Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ Sonic Sports Series ❯ Half time insanity of insane proportions ( Chapter 1 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

O.k., this is my first one shot, but I may decide to write another sports themed one-shot. depending on how many reviews I get. If I get a none, I won’t be. If I don’t, It will. So if you like it, give me a review, simple as that. But anyway, no doubt you want to read it and decide whether it is a crime against mankind before you review it. So I welcome you to…
HALF TIME INSANITY OF INSANE PROPORTIONS!
Oh, and by the way, I do not own or claim to own Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, Rouge, Cream, Shadow, Jet, Vanilla, Nights, Espio, Vector or Eggman. Or any other character I mention that is owned by SEGA. Oh yeah, and the same goes for Michael Jackson. Hopefully they won’t sue my ass to kingdom come now. Onwards to stupidity!

(In the changing rooms)
Sonic: Tell me again, Tails. Why are you team captain and not me?
Tails: Because we all remember the last time you tried to head the ball, Sonic. Same for Shadow.
Sonic: But what about Jet?
Tails: He’s not on the team. He just can’t accept the fact that you can’t play football on extreme gear.
Sonic: OO;
Tails: What is it now?
Sonic: I just saw Amy… getting changed!
Tails: (shudder)
Shadow: Game time.
Tails: Oh crap.
(In the commentary box)
TheVulpineHero1: How in the name of hell did you manage to talk me into this? I hate football!
StrangeDragonDude: Wheeeee!
BernardTheBeanpole: Agree with me when I’m talking to you!
ScootTH: I love burritos!
TheVulpineHero1: I live in a world populated by rabid vomit-monkeys…
(on pitch)
Vanilla: Right, this match will be held between the Sonic ass-kickers and Eggman’s we-cheat Army. I want to see a nice, cheating free game, because despite the fact that I am the referee, I don’t know the rules.
TheVulpineHero1: Right. This game between Eggman’s we-cheat army, managed by Eggman, and the Sonic ass-kickers, managed by… Hey, why the hell is my name on here?
ScootTH: The Sonic ass-kickers is playing with a fairly solid 4-3-3 formation. With Sonic, Shadow, Espio and the team captain Tails as the strikers, they should have no problem scoring.
BernardTheBeanpole: I don’t care, leave me alone!
StrangeDragonDude: Whee!
TheVulpineHero1: Get out of that spinning chair!
Big: Duuhh, I’m a goalie!
Amy: We know that. You’ve spent the last 5 minutes telling us that!
TheVulpineHero1: Right, then. With Amy, Knuckles and Vector as defenders, the opposing team might well be too afraid to come anywhere near the goal for fear of being attacked and killed, either through the guy’s violence or Amy’s bad looks…
Sonic: Right, I think we should try and win.
Tails: -.-
ScootTH: The Sonic midfield, made up of Rouge, Nights and Cream, are all flying up in the sky with the ball. Cream passes to Sonic…
Sonic: On my head, strange flying rabbit creature!
Tails: Hey, watch what you say about Cream! I mean, Sonic, don’t try for the header!
Sonic: I’ve got it!
(Loud pop)
BernardTheBeanpole: Damn, Sonic popped my ball! YA HEAR ME FREAK? YOU OWE ME A NEW BALL!
TheVulpineHero1: Why in the name of hell did you offer to lend your ball to what is essentially a disease ridden porcupine?
Sonic: I’m a hedgehog! THERE’S A DIFFERENCE!
TheVulpineHero1: Yeah, hedgehogs are easier to run over.
StrangeDragonDude: Wheee!
TheVulpineHero1: (Headspiral)
Everyone: Headspiral?
TheVulpineHero1: Headspiral:Noun. A small black spiral shaped cloud above a person’s head, traditionally used in comics to show anger, sarcasm or frustration.
Everyone: Oh.
TheVulpineHero1: (Headspiral)
Everyone: Headspiral?
TheVulpineHero1: (Sweatdrop) Look at the game, you fools.
Vanilla: Half time! You guys wasted 45 minutes and hardly anyone touched the ball. You are real world class players, you know that?
Tails: Hey, we’re better than Becks.
Everyone: You got that right!
Tails: Right, back to the changing rooms.
( In the commentators booth)
ScootTH: Bud.
BernardTheBeanpole: Wise.
StrangeDragonDude: Er.
ScootTH: Bud.
BernardTheBeanpole: Wise.
StrangeDragonDude: Er.
ScootTH: Bud.
BernardTheBeanpole: Wise.
StrangeDragonDude: Er.
TheVulpineHero1: (Headspiral) Why do I even bother?
(Changing rooms)
Tails: Right, let’s sort something out. Why is Nights playing for us?
Sonic: Yeah! He’s not part of the gang!
Nights: …
Knuckles: Oh yeah. He doesn’t talk.
Rouge: That was the shortest 45 minutes in my life.
Cream: Yeah! I haven’t even got to see Tails play yet!
Espio: Hey Rouge, how about after the game you and I…
Knuckles: BUTT OUT BUDDY!
(Commentators box)
BernardTheBeanpole: I need to raise an important issue.
TheVulpineHero1: What?
BernardTheBeanpole: I want to petion for spaces in my name.
ScootTH: Why are we here again?
StrangeDragonDude: And where’s TVH?
(Changing rooms)
Tails: Get your paws out of my locker!
Shadow: Why must I be tormented so?
TheVulpineHero1: SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!
Everyone: Meep!
TheVulpineHero1: I always wanted to shout that. Anyway, I have some news.
Tails: What?
TheVulpineHero1: You didn’t really play for 45 minutes. Not only does the ref not know the rules, she can’t set a watch either. Now get your butts out there.
( On the pitch)
Vanilla: Sorry about that folks! Let the match be continued!
TheVulpineHero1: (Sweatdrop) Right, Cream plays to Tails, Tails to Sonic, Sonic to Shadow, Shadow to Espio, Espio to Tails, Tails is on goal!
Tails: Must not miss! Must…Talk…In…Fragments…While doing… the…matrix!
ScootTH: And it’s a goal!
Cream: Tails is so FLUFFY!
Sonic: That should have been mine!
BernardTheBeanpole: The ball is back in play!
StrangeDragonDude: Why must the demon of TILT invade the game?
TheVulpineHero1: Football, not pinball!
Vanilla: HALF TIME!
StrangeDragonDude: She’s right as well.
TheVulpineHero1: Bored now! Sleepy sleepy!
ScootTH: Yes, this match which will decide the fate of the world is really heating up!
BernardTheBeanpole: Who said anything about the fate of the world?
StrangeDragonDude: Whee!
TheVulpineHero1: (Headspiral) Get off the chair, you lout!
ScootTH: Don’t reduce us to a yob culture!
TheVulpineHero1: We don’t call them yobs anymore. We call them England fans.
BernardTheBeanpole: Spongebob Squarepants!
TheVulpineHero1: Michael Jackson!
(Everyone looks terrified)
TheVulpineHero1: It’s all right. He doesn’t exist.
(Everyone looks relived)
ScootTH: (Headspiral) Wow, so that’s what it feels like!
( In the changing rooms)
Tails: So, we need to let our guard down slightly. Our defenders want to commit mutiny because the ball never went past our midfield.
Amy: And brandy! We want brandy!
Vector: And bubblegum!
Knuckles: I need to pee!
Tails: Go. Now. You. Moron.
(Commentator’s box)
TheVulpineHero1: How now, brown cow?
ScootTH: Shut up, you confusing person!
StrangeDragonDude: Whee!
BernardTheBeanpole: Spare us, as he goes whee in the spinning chair of utter ANNIHILATION!
TheVulpineHero1: Must I use my ultimate weapon, THE INCIDIOUS WHOOP WHOOP DANCE?
Everyone: HELL NO!
(Changing Rooms)
Tails: Cream, what are you doing?
Cream: Checking to see if you have a sprained ankle.
Tails: And since when did that involve attaching yourself to my legs?
Rouge: Knux, are you actually going to do anything this game?
Knuckles: Yes. Sit down.
Rouge: You’d better have a jog after the game then, otherwise my Knuxsie-Wuxsie might get fat!
Shadow: Ahem. May I be the first to say… KNUXSIE-WUXSIE? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Tails: Cream, please, you’re making me uncomfortable! If you must hang onto my legs, could you, er, descend a few inches?
Cream:Awwww!
Tails: Plus, I can’t really play with you hugging my thighs!
Amy: Aww, they’re so cute! Why can’t we do that, Sonic?
Sonic: Can’t you be content with stalking me?
Shadow: Time to go out there and kick some ass!
(On the pitch)
Vanilla: Right, lets have a good, clean second half. I don’t want to see any…TAILS, WHY THE HELL IS MY DAUGHTER HUGGING YOUR LEGS?
Tails: I couldn’t pry her off before the game started!
TheVulpineHero1: With the team captain temporarily handicapped, the we-cheat army has started to live up to their name. Their striker has just hacked down the opposing goalie.
Big: Duuh, my leg is broken!
Amy: That’s the smartest thing he’s said. Ever.
BernardTheBeanpole: The Sonic ass-kickers now have lost their goalie, and now the we-cheat army are taking advantage of it. Yes, those football- firing bazookas are really carving holes in the ass-kicker’s defence!
TheVulpineHero1: And yet our criminally inept referee does nothing!
StrangeDragonDude: Whee!
ScootTH: And it looks like this game is going to come to an extremely premature end, because the we-cheat goalie has just changed the stadium clock so that we only have five minutes left!
TheVulpineHero1: I don’t know what’s going on, I don’t care what’s going on, all I know is that it is time to unveil my secret weapon!(Pulls out remote control with a big red button on it)
Everyone:Ooo! It’s a red button, so it must be dangerous!
TheVulpineHero1: Get lost, muffin man! (Throws away remote and brings out another with a blue button on it) Muhahahahaahahahahahaahhahhahahahahahahahahah!
Everyone: Don’t do it!
TheVulpineHero1: Do what? Oh, this? (Pushes button) MULTIBALL!
Tails: ARGGGHHH!
Cream: EEEEK! (Gets hit by football and loses grip on Tails legs)
Sonic, Shadow, Espio and Tails: BONSAI!
ScootTH: Hundreds and hundreds of footballs, pinging around the pitch like an insane asylum patient!
BernardTheBeanpole: The score, which was previously 7-1 to the we-cheat army, has turned to 24-7 to the ass-kickers! And with that, I’ve wasted enough time to end the game!
TheVulpineHero1: Indeed, ye are the biggest waste of time I have ever seen.
StrangeDragonDude: Whee!
TheVulpineHero1: Get off that strange spinning contraption, ye lout, or I be calling the guards of Buckinghamshire castle to put an end to your joviality and merriment!
BernardTheBeanpole: Help, he’s talking in old English!
TheVulpineHero1:Surely we can settle our differences over a spot of tea and a friendly game of tennis?
Tails: Huh? I thought we were playing football?
TheVulpineHero1: You what?
ScootTH: He’s back to normal!
TheVulpineHero1: And all the fans are streaming onto the pitch!
Cream: But there’s only one old guy! Is he our only fan?
Old Guy: Nope, I’m the caretaker. Face it, you guys suck. Eggs.
TheVulpineHero1: Okay, perhaps I was exaggerating a little bit.
Cream: WAAAAAH! Everyone hates us!
Tails: Cream, don’t be stupid. Not everyone’s met us yet.
StrangeDragonDude: WHEE! Erp!
BernardTheBeanpole: Don’t vomit over my shoes!
TheVulpineHero: MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Pulls out green button)
Everyone: NOOOOOOO!
TheVulpineHero1: (pushes button) MONSTER TRUCKS!
Tails: Yay! I can rewire mine!
Cream: You can rewire OURS, you mean!
Vanilla: Cream, I forbid you to get into that monster truck!
Sonic: So why are you telling me?
Vanilla: Oh, crumbs.
TVH: Boingy boingy!
BernardTheBeanpole: Jaffa jaffa jaffa jaffa jaffa!
StrangeDragonDude: Luke, you need a haircut, you big, fat girly haired wuss.
ScootTH: Rip off.
TVH: Don't dis tha waffle! I warn ya, tha waffle is not to be dissed! Other things not to be dissed are: Dinosaurs, muffins, dead people, space pirates, me, and cows.
BernardTheBeanpole: Why cows?
TVH: Because. They have a plan.
Cow Warlord: MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
TVH: NEVER! WE WILL NEVER SURRENDER OUR PLANET AND ITS TASTY, TASTY GRASS!
Tails: Wait. So cows want to take over the world?
ScootTH: Apparantly so.
Sonic: You don't seem all that surprised.
ScootTH: I hang around with TVH. When you've seen him, nothing surprises you.
TVH: Here comes the lone rangeress!
Lone Rangeress: I have come to combat the threat of the mighty cows!
TVH: Hi, A. Hows the family?
Lone Rangeress: Shut up! You'll blow my secret identity!
BernardTheBeanpole: Hubba hubba! What's a good looking girl like you doing in a place like this?
Lone Rangeress: Saving the world from insane cows. Duh!
TVH: You do that. As for me, I'm going home. To feed ducks.
StrangeDragonDude: Wow, you take the fate of the world really seriously, don't you?

The Lone rangeress fought her hardest to defeat the evil cows, and after a long battle and several typos, succeeded in her quest. The Sonic team stood there and twidled their thumbs, which must be quite hard with such big gloves. TheVulpineHero1 went home and fed ducks, and to this day still feeds them. Sometimes. StrangeDragonDude got himself his very own spinny chair, and went on to die alone and friendless after spinning himself into the jungle where his corpse was found. BernardTheBeanpole robbed the local wineshop, and is currently serving time in jail. ScootTh picked the short straw, and got stuck writing this stupid epilogue.

FIN

I don't intend to write another story like this, but I just might if you ask me nicely. And bring cake. Oh, and yes, I didn't try very hard at that ending. Goodbye!