOP. I know what happened. I was there. I don’t want to ..be reminded of... of.. Oh god..Sonikku...’</i> That blind sight through tears, he was crying again. Again. “I can’t.. I..” Without a second thought, like he was actually possessed to do so, he grabbed one of the knives off the poultry cutting block, one that had cutting niches... and started to run..
Run to where.. Where it started it should end.
--For all the memories they had.
Choking about over frequent sobs and tears themselves had started to recess into the pools water; the conclusion had been justified, and Chrisu wrapped his fist tightly against the blade.
He jerked the knife out of his palm fist still tightly closed around it, only letting out a tiny squeak in the process. Chrisu glanced down at his hand (they say looking at it made the pain worse, so he did just that.) A deep gash, few droplets of blood fell from it into the floor by which he stood. Most people said that after a while it didn’t hurt, that it was done and over with so quickly, but Ohh. It did hurt a great deal. Like blood was fire. Retaining all those squeaks of pain, he switched hands;
–For all the promises of ‘forever’.
He squeezed the other hand around it as tight as he could shaking as he was, “It...It hurts..” Making him cry even more, but... The floor beneath his feet was becoming salted a brilliant red color with rhythmical dropping of crimson unto it. Steaming, pouring into itself, “I-itai.. Sonikku.” Clenching that savior blade so hard made blood leak through the cracks in his fingers, and trail down his arms. <i>’I don’t know what I’m thinking. How will this make it any better? It.. Won’t bring Sonikku back. It won’t.. Make me feel better, that’s for sure.’</i> He used the other hand to wipe away a few tears, simultaneously getting a nice streak of red across the face also.
<i>’I just want to stop hurting so badly..’</i>
Taking the blade edged downward, cutting nice long lines from the elbow down to the wrist, and wherever else there was skin enough to cut. ”Ohh..Ow..” He cried while he did so. It.. Hurt.. Hurt on the outside almost as much as it did inside. Because he was alone. Again he was alone here. This couldn’t drag on any longer. Living day by day for this normal life, once it was gone, there would be nothing left for him to be remembered by. A name, maybe numbers that people could sum up his life. How. Futile. This was his last. Chrisu stopped for a second, observing the damage he’d sone to himself. Too much.. This was too much. Falling to his knees being dizzy with pain, Chrisu breathed in deeply fresh scent of bloodied air, lifting the blade slowly against his throat;
–For all the things you’ve given.
Pausing, unsure.. Of.. This. How permanent it was. Final. But so was the ending. For some odd reason, a smile cracked over his expression, “You don’t have to carry me.. Anymore, Sonikku.” Pressing it firmly, to where just holding it actually impressed into his skin, “You don’t...” Slit
Unbearable. This was his release.
He could feel the blood pool around him, experiencing the results of what he’d done to himself. It was warm at first just what to expect from a living person. For the moment. Eyes faintly closing, and falling limply forward, “Even this..t-this is selfish, isn’t it?” Because it was the ‘easy way out’ and because the only thing that he wanted was the one thing he couldn’t have. Spoiled. Ungrateful. Selfish. He’d given up on trying now on this delusion. <i>’I tried.. I tried and I couldn’t do it. I’m not strong.’</i>
Time floated by without much notice, still there was no one, and still the suffering continued. But.. To his pleasure.. after a while his thoughts began to detain in stream coming slower to the mind, they stopped almost entirely. There was no more reminiscing of the times they had together, or all of the places they had visited. ’No..more. I don’t have to..’
That red around him had started to grow colder drop by drop; no longer was it that fiery warmth. For the first time, he was scared. Not that.. This would hurt him in any way, or that his life would actually end. He’d fallen. Alone. And not one person was here, “S...son–..” By this time, blue sapphire eyes had grown extremely dull, and majority of his sight was blocked by red that plagued his vision.
He wondered if everything would be alright, wondered if everyone would hate him for this,
wondered if—
<i>“Hey.” He couldn’t help but smirk a little, leaning against the paining of the doorway to Chrisu’s room. “Today..you know..You fell.” There was something different about the way he said it though, like the though of.. Him falling actually hurt. It was unexpected oh Sonikku to show such..”You scared me; It was the worst feeling in the world. I had to pick you up, make sure you were alright.” There was an unexpected break in his sentence, with the utmost surprise, is voice actually -cracked- and wavered as he turned to leave, ‘Whenever you fall, I’m gonna just have to go and pick you up.’ Alright?”</i>
“It’s time that I go.. I have to leave you. I don’t know.. How.. To say this..”
Upon those sole words, he could of sworn there should have known...
<i>Remembering that yelling from the night before, they were having a fight... fight.. Parents fought? Weren’t they happy all the time? Mama loved Papa....so why did Papa have a suitcase? Why did they keep yelling at each other and stop when he was around? Chrisu blinked those bright blue eyes, still hugging his teddy-bear that was eagerly seized for some support, “Neee.. Papa.. Are you going somewhere? Can I come?”
“No, you can’t come. ..I.. Don’t think we’re going to be seeing each other for a while. So just have your bear keep you company, okay? Until Papa comes home?”
By this time.. He’d forgotten what the bears name was.. “Ne ne! Papa! What do you mean? Where is Papa going?”
“..Your Mama and I.. We’re going..to.. Well.. Grown-ups need alone time to try and think about things, what we’ve assessed over time. Well..” Trying to get it into terms the four-year-old could understand..so difficult. But with an utterly serious tone: </i>
Those words .... never went away. Even with you here.
<i>“I mean that.. ..Son, You should
never get attached to anything.”</i>
<i>A quick grimace to the room where his wife resided, “Doing that sets yourself up for loss. You don’t ever want to lose anything, son. Remember that. Nothing lasts forever, not even love. Understand me, Christopher?” Bending down and placing a firm hand on his shoulder, just before leaving–</i>
’This.’ This was happening again. Again. <i>’Again.’</i>
Witnessing this nauseating repeat of history. And in some round-about way, he wasn’t mentally there at the moment- with racing thoughts consuming so much he couldn’t manage any expression but a blank gaze, docile, and disconnected from reality. He was leaving. He was leaving He was leaving.
<i>’Papa... he was right. You can’t.. You can’t... ever.. become attached to anything. It always leaves yourself open to loss. It was setting me up for failure. I set myself up. I cut my own throat on this one. I did this. I.. Sonikku. And I don’t regret it, Though it’s killing me...’</i>
“I’m sorry. Chrisu.”
But all of these thoughts, Chrisu stared down not saying so much as a word. He didn’t blink, and he couldn’t even think of a word to say. This had happened so many times.. <i>’Here I go again. Here I go again with this.... this.. They always say that ‘we’ll see each other again, promise’ or guarantee me letters. It never happened. It’s not going to happen because that’s not even the case this time. You can’t see me again. You..can’t.’</i> That was it then, was it? Just like that? Somehow.. Maybe.. Chrisu disillusioned himself that this would have some different ending. Another result from this. He felt his fists clench tightly, “I’m so -stupid- for thinking that you could stay here.” Here he was, reliving all of this past once more. It came down to this same bitter routine time and time and time again, this wasn’t any different from usual: putting on that happy act while the realization came that he was alone.. And that it was ..Soni--..no..it was his very own gullibility that had done it.
“I have to go home now..Chrisu.”
It hurt so badly, and he wouldn't even let himself flinch.
“You should go..home.” Finally, Chrisu managed to mumble out those simple words, with such a disgustingly fake smile. “You belong there. You’d be happier.” All those times that he would have to go through people leaving him- this was it. He’d gone through enough of people toying with his mind, taking advantage of him, leading him on to think there was actually hope when the plain truth came down to it: Nothing -did- last forever. Sonikku had told him that he would ‘never be alone’ and that ‘I’ll always be with you’... He wanted to be angry, hate him, feel regret, and couldn’t even manage those simple emotions. He couldn’t feel anything...because..
He..
All the things he’d come to known being taken away with just a few simple words, leaving this giant open gap. This had returned back to that old Chrisu he’d once bound himself up in. ’It hurts.. So bad.. Oh god, it hurts..’ It was desperately against his will for him to cry, though.. This seemed inevitable enough.
Sonikku glanced back to him alert, And still his expression remained blank. Same. Un-changed. Trying to resolute some action in thought. Seeing tears run down his face in desperation to help. CRYING. He hated to see Chrisu cry like this. Hated it. And.. Hated the fact that it was him who.. Made it happen, “I don’t want to go... If you’re going to be this way, I’ll stay here. I can have lots of fun in this world and– I promised you that I would try and heal all that peo--.”
“NO. You belong at home. HOME.” He paused, “You’ll be my sweetest memory, that’s..all....” Chrisu paused for a second, and cringed, “I’ll leave first be-because I don’t want to see you leave if you don’t mind.” He paused,” ...Sayonara....Sonikku the hedgehog.”
Sonikku just bared a tearing stare of his own, watching one of the most important people just walk away from him and he was the reason.. That.. It happened. Chrisu had been hurt so much in the past by people, by the ones that mattered to him the most just up and leaving him to be alone, and now here he was, just a mere contributor to that pain. He -caused- it. Right after he .. Promised to help and try to make all that pain go away here he bared the knife that cut Chrisu deepest, “You’re strong, Chrisu. You can do this..”
Forever after had ended, just like was foretold.
<i>Sonikku, you wanted to be the one to heal all my pain. You don’t understand that you can’t, not when you’re the one who hurt me the most this time.. You're killing me, though I never thought you could ever matter this much
but
you do.
But since it’s you, since it’s Sonikku, who hurt me like this.....
I don't think that I mind.</i>
Staring at the sun no rays down on me
I call you in my arms, embrace is unreal
You're moving on we'll never be apart;
just drain my tears I cry aloud.
This empty house once more, everywhere, holding memories that were now long past. Memories. All those times they had some conversations; all the words they spoke to each other echoed off the walls; Their first meeting still lingered there when he got home. Empty corridors and rooms that were once for their guests now just ...plainly.. Unoccupied. Chrisu's glance darted to something that moved..
Oh..it was only that- Only his reflection in one of the mirrors. For a moment, Chrisu paused just to study that broken and torn expression that he had. ' No wonder he left. You can never do anything right, can you? So what reason is there to—<i>....Iiie.. Sonikku always said that I always..was...cute. Special. Kind. Why can't I just let this go? It'll only be a little while. A little while. I’ll get over it like I always do.. I always manage to..’</i> He looked away, not wanting to stare at that anymore. How could Sonikku ever get him to believe that he was worthwhile? No one else ever seemed to think as much.
He didn’t even bother to take a few more steps on the lengthy walk to his bedroom, just slouched against one of the walls in a halt.. Sliding down the side of it until his head met his knees.
Sniff.
“...I understand.”
You're moving on, you'll never be a part
of all my tears I cry aloud
Calling on your sins, you're here in my dreams;
a desert place, I'm not alone
There were papers littered all over the floor, scrunched up in little tiny wads of paper and randomly thrown to every corner of Chrisu’s dwelling-place. Green eyes passed over them with an utter curiosity, “Hey there? What’cha up to?” That blue hair, distinctive smirk upon his face, and always with the fresh bouquet of flowers from one of the other archipelago peninsulas, “Chrisu? What are you doing there?”
“Ne! Na. AHAHHA....” He lunged his arms over all the paper that spread the width of his desk, and then some onto the floor, “N-Nothing. Sonikku, you shouldn’t startle me like that.” The tone was meant to catch Sonikku off-guard a little, maybe make him apologize. Something like that. Which he did neither of the above. It figured for being him. <i>'Pleasedon’tlookatitSonikkuuu’ </i>And of coarse, the first thing Sonikku had to say,
“Let me see.”
“Nooo Sonikku!” Chrisu laughed nervously, “Stop it.”
“Let me seee. You know you want to show me what you’re working on.” Sonikku padded to the other side of the desk Chrisu was working at, and knelt down to eye level, “Pleaase?”
“Iiie! Sonikku, you’re mean.”
“Am I now? Such a mean and bad Sonikku who ran all the way to Fujiyama to pick these for you. What a mean Sonikku.” Sonikku was officially fake pouting; That always worked. Flicking a slight view of the flowers he had within his grasp; blue colored beautiful flowers-- Chrisu’s favorite color., “Such a bad Sonikku! Can you forgive me for being so mean and unworthy to breath the same air as fair Chrisu?” Moaning, Sonikku flopped backward on the floor, “I am not worthy!”
Chrisu giggled, leaning forward, “ Hey! I’m..s-sorry. I didn’t mean anything like..th-.”
Sonikku bolted upward, giving Chrisu a kiss on the nose, “So you gonna show me what you’re doin’?”
“Iiie!!!”
<i>That night after you left was such ... Ugh I can’t even describe it. I sat there, and cried for hours on end. It wasn’t because of you, either’ none of the memories that we share, or the fact that I still think you’re with me.. Somewhat..
Maybe.. Maybe I’m selfish too that way. Heh. Yeah. You always said I was cute, but what could be more ugly than someone who is selfish?
Liar..</i>
Well, he was awake now. Chrisu sighed, staring at that mirror again; Showing him for what he decided that he was, a fake, fraud, annoyance, plague, disease, unwelcome person. It was intended to just fall asleep again, ignore the day as it went by. Every time he was awake, Chrisu had to think about it all over again; about the days that.. They had. Sonikku.. And no matter what, the brain wouldn’t stop nagging with the annoying feeling of hurting about it. He -wanted- Sonikku to go to his home, and get everything back to the way it was before. He never hurt before.. Sort of.. Maybe.. Maybe
ERRRRGH. That’s <i>all he had to do was think</i> Such a downhill trek.
Chrisu rolled over, covering his head from the daylight which streamed down the corridor. Why couldn't he just stay asleep? Dreams were the one place that the ending was in his very own control, it was where everything always turned out fine. Dreams were the one place right now, where he could meet Sonikku, and call him mean without regretting it.. The one place where.. Well.. That everything went right. Usually.
Do you really want to be me?
You're moving on we'll never be apart
just drain my tears I cry aloud
Running in the rain with Sonikku that day; running with Sonikku never turned out well for one thing. Having a race and Sonikku actually losing it proved that he just wanted Chrisu to win. It happened all the time. During this race right before home though, Chrisu had fallen. It wasn’t surprising..he always fell running in the rain. And even though he wasn’t hurt at all, Sonikku insisted on picking him up and carrying him inside. “S-Sou..You didn’t have to carry me inside. I’m fine. ” The soft bed beneath his feet felt really nice.... Well.. Considering.
“Shh already.” Sonikku smirked. A few strands of that oceanic blue hair started to dangle on Chris’s face, being so long, untamed, and close as that.. “I told you this before, Chrisu.. Whenever you fall, I’m gonna just have to go and pick you up.” He sighed, “You make it a big job. I wonder if your taking advantage of me, Chrisu?”
A light laugh followed that, “Yes, I’m selfish.”
“Now, time to put you down–“
“Iie.. Can’t you just..” He blushed brilliantly at that. After a pause, Chrisu slung his arm around Sonikku’s neck easily. “Nee, I wa-“
“Shh.” “He slid onto the bed, still holding that little burden in his arms, “I said shh already..You are making this a big job.” It was a brash attempt to ease that paining glance which he’d seen often lately, something had been bothering Chrisu lately, and he just wouldn’t come out and say what; despite that it could be read all over his face, in his body language, and tone of voice. Gently tracing his fingers down the side of Chrisu’s face slowly down the side of his shoulders, “Just remember: I’ll be always by your side. To be a part of you, Chrisu.” So soothing and relaxed that he almost had to fight his eyes closing, even though in a matter of a few seconds they had done so despite his resistance; Sonikku leaned forward, letting there lips brush.
All of that, and this was the thing which managed to somehow take him off-guard. Just a little at first. The feeling of their lips actually touching made his freeze up, joints stiffen, and knees instinctively brought up to his chest. W-..what? Blank thoughts, and not a clue as what was this; and that same uneasy feeling made Chris wrap an arm around Sonikku’s waste, clinging to the very person who made him unsure. Their lips parting, and he could only just faintly blush and nod in agreement, “ I want you to–“
<i>’I need to stop this.’ </i>End the pain and suffering
But he wasn’t here now, Sonikku wasn’t by his side. This was now, not back then. Not..
Chrisu walked blindly down his hallways, tracing his hands against the wall to support the lanky form; not exactly sure of the destination, but knowing there was one in sight. It being the end. He...Couldn’t take this anymore, ’I keep seeing you everywhere in this house. I go anywhere in this city, I’ll see you there. All.. The things you did. All the people you helped, all.... the times.. You helped me so much. I need you. I need THAT.’
Glancing outside, to the pool had memories they made: <i>“Do you have a name?"
He smirked back, “Sonikku. Sonikku the hedgehog!”</i> It reminded him; Those were the very first lines of conversation, that’s where they had met. And... looking anywhere had the same affect. To the floor, which he walked across each day. Into the kitchen he stepped, all of them had caused such a racket there...
. Worst... even.. To his own flesh. Glancing down at his hands.. Himself..was the worst part of it all– <I> You’re a part of me, Sonikku. I look at myself.. And..I see pain. I see you-‘</i>
You're moving on you'll never be a part
of all my tears I cry aloud.
<i>“I want to always be with you.. Be.. A part of you.”</i> Pleaseplease don’t let go of me I need you here you’re all that I have to depend on.
Pain.
Both of them dripping with sweat and breathing hard from the hours past. How did it end up this way? Only here in each others presence like this ..intertwined. A simple arm placed around Chrisu...which caused him to flinch noticeably; Maybe he was being to hard on Chrisu..Trailing the flat of his palm against Chrisu’s bare back, taking in the opportunity to press his lips firmly to the wet flesh, sloppily tracing onto the boys shoulders, “Ai...” Heart beating faster, blood running thin. Faster. “Chrisu....Ai-“ Words softly spoken into the ear barely audible at that, Sonikku was trembling shivering despite the heat, that much could be told.
Gripping the sheets tighter trying to bear the pain, the delectation, which he could only whimper out the words to go with it. “S-sonikku, ohh–So-” There were tears running down his face, only being able to tell as occasionally one slipped into Chrisu’s mouth, letting him taste that salty tear. This.. This way, he’d always have a part of Sonikku with him. Always. He could bare this.. Just to.. Have it. A surge of pain crept up his spine, and though trying to choke it back– He screamed. Shock from the sound of it’s piercing made Chrisu choke in a breathe or two before clamping his teethe together so hard it, jaw locked tightly. He----
It hurt to think. Chrisu clutched his head, actually beginning to shake, <i>’Stop stop STOP STOP STOP STOP. I know what happened. I was there. I don’t want to ..be reminded of... of.. Oh god..Sonikku...’</i> That blind sight through tears, he was crying again. Again. “I can’t.. I..” Without a second thought, like he was actually possessed to do so, he grabbed one of the knives off the poultry cutting block, one that had cutting niches... and started to run..
Run to where.. Where it started it should end.
--For all the memories they had.
Choking about over frequent sobs and tears themselves had started to recess into the pools water; the conclusion had been justified, and Chrisu wrapped his fist tightly against the blade.
He jerked the knife out of his palm fist still tightly closed around it, only letting out a tiny squeak in the process. Chrisu glanced down at his hand (they say looking at it made the pain worse, so he did just that.) A deep gash, few droplets of blood fell from it into the floor by which he stood. Most people said that after a while it didn’t hurt, that it was done and over with so quickly, but Ohh. It did hurt a great deal. Like blood was fire. Retaining all those squeaks of pain, he switched hands;
–For all the promises of ‘forever’.
He squeezed the other hand around it as tight as he could shaking as he was, “It...It hurts..” Making him cry even more, but... The floor beneath his feet was becoming salted a brilliant red color with rhythmical dropping of crimson unto it. Steaming, pouring into itself, “I-itai.. Sonikku.” Clenching that savior blade so hard made blood leak through the cracks in his fingers, and trail down his arms. <i>’I don’t know what I’m thinking. How will this make it any better? It.. Won’t bring Sonikku back. It won’t.. Make me feel better, that’s for sure.’</i> He used the other hand to wipe away a few tears, simultaneously getting a nice streak of red across the face also.
<i>’I just want to stop hurting so badly..’</i>
Taking the blade edged downward, cutting nice long lines from the elbow down to the wrist, and wherever else there was skin enough to cut. ”Ohh..Ow..” He cried while he did so. It.. Hurt.. Hurt on the outside almost as much as it did inside. Because he was alone. Again he was alone here. This couldn’t drag on any longer. Living day by day for this normal life, once it was gone, there would be nothing left for him to be remembered by. A name, maybe numbers that people could sum up his life. How. Futile. This was his last. Chrisu stopped for a second, observing the damage he’d sone to himself. Too much.. This was too much. Falling to his knees being dizzy with pain, Chrisu breathed in deeply fresh scent of bloodied air, lifting the blade slowly against his throat;
–For all the things you’ve given.
Pausing, unsure.. Of.. This. How permanent it was. Final. But so was the ending. For some odd reason, a smile cracked over his expression, “You don’t have to carry me.. Anymore, Sonikku.” Pressing it firmly, to where just holding it actually impressed into his skin, “You don’t...” Slit
Unbearable. This was his release.
He could feel the blood pool around him, experiencing the results of what he’d done to himself. It was warm at first just what to expect from a living person. For the moment. Eyes faintly closing, and falling limply forward, “Even this..t-this is selfish, isn’t it?” Because it was the ‘easy way out’ and because the only thing that he wanted was the one thing he couldn’t have. Spoiled. Ungrateful. Selfish. He’d given up on trying now on this delusion. <i>’I tried.. I tried and I couldn’t do it. I’m not strong.’</i>
Time floated by without much notice, still there was no one, and still the suffering continued. But.. To his pleasure.. after a while his thoughts began to detain in stream coming slower to the mind, they stopped almost entirely. There was no more reminiscing of the times they had together, or all of the places they had visited. ’No..more. I don’t have to..’
That red around him had started to grow colder drop by drop; no longer was it that fiery warmth. For the first time, he was scared. Not that.. This would hurt him in any way, or that his life would actually end. He’d fallen. Alone. And not one person was here, “S...son–..” By this time, blue sapphire eyes had grown extremely dull, and majority of his sight was blocked by red that plagued his vision.
He wondered if everything would be alright, wondered if everyone would hate him for this,
wondered if—
<i>“Hey.” He couldn’t help but smirk a little, leaning against the paining of the doorway to Chrisu’s room. “Today..you know..You fell.” There was something different about the way he said it though, like the though of.. Him falling actually hurt. It was unexpected oh Sonikku to show such..”You scared me; It was the worst feeling in the world. I had to pick you up, make sure you were alright.” There was an unexpected break in his sentence, with the utmost surprise, is voice actually -cracked- and wavered as he turned to leave, ‘Whenever you fall, I’m gonna just have to go and pick you up.’ Alright?”</i>