Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Adventures of Eggman ❯ Episode 1 - "My Pop-Star Adventure!" ( Chapter 1 )

The Adventures of Eggman

A triple team production by:

THE TRIPLE PEEPS

Apollo Alexandre, a.k.a. "Grand Master Shoma" (GMS)

Neusa Gaspar, a.k.a. "Judge Neusy"

Carlos Alexandre, a.k.a. "CMA" (CMA)

Judge Neusy: DISCLAIMER: Any characters mentioned in this story that are not the distinctive likenesses of anyone else--including, but not limited to, Sega, Sonic Team, Nintendo, Clamp, Nelvana, etc.--were created by us, and may not be used without our permission. All characters and distinctive likenesses not created by us are the property of their respective owners.

Grand Master Shoma: I quit!

Judge Neusy: Why?

GMS: Because you know we aren't getting paid! And thus forth.

JN: Okay...

GMS: And also the fact that this is getting harder and harder to come up with. We can't afford to have opening banter anymore!

JN: But it doesn't cost anything!

Eggman: SILENCE!

GMS: Hmm, he's never done that before...

CMA: And now, on with our show!

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Eggman [talking to Sonic and Shadow]: You know what guys? I've realized a couple of things today!

Sonic [puzzled]: Why are you in my house? [points at Shadow]: And why are YOU in my house, giving Shade a bath in the sink?

Shade [Shadow's dark Chao; cute voice]: I'm washing the plates with my body! I'm a walrus! [meows]

Eggman: Firstly, you two are both big softies! Secondly, this is Tails's house.

Shadow: I'm not a softy! I'm the ultimate life form, dammit!

Eggman: Then what are you doing?

[Shadow, as mentioned above, is bathing Shade.]

Shadow [angry]: This is a hobby!

Shade [sad]: I'm a hobby? [happy] Okay, as long as I don't know what a hobby is!

Sonic: What about me?

Eggman [sarcastically]: Tails has been run over by a cheap limousine, and someone started kicking his corpse!

Sonic [freaking out]: TAILS, NOOOO!!! Wait a minute, you fat piece of sh--

Eggman [interrupting Sonic]: I knew you wouldn't fall for that.

Sonic: Then why ask me--

Eggman [continuing]: Furthermore, I need to conquer OTHER things!

Sonic [laughing at him]: You don't conquer jack shit, Eggman!

Eggman [angry]: Like HELL I didn't conquer anything! I already conquered the Moon Kingdom, dammit! [Explanation Pending]

Shade [looking worried]: I think there's a fork stuck in my bottom!

Juki [walking in the room]: OOH! Looks like fun! [jumps into the dish water; the two Chao start to splash each other]

Eggman [a little irritated]: ... That's it! I'm going to Pop-Star!

Sonic: What's a Pop-Star?

Shadow: Like *NSYNC, you idiot!

Eggman [gets mad all of a sudden]: ARGH! [leaves Tails's house; slams the door]

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Eggman [serious tone]: The adventures... [gets louder] of MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

♪♫

Clark Kent's super

Bruce Wayne's Batman

Everyone else

Just looooves Eggman!

♪♫

Sonic [pops up out of nowhere]: Not me!

♪♫

Everyone who's evil

Just looooves Eggman!

♪♫

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The Adventures of Eggman

Episode 1:

"My Pop-Star Adventure!"

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COMMERCIAL

Tomoyo [from Card Captors; Madison in the dub; giddy, but not overly giddy]: I'm taking over for Eggy-chan!

Eggman [starting up the Egg Carrier, in preparation for his trip to Pop-Star]: Don't call me "Eggy-chan."

Tomoyo: No problem, Eggy-chan!

[Eggman scowls, then leaves.]

Tomoyo: What am I supposed to do?

Bob [Eggman's cameraman with the badly-done Scottish accent; read Cronies]: Ach! We started with ploys to make people join the Eggman Empire! [hangs head in shame] But then we got petty!

[Tomoyo's cell phone starts to ring; Tomoyo answers; it's Eggman.]

Tomoyo [answering the phone]: Hello?

Eggman: You have to start selling my promotional CDs! If you just look to your left [Tomoyo looks] you'll find a messy pile of CDs labeled "Eggman Empire - JOIN." That's the name of the CD! The smash hit is called... JOIN. See ya later! [hangs up]

Bob [to Tomoyo]: Ach! The boss himself couldn't get people to join! What chances does a wee lass have?

Tomoyo: Oh pish-posh! You worry too much! [grabs one of the CDs]

Bob [panicking]: Ach! You're on!

Tomoyo [facing camera]: Really? Oh, fine. [reading from the script] Hello good people. I am Dr. Eggman.

[Bob slaps his forehead with his hand and shakes his head.]

Tomoyo [continuing]: You wouldn't think you could fit 2,400 tracks on a single CD, now would you?

Bob [noticing that the switchboards are lighting up]: Ach! We have telephones?

Tomoyo [still going, as charming as ever]: Its featured song, JOIN, is, well, every track! I'll demonstrate!

[Tomoyo puts the CD into a CD player, and presses play. After a moment...]

CD Player [Eggman's voice]: ... JOIN! [goes on to track 2] ... JOIN! [goes on to track 3] ... JOIN!

[Eggman's voice saying JOIN continues to play in the background]

Tomoyo [a little puzzled]: Um, it says here that each CD is available at the low, low price of joining the Eggman Empire. [continues to read the script] Oddly enough, I want to join myself. I'm so into that Eggman Empire. Oh, wait, I own it. [Tomoyo flips ahead a few pages, a little puzzled] ...And it goes on like this...

Bob [still surprised at the amount of incoming calls]: Ach! Why would the boss put that in his own script? He's so dumb! [*blatant foreshadowing alert*] I've got to start answering calls! We be endin' for now, lass!

Tomoyo: Um, okay. See ya! [winks happily]

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

CD [Eggman's voice]: JOIN!

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[Back to Eggman, who is in the Egg Carrier. He's just left Earth's atmosphere, and is on his way to Pop-Star.]

Eggman [suddenly shivers]: Something's not right back on Earth... Oh, well, I'll look into that after. [*blatant foreshadowing alert 2*] After all, what could leaving that little girl in charge POSSIBLY do? [comes to a realization] Oh, well, time to find Pop-Star! And who am I talking to?

[Eggman is studying his "cosmic maps," looking for Pop-Star.]

Eggman [pointing at various spots on the map]: Hmm, if I'm here, Eternia's over there, planet Zebes is over in this little corner, Earth is beneath me, the Moon Kingdom is orbiting Earth, the Sun is where I'm heading--OH, SHIT!

[Eggman looks at the approaching sun, and quickly goes in reverse.]

Eggman [smiling, while eating some fat]: Sweet! I didn't even know my ship could do that! [wipes some fat from chin] But where's Pop-Star?

[Eggman looks outside, and sees a giant "space sign" with an arrow pointing directly at a yellow star planet that says "It's Over There, You Idiot."]

Eggman [angry]: STUPID, AM I?

[Eggman shoots the sign into dust, and starts following the trail of Super Smash Bros. Melee credits that leads directly to Pop-Star.]

Eggman [lands on Pop-Star]: Hmm, 104 hits. Not bad! [Walks outside] Here I am in Pop-Star! I HOPE I didn't crush anyone...

Kirby [ninja-running towards Eggman]: Who are you? HI!

Eggman [freaks out]: AAAH! [realizes it's Kirby] Oh, hi Kirby!

Kirby [confused]: You know me? I don't know you, but HI!

Eggman: Yes, yes, that'll do. Is this Pop-Star?

Kirby: Yep! Welcome to Dream Land! [thinking] I wonder what power you'll give me?

Eggman: Power? Give you? YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND, YOU LITTLE HOBO--

[Kirby suddenly sucks in Eggman]

Eggman: Whoa. [gets rejected from Kirby, but finds that Kirby now has an Eggman mustache and goggles] Give that back!

Kirby: No! I didn't steal them! I just copied them!

Eggman: I'm not stupid, I know about you! Fine, WHAT power did I give you?

Kirby [pointing forward]: EGG CARRIER!!!

Eggman [laughing]: HA HA, yeah, right, like YOU can control the [sees Egg Carrier moving] ... Egg Carrier? [sees something where the ship had parked before] OH, FUCK, I DID CRUSH SOMEONE!

Kirby [worried]: Waddle Dee!

Waddle Dee [flattened]: I was walking, then my face became part of the floor! Someone wish me better! [un-flattens] Thanks. [walks away]

Eggman [puzzled and startled]: What the hell was that?

Kirby [still with Eggman's mustache]: That was a Waddle Dee!

Eggman: "A?" There's more than one of them? And will you PLEASE lose the mustache? That's just not right!

Kirby [shakes head]: No, I like it. When I find something better, or when I take damage, I'll get rid of it.

Eggman [thinking]: Take damage, eh? [pulls out a gun]

Kirby [pulls out his own gun, because he has Eggman's power]: You feel lucky, punk?

Eggman: Where'd you get the gun?

Kirby: Where'd YOU get the gun?

Eggman [puts gun away, makes a mental note to use it later]: So, you were going to take me to your house, right?

Kirby [confused]: To my house?

Eggman [grabs Kirby tightly and starts walking]: Let's go! For some strange reason you feel like Jell-O.

Kirby [angry]: No I don't, now put me down! I'M AN ADVENTURER, DAMMIT! I don't want to go home! Yet...

[Outside Kirby's house]

Eggman [putting Kirby down]: Hmm, so this is your house? It's nice. And yellow.

Kirby [angry]: Why does everyone notice the yellow? It's just a color!

Eggman [setting up an Eggman missile]: This house must be as sturdy as a brick! Get down, Kirby!

Kirby [looking at Eggman, who is pointing the missile at both Kirby and Kirby's house]: What are you do-- [realizes danger, jumps out of the way] AAAH!!!

[Eggman fires the missile. After the somewhat large explosion, Kirby's yellow house turns into a mostly yellow pile of scrap.]

Eggman [indifferent; scratching his head]: Well, I'll tell you this, Kirby: that puppy isn't gonna last through monsoon season! Hell, it didn't even survive my test!

Kirby [losing it]: We don't have monsoons here! TEST!? Grrr... [calms down] Someone will wish my house back eventually. C'mon, fatty, I'll take you on a tour!

Eggman [happy]: YAY! [suddenly angry] Fatty? This is glandular, you pink hors d'ourve.

______________________________________________

[Meanwhile, back on Earth, some strange doings are transpiring...]

Sonic [walking with Tails and Shadow for no real reason]: I'm telling you, I could beat that ass with both hands tied behind my back!

Tails [trying to be the voice of reason]: But, Sonic, he was a hobo--

Sonic [angry]: I don't care! Hungry Phil made fun of me, and he's gonna get it!

Shadow [happy]: I like Hungry Phil because he did a merry little jig!

Sonic: Yeah, for food! [notices a gathering of people ahead] What the hell?

Tails [taps on someone's shoulder; that someone just happens to be Bob]: Excuse me, sir. What's going on here?

Bob: ACH! The boss is gonna be mighty proud, 'cause a great many folk are joining the Eggman Empire!

Sonic: Yeah, that's nice and all [realizes what he just heard]--WHAT!?

Tomoyo [being her usual charming self, taking applications at a booth set up on the sidewalk, or something]: One at a time! There's plenty of applications for everyone! [hands an Eggman plushy over to a new recruit] Here's your Eggy-chan doll and "JOIN" CD! Thanks for joining!

Sonic [a little confused]: This.. CAN'T be happening!

Shadow [shuddering]: Oh dear lord, not her again...

[AUTHORS' NOTE]

CMA: Shadow and Eggman met Tomoyo rather abruptly in my wonderfully absurd solo fic, Jonny Quest vs. Li Shaoron.

[END AUTHORS' NOTE]

Tails [pointing]: Look, Sonic, there's Knuckles and Rouge!

Knuckles [talking to Tomoyo]: You know what, lady? You're cute and nice! Not like my bitch girlfriend!

Rouge [angry]: I'm right behind you! And who the hell said I was your girlfriend?

Knuckles [demanding]: I did, ya whore! [points to the ground] Now beg!

Rouge [cracking her knuckles, no pun intended]: Say that again and you'll never have children!

Knuckles [screaming]: I'LL SAY IT AGAIN, YOU DIRTY SLUT! NOW, BEG!

[Knuckles and Rouge start rumbling.]

Tomoyo [gently separating the two]: Now, now, that's no way to act! You two are a couple! Couples are about understanding! Wouldn't you agree? Now come and celebrate your togetherness by joining the Eggman Empire!

Rouge [suddenly calm]: You're right! Sign us up!

Knuckles [apologetic]: I'M SORRY, ROUGE!!

[They hug, receive their plushies and CDs, and walk away into the distance... then start beating the crap out of each other again.]

Knuckles [clutching his groin]: OOOOOHHHHhhhh!!! You weren't wrong about me not having children! It burns!

Sonic [serious]: Whatever's happening around here, it doesn't seem right... At least I know that you guys--[sees Shadow signing up] ... At least Tails--[sees Tails looking at Tomoyo and drooling somewhat]

Tails [admiring Tomoyo]: She's pretty... Hey, Sonic, I think I'm going to--

Sonic [grabs Tails by the, um, collar]: SNAP OUT OF IT, TAILS! [slaps Tails back and forth five times]

Tails [a little stunned]: Thanks, Sonic, I--

Sonic [slaps him again]: It's better [slap] to be safe [slap] than sorry! [slap] There.

Tails [groaning a bit]: Eggman--[gets slapped again]

______________________________________________

[Pop-Star/Dream Land, once again. Kirby, still with Eggman's power, is riding a warp star besides Eggman's Egg-Mobile. They're on the home stretch of their tour, flying over a large city.]

Kirby [pointing]: And, finally, this is Rainbow Resort. An evil vampire-like nightmare tried to kill everyone, but me and King Dedede saved the day! And then there was that whole ordeal with Marx... what an asshole...

Eggman [bored]: Yes, yes, this is all very boring.

Kirby: Then why did you come on the tour!? I wasted valuable time, breath, AND nap-time!

Eggman: I wanted to scope out the land so that I could take over! Yeesh, do I have to draw you a diagram?

[Kirby gives him an angry glare.]

Eggman [silent for a few moments, then...]: I TOLD YOU TO TAKE THOSE OFF! [lunges at Kirby to make him lose the Eggman power, but ends up plummeting to the city below] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!

Kirby [shaking head]: And he's supposed to be smart? [goes after him]

Eggman: AAAAAAAAAAAA--[lands rather abruptly on Waddle Dee] ...Why am I always falling? OH, FUCK, I CRUSHED SOMEONE AGAIN! [Gets up] Are you the same Waddle Dee I crushed before?

Waddle Dee 2 [flattened; speaking in a very gruff tone]: No, don't know what your talking about, fellah. [un-flattens] Up yours. [walks away]

Eggman [pulls out gun, aims it at the Waddle Dee]: That's it, you stupid FUCKING LITTLE--

Kirby [lunging at Eggman]: NO, EGGMAN!

[Eggman fires three shots at the Waddle Dee. It explodes into a bunch of stars.]

Eggman [scratching head]: That didn't seem right! Was he supposed to evaporate like that?

Rainbow Resort Citizen A [shocked]: Oh my god, that man killed a Waddle Dee!

Rainbow Resort Citizen B [pointing at Kirby]: And Kirby is his accomplice!

Kirby [really, really nervous]: No! I didn't--

Rainbow Resort Citizen C [interrupting Kirby]: AND HE'S ON DRUGS!!!

Eggman [grabs Kirby again]: LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!

[Some more time passes, and our heroes (?) arrive back at Kirby's house.]

Eggman [noticing Kirby's restored home]: Wow, someone DID wish your house back!

Kirby [fuming]: You bastard! You got me in so much trouble!

Eggman: I'm sorry. I wonder if your house is stronger this time [taps it lightly with his knuckles; house collapses]

Kirby [starting to literally turn redder]: EGGMAN!

Eggman [shrugs shoulders]: What? I tapped it with my hand!

Kirby: GO ON YOUR OWN DAMN TOUR! [drops Eggman ability, pulls out Hammer ability] I'm gonna fix my house, and you better not interrupt me!

Eggman [storms off]: FINE!

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COMMERCIAL

Tomoyo [still as cute as a button, still reading Eggman's rather awkward scripts]: Has this ever happened to you: you wake up one morning, pour yourself a cup of coffee, and say to yourself, "Man, do I ever need purpose in life, and some fat." [Tomoyo, perplexed, looks at Bob; Bob just shrugs] Well, have I got an answer for you! Join the Eggman Empire, and you'll know what "purpose" means! Scrub the outside of my Egg Carrier, and help me kill Sonic! [Tomoyo cringes a bit] No, not Sonikku! He's too cute! But so is Shadow-chan! And Tails-chan! And--

[Bob is giving her the universal "cut" symbol.]

Tomoyo [realizes she's off-topic]: Oh, but anyway, um, where was I? Oh, I don't like this silly script anyway! [throws the script away] Let's go over to our pledge-takers! [walks over to Knuckles and Rouge, who are taking pledges (?) for the Eggman Empire] How's it going, you two?

Knuckles [putting down the phone]: Just peachy, if Rouge weren't Ms. Whore-Queen 2002!

Rouge [putting down her phone]: Wow, good one, starfish.

Knuckles [really, seriously hurt by the "starfish" remark; eyes tearing up]: Wha, um, why, er, um [screams] FINE WITH ME!

Tomoyo [cool and calm as always]: You guys, stop this silliness--

Rouge [answering a phone call]: Hello, this is the Eggman Empire! Thanks for calling! We value your call more than fag-lord Knuckles to my right!

Caller A: Pardon me? Is this where I leave money for that sweet little girl?

Knuckles [also picking up the phone, answering a call]: OH, A FAG-LORD, AM I? WELL, I WASN'T THE ONE CAUGHT DOING THREE GIRLS AT ONCE ON THE INTERNET! [finally speaks into the phone] HELLO!?

Caller B [quavering young voice]: Hello? [sniffle] Is this Jamie's house?

Knuckles [still screaming]: NO, YOU LITTLE WEINER KID! GO CRY NOW! [Caller B starts crying, then hangs up]

Rouge [really angry, but answers another call]: YOU BASTARD! DON'T TAKE IT OUT ON LITTLE KIDS! YOU DO THAT AGAIN AND I'LL SHOVE MY BOOT SO FAR UP YOUR ASS YOU'LL TASTE IT FOR DAYS! AND THAT WAS HUNGRY PHIL WHO WAS WITH THE THREE GIRLS!

Knuckles [still answering calls somehow]: I'LL TASTE YOUR BOOT, OR YOU'LL TAKE PLEASURE FROM IT?

Sonic [out of nowhere]: GUYS, I'M HERE TO SAVE YOU BOTH!

Rouge [looks around]: ... From what?

Sonic [shocked]: FROM WHAT!? BEING EGGMAN'S SLAVES!

Knuckles [gets up]: You know, Sonic, you're really bringing me down.

[Next, we see Sonic being thrown out of the Eggman Empire HQ by Knuckles. Sonic lands next to Tails.]

Knuckles: AND STAY OUT! [Walks to Tails and kicks him rather abruptly] That was for NOT coming in so I could kick you out!

Tails [smarting]: Sonic, I don't think your plan worked at all. I think everyone hates both of us, now! And they all love Eggman, apparently? This is too strange!

Sonic: Next, I bet we're going to be on America's most wanted!

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

CD [Eggman's voice, from nowhere]: JOIN!

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[Eggman is lost in one of Dream Land's many happy, happy forests.]

Eggman [angry]: This stupid planet! [looks down at a one eyed small, um, thing] What the fuck are you!?

Waddle Doo [gruff voice, very pissed off]: I'm Waddle Doo. My little bro tells me that you flattened him with your giant spacecraft.

Waddle Dee [the first one]: Yeah, that's him!

Eggman: Look, I didn't know he was there--

Waddle Doo: THE TIME FOR TALK IS OVER! NOW YOU DIE! [activates the rather crappy Beam ability to irritate Eggman]

Eggman [rather irritated]: Hey, stop that. I'm out of here. [Looks off into the distance, and sees a large airship (NOT the Egg Carrier) headed for Kirby's house] My god, someone's going to attack Kirby! I knew I shouldn't have left that experienced adventurer alone!

[Eggman runs through the forest at near-Sonic speeds (which he actually can do--check out Sonic Adventure 2's Chao Garden) until he runs into a tree.]

Eggman [face smashed against tree]: OOOOOOWWWWWW!!! MY FREAKING FACE! [tree suddenly gains a face] What the!?

Wispy Woods [stupid sounding high voice]: Haloo! I am Wispy Woods! I'm going to fight you now!

Eggman [angry]: Get out of the way! Kirby's in danger!

Wispy Woods: Haloo! WOOOOOOO!!! [starts dropping overly large apples on Eggman]

Eggman [catches one]: The hell? [throws it at Wispy Woods]

Wispy Woods: WOOOOOO!!!

Eggman: I don't have time for this! [pulls out a flamethrower and starts burning Wispy Woods]

Wispy Woods [suffering]: WOOOOOO!!! IT'S BURNING! IT'S BUR-- [dies and turns to ashes; only the wood nose remains]

Eggman [picks up the nose]: Hmm, firewood! [starts running again]

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[Meanwhile, at the Kirby residence...]

Kirby [just finished rebuilding his house; releases the Hammer ability]: There! Now to water my flowers! [watering flowers] La la la la la...

[Aboard the mysterious airship Halberd...]

Meta-Axe [very bad mix of French and English accents]: Sir! Kirby spotted on the monitors! Refer!

Meta Knight [the black sphere thing with a mask and cape; speaks in a commanding but noble fashion]: Excellent. Bring down the periscope. I want to see this myself.

[Periscope lowers to Meta Knight's eyes. Looking through, he sees Kirby merrily watering some pretty flowers.]

Meta Knight: My god; his house is YELLOW. And he appears to be watering... Marigolds. What kind of scoundrel is he?

Meta-Chain [very bad mix of Russian and German accents]: I tried watering plants before, but they all died!

Meta Knight [disappointed]: That's because you wrapped the leaves in plastic wrap, fed them orange soda instead of plain water, and kept it in the closet.

Meta-Chain [shaking his head]: I just wanted to create a new species of plant life, sir.

Meta-Lance [very bad Australian accent]: G'day mate!

Meta Knight: For the last time, don't call me "mate." Call me "sir."

Meta-Lance: You got that right, mate!

Meta Knight [slaps forehead with hand]: Just fire. Fire a WARNING shot.

Meta-Lance: You got that right ma--um, I mean, aye sir! [flips switch, firing a large barrage of guns, missiles, lasers, and what-not DIRECTLY at Kirby]

Meta Knight: I said a WARNING shot, you goon!

[Kirby hears slight noise, then looks up to see a large contingent of aerial weaponry heading his way.]

Kirby: Eep. [ducks, but then notices that he was not the target at all; his yellow house was] OH GOD, NOT AGAIN! I JUST MADE A DOUBLE-DECKER! [calls out to the Halberd, which he now sees] YOU SUCK, META KNIGHT!

[Back on the Halberd]

Meta Knight: Let me get this straight: what the hell just happened?

Meta-Lance: Y'see, ma--er, sir, we didn't fire a warning shot. Instead, we emptied our entire weapon reserves into destroying his yellow house.

Meta Knight: I can see that. Geez. What do we have left?

Meta-Axe: We have... baby missiles, sir!

Meta Knight: ... ... Baby... missiles? I thought I told you not to buy any weapon with the word "baby" on it!

Meta-Axe: But what if it said baby powder--

Meta Knight: Shut up. How many do we have?

Meta-Lance: We have exactly 72/24, sir!

Meta Knight [raises eyebrow]: ... You mean... three?

Meta-Lance: Wow, that's a much better way of putting it!

Meta Knight [repressing rage]: Fire at will.

[Three tiny missiles scream as they slam into Kirby, hitting him with the force of a flick to the head.]

Kirby [rubbing where the baby missiles hit]: Ow! Dammit, Meta Knight, that was just annoying! Who flicks people in the head nowadays, anyway? Really?

[Again, back to the Halberd]

Meta Knight: I don't get it. The baby missiles were the only thing able to hit Kirby? We may as well be firing rocks at him, for god's sake! [rubs chin, thinking] I have a message for the development crew: Rock Cannons!

Meta-Chain [who just happens to be in charge of the development crew]: Aye sir!

Meta Knight: Prepare the "me" cannon, I'm going in!

Meta-Chain: Aye!

[Meta Knight fires down from the Halberd at a forty-five degree angle. He hits the ground rather hard, very quickly.]

Meta Knight [dusting himself off in front of Kirby]: Um, I meant to do that!

Kirby [angry]: What do you want?

Meta Knight: A duel! [throws a sword to Kirby, who catches it] Have at you!

[The duel goes on for a few minutes, until...]

Meta Knight [knocking Kirby's sword away]: AHA! I have disarmed you!

Kirby [grabs Meta Knight's sword]: AHA! Now I have your sword! [about to slash Meta Knight, when...] I'm hungry! Let's have some cookies and milk!

Meta Knight [stomach growling]: I reluctantly accept.

[During their "break"...]

Eggman [speaking through a megaphone]: DON'T WORRY, KIRBY, I'LL SAVE YOU!

Meta Knight: Who is that?

Kirby: Oh, no... You're ten inches away, Eggman! Why are you using a megaphone?

Meta Knight: You know who he is?

Kirby [looking at Eggman, who is spaz-waving wildly]: Never seen him before.

Eggman [still talking through the megaphone]: I'LL HELP YOU BY SHOOTING DOWN THEIR SHIP! GO, EGG CARRIER!

Kirby [worried]: Oh god, stop, Eggman!

Meta Knight [a little perplexed]: What, exactly, is he going to do?

[The Egg Carrier appears from the woods and dwarfs the comparatively tiny Halberd.]

Eggman [holding a remote]: AHA! TIME TO KILL A LITTLE SHIP!

[Eggman presses a button on his remote; this causes the Egg Carrier to fire countless homing missiles, rockets, laser beams, machine guns, fire, mustard, Gallantmon lances, etc. In addition, the Egg Carrier also rams the Halberd. All that remains of the little ship are various pieces of ship and Meta Knight's goons, floating down on parachutes.]

Eggman: How's THAT for irony!?

Meta-Axe [on parachute]: Sir, our ship's been destroyed!

Meta-Chain: MY PLANTS! THEY WERE GROWING!

Meta-Lance: Don't think they was, mate!

Meta-Chain [strangling Meta-Lance]: To hell with you! AAAH!!!

Meta Knight: Um, I'll be going now, Kirby. [Meta Knight points to Eggman, then to Kirby's pile o' house] It looks like you have your own problems!

Eggman: OH NO, YOU DON'T! [grabs Meta Knight by his, um, body, then starts clubbing him with the late Wispy Woods' nose] DIE!

Meta Knight [trying to defend himself]: Stop it! STOP IT! UNHAND ME, YOU UN-GALLANT FIEND!!!

Eggman [gasping]: How dare you call me fat?

Kirby [shaking head in shame]: Do you even know what "gallant" means, Eggman?

Eggman [eyeing him suspiciously]: Did you just call me a woman?

Kirby: Just... continue...

Eggman [reaching for Meta Knight's mask]: Hmm, what's behind your face?

Meta Knight [seriously pissed, pushes away from Eggman]: Do NOT touch the mask. I take my leave. [Meta Knight's cape turns into wings] I have to check up on my crew. Good day. [Meta Knight flies away]

Eggman [scratching own ass]: Did I just see right? Oh well. I think I'll conquer this world some other time.

Kirby: You know what, Eggman? I'm feeling nice today. I'm going to show you one last place that I didn't show you before...

Eggman: Thanks! I wonder what WAS behind his mask, though...

[Kirby shrugs shoulders, or whatever it is he has instead of shoulders.]

______________________________________________

[Some time later, at the Fountain of Dreams...]

Eggman [whistling in awe]: Wow, this place is actually interesting! What is this place, Kirby?

Kirby [ignoring the "interesting" remark]: This is the Fountain of Dreams. I'm not really supposed to do this, but I have a feeling that you'll be more at peace with yourself if we do.

Eggman [pissed off]: What are you talking about? I AM AT PEACE!

Kirby: Anyway, Eggman, here at the Fountain of Dreams, you may make one wish. When you do, you'll feel tingly, and you'll know that it has come true.

Eggman: Really!? [approaches fountain] I wish to RULE THE EARTH! [nothing happens] What gives, Kirbs? You lied!

Kirby: Kirbs? No, I didn't lie! The fountain cannot grant a wish that has already come true.

Eggman [scratches ass again]: What the hell are you talking about-- [silence for a moment as Eggman thinks, then...] Oh my GOD! TOYOTA! NO, I MEAN, TOMOYO!!! Kirby?

Kirby: Yes?

Eggman [teary-eyed]: I must leave! But I will never forget the adventure I had with you, here! [stares at innocent, smiling Kirby] I CAN'T LOOK AT THIS! EXCUSE ME, I HAVE SOMETHING IN MY EYE!

[A few moments later, Kirby is sitting at the fountain's edge, watching the Egg Carrier disappear over the horizon.]

Kirby: Although he caused a lot of trouble--not to mention the fact that I've gotta stay out of Rainbow Resort for a while--I'm going to miss him.

[Kirby sees, in the distance, the Egg Carrier accidentally mowing down Kirby's rebuilt yellow house.]

Eggman [over the Egg Carrier's loudspeaker]: OOPS!!!

Kirby [just shakes head in shame]: Ah, well. I'm going to go on another adventure. See you around, Eggman.

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COMMERCIAL

Tomoyo [pretty and smiling and charming and such]: Hello, citizens of the Eggman Empire! Sorry to interrupt everyone's favorite show, The Days of Eggman, but this is an ultra-important news bulletin! Sonikku and Tails-chan are rebelling! That's bad!

Bob: Ach! Ya got that right! The camera's controlling itself!

Tomoyo [cocking head slightly in a kawaii way]: That's nice! Sonic and Tails were last spotted near Tails's house in his Mystic Ruins base! Luckily, our new Eggman Empire Police Crew, headed by Death-General Shadow, and his subordinates and assistant Death-Generals Amy, Knuckles, Rouge, and Hungry Phil--hold it, I'm getting a live feed from the scene where Shadow has spotted Sonic and Tails! Shadow, are you there?

Shadow [appearing on a monitor, wearing his shiny new "chibi-Eggman/Tomoyo giving a peace sign pin"]: This is bad, Tomoyo! The perps are trying to escape, and--OH MY GOD! HUNGRY PHIL'S DOWN! REPEAT, HUNGRY PHIL IS DOWN!

Tails [appearing on the monitor, looking a little ragged, but cheering for Sonic nonetheless]: Way to go, Sonic!

Sonic [standing over Hungry Phil (who can't be seen clearly); Sonic also looks a little ragged]: I TOLD YOU I'D KICK YOUR ASS, HUNGRY PHIL!

Knuckles [speaking through an overly large megaphone; also wearing chibi-Eggman/Tomoyo pin]: Sonic, we're your friends, here! It's going to be O-KAY! Tails, there's no hope for you! Surrender now and your death might be quick! JOIN, DAMMIT!

Amy [wearing pin, trying to reason with Sonic and Tails]: C'mon, you too! You get protection! And cute Eggman dolls and pins! [flashes pin, which sparkles] See?

Rouge [hands on her hips and (you guessed it) wearing the pin]: What's your damn problem, anyway? Just join! [sultry voice to Tails] I love a man who joins the Eggman Empire...

Sonic [picks up Tails]: Wake up, you guys! Tomoyo may be sweet and pretty and charming and all, but look what she's turned the world into! And it hasn't even been twenty-four hours since her first commercial! She's worse than Eggman! At least he would have ruled fairly!

Shadow: There's no use talking to them. OPEN FIRE!

Sonic: AAAAH [runs off in a flash, carrying Tails]

Shadow: Tomoyo, we've lost sight of them, but we're burning down Tails's house! Except for the TV! I like his TV! I call dibs on the TV!

Amy [annoyed]: Stop saying "TV!" [drooling] I call Sonic's bathrobes!

Rouge [carrying Tails's TV in her arms]: Sorry, who called the TV? It's mine, now!

Knuckles: I call the fridge!

Shadow: Fine, I call the oven!

Amy: What are you going to do with an oven, Shadow?

Shadow: GOOD QUESTION.

Tomoyo [sweet, almost seductive in a non-sexual, cute way]: So, remember, if you see Sonic or Tails, call the Death-Generals' hotline at 469-DEAD.

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

CD [Eggman's voice, from nowhere, yet again]: JOIN!

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To be continued...