Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Adventures of Eggman ❯ Episode 3 - "My Trip to Eternia While Random Stuff Happens and Occurs on Earth!" ( Chapter 3 )

The Adventures of Eggman

A triple team production by:

THE TRIPLE PEEPS

Apollo Alexandre, a.k.a. "Grand Master Shoma" (GMS)

Neusa Gaspar, a.k.a. "Judge Neusy"

Carlos Alexandre, a.k.a. "CMA" (CMA)

Judge Neusy: DISCLAIMER: Any characters mentioned in this story that are not the distinctive likenesses of anyone else--including, but not limited to, Sega, Sonic Team, Nintendo, Clamp, Nelvana, Namco, etc.--were created by us, and may not be used without our permission. All characters and distinctive likenesses not created by us are the property of their respective owners.

CMA: We'd like to give out some special thanks to David Hackman (Majere) for some very influential ideas he contributed to this chapter. DUDE, YOU A DUDE! Or something like that.

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Mysterious Voice [coming from a mysterious boyish figure]: The Sakura Cards must be destroyed.

Mysterious Squeaky Voice [coming from a mysterious Hamtaro-like figure]: We will destroy the world when Eggman, acquaintance to the mistress of the cards, leaves this planet! Then, all is lost for humanity!

Boy [formerly Mysterious Voice]: Don't look past the situation. There are many heroes left on Earth still. Plumbers, hedgehogs, bounty hunters, ninjas, card captors, punk teenagers, high school students, high school spies, star warriors, mana knights, and others will oppose us. But with the cards destroyed, and Dr. Eggman away, we can throw the planet's powers off-balance!

Hamtaro [as if we didn't give that away]: While you're taking care of Sakura and her friends, my hamster minions will take care of other heroes (provided that we don't get stepped on), like we did the Green Lantern!

Boy: True, but all you did was paint yourselves yellow until he yelled out "STOP!" and went back to the DC-Universe! The Cronies, for example, aren't exactly weak against "yellow!"

Hamtaro: Fuck, well there goes that plan! [speaks into something] Cancel Yellow Cronies Plan A!!! Implement nuke Tails's Mountain Base Destruction Plan B!!!

Boy [turning away from the leaving Hamtaro]: Soon, Sakura... very, very soon... hahahahahahaha... Hahahahaha... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

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Eggman [serious tone]: The adventures... [gets louder] of MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

♪♫

Clark Kent's super

Bruce Wayne's Batman

Everyone else

Just looooves Eggman!

♪♫

Sonic [pops up out of nowhere]: Not me!

♪♫

Everyone who's evil

Just looooves Eggman!

♪♫

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The Adventures of Eggman

Episode 3:

"My Trip to Eternia While Random Stuff Happens and Occurs on Earth!"

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COMMERCIAL

Eggman [boarding the Egg Carrier]: Davis, I'm leaving now, and when I get back, I wanna see converts kissing my feet and other extremities!

Davis [playing with Veemon]: What are "converts?"

Eggman: Never mind. By the way, sorry about Rika Nonoka taking your job as Digimon Frontier's narrator.

Davis [suddenly angry]: That BITCH!!!

Eggman: Well, I'm off! Just remember: I'm not paying you... [takes off]

Davis: I'm sure he was just joking!

Veemon: At least the benefits are good!

Bob: Ach, we give benefits!? Anyway, the camera's been on for minutes now, lad! Start!

Davis: Well, I better start! [looks at script for the whole of five seconds, then tosses it away] Too many words! Join--anyway, I have a lot of beefs to pick with you people! Since I'm on camera and you can all see me, I can talk to all of you!

Veemon [shaking head]: I should of traded places with Guilmon.

Davis: Isn't Kari hot? I mean, really! That chick could give a dog a bone, if you know what I mean! [winks]

Bob: Ach, I miss Tomoyo and the closet...

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

CD [Eggman's voice]: JOIN!

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[Inside Tails's house]

Sonic [from outside]: Tails, I'm going to the store!

Tails [cooking]: Thank god! We need more OJ!

Sonic: Simpson?

Tails: No, you fool!

Shadow: I want Sheriff Lobo!

Knuckles: And where's my Flintstones chewable morphine?

Sonic: I'm ignoring that and I'll be back in an hour! Why hello there-- [Tails hears a loud hamster dying noise] Oh shit! I stepped on a cute anime hamster!

[Tails hears some hamster-like squeaking voices from outside.]

Hamster A: He killed Howdy!

Hamster B: Now we kill him!

Sonic [from outside]: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Rouge [filing nails]: Did I just hear a hamster die?

Knuckles: That was 30 seconds ago!

Tails [runs outside to find nothing but a bloody, battered, and bitten Sonic]: OH, GOD, SONIC! WHAT'D THEY DO TO YOU, BUDDY!?

Sonic [barely able to talk]: Ham... left me to die... taking over... not Eggman... get me gauze, dammit... [faints]

Shadow [beside Tails; holding arms up high]: WHY DO THEY DIE SO YOUNG?

Knuckles [checking for a pulse]: He's still alive, dumbass.

Shadow: Oh, I'M the dumbass, huh?

Knuckles [cocky]: Oh, yeah! Wha-- [trips over Sonic's body and gets knocked unconscious]

Shadow [pointing at Knuckles]: Dumbass! [trips, falls on top of Sonic, and starts sleeping, hampering Tails's efforts]

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[Tomoeda Elementary. Sakura, Shaoron, Tomoyo, and Meilin are taking their seats as Mr. Terada steps into the classroom.]

Mr. Terada: Class, we have a new student!

Shaoron [about to summon his sword]: Oh, so Eriol wants some more, eh?

Sakura [softly and gently]: Calm down, Shaoron-kun. He said "new," remember?

[Shaoron sits back and relaxes.]

Mr. Terada: Please say hello... to Ivo Jr.!

[Sakura, Shaoron, and Tomoyo look at each other with surprised eyes.]

Sakura, Shaoron, Tomoyo: It couldn't be... Eggman?

Meilin: Who's Eggman?

[A boy of average build with scruffy but not overly messy black hair and dark Eggman-style sunglasses walks into the classroom.]

Ivo Jr.: Hello, my name is Ivo Jr.! But I prefer the name... Eggboy!

[Sakura, Shaoron, and Tomoyo's jaws drop.]

Meilin: He's kinda cute.

Mr. Terada: Nice to meet you, Eggboy. You'll sit next to, um... Meilin.

Eggboy: That'll do. Thank you, Terada-sensei!

Shaoron [whispering to Sakura]: Sakura, I think I should kill him--

Sakura [whispering back]: Calm down, Shaoron-kun. He hasn't done anything wrong, yet. But I will call Eggman-kun at lunch to see what's going on.

Shaoron [whispering]: Do you think Eggman-san can really help?

Tomoyo [evil eye to Shaoron]: Don't mention that name. [Tomoyo laugh]

Mr. Terada: Is something funny, miss Tomoyo?

Tomoyo [serious voice]: Not really, just my lost youthful innocence... [lunges at Eggboy, wrapping her hands around his throat] I'LL KILL YOU, EGGY-CHAN!!!

Mr. Terada [looks impressed]: Hmm, Ms. Daidouji's energy seems to have returned!

Eggboy [trying to breathe]: Who cares? Get this crazy broad--um, young lady off of me!

[Yamazaki tries to restrain Tomoyo, but ends up getting his arm broken again somehow.]

Shaoron [whispering to Sakura, but not helping for some reason]: If Eggman-san shows up, we have to keep him and Tomoyo separated.

[Sakura nods in agreement, still watching the strangled Eggboy with oro eyes (O.O).]

Sakura [suddenly serious]: I sense something... evil...

[Sakura turns around to see a small Hamtaro-like creature watching the scene from outside the classroom window...]

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[The Egg Carrier is currently orbiting Inferia, the world that was once part of the twin worlds of Eternia before the Orbus Barrier was destroyed.]

Eggman: Ah, Inferia! And now, to land! [suddenly, red-alert klaxons start blaring; a computer voice that sounds like Eggman on crack says unenthusiastically "look out, there is something wrong"; Eggman hits a few buttons to display something on his main viewer] What the? Something's entered the Egg Carrier's docking bay!? I'd better go take a look!

[Meanwhile, in the Van Eltia, which has just landed IN the Egg Carrier (somehow), Reid, Farah, and Chat leave the smallish ship to look about their new surroundings.]

Reid: Whoa, too high-tech for me! Where are we, Chat?

Chat: I think this is the Egg Carrier! Remember, Mr. Eggman's ship?

Farah [enraged]: Eggman, eh? I'll be back! [she cracks her knuckles and leaves]

Chat [looking around]: Hmm, maybe I can "borrow" some of Mr. Eggman's parts to make the Van Eltia better!

Reid: You mean "five finger discount" borrowing, right?

Chat [ripping out a piece of equipment from the bulkhead]: Hey, Reid, can you help me out here?

Reid [shrugging shoulders]: Whatever. [goes to help Chat]

[Meanwhile, in the Egg Carrier corridors, Farah is sneaking about, searching for Eggman. She peeks around a corner, hugs a wall with her back, and carefully creeps along--]

Eggman [walks by and waves]: Hi, Farah!

Farah [taken off guard]: What the-- freaking-- what-- EGGMAN!!!

Eggman: What are you babbling about, woman? Want something to eat? What's your name?

Farah [losing it]: YOU KNOW MY NAME-- [hits Eggman really hard]

Eggman: OW, YOU WOMAN! FARAH, THAT HURT! WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?

Farah: You took Quickie!

Eggman: Oh, right, Kaga still has him! My bad! [Tomoyo laugh, Eggman-style] But anyway, seriously, you want something to eat?

Farah [calms down a bit]: Fine, what do you have?

Eggman: I don't know, I have to check! What do YOU have?

[A vein becomes visible on Farah's forehead.]

Farah [angry]: I think I want to kill you.

Eggman: Yeah, and I think I wanna take over my planet, but you don't see me bitchin'! [Eggman views a monitor that is, um, monitoring the docking bay] Hey, why are your friends stealing my equipment? [Eggman hits a button]

[In the docking bay...]

Reid: Almost-- [lasers whiz by his head] Huh?

Eggman [voice over intercom]: I think you better drop that!

Chat: Where are you, Mr. Eggman--

Eggman [suddenly appearing on a screen in the docking bay]: DOCTOR! CHRIST, DON'T YOU STUPID PEOPLE EVER LEARN!? But seriously, I have your friend tied up!

Reid [pointing]: Um, no you don't. I can clearly see Farah beside you, shaking her head in shame.

Farah: Eggman, you're a moron!

Eggman [swearing to himself]: Damn, fucking two-way monitors! Fine, come to the kitchen, and I'll whip us up something! Just keep wandering around, you'll eventually find the mess hall.

Reid: Fine, that works. C'mon, Chat.

Chat: Why would he feed us?

[Three hours later, Reid and Chat finally arrive in the mess hall to see Farah (trying to restrain herself) and a goofy smiling Eggman.]

Eggman: Hello. Did you know that your friend here beat me in arm wrestling?

Farah [losing it]: No I didn't! We didn't arm wrestle! Why do you keep saying things that didn't happen?

Eggman: ... I appreciate attention. Anyway, it was quite the match. [Vein on Farah's forehead] By the way, Reid, the mess hall is right next to the docking bay, so you didn't have to wander around for hours.

Reid: Whatever, where's the food?

Eggman: I'll be back in a jiffy! [goes into the kitchen; several minutes later we hear the Tales of Eternia "failed" cooking noise while Eggman swears up a storm] YOU STUPID ETERNIA! JUST BEING NEAR IT I CAN'T COOK ANYMORE! [a Shadow Shard (again; read Sonic Iron Chef) flies through the kitchen doors and knocks out Chat]

[Finally, Eggman cooks something that doesn't fail, and it ends up being very tasty. But we're not going to tell you what it is (it's eggs). Even Farah is impressed, and wondering if she judged Eggman too harshly. However, he started speaking again, and...]

Eggman [to Farah]: You want some more eggs with your eggs?

Farah [getting angry; standing up]: I'm going to go take a nap.

Eggman [while Farah is still in the mess hall]: So, Reid, what's up with that line you said after beating Nereid? The one where you said to Farah, "I can't wait to stuff myself with your omelettes?" You meant her titties, right? Cause I think, under the dress, she's probably pretty hot!

Farah [losing it AGAIN]: EGGMAN--

Reid: Actually, that IS what I meant--

Farah: REID! [Scissor kicks both Reid and Eggman]

Chat: How would Eggman know what Reid said?

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[Station Square. The Cronies are trying their best to a) get Sonic some medical attention and b) escape from an army of Hamtaro-like hamsters that recently destroyed half the city.]

Shadow [leading the way]: Move it, move it, move it! I want to be alive by the time we get there!

Tails [carrying Sonic]: Get where, exactly? The hospital's gone!

Hamtaro [maniacal]: We destroyed the hospital, and we're about to nuke your base! You'll have no where to go home too, just like the hamsters!

Knuckles: What are you talking about, Hamtaro? A cutie owns you!

Hamtaro [crazy]: You mean Laura? She's nice and all. But she's DEAD! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I HAVE HER CUTIE HEAD ON MY MANTLE!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Knuckles [seriously angry]: You monster.

Shadow: We need a doctor! DAMN YOU, EGGMAN, WHERE ARE YOU WHEN WE NEED YOU THE MOST?

Knuckles [grabs Sonic from Tails]: Rouge, all you do for this team is beat me up and file your damn nails! [throws Sonic INTO Rouge, knocking her over] YOU carry Sonic!

Rouge: What? No! [tries to give Sonic back to Tails] I love a man who, um, carries Sonic for me!

Tails: Not this time, baby!

Sonic [groggy]: Oh... Sonic cares that Sonic lives...

Shadow [looking back]: There catching up to us! Run! [a few moments later, Shadow looks at Rouge] Rouge, where's Sonic?

[Rouge points back at Sonic, lying beat up on the street, with an army of hamsters about to kill him.]

Tails: OH GOD! [Turbo flies to Sonic, picks him up, and flies off just in time to see that piece of street turned into a crater (how?)] Don't worry Sonic, I'LL make sure that you... MIGHT live...

Sonic [angry]: Thanks... hey... where's... Amy?

[Shadow and Tails look at each other horrified.]

Shadow: Oh... shit...

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[Inside Tails's house, Amy is sleeping on the couch holding one of Sonic's bathrobes.]

Amy [talking in her sleep]: Mmmm... Sonic... chocolate sauce... do me... mmmm...

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[The scene: outside Tails's house.]

[All is peaceful. Birds are chirping. Grass is green. All that jazz.]

[Suddenly, all is a flash of white. Afterwards, the Mystic Ruins are gone. ALL GONE.]

[Amy wakes up to find herself somewhere in the ocean, floating on a piece of sofa.]

Amy: ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... WHAT THE FUCK!? [her voice echoes and is heard from what's left of Station Square.]

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[Station Square. The Cronies, clearly sans Amy, are cornered by the hamster army.]

Amy's Voice from Far Away [barely audible]: what the fuck...

Shadow: Poor Amy, dying so stupid.

Tails: Don't you mean "stupidly?"

Shadow: No, you heard me. [dramatic voice] Is this the untimely end of the Cronies? Tune in next week!

Sonic [barely conscious]: Shadow... now... not the time...

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[AUTHORS' NOTE]

GMS: We have NO prejudices. Meaning, we have nothing against anyone of any race, color, or sexual preference.

Judge Neusy: So don't be TOO offended by the next commercial.

[END AUTHORS' NOTE]

COMMERCIAL

[Some rumbling from the explosion reaches the studio.]

Davis [being his usual dumbass self]: Whoa, an earthquake? Dude, there's bad things going on in the world! Back to me!

Bob: AHEM! [pointing to a copy of the script]

Davis: What? Oh, yeah, join. But, seriously, have you seen all the Digimon fanfiction with me in it? People, I'm not gay! I have nothing against being gay. I mean, YEAH, I'm pretty sure Ken's gay and all, but c'mon! I'm not even his type! Well, we may have experimented with TK that day, but that didn't count! It was TK's idea!

[Japan, where, at TK's house, TK, Matt, Ken, Yolei, Kari, and Tai are watching this very Eggman commercial.]

Matt: C'mon, get back to that nuclear explosion--I mean, TK! How could you?

TK: What are you talking about? This is DAVIS!!! He's an idiot!!! Look at what he's doing!!! He's trying to make me look bad in front of Kari! [to Kari] You believe me, don't ya, babe?

Kari [unsure]: Um, of COURSE, TK. Of course.

Tai [laughing at Matt]: Heh, your brother's a fruit!

[Back to Davis...]

Davis [squealing]: Actually, being gay ain't so bad! The other day, I caught Kari and Yolei getting off on each other! I've even got pictures! Roll the slideshow, Bob!

Bob [appearing in front of camera]: Ach, people, I don't approve of this.

[Back to TK's house, the crew are wide-eyed as the see certain sexually explicit photos of Kari and Yolei being NOT decent at all. Kari and Yolei are a) beet red and b) mortified.]

Matt [laughing at Tai]: My brother's a fruit, eh? Well there's proof that Kari's a freaking lesbo! [to Kari] Ha, how's it feel to be a carpet muncher, carpet muncher?

Tai: Leave her alone! At least, unlike TK, she isn't ashamed of it!

Kari: Yes I am! I was drunk!

TK [no one listening to him as he tells the honest truth]: I'M NOT GAY!!!

Yolei [mumbling to herself]: The day we met Davis was the day our lives all went to hell. We'll never have dignity again.

[Back to Davis...]

Davis [appearing on-screen; thinking out loud]: Hmm, I bet Yolei's thinking that the day they all met me was the day their lives went to hell, and that they'll never have dignity again. ... Toodles! And CUT!

Bob: Ach, we're LIVE you idiot!

Veemon: Can't we just edit this out?

Bob [losing it]: ACH!!! WE'RE LIVE!!!

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

CD [Eggman's voice, from nowhere]: JOIN!

Bob: Ach, I REALLY miss that Tomoyo lass...

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[Tomoeda Elementary. Lunchtime. Sakura, Shaoron, and Tomoyo are all hanging out outside. Meilin is talking to Eggboy about 20 some feet away.]

Sakura [to Tomoyo as Tomoyo suddenly shivers]: What's wrong, Tomoyo-chan?

Tomoyo [looking westward]: Nothing...

Sakura [pulling out her cellphone and dialing Eggman's number]: I hope he's there... [ringing]

Davis [from the other end]: Hello, I don't give a fuck! [hangs up]

Shaoron [hearing what was said over the phone]: Did you dial the right number?

Sakura [with patented anime sweat drop; dumbfounded]: I don't know! [dials again]

Davis [from other end]: You just don't learn, do you?

Sakura: Wait a minute... Davis? Davis Motomiya?

Davis: What? [squeals] OOOOOOHHH, I know you! ... Who are you?

Sakura [falls over anime style]: It's Sakura, remember? We met at the radio tower.

Davis: Oh, yeah, you're that card lady! What's that like?

Sakura [getting slightly annoyed]: Um, I'm on a cell! Is Egg--

Davis [squealing]: COOL, YOU HAVE A CELL!?

Scottish voice from the background (aka Bob): Is that a pledge giver, lad? Give it here!

Davis: NO! [to Sakura] Eggman's off the planet! Scottish guy's trying to steal MY phone! [like Joey from Friends] How YOU doin'? Gotta go! Call me! We'll do lunch! [hangs up]

Sakura [still a little shocked]: Wow, that's not common at all.

Shaoron: Did I hear him say that Eggman's "off the planet?"

Tomoyo [dark voice]: He has that Egg Carrier ship, remember?

Eggboy [approaching the three along with Meilin]: Hello! May we accompany you?

Sakura [trying to be polite]: Sure!

Shaoron [growling]: No! You're suspicious! I'm not making the same mistake twice!

Eggboy [inquisitive voice]: I'm sure you won't let it happen the way it did with Eriol, Li Shaoron of the Li Clan of Hong Kong, descendant of Clow Reed.

Shaoron [low voice]: Don't make me kill you! Don't make me--

Yamazaki [pops up out of nowhere; one arm in a sling]: Did you guys hear about the Theory of Space and Eggs? You see, every egg has it's own inner universe, or [Eggboy pulls out a type of laser pistol] space, which contains elements of the stars like dark matter [Eggboy hits Yamazaki's head with a thin beam that causes Yamazaki to shudder a bit, then fall convulsing to the ground; most of the student body starts clapping]

Chiharu [that chick who likes Yamazaki, remember?]: YAMAZAKI-KUN!

Eggboy [charming as ever; putting away the pistol]: Don't worry, he'll be up and about in a week! Hopefully...

Sakura [whispering to Shaoron]: Something's very wrong here. Eggman's gone, this Eggboy shows up, and he clearly knows who we are!

Shaoron [whispering; suddenly quite worried]: Sakura, check your cards!

Sakura [pulls out her handy little card holder thing and checks the Sakura Cards; suddenly she looks very worried]: Where's Sweet? And Libra?

Shaoron [looks at Eggboy]: Sakura, you better see this.

[Sakura looks at Shaoron, then Eggboy. Eggboy, wearing a sinister smile, is holding the Sweet and Libra Cards. Suddenly, he throws the cards up into the air, pulls out another type of gun-thing, and blasts the cards with a rainbow-ish type beam that destroys them.]

Sakura [near tears]: What have you done?

Eggboy [sinister smile; sinister tone]: Two down, 50 and a joker to go, mistress of the cards.

Mr. Terada [saw the whole thing]: Eggboy, what did you just do?

Eggboy [shocked; trying to think of an excuse]: Gah, um, er, fireworks!

Mr. Terada [cocking an eyebrow]: Fireworks? Not on school property, young man! And CERTAINLY not during the day!

Eggboy: Understood, Terada-sensei. I assure you it won't happen again. [Terada walks away; Eggboy gives a death glare to Sakura before walking off.]

Shaoron: You see, Sakura-chan? I HAVE to kill him!

Sakura [still stunned]: But...

Meilin [angry]: Oh NO you don't, Shaoron! I like him! He's cool! And I need a boyfriend! So Eggboy doesn't die, got it?

Sakura [to herself]: Eggman-kun... where are you... [comes to a realization] and why do I care?

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[Egg Carrier, Eggman's bed, just before he dozes off.]

Eggman [shivers suddenly]: Uh oh, I'm gettin' the magical heebie-jeebies again. Something's wrong on Earth... again. Cool! I, like, hold the Earth together or something!

Farah [on a sleeping bag on the floor]: Shut up, Eggman, I want to sleep! Why don't you ever be quiet? You've been talking nonsense for hours!

Eggman: But don't you remember our coffee-talk?

Farah: NO! WE DIDN'T HAVE "COFFEE-TALK!" HELL, WE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE COFFEE! BE QUIET! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! [grabs her pillow and covers her head with it]

Reid: Can't you give us some of the beds, Eggman? You have five in this room alone!

Eggman: Fuck you moochers! Go to bed! Yeesh, so annoying!

[Suddenly, we hear Farah's muffled screams, then she gets up and leaves the room with one of the beds over her head.]

Eggman [cheery]: Good night, Farah! Sleep well!

Farah [nearly crying]: Why can't he leave me alone? Why is he so annoying--

Eggman: Who? Reid?

[Farah runs out of the room crying.]

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[Back to the Cronies...]

Shadow: Thanks for tuning in! To our DEATHS! [points] You bastards!

Tails: Shadow, are you talking to that ladybug again?

Shadow [with a ladybug on his glove]: But she keeps taunting me! [It flies away; Shadow's disappointed] Oh...

Knuckles [trying to sound smart in front of Rouge]: Actually, there CAN be male ladybugs--

Rouge [not interested at all]: Interesting.

Tails [growing more concerned by the second]: GUYS! SONIC'S DYING! WE HAVE TO THINK OF SOMETHING! WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF THIS... CORNER!

Knuckles [serious]: Tails, fly Sonic out of here. Rouge, Shadow, go. I'LL hold them off as long as I can.

Rouge [slightly impressed]: Are you serious?

Knuckles: No, if I have to die, I want you all to burn, too.

[Suddenly, a mysterious figure, whose face cannot be seen, appears before the Cronies, facing the hamster hordes.]

Shadow: Oh... my... god... HUNGRY PHIL!!!

[Hungry Phil, still with his back turned to our heroes, motions with his hand for them to go.]

Knuckles: He wants us to run!

Rouge [sad]: He wants to die for us! [opportunistic] Let's take this opportunity and get the fuck out of here!

Knuckles: I'll break through the wall! [punches through wall]

Tails [handing Sonic off to Knuckles]: Why didn't you do that before?

[Knuckles, carrying Sonic, and Rouge escape.]

Shadow [watching as the hamsters swarm over Hungry Phil]: No! HUUUUUNGRY PHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIL!!!

Tails [grabs Shadow]: NO, SHADOW, DON'T GO THERE! THEY'LL KILL YOU, TOO!

Shadow: I KNOW THAT, YOU IDIOT! I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE NEAR THOSE FOUR-LEGGED PIRANHAS!!! I WAS BEING MELODRAMATIC! [pushes Tails to the ground and runs off]

Hamtaro: That's one less human to kill! Now we eat the fox!

[Tails looks at himself, freaks out, then speeds off after Shadow.]

Tails [turbo flying along the ground]: Wait a minute--did I just give Sonic to Knuckles? [looks ahead to see Knuckles stuffing Sonic into a trash can]

Knuckles: He'll be safe here! Hamsters don't go into trash cans until they die, right? [runs off]

Tails [yelling]: YOU REALLY ARE STUPID, AREN'T YOU? [grabs the trash can that Sonic's in and flies off, away from the rest of the Cronies] Sorry, guys, but I gotta save Sonic! [Flies away from the city]

Sonic [groggy]: You're the only... good one here, Tails... why am I... in a trash can... you gave me to Knuckles, didn't you?

Tails [pulling Sonic out of the can and dropping it (the can)]: Sorry.

Sonic: It's all right... I've lost too much blood to care...

Tails: Hang on, Sonic, you've faced worse.

Sonic: ...True...

Shadow [out of nowhere]: I'll toast to that!

Tails [surprised at the flying Shadow]: How are you--OH, those are the new rocket shoes, aren't they?

Shadow [all proud of himself]: Yup! Those coupons really paid off!

Sonic: Ugh... you left Knuckles and Rouge... to die?

Shadow: Yep.

Sonic: ...Good...

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[Back to the city...]

Rouge [looking up at Tails, Sonic, and Shadow]: I think they left us to die, Knuckles.

Knuckles: Hey, Rouge, fancy a final shag before our skin gets ripped up by demonic hamsters?

Rouge: ... No!

Knuckles [shoves her away as he speeds off; calling back]: THEN WOMEN AND CHILDREN DIE FIRST!!!

Rouge [running after him]: STARFISH!!!

Knuckles [stops; death glare to Rouge; he hates being called "starfish"]: That was a mistake, Rouge.

Rouge [taunting him]: What are you going to do? Eat me?

Knuckles: Not that kind, yet, babe. [lunges] But I'll help you DIE!!!

[Knuckles rushes Rouge, but she just calmly sidesteps. Knuckles inadvertently drives his fist into one of the hamsters that got ahead of the group, when suddenly...]

Hamster [face punched in; not cute anymore; face looks exactly like Mickey Rooney (a la Puuchu); gruff voice]: Mickey Rooney!

Knuckles [shocked]: What the!?

Other Hamster [saw what happened]: They know our secret! Regroup! [hamsters run off]

Knuckles: They're secret is that they really look like Mickey Rooney?

Hamster [the one that got punched]: In this form we are weaker! Whoops!

Knuckles: Rea-he-heally? [punches the hamster again]

Hamster [disintegrates]: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHBURNINHELL-- [dies]

Knuckles: Ew, I got hamster on my glove!

Rouge [points to the Eggman Café]: Wipe it off in there!

Knuckles [talking while wiping hamster fluids off on Rouge's shoulder]: I'm surprised it's still standing! Now let's go kill--I mean, find Sonic.

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[Egg Carrier, the next morning. The scene: Farah is sleeping soundly on her bed. Unbeknownst to her, Eggman is standing above her with his face two inches away from hers, staring wide-eyed at her, waiting for her to wake up.]

Farah [coming to; takes a moment to realize where Eggman is; jumps back scared out of her life]: WHAT THE HELL!?

Eggman [cheerful and vibrant]: Good morning!

Farah: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH-- [continues screaming]

Eggman [waits a moment then starts screaming himself]: aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH--

Reid [walks by; sees what's happening; shrugs shoulders]: Whatever. [starts screaming for the hell of it] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH--

[The three continue screaming for a while.]

[Farah kicks Eggman and Reid out of her room so she can sleep for a while longer. Thirty seconds after she starts dozing off (but is still half-awake), Eggman comes back and... well, just read what happens.]

Eggman [two inches from Farah's face; speaking without pausing much]: Farah, Farah, Farah, you awake, Farah, Farah, we're near Celestia, Farah, Farah-- [starts blowing spurts of air at her face.]

Farah [who was definitely awake now; grabs Eggman's shirt; speaking very angrily and low]: Eggman, I want to sleep--

Eggman [matching her tone]: Well, Farah, we're near Celestia, and it's not like you were gettin' any to be sleepin' so late, so how's about waking--

[Next, Eggman is seen being thrown into the mess hall.]

Eggman [landing hard] : OW, THAT HURT! [sees Chat and Reid eating pancakes] How'd you get those? I didn't bring pancake mix!

Reid [speaking with his mouth full]: We found some mix in these jars!

Eggman: Those are bread crumbs, you fool! [Eggman demonstrates by lifting one of the "pancakes" and watching it crumble in a goopy mess]

Reid [still stuffing his mouth]: No wonder it tasted a little funny--

[Chat runs off looking sickened after discovering what she just ate.]

Eggman [calling after Chat]: WOMEN'S BATHROOM IS THE SECOND DOOR ON THE RIGHT!

Reid: Isn't that the room that Farah's in?

Eggman [thinking]: Fuck, I should have said THIRD door on the right...

Farah [Eggman and Reid hear her screaming after a mysterious barfing noise]: OH MY GOD, CHAT!!! STOP!!!

Eggman [ignores that; looks out a window]: Hey, I see land! [panicking] ABOUT TEN FEET AWAY--

[Egg Carrier crashes into a mountain in Celestia. A few minutes later, the Egg Carrier passengers recover. Eggman speaks first.]

Eggman: My bad!

Farah [appears in the mess hall with demon eyes directed towards Eggman]: You-- I'm going to kill you--

Eggman [suddenly very sensitive]: You know, Farah, they say that when people act strong on the outside, they have a hard time dealing with problems on the inside. Do you feel that way?

[Farah's about to say something, but then kneels, breaks down, and starts crying. Reid goes over and comforts her.]

Eggman [back to his usual jackass self]: Whoa, Reid, your broad's got problems. [Tomoyo laugh]

______________________________________________

[Tomoeda Elementary, gym class, where Sakura, Shaoron, and their peers are being taught by their substitute gym teacher... Captain Douglas Jay Falcon. By the way, he's still in his usual outfit, helmet and all.]

Captain Falcon [bowing]: Konnichiwa, children! I'm Captain Douglas Jay Falcon, but you can call me Captain Falcon, or sir. Understood?

Class: Hai.

Captain Falcon [waves, thinking they said "hi"]: Hello there!

[Sakura and Shaoron slap their foreheads.]

Sakura: He must be one of Eggman-kun's acquaintances.

Shaoron: Sounds about right.

Captain Falcon: Now, for an easy warm-up. Ten laps around the, um, er, school! And the high school beside us!

Naoko [raising her hand and speaking]: Um, Captain Falcon, that would take us the whole day!

Captain Falcon: Now, you may think that, little boy--

Naoko [who doesn't look boyish at all, by the way]: I'm a girl!

Captain Falcon [ignores that]: --but I'll show you how easy it is! [tosses Shaoron a stop watch] Time me, kid!

Shaoron [getting ready to time him]: Hai.

Captain Falcon [confused]: Note to self, learn more Japanese! And GO!

[The children are actually quite impressed as they see Captain Falcon run at amazing speed around the two schools, clocking about 15 seconds per lap. After the 8th lap...]

Sakura [holding out a glass of water]: Some water, Captain Falc--

Captain Falcon [speeds by and gulps it down]: Refreshingthankyou--

[Captain Falcon is about to finish his final lap, when suddenly a small Hamtaro-like hamster is seen on his path.]

Captain Falcon: Aw, it's so cute-- [hamster jumps on his face] OH MY GOD!!! IT'S KILLING ME!!! HEAVEN HELP ME IT'S BITING MY FACE!!!

Sakura [trying to think of a way to distract her fellow students]: Um, hey everybody, look at Shaoron! He's doing some funky shit!

Shaoron [looking up from the stopwatch]: What!? [looks at Sakura whose lips are mouthing (but not saying) "do something"; Shaoron is dumbfounded for a mounted, then starts doing some odd arm swinging dance]

Class [ignoring Falcon; looking at Li]: Wow, that's so cool!

Eggboy: I must admit, that IS impressive.

Captain Falcon [trying to fight back as two more hamsters jump on him]: THEY KEEP COMING!!! HELP ME, CHILDREN!!!

Sakura: Um, what, Captain Falcon? You want us to go back inside?

Captain Falcon [desperate]: NO!!!

Sakura: OKAY! EVERYBODY, BACK INSIDE!!! [looks back] Somehow, I think you'll be okay, Captain Falcon--

Captain Falcon [desperate scream]: HELP ME!!! [crying] THEY'RE REALLY MICKEY ROONEY!!!

Shaoron: Will he really be okay, Sakura?

Sakura: I hope so, he seems really strong. Let's get everyone inside, then [looks back] we'll--HE'S GONE!!! [There is indeed no trace of Captain Falcon or the hamsters anywhere]

Shaoron: Sakura, quickly, check your cards again!

Sakura [looks inside her card pack]: Five more are missing! Bubble, Lock, Rain, Cloud, and Twin are all gone!!!

Shaoron: Sakura, have you noticed that anytime those strange anime hamsters show up, you lose some cards?

Sakura: Do you think there's some connection between the hamsters and Eggboy?

Eggboy [suddenly beside them]: No, probably not.

[Sakura and Shaoron are startled, then glare at the Eggboy. Li has his sword already drawn and Sakura summons her star staff.]

Shaoron: Any last words?

Eggboy: Yes, several. [Holds up the Light and Dark cards] These two, the strongest cards in the deck. It will take all my cunning and wisdom to effectively destroy them. [Eggboy rips them in half; they vanish afterwards]

Sakura [shocked]: Those were the strongest ones! How did you rip them?

Eggboy: Actually, all they did was turn day to night and vice-versa. Hardly powerful, I'd say! Bye!

Shaoron [grabbing Eggboy by the shirt collar]: Not so fast, Egg... um, boy. Why are you doing this? Are you working for Eriol?

Eggboy [evil smile]: Why don't you ask him for yourself? [holds out his hand, palm upward, to reveal a hologram of Eriol, who appears to be bound and gagged to one of those ergonomic office chairs]

Shaoron: Dear... GOD! *I* wanted to be the one to do that to that little bitch!

Eggboy: I'll be on my way! Enjoy the rest of school! Right, everyone? [Eggboy disappears in a puff of smoke]

Shaoron: Where did [turns around] he go--oh, no...

Sakura: What is it? [turns to see her class watching the two of them, with their drawn magic weapons] This day can't get any worse, can it?

Captain Falcon [out of nowhere; he seems to be okay, except for a few bite marks on his face and such]: SAKURA, PUT 'EM TO SLEEP WITH THE SLEEP CARD!

Sakura: He's almost like Kero-chan, except not at all. [pulls out Sleep card, does her little magic thing, then...] SLEEP!!! [puts everyone except herself, Shaoron, and Captain Falcon to sleep]

Shaoron [eyeing Captain Falcon suspiciously]: Hey, you should be asleep!

Captain Falcon [cocky]: I'm too skillful to be affected! Come, children! [grabs Sakura and Shaoron and runs at extremely high speed away from the school]

Sakura [to Captain Falcon]: Sorry we couldn't help you earlier, I had to get everyone inside--

Captain Falcon: No worries, I understand! Those hamsters were mighty tasty!

Shaoron: I think I'm gonna be sick--

Captain Falcon: I have the skeletons to prove it!

[Shaoron turns three shades of blue and covers his mouth with his hands. The motion isn't helping him any.]

______________________________________________

[Meanwhile, on Celestia...]

Eggman [guns drawn]: Here we are on Celestia--DEMON! [shoots a Mega Death]

Mega Death: WHY ARE YOU SO CRUEL-- [evaporates and dies... again]

Keele: HEY, I WAS KILLING THAT!!!

Max: YEAH!!!

Meredy: Meredy wants to stop talking in the third person! [sad] But she can't...

Eggman: How y'all doin', you crazy bastards?

Keele [unenthused]: Doctor Eggman.

Eggman [to Chat]: See, HE knows I have a doctorate!

Keele [notices the crying Farah]: Good LORD, Farah never cries!

Eggman: Yeah, she's been kinda edgy lately. Must be her time of the month. You know, on the women's biological clock--

Farah [lost it; in Eggman's face]: NO IT ISN'T!!! IT'S YOU!!! YOU KEEP ANNOYING ME!!!

Eggman [indifferent]: But, Farah! What about our discussion on the vibrant topic of-

Farah: WE DON'T HAVE DISCUSSIONS!!! THE ONLY TIME WE TALK IS WHEN YOU DON'T SHUT UP!!!

Eggman: Okay, I admit, I may annoy you, [angry] but it's because of the time you annoyed me!

Farah: WHEN!!?

Eggman [thinking]: My memory's hazy at the moment. Want some coffee?

[Farah runs off to the horizon. Kills several Mega Deaths on the way. May they rest in peace.]

Reid: Eggman, Farah will need my love and support for months. [gives Eggman several rare Eternia jewels] Paid in full.

Eggman [putting the gems away; bowing to Reid]: Pleasure doing business with you! [Tomoyo laugh]

Chat [flabbergasted]: What!? This was all a plan?

Eggman: It sure was! [his cell phone rings] A moment, por favor! [answers the phone] Hello, Eggman here, on the world of Celestia! ... Sakura? How did you get this number-- ... Captain Falcon? ... Hamsters? ... ... ... ... Ivo Jr.? Calls himself "Eggboy?" ... [to himself] I had sex!? [to phone] I'll be right there! [puts away phone] I gotta go back to Earth! Max, I like your taking over the world attitude! Let's do lunch sometime!

Max: YEAH!!!

______________________________________________

COMMERCIAL

[Davis is sitting on his ass doing nothing. This is all on air, mind you.]

Bob [losing it]: Ach, lad! You're so lazy! Do SOMETHING! WE'RE ON THE AIR!

Davis: I know. Go to hell! [cell phone rings] Heeyello?

Eggman [on the other end]: You're fired, Davis!

Davis: A raise? Thanks, Eggman! You sure are an Eggman!

Veemon: Davis, he said you're fired!

Davis: What? Why, Eggman?

Eggman: I just had this premonition that you're wasting my valuable air time.

Davis [clearly missing the trap]: How did you know?

Eggman [angry]: So you WERE wasting my time!?

Veemon: Davis, you idiot! He tricked you!

Eggman: Davis, tell Bob to show you the door! [hangs up]

Davis: Oh well, at least I got paid!

Veemon: Actually, we weren't paid a cent.

Davis: Oh well, at least I showed Kari and Yolei nakie and doing it!

Veemon: Let's ignore the fact that they're going to kill you when we get back. And TK will kill you as well.

Davis: Eh, he can suck, um, something to suck--

Eerie Chants: ♪♫ SEPHIROTH!♪♫ [drums/bell] ♪♫ SEPHIROTH!♪♫

Sephiroth: Move aside, boy. My lady friend wants to take over. [thinking] For some strange reason, I sound like that fool, Lance Bass. I wonder why...

Davis [kind of afraid]: We're gone! [leaves]

Aeris [overly giddy; poking Sephiroth's face]: YAY! Thank you, Sephy!

Sephy: Don't call me that. [spies a Hamtaro-like hamster near his feet] Be gone, rodent. [slashes the hamster so fast that a) you don't even see Sephiroth move, and b) you don't see the hamster's face turn into Mickey Rooney.] That was too easy.

Aeris: YAY! [to Bob] Mr. Scottish man, I wanna do commercials!

Bob: Ach, fine, lass! You cannae be worse than Davis or Tomoyo!

Sephiroth [cocks an eyebrow]: What's a Tomoyo?

Aeris: Um, what's a Davis?

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

CD [Eggman's voice, from nowhere, yet again]: JOIN!

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What the hell are we doing?...